Original subtitles

[theme music]

I'm cycling home from work the other day

minding my own business, two men with guns jump on me.

We phone the police, two men with guns arrive.

They take me home. I switch on the TV trying to relax

and there's a cartoon coyote running about with a huge gun

trying to shoot a wee bird in the desert.

So I change the station.

And there's that lovely wee actress Angela Lansbury.

Up jumps Annette Funicello with a gun.

I heard about what happened yesterday.

- Are you okay, huh? - Oh, I'm okay.

Oh, very nice.

Oh, I should be mugged more often.

[grunts]

- Hey, Arvid. - Zach?

You got my dollar?

[scoffs] Just a second.

You expect me to give you a dollar?

- That's right. - Okay.

Yeah, I'm doing a report on the proliferation

of handguns in America.

This would make a great visual aid.

Yeah, it really would.

Nobody is ever gonna call you a nerd again

with that baby, huh?

How did you know they called me nerd?

No, Zach, don't take..

- Oh, my God. - It is not what you think.

I'm not, I'm not, I'm not gonna mess with you anymore.

- I promise. - Now scram.

Unless you're feelin' lucky.

Are ya, punk?

Billy, you know you have a right to be afraid.

I realize that.

Amendment 2A to the Constitution

that people have a right to be afraid

of the people who have the right to keep and bear arms.

Oh, my God, the gun!

[panting]

[instrumental music]

[bell rings]

- Looking for something, Arvid? - Oh.

Oh, gee, I'm sorry, Mr. Engen.

Oh, Zach, uh, did-did you, um..

Did I what?

You know, break into my locker and take, uh..

...that thing?

A thing? What, you mean, you mean like a gun?

Zach, you gotta give it back to me.

Oh, I do? Uh-huh. And what are you gonna do, huh?

You're gonna take it away from me?

Go ahead, Arvid. Take it from me.

What's the matter, huh?

Not feelin' lucky today, punk?

Okay, let's get to class, boys.

You tell anybody and I'm gonna give it to you, alright?

Bam.

Move it.

Arvid, classroom?

Restroom.

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, Arvid. We're playing the ultimate prank on Dennis.

- Yeah. - Oh, great. Sounds hilarious.

I can't wait.

So you guys are gonna actually try and outfox the master, huh?

Some weenies never learn.

Just you wait, Dennis.

We're gonna hoist you by your own petard.

- Yes. - Mm-hmm.

But first, we're gonna kick you in the old petard.

[laughing]

Oh, I'm shaking, I'm shaking.

- Good morning, geniuses. - Oh, hi, Billy.

Your gun reports are due in today.

So go ahead. Make my day.

Arvid, would you like to start?

Um, no, I'd, I'd rather not.

But you told me you had a killer report.

- Yeah. - No, I didn't.

I, I mean, I mean, I guess I did.

But I-I-I didn't mean killer in the sense of having

an actual, you know, bang-bang killer type of, uh..

My dog ate it.

Okay. Anybody else?

Uh, excuse me, Billy.

Uh, Dennis, your mother left this for you.

Oh, mom left this for me, huh?

Nice try, guys. This was a very good effort.

Let's see if I can guess what's in the bag.

Could it be a mouse trap?

Or, or maybe it's a bag full of icky bugs, huh?

Good try.

[clamoring]

Actually it was your lunch, Dennis.

[instrumental music]

In fact the number of Americans killed by British soldiers

in the Revolutionary War is not as high

as the number of Americans killed by Americans with guns

just last year.

That's incredible.

That means there must be a death by gun

in this country every day.

Every day? Last year there was one every 15 minutes.

Every 15 minutes? I don't believe it.

It's true. Over 30,000 people die by guns.

And of those, almost 12,000 were murders.

Billy, compare that to Great Britain

where only seven people were murdered

in one year by handguns.

Or 19 people in Sweden.

- Or eight people in Canada. - So what about New York?

Anybody get any stuff on New York?

Yeah, here in New York City alone

there were 1300 murders by guns in one year.

Good Lord. Do you know what that means?

Yes, 5.2 per day.

The streets are not safe to walk on.

Right. So if criminals have guns, we should have guns.

Oh, brilliant, Alan. More guns.

Now wait a minute. I'm not so sure Alan's wrong.

With all the guns out there, we gotta defend ourselves.

What other option is there?

It doesn't make you any more safe.

You know who most gun owners wind up killing?

- Muggers? - No, themselves. Suicides.

It's the most common form of death by a firearm.

Hey, listen, if somebody's gonna try to push me around

I wanna be able to push back.

And if they've got guns, why shouldn't I have a gun?

Because you are 43 times more likely to kill yourself

a family member or a friend than you are to kill a criminal.

That's only statistics. We're talking about real life.

I'll give you a statistic that's real life.

Arvid, you don't know anything about guns.

- 'Yeah, Arvid.' - What do you know?

Maybe more than you think.

Oh, yeah, Robo-Nerd.

What could you possibly know about guns?

- 'Uh-huh.' - I bought one.

- Get out of here. - What, Arvid?

Arvid, you bought a gun? Why?

For this report, I bought a Saturday night special

illegally for 20 bucks from some guy.

I wanted to show how any idiot could get one.

Well, you certainly succeeded there.

You realize, of course, you can't bring a gun to school?

Oh, no, I-I had a gun. I don't have one.

It-it was stolen from my locker.

- What? - Oh, no.

Stolen? Somebody stole your gun?

So someone's wandering around the school with a gun?

And there it is.

There's the prank, right?

Now let me see if I can guess.

Later, some kid's gonna come up to me with a little squirt gun

and I'm supposed to get real scared, right? Pathetic.

- Dennis, it's true. - Oh, okay.

Well, we better call the police.

- 'Yeah.' - 'We should call the police.'

No, if you call the cops, Arvid's gonna go to jail.

Yeah, Arvid, you committed a felony

when you bought that gun.

Oh, I don't wanna go to prison. I want to go to Caltech.

Sometimes, you have to go with your second choice, Arvid.

[bell rings]

This is all very convincing, guys, but I'm not buying it.

- Oh, Dennis. - Dennis.

[indistinct chatter]

Have you any idea who stole the gun, Arvid?

- Yeah. - Arvid?

- Zach Butler. - Zach? Oh.

Zach Butler? Isn't that the guy that was bullying you around?

(Eric) And now you gave him a gun?

Good work, Arv.

I must've been out of my mind.

It's just that when I held that gun

and I saw how frightened he was, I-I felt so powerful.

I mean, for the first time in my life.

And now I'm just afraid.

I-I guess that's the thing about guns.

They make weak people feel strong.

How profound, Arvid.

Well, at least you're beginning to think.

We'll give you an A on your report for that, huh?

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to have to try

and keep you out of jail and stop someone

having their brains blown out with your gun.

I don't know. That's a very serious accusation.

What makes you think Zach Butler has a gun?

- Somebody told me. - Look, I know this kid.

He ditches classes occasionally, bullies the younger kids around

he's no model student, but certainly not the kind

that'd bring a gun to school.

Is this a chance you're willing to take?

Okay, okay. Miss Meara, check his schedule.

See where Zach is and alert security.

I'll get the combination to his locker.

Great.

He's at math next period. Room 210.

- Thanks. - Mm-hmm.

- Hey, Engen. - Oh, Zach.

- Still owe me money. - Yeah.

What's it up to now, huh? Ten bucks?

No, no, no, let's make it 20.

Oh, uh, uh, Dennis.

Quick, I need some money. Uh, $20.

Oh, what, what? This is part of the prank, right?

No, no, no, no. Zach Butler.

[whispers] The guy who stole my gun.

The guy who stole your gun?

Oh, I'm so scared.

- Dennis! - Get out of here, Blunden.

Hey, Arvid, look, I'm gonna get shot by Bart Simpson.

[laughs]

I'm warning you.

Hey, Zach, I-I mean, Bart, could you do me a favor?

If you're gonna kill me, would you, please kill me

before gym class? I could use the excuse.

Nice try, girls.

You knocked. You told him I have the gun.

I'm sorry, I had to.

'I'll-I'll give you the $20 tomorrow.'

Oh, shut up.

Come on outside. You and I have some things to discuss

in private.

[instrumental music]

Oh.

You really like to live dangerously

don't you, Engen, huh?

- It wasn't me. I-- - Huh?

Listen, uh, I'm supposed to be in physics class.

You know, someone might come out here any second.

What's the matter, Engen, huh?

- You afraid of something? - No.

- Huh? - No.

Sure? Sure you're not afraid of this?

How does it feel, Engen?

Uh, uh, I'm-I'm not afraid.

I, I know it's not loaded.

Uh, uh, you don't think I'd be stupid enough to buy

bullets for that thing, do you?

Yeah? I'm stupid enough for both of us.

You wanna see, Engen, huh?

Oh, my God.

Zach, don't do this.

You'll wind up in prison.

A-at the very least, you'll, you'll be wracked with guilt.

Uh, yeah, you know what that means? Uh, years of therapy.

It-it-it's a no-win situation.

Shut up, Engen.

D-did I mention the hereafter?

You know, y-y-you think New York is hot in the summer.

I..

A-and besides..

Who else did you tell?

Nobody.

You sure?

Dennis was the only one and, and he didn't really

believe me anyway, now did he?

You wouldn't lie to me, would you?

And destroy our friendship?

You've got to be kidding.

Okay.

Hey, chill, Engen. I'm only goofing on ya.

- Thanks for the gun, man. - What's going on here?

- Alright. Stay away from me. - Stay away from him.

- Sure, let's go, he-- - No! Don't move!

- Don't move. - I'm not moving.

- Shut up! - Shut up.

No. No, I'm not gonna shut up.

I'm gonna say the things I should've said last week

when those muggers messed me about.

Yeah, you think it's great, don't ya?

Standing with that thing in your hand.

You think you can order up people around.

Make them, make them do whatever you want.

Well, well, you're right.

So what do you want me to do, huh?

Dance like in the cowboy movies, huh? Sure.

Want me to sing?

♪ Oh Danny boy ♪

♪ The pipes the pipes are calling ♪♪

Huh, plead for my life? Is that what you want, huh?

Give you money? Good grades?

Recommend you for Harvard, huh?

What do you want?

Oh, no. I don't, I don't, I don't want any trouble.

[laughs] You don't wanna get in trouble?

You're holding trouble in your hand.

It can only bring you trouble.

It can't bring you anything else.

Come on, g-give me, give me the gun.

Hey, what do you think, I'm stupid?

Of course, you're stupid. We're all stupid.

You're stupid for having that thing in your hand.

It can't make life any better

for you, it can only bring you problems.

He's stupid for bringing it to school

allowing you to steal it.

And I'm stupid for standin' here when I could be runnin' away.

But there's another way.

You can drop the gun

you can run out of here, jump on a horse

head for the Rio Grande and a brand-new life in Mexico.

What?

No, it's not a cowboy movie, is it?

It's a bloody gun and a bullet in the spine for me, eh?

Life in a wheelchair.

What is it for you? 20 years in jail?

Six other guys, shit in a tin pot for a toilet.

No, I don't, I don't, I don't like that movie.

There's another one.

You give me the gun. I throw it in the East River.

You make up with Arvid.

And then you make a brand-new movie

called "Zach Gets A Second Chance."

Alright, alright. T-tell me about that one.

I don't know really. We'd have to..

Maybe we could write it quick.

You-you-you stop shaking down Arvid.

You try harder at school. Go to college.

Meet a very beautiful woman.

Drive a really neat car, huh?

How about it, eh? Come on, give me the gun.

You can do it. Give me.

- Drop the gun. - Alright, stay away from me.

It's okay, Zach, it's okay.

[gun clicks] Ah!

No! I didn't mean it. It was an accident.

- MacGregor, you okay? - Yeah.

[sighs]

[instrumental music]

(Alan) 'Yeah, in researching the Second Amendment'

I realized the full text of it says

"A well-regulated militia

"being necessary to the security of a free state

"the right of the people to keep and bear arms

shall not be infringed."

A well-regulated militia.

Now I think our Founding Fathers wanted to protect our rights

to form citizen's militias.

Uh, like the National Guard.

- Good, Alan. - Alright.

Brilliant speech, Alan.

Now did you really mean that

or were you just bum-kissing for an A there?

Yeah, Alan. What happened?

Oh, after what happened yesterday

I changed my mind, okay?

Oh, Pinkard, you're breaking my heart.

Guys, I didn't buy the gun bit yesterday

and I'm not buying it today.

Dennis, the gun bit wasn't a practical joke.

- Yeah. - Oh, it wasn't?

No, Dennis, it wasn't.

So you're saying Zach Butler really actually had a gun?

That's right, Dennis.

- A real gun? So.. - 'Yes.'

So you could've been..

Yes.

- Arvid could've been.. - You got it.

- I could've been.. - Oh, yeah.

[scoffs] Yeah, but I was making fun of the guy.

I put a little sign on his back. I was..

You're saying that he could've, a-at any point, just..

Wow, I'm brave.

Arvid. Arvid, I'm sorry.

I am so sorry.

I thought you guys were all putting me on.

[sighs] Little buddy, next time somebody pulls a gun on you

you gotta tell me.

I did.

Well, yeah, but you gotta be more forceful.

I was.

Yeah, I guess you were.

- You okay? - I've been better.

I just got back from the police station.

- What happened? - What did they say?

The detective told me that trying to get an A

is not a valid excuse for carrying a concealed weapon.

I could still be in a lot of trouble.

- 'Oh, no.' - 'Oh, Arvid.'

Arvid, I-I..

[chuckles]

Okay, I get it.

This is the practical joke, right?

- Oh. - Let me see if I can guess.

A couple of fake cops are gonna show up

take you down to jail.

Suddenly, I gotta come up with 100 bucks bail money.

Nice try, boys and girls.

Dennis, it's not a practical joke.

There is no practical joke.

There never was a practical joke.

That's the practical joke.

[bell rings]

Oh, yeah, right.

Yeah, sure. Come on, what's the joke?

- You guys are driving me crazy. - Dennis, that's the joke.

We were trying to drive you crazy.

Yeah, Dennis.

So, so what's the joke gonna be?

That is the joke.

You're only saying that, so I'll drop my guard.

I know it. What was the joke?

I wanna know what the joke was.

You okay, Arvid? Listen, it's your first offence.

I'll testify on your behalf

and I'll make sure they don't go too hard on you.

Maybe they should.

You know, if I hadn't brought that gun to school

none of this would ever happen.

I mean, now I'm in trouble, Zach's life may be ruined

and I almost got you killed.

Ah, that's okay.

I've taken the worst that New York

can throw at me and I've survived.

And you know, in a funny way, I felt better

than, than I've felt in a long, long time.

I can tell.

- How's that? - You rode your bike.

Oh, yeah.

Down the very street where I was mugged.

You know, Billy, you're incredible.

I mean, look at the way you kept your cool yesterday.

I don't know how you did it.

To tell you the truth, I suspected all along

it wasn't loaded.

- But it was loaded. - Loaded?

Uh, yeah. He showed me the bullets.

- It was loaded? - Yeah.

I-I guess it was a defective gun.

- Loaded? - Yeah.

No wonder it only cost 20 bucks.

Loaded.

W-w-would it make you feel better

if I told you it wasn't loaded?

- Yeah. - It wasn't loaded.

Thank God for that, Arvid, eh?

[theme music]