Original subtitles

[theme music]

I love Halloween. You get free candy

and you get to humiliate your friends and it's legal.

You know, that's great, Dennis.

Listen, you want, you wanna walk home from school together?

- Sure. - Okay.

Hey, wait a minute, Arvid.

Is that Zach Butler guy shaking you down for money again?

Well, um, yeah.

Arvid, he's no bigger than you.

I-I know, but there's just, there's somethin' about him

that scares me.

Arv, you can't be afraid.

You gotta stand up to him. You gotta show him who's boss.

Punch him right in the nose if you have to.

You gotta have some respect for yourself.

[sighs] You're right. Why can't I do that?

I'm-I'm such a wimp. A weenie.

- I-I feel like dirt. - That's better.

I'll see you later, buddy.

Wait, wait, where are you going?

Arvid, this is for your own good.

You gotta stand up to Zach Butler by yourself.

I gotta go pick up my Halloween costume.

You'll be fine, don't worry.

[Arvid sighs]

[grunts]

- Hey, Arvid. - Zach.

You, uh, didn't show up at lunch today.

Uh, I'm on this new slim quick diet, yeah.

You got my dollar?

[scoffs] Just a second.

You expect me to give you a dollar?

- That's right. - Okay.

Uh, oh, here.

You know what, make it two.

[scoffs] Zach, you realize that this is just

a, a-a plaintive cry for help.

Okay, make that a, a plaintive cry for money.

[laughs] You-you should really see Nurse Sweeney

'cause she-she's very understanding.

Uh, not only that, she actually brings home

a much bigger paycheck than I do.

Can the jokes, Arvid.

You're right, you're right, I..

Most people, when they, they get nervous

uh, their knees shake. I, I get witty.

[chuckles] But, uh..

...o-o-other bullies have complained, uh..

- Here. - That's better.

In fact, let's make it two bucks every day from now on, alright?

See you tomorrow, Arvid.

Arvid, quick, give me a quarter.

Give us a quarter, man. I've been mugged.

I have to phone the police.

I don't believe it.

Less than half a block

from the bloody school.

Two huge guys rush in, pushed me off my bike. Here we are.

[rattling]

Put a gun against my face right up my bloody nose.

I don't believe it. I've put a shilling in the box.

My whole life went in the slow motion.

I could feel my IQ draining out of my brain

runnin' down my spine and filling my bladder.

I couldn't grasp the concept of "Lie down and shut up!

I'll blow your freaking brains out!"

Oh, no. Hello, no, so, I'm sorry.

No, no, officer, I..

Hello? Hello?

[instrumental music]

Billy, I heard about what happened yesterday.

- Are you okay? - Oh, I'm okay.

Oh, very nice.

Oh, I should be mugged more often.

- This is lovely. - No, no, no. Don't joke.

You could've been hurt.

Oh, you're right. It was quite an experience.

I know. You know, it's crazy out there.

I think it's getting worse. That's why we're having

the Halloween carnival here tomorrow night.

Wanna keep the kids off the street and out of trouble.

- What a brilliant idea. - Yeah.

It really is dangerous out there.

Nobody can take unnecessary chances.

- Billy, are you okay? - Sure. Why?

Well, it's just that I think, you know

getting mugged is a pretty traumatic experience.

Oh, I'm fine. I was brought up

in the worst slums of Glasgow, you know.

We used to eat brass knuckles for breakfast.

Yeah, and floss our teeth with barbed wire.

Take more than this to upset me, I assure you.

Yes, so where's your bicycle this morning?

Oh, I took a cab.

Oh, yeah. You think I'm afraid?

- Well, I am not afraid. - I just thought that--

You don't need to baby me or smother me with attent..

- What am I saying? - Mm.

I'm afraid, I'm so afraid. Oh, hold me, hold me.

Would you get out of here?

Get out. Get your bag and get out.

I'm going.

Alright, just be sure to come back later.

He's so cute! Oh!

- Jasper, you know karate. - Yes, Arv.

How long would it take you to teach me a few moves?

Arvid, karate is more than just a few moves.

It's a philosophy, an-an art form.

It takes years of study to become effective.

In that case, could you lend me $2?

Here comes Dennis. Get out the bait.

(Darlene) Oh, go, T.J. Go, go go, ahem.

Listen to this, you guys.

"Wildman of Attica escapes.

Eli Carver escaped from Attica Prison Friday morning."

- Oh. - So what?

So what? So read on. Down here.

"Carver's life of crime began in 1967

'"when a teacher at Fillmore High School'

"in New York City reprimanded Carver

"for wearing his hair too long.

Carver killed the teacher with a meat cleaver."

- 'Oh!' - 'Meat cleaver!'

"Following his convictions, Carver vowed

"never to cut his hair or beard again.

"His shaggy appearance and terrible temper

earned him the prison nickname Wildman."

- Wildman. - Wildman.

Okay, you guys, I got the file on Eli Carver. Check it out.

Hey, hey, hey, what's all this about, guys?

- Shh. - Hey, Dennis, do you mind?

- What's it say, T.J.? - 'Alright.'

It says that Eli Carver got straight Fs

except for an A in Home Ec.

- 'Home Ec?' - Mm-hmm.

A serial killer took Home Ec?

Mm-hmm, he wanted to be a butcher.

- 'A butcher?' - 'A butcher.'

Ooh, guess what day Eli went bananas at Fillmore?

- What day? - When? When? When?

October 31, 1967.

- Halloween. - Mm-hmm.

You don't suppose he'd come back here, do you?

No.

[bell rings]

Morning, everybody.

- Oh, good morning, Billy. - Good morning, Billy.

Oh, Billy, I'm so sorry you got mugged yesterday.

- Thank you, Simone. - Oh, yeah, Billy.

I hope it hasn't given you a distorted picture of America.

Thank you very much, Sarah, but actually

it gave me a very accurate picture of America.

I mean, you people are just crazy about guns, aren't you?

I'm cyclin' home from work the other day

mindin' my own business, two men with guns jump on me.

We phone the police, two men with guns arrive.

They take me home, I switch on the TV trying to relax

and there's a cartoon coyote runnin' about with a huge gun

tryin' to shoot a wee bird in a desert.

So I change the station

and there's that lovely wee actress Angela Lansbury, right?

I think, oh, maybe it's a nice wee British play

about Lady Caroline Lamb.

"More tea, Mrs. Smith Jennings?"

No chance, up jumps Annette Funicello with a gun.

Said, "I shot the butler.

Yes, it was me."

What kind of society is this?

N-now, wait just a minute.

Guns are a proud part of American heritage.

Guns are what keep America free.

From whom?

- Yeah. - From whom, Alan?

Well, the Russians.

I mean, the Russians back when they were our enemy.

Not that they're exactly our friends now

but you-you know what I mean, back when they were..

When they were really our enemy.

Okay, okay, forget the Russians.

Iraq. They're our enemy. What about them?

But isn't that what your armed forces are for?

I mean, are you seriously telling me

that nations like Iraq and Russia

who have tanks and supersonic jets

are frightened off by a few Americans with hunting rifles

standing in the rain going quack, quack, quack, quack?

Look, say..

Look, say what you want, Billy, but the Second Amendment

to the Constitution says, "The right of the people

to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed."

- That's true. - Hear, hear.

But surely, they were talking about muskets.

I mean, why stop at firearms at all?

The right to keep and bear nuclear weapons, huh?

Yeah, let's go hunting deer this weekend

and perhaps we can blow away Montana at the same time.

Uh, excuse me, Billy, is this a class or are you

having a nervous breakdown 'cause I can never quite tell

with you, alright?

I'm fine, Dennis. I'm fine.

Okay, just, it doesn't have

control your mind when someone presses

a loaded weapon to your temple.

Now look, this may come as a bit of a surprise to you

but in the civilized countries of the world

people do not carry weapons.

In London, for instance.

People carry rolled-up umbrellas.

The worst thing that can happen to you, maybe goes..

[blows raspberry] You know?

But enough of this, back to work.

Where did we leave off yesterday?

The assassination of Abraham Lincoln.

- 'Yeah.' - What can I say?

The assassination of Abraham Lincoln.

Do you know you've lost a tenth of your presidents

through assassination with firearms?

That's unbelievable. Great, a new assignment.

By next Friday, I would like ten pages

on the proliferation of weapons in America

since the assassination of Abraham Lincoln in 1865

to my mugging yesterday.

Yo, Eric, my man.

What do you say you and I, uh, hang out after school, huh?

Hey, Arvid, I'm kind of busy right now.

Oh, hey, no problemo. Uh, bring the chick.

Thanks anyway, Arv.

Hey, Arvid, Alan and I are gonna go do some research

for our history assignment. Would you like to come with us?

Uh, yes, yes, thanks, yes.

- Uh, where are we going? - A gun store.

We're gonna get firsthand information

on how guns are bought and sold.

Oh, I don't know, guys. I'm kind of nervous around guns.

I mean, when I was six and all the other boys

were asking their parents for squirt guns

I was begging mine for a squirt-proof vest.

[laughs]

But away with childhood fears, let's go.

[instrumental music]

[screams]

You, guys, you please, don't embarrass me.

Uh, please, don't mind him.

Uh, hi, Ed, I'm Al.

Hi, Al, I'm Jim.

Ed died in a hunting accident.

You know, I can't sell you kids any guns

unless you're over 18 and have a permit.

We're not here to buy any guns, sir.

We just wanted to ask you a few questions.

- Viki-- - Don't worry.

I'm not going to embarrass you.

How do you justify selling instruments

of torture and death?

Well, thank you for not embarrassing me.

I sell guns to law-abiding Americans

for sport and personal protection.

Oh, oh, we're not saying there's anything wrong with hunting.

I am. It's unfair to animals.

And you call it a sport?

Viki, whether you like it or not

Americans, God bless them, have the right to bear arms.

Yeah, well, I think that we ought to arm bears.

Then it would be a sport.

I could show you a pretty little pearl-handled pistol

that'd change your mind about guns.

Another gun that somebody can steal from me

so they can sell it to somebody else

and that somebody can get killed with it.

Oh, yes, unfortunately, that does happen.

Is that how illegal handguns wind up on the street?

That's right. A lot of them are stolen

from law-abiding Americans.

Or else they're purchased in another state or county

where the laws are less strict and then brought into the city.

[scoffs] Wow, it sounds like it's easier to buy a gun illegally

than it is to do this report.

Yeah.

Hey, buying an illegal gun

now that would make a dramatic statement.

Yeah, Arvid with a gun.

We're talking about a guy who has trouble

loading his mechanical pencil.

What kind of forms do you need to get a permit?

Well, you have to go to the police station

for an actual permit.

But I have some copies in the back I could show you.

- Come on. - Be right back, Arvid.

Hey, kid, you're, uh, interested in buying a gun, huh?

Oh, no, I-I was just thinking.

Well, I got one for sale.

- Fifty bucks. - Yeah?

.38 caliber, hair trigger.

Practically shoots itself.

[clicks tongue]

Uh, it-it-it's lovely, but I don't think I..

Hey, you look good, kid.

Nobody is ever gonna call you a nerd again

with that baby, huh?

How did you know they called me nerd?

Skip it.

Twenty bucks.

Well, you know, this would get me an A.

You know, I'm doing a report on the proliferation

of handguns in America.

This would make a great visual aid.

Yeah, it really would.

You know, that's a terrible problem.

You know, if I could help you make that point

in some small way, you know, I'd be so proud.

You'll be surprised how many crazies

there are out there with guns.

You know what I mean.

You bet.

You know, kid, I wouldn't sell this gun to just anybody

but you look like you know how to handle a piece, huh?

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

Well, uh, wh-what kind of a rod is this?

Ah. It is very special.

In fact, it's called a, uh, Saturday night special.

Oh, hey, those are against the law.

What? Kid, you're gonna let some candy-pants politicians

tell you what to do?

- Well.. - Come on, kid.

Think of an A, huh?

A plus.

- You got a deal. - Attaboy, tiger.

[laughing]

Huh? Huh?

[indistinct chatter]

- How do I look? - Hey, great.

Except I don't like your head parted on that side.

Hey, you want me to part it on the other side?

- Wow! - Whoa! Hey.

Quick, quick, take it off before Dennis gets here.

- Yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, guys, what's up?

Hey, hey, you brought the costume, right?

- Right here. - Oh.

Why, why aren't you in costume?

I am. I'm Louis Rukeyser, the host of "Wall Street Week."

Okay, okay, is everybody clear on the plan?

Tonight at the carnival, we have to get Dennis

into the history classroom, okay?

We'll tell him we need some-some chairs

or some books or something.

Here he comes, here he comes. Shh!

Well, well, somebody stole it.

Yeah, you're right. Somebody did steal it.

Excuse me, I'm looking for a very dear friend of mine.

Have any of you seen Saddam Hussein?

Very nice, guys. Very, very impressive.

Uh, hey, Darlene, it's getting pretty late.

Don't you think you ought to put on your costume?

[laughs]

I kid, I'm a kidder.

[indistinct chatter]

God, I love this holiday.

Obviously, you're the guy

that broke into the cooking classroom, aren't you?

- Uh-huh. - Mm-hmm.

What are you babbling about, Darlene?

Well, we went in there this morning

to finish our Home Ec projects

and there were a few things missing.

Oh, like some knives and the meat cleaver.

Mm-hmm.

- The cleaver? - Mm-hmm.

As if you didn't know.

I didn't take it, Darlene. Why would I?

It has no style, no wit.

However, if you're looking for a fork, I'm the man to ask.

[laughing]

[bell rings]

- He'll get his tonight. - Mm-hmm.

[indistinct chatter]

After you, Maid Marian.

Engen.

Oh, Zach, uh, hey, you look really scary.

I'm not wearing a costume, Engen.

- I'm just scary. - Oh, right.

Bet you thought you were pretty slick

sneaking out on me yesterday, huh?

Well, now you owe me two bucks for yesterday

two bucks for today, plus another 6.50

'cause, uh, I didn't like your movie.

Well, I-I don't have it all on me right now.

No, mm?

Well, you wouldn't, you wouldn't be hiding it now, would you?

- No, I-- - No?

I think I'm gonna see for myself.

No, Zach, don't take..

Oh, oh, God.

Zach, uh, it's not what you think.

Hey, it's okay. You-you don't have to explain.

Zach, please don't tell anyone.

Sure. Hey, you know, you know, I was, I was, uh

I was just goofing with you, Engen.

Okay? I mean..

We-we-we cool?

I, uh, I guess I can let it go..

...this time.

Alright, thanks, Arvid, and look, I'm not, I'm not

I'm not gonna mess with you anymore, I promise.

Well, uh, see that you don't, bub.

And-and-and that's Mr. Engen to you.

- Mr. Engen. - Very good.

Now scram unless you're feelin' lucky.

Are ya, punk?

Who am I?

I'm Batman.

Oh, there you are.

Where were you when I was mugged the other day?

[laughs] Cute, cute. Yo, Bill.

And yo to you, too, Arvid. How are you doing?

Good, damn good.

- Where's your costume, big guy? - Oh, I got it in my bag.

I was kind of embarrassed to be wearing it

on the streets of New York, you know.

People might think I was nuts.

They might run away in terror the minute the cloth ties on me.

What do you think? Hey, brilliant.

I should wear it all the time. Maybe every day.

Well-well, you're-you're not really afraid, are ya?

It's dangerous out there, Arvid, I tell you.

I-I mean, you're the one who told me to live one day

as a lion rather than a whole lifetime as a lamb.

Well, that's how I'm living it. As a lion.

Uh, of course, today I'm a bat

but, uh, on-on-on other days, I'll be much more lionish.

Yeah, never mind.

How's that report on guns coming along?

Oh, I'll have the statistics done by tomorrow.

But, uh, I've got a great visual aid.

- Yeah? - Wait till you see it.

- It'll blow you away. - Great.

Oh, Billy, oh, you look splendid.

A fine rabbit.

Listen, would you help me blow up these balloons?

The kids have to have the gym decorated by 6:00.

Oh, how tempting.

Alone with you in a fairy suit

and a room full of rubber novelties.

[laughing]

- That's right. - Sorry, I can't.

It's too late and I'm going to have to grab a cab before--

Before it gets dark?

That's not what I was about to say.

I was going to say before the news comes on actually.

[squirts balloon]

Are you implying something?

Okay, I admit I've been a bit more cautious than usual

but that doesn't mean I've been running home like a scared--

Rabbit?

Billy, you know you have a right to be afraid.

I realize that. Amendment 2A to the Constitution

that people have a right to be afraid of the people

who have the right to keep and bear arms.

Okay, I admit it. I'm afraid.

Mr. MacGregor.

I need your first quarter, uh, attendance figures

for the Board of Education meeting.

If I don't have them, I'll look like an idiot.

I'll see if I can find them.

Don't think it'll help though.

[laughs]

[whistling]

[grunting]

[all screaming]

Oh, I can't wait to see the look on his face.

- Oh. - Billy, I'm sorry.

- We thought you were Dennis. - Yeah.

What's the matter with you people?

That's a sick, disgusting thing to do.

Aren't there enough horrible things in the world

without you inventing more?

(all) Billy, we were just joking.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Well, I don't think it's funny.

Come on, everyone, let's just calm down

and go back to the carnival, okay?

- Yeah. - Right.

[screaming]

Here's Dennis.

[laughs]

Dennis.

That was priceless.

I'm sorry, but you guys set up

that phony madman story so beautifully

I couldn't resist.

Oh, you wanna see a madman?

That man struck me with a carrot.

Maybe he thought you were Elmer Fudd.

Oh, my God, the gun.

[panting]

[theme music]