Original subtitles

[theme music]

But absolutely, my favorite lunatic

from the last days of the tsar

was the Russian priest, Rasputin.

Grigori Rasputin, a total nutcase.

He had the Russian royal family completely buffaloed

because they believed that he could cure

their only son of hemophilia.

'Just a minute, Sarah.'

So he had the tsar's ear all of the time.

But around the royal palace, there was a lot of heavyweights

who wanted to have the tsar's ear

and they plotted to kill Rasputin.

And they knew it was gonna be difficult

so they said the best way to do it

we'll invite him to a wee dinner party.

A little cozy number, right?

Because he's a bit of a glutton, the guy.

And the job fell on Prince Yusupov

who took the job gladly because he knew

that Rasputin had a very strong fancy for his wife.

(all) Whoo!

So he said, "Do you fancy coming up to my house

and trying my wife's cookin'? It's magic."

Rasputin said, "Yeah, count me in."

So they made a lot of little cakes

and filled them with cyanide.

And in case he didn't like cakes

they put some cyanide in the wine.

Rasputin turned up, six cakes down the neck.

"Fabulous, lovely cakes," he said.

"But I'm a wee bit dry. Give us a glass of wine."

Three large glasses of wine down the face.

The only effect that had on him was to give him

a serious attack at the munchies.

He said, "Any of them wee cakes left? I fancy one or two."

Another six cakes down the face.

Two hours later, he's singin' Russian folk songs

and dancin' in the livin' room.

They said, "How are we gonna kill this bugger?

He's gonna live forever."

So Yusupov shot him. Bang!

Rasputin dropped like a dead tree.

A doctor was there. He rushed up and pronounced him dead.

No sooner had the pronouncement been made, Rasputin sat up

and said, "I'm seriously annoyed at you people."

They shot him again. They kicked him in the head.

They stabbed him. They tied him up with ropes.

They wrapped him up in the draperies.

They stuffed an after-dinner mint into his mouth.

And they were stuffing him through a hole in the ice.

And Rasputin said, "You don't find me attractive, do you?"

They shoved him into the raging torrent below.

Three days later, they discovered his body.

And on examination, discovered that he had drowned

while trying to swim ashore.

'Truth!'

Well, you know what's really interesting about hemophilia?

- Huh? - Sarah!

Sarah, I've just given you one of the great

ripping yarns of Europe

about one of Europe's most outstanding characters

and all you hear, hemophilia?

Oh, I was just reading about it last night.

It's a deficiency of Factor VIII

which inhibits the blood's ability to clot.

That was my best story.

They couldn't kill the bugger.

Oh, well, I liked the part about hemophilia.

[bell rings]

Get out of here. Have a nice weekend.

- Bye, Billy. - Bye, Billy.

Oh, Simone. What time are we supposed to be there tonight?

- Eight o'clock. - Oh, good.

- Be where? - It's just for the girls, Alex.

- It's a pajama party. - Mmm.

- Pajamas? - Girls?

Girls in pajamas?

You mean, pajamas with little bunnies

a-a-and skimpy thingies with, with the flimsy, lacy--

- You'll never know, Arvid. - Oh, come on.

You know somethin'. I've never been to a pajama party before.

Where I come from, five girls sleepin' in the same room

isn't called a party. They're called sisters.

Four girls, Simone. I'm sorry. I can't make it.

I'm working at the hospital this weekend.

- Oh, again? - Oh, but I love it.

Even though I'm just an orderly

I've learned so much from Dr. Hayes.

Oh, okay, Sarah.

Hey, Sarah, you work at the hospital, huh?

Well, I think that's brilliant.

Oh, well, thank you. I wanna be a doctor

and I'm just trying to get a head start.

Oh, it's wonderful, so many of the kids in here

are so impressive. They all do somethin' special.

- What are you starin' at? - Your skin.

- It's a little off-color. - So is my language, Sarah.

- A-and it's kind of dry. - Yeah, a bit like my wit.

- Really, huh? - And your hair.

- Ah! - That's my hair!

What.. I didn't feel a thing there.

Well, Billy, maybe you should talk to a doctor about this.

Oh, come on, there's nothin' wrong with me.

I just happen to be losin' my hair at twice

the speed of light for no apparent reason.

Oh, well, well, I know. I'll look in my "Merck Manual."

It lists all the symptoms of the diseases.

Dise.. You're insinuatin' I've got some kind of disease?

- Oh, wouldn't that be great? - Great?

I've got some weird incurable disease

and you think it's great!

Oh, no, Billy. I'm sorry.

It's just that, well, Dr. Hayes never lets me

do any diagnosing at the hospital.

Yeah?

- Uh-huh. Okay. - What?

Oh. Oh.

- What? What is it? - Hypervitaminosis.

Do you take vitamins?

I'll take more if it'll do any good.

Well, Billy, there's-there's a possibility that-that--

Well, what? What?

Oh, it's nothing.

I-I mean, unless, of course, you've been in the tropics.

I was. I was in Borneo two years ago.

[gasps] Oh, no!

- Wh-what, what is it? - Nah. It's, it's nothing.

- I wouldn't worry about it. - I want to worry about it.

Give me somethin' to worry about.

- Leprosy? - What?

♪ Just a little bit longer love child ♪

♪ Wait you should've hold on ♪

♪ Just a little bit longer love child ♪

♪ Never quite as good ♪

♪ Afraid ashamed misunderstood ♪

Go, T.J. Go, T.J.

♪ I'll always love you-u-u ♪♪

[all cheering]

That was great.

Hey, who do you think has better buns, Milli or Vanilli?

- That's not their real names. - That's not their real voices.

Probably not their real buns either.

Hey, listen to this.

"Bloom was spinning as Lord Vincent carried

her trembling body towards the great four-poster."

Pretty racy stuff for a Jane Austen freak, Simone.

- 'Yeah, Simone.' - It's my dad's book.

Oh, your dad reads this trash?

No, he binds it. He's a bookbinder.

Oh, he binds them? And you read them.

- 'Right, right, right.' - They're funny.

Um, uh, publishers call these romances bodice-rippers

because the girl on the cover's bodice is always ripped.

- Wow! - Let me see that.

- Hot. - Oh.

"Oh, Vincent. Don't hurt me. Don't hurt me.

Oh, Vincent, hurt me, hurt me."

This is disgusting. Can you imagine that?

A woman sayin' this to a man.

No, but I can imagine Aristotle saying it to you.

[laughter]

Who writes these things anyway?

Well, anybody could, once you figure out the formula

it's like algebra with heavy breathing.

Hey, you know what, maybe..

- No, never mind. - What?

Well, we have the whole weekend. Maybe we could..

- What, Simone? - Yeah, what?

I know it sounds crazy.

But maybe we could write one of these.

- 'Yes.' - That's a great idea. Yeah.

And if it's really good and really steamy

my dad knows a lot of publishers.

Maybe we could even sell it.

- Wow. - Yeah, that's a great idea.

Hi, girls. Let the games begin!

'Dennis, out, out!'

[all clamoring]

- Mornin', Bernadette. - Morning, Billy.

Mornin', Dr. Samuels.

Ah, there's something different about you.

Don't tell me. You've lost weight.

- Well. - Haircut?

Leprosy.

Leprosy? Are you talking about

where you lose the fingers and the toes?

No, that's shop class.

Lep, leprosy's somethin' the same

except you don't wear goggles.

Don't be ridiculous. You do not have leprosy.

Oh, good. Does that mean

you'll go for dinner with me then?

Don't you think you should find out first?

Oh, I see. You won't go out with me

until you find out whether or not I've got leprosy.

No, I'm-I'm not saying that. But it would be a factor.

Come on, I'm a nice guy. I've got a pleasant personality.

I mean, I might be a leper. So what?

Look, why don't you just get to a doctor?

Otherwise you'll wind up collecting alms

in the marketplace.

I've been to a doctor.

He says, "How are you gonna pay for this?"

I said, "Hey, listen, in Scotland

the government pays for this kind of thing."

He says, "Have a nice flight."

Billy, what about your teacher's union health plan?

What's that?

Don't you remember filling out the forms

on the first day of school?

Oh, that bureaucratic bumfluff.

I threw that away.

What's this about? H-he didn't fill out the forms?

You didn't fill out the forms?

Oh, I'm deeply sorry about the whole thing.

If you give me another form, I'll fill it out--

Oh, no, no. I think that's too late.

I mean, if you've already seen a doctor

about this, I'm afraid that the insurance

just won't pay for it. They won't, will they?

That's what they call a pre-existing condition.

- What am I gonna do? - Well, it's very simple.

If this thing happens again

don't go to see a doctor until you see a doctor.

What?

Here it is. I finished typing it at 3:00 this morning.

Great. So when do we start showing it to publishers?

Wait a minute. Don't you think we need a pen name?

- Yes. - Okay.

How about Dardanella Musk?

Sounds like a perfume.

No, no, no, we need something

that combines lustfulness with innocence.

Libertina Modest.

Nah, too obvious. How about Felicity Wilde?

Yeah, that's close. But not quite.

Okay, okay. How about Clytemnestra Demure?

(all) Clytemnestra Demure.

- Hey, Dennis. - Hey, Dennis.

Guys, guys, guys.

Check out what the girls wrote.

[gasps]

[laughs]

Billy, if you can't afford the doctor

there's always City General and it's free.

What, a free hospitals?

Sounds like somethin' out of Charles Dickens.

Cockroaches, leeches, rats.

And that's only the staff, huh?

So who works in these places? Doctors that can't play golf?

(Sarah) 'No, no, no, Billy, it's not like that at all.'

I work for City General.

And Dr. Hayes is a really good doctor.

And I'm a really good orderly.

And we take really good care of people.

Oh, I'm sure it's a really good place. But no, thanks, Sarah.

[bell rings]

Okay.

Enough of my medical problems.

What about these reports you promised? Who's gonna go first?

I wrote mine on the socio-economic conditions

that precede revolution.

Brilliant. The floor is yours.

"'No, not here,' Rachel moaned."

[laughter]

"What, what if the headmaster returns?

I am the headmaster, he said removing his mask."

Hey, why are you stopping the best damn report

I've heard in years?

Uh, I-I'm sorry. Just got this mixed up with my papers.

Hey, that's nothin'. Ahem, listen to my report.

"The white stallion sniffed at his oats.

Indifferent to the sounds of passion that rocked the stable."

Hey, Eric, where did you get that?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Come on, man. Don't stop. Go on.

I-I can't read the rest of this out loud.

Okay, how about this?

"Consumed with desire--"

- Dennis, come on. - 'That's enough.'

"Derek ripped her silk bodice

revealing her ripe, luscious forbidden fruits."

- Dennis. - Stop.

Okay, okay, if that's the way you like your history.

The president gently laid the First Lady

on the huge mahogany desk.

"I want you," he moaned.

"I want you even more than the Trades Act of 1894."

She slid her slender fingers through his thinning temples..

Oh, my God.

Sarah, do you think you could give me that

uh, address again?

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

- MacGregor William C. - At last.

Ah! Before you see the doctor

you have to complete a few forms.

But I've been here for four hours.

Couldn't you have told me this before?

This is the way it's done. Now then do you have insurance?

- Yes, I do. - Can you prove it?

No, I can't. But it doesn't matter.

This is a public hospital. So it's free, right?

Not for people who have insurance.

- Okay, I don't have insurance. - Can you prove it?

How do you prove you don't have insurance?

This is my insurance. Would you like my card?

Thank you. Now how do I get to see a doctor?

- I mean, I've seen one already. - Oh, a pre-existing condition?

- No, uh, he couldn't help me. - But you saw one?

Uh, but that was before I knew what I've got.

- What have you got? - I don't know.

Well, I can't help you until you tell me what your problem is.

That's why I'm here. To find out what my problem is.

Now we're getting somewhere. Do you have insurance?

No, no, I don't have insurance.

And no, no, no, I can't prove it.

- How do you intend to pay? - I don't.

That's why I'm here.

This clinic is only free for those people

who have no visible means of support.

Do you have a job?

Yes, I have a job. I am a teacher.

Therefore I have an invisible means of support.

Oh, then you have a great health plan.

No, they have a great health plan. I threw mine away.

Well, we weren't thinking ahead, were we?

Listen to me, you Florence bloody nightmare.

You're not a nurse. You're a bouncer.

Now how do I get to see a doctor in here? Have a heart attack?

If you think this attitude is gonna get you to see the doctor

then you're yelling at the wrong person.

I've been yelled at by sicker people than you.

[groans]

Ah! Pains in the chest. Ah!

- Excuse me. - Ah!

General discomfort in the chestal area.

Ah, ah. Shortness of breath.

Heart attack?

Uh.

You know, just reading that stuff cleared up my complexion.

Me too.

Alright, alright, that's enough.

Now we've been good sports up to now.

But you guys are making too much

out of a sweet little harmless romance novel.

(all) Aw.

Harmless? Harmless!

May I quote from page 56 where you say

"She gingerly examined the scar

where the bull had gored him years ago."

[moans]

"Revulsion turned to lust as she--"

Hey, I don't remember writing anything

about bullfighters or scars.

- No, that had to be Darlene. - Excuse me.

No, no, no, I-I think Darlene wrote the part

where the fiery vixen feels the steaming flanks

of the masterful stallion beneath her.

Now why would you think that's me?

Because you feel everything's beneath you.

No, no, no, no, my, my favorite part was

"He was a slender man, but strikingly handsome

"with his tussled hair, his teasing smile..

"...and he exuded an animal aura

"that made even the most independent woman

his playthings of love."

Well, that's me. Isn't it, you saucy wench?

No, no, no. I'll tell you who it is.

It's me. Right, T.J.?

[scoffs] In your dreams, baby.

No, baby, in my dreams, I'm really buff.

[indistinct chatter]

Simone, let's take a look at exactly what you added here.

Yes, Simone, I thought you're just gonna correct the spelling

not, uh, turn up the heat.

Oh, well, I couldn't help but smooth it out a little.

You know, add a pronoun here, a proposition there.

[laughing]

Oh, my God. Billy, what happened?

- Nothin'. - Nothing?

Don't say nothing. You just collapsed.

Just be thankful that you were in

a really good place when it happened.

A really good place?

These people could finish off Rasputin.

Well, y-your BP looks good.

And I don't see anything erratic in your EKG.

And no T waves. Of course, we have to wait for your CPK.

There's a good chance you didn't have an MI.

That's right, I didn't. It was BS.

- Banti's syndrome? - No, Sarah.

I pretended to have a heart attack

just so as I can get here.

- You what? - That's right.

That's what I did.

Nurse Wretched out there drove me to it.

And I'm not leavin' till somebody tells me

what's the matter with me.

Uh, well, Billy, this is terrible.

Dr. Hayes is never gonna take me seriously now.

Sh-she's probably gonna kill me.

What? You are talking to a man

whose eyebrows are about to leave this hospital.

I'm shedding like a bloody sheepdog

and nobody can tell me why.

- Billy, I told you why. - You told me I had leprosy.

Surely, that merits a visit to the doctor.

No, Billy. I said there was a possibility.

- Same thing. - Mr. MacGregor.

Oh, Billy. Call me Billy.

In medicine, it is not only important to know what happened

but the factors contributing to it

so we can prevent it from happening again.

- What do you mean? - I got your test results back.

And from what I can determine

you had a massive fake heart attack.

Oh, you're good. You are very good.

Now let me tell you why I'm here.

No, let me tell you why I'm here.

I come here to patch up people with real problems.

- So if you'll excuse me. - Wait a minute.

Why are you treating me like a leper?

Oh, wait a minute, I'm a leper.

Why aren't you treating me like a leper?

- A leper? - Yeah.

Yellow skin, fallin' hair.

- Who told you you had leprosy? - She did.

I did not say you had leprosy. I said you might have leprosy.

I didn't even say that.

Where do you get off saying anything?

Well, he talked to me about symptoms

and I was just trying to help.

Oh, I told him to see a doctor, but he's too cheap.

Why, I'm not too cheap.

They are too expensive.

No, leprosy.

Sarah, just because you read a "Merck Manual"

doesn't give you the right to terrify people

with your hare-brained diagnosis.

- Oh-- - Oh, so I don't have leprosy?

But, Dr. Hayes, it's not so hare-brained.

- He does have the symptoms. - So I do have leprosy?

Does he have numbness in his extremities?

My God, I can't feel my arm.

Ah, I can't feel a thing.

- Oh. - There, you're cured.

Oh, thank you. Oh, you are good. You're good.

Sarah, you're supposed to change sheets, clean up

push gurneys, empty bedpans.

You're not supposed to play Doogie Howser.

Well, I-I guess you don't wanna know what I think he really has.

- No. - Hypervitamnosis.

- Sarah, doctor, bedpans. - Sorry.

Besides, I wanted to tell him.

[gasps] I knew it. I knew it. I knew it.

In your blood tests, your retinol was off the scale.

It was a lucky guess, but a good one.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, how nice that you girls

are gettin' along again, eh?

Meanwhile, I'm rotting away

with hypervitamin thingummy bloody jig here.

Hypervitaminosis.

By the way, how many do you take anyway?

Oh, I don't know. It varies really.

Couple of Wilmas, a few Freds, handful of Barneys.

- The odd Dino, you know. - Flintstone vitamins.

Yeah. Well, they're so cute. I just eat them like candy.

You're taking enough for all of Bedrock.

You'll be okay in a couple of weeks.

After that, I want you to take the recommended dosage

for a child your age, okay?

We should get some Vitamin K into him.

Sorry.

- You wanna prep him? - Oh, sure, thanks.

- Mr. MacGregor. - Billy. Call me Billy.

Billy.

Roll over.

Simone, I read our book..

...excuse me, your book last night.

And I have to admit your version was much better.

Yeah, talk about still waters running deep.

My parents read a couple of pages the next thing

you know, they turned off Ted Harbert.

You know what, when we sell it

I think you should get all the money

and buy yourself a horse.

Well, unfortunately, girls, it's too late for that.

My dad's publisher friend already read it.

"Dear Miss Demure, you've set out to write a novel

"of passion, romance and human sexuality.

"I give you the advice I give all young writers.

Forget about all that stuff and write what you know."

[bell rings]

See, if you had not thrown me out of that party

we'd all have something to write about.

Oh, boy.

[clamoring]

[sighs]

- Morning, everybody. - Good morning, Billy.

Good morning, Billy.

Hey, yo, Billy. How'd your free medical care go?

- It cost me $633. - Oh.

Uh, Billy. Uh, excuse me. I have some good news for you.

I was wrong about your insurance.

You're automatically covered even without the forms.

You have just told a Scotsman

that he has spent $633 for nothing.

[groans]

You can get reimbursed.

Suddenly I feel very much better.

[theme music]

[theme music]