Original subtitles

[theme music]

[sighs]

Hey, that wasn't from that Ed McMahon fellow, was it?

You may have won $10 million

and any one of a number of very valuable prizes.

That's a rejection letter from a short story

I sent to a magazine.

Hey, I didn't know you were a writer.

Yeah, well, apparently I'm not.

Oh, come on, don't let one little

rejection slip get you down.

One? I could wallpaper my room with these things.

Let me see. You must keep trying, you know?

Now, this isn't bad at all.

Look, at least it isn't one of those form letters.

Someone's gone through the trouble to write

"Dull, boring, deeply uninteresting."

- It is very good. - Thank you for cheering me up.

Ah! Bernadette!

I have a really serious problem here.

I found a brilliant wee restaurant

and I made a reservation for two.

Unfortunately, there's only one of me.

No. I have a problem. Mrs. Lang is in the hospital.

And I don't have a teacher for Honors French.

Your problem is solved.

I will happily take your Honors French class.

You would?

See what you don't understand is

I would do anything for you.

I would swim through shark-infested oceans

wearing flippers made of lamb chops, just for you.

I would go to Mecca wearing a name tag that says

"Hi, I'm Salman Rushdie" just for you.

I would do anything for you

or as we say in La Belle, France..

[speaking in foreign language]

Oh, that's very, very sweet, Billy. Thank you.

- No. Dinner. - What about dinner?

Hey, I thought you'd never ask!

Well, actually

you've been so sweet about this French thing, why not?

- Magnifique. Fantastique. - Okay.

- Good morning! - Oh, morning, Dr. Samuels.

Uh, Billy's gonna take the IHP class in Honors French.

- Oh, that's Mrs. Lang's class. - 'Uh-huh.'

You really think you can fill Mrs. Lang's shoes?

Yeah, I don't think I'd look too good in her pantyhose, though.

I don't know about that.

Oh, Dr. Samuels, please!

I mean, Billy is a very sophisticated European.

If he says he can do it, he can do it.

Besides, I heard him speak French, and he's good.

And I am not just tres bon. I am le best!

Wow, you really do know your French, huh?

Is there anything this man can't do?

Mm-mm.

Actually, there is one thing I can't do.

- What's that? - I can't speak French.

[instrumental music]

[speaking in foreign language]

Bonjour, mademoiselle..

[chuckles] Monsieur Billy, bonjour.

[speaking in foreign language]

Ah, Simone! Eh, fine. Thank you very much.

No, no, no!

[speaking in foreign language]

Oui! Oui, indeed.

[speaking in foreign language]

Alex, you're here, too. That's great.

Where Madam Lang?

Ah! Bonjour, Billy.

- Bonjour, Billy. - 'Bonjour, Billy.'

My God! You're all here.

[speaking in foreign language]

Fantastique!

Okay! Brilliant, fantastic, wonderful.

Now, can we just speak English, right?

[speaking in foreign language]

Enough, Alan! Let's speak English, okay?

[speaking in foreign language]

Alan, zip your la bouche, alright?

They all made a sacred promise

never to speak English in this room.

- Eric, you broke the promise! - Yeah.

So? Sue moi.

The-the thing is, Billy

usually our French teachers speak French.

Well, I have a little bit of French

I've picked up here and there.

[speaking in foreign language]

You know where they came from.

But listen, you don't need to know a great deal of French

to carry on a conversation in French.

I have found this over the years

when you're speaking to a Frenchman

you wait until he gets to the end of the sentence

you take his very last word

turn it around and make it into a question.

So if he say's..

[speaking in foreign language]

You say, "Paitre ya?" And he says..

[speaking in foreign language]

And you say "Arrive?"

I tell you, you can stand there for days doing that.

Well, I say..

[speaking in foreign language]

Ridicule?

[speaking in foreign language]

See? It works! Didn't I tell you?

Excuse me, Billy, but if you don't understand French

we're wasting our time here.

- Yeah. - And I..

Listen, you may well

be wasting your time

but that's not necessarily my fault.

I mean, look at this text book, it must have been published

in the Second World War, I've..

I've never seen anything like it!

I'll find you a good phrase.

Here we are, "We have reason to believe

there are Germans hiding in your cellar."

I mean, what have you people been learning here?

We were studying the past pluperfect of subjunctive verbs.

My point exactly!

It's a long-held theory of mine

that in French lessons in this country

far too much of the time is spent learning French!

God, I wish you were our gym teacher.

So how many of you, for instance

have ever been to France?

- Ah.. - Oh, that's brilliant.

You can all speak French and you've never been there.

How many of you want to go to France?

- Ah.. - Yeah, I'd love to!

Oh, right after college and graduate school.

I'll go there to celebrate my PhD or my 40th birthday

whichever comes first.

Um, I plan to go in someday

with my lovely wife and our two children

Ethan and Debra.

But how about right now?

Oh, sure. I'd love to go to the Pere Lachaise Cemetery.

Oscar Wilde's buried there, and Victor Hugo--

- Balzac. - No! It's true!

Oh! Listen.

There's no point in learning French all of these years

if you're gonna go to France and see dead people.

France isn't a dead country, it isn't full of cemeteries

and museums and galleries.

There's a great deal more than that to it.

Paris is one of the great romantic adventures of our time.

Go to Paris, you fall in love!

- Mm-hmm. - Arvid!

- Hm? - Close your eyes.

- Hm. - Just imagine, alright?

- You're in Paris. - Mm-hmm.

The jazz is hot, you're cool.

[chuckles]

Down the vroom of tar goin' in an incredible speed

is a man on a moped

wearing wrap-around sunglasses.

- This is you. - Oh!

It's dusk, you're zipping along the road..

...along the banks of the Seine.

The city is reflected in gold in the water.

You turn over at Pont Neuf.

[imitates engine revving]

You head at a fantastic speed down the Champs-Elysees.

But wait!

You set eyes on the most stunning redhead

you've ever seen in your life.

Your eyes meet. They lock into position.

Unfortunately, there's another guy there

with exactly the same idea.

You don't like this.

You leap at him like a crazed beast.

You grab his lapel, you smack his face twice!

[slapping]

He scurries off like a wounded animal.

You sit down, the waiter approaches.

You say, "Un cafe, sil-vous-plait."

She reaches out, you take her hand gently in yours.

This, Arvid, is Paris.

- Mm.. - Mm..

Speak to her! Speak to her.

Oh, uh. Ahem, uh..

Je m'appelle Arvid Engen.

[speaking in foreign language]

Oh, no!

Comment allez-vous? How are you?

Boring!

No! I love you.

No. I desperately need you!

'No. Your beauty blinded me.'

I ran into the espresso machine with my scooter!

So, Billy, what would you say?

Oh, I don't know. I don't know what I would say.

I've said many things in that position.

When I was in France as a young man

when youth was in its flower and my acne was ablaze..

...I remember, I was

I was in Brittany, I saw the most beautiful creature

I have ever set eyes upon

on the beach.

I was desperate to speak to her

but I had so little French, I was scanning the horizon

for something that meant anything to me

something I knew the name of just to make contact.

And then I saw it.

In the Channel, a little boat bobbing around.

I thought, "Great!"

I walked up to her, I pointed to the boat

and I said, "Bateau."

She said, "Oui, poisson bateau."

- Fishing boat. - Exactly!

I then said, "Cafe, mademoiselle?"

She said, "Oui." And we went off in search of some coffee.

We were walking for ages

and it was ages since I'd said anything

and I was desperate to say something else.

We went into the cafe and there was my godsend.

On the dessert tray

a cake in the shape of a fishing boat!

I couldn't believe my luck! I held my mouth seeing it.

Poisson bateau gateau!

[laughing]

She laughed, I laughed, we both laughed!

Oh, yes!

And the rest is vile pornography!

But, no, no, no!

But my point is

there's no sense in learning

every syllable of the language

if you're not gonna learn the life of the country

the essence, the spirit of the country.

I've got an idea! Let's go to the movies!

- Now? - 'Yes!'

Let's go see a French movie. It'll be great!

That'll give you a clue of the whole affair!

I don't need a clue, I just need to get through French.

You mean, you're not an expert like everyone in this class?

What do I need to learn French for, so I can get

rejection letters from "Le Monde?"

I got enough trouble writin' English.

Oh, listen, man, it's maybe not the way you write.

Maybe it's what you're writing about that's the problem.

Yeah, well, I ain't been writing about anything lately.

It's weird to be burnt out before you even start.

Well, why don't you come to the movie?

Maybe it'll rattle your cage a little.

Maybe it'll get the old juices flowing, eh?

Everybody, come on, let's go!

[indistinct chatter]

Uh, I'm not goin'.

Well, you don't need to go.

You can always stay here and learn a few phrases

from this dynamite book.

I'll find you a good one. Here's a great one.

"Pardon me, I seem to have parachuted in your field

and killed one of your cows."

- Let's go. - 'Let's go.'

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Ah. That was incredible!

I've never seen the original version of "Breathless" before.

Oh, I thought it was so romantic.

I mean, an American girl falling in love

with a young, handsome French criminal.

Romantic? Girl, the man killed a cop!

And at the end, he died like a dog in the street.

Y-yeah, but it was a street in Paris.

I loved it when Coutard used that handheld camera.

That was fantabulous funky fresh!

Right. Hm, I learned a new French word.

Raisinet. Ha-ha!

Well, I thought it was really good. You know what?

I feel kind of French already.

D-D-Dennis, how do you think I'd look in a goatee?

I don't know. Like a goat.

You know, I'm startin' to understand

why so many writers went to Paris.

- Hemmingway, Fitzgerald.. - Oh, it's a great place to go.

A new perspective on your life to feed your talent.

Yeah, you'll find that if you've got any talent.

Hey, don't be so hard on yourself.

You're probably brilliant, you just haven't lived enough yet.

So how does one go about living enough?

Oh, I don't know. I went to France when I was 17.

- Seventeen? - Mm-hmm.

How'd you pull that off?

I don't know really, I just kinda went.

I walked, I hitch-hiked, I bummed rides on barges.

It was unbelievable.

But the point is

I didn't talk about it, I just did it.

- Maybe.. - Maybe what?

[chuckles] Nah, forget it.

Uh, Billy, this has been great and all

but don't you think we should be getting back to school?

I'd love to, Sarah, but my feet seem to be

stuck to the floor here.

Ah, come on, let's go.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

Well, you know, Jasper, I mean, it's just amazing

that there's over 200 different kinds of cheese in France.

Yeah, and that doesn't include goat cheese!

Yeah. Oh, oh, it's too bad I can't enjoy it.

- Lactose intolerance? - You, too?

- Yeah! - Hey!

[bell ringing]

Good morning, my brilliant ones!

- 'Morning.' - Good morning, Billy.

Where did we get to yesterday?

Oh, we were discussing whether

the '83 Burgundies were too fruity.

- Oh. - Croissant?

Oh, thank you.

Hey, where's Eric?

[indistinct chatter]

- Where's Simone? - 'Yeah.'

Maybe they are off together doing something French.

Hey, maybe they're seeing "Breathless" again.

Mm, maybe they're getting breathless again.

[all exclaiming]

You'll never guess what happened!

- 'What?' - Something wrong?

- It's Eric. - What?

Well, what happened? Where is he?

Well, actually, he's in Paris.

(all) Paris?

[indistinct chatter]

Look, look, he really did it? I mean..

He just took off and went to France?

I mean, what about school? When is he gonna come back?

What a sleaze!

- What's with you, Simone? - 'Yeah, Simone.'

What's with me?

Eric and I always dreamed of going to Europe.

Oh, we'd say, "We'll always have Paris."

Now he'll always have Paris and I'll always have bupkis.

Eric went to Paris for a particular reason.

He wanted to see whether or not he was actually a real writer.

Eric? In Paris?

Yeah, he got on a plane and flew to France.

Eric Mardian of the IHP?

Oh, he's not in the IHP any longer. He's in France.

Where did he get a crazy idea like that?

Well, I think I inspired him

to get off his bum and kick-start his life.

Could you excuse us?

Billy, I trusted you with this class.

If anything happens to Eric, it's gonna be on my conscience.

Bernadette, what can happen to him?

What's the worst thing that can happen?

He overdoses on garlic?

Excuse me, Mr. MacGregor.

There's a phone call for you from Paris.

Oh, great! Just-just keep studyin', will you?

I'll be back in a minute or two.

[indistinct chatter]

- Come on. - Okay, come on.

Hello?

Yeah. Uh, hello? Yeah, uh, oui.

Uh, m-merci. Eh, oh, God. Bonjour, mademoiselle.

Yeah, accepter un appel?

- Yes! - Oui!

Yes, uh, oui, oui. Eric! Ah, how are you, man?

Oh, great! Oh, who doesn't love Paris?

Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah, no.

Oh, dear. Look, have you tried selling your watch?

- Watch, for what? - Of course.

What about your jacket? It's a leather jacket, isn't it?

What? Oh, yeah, of course, it gets very cold at..

Mm, well, look.. No, I-I'm sorry, I-I couldn't do that.

No, I-I realize you would pay me back

but I, I, actually, I just don't want to do that.

But, look, have a great time.

And, listen, everybody says hello!

[clamoring]

Yeah. Okay, look, have a great time and do it, man, okay?

- Bye-bye. - Wait!

[clamoring]

Listen, he's havin' a great time, he's seen lots of Paris.

He's met some exotic interesting people.

Unfortunately, he's run out of m-money, you know?

Hey, he was trying to borrow some from me!

[laughs]

And you didn't lend it to him?

- No! - Hey, that's cold, man.

Are you from Scotland or Iceland?

- Come on. - Well..

At least it means he'll be coming home soon.

- Yeah. - Well, actually.

Not necessarily.

Because the money he ran out of

was the money he got for his return ticket.

So I think Eric's a wee bit, uh, stranded.

Oh, well, back to the class. Come on.

[indistinct chatter]

Wait, wait a minute!

Let's start today with a weird fact

about Grover Cleveland.

Firstly, his first weird fact

was his name.

Grover.

The nightmare continues.

Actually, if you count the travel day

it's day nine.

Poor Eric, I, I bet

he's standing on a bridge in Paris right now

wondering where his next meal's gonna come from.

And it's all my fault.

Wait, what am I saying?

It's not all my fault. It's all your fault!

- Yeah. - Yeah, Billy.

Okay! I give in.

The whole thing is my cruel fault.

I dragged him, screaming and kicking to the airport

and then held him at gunpoint

forced him on to the plane to Paris.

It's all part of my grand plan

to take over America!

What? Billy, you could've given him that money.

[clamoring]

Of course, I could.

Yeah, I thought you liked him, man.

I do like him, I think he's terrific.

Well, aren't you worried about him?

I am worried about him, but I think he'll be okay.

Yeah, and how do you know that?

- Right. - Because I was okay.

Mr. MacGregor

I just got off the phone with Eric's mother.

She comes back from a trip and there's a note from Eric.

Says he went to Paris.

I told her we, here at Fillmore

don't know anything about this.

- I am not wrong, right? - Wrong.

How could he do it? How could he skip class and-and leave?

Well, it's just that Billy did such a good job teaching

that maybe Eric over-reacted a little and..

Hey, what's up?

- Hey! - Hey!

Eric, where you've been?

- Paris! - Don't let it happen again.

[indistinct chatter]

- Hey, Billy. - Hey, welcome back, Eric.

Hey, aren't you gonna deck him?

Yeah, he left you stranded.

Tell me about it, I couldn't believe it

when you wouldn't send me the money. I was terrified.

But I had to eat, right, so I got this job

passing on leaflets to some club. Check this out, Simone.

I'm sittin' in a cafe on the left bank

trying to figure out my next move

and I'm surrounded by writers and artists and philosophers.

At least that's what they looked like they were.

And-and they're talking way too fast for me.

Maybe I was listening way too fast 'cause I had like

eight espressos, and I was really wired.

It-it's the only thing I knew how to ask for.

So, anyway, the bill comes and it's 212 francs.

Yeah, turns out, I miscalculated the exchange rate.

Apparently, I drank, like, $42 worth of coffee

and I only got, like, 20.

So the owner comes out and he starts yelling at me in French

and I got no idea what he's saying.

But hand gestures are universal.

- Right? - Right?

Then this, pah

beautiful French college girl named Gabrielle..

She's a philosophy student at the Sorbonne.

Black leather skirt up till here, I swear to God.

Anyway, that's not important.

She, she leaps to her feet

and she starts calling the owner..

[speaking in foreign language]

All of her friends join in.

The next thing I know, I'm leading a socialist march

down the Boulevard Saint-Germain!

The cops come. Gabrielle, she grabs me.

We take off down this alley way.

- She takes me to her apartment. - 'Yes!'

- 'Yes, yes!' - 'Wait, wait, wait.'

She lives with a guy in a kaftan.

'N-nice guy, not quite sure what he did, though.'

And, and this old lady

who swears that she slept with Hemmingway.

'But-but that's not important.'

Anyway, I stay there for three days, right?

It turns out Gabrielle's boyfriend knows this guy

whose girlfriend is an American stewardess

and I could fly back to New York for free

if I pretend to be her husband.

And so I fly back to Kennedy

pretending to be a sax player named Fuzzy Jordan.

- Fuzzy? - But, no, no, no, man.

Tha-that's not important. I made it back.

And now it's all like this incredible dream.

Wow, Eric!

[all cheering]

But aren't you mad at him, though?

'Cause he wouldn't lend me the money?

- 'Yeah!' - Yeah, at first.

But now that I'm back

it's the best thing he could've done for me.

Yeah, you see, I would've sent the money to Eric, the tourist

but there was no way I was sendin' any money

to Eric, the writer.

I mean, you have just had an adventure

that Hemmingway would've given his right arm for.

- 'Yeah!' - 'Incredible.'

Yeah, I did, didn't I?

So now you have something to write about, right?

- 'Yeah.' - Yeah, I do.

Tough New York teenager

stranded in Paris

uses his street smarts to find love and adventure.

[cheering]

- I like it. - Yeah.

Hey, and what about

the debonair handsome professor

who inspired him?

Tell him to write his own story.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[music continues]