Original subtitles

[theme music]

Good morning, Miss Meara, listen, I need Dr. Samuels

to sign this scholarship application form.

Okay. Well, I'll take it in.

Why don't you just wait right here?

Yeah, yeah, but wait, you gotta make sure

that he signs right there.

- Okay. - And right there.

(Meara) 'Okay. I'll take care of that.'

- 'Alright?' - 'Okay. Great.'

Good morning, Billy.

Ah, Bernadette, hello.

Listen, you're obviously a woman of culture and taste

who appreciates great music.

- Yes, I do. - Here it is.

I've got two tickets to see the Rolling Stones.

Why, those tickets are worth a fortune.

Where'd you get a pair of those?

I won them, I was their millionth customer

at the Big Apple record store

and that wasn't easy, let me tell you.

I had to go through that turnstile 57 times to get these.

So how about it? Would you like some "Satisfaction?"

Uh, Billy, I make it a policy

not to date the men I work with.

Well, I wouldn't go out with Dr. Samuels either

but it's me we're talking about

Mrs. MacGregor's pride and joy.

Thanks, but I have a very active social life

away from the work place.

That makes one of us then, eh?

I don't understand American women. I can't communicate.

Not one date since I arrived in this place.

Hey! There's always the personals.

Personals? That is for people who are lonely.

Distressed, weird, far from home..

Give us a look at that.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Come on, guys, we can win 10,000 bucks

in "America's Funniest Home Video."

Yeah, all we have to do is come up

with something brilliant and clever, yet goofy.

[bell rings]

Morning, geniuses.

- Good morning, Billy! - Good morning, Billy!

What a great day to be alive.

"O Life! How pleasant in thy morning."

"Young Fancy's rays the hills adorning."

How impressive, Viki.

Not many people could recognize

and quote the great Robby Burns.

[clears throat]

"'Twas not her golden ringlets bright.

"Her lips like roses, wet with dew.

"Her heaving bosom, lily-white.

It was her eyes, so bonny-blue."

If you've hit enough on the bonny lass

can we please get on with history class?

Oh!

Do I detect a little boy-girl tension here?

- 'Yes.' - 'Yeah.'

(Billy) Okay.

Immigration. Ellis Island.

'Right after the Civil War'

the government actively encouraged immigration

from Eastern and Southern Europe.

The people arrived in the millions

and the first thing they saw as they arrived on the boats

was the Statue of Liberty, with the torch of freedom held high.

Personally, I flew here

and the first thing I saw was a Hare Krishna

with his handout.

But that inscription still inspires.

"Bring me your tired, your poor

"your huddled masses yearning to breathe free

the wretched refuse of your teeming shores."

Sort of a mixed message, isn't it, really?

Welcome to America, you wretched refuse.

Mind you, that's how I've been feeling lately.

Wretched, refused.

- Aw! - Aw!

That is, until I found the personal ads.

- 'Really?' - Wa-wait.

You answered an ad in the personals?

No. I answered 14 of them.

And there are six wonderful women

willing to step out with me.

- 'Now--' - Wait a minute, Billy.

Before you start dabbing cologne on your pulse points

some of these women are looking for friendship

some are looking for marriage

and some for cheap thrills. What are you looking for?

I am looking for friendship, marriage and cheap thrills

but not necessarily in that order.

And I hope to hit it off before the 23rd

so I can have a date to go and see the Stones.

Okay, Billy, here's what you do.

You get a table someplace neutral, yet non-threatening

like a coffee shop in the Village.

And then, you arrange to meet one date at, say, six o'clock.

Alright, and then you meet the next one

at another coffee shop at 7:00.

Then keep doing that in different coffee shops

until you've met the right one.

- 'Yeah.' - Or until your kidneys explode.

[instrumental music]

'If this doesn't win "America's Funniest Home Videos"'

nothing will.

Yeah. Falling down the stairs. That's fresh!

- Yeah. - I don't know, guys.

I mean, shouldn't we be thinking about getting into college?

I heard that they don't like anything

that's too staged on that show or that's too dangerous.

Oh, don't worry about it. Nobody is gonna get hurt.

- Okay. - Okay? Alright.

Now, who's gonna fall down the stairs?

- Oh, not me. - Not me. No way.

Uh, T.J., you do it.

Who, me? I'm not gonna do it.

- Why don't you do it? - No, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm the director and it's my camera.

Okay. Well, now, I'm the director and it's my camera.

So get your bony butt up those stairs.

[laughs]

I'm not fallin' down those stairs.

Oh, but you expect me, your girlfriend

to fall down the stairs? You know how fragile I am.

Dennis, Dennis, Dennis, my main man!

We're doin' a video for

"America's Funniest Home Videos."

And I was wondering if maybe you could help us out.

- 'Yeah.' - You know, what do you think?

What do you say? What do you say?

If we win, do I get part of the 10,000 bucks?

- Oh, yes. - Uh-huh.

Okay. What do you want me to do?

- Fall down the stairs. - That's all.

- Piece of cake. Piece of cake. - Hm. Tsk.

Love the concept. Let me recast it.

- Arvid. - Yeah.

How would you like to be on

"America's Funniest Home Videos?"

- 'Yeah.' - Hey, that'd be great!

You know, I do an impression of Albert Einstein

the math club thinks is a real hoot.

- Huh. - Yeah.

I'm sure it is, but listen

I-I was thinking more of a-a guy falling down

a big flight of stairs, carrying a stack of books.

[indistinct chatter]

You know, that'd be funny, too.

Just picture it. A nerdy guy with geeky clothes and glasses.

I get it. You know, you know, that's not fair.

It really, I mean, I-I-I maybe a tad, uh, unique

but you know, I-I am not some-some clumsy nerd.

Uh, uh, y-you see?

You thought I was gonna bump into that, didn't you?

Well, you can just forget it. I am not.. Ooh.

[instrumental music]

[school bell ringing]

Okay, class, before we start..

...are there any questions

about the things we discussed yesterday?

Yeah, Billy. How was your group date last night?

- 'Oh, yeah.' - Yeah.

It was great. I mean, American women are terrific.

Bizarre, but terrific.

The first one was really nice for a Satanist.

I mean, I don't know about you, but I think inverted crucifixes

and black candles are kind of passe as a fashion statement.

'The second one was extraordinary.'

She announced straight off

that her biological clock was ticking.

I'm sure it went off right there in the restaurant.

And then who else was there?

Oh, there was that wonderful woman.

A museum curator.

She announced that most of her favorite things were dead.

'Really, I had to get out of there'

before the conversation got around to chainsaws.

Yeah. Then there was the stockbroker.

She arrived with a laptop computer and a cellular phone.

I couldn't get a word in edgeways.

I'm gonna have to fax her goodbye

but then there was the beast.

I've never saw a woman like her in my entire life.

She had a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp.

Breath, I've never known, but this woman

this woman's breath..

Everything this woman says to me begins with an H.

"Have a nice day. How are you doing?

Are you havin' a nice time?"

My hair's changing color. My eyes are burning.

I can.. Well, I'm looking for somewhere to hide.

She breathing, I'm trying to synchronize her breath

so as we're both breathing out at the same time.

[exhaling]

This, this woman thinks I'm having a stroke.

She's-she's gonna give me the kiss of life.

I saw her mouth coming towards me

her mouth like an open grave.

And clamps over my face.

It's like being smashed in the face with half a watermelon.

Oh. Help!

But the last one

was an absolute knockout.

Tall, big eyes

beautiful full lips

and the loveliest long black hair.

And we had so much in common.

- 'Good.' - Oh, yeah.

We're both sports fanatics.

- We're both movie buffs. - 'Yeah.'

We're both men.

[indistinct chatter]

I got some great tips on eyeliner

if any of you ladies are interested.

Uh, so are you gonna see any of them again?

Only in recurring nightmares, I should imagine.

So what're you gonna do now?

Now I'm gonna keep my love life out of this class.

That's what I'm gonna do, and I'm gonna concentrate

on things I really know about, like, history, for instance.

- Nicaragua. - 'Alright.'

[indistinct chatter]

Somoza called himself president.

The Sandinistas called him a dictator.

They call themselves freedom fighters.

He called them commie terrorists

so they kicked him out. Then they were in charge.

Ronald Reagan called them commie oppressors

and he sent in the Contras, whom he called freedom fighters

and they called mercenary terrorists.

So b-basically, what you're called

depends largely on who's doing the talking

because hypocrisy is the Vaseline

of political intercourse.

[laughing]

They didn't like what they saw

so they changed it to make it sound better

just like in these personal ads.

It sounds great, but it's all lies.

Well, uh, maybe you could place your own ad.

Oh, hey, and, hey, lie about yourself.

- Yeah, that's right. - Yeah.

Billy, if you place your own ad

instead of answering other people's

you'll get the kind of woman that you really want.

- And we'll help you write it. - Yeah.

Now, listen, kids, I'm not opposed

to placin' one of those ads

but it would really have to be honest.

- Okay? - You want honesty? No problem.

Lonely immigrant needs date. No questions asked.

Oh! Come on! I didn't mean that honest.

Okay. Okay. Yo! Yo! Yo! How about this?

Poor Scottish dude is seekin' a date.

Oh, that sounds dreadful.

Couldn't we color it up a bit, you know

without lying, I mean.

Sure. You don't have to say Scottish.

It sounds better to say British.

- 'Yeah!' - 'He's right.'

And, Billy, you're not just a teacher

you're a scholar.

B-but scholar sounds so stuffy. You've traveled the world.

I mean, Nepal, Australia, Africa, right?

- Right. - Scholar adventurer.

- Yeah! - Yeah!

That's not too much of a stretch.

No. We need somethin' else.

We gotta put in somethin' about your looks.

Oh. I think he looks ethereal.

Ethereal? How does somebody look ethereal?

I think he's sort of rugged-looking.

- 'Yes!' - 'Uh-huh. Uh-huh.'

No. No. He's too sensitive to look rugged.

- 'Yeah.' - Okay. You're cute.

[chuckles] He's not cute, he's a grown man.

He's...handsome.

No! No! No! No! Please, girls.

I'm not handsome. I'm kind of, uh..

Attractive.

In-in a manly way.

- Right. Right. Right. - Okay.

Alright. Let's see what we got here, hang on.

"Attractive, British scholar adventurer is desperate."

- We can't write desperate. - Okay. Okay.

- Change desperate to yearning. - 'Yeah!'

Yearning. Yearning. Yearning for a date?

No. No. No. A meaningful relationship.

- 'Yeah.' - Meaningful rel..

- Okay. What about poor? - No. Rich.

Oh, no. That's what I was talkin' about before.

I don't want to lie.

- Very, very poor. - Oh, come on.

Just because money isn't top of my list of priorities?

Okay. Money no object.

Hey, I've got it. Non-materialistic.

- Yeah! - That's right.

Alright. Alright. Alright. Let's listen. Here.

"Attractive, non-materialistic, British scholar-adventurer

yearning for meaningful relationship."

- 'Oh!' - That's great!

Sounds great, but it's not me.

That's Lawrence of bloody Arabia, you know?

[indistinct chatter]

Goodnight.

Hello? Yeah.

I'd like to place an ad in your personal section.

Yeah.

Attractive, non-materialistic

British scholar-adventurer.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

- Good morning, kids. - Hey, Billy.

Did you get any replies to our ad?

What? Fantastic! I got dozens. Look.

Oh, see? Never underestimate the power of the big lie.

So which one are you gonna call?

This one looks really promising. Look at this.

"Southern belle who loves foreign travel

"Bloomsbury Set and Wilson Pickett.

College graduate. Warmth more important than wealth."

Apart from the Southern belle part, this sounds like me.

- So call her up. - Yeah. Call her.

I don't know. I-I don't know if it's such a good idea.

I mean, this is obviously a sophisticated classy woman.

She'll see right through me.

I mean, I'm nothing like the guy in the ad.

- Exactly. That's why it worked. - Just call her.

[indistinct chatter]

[instrumental music]

(woman on answering machine) 'Hi, it's me, but you know that, 'cause I'm not here.'

'Wait a second. There is someone at the door.'

'Uh. No. It wasn't me.'

'So please, leave a message and I'll call you back.'

'Thanks, bye.'

(Billy on answering machine) 'Hello, non-materialistic'

'British scholar-adventurer here'

'calling in response to your letter.'

Perhaps, we could arrange a bit of a rendezvous

say, Cafe Espresso, 7:30 tonight?

[instrumental music]

[sighs]

Bernadette, what a nice surprise.

Oh, well, I must be running along.

- Oh? - Yeah. Yeah.

I'm meeting a date and it's a little policy of mine

never to use my best lines in front of someone

I may have to use them on later.

I don't know how you do it.

I am surprised that you have the strength

to pick up the chalk in the mornings.

Oh, really? And I suppose you're meeting someone?

- Oh, yes. Yes. - Well, that does it.

Look, for both our sakes, I'll find another table.

You know, I don't think that there are any.

Well, maybe I can meet her outside, huh?

At the tattoo parlor? Tacky.

Besides, you'll lose your table.

Good point. Look, I just don't want you

to feel uncomfortable here when you look over and see

what you're missin' out on.

You know, I'm going to enjoy every oily word you ooze

at that poor, unsuspecting, innocent female.

The woman I'm meeting is neither poor, nor unsuspecting.

And when it comes to innocence, I'll see she gets a fair trial.

- I bet you will. - Hm.

So who are you meeting? The Prince of Wales?

How'd you know?

Hm..

[sighs]

[whistling]

I thought the fire drill today was extraordinary.

Yep.

That was one hell of a fire drill.

Oh, well, if you're not gonna talk

you might want to hear some air piano, huh?

[humming] I'm very good at it, you know?

I can do cross hands and everything.

[humming]

Air piano? Oh.

[humming]

Do you know, if you don't mind my saying

I don't think much of your date.

Well, you are not dating my date, are you?

Neither are you, apparently.

The man must be a bloody fool.

I mean, look at you. You're an incredible goddess.

Sitting in here, whiling the time away

in a sleazy coffee bar. He needs his head examined.

You're flattering me again and I don't buy it.

Well, let's go and eat someplace

and I'll tell you how ugly you are.

Well, I, no, I-I couldn't do that.

Although, it is 'cause it'd be kind of ridiculous, isn't it?

[laughs]

Look, maybe you could explain something to me.

How do you get to meet people in this city?

- What's wrong with her? - Oh.

Nice legs. Unfortunately, there seem to be four of them.

[chuckles]

Is it really a problem for you?

Yeah.

Well, what about those people from back home?

I mean, there must be lots of them here.

I'm sure there are.

I mean, this place is supposed to be

the big melting pot, isn't it?

But in this town, there's a little Italy

there's a little Tokyo, there's no little Scotland.

When I feel homesick, I have to go to Chinatown.

Why Chinatown?

It reminds me of the one in Glasgow.

I'm sorry.

I-it never occurred to me that you might be lonely here.

Well, I'm not so much lonely.

I just find it difficult to meet people.

Well, New York is a difficult city.

Difficult for me. Easy for you.

Easy?

Well, for a gorgeous creature like you

there must be hundreds of guys dying to meet you.

I guess that's what happened to my date.

Like to settle for a live one who shows up.

Have you ever considered taking an ad in the personals?

Me? Oh, no! No.

I couldn't. No. I wouldn't.

Forget it. Ha.

You know, the people that place those ads

they're flakes.

Oh. I'm-I'm sure some very, very nice people place ads.

Mind you, I'm sure the ones who answer them are a bit flaky.

Oh, I wouldn't say that at all. No, I wouldn't.

I disagree with you. I think..

I think some of them are seriously looking for a..

A real relationship, I guess.

[laughing]

I don't, I don't suppose you were here in response to one--

An ad? No. No. No. No. No.

[laughing]

No. Of course not. No.

- Are you here because-- - Oh, no way. No way.

The very thought.. Ha-ha-ha!

Have you ever read those things?

Oh. There are so funny, aren't they?

- Ooh! Yes, they are. - Oh, dear.

You know, the people try to make themselves

like, so good in their ads.

It's just like my mama always used to say to me.

She'd say, "Sugar, the rosier the words

the thornier the man."

I'm sorry?

Oh. It's, uh, it's an expression.

An old southern expression.

- Oh. Y-you're southern? - Yeah.

Well, I-I lived in the south, if that's what you mean.

- So.. - Okay.

- You're Southern belle. - Oh, my God.

Non-materialistic British adventurer-scholar.

Oh, my God!

[indistinct mumbling]

Utterly humiliating!

Scholar-adventurer

is not as humiliating as Southern belle.

Oh! Well, that's true.

What are we gonna do?

I don't.. You know, I think..

Uh, I think I-I can't stay here.

- I really can't. - Why?

Because I'm really embarrassed.

Yeah, well, it's embarrassing, but come on, it's funny.

It's not funny. Listen, um..

I would really appreciate this

if you didn't mention this to anybody.

Oh, the IHP will be desperate to know. Ha-ha-ha!

- You wouldn't. - Oh, they'll be dying for me--

- Oh, you couldn't. No. - Oh.

Listen, I think it'd be inappropriate

if you discuss this, I would tell you

it's against school policy, Billy.

Please, would you listen to me?

(Arvid) 'I don't know about this, guys.'

(Dennis) Okay. That's it. Everybody back up.

Let's give him some room. Give him some room.

Okay. Arvid, you're gonna be fine.

- Now, you feel good? - No.

Sarah, get his crash helmet on.

Okay, Arvid, this suit was especially designed

so that you can't get hurt.

Yeah, Arvid, we designed it with three inches

of concentrated polyurethane foam.

Yeah. And all the joints have been vacuum molded to fit you.

Okay, buddy, you're set.

Get ready to fall down the stairs, alright?

I'm gonna go ahead and make sure that Aristotle

is ready with the F-stop, he got everything..

[Dennis screaming]

[indistinct chatter]

[indistinct chatter]

Listen, I'm-I'm okay. I'm okay.

Aristotle broke my fall.

[instrumental music]

So how was your date last night, Billy?

- 'Yeah!' - Yeah!

Yeah, Billy, give us a full report.

Well, I don't know if I should tell you anything about her.

I've been kind of sworn to secrecy on it.

But what the heck? How can I describe her?

She was very beautiful, blond

intelligent and very sexy.

A bit like, mm, Kathleen Turner.

Wow! So, Billy, you think you'll see her again?

Oh! And again and again and again. Yes.

Oh, yes, Bernadette?

I, uh, have some papers for you to sign.

Oh, good.

While I'm looking at these

perhaps, you could, uh

attempt to answer this question.

Pierre and Marie Curie.

Will and Ariel Durant.

Elizabeth and Robert Dole.

Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton.

What do they all have in common?

[indistinct chatter]

They all met at work.

Of course. None of them worked at Fillmore.

Oh, I don't know, what about the shop teacher

and the lady with the hairnet who works in the cafeteria?

They've been married for 23 years.

Really?

No, but wouldn't it be great if they were?

I like her. Don't you?

[clamoring]

[theme music]