Original subtitles

[theme music]

- Morning, Billy. - Ah, Bernadette.

Hey, I was thinkin' of callin' you

from my lonely, over-priced bachelor apartment.

I still don't seem to have your phone number anyplace.

I.. You know, I don't think. I mean, we hardly--

Oh, I know we hardly, but don't you think

we shouldly, eventually?

Possibly, but not immediately.

Isn't she adorable?

I've always thought so.

[school bell ringing]

Good morning, geniuses!

(in unison) Good morning, Billy.

Oh, I was watchin' TV this mornin'.

On the news, it was all about this flu epidemic.

Really terrible.

Apparently, even the pigeons in Central Park have got it.

They showed a picture of an old lady

feedin' them throat lozenges.

And a guy came on, he was an older guy.

A doctor or somethin', and he said

the best remedy is plenty of fluids.

Now, that really confuses me

because when I've got the flu, fluids are the problem.

'Now, I don't understand.'

No, really, and I'm speakin' as an adult, or as near adult

as I'm ever gonna be.

But I don't understand the whole process.

I don't understand why my nose is like this.

It's like bad design as far as I'm concerned.

Surely, a nose should be the other way up.

It's badly designed. It's just upside down.

It should be the other way up to keep that stuff in.

But then, if you sneeze

you will have two partings in your hair, wouldn't you?

And of course, you would drown in the rain.

I never really thought of that.

But look, we're talkin' about the flu.

There are various kinds of flu.

There is Siberian flu, there's Hong Kong flu

and this may take you by surprise

there is Scottish flu, but it isn't contagious.

'Cause as you well know, Scotsmen give nothing away.

♪ Ta-ra-ra-ra-ra ♪♪

I made it. I'm here.

Congratulations.

Did-did you take attendance yet?

No, I was just about to.

- Everybody here? - Yeah.

Great. Well, I was gonna explain--

- Uh-uh, in the book, please. - Sorry?

Uh, I-I want it duly recorded that

Arvid Engen did attend school on this day.

Sure.

Engen, Engen, Engen, Engen. Ah, here we are.

Consider it duly recorded.

Thank you.

- Arvid! - Arvid, are you alright?

- Arvid. - Arvid.

Hey, Arvid, you okay?

I-I'm fine. Why?

Because you look like somethin' the cat dragged in.

Changed its mind and dragged back out again.

Came back in, threw up, went back out

dragged it further away, and died!

Oh-oh, that. Yeah. I-I've just got the flu.

[all gasp]

I-I can't even say it without, without..

(all) Oh, oh, oh!

What's the guy doin' here anyway?

I mean, if he stayed home for one day

the world wouldn't grind to a halt, would it?

Yeah, well, welcome to Arvid's world.

I'm tellin' you, the guy hasn't missed

one day of school since first grade.

Uh, excuse me, Billy.

Oh, you've changed your mind. Delightful.

So, what's your phone number?

I'm not gonna come in here anymore

if you're gonna tease me like this.

Well, let's go outside, then.

- I need your help. - Anything.

Well, it's this flu epidemic.

I'm not a doctor. I do play doctor, however.

Okay, I'm serious. Please.

Mr. Ogburn is flat on his back, and I haven't got anybody

to coach the kids for the Shakespeare competition.

- And you'd like me to do it. - Well..

I am deeply honored. Consider it done.

And I can assure you, I will be the very best coach ever

in the history of the Shakespeare competition.

- Just one thing. - What's that?

What is the Shakespeare competition?

Well, all the honors English classes from

the different schools do one scene each for this competition.

And it's judged by major critics. It's fabulous.

And this year, I finally managed to get them

to hold it here at Fillmore. So, will you do it?

"I wouldst rather mine eyes be plucked from my head

than deny thy lips' request."

That's beautiful, but that's not Shakespeare.

You're beautiful, and you're not Shakespeare.

Well, uh, auditorium, three o'clock?

Woo-hoo!

- 'Okay!' - 'What happened?'

Settle down.

Tell me, who's in the honors English class?

- Oh, we are. - Of course.

Honors history, honors English, honors chemistry.

And I'm standing in for Mr. Ogburn incidentally.

(in unison) Oh, good.

Arvid, why don't you call it a day?

I can't. If I say I'm here, I'm here.

- In your condition? - Oh, it's nothing.

Just a little, uh, pain in my joints, uh

runny nose, stomach ache, abdominal cramps, uh

swollen glands, dizziness, dry cough.

My teeth hurt, and I have a sinus headache.

Alas! Poor Arvid.

I knew him, Horatio.

Oh, and I've gotta do that stupid Shakespeare competition.

Arvid, he's takin' over the competition.

You don't like Shakespeare?

Oh, I'm sorry, sir, but I'm a math major.

I mean, when am I ever gonna go, "Hark!"

You just harked a minute ago.

[laughing]

Arvid, you don't need to come

to the Shakespeare rehearsal after school.

I'm excusing you.

Now, hey, my perfect attendance record means I attend

every class, every after-school function I sign up for.

- Give it up, bro. - Eh, I said I'm fine.

[coughing] You see.

Arvid, would you please stop breathing on me?

I'm not breathing on you. Am I, am-am I breathing on her?

No! You're breathin' on me.

Oh, what do you want me to do? Stop breathing?

(all) Yes!

[instrumental music]

Hey, hey, hey. Whoa, whoa, listen.

I like Shakespeare too.

But sayin' it in front of people

while wearing leotards and a feathered cap, no.

No, no, Eric, you've got it wrong.

Shakespeare needn't be like that.

When Shakespeare's done properly

it is absolutely fantastic, I assure you.

I mean, what's not to like?

It's got lust and passion.

Envy, jealousy, hate, war.

Murder, treason, treachery and lust. Oh!

You said lust twice already.

It's lust, the one emotion that unites all creatures.

Lust and passion.

And I'll tell you somethin' else.

We're gonna win this competition

because we're gonna bring Shakespeare to life.

Yes!

Oh, good. Then why don't I just lie down?

Oh!

Arvid, are you comfortable there?

I'm sure you must have a very good bed at home.

I shall not go hometh.

Okay. So, what were we doing?

Um, the final scene of "As You Like It."

- Yeah! - That's right.

Perfect, this is going to be brilliant.

- Who's who? - Duke Senior.

[indistinct chatter]

- Silvius! - Right.

So-so, who's my Orlando?

Oh, Lord..

"Good duke, receive thy daughter.

"Hymen from heaven brought her.

"That thou mightst join her hand with his

"whose heart within his bosom is.

To you I give myself, for I am yours."

"To you I give myself, for I am yours."

"If truth be in sight

you are my Rosalind."

Oh, God. I think I'm gonna be sick.

Get off of me, man.

Yeah, that's my boyfriend.

If you're breathin' on him, you're breathin' on me.

Let's go, baby.

[sneezes]

Hey, listen, shall we take a break here?

No, no. I'm fine.

I don't need any special treatment.

Let's just, uh, continue on, shall we?

Phoebe.

Uh..

"If sight and shape be true, why then my love.."

[sneezes]

Oh, Simone!

Oh, I don't feel so good.

- Simone. Great. - Oh.

Well, Arvid, your enthusiasm is certainly catching.

[instrumental music]

Good morning, geniuses!

(all) Morning, Billy.

What's wrong with this picture?

- Six more flu victims. - 'Hmm.'

Who's missing?

Uh, Phoebe, Jacques, Duke Senior, Audrey

William, Rosalind, oh, and of course

the Prince of Infection, Orlando.

Orlando, you mean, uh, Arvid stayed home after all that?

- 'Yeah.' - 'Yeah.'

Well, we have to do a different scene.

There's fewer people. Let me see who've we got.

Eric, Viki, Darlene.

Alex and Dennis.

[sneezes]

And Arvid.

Just make sure you put it in the..

[sneezes]

...attendance book.

Arvid, go home.

I-I-I-I can't believe I'm hearing this.

I mean, you're a teacher.

A man dedicated to encouraging young people to learn

and you're telling me not to come to school?

Yes.

[sneezes]

Never!

So, you miss a day, so what?

[scoffs]

Miss a day of school.

I have not missed a day of school

since the first day of the first grade.

That is a grand total of 2248 days.

I have gone to school through subway strikes

riots, floods. I..

I hitchhiked home from a family vacation

when they wanted to stay an extra day.

And let me tell you, it's not easy to leave the whole family

at the General Electric Science Fair

when everyone else gets to have a good time. No, sir!

I went to school with bad haircuts.

I went with acne pimples.

I went to school the morning I started shaving.

I had 50 little pieces of toilet paper

all over my face.

And I looked like a..

I looked like a badly-plucked chicken

but still, I went to school.

In junior high school, the mayor wanted

to give me an award for perfect attendance.

But I said, forget it. Why?

Because it would have meant missing a day of school.

No, I cannot stay home! I will not stay home!

Not after all I have been through.

[panting]

Arvid, son.

Nobody appreciates attendance more than I do.

Did I mention to you

that I wrote my dissertation on attendance?

Believe me, I'm hipped to that thrill

that you get when you say, "Here."

But there comes a time--

- Forget it. - What?

- You can't make me go home. - Huh?

He can't make me! My mother can't make me!

This thing is bigger than all of us.

I'm tellin' you to go home.

[laughs] Oh, no.

I have worked too hard, suffered too much

to let some two-bit principal tell me what to do

and ruin my record. I.. Uh, uh..

[sneezes]

"Two-bit principal?"

Why, you-you, you can't talk that way to me.

If I say something here, it goes. My words obeyed.

Now, if I see you here tomorrow, I'm going to..

I'm going to..

You see that? Nobody can stop me.

I will have the perfect attendance record.

[dramatic music]

[instrumental music]

Hi, how's the Shakespeare scene coming?

Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant!

I think you'll find it as you like it.

- Shakespearean humor. - It's very cute.

Uh, Mr. MacGregor, uh, Billy, uh..

I've given the matter a lot of thought

and I've concluded there is really no reason

why you shouldn't have my phone number.

I mean, after all, we are working

on the Shakespeare competition.

And you might need it for work.

In the event of an emergency.

How very mature.

And what exactly is an emergency as far as you're concerned?

Perhaps, if I fell off my bicycle, broke my leg maybe.

- Yes, that's an emergency. - Hm.

And if, of course, if I caught this flu thing.

- That? - Yes. That's an emergency.

Yeah.

And then, of course, if I was a wee-bit randy.

Can I take that as a maybe, huh?

[school bell ringing]

Good morning, geniuses!

- Morning. - Good morning.

What, there are of ya.

Eric, why don't you join the rest?

Will take the bad look off this place.

We'll pretend we have a class, huh?

[coughing]

I just came in to check things out.

I'm going right back home.

How's the Shakespeare competition going?

Fine, fine.

Y-y-you're down to four people.

Maybe you ought to call this thing off.

No, no, we can do the scene with only four people in it.

We're gonna win this thing.

[coughing]

It's a good thing Arvid stayed home.

Day 2249. Put it in the book.

That's it. I'm takin' you to the hospital--

Actually, actually, I've much fewer symptoms today.

I'm down to loss of equilibrium, and diarrhea.

- Oh. - Alright!

I'm down to four students and a walking cadaver.

Yes, but I'm here. Put it in the book.

Oh! Put it in the book. Put it in the book.

Arvid's big achievement. Put it.. I'll tell you what.

I'll put it in the front of the book.

What do you want, Arvid?

The Nobel Prize for attendance?

Or maybe, maybe, they'll give you an Academy award.

I'd like to accept this award on behalf of the little people

who helped me to achieve it.

The bus driver, the crossing guard.

Oh, yes, and my alarm clock. Or maybe..

Maybe they'll name a national holiday after you.

"Arvid Engen Day."

'Only, instead of givin' the people a day off'

they'll have to turn up at work.

What is this perfect attendance thing anyway?

It's not so impressive.

Everybody in prison has perfect attendance.

Everybody in Forest Lawn

has perfect attendance.

"And God made the earth

"and the heavens in six days.

And on the seventh, he rested."

But Arvid Engen showed up!

In the book.

(Billy) 'Come settle.'

[indistinct chatter]

Alex, you're Macbeth. Eric, Banquo, okay?

Banquo? That's a big part.

Would you want to be a witch?

Okay, okay. I'll be Banquo.

Who's the third witch?

(Billy) You are.

Oh, incidentally, I borrowed some chicken soup

from the cafeteria, it'll have to double

as witch's brew for now.

Witch's brew would have been better, believe me.

Okay, ladies.

"Round about the cauldron go

"in the poison'd entrails throw.

"Swelter'd venom sleeping got

boil thou first in the charmed pot."

[cackles]

Stop, Arvid. Don't drink from that.

Oh, no, it's okay. I drank from it earlier.

[spits]

[instrumental music]

Hey, listen. Arvid, I've been thinkin'.

T-this whole Shakespeare thing, it was okay

when I was one of 12 people, and I

I could just sorta hang in the back

and you'll nave and varlet and stuff like that.

But-but now, it's just me and you and Alex and Viki

out there in front of all those people.

It's scary.

Why are you talkin' to me like this?

You mean like sharing feelings?

I mean, like sharing airspace.

I mean, like someone who doesn't care if they get the flu.

That's my point. I want you to make me sick.

I can't. Eric, we need you.

You know, I'm not so crazy about Shakespeare either, but..

I mean, I-I'm committed to this thing

and I'm going through with it.

Arvid, just breathe in my face.

[exhales]

Thank you.

You're welcome.

[instrumental music]

"Here's to my love.

"O true apothecary!

"Thy drugs are quick.

"Thus..

"...with a kiss..

...I die."

You know, I am startin' to feel a little better.

I don't care, Arvid.

Stay dead till Viki does her lines.

We're on a winner here.

Okay, b-b-but seriously, I mean, check my eyes.

I think they're startin' to clear up.

He's right, his eyes look a lot better.

Yeah.

[coughing]

I still have the cough.

[coughing]

[instrumental music]

[school bell ringing]

Morning, genius!

Morning, Billy!

I'm feeling a whole lot better.

I'm thrilled, Arvid.

Shakespeare competition's tonight.

You're the only one here. You must be very happy.

Yes, sir, I am proud to know

that I am the one who toughed it out.

Of course, you've made several people gravely ill.

I mean, I feel terrible about that.

But I mean, it's something I had to do.

We're talkin' about 12 years of dedication

as opposed to one week of Shakespeare.

I mean, of course, I am sorry

I ruined that whole Shakespeare thing.

Oh, you didn't ruin it, you inherited it.

Oh, you're about to do it.

On your own.

W-w-what? I can't.

And I can't get up on stage and say all those things.

I-I-I'll be awful, I mean, Sarah and Simone and Darlene

they love Shakespeare, they're great.

I don't even understand him.

But he understands you.

And when you understand that, you'll understand him.

Understand?

No.

Well, look at you.

You're ruthless, ambitious, determined.

I was, wasn't I?

S-so was Macbeth.

He was absolutely determined to become King of Scotland

that he squashed anyone who got in his road.

Mind you, he didn't give them the flu.

- I said I was sorry. - So did Macbeth.

Maybe you're Hamlet.

- I am? - You will be.

Read this.

Yeah?

Out loud, Arvid.

- "To be--" - Right. To be.

To be perfect. To have perfect attendance.

Or anything else that means the whole world to you. Read.

"Or not to be--"

Or not to have perfect attendance.

And feel the desperate emptiness of failure.

"Whether it would be nobler in the mind

to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune--"

In other words, stay home.

"Or to take arms against a sea of troubles

and by opposing, end them."

To pursue your perfect attendance record

even if it means all your friends gettin' sick.

Well, you're right. That's me exactly.

[instrumental music]

Yes, yes.

"Thus..

"...conscience does make cowards of us all.

"And thus the native hue of resolution

"is sicklied o'er with a pale cast of thought.

"And enterprises of great pith and moment.

"With this regard, their currents turn awry.

And lose the name of action."

Ha. Yes, yes, yes.

Excuse me, Bill. Um, um.. Mr. Billy.

I'm gettin' to her. She's losin' her mind.

It's about the Shakespeare competition.

We are gonna knock their socks off.

And, listen, I was thinkin'

why don't we go together? As colleagues, of course.

I'm afraid, there's not gonna be anything to go to.

I just got off the phone with one of the other high schools

and they've all been hit really hard with this flu.

So, the whole thing's been postponed.

I'm sorry, Arvid. I-I'm as disappointed as you are.

Not necessarily.

Maybe we could go dancin' some place, as colleagues, of course.

Of course, on the day that Arvid doesn't show up.

Arvid, you really were good.

I'm only sorry no one's gonna get a chance to see it.

Well, that's okay.

Hey, look on the bright side.

It's day 2252 and I am still here.

Whoo!

- Well? - What?

- In the book. - The book.

Here.

[Billy coughing]

Arvid, I.. Before.. Oh, excuse me.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[music continues]