Original subtitles

[theme music]

- Mm-mm-mm. - Mm-mm.

You know, it's nice to see the flag displayed in a way

that makes me proud to be an American.

Yeah, you know, personally, I don't believe

in burning the flag

but I don't mind Viki

warming it up a little bit.

Morning, Bernadette.

Did you know, all my life

I wanted to come to Manhattan?

Broadway, Central Park

the Empire State Building, museums

the spectacular profanity of taxi drivers.

But it isn't only the cabbies around here

who've got an attitude, you know?

Boy, I stopped at a newsstand this mornin'.

I was gonna get a magazine.

Well, you don't just rush up and grab a magazine.

You have a little browse.

The guy looks out his wee window, he says

"Hey, this isn't a beep library

you beep, beep."

You know what, I went in to a toy shop to buy a doll

for my little niece in Scotland.

I saw a lovely one, little freckly face

a button nose, pigtails.

Lovely wee face, and a wee bit of string up.

I pulled the string, the dolly said

"Hey, pull your own string, you beep, beep, beep!"

Hey, Arvid, how's it goin'?

Oh, not so good, Viki.

I can't find anybody to go

to the Mensa teen dance with me, Friday.

Mm. Mensa? Those are the people with the high IQs, right?

- Yeah. - Well, my IQ is over a 140.

- Oh, really? - Mm-hmm.

Oh, you'd be great.

Anyway, I can't find anybody to go with me, as usual.

And, yeah, much less, anyone who would enjoy hanging out

with those people.

Well, Arvid, what about me?

What about you?

I'd like to go.

- Uh, yeah? - Yes.

[stammering] Uh-uh, we.. Uh, uh, sure.

I mean, that-that'd be great.

- Um, 7 o'clock? - Great.

Oh, what'll the other girls be wearing?

Uh, I don't know, uh..

- Glasses. - Arvid, you're so funny.

This town is so expensive.

Just to exist here, I'm gonna have to get a second job.

I'm fine. Thank you.

Oh, I'm sorry, Bernadette.

You know, I just went on a bit there.

I get kind of carried away, you know?

Look, do you think you could put me on the list

for one of those tutoring jobs?

Because, look, I-I'd love to afford

those wee luxuries in life

like paying the rent and eating. You know what I mean?

Okay, but don't get your hopes up, Billy

because the tutoring jobs are given out

on the basis of seniority.

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

What am I gonna do?

How about bartending?

I mean, some of the teachers moonlight as bartenders.

They say the money's very good.

Look, I've done that at home.

It's really easy there.

The people come in, they want

a pint or a half pint

or a whiskey or something.

But here, the drinks have got such strange names.

I'd never get it straight.

You know, a blue lady and a pink lady

and a purple this and a green the other.

Yes, screwdrivers and boilermakers.

There's even one made from a coffee liquor

called an Orgasm.

- Really? - Hm.

I know I've never had one.

- The drink. - Of course. Of course.

[instrumental music]

- Morning! - Good morning.

You guys, is it true? Arvid went on a date with Viki?

- Yes. - 'Yeah.'

And I bet she's learned her lesson.

She had a chance to go out with me.

- Or me. - Mm-hmm.

Instead, she wound up with Arvid

'the chic of geek.'

Now she's too embarrassed to face me.

- Or me. - You two are so wonderful.

Have you ever thought of going out with each other?

[laughing]

And anyway, how do you know they're not having a great time?

Maybe they're still on the date.

Maybe they've run away to be married.

Maybe even as we speak, they're in Las Vegas

saying, "I do" to an Elvis impersonator.

Maybe they've just checked in to the honeymoon suite

of the Arabian Nights Westward whole white

kinky lodge motel, right?

Viki's in the room trying on the trousseau.

Arvid slipping a quarter into the magic finger's bed.

Hits the jackpot and they're both being tickled to death.

Or maybe they've just walked into the room

as if nothing ever happened.

[indistinct whispering]

- Oh, okay. I guess. - Thanks.

[instrumental music]

I had so much fun this weekend, Arvid.

Oh, I forgot. There's a veal demonstration tonight.

- Do you wanna come? - Oh, sure. I love veal.

No. Arvid, it's not that kind of demonstration.

It's one to convince people not to eat veal.

Oh. Uh, oh, I can't make it.

I-I've got a biology project due

and I've got fungi propagating.

I-I mean, in class, not on me.

[laughing]

Anyway, if there's ever a protest against, um

oh, diced carrots, let me know.

- Arvid, you are so cute. - Yeah.

Well, you know, my mother always told me I was a good catch.

I think that was because I always make my own bed.

Oh, come on, Arvid, don't you wanna help save

a poor little defenseless baby cow

from a cruel and horrific death? It'll be fun!

- Well, if you put it that way. - Okay.

- Bye. - Bye.

Hey, Arvid, you're an inspiration

to social misfits everywhere.

Thanks.

Can you give me any hints on how to get a girl to go out with me?

Uh, sure. Just, um, go for it.

- Go for what? - It.

- What does that mean? - I don't know.

Well, I didn't pay much attention to Viki.

And, uh, uh, I just kind of played it cool

and before I knew it, she asked me out.

Right.

Uh..

- Hi, Sarah. - Oh, hi.

Um, t-there's a great movie playing at the Metropolitan.

"Cinema Paradiso." It's great. I think you'll really like it.

- Oh? - Yeah, you should go.

- Okay, maybe I will. - Okay.

Do you think I came on too strong?

Hey, Arvid, I just wanna make sure you're coming over tonight

to work on our bacteria cultures.

Oh. Uh, Dennis, I'm-I'm sorry, I made other plans.

Fine, fine, you wanna waste time playing around with Viki

when we could be doing something important

like scraping our cheese molds

fine, Arvid.

But just remember this.

Any girl that would go out with you will go out with me.

[laughs] Uh, wait a minute.

Are you saying that I'm going out with a girl

that would go out with you?

[chuckles] No. No, no, no. No, no.

I'm saying you're going out with a girl

who would go out with you.

Oh, Dennis, you're cruel.

[instrumental music]

Mr. MacGregor, I hear

you're having housing problems.

That's right, Dr. Samuels.

Then I've got two words for you.

New Jersey.

But I really want to live in Manhattan.

Then I've got two more words for you.

Good luck.

Oh, Billy, uh, I know of a second job for you.

- But it's-- - Oh, great, I'll take it.

Well, wait a second. Don't you wanna know what it is?

I don't care what it is. I'll take it.

I don't care how hard, dangerous, disgusting it is.

I will take it. What is it?

Taking care of toddlers at a day-care center.

What else you got?

[instrumental music]

We've been out three times already and he still

hasn't tried to kiss or grab me.

- Wow! - He must really like me.

- 'Good morning, Billy.' - Hi, girls.

Hey, Billy, how's your new day-care center job?

Oh, it's great! I love New York kids.

Four years old and already they know how to say

"Hey, bug off! I saw that taxi first."

So what are you talking about?

(all) Boys.

Oh, don't let me interrupt.

Carry on, girls.

W-well, you know, Arvid sounds wonderful.

If Eric was just a little bit more like him

I bet we'd still be together.

Oh, I don't know about that, Simone.

I have always liked Eric. I think he's a nice..

- Sorry. I'm interrupting, eh? - That's okay.

You know, he used to be

but lately he's been coming on

like he's God's gift to women.

- Yeah. - Yes. Yeah.

I wonder how much time he spends combing his hair

to make it look like he doesn't spend any time combing his hair.

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, at the risk of interrupting, if you're into good-lookin'

I think Alan's a very good-looking guy, don't you?

Oh, yeah, he's cute.

(girls) But boring.

As soon as he opens his mouth, it's like turning on C-SPAN.

[laughs]

At least he's not like Alex.

Every time he looks at me, I feel like

he's undressing me with his eyes.

He makes me feel like I'm wearing venetian blinds.

Oh, come on, they can't all be like that. What about Aristotle?

You know, he's alright 'cause he treats me with respect.

- There you go. - Ahem. More than respect.

- Fear. - 'Oh, dear.'

What about Jasper? He's a nice guy.

Why doesn't one of you go out with him?

- Oh, 'cause he never asks. - Yeah.

- Well, Dennis, then. - Oh, no!

Oh, that's brutal. Maybe that's the problem.

You're not giving the guys a chance.

- Oh. - Forget it, Billy.

- They're hopeless. - 'Yeah.'

I don't believe that.

- It's true. - Well, except for Arvid.

He's perfect.

Oh, excuse me.

- Hi, Billy. - Hi, Alex.

- Hey, Billy. - Hi, girls.

Looking good.

- What's with them? - Hey.

You know, they get nervous around me.

- Oh. - Oh..

Do you see what we mean, Billy?

Well, they're less than perfect, okay?

- Uh, hi, Sarah. - Oh, hi.

Uh, did you like "Cinema Paradiso?"

Oh, well, I couldn't find anybody to go see it with me.

Oh, uh, well, I'm sure it'll be out on video tape soon.

Hey, Alan, you look really good today.

Yeah, Alan, you look really cute.

- Yeah. - Well, I should hope so.

This is a $120 sweater.

Oh, Alan, that was truly appalling.

Now, listen, listen, before we go any further

I've got an announcement to make.

I wanna see all the boys tonight

in my day-care center, 6 o'clock, okay?

- Why? - Why?

We're gonna have a little talk

about male-female relations

a subject that you're flunking really miserably

apart from Arvid, who seems to be doing okay.

Uh, actually, why-why don't I join you anyway in kibitz?

Ah, that's okay, Arvid, don't..

Uh, I-I-I insist.

- 'Really? Why?' - Uh..

Ick bay uble tray with icky way.

[instrumental music]

[chuckling]

- Hey. - Look at this place.

I feel like an idiot.

What's wrong with it? It looks just like my room.

I haven't cleaned it up since I was three.

Hi, guys, welcome to Mother Hubbard's

Progressive Day-Care Center

where the yuppies park the puppies.

I'm just tidying up here. Do make yourself at home.

Have some animal crackers, some juice--

No, no, no, thanks. Listen.

Well, can we just get this over with?

Oh, someone's very cranky.

I think we need a nap. Hm?

Billy, what do, what do I do with this?

Oh, Lord. Eh, get some paper towels.

- Jasper, and wipe it up. - Ugh.

H-how can you stand to work in this place, huh?

Oh, it's great.

They're only children and they're brilliant.

Children are anarchists.

They're irrational, they don't do anything.

I didn't know this until I came here.

But when you watch them, they do weird things, children.

They'll run into your room and they'll sit down

stand up and run back out.

And you say, "Why did you do that?"

And you get a really profound answer, like

"Ah, ah, ah, ah.."

And they have the most complex system of hand signals.

I thought I knew it before I came here

but I was completely wrong.

When a child does this, it never means

"Please, can I go to the bathroom?"

But it often means

"I just went to the bathroom."

And it's so different from my childhood in Scotland.

I spent a lot of my life like this when I was a child

mainly going shoppin' with my mother, like that.

Well, actually, I spent the time walking like this

because my mother had sewed my gloves together

with a piece of string, but it wasn't..

But it was never the right length

because she sewed it to fit the coat

but not with me in it.

So when I put my hand up like that

the other hand shot up like this.

It went like this.

They took me to see my grandmother and she said

"Give me a hug, son," and I went like that.

But the children here are so different and I love them.

And when they leave, the place looks like it's been attacked

by garden snails, those little s-sticky trails that go..

- Whoa. - But enough of little babies.

Let's talk about big babies.

Oh, look, look, look, it's Boo-Boo.

I had one of these when I was little.

Oh, do you miss me? Yes, you did.

T-this is ridiculous, I mean

I don't even know what we're doing here.

We are here because all of you

with the exception of Arvid

seems to have been having trouble with women.

- I, well, actually-- - Wait.

Since when did Arvid become the yardstick

that we measure ourselves against?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Well, since he started going out

with Viki, that's when.

Right, it seems to me

that you're all very upset

that Arvid's going out with Viki. Why is this?

I mean, how is it he gets to date a girl

I can only dream about, huh?

Now, wait a minute, am I the only guy in this class

who hasn't rushed Viki?

- Uh, well, actually-- - Arvid, please.

You're not the one here with the problem, alright?

Aristotle, you've got a girlfriend.

Hey, T.J.'s not a girlfriend, she's a sparring partner.

Just because I let her push me around a little bit

I'm supposed to be a wimp?

So what about you, Alan? What are you doing here?

I thought it was for extra credit.

Okay, for extra credit, what's your problem?

Well, actually, I don't have that much trouble

getting girls to go out with me.

It's, uh, getting them to go out with me again

that's not working.

Well, he is doing better than I am.

I'm 17 years old and I've never had a date.

Well, why don't you just ask somebody for a date?

I've tried. I can't do it.

Tsk. You can't do it?

- Arvid, give me the teddy. - Oh, uh..

Arvid, I'm gonna show Jasper something. Let me see the teddy.

Let me see Boo-Boo. Arvid, enough.

Jasper, now t-this is Boo-Boo, okay?

Pretend Boo-Boo's a girl, right?

Now I want you to ask her out, right?

Uh..

- Oh, I-I can't do it. - Of course you can do it.

You're not gonna be rejected by a teddy bear.

Boo-Boo..

...uh, would

would you like to go out with me?

I can't believe I'm watching this.

Y-y-yeah. Can I talk about my problem now?

Arvid, will you sit down and shut up, please?

Billy, I-I'll tell you, I have done everything I can think of

to go out with girls like Arvid gets, you know?

I-I've been macho, yet sensitive.

I-I've been funny, yet deep.

- I've been cool, yet caring. - So what's the problem?

Well, they find me amusing, yet repulsive.

But, look, what are we, so what are we supposed to do?

I mean, I've got the best moves in the whole school

and nothing's happenin'.

- Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. - Wha--

"Nothing's happenin'?"

"Nothing's happenin'?" You told me you were turnin' 'em away.

Well, lot more of them are turning me away.

I thought you knew what you were doing.

I went from being a warm, sensitive human being

to Mr. Macho Man 'cause I thought it was working for you.

Alex and Eric, strike-out kings.

So we're all agreed, women are impossible, right?

- Yeah. - Yes, right.

Right, let's get out of here now

we'll join a monastery and we'll make cinnamon-scented candles

out of beeswax, right?

Now, wait a minute, man, come on.

(Billy) 'Well, that's your choice. That's your choice.'

You can't live with them, so live without them.

Alright, Billy, we-we get the point.

Now, Arvid, he understands women.

Uh, yes, which, uh, brings me to my problem--

If you'll just give me a minute, Arvid.

Arvid understands that women are more sensitive

and interesting than we are.

And so he understands all the delicate little nuances

and women appreciate that, and in return, they respond.

You would do very well to watch what he does.

I-I don't do anything.

Come on, Arvid, Viki's crazy about you.

You must have done something.

- Yeah, what'd you do? - What'd you do?

Well, I-I-I just, I happened to mention to her that

I needed someone smart to go to the Mensa teen dance with me.

Well, there you go. You didn't talk down to her.

Women really love that.

W-we talked about a lot of things.

- Like what? - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Well, uh, everything.

We-we.. She wanted to talk, so we talked.

There you are, women really appreciate a man who can

hold a conversation. What's so irrational about that?

We talk about our problems, our fears

our-our hopes, our-our dreams.

Shared intimacies. Killer stuff.

And, oh, and Saturday, she came over to my house

and, uh, we played chess.

Uh, she beat me.

- She beat you? - Wait a minute.

This could be the clincher.

When she beat you, what did you say?

What could I say? She beat me. I said congratulations.

Yes! Lovely! Do you notice that?

He didn't say, "Boy, you beat me. I must have had an off day."

He said, "You beat me, Viki, you're a very good player."

Now, no wonder the girl's nuts about him.

He treats her like a human being, right?

Not like some kind of boy-toy or wallpaper

or something to be afraid of.

Wow!

You know

I gotta hand it to you, Arvid.

Whatever you're doin', it works.

So you and Viki, huh?

It's weird, but congratulations.

- Thanks. - 'Way to go, Arvid.'

Unfortunately, I'm dumping her tomorrow.

- 'What?' - Why?

Well, it feels great to be with her.

I-it, I-I, I may get a lot of attention.

I mean, you guys are all jealous, ha-ha.

It's good for my ego.

But to tell you the truth

there's just no, uh, magic.

It's unfair to her.

I've changed my mind about you, Arvid.

I think you do have a problem.

Him? What about you?

Yeah, Billy, what's your problem?

- I don't have a problem. - No?

When was the last time you went out with Ms. Meara?

Oh, come on, that's completely different.

As I told you, uh, it's a completely different..

[indistinct chatter]

So what you're saying is I sometimes

push you around too much?

- Yeah, I am. - Then why do you let me?

Well, I figure you only do that when you feel small

and you want me to feel small with you.

But one of these days when I think you're abusing

the privilege, I'm gonna tell you to stop, T.J.

You're gonna tell me to stop?

Now, why would you risk doing a thing like that?

Because I like you, and if you push me too far, I'm outta here.

We don't want that to happen, now, do we?

- No. - Alright.

That's sweet.

Hey, how'd it go with Viki?

- Oh, I haven't told her-- - Arvid.

I missed you last night.

- Did you miss me? - Oh, let's sit down.

[clears throat] Um, ahem..

- Viki, we need to talk. - I know.

One night away from each other

and we have so much to catch up on.

This is great, I have a best friend

and a boyfriend all in one.

You listen to me, you care about my feelings--

I wanna break up with you.

What?

I just don't have

those kind of feelings for you.

You're dumping me?

I-I know, I know.

I mean, the best-looking girl in the school falls for me

and I don't fall back.

Arvid, I've never been dumped before.

I'm really sorry, hey..

I know what it feels like to be rejected.

Tell me about it.

Okay.

It's just this overwhelming feeling

of, uh, nausea.

Like, like, like the-the world's gonna end

and it would feel okay 'cause it's gotta be better than this.

A-Arvid, i-it's really not that bad. I'll be okay.

Uh, what are you gonna do without me?

Arvid, I had a life before, you know?

I'll be okay, really.

Oh, you're such a brave little soldier.

Uh, it's okay. I'll take care of him.

We've been through a lot of tough times together.

Come on, Arvid, you can come over to my house after school.

- We'll play "Star Trek." - Oh.

Do I have to be Sulu again?

No, you can be anyone you want.

- Uh, hi. - Oh, hi.

Uh, w-would you like to go to a movie with me?

I think "Cinema Paradiso" is still playing.

Oh, well, actually, you recommended it so highly

I went to see it.

- Oh. - Uh, but..

I liked it so much, I think I'd like to see it again.

Oh, great! I'll see you Friday night then, Boo-Boo.

"Boo-Boo?"

Viki!

Viki, look, I wanted to apologize

for the way I've been treating you lately.

- Oh, well, thank you. - You know..

And I wanted to show you, you know

that I'm not such a bad guy.

Alex, you're doing it again, undressing me with your eyes.

Viki, you're right, but because I respect your mind

I'm stopping at your underwear.

What?

Ah, Bernadette, look.

Thanks for that job. I really like it. I do.

And I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart.

It's fantastic.

Well, you're very, very welcome.

Yeah.

I'm gonna get on back to work.

Psst.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]