Original subtitles

[theme music]

[indistinct chatter]

Morning, Mr. Moore..

What is wrong with me?

When am I gonna get it through my head that he's gone?

Get used to it, Dennis. The man took a hike.

[scoffs] Simone, isn't that a little much?

He's not dead. He just got an acting job.

I guess you don't wanna hear my poem then, huh?

[all groaning]

- Hey, guys, what's up? - You don't know?

- Know what? - Jasper was absent on Friday.

Mr. Moore is history.

- I know that. - Oh, no, Jasper.

You don't understand. Mr. Moore is not coming back. Ever.

Yeah. He's quit teaching.

He's starring in a low-budget musical.

"Seven Brides For One Brother."

Stop it, Eric. Jasper, it's true.

He got the lead in the road company

of "Death Of A Salesman."

Yeah, Mr. Moore told us about it Friday, after class.

He wrote each of us a letter.

- I kept yours for you. - Thanks.

Mr. Moore had such a beautiful soul.

He wrote something special for each one of us.

- 'Mm-hmm.' - Oh, special.

He told me not to get discouraged about my love life.

What's so special about that? I had more dates than he did.

Yeah, but he knew what to do with his.

[all laughing]

(Aristotle) 'That's pretty cool now..'

Aw, this is nice.

"Jasper, it was a pleasure and a challenge to be your teacher.

"And like the rest of the kids in the IHP

"you were also my teacher.

Best wishes."

Oh, yeah, yeah. See? A-a pleasure and a challenge.

I bet it took him all of ten seconds to think that one up.

Hey, come on, Arvid, your little put downs at Mr. Moore

are starting to bug me, now, the man wanted to take a shot

at an acting career, and I wish him well.

Yeah, so what did he say to you, Dennis?

Well, he said a few things.

Like...good riddance?

[bell rings]

[clattering]

Is this room 19, IHP?

- Yes. - Yeah.

I'm Billy MacGregor.

I'm your new teacher!

[instrumental music]

Yeah, the people in this town

really know how to steal, don't they?

The two filthy buggers who ripped off my wheels

were absolutely brilliant at it.

I was in a hotdog stand havin' my breakfast.

A guy came up and said, "Could I have any spare change?"

I mean, spare change? I'm Scottish!

There's no such thing as spare change.

So, I'm just explainin' it to the guy.

His friend comes around behind me and steals my wheels.

Sickening, but brilliant!

No, wait, wait, wait, you're saying

you don't believe in spare change?

- No. - Ha-ha-ha!

We're off to a shaky start.

Hold on, wait a minute, Dr. Samuels

said you went to Oxford.

I did go to Oxford.

So how come you don't have one of those

phony English accents?

Ah, I do have a phony English accent.

Would you like to hear it?

- Ha-ha. - Yeah.

Oh, there you are! Ha-ha!

Mr. MacGregor!

Dr. Samuels, I presume.

Absolutely charmed, old chap.

MacGregor's the name. William C. MacGregor.

B-A-M-A-L-F-W.

- L-F-W? - Yes, late for work.

Bit of bother with the old bicycle, sir.

- Dreadfully sorry. - I see.

Let me extend you a warm welcome, sir.

I know my honors history class is in good hands.

Carry on!

Great phony English accent, sir.

- Thank you. - Mr. MacGregor?

Oh, Billy. Call me Billy.

- Billy? - 'Yeah.'

Everybody, let me hear ya.

(all) Billy!

And now your names, please?

Okay, got it. Darlene, what were you saying?

On behalf of the class, I'd like to welcome you

and say that we're really looking forward

to working with you.

That's lovely, you look like

an interesting bunch to me.

Oh, I love New York people. Such energy!

Yeah, well, sorry you met the wrong

kind of people on your first day.

Hey, gimme their description and maybe

I can get your wheels back.

[scoffs]

T.J. will get your wheels back, alright

and a written apology.

I would hate for you to think this town is too scary.

Oh, it's scary. But it's great, isn't it?

So, what do we do now?

- Uh, take attendance? - Sure.

- Everybody here? - Everybody's here.

Great. What's next?

You know what? I-I like his attitude.

Y-you know, we're gonna get along just fine.

Excuse me, Mr. MacGregor?

Billy. Call me Billy.

- Come in, come in, come in. - Thank you.

I'm Bernadette Meara.

I'm your vice principal.

I don't suppose you'd care to be

my principal vice, would ya?

[all gasping]

Hi-yo!

Um.. Mr. MacGregor..

...this is, uh, your package from Dr. Samuels.

It has you W4, your S2.

The board of education regulations, your pension plan.

Your medical plan, your dental plan, your attendance book

and your lunch room assignment schedule.

Thank you, you seem to have everything here.

Everything except your phone number.

Why my phone number?

Why? Do you have a mirror?

You are stunning, that's why.

You are fantastic.

Oh!

Well, uh..

I, uh, I got, you know..

Got a lotta stuff to do.

[thud]

Isn't she great?

Anyway, I'm your new history teacher.

And I'm from Scotland.

I suppose you all know where Scotland is.

- Yeah, I've been there. - Did you enjoy it?

No, I didn't really like it. It rained.

Of course it rained. That's what Scotland does.

It rains on people.

If you wanna go somewhere it never rains, go to Libya.

[laughs]

"Go to Libya!"

Uh, excuse me, but I don't really think this is very fair.

- Well, what isn't fair? - Well..

I just don't see the sense in a guy comin' all the way here

from Scotland to teach us about history.

Especially, American history.

Okay, why don't you teach me American history?

For instance, we could start, maybe somebody could tell me

who was Uncle Sam?

He is a character in stripped pants

a top hat and a white beard

that personifies the United States.

But who was he?

Where did he come from?

I'll give you a little hint.

♪ Dee dee deedle deedle ♪

♪ Dee dee deedle deedle ♪♪

- Libya! - Exactly.

He was one of the first kilted Libyans.

Samuel Wilson, supplier of meat

to the US Army during the war of 1812.

And of course, American history is littered

with amazing Americans of Scottish ancestry.

Isn't it, Billy? Of course it is.

Name several. Certainly.

'Thomas Edison, Edgar Allan Poe'

Ulysses S. Grant, Patrick Henry

Andrew Jackson, not to mention

the Average White Band and Rod Stewart.

Oh, that's wonderful! Why.. He showed you, Dennis.

You showed him.

So, where did you leave off

with this other, a Mister..

Moore, Charles Moore.

Finest history teacher ever to sit at that desk.

Piffle.

We were studying the recent changes in Eastern Europe.

Ah! Eastern Europe.

Well, the thing about Eastern Europe is..

For 45 years, take Poland for instance..

...under the heel of Russia..

Russian tanks, Russian army

Russian secret service everywhere, people want freedom.

But they don't know what freedom is.

But what they think it is, is cabbage soup sucks.

Right, so then all of the sudden, there's demonstrations

going down the street, very ordinary people

lead by a shipyard electrician.

"We want freedom! We want freedom!

"No more cabbage soup! No more beetroot!

We want freedom! We want freedom!"

They say, "Sure, here's the keys.

Freedom's yours." They go, "What?"

And it spreads like a rash throughout Europe.

Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania, Czechoslovakia, Romania

and eventually gets to East Germany.

"Freedom! Freedom!"

They say, "Sure, have a hammer. Knock the wall down."

Bang! The wall falls down.

And all the East Germans run through.

"Hurray!" It was like a tidal wave of bad denim.

The West Germans said, "Welcome! Welcome! Wel.."

They ran straight past them and into the stores.

Bought new jeans, Sony Walkman

and ran back through the hole in the wall.

The West Germans said, "Where are you goin'?"

They said, "I'm goin' home, I live here."

They said, "What about freedom?" They said, "I've got it, man."

[laughing]

Strange things started to happen.

Kurt Waldheim's memory came back.

"Ah, yes. I remember what I was doing in 1942.

I didn't remember till I put the boots and the hat on."

[laughing]

[mimicking marching troops]

Ah! Dr. Samuels, how pleasant to see you.

Can I help you?

Pardon the interruption.

But, uh, this was left for me, uh..

It's a letter from, uh, Mr. Moore to his replacement.

- That's you. - Thank you.

Well..

No reply, you may go.

Well, uh, okay, uh..

Carry on.

[instrumental music]

We were talking about the Berlin Wall.

In my bag I have..

...a piece of it.

- 'Wow!' - 'Whoa!'

- Alright! - Check it out!

This used to represent communism.

Now, it represents capitalism.

Alright, hold it right there.

How does the Berlin Wall represent capitalism?

I'm sellin' it for 50 bucks.

I would like you to read Timothy Garton Ash's essays.

And give me five hundred words on the subject

by the end of the week, please.

[bell ringing]

And tomorrow, we'll discuss how to get rid of that bloody bell.

- What's your problem? - What?

Mr. Moore's chair's not even cold yet

and you're sucking up to this, this interloper

like there's no tomorrow.

You know, Dennis, what's your problem?

We finally get a teacher who's perfect for you.

He shows up late, doesn't take attendance

wants us to call him Billy.

And he's fun. What more do you want?

Yeah, you're right, Arv, I haven't been

too friendly so far.

I'll take care of that.

- Just a minute. - Good.

- Dennis? - Just relax.

You know, Billy, if you really wanna get down sometime

we-we could take in the planetarium.

I'm a member.

I thought you might be.

We'll talk.

Uh, hey, listen, about those bicycle wheels.

I think I know where you can get some new ones.

Hey, I was just wonderin' about that.

Yeah, it's.. I'm not sure the name of the place

but it's at Grandon Canal.

- Grandon Canal? - Yeah.

Right by the Holland Tunnel.

What, there's a tunnel all the way to Holland?

That's better than the Concord.

- It's a joke. - Oh, ha-ha, yeah.

Okay, Arv, I made nice with the new teacher, you happy?

Yes, I am. And did you apologize to him?

No, no, I just, uh, gave him a little friendly advice.

Oh.. About what?

Just, uh, about where to get some new bicycle wheels.

- Stanley's? - No, no, no.

I sent him down to, uh, Grandon Canal, near the tunnel.

N-near the tunnel?

Dennis, are you crazy? RoboCop wouldn't go there.

I know. It's a little joke.

I told him he'd find an all-night bicycle shop there.

How could you do a thing like that?

Hey, if he's gonna take Mr. Moore's place

let's see if he's got a sense of humor.

Oh, about what? Murder?

You were supposed to be nice to him!

I am being nice.

I'm teachin' him about life in the big city.

Hm, yeah, yeah. Well, I'm gonna tell him.

Arvid, don't, come on. Nothing's gonna happen to him.

Let's go. We're gonna be late for physics. Let's go.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

What is the big deal? The guy is a no-show.

I say we start without him.

I say, we start with you

telling everybody wh-what a scummy thing

you did to a really neat guy.

- Come on, fess up, Dennis. - What'd you do, Dennis?

He is new in town. He needed bicycle wheels.

I told him where to get some.

And where might that be?

Well, South of Houston, near the tunnel.

- Are you crazy? - What?

Hey, I wouldn't send my worst enemy there.

At night!

Dennis, why'd you pull a stunt like that?

Yeah, Dennis, that's low even for you.

Look, if he can't take the heat

he oughta just get out of the kitchen.

Oh, excuse me, excuse me.

The poor man comes over here from Scotland

can't even speak the language.

A total stranger in a hostile environment.

Hostile? Hostile?

Everybody in this room's been kissin' up to him

ever since he walked through that door!

I'm the only one here who's had the guts

to make him try and prove himself.

Aw, we have not been kissing up to him.

- Oh, you're the worst one. - I am not!

I-I've been courteous but aloof.

[scoffs]

Ah, you waited for me. Good.

He's alive!

You're alive!

Ha-ha, I wanted to tell you!

I tried to tell you!

Tell me what?

Nothing.

Are you alright?

[clamoring]

You, uh, got your wheels.

- Yeah, thanks, Dennis. - How?

It was an unbelievable experience.

For some reason, the taxi drivers wouldn't take me there.

So, I had to take a bus.

The bus driver was the nicest guy.

He slowed down enough at Canal Street to let me jump off.

What an excitin' neighborhood

that had been zoned for mayhem.

A guy came runnin' up to me.

He offered me a $10,000 diamond pinky ring

for 50 bucks with the pinky still in it.

Ugh.

Suddenly, there's sirens and police cars

and gunshot everywhere.

I was in the middle of a gunfight.

It was brilliant!

I flopped onto my belly

and I crawled into a doorway.

It was a bicycle shop!

I got my wheels!

The police gave me a run home.

They said I'm never to come back there.

So I'm glad my wheels are the right size

because I can't exchange them now, can I?

Okay. Eastern Europe.

Yugoslavia is a relatively small country

made up of seven even smaller countries.

Slovenia, Croatia..

You really got lucky this time, Dennis.

This could have been a major tragedy.

You know what? You're the major tragedy.

With all your kissin' up! What's gotten into you?

I-I just would hate to see, arguably, the finest teacher

I've ever been associated with killed after one day.

What, for anything.. Are you outta your mind?

Am I out of my mind..

Hey! Hey!

Hey!

- Sorry, sir. - Thank you.

- And thank you. - No problem.

Okay, Herzegovina.

Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss.

[instrumental music]

Well, we're almost at the end of the class here.

And I want you to know I'm havin' a really good time.

I know I'm throwin' lots of work at you.

Am I going too fast? Too slow?

Too Scottish.

(Billy) 'Oh!'

[indistinct chatter]

No, no, no, no. In fact, I was thinking, sir.

You know, I was gonna major in math

but...you make history come alive for me.

In fact, I-I-I'm thinking of changing my major to history!

Alright. That's it.

I have had it up to here

with your nauseating, sycophantic, toadying

brown-nosin' baloney!

You make me sick, Arvid!

W-w-well, if you don't like it, you know what you can do!

Oh, yeah? Well, I'm just the guy who might do it!

Okay, that's it! Both of you, outside!

You mean the hallway?

Yes!

Is this guy great or what?

Dennis, he's only been here two days.

He's already asking us into the hallway.

Dennis, the man cares!

The man is not going with you.

You started it, you two finish it.

Out!

You see, Arvid? The man doesn't care.

Care, doesn't care. Who cares?

Outside!

- Are they always like this? - Mm.

- Yeah. - Yup.

I get it, he sent us out here to solve our own problems.

Something that-that Mr. Moore would never do.

This guy trusts our judgment.

Yeah, exactly. The guy is a yo-yo!

[scoffs] Oh, that's a joke coming from Mr. Borderline Psychotic here.

Where is your loyalty to Mr. Moore?

Loyalty?

"Dear, Arvid. Got a part in a play. Got to go."

"Got to go?"

Why should I be loyal to him? He wasn't loyal to me.

Oh, and because of that you're just gonna forget all about him

and buddy-up to this Loch Ness Monster?

Well, that's fine, Arvid! You do that.

But I'll tell you somethin', I'm not a pushover like you.

And I got a lot more laughs in store for this guy.

Yeah, well, you'll have to get past me first, pal.

Oh, oh, big problem.

Hey!

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

- Yeah? Yeah? - Yeah. Yeah.

- Yeah? Yeah? - Yeah.

- I'm not kidding! Ow! - Hey!

- Ow! Ow! Let go! - I told you, Dennis, I told..

- Ow! Ow! Ow! - Oh, let go, let go.

- I'm not kidding! - Ow! Ow!

- Don't make me hurt you! - I'm not kidding around!

Boys! Boys!

- Oh, let go! - You let go! You let go!

[clears throat]

Would you like me to break this up?

- Please. - Yeah.

Break it up.

Shall we?

[sighs]

Now..

...what's it all about?

- Nothing. - Nothing.

"Nothing?" That ferocious, knock-down, drag out

Pete's sakes, blood-letting brawl was--

- Yeah, I get your point, yes. - Alright, I know what it was.

It must be about something.

I was defending you, if you must know.

[scoffs]

I'm perfectly capable of defending myself.

- But thank you. - Yeah.

Well, Dennis here has it in for you.

I am trying to show a little loyalty

to the man whose shoes you're trying to fill.

- There, I said it, okay? - Yeah.

Those were track shoes, Dennis.

He ran out on us!

But we got lucky. We got a better teacher.

[chuckles]

I get it.

You guys are Basil and Ernie.

- Who? - Two friends of mine.

Their wives both left them on the same day for each other.

Basil swore he would hate all women forever.

Ernie rushed out, married the first one he met.

Both made grave mistakes.

Which brings me to my point.

(both) Which is?

You haven't known me long enough to hate me that much.

And you haven't known me long enough

to like me that much.

So, what's goin' on?

Well, look

i-it's just that Mr. Moore was always draggin' me

out into the hallway to lecture me and..

Listen to what he wrote.

"We've had our differences.

"But you're one of my favorite people, Dennis.

"Virtuous enough to stay out of serious trouble

"but just rotten enough to be interesting.

"Don't change.

It worked for Winston Churchill."

[chuckles] And that's me!

I never knew that he understood me like that, and..

I started feeling guilty and..

...I just couldn't let you waltz in here

like the guy never existed.

Oh, yeah?

Listen to mine.

"Dear Arvid, we've been through a lot together.

"I-it was fun watching you grow up.

"You're one of the most..

"...delightful people..

"...I will ever know.

I won't forget you."

If I'm so delightful, how come he left?

Everybody leaves, Arvid.

And you would have, too, if he didn't.

- Huh? - Well, you're gonna graduate.

Aren't you?

- Both of you are. - Yeah.

Well, listen, Billy, I-I'm sorry that I..

...I sent you on that wild goose chase.

'Cause it was a rotten thing to do.

I-I get a little carried away sometimes

but...well, you know, I just want you to know that

I'm not really that mean.

That's okay.

- I'm not really that stupid. - Yeah.

You didn't go to Grandon Canal.

Are ya kiddin'?

At night? On my own?

It's bloody dangerous down there.

How'd you know I was puttin' you on?

[chuckles] Dennis, it-it was probably

in his letter from Mr. Moore. you know

maybe advice on how to deal with us.

You're right, Arvid.

It's right here, in the letter.

"To the new history teacher."

That's me.

Stuff about the kids, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Sarah, blah, blah, Alan.. Ah!

Here's the blah-blah about you two.

"Dennis and Arvid are both brilliant."

Well, yeah.

"But as brilliant minds tend to do

"they often disagree, sometimes, violently.

"Their very brilliance, however

"is what allows them to see the error of their ways.

"And so they are, in my opinion

"model students, outstanding young citizens

and perhaps most important, the best of friends."

Well, I'll leave you to it.

You know what? Mr. Moore's really something.

I mean, he left, and-and he's still

straightening out our lives, by mail.

Yeah? Listen to this.

"To the new history teacher.

"I leave you to deal with the IHP class as you see fit.

"However, I think you should know that I've hidden

"extra chalk in my bottom left-hand drawer.

"Whatever you do, avoid the tuna fish in the cafeteria.

On second thought, avoid the cafeteria."

- That's it? - That's it.

Mr. Moore didn't say anything about us.

This new guy made the whole thing up.

- He's good. Very good. - Real good. No doubt!

[instrumental music]

[theme music]