Original subtitles

[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

Hey, Mr. Moore, I can't thank you enough

for going to that wedding with me yesterday.

Oh! My pleasure. I had a good time.

Oh, so you two are dating now, huh?

No, I was hired by the Gagliardi family to do a video.

They needed an on-camera MC to interview the guests.

- 'Oh.' - Oh, boy!

That acting career just keeps

rocketing skyward, doesn't it?

Well, it wasn't a career move, Alan.

I did it as a favor.

Yeah, he had the whole crowd going

"That's Amore."

You were good, Mr. Moore

except for that one little incident.

Uh-oh! What happened, Mr. Moore?

Nothing. Nothing. There was an attractive woman.

I asked for her phone number and n-n-nothing happened.

- Well, so what? - Yeah.

She was the bride.

I thought she was a bridesmaid.

She was kissing the best man.

[bell ringing]

Aristotle, how come you didn't ask me to be in your tape?

You were afraid I'd embarrass your skinny butt?

No, it's because you don't know the words to "That's Amore."

Hey, I know the words.

♪ When the moon hits your eye ♪

♪ Like a big pizza pie that's.. ♪♪

That's enough. Okay.

So, uh, let's return to the thrilling days of yesteryear.

The early '70s.

The Daniel Ellsberg case.

What was that about, Viki?

Oh, Daniel Ellsberg discovered that some government officials

were misleading the American public about the Vietnam war.

Exactly.

And he provided classified information to--

"The New York Times."

And then Nixon's dirty tricks gang

Liddy, Hunt, etc.

They broke into his psychiatrist's office.

They were trying to dig up any dirt they could find

to discredit Ellsberg.

Later on, they did the Watergate breakin'

to see if the democrats had any dirt on Nixon.

Yeah, I mean, it's unbelievable.

You couldn't turn around without

somebody spyin' on you.

[screaming]

Psst. Psst. Psst.

I think I'd better go.

Dr. Samuels only makes these cartoon noises

when it's important.

What is it?

- This is all very hush-hush. - Oh.

- Well, you're s-squeaking. - What?

Oh! Stress reduction.

Whenever I feel stressed, I just squeeze it.

- You wanna try this? - No, I'm-I'm relaxed.

- Well, not for long. - Oh, really?

There is a man in my office to talk to Aristotle.

An agent.

What? He's been offered a role in another movie?

Not that kind of agent.

Okay, what kind of agent is he?

F-B-I.

So, can I get you anything?

Coffee? Donut?

Jimmy Hoffa?

You know somethin' about Jimmy Hoffa?

No, no, just that he's the only guy

in Giants Stadium not doing the wave.

I don't get it.

Okay, here he is.

Excuse us, Miss Meara.

This is the young man you wanted to see.

Aristotle, this is Special Agent, Meriner.

[squeaking]

- Is something bothering you? - No, not at all.

[squeaking]

Have a seat, son.

According to our sources, you were hired by

a Mr. and Mrs. Carmine Gagliardi to videotape a wedding.

That's right.

Son, the FBI would very much

appreciate it if you would

provide us with a copy of the footage you shot.

You want the tape?

W-why would the FBI want a tape

of the Gagliardi wedding?

Aristotle.

Capeesh?

All I can tell you is..

...it involves an ongoing investigation.

Wow, I thought the Gagliardi's were really cool people.

Really cool people who happen to run a

uh, cement contracting company, huh.

Mr. Moore thought they were nice too.

- Mr. Moore? - Yeah, he's my history teacher.

- He was helpin' me out. - Charles P. Moore.

Now, let me go on record of saying

I really never liked him.

So...where's the tape, son?

Yes, where's the tape, son?

It's at home.

I'd really hate to see anybody

get into trouble because of this.

We certainly don't want any trouble.

Do we, Aristotle?

I'll pick it up tomorrow morning.

Have a nice day!

[squeaking]

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Aristotle, do you know where Salman Rushdie lives?

No, nobody does.

Yeah, well, you better find out

'cause when you turn over that tape to the FBI

you're gonna have to move in with him.

I don't have to hide from anybody, Eric.

Aristotle, wake up, man!

It was obviously a mob wedding.

Otherwise, the FBI wouldn't want the tape

to check out the gangsters who were there.

You saw "The Godfather."

We all know how those guys loved

to have their picture taken.

Now, wait. Wait a minute. It wasn't like that.

But they do have a point, Mr. Moore.

Maybe I better not give that tape to the FBI.

Aristotle, try to remember.

Was the bride heavily armed?

[chuckling]

I, I think we're jumping to conclusions here.

He's right. We're jumping to conclusions.

No, no, no, no, no, Aristotle

they're Italians in the cement business

who the FBI is investigating.

Yeah, I mean, do you need a ton of bricks to fall on you?

Which they can arrange.

She's right.

Aristotle, what's the worst

that could possibly happen to you?

They break your legs?

Or maybe they take an icepick and--

(Mr. Moore) 'Uh, Jasper.'

Jasper.

Thank you for your comforting ideas.

But seriously, uh, just because the FBI

is investigating the Gagliardi's

that doesn't mean they're guilty, right?

- Right. - Yeah, that's true.

And just because someone's name

ends in a vowel does not mean

that they are involved in crime.

Mr. Moore is right, there's-there's lots of famous

respectable people whose names end in vowels.

Uh, great Italians, like Marconi, Michelangelo

Galileo, Arsenio.

Okay, wh-what about William Paca?

Oh, right, uh, he was one of the signers

of the declaration of independence.

Oh, and don't forget Giorgio Armani.

- Thank you, Darlene. - Gianni Versace.

- Missoni, Gianfranco Ferre. - Thank you, Darlene.

The first American saint, Mother Cabrini.

That's a good point.

Yeah, but the FBI isn't runnin' a make

on Mother Cabrini.

- That's a better point. - Okay.

Who created the FBI?

- Mm, J. Edgar Hoover, right? - 'Wrong.'

It was a man of Italian heritage.

Charles Bonaparte was the 46th attorney general of the US.

Incidentally, did that FBI agent

show you any kind of paperwork?

A-a subpoena, a court order?

No, he just said, "Bring the tape tomorrow morning." Why?

Well, you remember Daniel Ellsberg? Okay.

Now, he stole the Pentagon Papers

and he gave them to "The Times", and yet

all the charges against him were dropped, why?

- Good lawyer? - Bad evidence.

The Justice Department didn't play by the rules

Ellsberg's rights were not protected.

So, it ordered that everybody is covered

including the Gagliardi's

this FBI agent must produce a court order

a subpoena, some kind of official documentation.

That's it. No subpoena, no tape.

Excuse me? I don't believe I'm hearing this.

The FBI asks you for a tape, you give 'em the tape.

You an American or not?

Okay, Aristotle. I'll tell you what.

If you like, I'll help you straighten this out

with the agent tomorrow, okay?

Cool, thanks.

Mr. Moore, I don't think he should do it.

Come on, he has to do it.

Well, the way I see it. You got two choices.

You can either be a pillar of society

or you could be the base of a pillar of society.

[instrumental music]

So, you are telling the United States government

that you and your missing student

are refusing to cooperate.

No, I'm merely saying--

Where is Aristotle?

Well, I'm sure that he'll be here

and I'm sure that he'll cooperate.

His only concern is that the rule of law

is followed before he turns the tape over to you.

Mr. Moore, this man is with the FBI.

You are a teacher, sir.

He outranks you.

Well, I think the constitution outranks us both.

Oh, you're one of those?

Look, if you wanna play hardball

I can have a subpoena here in an hour.

Great, then you'll get your tape.

Hi, heh, you wouldn't believe why I'm late.

No, we wouldn't. Where's the tape?

Give him the tape.

Eh, did you know that the FBI was created

by someone of Italian descent?

I didn't know that. Give me the tape.

- I can't. - Okay.

You wanna play the subpoena game, you got it.

No, sir, even with the subpoena I can't give you a tape.

Excuse me, uh, Aristotle, I thought the understanding was

that if they follow procedure, then you hand over the tape.

That was before I found out that there is no tape.

There is no tape?

I must've screwed up in the recording, Mr. Moore.

There's nothing on the tape.

It's pretty feeble, kid. I'm not buying.

Do you know what the penalty is for withholding evidence

in a federal investigation? Two to five years.

[squeaking]

Excuse me, u-uh, "Withholding evidence?"

I mean, you-you're threatening us

and we haven't seen a subpoena yet.

- The tape is blank. - Yeah, right.

You better come up with that tape

or somebody in this room is goin' to jail.

[instrumental music]

Okay, I'll explain it all one more time, quickly.

Now...there is no tape, but the FBI thinks there is

and they think that Aristotle is hiding it.

And on the other hand when I tell the Gagliardi's

that there is no tape, they're gonna think

I gave it to the FBI and they're gonna zatch me.

Now, you don't know that they're in the mob.

Well, even if they're not, they're still gonna kill you

for ruinin' their wedding pictures.

There's nothing that he can do about that.

Except, of course, apologize and return all the money.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Don't tell me you spent all the money.

[indistinct chatter]

I used the money to buy the camera.

That's how I zapped the tape.

I wasn't checked out on the equipment, you guys.

Well, wait, look, if they are mob kingpins

they'll be glad that there's no tape to turn over to the FBI.

Glad?

You tell them there's no tape

for their only daughter's wedding

and they'll happen to be a little disappointed.

And when these people get disappointed

you'll wind up as an involuntary organ donor.

Look, nobody is gonna rub out

Aristotle and Mr. Moore.

They're goin' to jail for obstructing justice.

So, they'll either be goin' up the river or floating down it.

Okay, hold it, hold it. This isn't helping, you know.

Yeah, come on, what happened to all that stuff

about nice people with vowels at the end of their names?

I think, uh, some stereotyping is being done here.

Yeah, we're gonna get zatched in a very stereotypical way.

No one is gonna be zatched, okay?

Now, listen, I-I, we just tell the Gagliardi's

that we messed up the tape, and we're very sorry

we're gonna do our best to make it right.

"We?"

Yeah, I'll go with you

tonight after school, okay?

[instrumental music]

- Here it is. Gagliardi. - Yeah.

[squeaking]

Not you too.

It seemed to work for Dr. Samuels

so I went out and bought one.

Aristotle, I don't think you wanna be squeaking

while we're talking to these folks, okay?

Just relax, everything's gonna be fine.

Oh, hello. Come on in.

- Come on. - Thanks.

- How are you? - Oh, fine.

- Good. - How are you?

Oh, we got a mountain of food left over from the wedding.

- Oh. - Let me make you a plate.

- Oh, not for me, thanks. - How about for you?

Oh, no, thanks, ma'am. I'm not hungry.

Sit, go on. Sit. Go on.

[chuckles] Mr. Amore, how are you?

Mr. Moore.

- Oh, sit. Sit. - Thank you.

You did a beautiful job interviewing all the guests.

Uh, you both did.

Uh, so, you brought me a video to watch, right?

Uh, on second thought, if you'd like to bake a ham, I can wait.

[speaking in foreign language]

You know, I went out and I bought a VCR special.

Just to look at the tape, over and over.

Uh, ahem, Aristotle has something he needs to tell you.

That's, that's.. Later, later, eh?

- Now let's go watch the video-- - Uh, well.

I'm-I'm-I'm sorry, sir.

Please, there-there-there-there

is a s-problem with the tape.

There is?

- Aristotle? - What problems?

Well, I-I-I didn't, um, you know, uh..

No, I don't know, tell me.

There is no tape, I zatched it.

[clattering]

[speaking in foreign language]

I'm sorry, ma'am.

I'm sorry, I pushed the wrong button.

Aristotle..

...why didn't you tell me?

What have I done to you

that you should treat me so disrespectfully?

I pay you good money to tape my daughter's wedding.

I invite you into my house as a guest.

This is how you repay me?

Godfather, Aristotle meant no disres..

Excuse me.

Mr. Gagliardi, uh..

Aristotle made a human mistake

and-and he's very sorry.

Very, very sorry.

Desgracia.

[speaking in foreign language]

[speaking in foreign language]

Mortadella.

- Mortadella. Morta, death? - Oh!

- Oh, my God! - Aristotle. Aristotle.

Mortadella, lunch meat.

They're gonna make us into lunch meat?

Aristotle!

Uh, uh, Mr. Gagliardi, uh..

...Aristotle is going to pay back all of the money

that you advanced him.

I promise, every cent.

I bought a VCR.

Come on, my sister Theresa brought her camera.

We got pictures.

I bought a VCR!

Well, still, I mean, fortunately you will have

your sister-in-law's pictures of the wedding.

Yeah.

Well, that's right.

It won't be on the VCR, but there'll be pictures.

[chuckling]

Ah, go ahead. Eat, eat.

[chuckles] By the way, whatever you do

don't tell the FBI you got pictures.

FBI?

What FBI?

Uh, they, they wanted your video of the wedding.

You talked to the FBI about us?

No. No. No. The FBI talked to us about you.

[speaking in foreign language]

[speaking in foreign language]

(both) Enrico?

[squeaking]

[instrumental music]

I sure hope Mr. Moore and Aristotle are okay.

- Yeah. - Yeah, me too.

Hey, did you, o-or did any of you guys

talk to them after they went

to the Gagliardi's yesterday?

- Mnm-mnm. - No.

I know that something is wrong.

I felt a disturbance

in my nocturnal psychic plane.

- You had a bad dream? - Yeah.

I saw Mr. Moore and Aristotle walking down

this long corridor filled with manicotti.

And sitting there, in this throne

was this rogue figure of death.

And then suddenly, I was in a meadow.

And Kevin Costner was there

and he was running towards me.

But my gown, I was wearing this really pretty gown

got caught in the brambles

and then he lifted me up, and my gown tore.

O-o-oh, wait a minute, Viki

what happened to Aristotle and Mr. Moore?

Ooh, forget that. Forget that.

Your gown tore?

- Yeah, and then-- - Uh, guys.

This is Enrico Strazzullo.

He's looking for Aristotle.

Um, Aristotle isn't here anymore.

He-he transferred to another school.

- Yeah. - Yeah, he's gone.

- In-in Alaska. - Yeah.

Mm-hmm, how about Charlie Moore?

Oh, we never heard of him.

- Don't know-- - Charlie..

Mm-hm, Harold Samuels?

(all) Oh, he's in there.

Thank you.

Let's go.

Hey, guys, what's goin' on?

(all) Shh!

Oh, Dr. Samuels get his hair permed again?

Yeah, the Gagliardi's told us you were in the FBI

but I didn't realize you were an assistant regional supervisor.

Well, when Carmine told me he was being investigated

I couldn't believe it, how could anybody think

that that family was involved with the mob?

Just because they have an Italian name

and are in the cement business?

[chuckles] Some people.

Anyway, I checked into it, and that's why

I asked for this meeting.

[toilet flushing]

Okay, when he gets here, just tell him..

- Who's he? - Enrico Strazzullo.

[squeaking]

My God, he's with..

- The FBI. - I knew that.

I need to apologize about Special Agent Meriner.

He was never authorized to ask for the tape.

There's never been any investigation

of the Gagliardi family.

And there's never been a reason to start one.

So, why did Meriner want this tape?

- That's a little embarrassing. - Uh-huh.

Loose cannon, huh?

Kind of an embarrassment to the bureau.

No, to me.

He's been spying on his ex-wife.

When he found out that I took her to the wedding

he figured that was a good chance to get us on tape.

Doing what? I don't know. Eating cake and dancing?

I mean, the nerve of some people.

So, he threatens a high school student.

He'll be disciplined for that.

And you have my apology on behalf of the bureau.

It's too quiet in there. I don't like it.

Well, at least they haven't shot 'em.

Why do you think they call 'em silencers?

[imitating gunshots]

- Dennis. - Dennis!

- Ow! - This is scary enough.

Now if something happens, some people

are gonna have to go in there.

People who can handle themselves

like me and Alex.

- Ahem! - And T.J.

Oh!

[chuckling]

It was nice meeting you fellas.

Sorry again for the inconvenience.

B-b-but, Mr. Moore, how-how could you be, uh, if he's--

No, no, no, no. Look, I'll.. It's a long story.

And I'll explain it in class, okay?

- He's not a hit-man? - 'Yeah, Mr. Moore.'

'We thought he was gonna kill..'

Mr. Strazzullo

is a field supervisor for the FBI.

- 'FBI?' - What?

You guys are lucky you have a teacher

who understands his constitutional rights.

I have an agent who wants to ignore them.

Didn't Dennis tell you that I was one of the good guys?

[chuckles] Did I forget to mention that?

Guys! Hey, hey!

[indistinct shouting]

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