Original subtitles

[theme music]

Charlie!

Hey, hey, hey, big guy. Glad, I caught you.

Yeah, Lou, what are you doing here?

Oh, ho, ho. I got big news.

So big, I had to come down and tell you in person.

This is the kind of personal service

you don't get with your, uh, big agencies.

- What is it? - Are you ready?

I got you a meeting on Saturday with Kermit LeBaron.

- The Broadway producer? - 'The one and only.'

'This must be about the new David Mamet play--'

No, no. His son's birthday party.

They need somebody to make those, uh, little animals

out of balloons.

- No. Lou, forget it. - Oh, come on, come on, Charlie.

So you bend a couple of balloons.

You'll be delighting all those children

of famous Broadway people, huh?

- Contacts, contacts, contacts. - Yeah.

Hey, look, it's work.

Lou, I am not going to bend balloons

at a birthday party, okay?

Lou, do you realize

that in the two years you've been representing me

you haven't found me any serious work?

(Lou) 'Charlie, help me.'

Uh, just show me something out there

that's right for you, huh? Anything.

Yeah, here, right here. The new issue of "Backstage."

"Woody Allen casting for a new film."

Yeah, I saw it. The part's all wrong for you.

All wrong?

"Middle-aged high school teacher?"

Middle-aged?

I thought that said Middle East high school.

Lou...you know, I think

it's time for me to find another agent.

Wait a minute. You're leaving me after all I've done for you?

Yeah. Uh, listen.

I appreciate all you've done for me, okay?

Thanks. Goodbye.

Nobody dumps Lou Silver.

Hey, you'll never work in this town again.

I'm not working in this town now.

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, everybody. Listen up.

Aristotle's got a really dumb idea.

- What? - What's that?

We're gonna help Mr. Moore get a part

in a Woody Allen movie.

- No way. - Why?

Come on. Come on, Aristotle. A Woody Allen movie?

I'm telling you guys, if we can just come up with some ideas

maybe we can help Mr. Moore get over his streak of bad luck.

Okay, but what can we do to help him

get over his streak of bad acting?

- Alan! - Hey, he's a great actor.

Don't you remember him in that experimental

version of "Othello?"

Oh, right.

I loved it when he said

"I never did offend you in my life.

- Never did I love Casio." - Yeah.

Hey, wait a minute. That's Desdemona.

That's the woman's part.

Well, I said it was experimental.

If we can just figure out a way to get Mr. Moore to Woody Allen.

- Morning, everyone. - 'Hey.'

- Oh, hi, Mr. Moore. - Morning, Mr. Moore.

Uh, Mr. Moore, I don't know if this will help

but my mother has a cleaning lady

who has a sister who works for a dentist

who plays poker with Woody Allen's cousin.

Well, I think it's great that you've

never let that affect you, Arvid.

I know, we could, we could write Woody Allen

a really moving letter about how wonderful you are.

- 'Yeah.' - 'That's a good idea.'

Okay. Okay. W-what's all the Woody Allen stuff?

We know there's a part in his next film

that's perfect for you, Mr. Moore.

[bell rings]

Okay. Uh.. So World War I.

I got it, we could picket in front of Woody's building

until he agrees to meet with you.

[indistinct chatter]

Thanks, but, no thanks.

Come on. He's looking for a middle-aged teacher.

What're you gonna do, roll over and quit?

No, I-I'm going to submit a photo and a resume

to Woody Allen's casting people, okay?

- 'So--' - Pictures, resumes, Mr. Moore?

You're in the Dark Ages of self-promotion.

Yeah. Maybe it's not just bad acting.

- 'No, Alan.' - Alan.

Thank you, Alan.

Come on, Mr. Moore, I mean, these days

people send in videos, demo tapes, reels.

- Yeah. - Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

But I am a stage actor, see? I, I don't have a demo tape.

So, in 1916, the English introduced an invention

that would change the face of modern warfare.

Who can tell me what that was?

Simone.

Maybe you can make your own tape.

You know, um, shoot some scenes of you acting

from some of your favorite plays.

- Now that's a great idea. - That's what we should do.

It was the tank.

I, I-I don't think you know how much it would cost

to put something like that together.

I'd have to hire, uh, lighting technicians

and a cameraman and a director--

I know someone who would do it absolutely free.

- Really? - Me.

Yeah, there you go.

Well, Aristotle, you-you never had

a serious directing job in your life.

Come on, Mr. Moore. What do you got to lose?

[indistinct chatter]

Okay, Aristotle, I'm done with the lights.

Still too blue.

[sighs] I can't stand this anymore.

What do you want from me?

- Less blue! - Okay.

Ladies, this is not a hair shampoo commercial.

Aristotle, do you want fast or do you want good?

- Yeah. - I want now!

- Ooh. Scared myself. - Scared everybody.

Sorry, I didn't mean to shake up the talent.

Okay. Let's do one.

And..

...action.

I'm Charlie Moore.

This is something from "Death Of A Salesman."

Act II.

I'm talking about your father.

There were promises made across this desk--

- 'Cut.' - Cut?

Mr. Moore, this is Willy Loman.

I mean, this guy's a salesman from Brooklyn and he has two s--

Aristotle, I-I did Willy Loman for eight weeks in Summer Stock.

Well, I-I was just, uh, trying

to make the play a little contemporary.

Give it a few new insights.

Have you ever actually seen "Death Of A Salesman?"

No. But I plan to.

Men, at sometimes, are masters of their fates.

The fault, dear Brutus, lies not in our stars

but in ourselves that we are underlings.

[cheering]

Thank you. Thank you.

Got to admit, it was more fun that I thought it was gonna be.

And I appreciate all of your work.

You were hot, Mr. Moore. The Woodman's gonna love you.

- Yeah. - Yes.

That is something I'm not so sure about.

- Why not? It was fresh. - Yeah.

Thank you, but, uh, no matter how you cut it

if I'm gonna be honest, it looks

like something that I shot myself at home.

- Oh, no, no. - Why, Mr. Moore?

It's, it's, it's just Uncle Morty does the classics.

I'm-I'm not sure

that-that Woody is gonna be able to take it seriously.

[indistinct chatter]

So, you're not gonna send it to him?

No. I.. But I really appreciate all your efforts.

[all clamoring]

Aristotle, don't you think it's Mr. Moore's decision, man?

Yeah, but he's crazy. It's a great tape.

Look, Aristotle, he's got it, he hates it.

- That's the end of it. - Mm-hmm.

It's just the beginning.

Voila. I've got a copy.

- Alright. - Oh, wait.

You mean, you're gonna send it to them in spite of his wishes?

Isn't that kind of sneaky?

Cinderella, I think your pumpkin is double-parked.

Look, why don't you guys quit playing around?

Aristotle, you got a copy of that "Backstage" magazine?

- Let me have it. - What are you gonna do, Dennis?

Phone him up and say, "Uh, hi

could you please look at my teacher's tape?"

[all laughing]

Grow up.

Honey, would you please get me Chip O'Hara

at Woody's casting office?

First of all, I am not your honey.

And second of all, I..

- Alright. - Yeah.

I don't know. What if Mr. Moore finds out?

Hey, the only way Mr. Moore is gonna

find out is if they want him to audition.

It's not like they're gonna call him if they hate the tape.

Come on.

Shh, shh, shh.

Hello? Is-is Mr. O'Hara in for Lou Silver, please?

- Shh. - Thank you.

Shh. Quiet.

Chip, hi, how are ya?

Uh, listen, about that teacher role in Woody's movie

I was thinking that..

Oh, actually, I'm Lou Silver Junior.

Uh, look. I'm sending over a tape of a guy I'm crazy about.

Now, his name is Charlie Moore.

Now-now you're gonna have to understand the tape's

kind of a hoot, it's one of these, uh

Uncle Morty murders the classics kinda things.

But-but the guy is terrific. You're gonna love him.

And I'm telling you, he's perfect for the role.

Uh-huh. Okay.

- You'll have it today. - Awesome.

Uh, uh, can you hang on one second, please?

Who? Jack Nicholson?

Tell him to wait.

Look, I gotta run. I got somebody in my office.

But I'll send my gofer right over with the tape, okay?

Alright. Bye-bye.

[cheering]

Gofer?

Why you just standing there? Go!

Yeah. Go!

I'll tell him you called.

Yeah. Bye.

Morning, Dr. Samuels, how are you today?

Is that supposed to be funny?

Dr. Samuels, did someone punch you in the mouth?

I just came from the dentist.

They gave me three shots of Novocain.

I need some coffee.

How can you drink when your mouth is numb?

Nothing to it.

- Oh. - See?

Morning, Moore.

Hold my coat!

I'm not even gonna ask.

Charlie, the most exciting thing has just happened.

What, he's agreed to wear a bib?

No, I got a message for your agent, Lou Silver.

[sighs] From my ex-agent, Lou Silver.

No, for him.

From Woody Allen's casting director.

[bell rings]

Good morning, everyone.

- 'Good morning, Mr. Moore.' - Hey.

Wow, you're in good spirits.

Ha! You're not gonna believe this.

But it seems I am up for the teacher's role

in the Woody Allen movie.

- Alright. - Alright.

Of course, I, I do have a little moral dilemma.

Uh, I fired my agent

because he wasn't really going after the role and..

...then I guess he got them to see me.

Oh, you mean the guy who said

"You'll never work in this town again?"

I guess it's just his way of saying he's sorry about that.

'It says, "Call Chip O'Hara regarding Charlie Moore."'

Yeah. Uh, Mr. Moore, about that, we, um--

Uh, that message is for me. See, I-I called Chip O'Hara.

Yeah, and I took your tape, yeah.

You what?

- But it worked. - Yeah.

Now, wait a minute.

In spite of the fact that I told everybody

I did not want to submit the tape

you took it to Woody Allen's office?

And you phoned them and posed as my agent?

- Uh-- - Well, sort of--

- Yeah-- - Kind of--

- Pretty much it. - Yeah.

Well, what're you waiting for? Go call him.

Find out what time my appointment is.

[cheering]

- Go! - Listen. Really, thank you.

All of you. I-I..

I know it's just an audition. I still have to get the role.

But, uh, being an actor as long as I have

you don't let stuff like this bother you in a way.

Ha!

Uh, I-I guess we should settle down and, uh..

...pick up where we left off yesterday.

- Which was where? - World War I.

World War I.

President Woodrow Allen.

Oh, Woodrow Allen.

That little nebbish president with red hair and glasses.

Sorry. Sorry.

President Woodrow Wilson campaigned in 1916

on the promise of keeping us out of the war.

So, in 1917, we went to war.

And this..

Okay. What did they say?

When is the moment of truth?

Well, it's, uh, it's today at 2:30.

Today?

- Today at 2:30? - Whoo!

I-I'm sorry, but this tape must be

a lot better than I thought it was.

Aristotle, I don't know what to say to any of you.

Thank you once again. I should go to the office.

I should make sure I have a substitute, okay?

[cheering]

Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys!

- 'What?' - 'What?'

Before you go bookin' a table at Sardi's

there's somethin' you should know.

- What? - What?

Well, uh, the casting director doesn't want to see Mr. Moore.

- 'What?' - 'What?'

He wants to take another look at the gofer

who brought the tape.

Me?

[indistinct chatter]

Backstabber! How could you do this to him?

What? I love the guy. I just dropped off the tape.

Oh, tell me about it. That is really low.

You take a loser like Mr. Moore.

- Complete failure as an actor. - Alan!

You-you build up his hopes and then you pull the rug out

from under him. You don't respect him like I do.

Yeah, I mean, how did you end up

with the middle-aged teacher part?

- Yeah. - No, no, no, no, no.

They wrote this fantasy sequence where Woody

envisions himself as a black kid.

- Oh. - Hey, I could play a black kid.

Well, I-I guess the casting guy likes you.

Well, I guess that makes one person that likes you.

They probably never even looked at his tape.

That's right. I mean, it's not about them rejecting Mr. Moore.

It's about them liking Aristotle.

- That's the point. - That's right.

So enjoy it, man. Go for it.

You know, you got a point.

I mean, we're talking Woody Allen, you guys.

This could be a tremendous break for me.

This could really get my film making career off the ground.

Why shouldn't I savor the moment?

That's why.

Look, I told you guys. I'm not good at breaking bad news.

[scoffs] You're tellin' us.

I bet you still haven't told your mother you're dating T.J.

Yeah. I mean, come to think about it.

I've never met your mother.

She has a weak heart.

Come on. Look, somebody's gotta break the news to Mr. Moore.

- Oh, not me. - Not me, man.

What we need is someone who really cares about Mr. Moore.

Someone who can be encouraging about his acting career.

Someone who knows what it feels like

to be rejected over and over and over again.

What?

Arvid, thank you so much for volunteering.

- No, I-- - Yes, Arvid, please.

- You gotta do it. - You'll do it.

- Go, go, go, go. - Please.

- Mr. Moore, hi. - Hi, Arvid.

Something wrong?

Oh, with me? No.

- Good. - How about you?

Well, to be honest, I'm, I'm nervous

about meeting Woody Allen.

[sighs] It's perfectly understandable.

I mean, why did you put yourself through this?

Hey, I got a great idea. Why don't you just forget

about the whole thing?

Don't be silly, Arvid. I just need to loosen up.

Oh, yeah. I mean, you're loosenin' up.

Uh-huh, hey, I-I got an idea that's potentially loosening.

Let's role-play.

Role play?

Yeah, I-I know it sounds weird

but if-if I pretend to be Woody Allen

it might help you figure out what to say to him.

Well, Arvid, that's not the way

I usually prepare for an audition.

B-but why not? Sure.

Oh, hey, great. Uh..

- I'll be Woody Allen. - Okay.

And you be, uh--

- I'm Charlie Moore. - Oh, right, right.

It's a real pleasure to meet you, Mr. Allen.

Uh, Woody.

Oh, um, great. Uh, please, have a seat, if you will.

So, uh, w-where to begin, um, um..

Directing a movie is like, um, running a country.

It's like, yeah..

One wrong move and you can end up like Ceausescu.

It's like..

Well, Woody, you certainly have a wonderful way with words.

What are you saying?

Um, um, don't give up your day job.

Well, you seem pretty loosened up to me, Mr. Moore.

- Good job! Good job! - Thanks.

- Gotta go to the office. - Okay.

Oh. Uh, are you okay, Mr. Moore?

Yeah. I'm fine. It's a very exciting day for me.

- You didn't tell him? - No.

If only I had to play Clint Eastwood, at least

I could've shot him and put him out of his misery.

Here.

I can't take this anymore!

Yo, man. Don't worry about it. I'll tell Mr. Moore.

You just concentrate on that audition.

- Really? - Consider it done.

I'll tell him right now.

[bell rings]

I'll tell him right after my next class. I swear.

[bell rings]

- Whoa! - Going somewhere, Mardian?

Yeah. I-I gotta see, Mr. Moore.

Well, lots of luck. You just missed him.

- He left? - He had some silly audition.

I was nice enough to fill in for him

even with my dental pain.

Oh, no. That's terrible.

Yeah. Right. Root canal. Aah.

T.J., have you seen Aristotle?

Sure, about five minutes ago.

He had to go to his audition, man.

I didn't get a chance to tell Mr. Moore.

So, how's he gonna find out that they don't want him?

I think he'll get the hint when the movie comes out

and he's not in it.

You'll never believe where I am today.

The regular girl got sick, so I'm answering the phone for..

Are you ready? Woody Allen! Ah!

He's in the next room and he is so cute.

This is more fun than when I worked at the IRS

and the people are just as scared of me.

[chuckles] Uh-huh. Uh..

Do you mind?

I'm, I'm Charlie Moore. I have a 2:30.

No, you don't. Anyway..

I haven't spoken to Woody yet, but I will.

Excuse me. There must be some mistake.

You called me this morning.

Hold on. I didn't call you, sweetie.

I've never heard of you until now.

Well, someone called.

I've got to go.

I'll check.

You better not be lying or you'll never

work in this town again.

- Thank you. - Sit.

Aristotle.

You didn't have to come all the way down here.

I.. Thank you. I can use the moral support.

- You didn't hear from Eric? - He's coming too?

Not unless he likes train wrecks.

What does that mean?

Mr. Moore, look around the room.

You notice how everybody kind of looks like me.

Nobody looks like you?

Yeah?

What I'm trying to say, Mr. Moore, is--

You don't have an appointment, buster.

Everybody here?

Um, Aristotle McKenzie is a no-show.

Oh, I'm Aristotle.

Ah, yes! The young man who brought the tape.

Is this your dad?

This is the crasher I was telling you about.

Th-there seems to be some confusion

about my appointment with Mr. Allen.

No. I remember.

You're the one on the tape.

- You've seen it? - Yes, I did.

And I was so thrilled to get it.

After your stuff ran out

there was an "LA Law" I'd missed.

Thanks. Maybe next time.

Start sending them in.

I'm sorry, Mr. Moore, they saw me

when I dropped off the tape. A-are you mad?

No, no. I just gotta get out of here.

Yeah. I understand. I'll go with you.

- No. You have an audition. - Just forget it.

- I feel bad about it. - Don't be silly.

I mean, this is far too important to just pass on.

Yeah, I'm.. If you leave now, you're gonna regret it.

And you know it.

- Are you sure? - Absolutely.

Listen, it'd be nice if one of us got a role.

Thanks. Got a feelin' I'm gonna nail this puppy.

There you go. You--

Listen up, everybody. I'm sorry, but you know Woody.

Always rewriting. He's dropping the fantasy scene.

'He thanks you all, and he's deeply sorry'

for the inconvenience.

But you can stay.

He's looking at your tape. He wants you to wait.

Can I get you a cup of coffee?

Sure.

Oh, Mr. Moore, I'm so sorry. That must've been awful.

- Yeah. - Awful? Try humiliating.

Well, at least it's not your first time. You're used to it.

What I'm trying to say, Mr. Moore, is, um--

Uh, Mr. Moore, look on the bright side.

Up to this point, you've been turned down

by losers and nobodies.

And now you've kind of moved up to a higher class of rejection.

You know, it was exciting meeting Woody Allen.

- W-w-what did he say? - Yeah.

He said, uh, "Here's your tape.

Thanks for letting me look at it."

Wow. Brutal.

[bell rings]

That's enough about show business, okay?

Let's move on to something less brutal.

World War I.

- Oh. - Ha-ha-ha.

[theme music]