Original subtitles

[theme music]

[indistinct chatter]

[clears throat] Attention

scoffers, scorners and general smirkers.

I have in my hand an envelope, an envelope from her.

Margaret Thatcher finally wrote you back?

Not yet. This is even better.

This is a letter from the future Mrs. Pinkard.

Alan, when are you gonna get over

this obsession with that model?

- Yeah, man. - Go ahead, read and weep.

[sighs]

"Dear Mr. Alan

"thank you for your recent note, letter and-or postcard.

"Just scratch the earlobe of my photo

and enjoy my new scent Ode To Ashley."

- Oh! - Oh, boy.

Pretty impressive, Alan. Not too many guys

get a scratch-and-sniff Dear John letter.

Let me tell you a little story, Alan.

Wh-when I was very young

I-I had a monster crush on Rhonda Fleming.

- Who? - Who is that?

Rhonda Fleming, the movie star, you know.

"Redhead And The Cowboy," "The Last Outpost."

Forget it, she, she was quite attractive to me, believe me.

Okay, so I-I-I saw all of her movies

and I joined her fan club. I wrote her letters.

Finally one day, I get a letter back from her

and you know what was in it?

A publicity photo with her name

rubberstamped on the bottom. Now I knew from then on--

Hey, you got an actual publicity photo?

Yes, Alan, but the point is--

With her name on it and everything?

Rubberstamped, Alan.

Well, Mr. Moore, that's incredible.

You-you know, for a moment there

I was starting to get a little discouraged

but I guess there really is hope, huh?

Alan. Alan.

That is as close as I ever got to her.

Well, sure, that's you.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

(both) Hyah! Hyah! Hyah!

Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Ah, Jasper!

You truly are a lethal weapon.

[grunting]

Jasper? Lethal?

[laughing]

Alright, Jasper, come on.

Show 'em how you karate-chopped that board in woodshop.

- Yeah. - Um, I-I would prefer not to.

In karate, we frown on egotistical displays

of brute strength.

Then why, why did you break that board in woodshop?

I'm afraid of the power saw.

Oh, come on, Jasper, I'd like to see you break that board.

- Yeah. - Come on, Jasper.

- For me, please? - Yeah, come on, Jasper.

- Well-- - Won't you do it?

Okay.

Oh, show a little parlor trick and all the girls swoon.

I mean, call me old-fashioned but I still prefer

to attract women by personality.

[scoffs] Now that would be a parlor trick.

[laughs]

Hyah!

- Jasper! - That was so good.

Okay, big deal. I could've done that.

Yeah!

(Eric) Yeah, right.

I'm sure you could, Dennis. It's all physics and psychology.

It just involves concentration, balance and focus.

I know that. Show him how to do it, Arvid.

Uh, uh, wait, wait, wait, me? Why don't you try it?

Because, Arvid, I'm a big guy and people would expect me

to be able to break a little board.

But now if you did it, that would be really impressive.

Actually, it takes years of training

and, uh, I wouldn't recommend either of you trying it.

- Yeah, don't do it, Arvid. - Yeah, h-he's right, Arvid.

- You might hurt yourself. - Yeah.

- Yeah, you better be careful. - I'm sure you'll get hurt.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, stand back.

Yeah, back up, Bruce Lee.

- Come on, Arv, show 'em. - Alright, it's simple.

Concentration, balance, focus.

[grunts]

[screaming]

[groans]

- Oh! - Oh, are you okay?

Careful.

Here it is.

"Colbert Products to roll out new fragrance

"at a Waldorf Astoria bash on the 14th.

"Among those attending will be Donald Trump, Liz Taylor

and the Ode To Ashley namesake, Ashley Summerfield."

The 14th is tomorrow night.

I'll go to the party, we'll meet, we'll talk

and she'll see that I'm the guy she's looking for.

Alan, half of New York tries to crash those parties.

The place is gonna be mobbed by reporters and security guards--

That's it. I'll pretend I'm a photographer.

Aristotle.

You're into photography. I need a camera.

- What kind of camera? - Who cares?

I just wanna look like Jimmy Olsen.

You already do.

[instrumental music]

Arvid, I'm so sorry. I tried to warn you.

Oh, don't worry, Jasper, it's not your fault.

It's Dennis' fault.

You big cry baby. It's just a sprain.

I think you went a little overboard with the gauze.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, thank you, Doogie Howser.

I should have explained.

It's hard to keep your hands centered.

In fact, I find it easier to break a board

with the crown of my head because it's more central.

Oh, but of course, you shouldn't try that.

Don't worry, I-I need my head. It gives me height.

W-wait a second. Jasper, you can break a board with your head?

Well, yes.

Hey. This I've gotta see.

Does anybody have a board from shop?

No, but I got a meatloaf from home ec.

Here, Jasper, why don't you use this?

Hey, hey, that's my shop project.

What? It's just a piece of lumber.

It's a shelf.

[all gasping]

[indistinct chatter]

You know, you could do that.

No, I couldn't.

Sure, you can. If Jasper can, you can.

I.. You think so?

[instrumental music]

But, Mr. Moore, Dr. Mudd was just following

the Hippocratic Oath.

That's true, but because he set

the broken leg of John Wilkes Booth

he was still convicted of conspiracy

to assassinate Lincoln.

Alan, I, I hope you don't mind. We have started without you.

That's okay.

Excuse me, Mr. Moore, do you smell something?

- 'Yeah, what is it?' - Now that you mentioned--

It's him!

Hey, Alan, if you smell that good in my neighborhood

you better be wearing fishnets and a miniskirt.

It's Ode To Ashley for men.

My eyes are watering.

Guess what, everybody.

I met Ashley Summerfield last night.

- Yeah, right. - Oh, come on.

You-you went ahead anyway

even after I told you my Rhonda Fleming story?

That's exactly why I knew I had to go.

But, Alan, how could you miss the point

of the Rhonda Fleming story?

I mean, I thought it was full-proof.

Hey, maybe you should have told him your Dale Evans story, huh?

Hey, so, Alan, details? Details?

- Yeah, come on. What happened? - Yeah.

Once I got inside the ballroom of the Waldorf

I hid my camera and started telling people I was a Kennedy.

Which one?

- Sven. - Sven Kennedy?

- Mm-hmm. - 'Sven?'

Well, there's so many of them. What's one more?

Then I saw her.

My God, she was beautiful.

Uh, she was dancing with some big, burly perfume buyer

named Klaus, a-and he was making a-a fool of himself

on the dance floor so suddenly, Ashley grabs my hand and says

"Pretend you're with me."

Chalk it up to that Kennedy charisma.

We started dancing and talking.

Uh, she was very impressed that I'm going to Harvard.

By going to Harvard

you mean going to be going to Harvard

in the future, of course.

- Not exactly. - 'So what happened?'

- Yeah, what happened? - What happened, Alan?

Okay, after about an hour or so

we snuck out and she offered me a ride home in her limo.

It was the most romantic evening of my life.

Oh, when she dropped me off at home

she gave me a little something to remember her by.

- If you know what I mean? - Wow!

You mean Ode To Ashley for men.

- 'Yeah.' - 'Alright, alright.'

Not to mention, a coupon worth $2 off

on an Ode To Ashley loofah sponge.

Alan, before you, uh, go out on a mad shopping spree

maybe you wanna join your classmates

and turn in your history report.

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, no, uh, I used my briefcase t-to carry the camera equipment.

I l-left it in the limo. My homework was in it.

Uh, Mr. Moore, I'm gonna make a call.

- What? - Congratulations, man.

This whole story just to cover up the fact

you didn't do your homework? Bravo, buddy.

[cheering and applauding]

I'm telling the truth. I'm telling the truth.

Mr. Moore, don't let him get away with this.

- No! - Don't let him do it.

Basically, Alan, you're telling me that, uh

your fashion model ate your homework, huh?

Excuse me for.. Alan, there you are, angel buns.

I've been looking all over for you.

Ashley.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

Excuse me, uh, we're in the middle of a class here.

Oh, uh, it's alright, Charlie.

We'll get back to your oral report in a minute.

He's one of my adult education students.

[gasps] Oh, good for you, Charlie.

You get that high school diploma, sweet cakes.

You know, I'd go back and get mine

but I am so busy exercising and dieting.

You know what they say, a, a behind

is a terrible thing to waste.

No, really, it's impossible to conduct a class

under these circumstances.

He's absolutely right. You can't teach without your books.

- Thanks, Ashley. - Call me later?

- Absolutely. - Great.

And thanks for last night.

[exhales]

I-I didn't believe you, man. I apologize.

And I hate you.

You know, she had such a cute little nose.

I wonder how much it costs her?

Yeah, she was sporting more plastic

than a Tupperware salesgirl.

Do I detect an air of jealousy in this room?

Alan, with your cologne, there's no air left in this room.

I am not gonna rush this thing.

I am gonna give it time to grow and blossom

until I'm in my sophomore year at Harvard.

And we get married and have our two boys and a girl.

End of story. Hallway, please.

What for?

Just a friendly little student-teacher chat.

You know, we'll figure out who's who out here.

Uh, look, Mr. Moore

I'm sorry about the adult-student thing.

As soon as our relationship develops a little more

I'll set Ashley straight.

- I appreciate that, Alan. - Hey, no problem.

You know, Alan, uh..

...the modeling world is a lot like show business

and things are not always what they seem to be.

[sighs] Uh, Mr. Moore, she was here.

- She called me angel buns. - She called me sweet cakes.

Oh, sweet cakes is not even in the same league as angel buns.

Look, Alan, I-I just don't wanna see you get carried away.

[sighs] Mr. Moore, I have a feeling

I know where this little talk is heading.

[laughs] I'm not too sure of that since you failed

to see the point of the Rhonda Fleming story.

Oh, but I did it.

You're always tellin' us to go for it.

Not to let chances pass us by.

- Yeah. - I love Ashley Summerfield.

And pretty soon, she is gonna be in love with me.

Now there's nothing that you or-or Rhonda Fleming

or Dale Evans or anybody can do to stop me.

[scoffs] Boy, Alan, you know

nothing seems to be getting through to you.

So maybe it is a good idea for you to call Ashley, okay?

And one more thing.

I told you so.

Why are you telling me that now?

I wanna tell you while you're still in a good mood.

[instrumental music]

[whistling]

Arvid, are you sure you're okay?

Oh, this? Well, there's a costume party.

And I'm going as a giant Q-Tip.

Hey, Arvid, looking goo..

Oh, I'm sorry. Aren't you that exchange student from Pakistan?

You don't start with me! This is your fault!

You talked me into this!

You wiener. Anybody could break a board.

Yeah, yeah, I'd like to see you try.

Okay. I will.

You wanna see me break a board? Fine!

How about this bench? I'll break this bench with my bare hands.

Girls, you wanna gather around and see this!

Stand back!

[grunting]

[speaking in foreign language]

Blunden, stop it! I know what you're up to.

No, you don't.

[bell rings]

Alright, move along. Come on, move it, move it.

- Back to class. - I'll see you later, guys.

I know he's up to something.

But what?

[laughs] Well, if it isn't the Teenage Mutant Ninja Nerdle.

- Aww. - Hey, guys, listen up.

I just saw Alan gettin' out of Ashley's limo.

- No! - Her limo again?

I hate this!

- What, just in front of school? - I'm serious..

Okay, Sven. What's up with you and Ashley?

- Yeah. Tell us. - Tell us what happened.

Okay, you forced it out of me.

- I spent the night with her. - Huh?

Oh, um, Alan, we don't wanna hear this.

- Yes, we do! - Yeah, we do!

Picture this.

Ashley and I are on top of the Empire State Building.

The lights of Manhattan are below us.

She is wearing this incredible evening gown

that is stuck to her like wet Kleenex.

- Just you and her? - Uh, yeah..

Except for the makeup people and the hair guy

and the set designer and the producer

and the wardrobe people.

Oh, a-and the guy who handled the ocelot.

What'd you do, Alan? Hold her coat?

No, I-I held her dachshund Fritzy.

- Oh. - Oh, you held her doggy?

Y-y-you guys don't understand.

She invited me to be a part of her world.

Yeah, the part that scoops up dachshund doo.

This is her way of saying "Alan, you are special."

- 'Oh, yeah.' - 'Yeah, holding her dog.'

[instrumental music]

(Eric) 'Woof! Woof! Woof!'

Okay, here it is, "In the story on last night's

Show People Against Natural Fur Benefit."

Oh, look.

"High so mannequin Ashley Summerfield

attended the party with date Warren Beatty."

That doesn't mean anything.

They are always exaggerating things in those tabloids.

Oh, but look, there's a picture of them together.

So what? There were a lot of people at that benefit.

They just happened to be standing next to each other.

Aristotle! He's kissing her cheeks!

- So what? - From the inside!

Oh!

I just hope Alan hasn't seen this.

- Oh, yeah. - Mm-hmm.

Oh, you guys. Let's show a little sympathy, okay?

- Yeah. - Hey, macho man!

How was your date last night with Ashley?

Oh, fine, fine, I was in her apartment most of the evening.

[clears throat] Unfortunately, she wasn't.

Okay, so I was dog-sitting for her.

That says how much she trusts me.

It says how close we are.

Um, looks like Warren Beatty's just a little bit closer.

Big deal! At least, I wasn't in "Ishtar."

[bell rings]

Hi, Alan. How's the relationship with Ashley?

Just great. How's yours with Rhonda Fleming?

I'm sorry. It's going lousy.

Look at this, Mr. Moore. How could this happen to us?

You know, we were doing so great together.

- Well-- - Now this.

- Alan-- - I know what you're gonna say.

You're gonna say, "I told you so."

No, I was actually going to say

that this could be perfectly innocent.

Oh, grow up, Mr. Moore.

Uh, she didn't come home all night.

And I ought to know, I was at her place trying to keep

her dachshund from chewing on the extension cord.

Alan, look, she was at an important fundraiser.

Perhaps she just decided to stay up late and talk politics.

Politics?

She thinks conservative is a little black dress

with pearls.

Does that mean that you're not going to continue seeing her?

Are you crazy? I love her.

[instrumental music]

So counting Union and Confederate soldiers

more Americans died in the Civil War

'than in any other war'

and that includes World-World--

Hi, love, I wouldn't have bothered

but it's real important.

Uh, uh, what's the matter, Ashley?

I can't find Fritzy's rubber mouse.

He's impossible without it.

I washed it. It's in the draining board.

Oh.

Oh, hi. How's school going?

Oh, I'm doing fine, but I think the teacher's in hot water.

We're just gonna step out into the hall for a moment, Charlie.

Good. Good.

Listen, Ashley. We need to talk.

I know we do.

And that's why I want you to come out to my house

in the Hamptons this weekend. What do you say?

Are you kidding? It sounds great.

Oh, and would you mind picking up Fritzy at the vet on Friday?

And then meet Jerry and Carmen and Ramone at my place

and we'll all take the limo, okay?

Ashley, I would love to spend more time with you

and-and, of course, Fritzy.

But does it have to be with all those other people?

What's wrong with the gang?

Well, nothing, i-it's just, i-in your interviews

you're always talking about a little farmhouse in Vermont

with the man you love.

Oh, that. That's just PR.

So then you're not really serious?

I mean, about our relationship?

Oh, sure, someday

when the right billionaire comes along.

But right now, I just wanna have fun.

Ashley, my idea of fun

is not walking your dog or carrying your luggage

or answering your phone! I had something else in mind.

What did you have in mind?

- Never mind. - So you're not coming with us?

I don't think so. I've got homework to do.

- Homework? - That's right.

I'm a high school student.

Then why did you tell me you were a teacher?

PR.

Well, in case we don't see each other again

- I've to ask you one question. - Yes?

Are you absolutely sure

the mouse is on the drainboard?

- Yes. - Great.

See ya!

- You alright? - Oh, yeah.

We just decided to give each other a little space.

- How much space? - Length of Long Island.

Go ahead. Say it.

- Oh, I already said it. - 'No, no.'

I know you're dying to say it. Go ahead.

No, I'm not gonna say it, Alan.

I deserve it. Say it.

Alan, no.

Well, at least I did better with Ashley

than you did with Rhonda Fleming.

Don't push me, Alan.

[laughs]

Okay, Mr. Moore. You told me so.

Uh, but you've got to admit you have been living

vicariously through me.

You were just as crushed as I am.

Well, Alan, there are so many things

I could straighten out for you.

If only we had time for me to tell you my Dale Evans story.

- Maybe tomorrow, huh? - Yeah, maybe.

Okay. Come on. Alright.

'Just put it right over here, guys.'

Great.

Thank you.

Let's see.

Solid oak.

[bell rings]

Oh, sorry.

See you later.

Okay, girls, gather around and see

the magnificent Blunden

smash through solid wood with...my head.

- No, Dennis. - Dennis, Dennis.

Dennis, as a black belt, I have to advise you, don't do this.

- Yeah. - Just relax.

Everyone, look at me.

[breathes deeply]

[screams]

Ooh!

'Oh, man.'

[indistinct chatter]

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[music continues]