Original subtitles

[theme music]

What is this? Be Nice To Nerds Day?

No. Well, maybe it's that these girls have finally

looked past the pocket protector and glasses

and have seen the man within.

Arvid, congratulations.

I just heard that you're on the committee

that pick the queen for the dance.

Again, maybe that I'm on the committee

to pick the queen for the dance.

Oh, I can't believe that they still have that

stupid queen contest. You know, they should put an end to it.

Cancel the contest?

Well, why don't you just bomb Disneyland?

[laughing]

Arvid, no, these contests just reinforce the idea

that if you're not pretty, you don't count.

- It's sexist and degrading. - Mm-hm.

Yeah, but I get to judge it.

I always loved beauty contests.

When I was little, I used to dress my doll up

like Miss America.

Oh, you see, how adorable.

If you wanna be a candidate for queen

all you have to do is sign up in the office.

Oh, Arvid, I would love to be queen

but I don't think I'm the queen type.

What? Are you kidding?

You would make the perfect queen.

- You really think so, Arvid? - Hey, you'd get my vote.

W-well, if I got your vote, then I will be queen.

Well, uh, yeah, but-but, uh, uh, of course--

Queen Viki. Queen Victoria.

Hey, that does have a certain ring, doesn't it?

And when I win, I could make my acceptance speech

all about animal rights.

And all the animals that we save will owe their lives to you.

Thanks, Arvid.

- Ah. - Good morning, Arvid.

- Uh, good morning, Mr. Moore. - How's the big search coming?

- Surprisingly easy. - Well, good.

You know, that is the reason I appointed you

to the selection committee.

You are the only guy I figured

who would not take advantage of the situation.

Oh, well, thank you, Mr. Moore, and, uh

believe me, I won't betray your trust.

- Hi, Arvid. - Oh. Hi, Rhonda.

So how's that queen contest coming?

[instrumental music]

I-I guess you're entering, too, huh?

Me? No.

I could never be queen. They only pick the good girls.

Well, y-you're a good girl.

Y-you're a great girl.

Arvid, I mean good.

Oh, you mean your reputation?

Yeah.

I mean, it doesn't seem fair

that only I got the bad reputation.

Well, that's true.

Well, i-if it makes you feel any better

I-I personally have very little respect for Bill.

Or Steven Ray. Bob.

T-the Tarnower twins.

Thank you.

But most people just remember me and..

...girls like me aren't elected queen

no matter how much they want it.

And you want it?

But it's just a dream.

I mean, stuff like that doesn't happen to girls like me.

Well, uh, Rhonda, you're just the kind of girl

who should have her dreams come true.

Like being queen?

- Absolutely. - You'd make me queen?

That's the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me, Arvid.

- Thank you. - 'I-I..'

Of course, you're welcome, but I-I..

- Ah! - Arvid, I've gotta talk to you.

It's about something that's very important to you.

- Huh? - Come on.

What, uh.. Oh!

- Come on. Come on. - Wait, Da-Darlene, what..

What is so important to me?

Oh, did I say to you? I meant to me.

Anyway, it's about this contest.

Arvid, I think I'd make a perfect queen.

Why does this not surprise me?

Well, just sign up in the office

and your application will be considered

along with the others.

Well, Arvid.

See, I know that's how all the others girls do it.

But if I'm considered just like all the other girls

well, there's a slim chance that I wouldn't win.

- No. - Yes.

And I don't like it when I don't win.

So I was thinking

maybe you could arrange it so we could just--

Yeah-yeah, no, I-I couldn't!

Okay.

I guess I'll have to play hardball.

Now I didn't wanna have to resort to this.

And of course, if I were queen

I wouldn't have time to be thinking about

oh, embarrassing things from your past.

Hey-hey-hey, you-you have, you have nothing on me.

Everything embarrassing I've done has been public knowledge.

Oh, really.

Then everybody knows what my friend Jeff told me.

Well, you know Jeff, don't you, Arvid?

He works at Rent-a-video.

'See, it's his job to keep a complete record'

'of all the tapes that people rent there.'

Does "Buns Of The Magnificent Seven" ring a bell?

You'll make a beautiful queen.

Thank you, Arvid.

[instrumental music]

So the current interest payments alone

on the national debt are almost as large

as the total national budget for 1970.

So is the amount of lunch money Dennis owes me.

[bell rings]

Okay, listen, before you go, uh

how are preparations for the dance coming?

- Oh, well.. - It's okay.

Because Dr. Samuels is forcing me to chaperone this thing

doesn't mean I'm gonna do all the work, okay?

Oh, come on, Mr. Moore, don't worry.

We won't let you down.

Okay. So, uh, Eric, how is the publicity coming?

Oh, glad you reminded me.

Listen up. Big dance. Friday night. School gym.

Eric, uh, they already know about it.

The point of publicity is to inform others of it.

No problem. Tell all your friends.

Eric, uh, can you and I have a meeting about this

after school today?

T.J., uh, is all the music picked up?

How should I know?

Because I put you in charge.

Oh, now I get it.

Man, I thought you said the music

will be provided by a DJ, not T.J.

[laughing]

- So you've done nothing at all? - No.

Perhaps you can join Eric for our little meeting

after school today.

No problem, you're the boss.

Don't worry about the food, Mr. Moore.

I got it all taken care of.

See my Uncle Tony owns a restaurant

and he's gonna give us a great deal.

What kind of a deal?

We're gonna have platano maduro, arroz con pollo

carnitas, the works. All for $4 a head.

$4 a head? Where is this restaurant?

Well, right now, he's on 181 Street

but he can push it down here anytime.

Right. I-I'll be at the meeting after the meeting.

Yeah.

Well, Arvid, you seem to be the only one

taking your assignment seriously.

[chuckles]

Yeah, well, uh, M-Mr. Moore

let me, let me pose a, a hypothetical question

about this queen contest thing.

Uh, what if, let's say, three girls

got the mistaken impression that I, I'd vote for them?

How did they somehow get that impression?

- I told them. - Oh, Arvid.

I-I-I didn't mean to, but, well..

Well, Viki's so cute and Rhonda's so cute and..

...I'm afraid of Darlene.

Well, Arvid, uh, I personally think

these contests are silly and stupid

and demeaning for all involved.

But if I wanted someone to take advantage of this situation

I-I could've picked Dennis.

I-I-I know, but, hey-hey, I only gave away the queenship

he-he would've sold it 20 bucks a pop.

Well, now you want me to get you out of this?

Well, I-I don't have a magic formula, okay?

I think you simply have to tell each of the girls the truth

and that is the only way that you're gonna get out of it.

Oh, Mr. Moore, there's gotta be another way out.

No, I don't think so.

Well, I don't think Fillmore

offers a semester at CE program.

Okay, alright, alright, the next candidate

for queen is, uh, Viki Amory. She's candidate number five.

Now does anybody wanna say, you know, anything on her behalf?

Uh, I recommend Viki wholeheartedly.

She's an excellent student and well-liked by her peers.

Thank you, Arvid. Um..

Okay, our next candidate is Darlene Merriman.

Anybody have any thoughts?

I recommend Darlene wholeheartedly.

She-she's an excellent student and-and well-liked by her peers.

Hey, broken record, you can't keep saying the same thing

about every candidate.

I was only gonna say it about one more.

Look, if you keep up like this, we'll end up with no queen.

No queen. Really?

- We-we could do that? - No, we can't do that.

Arvid, why wouldn't we want a queen?

B-because people came to this country to escape royalty.

Arvid, beauty contests are as American as apple pie.

There is nothing more wholesome.

Alright, we got the next candidate here, Susan Davidson.

Now there is a cute little Barbie doll there.

Uh, cute little Barbie doll?

Uh, Dr. Samuels, everyone, with, with-with all due respect

I am highly insulted.

Th-th-this whole contest is-is demeaning to women.

And-and-and it's silly and stupid.

I say it's high time we unchain these sexist shackles.

What's he talking about?

Well, now that you mention it, I have heard

a lot of the students complaining about the contest

and maybe it is demeaning.

Right on, sister!

I mean, after all, women should be admired

for their intelligence or their achievements

their courage and--

Hey, Miss Meara, what are you talking about now?

She's right.

Women shouldn't be admired just 'cause they may have

uh, petulant lips, lean, tanned thighs

firm, high buttocks.

Alright! That's it!

You tell the cheerleaders no more somersaults.

Alright, and while we're at it why don't we just go ahead

and abolish this contest?

No! No-no-no, wait-wait, now, wait a minute!

Let's not get carried away here now.

[all clamoring]

Well, I can't believe it. They actually canceled the contest.

Yeah, it's great. Everybody's happy about it.

- I know. - Yeah.

- Hey, Arvid. - Oh, hi, Mr. Moore.

Guess you lucked out, huh? No contest.

Hey, ain't life funny?

- What happened? - Oh, uh, Dr. Samuels.

Y-you know, he's got a real sensitivity

toward women's issues.

- What a saint. - Yeah.

I don't suppose you had any influence on his decision.

[chuckles] Mr. Moore, I-I-I am shocked, y-your attitude.

I-I would've thought that you of all people

would have a-applauded the end to this archaic practice

of parading female flesh around like so many pieces of meat.

I mean, women are to be respected, cherished.

Arvid, Miss Meara told me what happened.

Uh, just like a woman. Can't keep their mouth shut.

[laughs]

- Unlike you. - Uh, yeah.

You really think you're gonna get away with this?

Well, I got a shot.

T-that is, if I can count on you not to tell anyone.

Oh, my lips are sealed.

As is your fate.

Oh, do you have your tickets for the dance yet?

No, I don't think I'm going.

It's not gonna be as much fun now

that they canceled the queen contest.

Oh! Oh, how about you, Viki? Are you going to the dance?

If you want, I've got some tickets left.

What's the point now that they canceled the queen contest?

Boy, listen to you two, from the way you're talking

you think you were gonna win.

- I was! - I was!

Well, you'd certainly win the ego portion of the contest.

No, Sarah. I--

Viki, what do you mean you were gonna win?

Well, I guess it doesn't matter anymore. I may as well tell you.

Arvid told me that he was going to choose me.

Well, you must have misunderstood him.

See, Arvid said he was gonna swing the vote my way.

Arvid said that you would be queen?

- Yeah. - Wait a minute.

Arvid told me I was gonna win.

You too?

Wasn't that cute?

Arvid told all three of us the same thing.

He's dead meat.

[instrumental music]

Arvid, are you going to the dance Friday night?

Oh, no, no. I-I never do too well at those things.

And last year, I spent most of the evening

doing the twist with Nurse McKinley.

Hm. No, no, she retired this year.

Well, I was going and I was wondering

if you would like to be my date?

- A-a-are you kidding? - Of course not.

After all, you were on the committee

that canceled the queen contest.

You must have had something to do with it.

Me? N-n-n-no, I-I-I, I had nothing to do with it.

Oh, Arvid, Arvid. Don't be so modest.

You have opened my eyes to the fact

that women shouldn't be treated like sex objects.

[chuckles] Well, when you feel strongly about women's rights as I do.

- I find that so exciting. - Oh.

Most men just think of me as some kind of a boy toy.

A plaything to be used for their enjoyment

for hour after hour after hour.

Oh, no, it never, it never crossed my mind.

Pick me up at 8:00.

[chuckles] Yes, yes, yes!

- Hi, Arvid. - Hi, Rhonda.

Wanna go to the dance with me on Friday?

I, oh, oh, I can't!

I guess it was stupid of me to ask.

Of course, you wouldn't wanna be seen with me.

N-n-no, of-of course, I wanna be seen with you.

I-I like you, Rhonda, and I respect you, but..

Any guy in the right mind will be proud

to go to the dance with you.

Great. Pick me up at 8:15.

Okay, I..

Oh! Oh! Oh!

- Hi, Arvid. - H-hi, Darlene.

I want you to take me to the dance.

Uh, I-I couldn't. I-I can't.

Oh, really? Read my lips.

- "Buns Of The Magnificent--" - I'll pick you at 8:30!

♪ Put your glad rags on and join me hon ♪

♪ We'll have some fun when the clock strikes 1:00 ♪

♪ We're gonna rock around the clock tonight ♪

♪ We're gonna rock rock rock till broad daylight ♪

♪ We're gonna rock gonna rock around the clock tonight ♪

I'm not upset, Charlie.

I just thought when you said dance

I thought you meant the China Club.

Well, we'll go someplace nice later, okay?

I mean, it may not be that bad. It might actually be fun.

You know, high school has changed since we were students.

♪ Around the clock tonight ♪

[laughing]

This is going to be so much fun tonight, Arvid.

Oh, can you just do me one favor?

- Take these glasses off. - Oh, yeah, uh, alright--

- Now give me some punch. - Oh, but I can't see.

- I'll be your eyes. No. - Oh.

- Here. Lots of ice. - Ice? Oh.

Oh, uh, alright.

Oh, and I want some of those hors d'oeuvres.

See if there's spinach salad, but pick out those little

bacon bits because I don't eat meat.

Unless they're made out of soy.

Alright, s-soy.

♪ We're gonna rock gonna rock around the clock tonight ♪♪

I'm sorry, really sorry.

- Hi, Arvid. - Oh, hi, Mr. Moore.

Arvid, this is my friend Joanna Butler.

This is Arvid Engen, a student.

- Hi. - Nice to meet you.

Well, a date with Viki, Arvid, must be very exciting, huh?

[laughs] Hey, I don't know, I don't know how it happened.

I was just, uh.. She just came right up and asked me.

I-I guess women kind of go for my cool, laidback, mellow..

Wow! I gotta get out of here!

♪ Aah ya ya ya ya ♪

♪ Ya ya ya ya ya ya ♪♪

How long do we have to stay, Charlie?

You wanted to see the floor show, didn't you?

Keep your eye on the kid in the yellow sweater.

I believe I'm looking forward to this, Arvid.

Uh, y-yeah, sure.

- Would you get me some punch? - Punch? Sure.

- No ice. - Uh, no ice.

And I want those little cocktail franks.

- Uh.. - With mustard.

Brown, not yellow.

Punch with no ice, franks with mustard

brown, not yellow.

[sighs]

Hey, Aristotle?

There are other people around here besides T.J.

that would like to have their picture taken.

- Sure. - Ah.

Arvid, where have you been? It has been 20 minutes.

I, I was getting your food.

What is this?

I said lots of ice

and you expect me to eat boiled pig flesh?

Uh, right, right, right, uh, uh, punch with ice

uh, spinach salad, no bacon, no boiled pig flesh.

- Right. - Oh, uh, uh..

Oh, and take off these glasses.

- Right, right. Okay. - Arvid?

Okay.

Ooh.

Oh. Oh.

- Hi. - Hi.

Rhonda.

Where's my food?

Uh, it, um..

I was just gonna get it.

Take off that tie. It's so nerdy.

- Really? - Yeah.

[instrumental music]

Arvid, why are you so nervous? I'm not going anywhere.

In fact, I'm not gonna leave your side all night.

Oh, joy.

Uh, I, y-y-you want some punch, don't you?

- Well, that would be nice. - Okay.

- Ice on the side. - On the side.

Oh, and Arvid, I think I'll have some hors d'oeuvres.

But I'm kind of picky about what I eat.

Oh, aren't you all? Uh, uh, a-aren't we all?

- I want breast of chicken. - Chicken.

- But please peel the skin. - No skin.

And a small green salad with sesame seed dressing

but hold the sesame seeds.

No seeds.

And, Arvid, comb back your hair!

This is supposed to be the '50s.

- Hey! - And put on your tie.

Okay. Alright.

♪ Too real is this feeling of make-believe ♪

♪ Too real when I feel what my heart can't conceal ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ Yes I'm the great pretender ♪

♪ Just laughin' ♪

So...what about my food?

Food? Yes.

Food.

♪ You see I'm wearing my heart like a crown ♪

- Thank you. - Oh, Arvid.

- How's it goin'? - I'm fine, uh..

Hey, chicken with no skin.

- I must have missed this. - Hey, don't.

They-they-they.. No, no, no!

Yo, everybody! This dance is ladies' choice.

So all you girls grab that dude

and pull him and his ducktail out onto the dance floor.

♪ Can't conceal ♪ ♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ Yes I'm the great pretender ♪

♪ Just laughing and gay like a clown ♪

♪ I seem to be ♪

- Oh! - Whoa!

♪ You see I'm wearing ♪♪

This ain't your best..

[laughs]

Oh, I.. Oh, I was, oh, the glass..

[mumbling]

O-okay! That's it! That's it. I'm sorry!

I've been duplicitous and dishonest

and I-I can't take this anymore!

You're not gonna believe this

'but I invited all three of you to the dance tonight.'

[gasping]

You did what?

That's it, Arvid. Take me home.

- Take me home. - No, take me home.

Alright, alright, alright.

Uh, Darlene, you live uptown

so I-I'll take you home first.

Then-then, Viki, you're on the way to Rhonda's, so I suppose--

Don't even bother taking me home, Arvid.

I may as well get used to walking the streets.

And to think I was planning on going to college

and becoming a doctor and achieving my greatest goal

of becoming Mrs. Arvid Engen.

But now that you've betrayed me, what's the point?

I think I'll become a fallen woman.

Oh, Rhonda. No, don't fall, don't fall.

I thought that you were different.

I thought you were sensitive.

You're nothing but an imitation Alan Alda.

Good thing I found out now.

And to think I was this close to giving myself to you.

I'll get right back to you, Rhonda.

Please, Viki, I am sensitive!

Oh, God, no.

You know, Arvid, I'm a very jealous woman.

And when I'm wronged, I get vindictive.

Excuse me, everybody.

Does anybody know the movie "Buns Of The Magnificent?"

[Arvid screams]

Well, is, uh, everyone having a good time?

Uh..

[chuckles]

We're having a great time, Mr. Moore.

Yeah, um, I think we've had enough fun for tonight.

- Yeah. - Yeah, girls.

We set the whole thing up, Arvid.

- It was just a little joke. - Yeah.

[all laughing]

[instrumental music]

Yo! It's sad but true. Time now for the last dance.

And it's gentlemen's choice, so don't blow your chance.

Grab your favorite poodle skirt and dance!

[all cheering]

Do you wanna dance?

(all) Sure!

♪ Do you wanna dance and hold my hand? ♪

♪ Tell me baby I'm your lover man ♪

♪ Oh baby ♪

♪ Do you wanna dance? ♪

♪ Well do you wanna dance under the moonlight? ♪

♪ Squeeze me baby all through the night ♪

♪ Oh baby do you wanna dance? ♪

♪ Oh do you want to dance under the moonlight? ♪

♪ Squeeze me all through the night ♪

♪ Oh baby.. ♪♪

[Bobby Freeman singing "Do You Wanna Dance?"]

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Well do you wanna dance and hold my hand? ♪

♪ Call me your lover man ♪

♪ Oh baby do you wanna dance? ♪

♪ Well do you wanna dance under the moonlight? ♪

♪ Squeeze and hug me all through the night ♪

♪ Oh baby do you wanna dance? ♪

♪ Well do you wanna.. ♪♪