Original subtitles

[theme music]

(Charlie) 'Good morning. Well, looks like you all turned in your reports.'

Thank you very much.

"The military career of Douglas MacArthur

"by T.J. Jones.

'"General MacArthur was a West Point grad.'

"In the second World War, he was really bad.

'"When the enemy attacked and the jungle was burning'

he said, "See you later, dudes. I'll be returning."

[indistinct chatter]

I didn't write that, Mr. Moore.

Yeah, I know. You rap a lot better than this.

Alright, guys! Who took my paper?

- Here it is. - Oh, Dennis..

- Why did you do that? - Oh, come on.

You guys thought it was funny. You were laughing.

Do you know how hard it is for a Swiss guy

to write funky like that?

T.J., you're not laughing.

That's it, Blunden! You and me, after school!

- For a date? - No, a fight!

A fight?

T.J., you're a...girl.

Yeah, and you're dead meat. 3 o'clock, Blunden. I am--

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Sit down. Let's just forget about it.

Oh, I'll forget about it, at approximately 3:05.

That's how long it'll take me to beat his butt.

T.J., just behave yourself.

- Yes. - Make that 3:04.

'Cause I forgot he has less butt to beat than he used to.

[instrumental music]

"And then in 1950, J. Edgar Hoover

"instituted his famous Ten Most Wanted list.

"Interestingly, the idea was suggested to him

"by the fashion designer who created

the ten best-dressed women list."

Hey, Darlene, rob a bank, you can make both lists.

[bell ringing]

Okay, we'll, uh, continue with Darlene's report tomorrow.

Uh, T.J..

Uh, yeah?

Listen, when I finally got to your actual report

I was very impressed. It's definitely IHP material.

Huh. Thanks, Mr. Moore.

But about this little flare-up

with Dennis, uh..

You're not actually gonna fight with him, are you?

Oh, I'm not gonna touch him in school, Mr. Moore.

But with all due respect, what happens in the streets

is between me and Blunden.

T.J., it's just Dennis.

You know, he pulls these thoughtless pranks on everyone.

Not on me, he doesn't.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Arvid, relax. There's not gonna be any fight.

Oh, Dennis, you can't be too careful. Now, look.

Here's a list of my favorite hiding places.

Forget it, Arvid. I'm not gonna spend the rest of my day

hiding in a men's room balanced on a toilet seat.

It's not that hard. Wear rubber-soled shoes.

You expect me to hide from a girl?

- Dennis, you still here? - Yes, I'm still here. Why?

Come on. T.J. is not gonna beat me up. And you wanna know why?

'Cause I'm not dumb enough to get into a fight with a girl.

It's a no-win situation, if I hit her, then I'm a jerk

'cause I hit a girl, and if she beats me up,

then I'm humiliated. So I'm not gonna fight her.

Oh, oh, I get it. You guys are tryin' to scare me?

Well, it's not gonna work. I can handle myself.

How many fights have you had?

- Uh, well.. - Yeah.

- Uh, uh, none. - Well..

- No. No. - No.

Well, I've had a lot, and I seen T.J. fight, man.

She goes crazy. I mean, she could really mess you up.

Mess you up.

You're not talkin' about weapons, are you?

She doesn't need any weapons.

You know Abe Tomasulo?

Who, the guy with the big scar on his face?

Yeah. Now, he's got a scar on his face.

- Oh. - Good luck, man.

Nah.

[clears throat]

"Number two. Underneath the dumpster."

- Forget it, Arvid! - Alright.

Alright. I don't have to do this, Blunden.

Let's go, right now.

Aristotle, what are you doing?

Defending the honor of my woman.

- Your woman? - 'That's right.'

So come on. Let's go.

No. Aristotle, stop it.

I'm not gonna fight you for this. Stop it!

- You're not gonna fight me? - No!

- Thanks. - No problem.

- So now what do you wanna do? - Uh, apologize to her.

Alright, you got it. Hey.

Uh, T.J.?

Look, about the little prank

I pulled on you this morning, it was just a joke.

That was my way of saying, "Welcome to the IHP."

Now, come on. No hard feelings. What do you say?

Ow! Alright. That's it!

Fight is off!

No, it's not, Blunden. 3 o'clock!

Oh.

T.J., the man just apologized to you.

- So? - So, you should've accepted it.

Just because a few other kids laughed at you--

Oh, what business is it of yours?

Look, I like you.

It just hurts me to see you angry, alright?

Of course I've never seen you any other way.

[instrumental music]

Are you in trouble again?

No, I'm just, uh, waiting to talk to Dr. Samuels

about some things.

But now that you're here, Mr. Moore, uh..

How would you feel about trying to talk to T.J. for me, huh?

You know, I've warned you before.

One of these days you're gonna

pull one of your little...numbers

on the wrong person.

Now, it seems you've found

the right wrong person.

I don't believe this. You were there.

It was just a joke.

Live by the joke, die by the joke.

Oh, maybe you should talk to Dr. Samuels tomorrow.

He's got a square dance lesson tonight, Dennis.

No, it can't wait.

- Doctor.. - I haven't got time, Dennis.

...Samuels.

I forged the letter to the Board Of Education.

Which one?

The one where you requested a transfer to the South Bronx.

- You did that? - Yes, sir.

I don't know why you are confessing, Blunden.

But that was a particularly painful two weeks in my life.

Okay, you got it. Detention starting today.

- Thank you, sir. - No, Dr. Samuels.

Detention is full today.

- What? Okay! - What?

- Starting Monday. - But tha--

Thirty days!

[instrumental music]

Come on, place your bets. Place your bets.

- Five to one on T.J. - Yeah, yeah, let me get, uh..

One, two.. Three bucks on T.J.

Eric. Eric! This is Dennis we're talking about.

- You're right. - Make it six bucks.

- Okay. - 'Alright.'

You know, I have never been to a street fight before.

I hope what I'm wearing is okay.

[no audio]

[indistinct chatter]

Oh. Hey, you guys. They're here.

- Oh. - Shh.

Alright, Dennis, just remember.

Keep your left hand up, and when she hits you

fall down and start crying.

Thanks, Arvid. I have my own fight plan.

I'm surprised you showed up, Blunden.

- Well, I'm here and I'm ready. - Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You guys aren't really gonna go through with this, are you?

Yeah, T.J., y-you're blowin' this way out of proportion.

Step off!

T.J., I think she may be right.

I mean, before we start this, I mean, what do you say?

I'm sorry for the prank. Now come on.

[shrieking]

Aa-a-ah!

T.J., I thought you said you were gonna knock his head off.

You're asking for it now, Blunden!

- Hey, hey, hey. - Hey, T.J.

- God! - Ow, my eye..

[indistinct chatter]

Ow, it's my eye.

Aah!

- Oh, see how it came off. - Oh, Dennis.

Hey, T.J., whatever you do don't hit him below the belt.

[all laugh]

You're gonna get it right now, Blunden!

- T.J., stop! - Hold it. Hold it. Hold it.

- You alright? - I don't know, Mr. Moore.

I think she might have knocked one of my teeth loose.

[all laughing]

T.J., T.J.

Okay. Okay. Hold it down. Okay. The fun is over.

This isn't funny!

And I'm gonna get you for this, Blunden.

And I hate all of you!

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

[instrumental music]

Alright, Alan, $5 in five-to-one odds

that's 25 bucks you owe me. Pay up, Pinkard.

It's Pinkard, and forget it, Dennis.

Spitting out Chicklets does not constitute a fight.

- Yeah. - Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, could you guys believe the look on her face

when my hand hit the ground?

Dennis, enough. Enough, okay?

You outsmarted her, and, yes, it was very clever.

But, you guys, I think that T.J.'s feelings were very hurt.

- Yeah. I think so too. - Yeah, I agree.

- 'Oh, hi, T.J.' - 'Good morning, T.J.'

(Simone) 'Hi, T.J.'

Yo, man, go smooth it over with her.

Why? She's the one who wanted to beat me up.

- Just.. - Come on. Alright. Fine.

T.J., well, let's forget about this whole thing, huh?

Come on.

(Simone) 'Oh, come on, T.J.'

I mean, you don't really hate us, do you?

- Yeah. - Come on, T.J.

Just stay away from me, everybody?

I'm here to do my work, I'll find my friends elsewhere.

[bell ringing]

Well, good morning, everyone.

- 'Good morning, Mr. Moore.' - 'Good morning.'

Listen, before you dive excitedly into your notebooks

uh, I'm gonna start with something

a little different today.

What's up, Mr. Moore?

Well, I'd like to, uh, begin today's lesson

with a laugh by none other than Paul Revere.

Patriot, Silversmith..

And a political cartoonist.

Exactly. He's right.

Uh, the, uh, the top one here is an example of Mr. Revere's work.

Well, at least we know the British didn't die

laughing, huh?

Okay, so, it's not exactly Doonesbury.

But it is one of the earliest examples

'of American political humor.'

And that's a tradition that's still alive

and kicking today.

Now, as you look through the rest of them

you're gonna see Ronald Reagan, Franklin Roosevelt

Harry Truman, Abraham Lincoln

Napoleon, King George.

See, every political figure has been the target of humorists.

You didn't bring any Richard Nixon cartoons.

I have a bad back.

- That's not funny, Mr. Moore. - Okay, Alan.

Uh, what about when Dan Aykroyd used to play Jimmy Carter

on the old "Saturday Night Live"?

- Now, that was funny. - Mm-hmm.

And when he played Richard Nixon?

Not funny.

Okay, Mr. Moore. What's the point?

Well, the point is that we all have our favorite targets.

But just because someone is important

that does not exempt them from being a target.

Now to prove this point, uh, I'd like to give you

an assignment for tomorrow. I want you to make fun of me.

- What? - What?

Uh, you mean, like constructive criticism?

No. No, I mean ridicule parody, satire...you know..

Wait, let me get this straight.

You want a written report on what a jerk you are?

No. Doesn't have to be written.

You know, you have given us some bizarre assignments before.

I mean, but this one is infantile, sophomoric

and utterly asinine.

Are you calling me utterly asinine?

- Oh. No, sir. - That's too bad.

Could've had an A.

[all laugh]

[instrumental music]

[bell ringing]

Remember, tomorrow is

"Trash The Teacher" day.

Ah, just like every other day

only this time to your face.

- Oh! - Oh!

- Just getting an early start. - Uh-huh.

Too early. Get out.

[indistinct chatter]

I know what you're trying to accomplish with this assignment.

And I'll tell you right now, it's not gonna work.

- Oh? - No.

T.J. does not have a sense of humor.

I'm telling you, the girl can't take a joke.

Uh, well, I guess you'd know.

You've humiliated her twice in one day.

Hey, if she is that thin-skinned

she's not gonna make it very long in the IHP.

I mean, come on, Mr. Moore.

We rank on each other pretty good in here.

Yeah, you're right.

She can dish it out, but she can't take it

the way that a self-centered, unfunny blowhard like you can.

What did you call me?

Hey, I was just joking.

[instrumental music]

I love this school, I mean, in Pro-Q school

if you made fun of a teacher

they gave you 300 years in purgatory.

Oh, Viki, what a lovely pie.

- Is it for Home Ec? - No, it's for history.

Oh. Must be a very old pie.

[both laugh]

- Old pie. - Thank you very much.

Oh, so, uh, what's the occasion?

I'm gonna throw it on Mr. Moore's face.

What did she say?

She said she's gonna throw the pie on Mr. Moore's face.

[instrumental music]

So is, uh, everyone prepared to make me look ridiculous?

- Mm-hmm. - Yep.

Looks like mother nature beats us to it.

- 'Whoa!' - Good. It's good.

[all laughing]

Good morning.

- 'Good morning.' - 'Good morning, Mr. Moore.'

Sorry, I'm late, I was in an ACLU rally

to let criminals out of jail and raise taxes

so we could give them a federal handouts.

Well, before I begin trashing Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan

George Bush and Dan Quayle..

...would anyone like to go into the hall

and open up to me about a personal problem?

No? Huh! Okay.

[all laughing]

Well, then, uh, I'd like to see your assignments.

Ah...Viki.

It's for Mr. Moore, Alan.

I am Mr. Moore. Let's have it.

Okay.

[laughing and cheering]

Ah.

[laughing]

Look what she did, Mr. Moore. What're you gonna do about it?

Oh, uh, you're Mr. Moore.

Uh, if I were you, I'd give her an A.

[laughing]

[instrumental music]

"Ode to Mr. Moore, by Simone Foster."

[clearing throat]

"There once was a teacher named Moore

"who could be just a bit of a bore.

"Your homework, quoth he, is to make fun of me.

For I'd rather you sneer than you snore."

[laughing]

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Moore.

I mean, I don't really think you're boring.

It's just that I needed something that would rhyme

with Moore. You know, Moore, bore, snore..

No, it's fine. It's fine, Simone. Really.

It was very clever.

I mean, there are other words

that rhyme with my name like adore and amore and..

No, I'll treasure it forever.

Okay. Who wants to go next?

Uh, wait, Mr. Moore, I'll go next.

No, my pay check says "Teacher." I'll go next.

Why don't you both go next?

Hey, wait a sec, that guy looks like me.

I thought I was a dummy in this act.

So, Mr. Moore, do you like, uh..

You really enjoy teaching this class, don't you?

Are you kidding? These nerds? They're all smarter than me.

Do you know how hard it is pretending

I know more than they do?

Nothing, okay.

[laughing]

Well, I don't care, I want to be an actor. Listen to this.

"Oh, the world's a stage and so is my Cousin Larry."

[laughs]

Now, Mr. Moore, you know

your cracks are startin' to burn my butt.

Oh, yeah? You know what burns my butt?

- No, what? - A flame about this high.

Aah!

[all laughing]

Mr. Moore, let me just ask you one thing.

How come you always wear loud ties like this?

Are you kidding? It's a white tie. This class makes me sick.

[belching]

[all laughing]

Okay, that's it. Applause, applause.

[applauding and cheering]

Very good.

Get the hook. Get the hook.

Ah, I thought they were both very good.

I'm talkin' about you.

[all laugh]

Who's gonna go next? T.J.?

Um, I'm not gonna do this, Mr. Moore.

Well, it's a class assignment.

Okay then, I'll take an F, I guess.

Okay, so wh-what is the problem?

I-I just don't think people should make fun of other people

okay?

Well, I think everybody in here can attest to your ability

with a put down.

Look, I don't want to stand in front of the whole class

and have everybody laugh at me.

Don't you mean laugh at me?

I-i-if it doesn't bother me, what..

You're worried maybe that, uh, they will be laughing at you?

I can't help it, Mr. Moore.

I mean, where I come from, if people are laughing at you

that means you're weak.

And if people think you're weak..

...that's bad news. I mean, real bad news.

You know, you ought to keep your guard up.

You gotta be in control.

And if anyone's gonna be made a fool

you better make damn sure it's the other guy.

I mean, maybe that's wrong, I don't know.

That's just the way I am.

Okay, Dennis, uh, why don't you go next?

Well, uh, I think enough people have

gotten hurt around here this week.

And I'm getting kinda tired of it.

So, I really think it's time we put an end

to all these jokes. And we, we tried..

Krazy Glue?

[all laughing]

Krazy Glue in my chair. That's really funny.

Really, really funny. Who did it, alright?

Oh, T.J., it was you, wasn't it?

You did this to get back at me!

Well, I don't think it's very funny.

Arvid, get me out of this. Come on.

But, Dennis..

Help me out of this chair.

Shut up. It's not funny.

'Come on! Well, just..'

Ow! Ow!

[all screaming]

[all laughing]

Dennis, now you're the butt of the joke.

[bell ringing]

That was pretty funny, wasn't it?

- Yeah. - T .J..

How did you get the glue in his seat

without him noticing?

T.J., you really had us goin'

with that big heartfelt speech you gave.

Yeah, we really thought you were upset.

Had you goin'? She had me fooled.

And I'm goin' out with the girl.

- You are? - Well, if you want to.

- Later. - Sure.

Ah, Mr. Moore.. Thanks.

- Uh.. What for? - Oh, you know what, the glue.

I mean, that was a stroke of genius.

Well, yeah, and it was pretty good, wasn't it?

I mean, uh, you got a chance to save face

and we all had a laugh at Dennis' expense.

And...well, you seem to be feeling better.

But there's just one thing wrong.

- What? - Well, I didn't do it.

- What? - No joke.

W-wait a minute. I mean, that's impossible.

If I didn't do it and you didn't do it

then who did it?

Oh.

- Blunden. - Uh, yeah?

Thanks.

I-I, uh, I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, yeah, right, you just happen to have

an extra pair of pants in your locker

in case someone were to accidently glue

your butt to the chair.

Them? I just, uh, I, uh..

I felt bad about the other day, T.J.

and you know me.

What am I going to do? Send you roses?

So I, uh, just thought I'd make it up to you

with a little joke.

That's funny, 'cause, you know

we're-we're a lot alike in some ways.

- Come on, you gotta be kiddin'. - No, I'm being serious.

W-we're both afraid of people pickin' on us.

Yeah. I guess you're right.

But you know, when you do that thing with your eyeball..

- That was pretty funny. - You like that, huh?

[laughing] Actually, it was very funny.

Thanks, T.J.

So, uh, what do you say, still friends?

Hey, it was just a joke, right?

- Right. - Ah!

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Morning, T.J.

You know, you still haven't

turned in that assignment.

Oh, yeah, that's right, Mr. Moore.

I'm sorry, I promise I'll get right on it.

- Okay. - After you, sir.

Thank you.

[all laughing]

- Very nice. Very nice. - 'Bravo, T.J.'

[theme music]

[music continues]