Original subtitles

[theme music]

(Charlie) Fourteenth, fifteenth, sixteenth, century, historically

witchcraft trials have been, not only for purposes

of religious persecution, but political as well

to, to confiscate property, to get rid of an enemy, to--

Uh, Mr. Moore, could I..

[chuckles] Sorry.

So, uh...from the crusades

through the inquisition, right up to the present day..

...the name of the devil has been invoked

for political purposes.

The Ayatollah called the United States

"The Great Satan."

Ronald Reagan referred to the Soviet Union

as "The Evil Empire."

[bell rings]

I'll see you tomorrow, and don't forget

your religion and history papers

are due by 3 o'clock, Friday.

Uh, M-Mr. Moore.

Uh, can I have a little more time with my report?

- No. - That's it? No.

- Yes. - Why not?

T.J., look, if you wanna be in the IHP

you have to do the same work that the IHP does

within the same time the IHP has.

Oh, I have done the work, no problem with that.

- So the report's done? - Oh, practically.

I-I-I mean, it's done except for the cover.

- Oh, I don't need a cover. - And the last couple of pages.

How about those first couple of pages?

Well, I--

How about all those words in between?

I-I-I know what the words are.

I just have to put them in the right order.

Look, you are, you are this close to being in the IHP.

Now, don't blow it. I know you've worked very hard.

I-I know, but see, I was..

- T.J., 3 o'clock. Friday. - Right.

[instrumental music]

- Man, this is totally unfair. - Shh.

Well, I've been working for weeks.

I've done all the research.

Why can't I have a few more days to write it?

- I'm tired. I'm burnt out. - You're wasting time.

Well, in my old class, term papers were easy.

You'd copy a page out of the encyclopedia

and if you got the right page, you got an A.

What's your paper on, anyway?

The mythology of evil in history.

- Hmm. Sounds very intriguing. - Yeah.

So, what's the problem?

Well, if I don't do a good job

I don't get into the IHP.

So I gotta make it interesting.

You know, if you wanna talk about concepts of evil

you gotta talk about the main man.

- Yeah. - Yeah. Beelzebub.

- Beelze-who? - Beelzebub, T.J.

It's another name for the devil. Look it up in the card catalog.

"Beelzebub.

See Mephistopheles, Lucifer, the devil."

[scoffs] I'd like to see the devil.

I'd like him to write my paper for me.

I'd sell my soul for that paper.

You called?

[gasps]

My card.

Bill Z. Bub.

Wait a minute, if you're the devil, what're you doin' here?

My beeper went off. You call, I come.

Okay, let's get down to business.

W-w-what do you want from me?

Kid, I'm here to help you. You wanna get in the IHP, don't you?

You can get me in the honors program?

"Honor," such an ugly word.

But if that's what you want, sweetheart, I'm here for you.

Look, I'm almost in, all I got to do is

write a great history paper by 3 o'clock, Friday.

Yeah. Which you haven't even started yet.

- Well, see, I m-- - That's alright.

You can lie to me. I like it. I like it.

Listen, uh, is that all you want? The IHP?

Why stop at the history paper? How about, uh, a boyfriend?

How'd you like to be prom queen? No problem.

- Just sign this. - Huh-uh. Ho-ho-hold it.

I know what you want. You want my soul. Well, forget it, buddy.

'Cause I'm not gonna spend the rest of my life in hell.

Oh, wait a minute. Hell has got such a bad rap.

We party down there.

We swing. It's-it's-it's more like a resort, uh, Club Dead.

Okay. Well, maybe hell isn't as bad as they say.

But I'm still not gonna sell my soul to you. Hah!

Alright. No problem. Don't get in the IHP.

You can kiss college goodbye, of course.

So, T.J., how's the paper coming?

Oh, i-i-it's, it's okay.

Well, I, I-I know it's gonna be great.

I have a lot of faith in you, T.J.

But I don't wanna keep you from your work.

Remember, idle hands are the devil's playthings.

This is a big chance for you. Don't mess it up.

Oh!

"T-t-the Mythology Of Evil In History.

"A semiotic deconstruction of demonology

in the 17th century America, by T.J. Jones."

- W-where do I sign? - Mmm. Right here.

[instrumental music]

I suppose it comes as a surprise to no one

that since this is one of the greatest papers

in the history of history

that it gives me great pleasure

to welcome T.J. Jones to the IHP.

[cheering]

- Welcome, T.J. - Congratulations!

Thank you, Mr. Moore.

I-it was a long, hard climb, but hey, it was worth it.

Well, why don't you take a seat? A-any seat at all.

As a matter of fact, why don't you take my seat? Here.

- Huh. Thanks. - I'd be honored.

- Can I adjust that for you? - Oh, this is great.

Well, umm..

Today, we're gonna be talking about the 19th Amendment.

Uh, granting women the right to vote.

- This was ratified-- - By the 36th state.

- Yes, on August 26th-- - 1920.

Having been previously rejected by Georgia, Delaware, Louisiana

Marilyn, Mississippi, South Carolina and Virginia.

[indistinct chatter]

- She is amazing. - Yeah.

She's absolutely right.

I-I just feel like a fool trying to teach in your presence.

I mean..

W-would you do the honors today?

- Yeah. Sure. - 'Oh, great.'

See...I've personally found it fascinating

that before women got the vote, uh..

Mr. Moore, you might wanna jot this down too.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

President Wilson appointed a woman

as sub cabinet member back in, uh..

Bringing us to the appointment of

Sandra Day O'Connor to the supreme court.

[bell ringing]

[all groaning]

Well, we'll pick up here tomorrow.

Well, I can hardly wait.

T.J., it was just brilliant. Really, brilliant.

I was wondering if I might copy your blackboard notes

just for years and years to come.

- No problem. - Thank you. Thank you so much.

Move it, move it, will you?

You know, T.J., you've made me realize

that women are my equals.

And-and in your case, my superior.

T.J., I hate my poetry.

Will you teach me how to rap? Be my soul sister?

T.J., your hair is so great.

Will you teach me how to do that with mine?

T.J., I'm tired of being perky.

Will you show me how to get down and be bad?

- Get out of my face. - Okay. I'll try that.

Get out of my face.

Get out of my face.

- Hey.. - That's great, wow.

T.J., you'll know this.

What is the charged lepton that's found

in the second family of the particles of cosmic rays?

The muon. And in the third family, it's the tau particle.

- Of course. - I think I'm in love.

I saw her first.

Hey, T.J., do you remember when we first met, and you said

[chuckles] "See you later, equator?"

[laughing]

That was so funny.

Oh, oh, and my second favorite insult is when you said--

T.J..

I'm so sorry. L-let me.. I'll get it for you.

No, no, let me get it, I'm closer to the--

- No, no, no. Ow! - Ow!

Get off. Oh, I'll get it.

- No, no, no. - 'Hey, kids, kids.'

Come on, guys. Break it up. Break it up!

Hey, hey. I'm the teacher here. I get to give it to her.

T.J., excuse me

but I-I have a very important announcement to make.

Go ahead.

Normally, we wait until the prom date to announce the prom queen.

But this year, due to an overwhelming sentiment

it is obvious that this year's queen is

of course, T.J. Jones.

That is, that is, that is.. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

- That is, if you'll accept. - What the hay.

Please.

Theola June Jones

I hereby crown you this year's queen of the prom.

[cheering]

[instrumental music]

Am I hell on wheels or what?

I must say, you really delivered.

I mean, I'm the most popular, the smartest--

You are happening, homegirl, and you lost six pounds.

- Oh, really. Huh, thanks. - I'm glad you're happy.

Now it's time to make me happy.

- W-what do you want? - Ooh. I don't know.

- Your soul. - Now?

No. Not now. There's no rush.

Say, about, uh, 3 o'clock?

Please, I don't want to die. You know, this is really scary.

I'll tell you what's scary, these near-death experiences..

I mean, they are like, coming or not.

Half the time, they change their minds

and I'm stuck with a bowl of Bridge Mix.

Well, you know what? I made up my mind and I'm not goin'.

Uh-uh, Mr. Moore, Mr. Moore.

You know how you said we could come to you if we ever had

a personal problem or something like that?

Sure. Anything for you, T.J.

Well, this is not like I can't

get a date for the dance

or the dog ate my homework

you know, this is really major.

- Oh, sounds serious. - It is.

[laughs] I bet it is.

[laughing] Well, I'm sure I can handle it.

- Do you mind? - 3 o'clock.

Besides, whatever happened, I'm sure I've seen it before.

I-I sold my soul to the devil

and he's coming back for me at 3 o'clock.

So, when I couldn't write my paper

I sold my soul to the devil and he wrote it.

Or had Machiavelli write it or something like that.

[indistinct chatter]

T.J., don't-don't be so modest. Now you are a brilliant scholar.

- Take the credit you deserve. - Yeah.

I'm being serious. Look, here's my contract.

[gasps]

The devil did write your paper..

Mr. Moore, isn't that an automatic F?

To think, I asked you to be my soul sister.

Well, I don't need you to teach me to rap.

I can do it without

any outside assistance from you.

[snaps fingers]

[snaps fingers]

Oh, come on. You gotta understand.

I mean, this was the most important thing in my life.

My big chance to get into the IHP a-and I was like paralyzed.

I was afraid to do it and I was afraid not to do it.

But you know, I've learned my lesson.

Now, if I could only break this contract with the devil.

Break a contract with the devil?

Well, I've...been up against a tough one or two in my time.

I mean, I've handled Simone and Eric's love life.

(all) Mm-hmm.

Tried to show Dennis the error of his ways.

(all) Mmm-hmm.

It could be my biggest challenge.

Y-y-you're right. I-i-it could be.

Come on, guys, please help me, I'm running out of time.

He's gonna come get me at 3 o'clock.

Well, there are no guarantees, T.J.

I mean, we might not win this one.

But you kids could research

how to deal with this devil guy.

What do you say? Are you up to it?

I mean, the devil versus the IHP.

- Yeah! - Okay! We'll do it.

[instrumental music]

Okay, we're almost ready now.

Everybody did their research, right?

- Yeah! - Okay, look sharp.

It's almost 3 o'clock, Mr. Moore.

Yeah, so where is he?

I hope nothing happened to him.

Well, maybe he forgot.

Well, if he comes, we're ready for him.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

[thunder rumbling]

- 'Hey! Hey!' - 'Wait a minute.'

[screaming]

[intense music]

Hi, kids. Anybody want some gum?

- So, T.J., ready to go? - Now, hold it.

Nobody leaves this room without a hall pass.

Look, uh, she wants out of the deal.

Oh, what a surprise! I never heard of that before.

Surely, you've let people out before, Mr. Devil.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Pete Rose.

He wanted to be the biggest hero in baseball.

So I worked it out for him, then he wanted out.

So I let him out, who's sorry now?

Well, you're just gonna have to do it one more time

because she wants out.

What is this? Another good deed, Charlie.

Charlie, you're your own worst enemy.

You know, this goodness thing is ruining your acting career.

- What acting career? I s-- - Ah, exactly.

You know, I could have gotten you the lead in "The Graduate"

but no, you had to tell that clerk from Macy's

that she gave you back too much change.

Hoffmann looked right for that.

I-I-I'm not saying he wasn't good, but..

I would've made some really interesting choices.

Yeah, that first scene with Mrs. Robinson--

I can still make you a star, Charlie.

A lot of people in Hollywood owe me.

Don't-don't, that's, this is not about me.

- This is about T.J. - Alright.

You wanna be a loser? You'll be a loser.

Let's make it interesting, hm? Say, uh, double or nothing?

You win, you keep T.J. I win, I get T.J. and you.

- Don't do it, Mr. Moore. - Don't!

No, Mr. Moore, don't do it. Please, no.

You're on.

[all gasping]

[sighs]

You really are good. You make me sick.

You better give it your best shot, kids. Now.

Alright, Mr. Beelzebub, we've done a lot of research.

And we've learnt all the rituals to thwart your power.

'There's crystal amulets.'

'There's 13th century Latin prayers.'

'A-and there's the circle of salt.'

[humming]

And this is supposed to be the smart class. Mmm.

Those were examples of ones that don't work.

How about this?

A formula, first used in Bologna in 1590.

Whiff this, Pazuzu.

[sniffs] Ah!

- Arvid, you did it. - Yay!

Way to go, Arvid. Way to go.

[screaming]

[screaming]

[screams]

You tricked us.

You guys are just a little bit slow picking this up.

I am the devil.

I lie, I steal, I cheat, that's my job.

Listen, I think we better go directly to your dance number.

Now.

Yo, we learned an ancient ritual voodoo dance

which dates back to 1793.

Oh..

No. Y-you guys don't know how to dance, do you?

Yes, they do. And it goes a little bit like this.

Hit it, kids.

[humming]

Five, six, seven, eight.

♪ Back to hell ♪ ♪ Go back to hell Satan ♪

♪ Back to hell ♪ ♪ Don't mess with Theola ♪♪

Whoa, whoa, whoa. The beat stinks.

You guys can't dance. I'd give it a sixteen.

- That didn't work either. - Okay, that's enough.

I got a squirt gun, full of holy water

and I'm not afraid to use it.

Go ahead.

Make my day.

[groans]

Alright. Amateur hour is over.

Let somebody who speaks his language talk to him.

Yo, Dev, let's talk.

You're the Blunden boy, aren't you?

You know, I really like your work.

That was a nice double-cross you pulled on your pal

back in Houston, too bad it didn't pan out.

Yeah, thanks a lot.

- I got a deal for you. - Mm-hmm.

You let T.J. go and I'll get you a date with Viki.

- Dennis! - Viki, Schmiki.

I'm holding out for Zaza.

But, uh, how about this?

How about I get you a date with Viki?

- You could do that? - Sure.

Of course, uh, you'll have to give me your eternal soul.

- Come on. What's the catch? - Dennis, Dennis.

Come on. Come on. Thank you.

Mr. Moore, I'm really sorry I got you into this.

Just hold on. Hold.. Hold on.

Uh, I-I'm gonna get this straight. Okay?

Now, uh, th-the point of this contract

is that you made a deal for her soul, right?

That's right.

Well, according to most of the literature

on the subject that I've read, ah, the soul is immortal.

- Ah, right, right. - 'Right?'

Spinoza said, "We feel and know that we are eternal."

And-and all the major religions

believe that the soul never dies.

And-and..

Well, if you're planning to take her to hell

to be consumed by fire for all eternity..

...well, then you must think that her soul is immortal too.

Aah! What's your point?

[scoffs] My point is, according to this..

...you can't collect until she's dead.

- Ah, so? - So..

If she has a soul, and her soul is immortal..

- Yes. - Wha..

Then she'll never really be dead.

And thus, you could never really collect.

- Yes! - The man is good.

The man is better than good.

Ah! The man is a saint.

[cheering]

D-does this mean you're not gonna take us?

It means, this guy is willing

to sacrifice himself for you.

[cheering]

He's too good, I can't stand him.

He would make my life a living heaven.

- You, I'm taking. - Oh!

Now, wait just a minute.

What about the immortal soul argument?

If I paid attention to every two-bit argument from philosophy

made simple, I would have been out of business centuries ago.

Yeah, but..

[honking]

That's a good point.

Sorry, kid, I did what I could.

I'm never gonna see any of you guys again.

Yeah. Except maybe Dennis.

3 o'clock. Hey, everybody, split a slice.

Time to go, T.J.

I don't wanna go. Somebody help me.

Somebody help me.

[bell ringing]

Help..

Come on, T.J. Come on, T.J. Wake up. Wake up.

[gasps]

What're you doing here?

Where should I be? I'm the librarian.

Oh. Uh, I'm sorry, Mr. Carver.

- Uh. My God, What time is it? - 3 o'clock.

Oh, Mr. Moore, please give me another chance.

I promise I won't eat, I won't sleep. I won't goof up.

Just give me a little more time to write it, please.

Ah, look, you have plenty of time.

Yeah, but you said it was due by 3 o'clock.

3 o'clock, Friday. This is Tuesday.

- It is? - Yeah.

[sighs] Never mind.

[instrumental music]

Dennis, nice.

Sarah, very interesting.

Darlene.

Uh, Mr. Moore, Dr. Samuels said you wanted to see me.

Yeah, I wanted to give you your paper.

Well, how did I do?

Well, let's say it's not the greatest paper

in the history of history.

Aren't you gonna look at your grade?

I-I-I can't, I'm too nervous.

I'm just gonna..

[T.J. screams] 'I made it! I made it!'

- Welcome to the IHP. - Welcome, T.J.

[all cheering]

(Alex) Welcome, T.J.

Whoo!

So, T.J., what'd you get on your paper?

B plus. How about you?

What do you think? I got an A, of course.

[laughs] Wait a minute. I didn't see you burning the midnight oil.

Who did you pay off?

Nobody. Just that when you're brilliant

A-papers kinda come with the territory.

- Uh-huh. - Goodnight, Blunden.

Oh, see you, Mr. Carver. And thanks, I owe you one.

Sure.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]