Original subtitles

[theme music]

Hey, girls. How's it going?

- Hey, Alan and Alex. - This is..

[indistinct chatter]

- 'Simone..' - 'No, no.'

- 'No, no.' - 'You did not.'

[indistinct chatter]

- Oh, hi, Viki. - Hi, Arvid.

- Uh, how was your weekend? - Fine.

Did you, you know, see anyone?

Mm-hmm. Uh, let's see.

There was this really interesting poet

a reporter from "Rolling Stone"

um, a performance artist and three quarters

of a string quartet.

Wow. You, you must have your own 800 number.

[laughing]

- It was a party, Arvid. - Oh.

But it was great. What did you do?

Oh, uh, hey, you know, I, I swung

with a pretty hip crowd myself.

He slept over at my place.

Math club had a party.

[laughing]

We did the Pi R Square dance. Heh.

- Right. - But, you know.

It turned into an all-nighter.

What a blast.

(Dennis) 'Oh, and you wanna hear a blast?'

You oughta hear Arvid snore.

- Dennis, I do not snore. - Oh, yes, you do.

- No, I don't. - Yes, you do.

- Do not. Do not too. Do not.. - Do too. Too! Too! Too!

Well, it's my word against yours. You have no proof.

That's where you're wrong, pal.

- Dennis? - Everybody..

If I can have your attention, please.

I'd like to present our very own Arvid Engen, snoring.

[snoring on stereo]

Arvid, when you get married, make sure your wife

has earplugs.

Yeah, Arvid, that's quite a horn you got on that face.

There's nothing wrong with my horn.

Uh, my nose.

Oh, you're right, Arvid. It, it's great.

Especially if you get lost in a fog.

[bell ringing]

- Good morning. - Hi, Mr. Moore.

Settle here, uh, today, you know, we're gonna be

talking about William Randolph Hearst

and the effect of yellow journalism

on American politics.

[Arvid snoring on stereo]

Sorry, uh, I was trying to rewind it.

- Uh, what was it? - It was Arvid snoring.

Really? That was you, huh?

You know, you really ought to see a doctor

about all that noise you make.

Alex. Everybody.

No, no, no. It's-it's okay, Mr. Moore.

Why-why don't you all just say it?

My-my no.. My nose is hideous.

A-and I should have plastic surgery, okay?

I mean, l-let's face it. I'm the Elephant Man.

- Ha-ha-ha-ha. - 'Arvid.'

Arvid, you're by no stretch the Elephant Man.

Yeah, Arvid.

The Elephant Man never sounded like this.

[Arvid snoring on stereo]

[all laughing]

And so Hearst fanned the flames of war

with inflammatory headlines like, "Remember the Maine."

But in fact, from the beginning, it was suspected

that the Spanish never attacked the Maine, that it simply sunk

because of accidental explosions. So..

[bell ringing]

See you tomorrow.

Arvid, uh..

Listen, uh, I-I-I hope you weren't hurt by all that.

I mean, they are just teasing you.

Oh, Mr. Moore, they were right.

I hate my nose more than they do.

They don't hate your nose.

Of course they do.

I mean, not only is it hard to look at

apparently it can be used to arouse geese.

Arvid, uh, your nose is fine.

If you are worried about your snoring, see a doctor.

You may have a deviated septum.

Deviated septum?

Oh, well, perfect. It even sounds nerdy.

Arvid, uh, all kinds of people

have deviated septums.

Oh, who besides dweebs, geeks, and total losers?

- Me. - 'Oh.'

Mr. Moore, I didn't mean that you were a..

No, that's okay. Just think about it.

Watch your step, okay?

[instrumental music]

- Hi. - Oh!

- Sorry, I'll help you. - Now, give me that.

- Don't-don't take that. - What is this?

Give me that, give me that. Hey, give me that!

Will you give me that? I mean, will you..

Your new nose?

A guide to rhinoplasty?

[laughing]

Shut up!

A nose job. You're gettin' a nose job.

I went to the doctor to see about my deviated septum!

But he said as long as he's workin' on my nose

I could get some cosmetic sculpturing if I wanted.

[laughing]

I can't believe you're getting a nose--

I'm not getting a nose job!

I haven't decided yet.

In fact, I'm probably not gonna do it.

Then again, I might.

Arv, I like your nose.

Well, I think you are the only one.

A girl like Viki wouldn't look at me twice.

Oh, Arvid, she'd have to look at you twice.

Just to see your whole nose.

Oh, lighten up, I'm kidding.

Dennis, listen.

This is extremely personal.

Do not say anything to anyone under penalty of death.

Arvid, I'm your best friend.

[sighs] I know. I know.

I will have you killed.

Jeez.

[clears throat]

- Hi, Viki. - Oh, hi, Arvid.

Uh. Ahem.

Hey, Viki.

Oh, man, I love this outfit.

You do?

Yeah, I love the clothes you wear.

I mean, these are ripped here

and yesterday, they were ripped over there.

I, I-I just love the clothes you wear.

- Thanks, Eric. - You're welcome.

Now, you put all her outfits together

and I've seen her naked.

Eric, how do you do that?

Imagine her naked?

How could you not?

Get around with girls like that.

Oh, it's easy, Arvid. You could do it.

Not with this nose.

Oh, come on, Arvid, you're makin' a mountain

out of a molehill.

Bad choice. Go ahead. Give it a shot.

Hey, Viki.

Hello, Arvid.

I've got a present for you.

Can you guess what it is?

Uh..

A nose warmer.

[laughing]

A nose warmer.

[sighs]

Arvid, you coming to class?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

[indistinct whispering]

- Uh, hi, guys. - Hi, Arvid.

[sighs]

You told them, didn't you?

The public has a right to know.

[all clamoring]

No, no, I am just considering it.

- Wow. - Arvid.

If it makes you feel any better

I never thought you had a big nose.

Really?

Thanks.

But then again, gee, I never paid much attention.

- Look at this. - Hey, hey, hey, hey..

[indistinct chatter]

- What's going on? - Arvid's getting a nose job.

No, no, I am just thinking about it!

Very well.

It's a, uh, personal decision.

So keep your noses out of his, okay?

[bell ringing]

Okay, we continue tomorrow. See you then.

Arvid.

You know, the last time we discussed this, uh

you could barely bring yourself to mention

deviated septums, and now it seems

you're considering plastic surgery.

Well, I-I'm not definitely sure, Mr. Moore

but I've gotta do something.

I wanna be popular, self-confident

and well, it'd be nice if girls went crazy over me.

Most guys feel that way.

But, uh, do you really think cosmetic surgery

is gonna cover all that?

Yes.

Well, you're asking a lot out of your nose.

That's what I want, Mr. Moore. A lot out of my nose.

You know, I get the feeling you haven't really thought

this thing through.

Well, now you're saying I shouldn't do it?

No.

I'm saying a nose job

will change the way you look

and it might change the way you feel.

But you'll still be Arvid Engen.

There's no need to be nasty, Mr. Moore.

[instrumental music]

♪ 19.9 Pi R Squared on the wall ♪

♪ 19.9 Pi R Square ♪

♪ If one of those nine should happen to fall ♪

♪ 16.8321 Pi R Squared on the wall ♪

♪ 16.8321 Pi R Square.. ♪♪

Well, Arvid, I've talked to your parents

and they said you can make your own decision.

So, we can get started on the septum and the rhinoplasty

as soon as the anesthesia takes effect.

- You feeling a little woozy? - Yeah.

- Little numb? Hmm. - Little bit.

You know, I've been thinking.

What if I don't need a new nose?

Would you be terribly upset?

Of course not.

I mean, it was probably gonna pay for your trip to Hawaii

or something, and now I've let you down.

Not at all. I just got back from Hawaii.

Oh, you look good.

Thanks. Look, don't worry.

It's perfectly normal to have second thoughts about this.

That's true.

It is okay to have second thoughts.

In fact, I'm having second thoughts right now.

Okay. Just the deviated septum.

Not the new nose.

No, no, I mean-I mean I'm having second thoughts

about the second thoughts.

- Oh, so you want the new nose. - On second thought..

Arvid, look, I understand your uncertainty.

I gotta have a decision.

You want the nose job or not?

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Arvid. Arvid. Arvid.

Arvid.

Oh. Go ahead. Take me.

But please, be gentle.

The only thing I'm gonna take is your temperature.

I've never lost a patient yet.

- Oh. - I'm kidding, honey.

Oh, did I get it? Did I get the nose job?

No, but you got a dinette set

and some lovely parting gifts.

Oh, I'm-I'm serious. I can't remember!

You were there.

I was in a linen closet with an orderly.

I'm just kidding. We run a clean shop here, sweetheart.

Maybe you should call Dr. Cranburg in the morning.

I-in the morning? Why can't I talk to him now?

Oh, no. He's in a major consultation.

The, the whole office is a buzz.

The entire Jackson family wants their old faces back.

Nothing, alright, here we go.

Wait, wait. They can do that?

I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Why are you so serious?

What's the point of worrying anyway?

It's too late.

Either you'll end up looking gorgeous

or you'll look like one of the "Garbage Pail Kids."

- Oh. - Here we go.

- You're kidding ,right? - No.

[instrumental music]

Hello, hello. Dr. Cranburg, please.

What? He's in surgery.

My God! Is he okay?

Oh! Oh, right. I'm sorry. He's the surgeon..

Um, li-listen, I-I wonder.. Ne-never-never mind.

I'll-I'll call back later.

[sighs]

Hey, Arvid. How did everything come off?

Well, Mr. Moore, I'm not sure!

They took care of the deviated septum

but I don't know if I had the plastic surgery.

You don't know?

Well, I remember telling the doctor all the reasons

I wanted to have it done.

But I also remember telling him I wasn't a 100 percent sure.

And then I went under.

I don't remember the final decision.

Well, only you, Arvid.

Anyway, I hope you're happy with whatever is under there.

Yeah. Look, I mean, ab-absolutely.

Mr. Moore, if my nose is smaller, I'll be better-looking

and-and people won't tease me for being so vain.

And-and chorus girls and-and backup singers

will, will throw themselves at me.

What kind of life is that, huh?

Yeah. What if it's the same?

Well, uh, I'll have the comfort of returning to what I know.

Mathematics, solitude and plenty of very humorous nasal quips.

You know, Arvid, uh, you're the only one

who seems to think you have a large nose.

Large, Mr. Moore, I'll be the only one in the yearbook

with a pop-up photo.

I mean, you don't know what it's like.

Girls I, I wouldn't look twice at

wouldn't-wouldn't look twice at me.

Are you listening to yourself?

You know, your problem is not your nose.

I know, I know, now that my nose is smaller

my ears will be much more prominent.

You know, I-I'll look like a Volkswagen

with the doors left open.

Arvid, your problem is not your ears either.

It's what's between 'em.

A bad haircut?

[indistinct chatter]

That's what she said.

Oh, wow, Arvid. You really went through with it.

- Yeah. - I think that's wonderful.

Well, a-actually, I'm not entirely--

Oh, Arvid, I can't wait to see what your new nose looks like.

I bet it's gonna look fabulous.

- Yeah. - Really? You think?

Well-well-well, you see, you see--

Boy, Arvid, that really took a lot of nerve.

- It sure did. - Oh, yeah.

- You think so? - Yeah.

- Yeah. - You see, the truth is--

I'm trying to picture you with a little button nose.

Maybe, you.. Dude, you could be the next Shirley Temple.

- Oh. - No, no.

I won't know exactly un-until the, the, swelling goes down.

You know, you got a lot of guts because I'd be afraid

to do something like that.

[all clamoring]

You know what, Arvid, you're not a total wimp after all.

Yeah.

[bell ringing]

Um, Arvid, what do you think?

Should I have my lips enlarged?

- Yeah, Arvid. - What do you think about that?

Oh, well, you know. Ahem.

I was looking through the book of lips

at Dr. Cranburg's office.

- And, uh-- - Yeah.

Well, in my professional opinion, Simone

I think you should go for it.

I mean, look what thick lips have done for Mick Jagger.

[indistinct chatter]

And-and-and not only that, Simone.

You know what I think, what else you might--

Calling Dr. Engen, Dr. Arvid Engen.

Office hours are over.

We can start the class.

Uh, right. Go right ahead.

[instrumental music]

- Hi, Viki. - Hi, Arvid.

Hey. Nice outfit.

I like those rips.

You know, if you put all your outfits together

I have seen you naked.

- Hey. - Arvid.

You're so cute.

Yeah, well..

Hey, you know, uh, we're all going out after school

to celebrate my new nose.

- You coming? - Of course.

Great. And wear something ripped.

Arvid.

Yes! Yes! Yes.

What? What? What?

- Oh, hi, Mr. Moore. - Hi.

Well, sleeve's all wet

but you seem to be in a good mood.

[laughing] I know.

Well, ever since I got this nose job

I feel so much more confident.

You did get it then.

What, you talked to your doctor during lunch hour, or..

Oh, well, we haven't made personal contact

but I-I know that I must've gone through with it

because, I mean, I-I suddenly feel like a, a totally

different person. I mean like, boom! Ah.

But you don't know.

Well, uh, technically, no.

Well, uh, maybe you should try calling him again.

- Yeah. - Now.

Good idea. In fact, thanks for reminding me.

- Sure. - I'll do that right now.

[instrumental music]

[bell ringing]

Okay, re-written letters of recommendation tomorrow

please, okay?

Arvid.

Listen, uh, I'm a little worried about this

nose business, you know.

I'm, I'm concerned there might be complications.

Complications? What complications?

Well, you've been wearing this bandage for a week now.

I mean, people in full body casts heal faster.

Well, hey, uh, I've been so busy, Mr. Moore.

I haven't had a chance to get to the doctor.

Oh, well, I think I know what's really going on here.

[sighs]

You see, it's just..

Ever since I got back from the hospital

everyone has been so nice to me.

And why do you think that is?

Because I look good.

Half of your face is hidden behind this bandage.

Well, I-I-I mean, I feel like I look good.

I'm-I'm much more confident.

People like me.

I-I can't take it off now.

Well, you can't hide behind it forever.

Why not? It worked for the "Phantom Of The Opera."

Oh, at the end, the mask comes off.

Yeah, and look what happened. He got lynched by an angry mob.

Arvid!

Showtime.

[sighs]

Okay.

What if I didn't get the nose job?

I mean, what if it still looks the same?

What if it looks worse?

[sighs]

'Mr. Moore, what's wrong?'

Nothing. Nothing.

(Arvid) 'How do I look?'

- Fine. I gotta go. - 'What's the matter?'

Oh, my God, it's a monster!

[screaming]

[indistinct shouting]

What the hell is going on over here?

Do not look at Arvid!

I repeat, do not look at Arvid!

[siren blaring]

I can't do it!

What if I look ridiculous?

Well, Arvid, uh, walking around school

with this bandage hanging half on and half off your face

looks fairly ridiculous.

[sighs] Alright.

How does it look?

It looks terrific.

Really?

I've been carrying this with me just in case.

Mm-hmm. Careful. Easy.

Hey.

Wait a minute. This is my old nose.

You said I looked terrific.

Yeah, you do look terrific.

You always have.

No, I, uh, I don't. I hate this nose.

[scoffs] I, I don't believe you, Arvid.

Well, on the operating table

you chose to stay with this nose.

I mean, this is the nose you chose.

Now, it must be the one you want.

[sighs] Yeah, well, what do I know?

I also chose this shirt.

[sighs] Mr. Moore, I'm gonna be humiliated.

Everyone is gonna laugh at me.

Oh, come on, Arvid.

People like you.

I don't think they really care about your nose that much

one way or the other.

What if you're wrong?

Well, what if I'm right?

[instrumental music]

I'll get you the money.

- Hey, Arv. - Okay, Dennis.

What do you think?

Think about what?

Me. How do I look?

[scoffs] I've told you a 1000 times.

Lose this shirt.

Dennis. My nose.

Oh, you got your bandage off.

- So? - So?

So?

Oh. Oh, lemme see. Lemme see.

Gee, I don't know, Arvid. It looks the same to me.

I think your nose doctor needs an eye doctor.

Dennis, I didn't get the nose job.

So, you're just gonna have to get used to me like this.

[chuckles] I am used to you like this.

I never cared how it looked, just how it sounded.

- Hi, Arvid. - Oh.

Arvid, you look ridiculous.

I know. There's nothing I can do about it.

I was born this way.

You were born with your head in your locker?

Alright. Take your best shot.

Shot at what?

I got my bandage off.

Oh, yeah. The nose job looks good.

I didn't get a nose job.

I-I just let everyone believe that I had.

I guess I just enjoyed all the attention, so..

I'm sorry I toyed with your emotions.

Here I am, mega honker and all.

Arvid, it looks good to me.

Mr. Moore, Viki didn't even notice.

Didn't notice what?

She.. Right.

Hey, Mr. Moore, uh, what do you say at lunch

I buy you a soda in the cafeteria?

We could celebrate my new-old nose.

Sure.

You can actually drink out of a can around that thing?

[laughing]

[instrumental music]

[theme music]