Original subtitles

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Arvid, have you decided what elective

you're gonna take this semester?

Yup. Triangular matrix equations.

No, you're not, Arvid, the purpose of an elective

is to delve into a new and totally unknown field.

- Yeah? - So?

What's that unknown field into which

we've always wanted to delve?

- He-he-he. - Well..

Yeah!

Uh, wa-wait a minute, Dennis.

I don't think that's on the course list.

No, but home ec is.

What? Home ec?

Why-why would we want to take that? It's for girls.

Oh, right.

I'd just like to say that I think the board of education

is pretty darn reasonable.

So let's stop all this Gloomy-Gus strike talk, huh?

I mean, we don't have to have a raise.

And I think we all can live with one little rollback.

The important thing is..

...we've got our health.

We better. Soon we won't have any health insurance.

Which is why we gotta strike!

No, no, wait, wait.

- Strike, strike, strike. - Wait, wait, wait.

I'm sorry, but as your elected union rep

before I go to the negotiating committee

and say that this chapter wants to strike

I think that we should investigate some alternatives

that are a little less disruptive.

Right, right.

How about a sternly worded letter to "The Times?"

But I-I was thinking more of, uh, a work slowdown.

Let's say that we withhold

all of our extra-curricular activities.

Uh, no more club supervision.

No more tutoring.

Uh, Dr. Samuels wants

all this paperwork done, fine.

We do it only during school hours.

Smarten up, Charlie.

A work slowdown? We'll lose our jobs.

We're gonna be cashing in aluminum cans.

I think it's a great way of gettin' our ideas across.

- Let's do it, Charlie. - Thank you.

Wait, I've got it.

How about buttons that say "Unfair"?

How about I take your face and move it--

No, no, Ms. Collingwood.

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Darlene, let's get together this week

and study for the advance placement history test.

Well, I don't think that's really

gonna be necessary, Maria.

I mean, we're gonna review all the material

we've covered in history class.

Yeah, I mean, we should be prepared

just by listening to Mr. Moore.

Exactly.

[school bell ringing]

- Mr. Moore? - Hmm?

- Don't you wanna get started? - Yes.

Sorry, we've got a mountain of material to cover today.

Tell us about it. So, uh, what's first?

- Yeah! - Well, first, uh..

How many people here drink milk with lunch

at least twice a week?

'Show of hands. Yeah.'

This ought to be good.

I can't wait to see how he ties it in

with the Spanish-American war.

Okay, uh, how many drink chocolate milk?

Mr. Moore, what does this have to do with history?

- Yeah? - Nothing.

This is a student nutrition

evaluation report 629/R.

So, how many of you eat the crackers

that come with the soup?

(all) Dennis.

Mr. Moore, uh, we have that test next week to review for.

[indistinct chatter]

I-I-I'm sorry.

I'd like to be able to help you, but, uh..

...the, uh, school board hasn't budged, so, until that changes

we teachers are trying to complete all of our paperwork

during school hours, so if-if I can finish this

well, maybe we'll have some time before the end of class.

Well, then we can get together

after school for special tutoring?

- That's a good idea. - 'Uh..'

No, uh, we-we can no longer involve ourselves

in extra-curricular activities either.

But what about us?

We have to do well on these tests.

Our futures are on the line here.

(all) Yeah, Mr. Moore.

Can't you bend the rules a little bit, Mr. Moore?

Yeah, just a little.

I-I-I would like to, believe me, but, uh..

...I gotta stand by my union.

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Dennis, where's the rest of your lunch?

Very funny. This stuff's for home ec class.

The teacher won't go to the market

'cause of the work slowdown

so guess who gets picked to go to the food barn.

Why do you have to buy the giant sizes of everything?

Because ounce for ounce, they're cheaper.

Fine, then you explain to the class

what we're doing with a five-pound tub of chutney.

I had a coupon.

And besides, look..

It came with a free Flintstone glass.

I would be a fool to pass this up.

This is a nightmare.

Oh, come on, Dennis, at least you get to meet girls, right?

Oh, yeah, right, when they're not too busy yelling at me

for overbeating my egg whites.

That's because you set your mixer on the puree setting.

Shut up.

Oh, and on top of everything else, for our homework

we gotta bake something.

Oh, and-and, Dennis, next time

make sure they double bag you.

What is the difference?

That's the difference.

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Things get ugly, Miss Meara.

Management may have to fill in for the teachers.

So you'll be teaching freshman English and metal shop.

Metal shop?

You mean with welding and riveting and banging?

Wear the safety goggles, you'll be fine.

Dr. Samuels, why can't the janitor teach metal shop?

No, I've got him down for modern dance.

- Why? - 'Cause that's what he wanted.

Please, let's not mess with the janitor's--

- Dr. Samuels-- - What do you want?

Uh, I wanted to give you these.

Oh, petition from the faculty, huh? Ha-ha.

Well, here's what I think of your petitions, Comrade Moore.

Well, actually, those were your surveys and questionnaires.

What! You see what you made me do?

I'm supposed to send these through the proper channels.

You just did.

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[school bell ringing]

- Good morning. - Good morning, sir.

Um, Mr. Moore, are you all caught up in your paperwork?

- Yes, I am. - Oh, great.

Are you sure you don't want our inseams or dental records?

No, thanks, uh, but I would like you to settle down

because I need to talk to all of you.

Oh, great, at least we have a couple of days to review then.

Yeah, maybe if we really hit the books

we'll be able to catch up.

So what are you gonna teach us today, Mr. Moore?

Nothing.

- What? - 'Nothing?'

You said you finished all your paperwork.

Mr. Moore, come on.

We've had enough of this strike stuff.

We are here to learn.

[all clamoring]

Normally, I'd be ready to work with you.

But, uh, the teachers union took a vote last night

and until the school board is willing to return

to the negotiating table, a work stoppage is in effect.

So does that mean you can't teach?

It's precisely what it means. Yes.

- What? Come on. - Mr. Moore, this is unfair.

- You can't do this. - Yeah, Mr. Moore.

Yes, it is unfair, and yes, I can do it

so, I'd suggest you, uh, find something constructive to do

during the remainder of the period.

I'm sorry.

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Hmm, poached salmon with dill sauce.

And you know what would be good with that?

A nice lobster bisque.

What do you think?

I think if I hear you say "Bisque" or "Fondue"

or "Finely chopped nut meats" one more time

I'm gonna use your tongue as a scouring pad.

You're just upset 'cause you got a D on your gravy.

Hey...lay off my gravy. I told you those weren't lumps.

[sighs] Oh, give it up, Dennis.

There's no such thing as a gravy ball.

Oh, yeah?

Fellas, do you mind exchanging your recipes

a little more quietly? Some people are trying to study.

Sorry.

Too bad some people aren't trying to teach.

[all booing]

Mr. Moore, don't you care about us at all?

Yes, I do, but when you believe in a cause

you sometimes have to make sacrifices.

Oh, great, so you're sacrificing us.

- Yeah. - Well, it..

It'd be nice if you could see that this strike issue

is larger than how it affects you personally.

You're the one who's gonna get more money.

- Yeah! - Right.

Yeah, well, maybe.

Uh, perhaps even a living wage.

That's so selfish of us.

Oh, just forget about it, Mr. Moore.

I mean, we got a test to study for.

Maybe one of us should do your job.

- Yeah! - You're welcome to try.

Might be interesting.

Okay, I'll teach.

Everybody open your book to chapter seven, please.

You too. Eric, you wanna sit like a human being?

Wait a minute, who said you could be the teacher?

- Yeah, Dennis. - Who said you could teach?

Why shouldn't I be the teacher?

Well, for one thing, Dennis, it was my idea.

- Yeah, that's right. - Yeah.

But I got a higher grade point average than you do.

Well, now, let's not act like children.

Let's decide this intelligently.

- Fine. - Who wants Dennis to teach?

- Huh. - Mm-hmm.

And who wants me to teach?

Well, fine. Does somebody else wanna teach?

[all clamoring]

What's going on here?

Rabble rousing again, Mr. Moore?

Next, you'll have them singing Woody Guthrie songs.

Dr. Samuels, you have to do something.

If we don't get a real teacher in here

we're gonna die on that test.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

You've got one.

I'm going to teach you.

I may even teach a little teaching, while I'm at it.

The blackboard is all yours.

Then stand back and eat my chalk dust.

Alright.

What were they studying?

Uh, The Crittenden Compromise of 1860.

Okay, let's talk about Christopher Columbus.

Dr. Samuels, that sounds a little basic.

This is gonna be an advanced history test.

- Right. - Don't worry!

You know, Mr. Moore isn't the only person

who can make history interesting.

For instance, how many of you know

Christopher Columbus was a bum?

(all) What?

Well, he borrowed money from a woman to build his boats.

He didn't know where he was going.

When he got there, he didn't know where he was.

And when he got home, he lied about where he'd been.

[chuckles]

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- Dorfman. - What do you want?

You wanna sign this petition?

I don't agree with the negotiating committee.

This work stoppage, how can I put it diplomatically?

Sucks mud.

Well, sure, I'll sign.

I couldn't agree with you more.

This is great!

Charlie's a good man, it's just, uh..

He's never been in the service, if you catch my drift.

- Yeah. - Thanks, Dorfman.

If this petition works, we're gonna start a wild cat strike.

Total walkout.

Picket lines, baseball bats, slash tires, the works.

Your name is gonna be on the hit list of every principal

in New York City.

That's what I signed?

Yes, sir.

Oh, my God!

Wait!

Wow, Arvid, where'd you get that cake?

I made it for home ec.

I call it, Arvid's chocolate, raspberry relativity tort.

- What do you think? - It's fabulous.

Yeah, that is an incredible likeness of Einstein.

(Arvid) Well, thanks.

And it took me all night.

Oh, Dennis, where's your project?

Oh, I've got it. Beef Rib Tips Bourguignon.

Wow! Well, how did you make that?

Oh, it's easy.

"Remove cover, pull tab."

Dennis, you'd better come up with something else

or Mrs. Rinkoff is gonna make you wash dishes again.

She can't make me wash 'em if she can't find 'em.

What did you do with them?

Ugh!

Phew!

[Arvid exhales]

Oh, Den, oh.

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That's it, it's over. We're finished.

We don't have a prayer on the advanced placement history test.

And it's not our fault.

Why should we be the ones

who get hurt by the stupid strike?

- Yeah! - I'll tell you why.

'Cause their union is so greedy.

Mr. Moore, why don't the teachers

just take their paychecks, and stop ruining our lives.

(all) Yeah!

You know, it-it's not as simple as that.

You know, Mr. Moore, nobody forced you to take this job.

- That's right. - That's right.

With all the people out of work

you should be happy to even have a job.

Yeah, you know, I'm beginning to think that Alan was right

all along about unions.

- You mean it? - Yeah!

Would anyone like to hear my opinions on Roe versus Wade?

(all) No!

[school bell ringing]

Okay, you want me to teach, I'll teach.

You're kidding, what will the union say about that?

Oh, under these circumstances, I think it'll be okay.

- 'Oh, great.' - 'Oh, great.'

Alright, I'd like each of you

to remove one shoe.

Okay, Mr. Moore, but if this is for another survey

I can tell you right now, most of us have two feet.

I want you to look at the shoe.

See if you can tell me

how it is responsible for your well-being.

Okay, 1794.

Federal society of cordwainers is founded.

Does anybody know what a cordwainer is?

- A shoemaker. - Exactly.

Now, in those days, at the beginning

of the industrial revolution

entire industries were founded on child labor.

Not just making shoes, but in coal mines

in textile mills, garment sweatshops.

You could find six-year-olds, working for ten cents a day.

And often, four-year-olds, were used to clean and oil

heavy machinery.

Well, how could anyone do that to a four-year-old?

- Yeah! - Simple, it's expedient.

Small child, fits very nicely into a large machine.

But occasionally somebody loses a finger or a hand

or even a life, but business is business.

Business as usual.

Now, in 1799..

...the cordwainers led the first strike

in an attempt to change things.

They were America's first labor union.

And you know what they were arrested for?

- 'What?' - 'What's that?'

Criminal conspiracy to increase wages.

- Oh, my God! - This is terrible!

Yeah, well, by the 20th century

things had changed considerably.

At that point, management was using the militia

or law enforcement to shoot striking workers

including children.

- What? - What?

So you see, if it weren't for the shoe

and a lot of people who made very real sacrifices

most of you would probably be working in a sweatshop

somewhere, minus a few fingers.

And I hope you all do very well on your tests tomorrow.

What are we supposed to do with our shoes?

Maybe we can fit them in our mouths.

Okay, Mr. Moore, maybe there were horror stories back then

but what does that have to do with the teacher strike today?

I mean, it's not like you're trying to keep kids

from being abused.

- Yes, we are in a way. - What kids?

Well, you and, and every kid in school.

You deserve the best education that money can buy. No..

I know teachers, who've been working for ten, fifteen years

they're not making as much money as toll collectors

in the Holland tunnel.

Now, uh, what kind of people are gonna be teaching you

if things continue at that rate.

But you're a good teacher.

- Yeah, you are. - Thank you.

But, uh, if I were to take a job in the real world

uh, I could make a living wage.

Maybe two or three times what I make now.

I-I, and I'll tell you quite frankly

I don't know how much longer I can afford to remain a teacher.

Mr. Moore, was this petition for a wildcat strike your idea?

- Yes or no? - No.

Don't try to confuse the issue

with your union rag trick, he-he.

You wanna play rough? Fine.

Class, welcome Mr. Grodnik.

A bright enthusiastic, a hungry young scholar

with a Ph.D. in history, who has agreed to replace Mr. Moore

and help you in your hour of need.

You mean a scab.

It's business as usual, but not in my class.

Don't tell me whose class this is.

I think I can take it from here, Dr. Samuels.

Now, class, I understand you were discussing

The Crittenden Compromise of 1860.

I don't think this is gonna work.

Yeah, I just don't feel right about it.

I-it's like, crossing a mental picket line.

And I sure don't wanna be taught

by some guy who'd cross a real one.

- 'Yeah!' - 'That's right.'

I don't either.

I only wanna be taught by the best.

[all clamoring]

If you'd wait outside for a moment, Mr. Grodnik.

I'm still gonna get paid, aren't I?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What's the matter with you kids?

What about the test tomorrow?

Well, I guess, we probably won't do as well as we might have.

Yeah, maybe we'll score in the 94th percentile

instead of the 98th.

'And maybe that will hurt us a little down the road'

but, Dr. Samuels, lots of people have had to make

sacrifices much, much greater than that.

(all) Yeah.

I mean, we-we may not like it, but it is important.

And I'm willing to live with it.

- Yeah! - Me too.

Hey, I was only trying to help you.

This is your fault, Mr. Moore.

Mr. Grodnik, did you ever conduct an orchestra?

[all cheering]

- Very impressive. - Yeah.

I guess by not teachin' us anything

you actually taught us something.

- Uh-huh. - Thanks, I'm-I'm glad.

I sure wish we could use it on that darn test tomorrow.

Mr. Moore, I still have one question.

Sure.

Can Dennis put his shoe back on now?

Yeah!

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My cake! It's gone.

How can a whole cake just disappear?

Hmm, not the whole cake, Arvid.

Here's Einstein's hair.

You see, I hate coconut.

However, the rest was delicious.

You ate my project!

You deserved it!

The only reason I even signed us up for home ec class

was to meet girls, but no, you had to get an A in baking.

And an A in sauteing.

And you had to gloat when you julienned your beets.

You deserved some humiliation.

Humiliation?

You want me to show you humiliation?

[hissing]

You mean it, Charlie? They went back to the bargaining table?

Yeah, we got them by the throat.

Way to go, men.

Yeah, I guess another day or so and..

...we can go back to being full-time zookeepers.

- There! - Fine!

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