Original subtitles

[theme music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

And then, I went into the operating theater

and I viewed the liver being transplanted.

I'm telling you, Darlene, this was the most incredible

experience of my life.

Sarah, I think you're overdoing the research

for this biology paper.

Um, no. I'm not just doin' it for the paper anymore.

I'm gonna be a surgeon.

Oh, Darlene, if only you'd been there, it was beautiful.

The way he lifted up the spleen

in order to clamp off the artery.

I guess you had to be there, Sarah.

Oh, you wanna see some pictures?

- No. - Darlene, you're such a wimp.

I mean, it's just a picture of a sple..

Excuse me, I have to use the bathroom.

[both chuckles]

How do I mate thee?

Let me count the ways.

Check!

- Oh. - Alright.

- Ooh. - Okay.

'Computer says..'

rook takes queen.

[laughs]

Nice try, Arvid, but nobody beats the chess-monster program.

Well, you've just met nobody.

Chess-monster, consider yourself check-mated.

- Arvid, that's great. - Alright.

Not bad, Arvid.

Why can't you play that way for Coach Tarish?

Oh, there's, there's a chess-monster.

Well, I don't know what you're so scared of.

You're the best player on the team.

- Hmm. - You really are.

He has a funny way of putting it. He calls me "Jughead."

Well, you just beat a computer.

- You play chess, Mr. Moore? - Oh, no.

I-I-I know the basic moves, but that's really about all.

Mr. Moore, why don't you and Arvid play a game?

- Yeah. - 'Oh!'

No, he'd clobber me.

There wouldn't be any fun at all for Arvid.

Who cares? It'll be fun for us.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

[laughs] Okay, Arvid, I'll meet you here come lunch hour.

[school bell ringing]

Okay, take your seats.

(Moore) 'And, it's interesting, you know.'

I've been developing this theory

about the Russian passion for chess.

How it affects their political strategy.

So, maybe we could talk about that for this class period.

And I think we will, since I'm in charge.

[instrumental music]

You guys, who's winning?

Arvid, did you dismember him yet?

Hey, come on, Janice. This is just a-a friendly game.

Mm-hmm. Sure it is, Arvid.

Okay, everybody, the Blunden point spread is Mr. Moore

plus a knight and two pawns. Do I have any takers?

- No way. - You're right, Dennis.

Are you kidding? Arvid can't lose.

- Okay. - Check.

Check? Weren't you supposed to say that, Arvid?

What's the matter, Arvid? I mean, aren't you--

Hey, hey, hey, hey, come on! It's not..

It's-it's-it's easily blocked, um..

Come on, Arvid, you wanna move sometime this semester?

Yeah.

Check.

Wow, you trapped my queen.

- I resign. - 'Whoo!'

I don't believe it, he lost.

Great, Arvid. That was really impressive.

- Thanks. - Come on, let's get outta here.

Hey, I think there's a belching contest in the cafeteria.

Anybody wanna watch?

- Yeah. - Sure.

- You okay? - You crushed me.

- You are upset. - No, no, no.

There's no shame in losing to someone

who's a truly brilliant chess player.

I'm not a brilliant chess player, Arvid.

I, I happened to be reading a book on chess

and I, I memorized a classic trap

and that's really all that I know how to do.

You-you know, three months ago

I-I would have seen that knight four

coming from across the room.

So what's different now?

I don't know, I just..

I-I just choke.

Well, what's that like?

Well, i-it's-it's like I hear this voice inside of me goin'..

"Maybe that's the wrong move."

A-and before you know it

I'm-I'm losing to guys like you.

Sorry, Mr. Moore, I, I didn't..

It's okay, I understand.

Have you thought about, uh

discussing this with, uh, Mr. Tarish?

Oh, uh, Mr. Tarish, I-I..

I mean, I-I've tried, but, uh,

whenever I do I, uh, I just..

...choke.

[instrumental music]

Mr. Moore!

Mr. Moore, I challenged Coach Tarish

to a chess match for ya.

- What? - I had to do it, Mr. Moore.

It was a question of honor.

Dennis, you don't have any honor.

No, no. Your honor.

All I did was tell him what a great chess player you were.

The guy went berserk.

I'm telling you, Mr. Moore, he wants ya.

Well, I don't want him.

Well, you got him. I'm not backin' out now.

No, I'm backing out, you're telling him.

Oh, come on, Mr. Moore. Please don't do this to me.

You beat Arvid. Arvid's terrific.

You can demolish Coach Tarish.

Dennis, you're overlooking one small factor.

I don't know anything about chess.

- You don't? - No.

[sighs] Thanks a lot, Mr. Moore, you're gonna make me

look like an idiot.

I'm here to help, Dennis.

- Morning. - Hi.

Ah. Heh. Mr. Tarish. Good.

Dennis Blunden just mentioned

some nonsense about us having a chess--

Nonsense? What's that supposed to mean?

You're too good for me?

No, Frank. It, it means I'm not good enough.

So, let's just forget the whole thing, okay?

Wait, I recognize this. This is the old weenie gambit.

Chicken out before you even start the game.

[chuckles]

That's typical, Moore.

[instrumental music]

Chess is not a beauty contest.

It's not how pretty your game is. It's who wins.

Chess is war!

You understand that?

(all) Yes, chess master!

Defeat does not exist to the Fillmore chess team, does it?

(all) No, chess master!

Alright, after the Blitz Game

I'll announce the team for the match against Bronx Science

and remember, your opponent is your enemy..

...not your friend. Mr. Moore, you want something?

Uh, a word with you, when you have a minute.

Fine, stick around.

Maybe you'll pick up a few pointers.

'Okay, team, what do we study here?'

- Chess! - And how do we play chess?

(all) Start first, attack hard, show no mercy.

Alright, let's warm up with Ruy Lopez.

White pawn to king four, advance.

(all) Pawn to king four, advance!

I can't hear you!

(all) Pawn to king four, advance!

Black pawn to king four, advance!

(all) Pawn to king four, advance!

(Tarish) 'White, king knight to bishop three, develop!'

(all) Knight to bishop three, develop!

Alright, alright.

Blitz Game, start your clocks at five minutes.

Okay.

Go!

Engen, Engen, watch your queen's side.

Your flank is vulnerable. A double pawn is a dead pawn.

Double your rooks, invade a seventh rank! Engen!

You try that against Bronx Science

and you are shark bait.

- Check. - Simone.

What are you doing with the pawn?

Seize the initiative. You got a back-rank mate.

Finish him off. Mercy is for girls.

I am a girl.

Not in here, you're not, mister.

- I resign. - You what?

Don't you ever say those words

in front of these brave chess players.

She-she's gonna win in-in one move.

You got time on your clock.

Pick up your king, and move it, mister.

- Checkmate. - 'Alright.'

Let it go for the throat, big red.

I want you to replace Engen on fourth board.

How's that make you feel, tiger?

I feel melancholy.

Like the long withdrawing roar of the sea.

Say that again. No, don't.

I'm sorry, but I don't like the way you yelled at Arvid.

I-I don't think I wanna be on your chess team anymore.

I know you hate the word, but I resign.

Well, that's too bad.

She's got the talent

but she doesn't have the taste for blood.

Women.

I feel terrible. Simone quit because of me.

Well, at least you're back to fourth board now.

Alright, listen up. Here are the team assignments for the match.

"First board, Blunden.

"Second board, Lazarotto.

"Third board, Scarpeze.

Fourth board, Lee."

- Lee? Lee? - Lee?

Uh, uh, excuse me, sir. Um..

Well, wasn't I next in line?

You ride the pine, Engen.

- Why? - Why?

Because you...are a loser.

- 'Arv. Arvid.' - 'Oh, come on. Arvid.'

Alright, that's it. Hit the showers, you wood pushers.

[indistinct chatter]

So, Mr. Moore..

Thought you backed out of the match.

What are you here for? To back back in?

What's the deal with you, Frank?

I mean, ever since I came to Fillmore

all I get from you is a hard time.

It-it's not really fair.

I'm just doin' my job.

[chuckles] Yeah, right.

Your job.

Well, what's that supposed to mean?

[chuckles] It's supposed to mean

I'm the one with the master's degree.

What are you?

You're a substitute teacher.

An out of work actor.

Spear carrier.

Okay, so you got a masters, I got a spear.

What's your point?

Well, here's the point.

You end up teaching the geniuses in the IHP

and I'm stuck with a class full of car thieves.

Please, don't talk to me about fair, okay?

I am twice the historian you are

and I happen to be an excellent teacher.

Well, since I've been witnessing

your excellent teaching techniques

I-I've-I've seen one of your students quit the chess club

and another run from the room in tears.

Hey, if chess is too tough for 'em

let 'em join the football team.

This is how I coach.

And so far, it seems to be working.

Fillmore always has a winning team.

Yeah? Well, right now, Arvid Engen does not

look like a winner.

Well, I, I really love Simone sometimes.

You know, sometimes I hate her. And then, I..

- Arvid? You alright? - Mr. Moore.

Oh, yeah, sometimes when I'm, uh, when I'm upset

I talk to my picture of Einstein here.

Well, I'm not a Nobel Prize winner

but if you, uh, want to talk to an actual human being

you can try me.

There's nothing to do, Mr. Moore.

I-I'm all washed up in chess.

Mr. Tarish is right. I'm a loser.

Not from my side of the board.

Well, you saw. I-I-I got beaten by Simone.

By-by a girl who-who wouldn't even hurt a fly.

In fact, I saw her help one once.

I can't do anything right.

Arvid, I don't really enjoy standing here

listening to you put yourself down.

You are good at a lot of things.

- And chess is just one of 'em. - Like what?

Well, you're an excellent mathematician.

Sure, the crowd goes wild

when I calculate the area of a trapezoid.

Arvid, you're more than intellectual abilities.

That's true. I.. I am a sharp dresser.

Yeah, you're-you're certainly unique.

You see, but that's not enough, Mr. Moore.

Chess was the one way I could get people to notice me.

And now, Mr. Tarish has taken that away.

Maybe not.

I'm going back in there, I'm gonna challenge Mr. Tarish

to a chess match.

Mr. Moore, that's crazy, you can't beat him.

I can win with your help.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Okay, Mr. Moore.

I got the earphone all hooked up.

You know, but I-I still don't think

this whole thing is gonna work.

Ah. Now, come on, Arvid.

- Some confidence, huh? - Right, confidence.

Okay. Dennis, how you doin'?

- I got bars. We're all set. - Okay, now you remember.

Anybody asks why you're videotaping, you just tell 'em

it's for your broadcast journalism class, right?

- Right. - Okay.

You are following the action here. You're monitoring it.

You're transmitting all the right moves to me, okay?

- Okay, I have confidence. - Good.

I have confidence this will never work.

Mr. Moore, how about hand signals?

Look, here's the chess board.

You have eight rows and eight columns.

You use these eight fingers.

So, for instance, pawn to king four would be..

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Arvid, go wipe down CHL-79

and set the lights for 3200K.

Yeah, I guess that would be simpler.

Well, if you're ready to go, Dennis

I guess, I better get up to the match.

You know, I gotta tell you, I'm pretty shocked.

I can't believe you're cheatin'.

Hah. I'm not cheating.

Mr. Moore, I'm Dennis Blunden.

I know cheating. This is cheating.

This is everything you've ever told me not to do

rolled into one big, beautiful scam.

Not true. I'm not doing this for money.

And I'm gonna tell Mr. Tarish what I did afterwards.

Well, then that would make it one big, beautiful, dumb scam.

True.

[instrumental music]

Well, what's really interesting is

how a diseased liver can swell up.

Imagine, a gray Jell-O mold big enough to serve 12.

Okay, okay. You wanna be a surgeon, Sarah.

Doesn't mean you have to make us all sick.

This is all my fault.

I mean, if I hadn't quit the chess team

none of this would have happened.

Come on, Simone, there's no reason for you to feel guilty.

After Mr. Moore gets creamed, then you can feel guilty.

I don't know about this chess match, Miss Meara.

Blood feud between teachers, it could get ugly.

- Mm-hmm. - Hey, Dr. Samuels, smile.

Let's get this thing over with.

[applause]

- 'Bravo!' - 'Bravo!'

[cheering]

- 'Whoo! Yeah!' - 'Let's go.'

Okay, Mr. Moore, let's try it out.

Uh, if you can hear me

scratch your nose.

Good, good, it works.

Unless, of course, your nose is really itchy.

Mr. Tarish plays white.

It's gonna work.

Ready?

Yeah, I knew it. He's going for a Ruy Lopez, Mr. Moore.

He wants an, an open game with lots of action.

We play a closed game, the Caro-Kann.

'It'll drive him up the wall, okay?'

'Pawn to queen, bishop three.'

Pawn to queen, bishop three, you weenie.

Come on into the center, Moore.

(Arvid on earphone) 'Okay, good, good.'

'Pawn to queen four.'

Oh, oh. A Caro-Kann defense.

[chuckles] Who do you think you are, Gary Kasparov?

Uh, no, I'm just, uh, Charlie Moore.

- 'Pawn takes pawn.' - Take the pawn?

Talkin' to yourself, huh?

(Arvid) 'Okay, okay, don't worry, Mr. Moore.'

'I read Kasparov's book on the Caro-Kann.'

Queen's bishop to bishop four.

Have you read Kasparov's book on the Caro-Kann?

It's really fascinating. Uh, bishop to bishop four.

Alright, Mr. Russian chess expert

probably a commie, here we go.

Knight on to third.

The gambit variation.

I know this one.

[instrumental music]

Mr. Moore's up two pieces

but Tarish will never resign.

This is great, you're up two pieces!

I, I mean, we're up two..

I'm up two pi..

I'm beating him, Mr. Moore.

'I am beating Coach Tarish.'

Sorry, Mr. Moore.

It is you. Hi, Arvid.

Tammy.

- What are you doing in here? - No, no, wait, wait.

I'm-I'm-I'm just fixing the janitor's TV set, you see.

There we go. "Divorce Court."

- I love "Divorce Court." - No, you don't.

I, I mean, it's so depressing. I-I mean..

...it'll undo all the work we did in peer counseling.

You know, those were some of the nicest hours of my life.

I always like the way you really listen to me.

What's wrong with Mr. Moore? He's running out of time.

Uh, well, I feel it's only fair to warn you, uh..

...this knight is about to take this pawn, and he's done it.

[chuckles]

- 'Oh.' - 'Blunder.'

Tarish won his knight back.

Since you're not my peer counselor anymore

would you like to go out with me sometime?

Go out?

Sure.

Alright.

Okay, uh, this rook is taking this bishop.

- Well, thank you. - What..

- 'Oh!' - 'Oh!'

So, this bishop will take this pawn.

I love it when they die a slow death.

- He's had it. - I can't take the suspense.

You think you're nervous, look at Arvid.

Rook to...no.

Knight to king's eight.

Check!

Check? Check!

Alright, big deal. You checked me.

[clears throat]

Huh.

Queen to rook's eight.

Check.

- Hmm. - 'Check.'

- Now, what? - He's got Mr. Moore's queen.

Uh..

...rook to..

...king's bishop eight.

- Checkmate? - Checkmate!

[all cheering]

- I won! I won! - Yeah, yeah.

What's goin' on here?

Well, what's going on is that

Arvid just beat you at chess.

By playing through this transmitter

and I just moved the pieces.

[all cheering]

Wait a minute, wait, wait a minute..

You beat me, Engen?

That's impossible. You're a loser.

N-n-n-no, I'm not.

I-I can play as well as anyone.

As long as you didn't yell at me and intimidate me

and hover over me like some vulture.

I could be mistaken, um, Mr. Tarish.

No, no, no, no. Stand up for yourself.

I liked it, and I loved that last knight move.

That was a killer.

- Yeah? - 'Yeah.'

Listen, Arvid, you need me to back off, I'll back off.

Hell, I'll move to Jersey if it'll help you

play a tournament like this.

[indistinct chatter]

Does this mean I'm back on fourth board?

No.

You're on first board.

- Alright. - Arvid! Great.

Thank you, chess master.

- Arvid! - That's good.

Arvid, congratulations.

Listen, Frank, uh..

[chuckles] I'm-I'm-I'm glad we're getting this straightened out.

Straightened out? What, are you trying to be funny?

You humiliated me.

Well, it's may be just a pointer I took from you.

[chuckles]

What are you drivin' at?

Well, I, I didn't set out to humiliate you, Frank.

But as long as you feel that's what I did

perhaps you can imagine how Arvid feels

when you yell at him.

Hey, lots of kids respond to the way I coach.

Well, lots of them don't.

Now, how many kids in your chess club have dropped out?

Okay, Mr. Chips, you tell me how you get the kids

to pay attention, to do their best?

Well, you know, some of them are more sensitive than others.

So, you gotta..

...understand each one as an individual.

- Sensitivity, huh? - Yeah.

Well, you might be right.

Well, if it works for a chump like you, it's worth a shot.

Well, I'm glad we see eye to eye on this, Frank.

And, um, thank you, Dr. Samuels

for spearheading this explosion of intrafaculty support.

[instrumental music]

So, are you and Mr. Tarish friends now?

Well, I don't know that I would call us friends

but, uh, I think we're starting to clear the air.

Dr. Samuels, could I ask you a question?

Why did you choose me

rather than Frank Tarish to teach the IHP class?

Well, how can I say this without giving you a swelled head?

The truth is because..

...you're less of a jerk than he is.

There, I said it.

Well, actually, Dr. Samuels, that's probably the nicest thing

you've ever said about me.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[music continues]