Original subtitles

[theme music]

So, uh, what are you doing your science project on, Janice?

Snakes.

[screams]

[laughing] I love it, Janice.

I tell you, the classics are always the best.

Dennis! You made me tear my blouse on the locker door!

It's ruined!

[Dennis chuckles] You think that's funny?

Well, yeah. Come on, Janice. It's kind of funny.

You owe me $180.

Now, Janice, that's not funny.

Dennis, my parents bought me this blouse in Japan.

It is pure silk.

I want my money.

- Get out of here. - This isn't over, Dennis.

I'm not some wimpy marshmallow you can just push around.

- Yeah. - Like Arvid.

(female #1) 'And furthermore, you may be the principal'

'of this high school, but you can't tell me'

'what to do on my free time.'

My life is my own!

Pompous tub of guts.

Is he like that all day long?

Well..

[whispers] ...yes.

(Dr. Samuels) 'I heard that, Mrs. Ferris. Get in here!'

'I want you to explain these requisition forms'

'to this new art teacher.'

Excuse me.

Couldn't help but overhear you yelling at Dr. Samuels.

I was very impressed.

Thank you.

I don't know how you work with that guy.

Ah, you don't work with him, you work around him.

- It's a long way around. - Yeah.

- Charlie Moore. - Gilda Maneti.

Haven't seen you before. Are you new here?

Yes. Matter of fact, I am. I just moved here from DC.

Oh, Washington. Quite a town.

Yes. It's a fascinating place.

But there's, uh, too much

immorality and deceit there for me.

Yeah. Politicians.

Ex-husband.

[bell rings]

- Gotta get going. - Me too.

Look, how'd you like to have lunch today?

Uh, I'm sorry, I can't.

- Well, okay. Dinner tonight? - Uh--

I know this great little Greek joint, just opened.

Good food, music, dancing--

I-I'm really not dating right now.

I'm sorry. If you're seeing someone, I--

No, no. It's just I..

- Well, why not? - Okay.

- Sure. - Good.

Uh, I'm staying with relatives

until I can find a place of my own.

- I'll pick you up about 8:00? - Uh, fine.

Okay. See you then.

Why are you still here?

Tell you the truth, Harold, I'm trolling for guys.

You better be joking.

Anybody here hits on my sister, he's dead meat.

Actually, the jury system

can be traced back to the 11th century.

Now before that, people were literally tried by torture.

If you survive the rack, you were innocent..

...and tall.

[bell rings]

- Okay, see you tomorrow. - Thanks, Mr. Moore.

Uh, listen, you girls.

- Y-you both have an art class? - Yeah.

Um, I was wondering

if you could tell me anything about the new art teacher.

You know, hobbies, special interests

favorite flower.

Well, why would you want to know that, Mr. Moore?

To tell the truth, we have a date tonight.

Well, gee, I wouldn't have thought

Mr. Feeny was your type.

- Who's Mr. Feeny? - The new art teacher.

- Then who is Gilda Maneti? - I don't know.

Oh, well, thank you.

Oh, oh, if it's any help

Mr. Feeny did mention he likes to hunt.

(Gilda) 'He's late.'

And if he thinks I'm just gonna

stand around looking like..

[knock on door]

- How do I look? - Uh--

Never mind.

Be nice.

I'm always nice.

Besides, how bad of a guy can this be?

Please tell me you have a twin brother

who's the principal of a high school.

Charlie.

Well, you obviously know my brother.

Yeah.

Oh.

I'm sorry, I-I should have realized

this might be awkward for you.

I'm not sure awkward is quite the right word.

They're beautiful.

Harold, water.

[grunting]

I know. I-I'm the same way on dates.

You know, you tell yourself relax, just be yourself

and-and then I sound to myself

like I'm on National Public radio.

- I know what you mean. Sit. - Thanks.

Ah, I'm much more relaxed talking to 12 men in a jury box

than I am to one man in the back of a cab.

Well..

Say this, you-you really make criminal law sound fascinating.

I wish that you could talk to my first period history class.

Sure. What are they charged with?

They're honor students

and we're studying the American legal system

and you'd make a great guest lecturer.

- Okay. - Tomorrow?

Tomorrow?

- Uh-- - I'll walk you to school.

I'll even carry your books.

Gee, you must really like me.

Can't you tell?

[clears throat]

Well, hello.

I didn't expect to see you two here

at 1:30 in the morning on a school night.

But how can you represent someone that you know is guilty?

- Yeah. - Ah, I don't know.

As a defense counselor

I am ethically obligated to defend my client

and provide him with the best possible defense

no matter what I think about his innocence or guilt.

That's for the court to decide.

After all, I could be wrong.

Well, what if you were defending Al Capone

or Charles Manson or, um..

- Lizzie Borden? - Yeah.

Right. I mean, how could you defend murderers like them?

People who are definitely guilty?

Well, for one thing, Lizzie Borden was innocent.

- What? - She was?

She was tried and acquitted

in a court of law.

What about that poem?

"Lizzie Borden took an axe

and gave her mother 40 whacks."

If she were alive today, she could file

a 20 million dollar libel suit.

You see how easy it is to assume something without proof?

Uh, that's why we don't try people by opinion.

We try them by the facts, by the law.

Well, why don't we thank Miss Maneti

for an enlightening discussion?

[applause] Thank you all.

Thank you, Charlie. I enjoyed it.

I always thought that the law would be boring.

But not the way you talk about it.

Are you working on anything interesting now?

I have a murder case pending.

It can wait.

I want you to sue that creep over there.

He wrecked my blouse.

[imitates Janice] "He wrecked my blouse."

[bell rings]

You could take him to small claims court.

Great. Make a run for the border, Blunden.

Oh, I'm shakin'. I'm shakin'.

I have a question for Miss Maneti.

- Mm-hmm. - You guys dating or what?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Dating? Uh, yes, I guess we are.

- Oh, great. - Wow.

- Way to go, Mr. Moore. - Yeah.

She sure is a lot cuter than Mr. Feeny, huh?

You okay?

Yeah.

Why do you ask?

I don't know, I..

You've just been very quiet.

Oh, I'm sorry, uh..

Just been thinking about something.

I've been thinking about us, actually.

I really like you, Charlie.

I feel the same way.

I mean, I really like you.

I like you more than any woman I've met in a long time.

You're terrific.

Ah, you've got this great sense of humor

and you're intelligent and kind and generous.

- You're a wonderful guy. - Thanks.

I don't think we should see each other anymore.

What?

I don't think we should see each other anymore.

I got that part. I..

Why?

- Because I like you. - So?

Well, every time I start liking somebody

I wind up getting hurt.

Oh, you're the one that gets hurt.

Yeah.

And it's already started.

You were late, Charlie. 22 minutes.

You were late yesterday too.

And this morning when you came to pick me up for school.

I know the signals.

Ah, next thing you know, you'll stand me up

and then you'll be working late at the office.

And then, huh, then, well, I'll find you in a motel room

with an aerobics instructor named Tina.

Are you listening to yourself?

I mean, y-you're totally irrational.

I am not irrational.

I am a defense attorney. I think I know the difference

between an intelligent discussion

'and an emotional outburst.'

You, get back in there!

You-you want irrational? Huh?

You are-are gonna throw away

a-a potentially wonderful relationship

because you have hang ups about your ex-husband

and some aerobics instructor.

Well, what about your refusal

to take responsibility for your action?

I know I'm sending mixed messages.

You're doing the same thing. Admit it.

Fine. You want a message that is not mixed?

Let's just back off for a while.

- A while is mixed. - Okay. Let's just back off.

- Fine. I'll leave. - Great.

Well, great.

- Goodbye. - Goodbye.

Oh, Dennis.

You see, now you're gonna push Janice too far.

You can't hang her Captain Fuzzy Blue.

It-it's her favorite.

Hey, Arvid, this is just a subtle way

of getting her to back off.

Don't do it, Dennis.

Mr. Moore, all I'm trying to do is..

How do you like that? He didn't stop.

He didn't take me aside. No heart-to-heart talk.

No nothing.

What kind of attitude is that for a teacher?

Excuse me.

Is one of you, uh, Dennis Blunden?

- Him. Dennis! - Him. Dennis!

- What is it? - A summons.

You've got to go to small claims court, kid.

- What for? - I don't know.

- Guess you stiffed somebody. - I sti..

Hey, I didn't do anything.

Yeah, that's what they all say.

Uh, where did we leave off yesterday?

Oh, um, we were gonna discuss

some of the issues that Miss Maneti brought up.

Well, that was yesterday.

Let's discuss something else today, okay?

Uh, how about the supreme court?

You know, what's interesting to me

is how justices often abandon their allegiance

to the presidents who appointed them.

That's a good point.

Well, according to Miss Maneti--

Oh, well, now Miss Maneti was very interesting

but if you want a stable, reliable opinion

from somebody without, you know, emotional problems

I'd suggest going to Oliver Wendell Holmes.

- She dumped him. - Yeah, sure.

Look, uh, you don't have the facts

and it's none of your business..

...and you're right.

Uh, but it has no bearing on this history class.

Ah, don't worry, Mr. Moore.

There's plenty other fish in the sea.

That's right. The important thing

is to get out of the house and be with people.

Thank you. I-I-I really don't want to discuss it, okay?

Oh, come on, Mr. Moore.

You're always makin' us talk about our stuff.

You wanna go out in the hall?

Okay, if you really must know, uh

I was uncomfortable dating Dr. Samuels' sister.

Oh, that's no reason to stop dating her, Mr. Moore.

You remember what you told me when I said

I didn't like Simone's parents.

What's wrong with my parents?

We'll talk about that later, Simone.

Mr. Moore is having some emotional problems.

No, I'm not. I'm not.

Uh, Miss Maneti has the problems.

[indistinct chatter]

Alright. So I was late

picking her up a couple of times.

My lock's stuck.

Now that's been sticking for a while, hasn't it?

Yes.

Well, why don't you get it fixed?

- 'Yeah.' - 'Yeah.'

Mr. Moore, you're repressing.

You know, my therapist would say that being late

is merely a subconscious expression

of your reluctance to make a commitment.

On the other hand, he could just have a cheap lock.

You've seen where he lives.

Thanks. That's enough. I'll be fine.

Of course, you will, Mr. Moore.

And look on the bright side.

It's a lot easier to get into a movie theater

on a Saturday night when all you need is one seat.

- Take it from him. - 'Yeah.'

Thank you both, thank you all.

Arvid, my court case against Janice is today.

I need your help, buddy.

Hey, Dennis, whatever you want.

- We're best friends. - Oh.

[gasps]

Listen, I want you to be my main character witness.

Now all you gotta do is tell the judge that you know

that I would never do anything to intentionally

harm or embarrass another human being.

[laughing]

Hey, Jawaharlal. Wanna be my friend?

No. But thanks.

Character witness?

[laughing]

Miss Maneti, guess what. I've got my court date.

Courtroom 12-C, Judge Ronald P. Osgood

four o'clock today.

Oh, good for you.

I have my material evidence

several proofs establishing precedent

and I watched "LA Law" last night.

All I need now is for you to act as my guardian ad litem.

Oh, why don't you ask Mr. Moore?

I can't. I've got him under subpoena.

Will you do it?

Um, four o'clock today?

I've got an arraignment after lunch.

- Sure. - Hot biscuits.

Well, see you in court, counselor.

[bell rings]

- Hi. - Hi.

Uh, I'm just here because, uh

Harold got some of his paperwork mixed up with mine last night.

Be pretty hard to defend a man on armed robbery charges

with Larry Finn Bart's report card.

- Yeah. - What about you?

- I work here. - Oh, right.

- Goodbye. - Bye.

If it please the court, may I enter as exhibit N

the receipt of the aforementioned blouse?

As you can see, the purchase price

'was 23,940 yen.'

'How, you may well ask..'

[softly] How's it going?

Well, so far Janice has placed

14 pieces of evidence before the judge.

And Dennis has been rereading his index card.

A lot.

- Oh, Mr. Moore. - Oh, sorry.

- 'Shh.' - Exhibit O.

The official exchange rate of the yen

'on the date of purchase. $180.'

I object!

Sorry. Sorry, Your Honor.

[bangs gavel] You can't object.

This is small claims court.

'The only person who can object here is me.'

And as for you, young lady, I object to the fact

that you're taking up so much of the court's time.

- Hi. - Hi.

(Janice) Very well, Your Honor.

If I could beg the court's indulgence for a moment

I will establish prima facie evidence

of the defendant's liability.

- And stop using Latin. - Yes, sir.

Go ahead.

Charlie, I-I want to apologize

for the way I acted the other night.

It's okay, Gilda, I understand.

You do?

Actually, no.

Why the hell did you act like that?

I've been burned before.

Well, you're not the only one who's been burned, you know.

I know, but when you showed up late, uh

it brought back bad memories.

You'll find all the evidence you'll need in here, Your Honor.

See how scary that is, sir?

You do that again and I'll teach you some Latin.

'Is that it? Are you finished?'

Well, I do have an eyewitness.

You couldn't have called him sooner?

Charlie, from our very first date, I..

Plaintiff calls Charles Moore--

Don't do that. I do that.

And there is no stand.

- Are you listening? - Yes, yes, I'm listening.

Uh, from our first date. Uh, I'll tell you.

From the moment we met, I thought to myself..

Look, I can't tell you what I thought to myself.

- Mr. Moore. - Yes.

But I-I knew even then

that I was gonna push things--

- Mr. Charles Moore. - What do you want?

What do I want? Get up here!

Do you swear to tell the truth--

Don't do that! I do that too.

Mr. Moore, do you swear to tell the truth

the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

- Yes, I do. - Good. Now you go.

Mr. Moore, would you, please, describe to the court

where you were on the morning of the 14th

at approximately 8:44?

[clears throat]

I was, uh

entering Fillmore High School.

The witness entered said building here

while the alleged perpetrator was lurking by my locker here.

So what are you saying? You wanna call it quits?

No, I never said that. I would like to make it work.

That's what my ex-husband said.

Well, your ex-husband was a liar.

I am telling the truth.

I ask the questions first

then you tell the truth.

Very well.

Now then, did you see the defendant

as you entered the building?

[mumbling]

- Yes, I did. - I told you what he did.

Yes, with the aerobics instructor.

[clears throat] Excuse me.

You saw the defendant with an aerobics instructor?

No, Your Honor, with my ex-husband.

- Her ex-husband. - Uh, then continue.

Well, does that mean you're never gonna trust anybody again?

- Not unless they're under oath. - That's it!

What the hell is going on here?

Your Honor, I move for a mistrial

on the grounds that this witness

is incapable of giving coherent testimony.

You wanna move something?

Move your keister up here.

[bangs gavel] Get up here.

Did you put rubber snakes in her locker?

[scoffs] Your Honor--

Answer the question under oath

or under penalty of perjury.

- Uh-huh. - Good.

You pay her 180 bucks.

- A hundred? - Yes.

And you, you're gonna make a good lawyer

but you're not a good lawyer yet

so you go to law school.

And you two, you sit there

'you try and work things out.'

Me, I'm gonna take a coffee break.

[bangs gavel] Court is in recess.

[indistinct chatter]

- Congratulations, Janice. - Thank you.

Yeah.

Well, uh..

...why don't you tell me what you want?

I don't know.

I, I just know I'm scared.

I'm scared too.

But I'm not gonna let that come between us

whatever our relationship turns out to be, so..

I don't know what else I can say.

Uh, sooner or later, it comes down to having a little faith.

You're still under oath?

Yeah.

Well..

...I guess that's as good as it gets.

- Wanna have some dinner? - Yeah.

Okay.

This guy's one of the biggest slumlords of the city.

I mean, you have no idea the conditions

under which his tenants live.

Well, they're not my clients, Charlie. He is.

Well, I, I don't know why you'd take this case.

I mean, I just don't understand you.

I knew they'd never last. I just knew it.

How dare you presume that my client is guilty?

Where do you wanna eat tonight?

- Luigi's. - Ooh.

How dare you presume he's guilty?

Counsel's copping out. Counsel's copping out.

I think they're lasting.

[theme music]