Original subtitles

[theme music]

So to wrap it up, Ronald Reagan

is known as the Teflon President

because nothing sticks to him.

Well, I guess in that case, you'd call Jimmy Carter

the Velcro President because everything stuck to him.

What does that make Richard Nixon?

The Saran Wrap President.

Covered everything up, but you could still see through him.

Ah.

[bell rings]

Okay, uh, tomorrow we'll trash the First Ladies.

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, Janice. I've got two tickets

to the New York Chamber ensemble.

It's an all Mozart night.

- Would you like to go? - I'd love to.

There's nothing like Mozart's

"Ein Musikalischer Spass K. 522"

for raising your soul to the heights

of intellectual and emotional bliss.

- When is it? - Next Tuesday.

Oh, buggers.

I have a girls' scout meeting that night.

- I can't go. - I'll go.

Oh, I'd rather go with someone who appreciates chamber music.

Hey, I appreciate chamber music.

Really?

Simone, have you ever heard me knock it?

Quick, tell me everything you know about chamber music.

Mr. Moore, I'd like to give you a list

of available after-school activities.

I wanna know why you're the only staff member

who isn't a faculty advisor to some club.

- Just lucky, I guess. - Pick one.

"Math.

"Stamps.

"Future farmers?

Radio?" Is there a-a radio club here?

I love it. I'll-I'll-I'll take that.

- You got it. - Uh, who's in it?

Just me.

I'm the president, the secretary

chief engineer and announcer.

Well, this is gonna be so great, Arvid.

I mean, I spent hours just listening

to Jack Benny and Arthur Godfrey

"The Green Hornet."

Oh, yeah? You know, we have an insect show too.

Maybe I'll just bring in some tapes.

That's great. This is so exciting.

I mean, imagine two guys as different as us

sharing a common passion for radio.

Yeah, it is kind of exciting, you know.

So, uh, what do you estimate your listenership to be?

Oh, uh, eight.

Eight hundred is not bad.

No, just eight.

Well, there's, uh, let's see. There's Marshal Lansky

uh, uh, Brandon McCarthy, Owen Konkle.

Now eight is a good start, Arvid.

Let's, uh, forge ahead to double digits.

Hey, I think we can do it.

I have got some really tremendous programs coming up.

Ooh, like what?

Well, an exclusive interview

with Mr. Weller, the calculus teacher.

He's gonna discuss mean value theorems

and their relation to series integration.

- Sounds interesting. - Interesting?

It's a barn burner!

Listen, Arvid, uh

we could do so many different things here.

I mean, uh, like National Public Broadcasting.

We can do the news, we can do, you know

old radio dramas, live concerts--

Oh, oh, Mr. Moore, I'm sorry. I have to hit the airwaves.

- Oh! - Put it on.

- Electrify 'em, Arvid. - Okay.

Good afternoon.

This is Arvid Engen for WFHS Radio

and welcome to the wild, wild world of chess.

You still looking for a date for chamber music night?

I'm not looking for a date, Eric.

I-I'm looking for a companion to share the experience.

Does the Ravel Introduction and Allegro

mean anything to you?

- I love Ravel. - Hm. Who doesn't?

His "Tombeau de Couperin" is one of my favorites.

Really? I'm impressed.

Tell me. Do you prefer Beethoven's

early, middle or late quartets?

I, I like them the way he intended.

The early ones in the morning and the late ones at night.

Nice try, Eric.

[bell rings] Damn.

Good morning, everybody.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

Okay, I got a question for you.

How many of you realize

that Fillmore High has its very own radio station?

How many care?

You poor, deprived..

...unenlightened children.

You realize what this radio station

is capable of becoming?

Exactly what it is now.

Making the airwaves boring in square waves.

WNRD.

- Nerd Radio. - Nerd Radio.

Yeah, go ahead and laugh. Very funny. Ha-ha-ha.

But things are gonna change, right, Mr. Moore?

Right. Arvid and I are going to expand

the format of the station.

We're gonna make it the hottest high school

radio station in all of New York City.

And I'm sure that we welcome all of your contributions.

Mr. Moore, we appreciate you're interested

in involving us in what obviously promises

to be an extraordinary radio club.

But the truth of the matter is..

Well, how can I put this? Maria?

[scoffs] We'd rather get Cs.

- Yeah. - Exactly.

Fine. Subject is closed.

Uh, we'll go back to history.

December 7, 1941.

Japanese planes attack Pearl Harbor.

A day that will live in infamy.

The most devastating attack in US naval history.

And you know, Americans at home

watching this on television couldn't believe their eyes.

- What? - What are you saying?

Come on, Mr. Moore, there was no television.

Well, then how did they get the news?

(all) Radio!

Aah!

And let's not forget the inspiring wartime orations

of Winston Churchill.

[bell rings]

Okay, so tomorrow we'll talk about Roosevelt and his views

to the radio fireside chats to unify the American people.

Well, Mr. Moore, doesn't look like you, uh

generated any radio activity.

It's still just you and me.

I haven't given up yet, Arvid.

Uh, do you know what Jack Benny would say

in a situation like this?

What?

[as Jack Benny] Oh, Dennis.

Please, Mr. Moore, I don't wanna be on dweeb radio.

Dennis, I don't think you have a real understanding

of what radio is.

Yes, I do. It's broken TV.

[laughs]

In a sense, you're right, Dennis.

But you see, you could do comedy like that

on your own radio show.

Oh, now wait, I can have my own show?

Sure.

I mean, you could do jokes and, uh, satire.

Crazy interviews.

Uh, you know, right?

Uh, yeah. Uh, sure.

I mean, I was thinking in terms of something

maybe more educational, but, uh..

W-well, no, yes, fine.

Right. So what do you say?

[gurgling]

Try to stay awake, because coming up right now

is my exclusive interview with the warden of this slammer

the one, the only, Dr. Harold Samuels.

Welcome, Dr. S.

Now you've been to Harvard, Yale

Princeton, Cornell, Dartmouth.

Do you miss driving a bus?

[as Dr. Samuels] Very funny, Blunden.

Now I have an important announcement.

Listen up. To all students.

Tomorrow is Silly Day.

'I want all students to wear their underwear'

on the outside of their clothing.

This is me leaving.

Go, team!

[as himself] Hey, Dr. Samuels, watch out for that first step.

[crash]

Oh! Ooh. Ooh.

[crash]

'Well, turning from the cerebral to the pointless'

I'd like to take you right now to the metal shop

where Mr. Labrosa is teaching the care and handling

of the common household chainsaw.

[chainsaw whirring]

[screams]

Well, I see by the clock in the trash

that it has just struck 13:00.

And so as the sun buries itself

deep in the Secaucus toxic waste dump

I'd like to leave you with the words

of Soren Kierkegaard

who wrestled with two of life's eternal questions.

One, if it's takeout, do you have to tip?

And two, if there is a merciful God

how do we explain Wayne Newton?

Well, Mr. Moore, what do you think?

On a scale of 1 to 10, what about 160?

That was fine, Dennis. You think so, Arvid?

Oh, yeah, great.

Wait till you guys hear what I'm gonna play.

Some "Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy."

One of the classic ventriloquist acts of all time.

Wait, a ventriloquist act on radio?

How do you know the guy wasn't movin' his lips?

Thanks, Dennis. You just ruined my childhood.

M-Mr. Moore, h-have you forgotten

about my chess show because--

Arvid, of course not. I'm just..

I'm almost on here.

Hi there. Welcome back to radio land.

This is the old professor Charlie Moore

whisking you from the contemporary comedy

of our own Dennis Blunden

'to the classic comedy'

'from the golden age of radio.'

It's the "Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy Show."

(Edgar on radio) 'Here's your nemesis, Charlie McCarthy.'

(McCarthy on radio) 'Hello, mister..'

Hey, Arv, give me a glass of water, will you?

(McCarthy) '...going away on a vacation, huh?'

(Edgar) 'Well, do you wanna make anything out of it?'

(McCarthy) 'No.'

'Uh, Mr. Field, a-are you eating a tomato'

'or is that your nose?'

[laughter on radio]

Arvid, what happened to the radio station?

It's just not good lately.

Really?

Well, we have been doing a few different things.

Well, where's the chess?

Where's the stamp collector's corner?

And what happened to insect of the week?

Well, it-it's just..

Uh, uh, w-why are you wearing your underwear on the outside?

You heard Dr. Samuels.

This is Silly Day.

[all laughing]

It was on your radio station.

Well, it's not my radio station anymore.

Okay, alright. Break it up.

You, Fruit Of The Loom gang, get in my office.

Ah, Eric, I've been thinking about the chamber concert

and, well, how hard you've been trying

to be interested just for me.

And I think that's really sweet.

So would you like to go to the concert with me?

Look, Simone, I woke up this morning

and I looked in the mirror, and you know what?

I didn't like what I saw.

I realized I was force-feeding myself chamber music

just to get a date with you.

Now this, this is not me, Simone.

You're right. I understand.

It's hard trying to be someone you're not.

I wouldn't want you to change.

W-w-w-wait, wait, wait, I didn't say

I won't go with you, Simone. I was just..

(man on radio) 'Ladies and gentlemen, I have a grave announcement'

'to make.'

'Incredible as it may seem'

'both the observations of science'

'and the evidence of our eyes'

'lead to the inescapable assumption'

'that those strange beings

'who landed in the Jersey farmlands tonight'

'are the vanguard of an invading army'

'from the planet Mars..'

Wait a minute, Mr. Moore.

People actually believe this?

Believe it?

"War Of The Worlds" caused a nationwide panic.

Mr. Moore, but it was different then.

- Life was simpler. - Yeah.

Come on, Mr. Moore, you don't think we could do this

on our radio station?

Of course, we could.

I-I already figured out

'how we can make it appear contemporary.'

We pretend to be getting feeds

from National Public Broadcasting.

I have a question. Why?

Well, you weren't listening to the radio

but you tuned in to hear Dennis.

- And you liked it, right? - Yeah.

And-and you gotta love the nostalgia stuff

that I've been playing.

Nostalgia to me is a Bee Gees record.

Okay. Anyway

uh, now you're gonna tune in

because you wanna see what happens.

- Okay? - Yeah.

That's what I want from the whole school.

Something this big could get their attention.

I see it. I see it.

You know, we could pull a hoax on this whole school.

- We could empty this place. - Yeah.

And then they'll wanna listen to what we do next.

Right. But we're not trying to panic anybody.

We just wanna get their attention.

Now once we have them hooked

then we could do any kind of show we want.

(Darlene) 'Yeah.'

Maria, you could do a phone-in talk show.

- Yeah. - 'That's great.'

Alan could be the next Paul Harvey.

- 'Alright.' - 'Yeah.'

Yeah, and don't forget about my chess program.

- Right. - Oh!

(Mr. Moore) 'Well, there is that too.'

Look, I need some of you to help me write the script.

Some of you will be actors. And we need publicity.

Handbills, posters, things like that.

What we do, we advertise it first of all

as a comedy soap opera.

Once we have an audience that's listening to this, then..

- 'Oh, yeah.' - 'Great.'

[cheering]

Okay, so then you'll need the posters

and the flyers by Tuesday.

I really appreciate it.

You're really getting into this radio thing, huh?

It just seemed to be crying out for the old Charlie Moore magic.

Well, I got some attendance reports that are crying out

for that old Charlie Moore magic too.

I will get to those.

It's just that right now I'm involved

in creating something fresh and exciting.

Now I hope that Arvid appreciates all the help

that you're giving him with his radio station.

He's getting into it. I mean, they all are.

We are turning this station around

and we're having a lot of fun doing it.

I think that in his own quiet way

Arvid loves the changes just as much as I do.

- Well, I hope you're right. - See you tomorrow.

'Goodnight.'

Uh, Mr. Moore.

Can I talk to you a minute? I--

Do-do, well, do you have problems with your part?

Well, uh, it's not about this show per se--

Arvid, w-we're about to go on the air.

I mean, can it wait till later?

- Uh, y-yeah. - Okay. Thanks.

Okay, everybody, places.

Five seconds to air.

"This is WFHS Fillmore on the air.

Welcome to the continuing saga of.."

[harmonica music]

"'...All My Parents.'

"Our story opens at Duckworth Boarding School

"where 12-year-old Samantha is waiting for her mother

"her father, her stepmother and her stepfather

"to arrive for her graduation.

We hear the doorbell."

Oh.

[tapping]

Oh.

[doorbell rings]

"Hi, mom. Hi, mom.

Hi, dad. Hi, dad."

(all) "Hi, Samantha."

"We interrupt this program with a special bulletin

"from National Public Broadcasting.

"WFHS will now patch in to NPB

for an up-to-the-minute report."

"This is Suzanne Scott for National Public Broadcasting

"speaking directly from our studios in Washington DC.

"We've received rumors that an unidentified flying object

"has landed just outside Saratoga, New York.

"State and local police are conducting a search

"but have not yet found any trace of the UFO.

"We will keep you up-to-date with any further developments.

Now we return you to your local programming."

"We bought you graduation gift, dear."

"Ho, ho, you deserve it, sweetheart.

You finished at the top of your class.

Go ahead and open it."

[paper crumpling]

"A puppy!"

[barks]

"You're the best four parents I've ever had.

Oops, I dropped him."

Oh.

[glass shatters] Oh, so sorry..

We interrupt again to bring you another special bulletin

from National Public Broadcasting.

"This is Suzanne Scott. We have just received word

"from officials in Saratoga that a spacecraft

"of undetermined origin has been located.

"We switch you now to the landing sight

and NPB reporter James Clark."

Oh, oh, I'm sorry. Uh, uh..

"We interrupt to bring..

We interrupt again.."

No, no, no, I mean, uh, this..

Oh, I can't do this. Forget it. I just..

"I'm in the midst of a scene of incredible activity.

'I'm surrounded by national guardsmen, state and local.."'

What's the matter, Arvid?

Mr. Moore, you don't know how hard it is for me

to say this because, well..

Well, I-I love radio just as much as you do, but..

...I don't wanna be a, a part of WFHS anymore.

I respectfully resign.

"Choppers with sophisticated laser detection equipment

"are hovering overhead.

"It's beginning to look as if we're about

to have the close encounter of the real kind."

[on speaker] 'With me now are Tiffany Owens and Melissa Thompson'

'two young ladies who witnessed the actual landing'

of the spacecraft.'

'Melissa, what were your thoughts'

'when you saw the rapid descending from the..'

Mr. Moore, I didn't believe it then

and I don't believe it now.

Yeah, well, you're a hard man to fool, Dr. Samuels.

(Darlene on radio) 'Jim, this is Suzanne. What's happening now?'

Arvid.

Mr. Moore, hi.

Arvid, I think, uh, we should have a talk.

Mr. Moore, I know.

I-I shouldn't have walked out on the program

and let everybody down.

I'm really sorry, I--

Arvid, I don't think

you're the one who should be apologizing.

Sure, I am. I mean, I quit.

Your new format i-is fun and exciting

and-and it's really working.

Uh, I'm not so sure.

(Arvid) 'What, what do you mean?'

[turns off radio] Uh, listen, Arvid, I mean..

...it has occurred to me that it was your radio station.

I mean, I-I-I just pushed you out.

No. No, no, your ideas are great.

I mean, I-I was standing in the way of progress.

I mean, I was a-a stick in the mud.

A-a fly in the ointment and..

I mean, I couldn't just come out and tell you that..

Um..

You couldn't tell me that you were angry with me?

[laughs]

Me, angry with you?

No, no, no.

I was wrong.

I-I made a mistake, Arvid.

I just rolled right over you with no consideration

for your feelings.

Didn't I?

Maybe a little.

So tell me.

I mean, yell at me, you know.

Give it to me. Give me your best shot.

Mr. Moore, I can't yell at you.

You're my teacher, my-my mentor.

You're a God.

I mean, you can't just yell at a God.

Arvid, I'm not God, okay?

I'm just a guy who got a little carried away with his plans

which don't seem to be working out too well.

Ah, look, I behaved like a jerk

and I deserve to be told that.

So tell me.

[sighs] Now, Mr. Moore, you know how I fall

in the face of authority.

You know, parents, teachers, crossing guards. It's just--

Arvid, I am an authority figure.

I am ordering you, criticize me.

It was my radio station.

It was my special thing and you..

Well, you pushed me out!

Y-y-you, you rolled right over me

without even considering my feelings!

Y-you got carried away with your ideas

which don't seem to have worked

a-and for a teacher and a mentor

you acted like a jerk!

How was that?

We now continue with a musical interlude.

We will keep you apprised of further details

as they occur.

Mr. Moore, how bad is it out there?

Running through the halls? Scared to death? Panic?

- Yeah. - Right, tell us.

I did see, uh, a worried face or two.

- Great. - Yes.

- Furrowed brows. - Right, wonderful.

- Nobody is listening. - What?

- Why? - What?

But we still learned a valuable lesson.

It's time for Fillmore Radio to stop

regroup and rethink itself.

You mean the radio station's dead?

- Again? - 'No.'

But Arvid here is going to work out a program schedule

that's gonna attract a much larger listenership

than we ever had before.

And I'm sure that he welcomes all of your contributions.

That's right. I want everyone to come up with all new ideas.

Well, sure. We could do a homework helper show.

- Great. - Of course, my chess program.

And, and maybe Mr. Moore could lighten things up

with a-a jazz show.

- Great. - How about this?

A group of Las Vegas showgirls

move in with a chubby yet virile high school genius?

I-I-I--

- Uh, I-I like it. - 'Yeah?'

I like it and I'll tell you why.

This is the important part.

On radio, Arvid could play

that chubby yet virile high school genius.

Hey, hey, come on. Now wait a minute.

So how was the chamber music concert?

It was great. Yeah, just great.

- I want the story. - No stories, okay?

Your first date with Simone, you're in a bad mood.

What's the matter? No kiss goodnight?

Simone got sick. She didn't even go.

She gave her ticket to somebody else.

- So who'd you go with? - Somebody else, okay?

- Who? - Hi, Eric.

You dropped your comb at the concert last night.

I'm so glad my girls' scout meeting was canceled.

Must have been fate.

Laugh and you're a dead man.

[theme music]