Original subtitles

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

- Morning, everyone. - Good morning.

- Morning. - My report, sir.

Oh, great, thanks.

Great. Okay.

- Here you go. - Thanks.

Where's your report, Dennis?

Oh, it's, uh, it's really good.

It's an A. A minus, easy.

Well, why don't you let me read it?

That way the grade will be more official.

- I'll get it to you. - Why is it late?

Well, you see, it's about, uh, the Iran-Iraq war

and, uh, there's a ceasefire.

Yeah, so?

I'm waitin' to see how it turns out.

Why don't you write it up to the point of the ceasefire?

Oh, uh, I have it up to that point. I have that.

Good. You'll give me that before today is finished, okay?

- Yeah. - Okay.

[clamoring]

I hate her.

I'd like to shove that stupid whistle down her stupid throat.

No, I'd like to take a barbell and wrap it around her head.

That's too good for her. We ought to tie her

to the trampoline and bounce on it for a couple of hours.

I got it. We make her run 100 laps

seal her in a rubber suit and then lock her in the sauna.

Then she'll know how it feels to sweat to death.

[all clamoring]

You know, if you're talking about Barbara Bush

you ought to give her a chance.

They're talking about the First Lady of girls' gym.

Oh, you mean, Holly Collingwood

teacher from the black lagoon?

- Yeah. - Oh, come on.

How bad can Miss Collingwood make girls' gym?

In the air force, she was known as the beast of basic training.

If General Patton were alive, she would've slapped him.

Mr. Moore, you've got to help us.

Talk to her. You would really hate her.

- Yeah. - Well, it sounds like fun.

But I think I'll pass.

Oh, come on, Mr. Moore, please?

Yeah, Mr. Moore, we need someone to get her to ease up on us.

Actually, I did read this ad for a hitman

in the latest "Soldier Of Fortune."

[bell rings]

- Well, another day. - Oh, Charlie.

You wanna chip in five bucks for Mrs. Kelsey's baby gift?

Uh, sure. What are we getting her?

Well, you know, I haven't decided yet.

I was thinking either some jammies or booties.

Maybe a blankie.

Gee, what about stockies or a bondie?

Yeah. By the way, have you met the new girls' gym teacher?

- Oh, Miss Collingwood? - Yeah.

- Sure. - What do you think of her?

She's nice. She straightened out that bent bike rack.

Sounds more and more interesting.

(Holly) 'Forty five!'

'Forty six.'

'Forty seven!'

'Forty eight!'

Forty nine! Fifty!

[whistles]

Up! I wanna see your happy smiling faces.

'Up! I do not wanna see feet!'

'I wanna see you flat on the floor when I turn around.'

On the line, find your spot with your toes!

Atten-hut!

Very good.

Drescher?

What is this?

A spin?

The thing that is spinning, Drescher.

The thing.

A ball?

Are you sure?

- Uh-huh. - Good.

Now that we know what it is..

...what do we do with it?

Nevins!

Spin it?

Incorrect.

We catch it, Nevins. Catch it.

Now what do I want you to do?

Catch it?

Throw it, Nevins, throw it.

You're pathetic.

I can see you girls need some concentrated work

on your upper body strength.

Merriman, how's your upper body strength?

Strong enough to hold a credit card.

[sniggers]

[laughs]

Then you'll be in big trouble

if you live beyond 19 years of age, won't you?

I don't wanna look like The Incredible Hulk.

I'd rather look like a woman.

Yeah, really.

You, too, Borges?

- Sort of. - Ah.

This sort of woman you're going to be..

...will she marry?

- I guess. - Hypothetical question!

You're happily married, you're at home.

Your seven-year-old child's

riding his tricycle in the driveway.

The neighbor comes home, runs over him

crushes him, he's pinned, what do you do?

Scream.

Too bad you don't have any upper body strength.

You could've saved his life.

As it turns out, he's a goner.

- Oh, my God! - Great.

You just set her therapy back three years.

Four-eyes, when I refer to the upper body

I don't mean the mouth.

Hit the ropes!

Leave her alone.

Did I say that?

Yes, Foster, you did.

I didn't realize you had a backbone. Let's test it out.

Sit-ups, 50 of them. Now!

Oh, no.

You don't have to do it, Simone.

[all clamoring]

We come to school to learn.

We're high school students, not Contras.

You know, nobody wants you here.

Why don't you go back to wherever it is you came from?

- Mm-hmm. - Yeah.

If you can find the rock.

Hey, that's enough.

Who are you?

Well, uh, forgive the intrusion, Miss Collingwood.

Uh, I'm-I'm Charlie Moore.

I teach history to most of these girls.

Although at the moment, I can't say I recognize them.

And I would like to apologize for their behavior.

Ah.

- What about yours? - Eh, sorry?

You, out!

[chuckles] Why?

Because I am the one in the gym garb

and you are the one in the history garb

so correct me if I'm wrong, but, you, sir

are pulling rank in the wrong room.

- Twenty laps, move. - Oh, come on.

[all clamoring]

Move, move, move, move!

You and I, sir, have a private caucus.

- There he is, come on. - Okay.

Mr. Moore, I know you're expecting my report

by the end of the day, but I have a good excuse

and I brought Arvid here to back me up.

- My computer-- - My word!

What is the name of the disease you two boys are carrying?

Oh, look at these fingers.

They look like they're cream filled.

What's holdin' your head up?

I've seen thicker necks on a snake.

Hey, we don't have to take that kind of talk from you.

Yeah, we're in boys' gym.

Oh, not at this moment, you're not.

Give me 20!

Laps, splatter brains.

You, Laurel, move.

Hardy, follow, go!

- Twenty laps. - M-Mr. Moore--

- It's your chance, run for it. - Go!

Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut!

Allow me to be direct.

I do not need to be rescued by any man

and furthermore, I do not allow another teacher

to waltz into my class and speak for me.

Uh, I'm sorry.

I-I'm very sorry if I stepped on your toes.

Uh, I'm-I'm sure that you had plans

to reprimand the girls.

Nope, no reprimand was in order.

Do you know anything about aikido, Mr. Moore?

- A little. - Oh.

Yeah, it's a defensive human exchange

in which you attempt to use your opponent's strength

against him or her.

That's how I teach.

I push. Finally, they're pushing back.

Oh.

I tear down useless individuals

and rebuild them back up into fine athletes.

Well, if that method works for you, uh..

Oh, it does

except for the odd time you've reassembled

an individual and you look over on the work bench

- and there's a spare-- - Spare part.

[laughs] I love that one.

Alright, come on! Get a move on, alright!

Come on, I wanna see some action!

How about you?

Well, I-I prefer to build them up rather than tear them down.

You know, you provide a blueprint for learning

and occasionally hammer in a loose pipe.

Whoa, that's good.

You wanna remember something like that

to say in your deathbed.

[whistles]

You are a tough one, aren't you?

- Wait, air force, right? - Second generation.

Born at Clovis, raised on 12 bases in the States

as well as the European theater.

Ooh. Well, sounds like an interesting life.

No complaints. Alright, come on!

Let's keep it moving over there!

Come on, ho-ho-ho-ho!

You know, Charlie, you're the first member

of the faculty who's even attempted

to communicate with me.

The others kind of wimp out.

Well, I, I have a tendency to be direct.

- No kidding. - Oh, no, I do.

Well, uh, I heard a lot of interesting things about you

and I wanted to meet you and, uh, about your class

uh, there was no intrusion intended.

- A thank you is in order. - Ah, not at all.

- You want your boys back? - No, they're all yours.

Yeah, pitiful. A worm and a snail in the rain.

- Moore! - Yeah.

- Do you ever go anywhere? - Often, yeah.

No, I-I-I mean, uh, maybe, we, uh..

Well, do you like hockey?

I like to watch, yes.

- I-- - Yeah, that's what I mean.

Uh, well, I have season tickets to the Rangers' games

and, uh.. Tonight?

- Sure. - Well, good.

- I'll look forward to it. - Okay.

- Later. - Yeah.

(Holly) 'Move, move, move!'

'Hut, hut!'

- Cheese squish? - Oh, oh.

Oh! Dennis.

You know, I can't believe you still haven't done your report.

Arvid, I started to.

I turned on my computer and everything

but I got sidetracked.

I started hackin' into the FBI computer.

Oh, that reminds me, you're now public enemy number three.

Those Rangers really stunk up the rink last--

What are you talkin'?

I've seen tougher crosschecking at Snoopy On Ice.

Oh, well.

The Flyers played incredibly.

I mean, Hextall made some brilliant saves--

Charlie, I didn't know you were so passionate about hockey.

Well, I'm-I'm-I'm not like Holly.

She throws her beer in the air.

Oh, yeah.

- Sorry about your coat. - Oh, well.

You know, if you give me a chance to return the favor

I happen to have tickets for tonight's Knicks-Cleveland game.

Hey, the big guys in shorts? Sure. Why not?

Well, tonight the beer is on you.

[laughs]

I love it. Isn't he somethin'?

- Yeah. - She's something, huh?

Uh-huh.

Thank you, Mr. Moore, thank you, thank you

thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!

What did I do?

We just wanted you to talk to her

but you've done better.

You're dating her. We owe you one.

- Thanks. - Uh, we're not dating.

We just went to a hockey game.

Yeah? What about the basketball game tonight?

[all clamoring]

The basketball game tonight is not serious.

However, the problems facing Anastasio Somoza

in Nicaragua 1979 were serious.

Why? Was he dating a gym teacher too?

[indistinct chatter]

- Morning. Hi. - Oh, hi, Charlie.

Uh, hey, I looked for us on the news clips

of the game last night. I-I think I spotted your coat.

- How did it look? - Wet.

[laughs]

Hey, I got tickets to the Coleman-Marshall fight

Saturday night? You interested?

Yeah, but, uh, no more sport food, okay?

I, these-these hotdogs..

I'm wakin' up in the middle of the night.

Me too. We keep it up, we'll wind up lookin' like this.

I think I got the prefect solution.

My apartment tonight. My home-cooked turkey loaf.

No preservatives, brown rice

fresh steamed veggies, what do you say?

I don't think you should go to all that trouble.

Oh, it's no trouble. We're friends. I care about ya.

- We on? - Sure, thanks.

Okay, good. Later.

- You, dog, you. - Sorry.

- You know what I mean. - No, I don't.

You know.

If I keep saying that I don't, are you gonna keep hitting me?

Right, right, right. You're a gentleman.

I-I can appreciate your discretion.

But if you are referring to Miss Collingwood, uh

I assure you there's nothing serious between us.

Ah, you heartbreaker, you.

[laughs]

Well, I, I consider her a friend and that's it.

Right, and I consider you a friend

for trying to mellow her up.

But, uh, be careful.

She can clean and jerk twice her own bodyweight.

He certainly is making a big deal out of all this.

I'll say.

I mean, just because you and Miss Collingwood

are dating, just--

(Charlie) 'We are not dating, Miss Meara.'

We're just friends.

Oh, friends on their third date in three nights?

Ah, they're not real dates.

Charlie, you've just been invited

to a single woman's apartment

for a home-baked turkey loaf.

In Femalese, that is a date.

Well, I don't think she looks at it that way.

Uh, you know, she's, she's different.

Well, that's for sure, but she's still a woman

and she has feelings and she has dreams.

Did you notice that she's wearing

that pink and lavender tracksuit?

Mm-hmm.

Now surely, you don't think that..

Dennis, this is a copy of an old report.

- He'll never buy this. - Why not? I did.

Twenty bucks to a guy at NYU for this.

- Morning. - Hey, Mr. Moore.

- My report. - Great, about time.

Looks like a very professional job, Dennis.

Thank you, thank you.

You sure you want to turn this in?

Yeah.

- Okay. - No.

Good. Still the best grade I can now give you is a B

unless, of course, you don't wanna turn

anything in until tomorrow

in which case the best grade will be a C.

Uh..

Dennis, you blew 20 bucks on this one

you still owe me 20 bucks.

Here, we're even.

[bell rings]

Okay, let's get started.

Mr. Moore, you're a miracle worker.

I'm very flattered, but we still have to get started.

She means with Queen Kong.

You've turned that woman into a human being.

It's true, Mr. Moore.

Yesterday, she was understanding.

She was nice.

She didn't even once called me maggot.

(Darlene) 'Mm-hmm.'

That's very nice, but, uh, I don't think

I have that much to do with it.

Men, they're so naive.

Mm, isn't it obvious, Mr. Moore? She's crazy about you.

[all cheering]

[screaming]

Uh-oh.

[whistles]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I am, I'm trying.

I-I'm just no good in sports.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Merriman. Maybe I've been too hard on you.

There must be something physical you're good at?

- How about shopping? - 'Excellent.'

Let's more appropriately redirect our attention

into that arena.

- You know about shopping? - Of course, I do.

Where do you think I get my clothes? Salvation Army?

Yeah.

Very good humor.

Alright, now you spot a sale rack.

You wanna force your way through the crowd.

The pick and roll technique can be as handy

at a half price bin as it is right here

in the basketball court.

[grunting]

That's how I get my sport bras.

Three for $5. I buy in bulk.

[bell rings]

Alright, girls, hit the showers.

[whistles]

- Hi, how is it going? - Hi.

- It's going great. - Okay.

Listen, have a great date tonight.

We wanna get out of gym early tomorrow.

Hey, Charlie, hi!

Hey, what do you say before the fight

Saturday night, we barbeque, huh?

Well, I'll tell you, uh..

...I'm not sure that I can make it.

Why? You get something else on?

I, I really don't know how else to say this.

Uh, I'm not sure that I should come for dinner tonight.

Why not?

I think that we've started spending

too much time together.

We'll eat fast.

I think I misrepresented myself and I let this thing go too far.

Oh, that's very sweet.

What the hell are you talking about?

You're new in town and you don't know

a lot of people, uh..

You did just break up with a guy

and, uh, now you're developing this thing with me.

Oh, I see, it's a thing, is it?

I think I'm beginning to catch your drift.

Good, be-because, uh, I-I think

I can understand the feelings you have for me.

Oh, yeah? And just what are those feelings, Charlie?

- Infatuation. - Oh.

You do know you're makin' a complete idiot

of yourself, don't ya?

- I am? - Oh, yeah.

Your helmet's on way too tight.

Who the hell do you think you are?

I wanted somebody, a friend

to go to a couple of ballgames with, that's all.

Maybe.. Never mind, forget it.

Hey, come on, Holly.

Hey, what did I just say? Forget it.

[knock on door]

I know who I am. Who are you?

(Charlie) 'Holly, it's Charlie Moore.'

Charlie Moore, the idiot?

'If I'm such an idiot, I guess I wouldn't really know, would I?'

Hi.

I'm, uh, sorry if I surprised you. Uh..

May I come in for a minute?

A minute? I'll set the timer.

Look, uh, I made some assumptions

and I was wrong.

I, uh, th-the thing was not a romantic thing.

It was, uh, something called friendship.

I'm sorry.

Okay, I understand.

Thanks for droppin' by.

What about the friendship?

Oh, we're back to that again, are we?

Well, I think we were always there.

I just didn't recognize it.

Well, I don't do so well at friendship.

I make mistakes.

Well, can I give you a piece of advice?

I mean, that-that's something that friends do

but they need their friends to, uh, forgive them.

Oh, oh, you want me to say I forgive you?

I can't. It's not me.

Besides, someone might hug someone

then someone might get the wrong idea.

Look, I admit that I certainly

got the wrong idea about a few things.

Why, do women throw themselves at you every day?

What? Not exact..

I had a pretty decent run in college, yeah.

I don't have to hear about it, do I?

Look, I, I made my appearance.

I made my apology.

[timer dings]

And obviously, my one minute is up.

Oh, that just means the turkey loaf is ready.

Well, I'm-I'm sure you'll enjoy it.

Oh, I can't eat it all. It's too much food.

Holly, I didn't come here for a meal.

I know that.

Charlie!

I want you to stay for dinner.

I want you to stay.

What do you say?

Would I, would I have to eat the steamed cauliflower?

No.

Not all of it.

Not any of it!

I'll eat the cauliflower.

You'll eat the cauliflower?

Sure. What are friends for?

Come on, get yourself a plate.

- Alright. - Take your coat off. Here!

Morning, Dennis. You have something for me?

No. No, Mr. Moore, I don't.

And I'm not gonna give you some lame excuse either.

I just didn't do the work.

Nope, don't say anything.

I know that I've let you down, so you know what?

I'm gonna go home this weekend

and think long and hard about what I've done.

I don't think so, Dennis.

I think you're gonna be doin' laps.

- Laps? - Yeah.

Uh, call them history laps.

I want you to trace every major event

in the Iran-Iraq conflict from the point of view of Iraq.

And then I want you to go back and retrace the same events

from the point of view of Iran.

And then I'd like you to examine

all of those same events from the point of view

of every member of the United Nations.

Mr. Moore, that will take weeks!

Yeah, but, Dennis, you're gonna build

a lot of upper, upper body strength.

[theme music]