Original subtitles

[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

- Arvid! Stick around. - Ah!

- This is gonna be great. - Wh-what's gonna be great?

Well, you remember the helium tank

that I borrowed from your magic act?

- Oh, no, no, no. - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I ran a tube from the tank up to Dr. Samuels' microphone.

So when he presses the button to make the announcements..

Oh, Dennis!

(Dr. Samuels on speaker) 'Attention, students.'

'This is not funny.'

'Wait a minute! What's going on here?'

'Blunden, get in here.'

I think we're in trouble.

[laughs]

[instrumental music]

Cutting class again.

Rhonda, this is getting to be a habit.

It's nice to see you again too.

Why don't you just take a seat over there?

I think Dr. Samuels would wanna handle this personally.

This ought to be good.

I've always wanted to be yelled at by a chipmunk.

- Arvid. - Huh?

Do you know who that is? That's Rhonda Gielgud.

- That's Rhonda Gielgud? - Uh-huh.

- The Rhonda Gielgud? - That's right.

The girl who takes all the guesswork out of dating.

I'm telling you, Arvid, she's a sure thing.

Do you know what my problem with girls has always been?

Well, you're obnoxious, you're cheap.

Uh, I have seen you naked in gym class.

- Let's say-- - Arvid, shut up.

The problem is I've been asking out the wrong girls.

Not anymore.

[groans]

[sighs]

[clears throat]

Rhonda. Hi.

Dennis Blunden. I've seen you around detention.

And, uh, I was just thinking to myself

why don't we go out some night?

Why don't you get lost?

Thank you.

[chuckles] That was real smoo..

So what are you in here for?

Um, helium in the intercom.

That was you? That was very funny.

- Yeah? Thanks. - You're welcome.

Blunden, get away from my donuts.

[coughs]

Now get in my office.

You too, Arvid. Rhonda, I'll see you in a minute.

Look, Dr. Samuels, I, um, what was it?

I have to go.

Uh, it was a pleasure to make your acquaintance.

You know, you're kind of cute.

Yeah? Thanks.

[instrumental music]

And tomorrow, we're going to begin discussing

the most recent American initiatives

to end apartheid in South Africa.

Assuming we can find any.

[bell rings]

'See you then.'

Arvid, Dennis tells me that Rhonda Gielgud wants you.

What? She doesn't want me. She told me I was kind of cute.

Bunny rabbits are kind of cute. It doesn't mean anything.

- What's up? - Nothing.

Rhonda Gielgud has chosen Arvid to be her playmate of the week.

- Yes. - What's wrong with you guys?

She said I was cute. Doesn't mean she wants me.

Arvid, with Rhonda Gielgud, hello means she wants you.

- Believe me. - 'It's true, Arv.'

Oh, really?

That's what they say.

Simone, come on. I never even said hi to the girl.

You know, I don't think this conversation

is really appropriate.

Alan, this is Arvid we're talking about.

Not some supreme court nominee.

Oh, right. So what did she do, Arvid?

- Grab you somewhere? - Oh, no!

- Not yet. - Oh, stop it.

Come on, this is typical of--

Excuse me, folks. Just a reminder.

Uh, those who don't leave history class

are doomed to repeat it.

Arvid. Arvid.

Arvid, Arvid, come on.

Arvid, this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

And in your case, I really mean that.

- Yeah. - Right. There she is.

[chuckles] Let's get out of here.

Arvid, just stay here and talk to the girl.

Yeah, talk to her. Say something.

Come on, be a man, Arvid. Buck up now.

- 'Come on, man.' - 'Let's go.'

Hi, Arvid.

How are you?

My sinuses are draining.

So do you wanna do something on Friday night?

Hm. Oh, I-I don't know. It's a school night.

No, it's not.

I-I-I mean, uh, for Sunday school.

The next morning is Saturday.

But you know, Jewish people have Sunday school on Saturday.

- Arvid? - Hm.

You're not Jewish.

Right, that's true. I, uh, I'm-I'm-I'm free.

Great, so come to my place. 7 o'clock okay?

- Uh, uh-- - Yeah.

- Yes. Yes. - Good.

[bell rings]

Okay, tomorrow we're gonna be talking about

protest movements within South Africa.

The Pan-African Congress, the African National Congress

Black Sash, which is women's organization.

Things like that.

- Thanks, Mr. Moore. - 'Have a good one.'

- Bye, Mr. Moore. - Bye. Bye-bye.

Oh, say, Mr. Moore, how was your weekend?

- Uh, this is Thursday, Arvid. - Oh.

I-I-I mean, last weekend.

Um, it was fine.

Did you, uh, did you have a date?

- As a matter of fact, I did. - Good, good.

So when you made your move, who unhooked the brassiere?

You or her?

Well, uh, before I tell you that it's none of your business

why am I being asked these questions?

I'm going to have sex Friday night.

I see. Uh, you have that in writing?

Well, the consensus of opinion is it looks pretty definite.

Yes, sir.

That's why I have to talk to somebody with, I don't know

hands-on experience, so to speak.

Okay, you want some advice, huh?

Yeah. Hold on, wait.

Okay.

Well, um, first, you think.

- Think? - Yeah.

You think why am I having sex with this girl?

That's a good question, Mr. Moore.

I think it's because..

Well, basically, I don't wanna let the guys down.

That's good school spirit, Arvid.

But how do you feel toward the girl?

[chuckles] I had this dream last night, Mr. Moore.

I was flying on troop transport

on a dangerous mission over uncharted territory.

And-and I'm standing in the open doorway

and everyone's yelling jump, jump. So I jumped.

And then I realized that my parachute

was a gigantic brassiere and I couldn't get it open.

And when I woke up, my practice brassiere was in shreds.

Your practice brassiere?

Yeah, I-I-I bought one for research.

Good idea. Well..

You wanted my advice, Arvid, so I'm gonna give it to you.

I-I think that you're overreacting to peer pressure.

I think there's obviously a lot of anxiety

on this subject for you.

And I don't think you're really ready yet.

Uh, but I have to be ready, Mr. Moore.

The opportunity is now.

Well, there'll be other opportunities, Arvid.

I mean, you have your entire life ahead of you.

Well, Mr. Moore, girls like this don't grow on trees.

Uh, believe me, if they did, I'd become a forest ranger.

Arvid, Arvid--

Well, uh, Mr. Moore, I sincerely believe

that I have to do this.

And you want me to say that it's okay.

Is that it? I'm sorry, Arvid.

Uh, I can't really say that

'cause I don't think it's okay yet.

Now if you feel you have to do it

then I hope you'll be wearing the right kind of parachute.

What?

Buy a condom.

[no audio]

[instrumental music]

- May I help you? - Yes. Yes.

I-I was wondering if you could recommend a brand of co..

Co.. Cotton balls.

To tell the truth, uh, there's not a lot of differences

in cotton balls.

I suppose it all depends on what you plan to do with them.

I, I just want to use some to make a snow scene

for my train set.

I see.

Well, here. This should fill all your snowsy needs.

Anything else?

Yes. I would, I would like some toothpaste..

...and some with fluoride

and one box of..

[coughs]

...lip balm.

Will that be all?

No, uh, there is one more thing I need.

I, uh..

[chuckles]

Pantyhose.

That's some snow scene you're building.

24.95.

There is one more thing I need

of a personal and, uh, exotic nature.

- I need.. - Condoms?

Of course, oh, no, for, for a snow scene.

Now listen to me, this is fine. Thank you very much.

- Thank you. - Young man, just one moment.

Don't you dare walk out of here without those condoms.

If you wanna act like a man then you better take

the responsibility of a man.

Here. They're on me.

Just make sure they're on you.

[chuckles]

[bell rings]

[gasps]

Good reflexes. I like that in a man.

It's you. I-I thought it was a, a-a moth.

Here's my address.

I'll see you at 7:00.

- Morning, Arvid. - Hi, Mr. Moore.

So it's, uh, Rhonda Gielgud you're seeing, huh?

Yeah, might as well get it over with.

Get it over with?

Aren't you missing something?

What?

Well..

...having sex does involve another human being.

I know that, Mr. Moore, I, I have the other human being

and got the protection.

- So, uh, don't worry about me. - Oh, I'm not worried about you.

I'm worried about her.

Did you ever stop to ask yourself

why she's so interested in just about anyone?

I don't know.

Maybe she likes having sex.

Maybe.

Maybe she's lonely.

Maybe she's confused.

Maybe she's desperate for attention.

Never thought about that.

Well, think about it.

Now Rhonda is a troubled person.

She cuts classes, she doesn't finish her homework.

She's promiscuous. That's, uh, self-destructive behavior.

And you are about to make love to her.

- You care about her at all? - Well, uh, I don't know.

You even like her?

I don't even know her, Mr. Moore.

You feel good about that?

Well, hey, don't look at me, Mr. Moore.

- The whole thing was her idea. - Oh, don't give me that.

I mean, you know better.

Now I am just asking you to..

...think about what you're about to do.

And with whom? And why?

[instrumental music]

[knock on door]

- Hi. - Hi.

You're late.

Um, I was just in the lobby

uh, admiring the artwork.

Great apartment your folks have.

It's okay, I guess.

Nice sedimentary dolomite.

Yeah. Can I get you something to drink?

Uh, a drink? I, I better not.

I'm-I'm-I'm gonna be driving later.

I-I-I mean, after, uh, I get my license.

You are cute.

What? Uh, did you hear that? That sounds like your parents.

- Was that.. - You've got good ears, Arvid.

They're in Boston.

[chuckles] Okay..

So I-I guess you're a little old to have a-a sitter.

Boston. I..

[sighs]

[chuckles]

You know..

...I like guys who are a little shy.

[chuckles] I'm-I'm a lot shy.

I still can't undress in front of my schnauzer.

I can't look at my mother's laundry without blushing.

No, no, no, it-it's true. I-I had to be forced breastfed.

I'm gonna take these off.

You wouldn't want them to get broken.

No, no.

[chuckles]

Do-do you get those little red marks on your nose

when you take off your glasses?

No, I mean, you don't, you don't wear a glass.

W-w-w-wait, where-where did you say you were, you were from?

I mean, I know you're from, you're from N-New York.

Uh, well, you know, most.. We're in New York.

I know that, obviously. But I mean, uh, i-i-it's, w-well..

I think in one way or another, most people are from New York.

Don't you agree that..

Arvid, don't you wanna kiss me?

Yes.

I mean, who wouldn't? I..

C-c-can I ask you a-a-a question?

[clears throat] What is it, Arvid?

Uh..

...why me?

What kind of a question is that?

Well, uh, I mean, let's just face it, I'm-I'm not, you know

exactly Mel Gibson.

Uh, I'm not even Hoot Gibson.

- Who? - I mean, I-I-I..

What could you possibly get out-out of being with me?

I mean, I mean, you're-you're so exciting

and you're, you-you-you're beautiful

and you are sexy and--

You don't have to say that stuff.

No, no, no, I-I-I mean that.

That-that's why I can't understand

what I'm doing here.

Well, if you'd stop talking for a minute

maybe you'd find out.

Just like that?

[chuckles]

Arvid, obviously, you don't know me.

That's it. See, that's the point.

I'm trying to get to know you.

- Yeah? - Yes.

So if you'll just, you know, tell me a little about yourself.

[chuckles] Like what?

I don't know.

What about your family?

Well, I don't have any brothers and sisters.

My father is a sales rep for textiles

and my mother's his partner.

They travel a lot and I stay home.

You must get lonely.

Sure. Sometimes. Don't you?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Uh, I-I do have my schnauzer.

So I guess I'm not quite as lonely as you.

Look, are we gonna do it or what?

You betcha. Yes.

Well, you still haven't answered. Why me?

[sighs] Because..

...you're different.

I mean, like you've never made it with a nerd before

and you wanna see what it's like to, you know, break one in?

I mean, what's the..

You acted differently.

Sweet and funny.

And you didn't hit on me.

And I just had this hunch..

I had a hunch that I'd like being with you.

I like being with you too.

You know, most guys don't have much to say to me.

Except afterwards and then it's, ahem, I gotta go.

That's terrible.

You know, I've read that post-coital tenderness

is very important. I mean, especially to the woman.

Post what?

You know, um, afterwards.

Just sort of..

...holding each other and..

...talking.

About what?

Like-like secrets, uh, for instance, I might tell you

that I-I think I'm too old to be in the boy scouts.

Or, or that, uh, uh..

- What? What? - Uh..

Well, uh, uh, I wish my ears were a little closer to my head.

When I was a little girl, on my birthdays..

...my mother would take me to FAO Schwarz

and I'd write down everything I wanted

on these little pieces of paper

and we'd fold them up and put them in a hat

and I'd pick one and that would be my present.

And I never knew what it was..

...but I always knew it would be something that I wanted.

Now she just writes a check and I pick out something myself.

Do you get along with her?

She's okay. I mean, they're both okay.

And they know what I'm doing.

And they say things about it.

But the more they do that, the more I do this.

You know, this is the most I've ever talked to any guy

I've had over here.

So this is it, huh? Post-coital..

- Tenderness. - Yeah.

I thought it would be like this with you afterwards.

- It's nice. - Yeah.

Of course, t-this isn't technically afterwards.

But it-it-it's nice.

Are you disappointed?

[chuckles]

No, I-I, uh, I, in fact, I..

Uh, I've learned a lot actually.

I mean, I know what, I know what sex is like before

and I know what it's like afterwards.

I just gotta work on that during part.

Listen, let's get something to eat.

- Yeah. - And talk some more.

Great.

I mean, that's what it's really all about, huh?

Arvid, you're sweet.

[chuckles]

- Arvid? - Oh, yes.

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