Original subtitles

[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

(Sarah) 'As students'

we must continually strive

to improve the image of our schools.

You see, I believe that the way to treat problems

in schools today is..

Well, we wouldn't have problems in school

if, if people reached out to each other in a

in the true spirit of friendship.

- 'Yeah, bravo.' - 'Alright, Sarah.'

Oh, oh, so, what you're sayin' is, be nice?

Gee, that's some heavy issue.

- Huh? - 'Yeah.'

Alright! Alright! Break it up!

This is a school, not "The Morton Downey Show."

I don't know.

Problem is, I didn't hear

much about the issues.

This is ridiculous, Mr. Moore.

The voters are being forced to choose

between an idiot and an ineffectual female.

I could beat the stuffin' out of either one of 'em.

How do you know that?

Well, you know me.

- I'm a political animal. - Oh.

My first words were

"Mama," "Dada" and "Nixon."

Well, you talk about a career in politics

but you've never actually run for an office.

Oh, come on, Mr. Moore, me run for student council president?

- It's a waste of time. - Not necessarily.

It can be an exciting experience

and it offers you the opportunity

to serve your fellow students.

Oh, serve them?

[scoffs] Grow up...uh, sir.

No student president has ever

made an impact on my life.

Well, maybe one will come along

who will make an impact.

It's gonna be an election

where the most significant issue

is whether we're gonna have

pineapple rings in the prom punch.

See, that's the really terrific thing about democracy.

One person who's willing to go all the way

can make a difference.

So, what you're sayin' is that school

needs a president with, with vision?

- Hmm, yeah. - Brilliant ideas and charisma?

You're right. That's me!

Dr. Samuels, I have an announcement and a request.

Yes, son. Go ahead.

I have decided to run for president of the student body.

Oh, Alan!

And I humbly request your endorsement.

Oh, Alan. Uh..

Son, nothing would give me more pleasure.

But as principal of the school

I must remain neutral.

(Bernadette) It's a student election.

And to preserve the sanctity of that institution

there can be no influence by the administration.

All I can do, Alan, is wish you what I would wish

any other student.

Good luck and Godspeed.

I understand. Thank you, sir.

Dr. Samuels, that was wonderful.

I mean, I know how much you want Alan

to be president and you did the right thing.

- Yep! - Mm-hmm.

You're in charge of the ballot boxes, aren't you?

Yep!

[instrumental music]

Hey, Arvid, you know the television commercial

from Sweden where they make that miracle

solution that grows hair?

[laughs]

No, no, no, I've never seen that commercial.

Well, trust me. They're doing incredible things over there.

Now, they sell it for 50 bucks a pop

but I've analyzed it and I can make it

and sell it for 40.

But for you..

...five.

Well, that's a great price, Dennis, but if you had noticed

I already have hair.

Not on your upper lip, you don't.

Now, you know how women love mustaches.

Think Gable. Think Selleck.

Think Wayne Newton.

Gee, you know, I've always wanted a mustache.

Hey, and don't forget your chest, right?

Couple of months, it's back-to-the-beach time.

Well, I..

How much a bottle?

- Ten bucks. - Yo! I thought you said five!

- Five is my cost. - Oh!

Alright! Six bucks.

Okay, Dennis.

- It's a deal. - Okay.

Be sure not to get any on your tongue.

Okay.

Arvid, I can't believe you fell for that.

He still owes you 250 bucks

for the Russian blue jeans scam.

I'm way ahead of you, Eric.

Do I look like I just got off the bus from Lake Stupid?

Yes.

[bell rings]

- Morning, everybody. - Good morning, sir.

Listen, since we are, uh

a week away from a school election

and this is a history class

I thought we should investigate some parallels.

Um, excuse me, Mr. Moore.

Can I make a small announcement first?

Announce away.

Well, with the election less than one week away

I hope I have the loyal support

of all of you here in the IHP.

(Charlie) Good luck, Sarah.

So, continuing in that vein..

Dirty politics.

From the backstabbing of Julius Caesar

to the miracle of Cook County, Illinois

where citizens not only arose from the dead

they voted twice.

Mr. Moore, may I just say something?

Fast. Say it fast.

I just can't sit on the sidelines

and watch this travesty anymore.

I'm tossing my hat into the ring.

(all) What?

(Alan) 'The people are clamoring'

'for a real leader.'

Someone they can look up to.

I say that man is Alan Pinkard.

Your next student council president.

Who's with me?

Okay. Who's leaning my way?

Okay. That's nine people in the undecided column.

Not undecided, Alan.

To know you, is to reject you.

Well, fine.

There is still thousands of people out there

who don't know me. I can be whoever they want.

[instrumental music]

Guys, think about this.

Extra academic credit

for achievement in sports, huh?

Honestly, I-I come from a long line of cheerleaders

and someday, God willing, I hope to marry one.

Hi, men.

I just thought you might like an Alan Pinkard

souvenir pocket protector.

(Alan) 'Homework should be voluntary.'

Uh, pinball machines in detention hall.

More parking spaces for motorcycles

and, and definitely

extra credit in art for graffiti.

Mr. Moore, nobody's gonna buy that stuff, are they?

Well, people have bought a lot less.

Dude, he made a few good points.

I rest my case.

Yo, yo.

Arvid!

What do you think? You think it'll work?

On Dennis, yes. On girls, no way.

Dennis, Dennis. How you doing, buddy?

Listen, uh, my friend Arvid here would like

to talk to you about his mustache.

Hey, it's a slow process. It takes time.

I don't wanna hear anything about a refund.

[screams]

- What's that? - What does it look like?

It's-it's a mustache.

Alright, come on. Nobody believes that stuff works.

Well, of course it doesn't, not till

I started fooling around with it

and now, well, it-it-it works.

- Hey, that's a fake. - Oh, yeah?

- Watch this. - Ow! Ow!

I'm not kidding.

Dennis, this stuff was useless until I added

the follicade penetrol.

The what?

(Arvid) I-it's the missing catalyst

in the formula.

It penetrates the epidermal tissue

providing a pseudo endocrinological reaction

in the follicles. But you have to be careful.

- It does burn a little. - Mm.

We're rich. We're rich!

Uh, I think you got that wrong, pal.

He's rich.

Hey, Arvi, come on.

We're partners, right?

Gee, Dennis, you know..

I never thought about this in terms of money.

In 1964 primaries, Nelson Rockefeller

was the leading republican candidate

for the presidency.

'Now, when he married a divorcee'

'without the custody of her children'

his opponents made that a "moral" issue

and Rockefeller lost the nomination

rather than give up the woman he loved.

He should have dumped her.

That's exactly the type of remark

that I'd expect to come from you, Alan.

What are you talkin' about?

You know what I am talking about.

You'll say anything anybody wants to hear

just to get some votes.

[bell rings]

Okay, uh, tomorrow the '64 campaign, that includes

the infamous democratic commercial that showed

what would happen if you voted for Goldwater.

It's a three-year-old girl holding a flower.

Shuu! She's vaporized by an H-bomb.

[indistinct muttering]

(Charlie) 'See you then.'

Arvid, uh..

- I like the stache. - Yeah? Thanks.

You know, coming from you, Mr. Moore

that's a real compliment.

Can I give you a grooming tip?

- Sure. - It's on crooked.

Okay.

Sarah, I've been going over and over the results

of the newspaper's latest poll, and I can't believe it

but Alan's really making inroads.

The people have spoken.

I don't believe in polls.

They're not scientifically accurate.

No. I mean, he's taking votes away from Barry.

Mostly the uncommitted and the should be committed.

You're in first place now, Sarah.

Wow!

On the other hand, when interpreted properly

polls can be a very useful tool.

Well, don't get too cocky.

Those polls also show my momentum.

My groundswell of support. My message is getting through.

[clears throat] What message?

Well, you know, the speeches I've been makin'.

The platform I've been runnin' on.

The line you've been handing them.

Hmm.

You know, Alan, uh

superficiality and good looks

can carry you just so far.

Like to the vice presidency.

But.. Uh-uh..

If you seriously want to run against Sarah

you might consider sneaking a few issues into your platform.

You'd be surprised how many voters are interested.

Well, come on, Mr. Moore, what issues does she have?

Oh, Alan, I happen to have found some new issues

and I'm gonna present them to the student body tomorrow.

For instance, I found out that the school board

has a surplus fund.

I'm gonna see to it that that money goes

for remedial math and reading programs

AIDS information, sex education

and a daycare in the school.

[scoffs] You call those issues?

Well, beats getting

extra credit for graffiti.

Mr. Moore, in the first place

remedial programs are typical

examples of big government.

And, young lady, sex education encourages promiscuity.

And daycare in the school flies in the face

of every moral principle this country stands for.

Alan, we've gone over these issues

with some of the more interested voters

and they're very enthusiastic.

Mm-hmm, so you and Barry have fun

fighting it out for second place.

[instrumental music]

And I will make sure that the auditorium, when not in use

will be made available for the showing of cartoons.

Alright.

[applause]

Barry, Barry, Barry.

You don't know what the voters in the school want.

Uh, not that I have anything against cartoons, of course.

And I suppose you know what they want.

Yes, I do.

(Barry) Yeah?

What?

Well, they want real issues, right folks?

- Yeah! - Yeah!

Hey, name one.

Yeah! Name one.

Well, for instance, they want money to go toward math

and remedial reading programs, AIDS information

and daycare in the school.

- Yeah! - Yeah!

Wait a minute! Those are my ideas!

Well, thank you, Sarah, I'm glad to see

you're comin' around to my way of thinkin'.

Those should be everybody's ideas.

And now for the election, I hope you'll join with me

to make those ideas a reality.

- Yeah! - Yeah!

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

[instrumental music]

You are co-opting my issues

and trying to steal the election.

You are a crook, Alan.

I am not a crook.

- I'm an opportunist. - Oh.. Mr. Moore!

You're both right.

Alan's a crook and an opportunist.

[bell rings]

It's not gonna work, Alan.

I'm in the lead and I'm gonna stay there.

Well, actually, Sarah

Alan's now in the lead by six percent.

- 'Uh-oh!' - Oh.

I don't believe in polls.

They're not scientifically accurate.

Alan, I was one of the people who thought

Dan Quayle had a few redeeming characteristics.

But let me tell you something, sir.

You're no Dan Quayle.

In India, we have a name for people like you.

Weenie.

[instrumental music]

So, in the '72 primaries

Senator Muskie was being harassed

by Nixon's troops.

Racist letters were sent out on Muskie's stationary

and Muskie withdrew from the campaign.

So, Nixon succeeded..

...in removing one more obstacle

to his re-election, and proving once and for all

that he deserved the nickname Tricky Dick.

[bell rings]

- I'll see you tomorrow, okay? - Yeah.

- 'Ahem, buh-bye. See you.' - 'Bye.'

Mr. Moore, may I talk to you for a moment?

Sure.

I expect them to be mad at me.

In fact, I kind of enjoy it.

But I didn't expect it from you.

Well, I'm only human.

Aren't you the guy who encouraged me to run?

I mean, didn't you want me to try to win?

I-I'm employing professional tact.

It's just the way it's done in Washington.

Oh, I'm not sure Washington is the best place

to look for a role model.

I worry about you, Alan.

I mean, you're running as a non-person.

Where is your philosophy?

I have one, Mr. Moore.

First you win, then you find a philosophy.

You know, Alan, uh, I've never agreed

with your political views

but I can respect you

for standing by them.

You mean it? You respect me?

Well, up until this past week.

I know that you think of yourself as a politician

but I'm not sure you have

the stomach for real politics.

I think you're frightened.

Frightened? Of what?

- Losing. - Losing?

Well, I am not afraid of losing.

Well, that's good.

Because you don't have to be.

See, you can, uh, learn from your mistakes.

You can bounce back.

I mean, look at your hero, Richard Nixon.

I mean, here is a man who's bounced back

more than the guy in the "Friday The 13th" movies.

- Jason. - Jason, yeah.

Richard Nixon is the Jason

of American politics.

If I can't win some piddling little high school election

against a, a girl and a, a muscle head

then my career is over before it started.

How can I live with the humiliation?

Losing an election can hurt, Alan.

I mean, it is rejection.

Losing your integrity..

...that's something to worry about.

[instrumental music]

Gee, Dennis, I've been thinkin'.

I could never sell our discovery for money.

I'd feel awful.

I mean, this is something that can really help people.

Don't think of it as money.

Think of it as things money could buy.

Like, uh, house in the Bahamas, or a Porsche, or..

...a new wardrobe.

No, see, this is gonna be our scientific contribution

to the world.

- Take it. - No, no, wait a minute, Arvid.

You can't just give this away.

Hey, you got some money in this thing, don't you?

Couple of hundred dollars.

[scoffs] Oh..

So the least you could do, Dennis

is buy the poor guy out!

You got it.

[instrumental music]

Testing.

One, two, three, four.

Am I on?

I'm on? Oh.

[grunts] Students of Fillmore High.

Today you embark upon an important civic duty.

I'm not on.

For crying out loud, am I on or am I off?

'I'm on. Anyway..'

Students of Fillmore High.

Today you embark upon an important civic duty.

Today you cast your vote for one of the three candidates.

- 'Barry Vincent.' - 'Yeah, Barry, yay!'

- 'Sarah Nevins' - Sarah! Woo!

And Alan Pinkard.

[cheering]

(Samuels) 'Hold it, the candidates will speak'

for no more than five minutes.

Barry?

Point number 23.

I will demand that we have "Playboy" magazine

in the library at all times.

'Hey, there's some good articles in there, huh?'

Point number 24.

The homecoming queen shouldn't have to have a C average.

Look, I know some great chicks

who really just don't have it all together up here.

So let's give 'em a chance, what do you say?

Thank you, your time is up.

Sarah Nevins!

And I believe we need more remedial programs

expanded sex education

AIDS information

and daycare in the school.

[applause]

In conclusion

I hope you all know where I stand.

Because what I say

is what I believe.

Thank you.

[applause]

And now, we will hear from our final candidate

Alan Pinkard!

[cheering]

Take it away, son.

Yes, sir.

Fellow Fillmorians.

Now I wanna tell you what I believe in.

I believe in honesty

and integrity and issues.

The issues..

The issues that

put me over the top actually belong to my opponent

Sarah Nevins.

[indistinct chatter]

She believes in them.

I borrowed them because I thought they'd help me win.

But now I'm giving them back.

Because I don't believe in any of them.

[indistinct chatter]

Well, I might as well tell you what I do believe in.

I support cuts in the athletics budget.

- 'Oh!' - 'Come on!'

I feel that random locker search

is gonna be an effective tool

in the war against crime.

- What? - What are you talk..

And let's stop fighting censorship

in the school newspaper and give it a shot.

It just might work.

[indistinct chatter]

Alright. Well, some of you may not agree with me.

But then again

who has higher SAT scores, me or you?

[crowd booing]

'And now about a mandatory pledge of allegiance.'

[bell ringing]

Madam President!

- Yeah. - Thank you.

And thank you all for your support

and I promise to do my best

to fulfill the trust that you've placed in me.

Sarah, relax. You got the job.

- Sorry. - I knew you could do it, Sarah.

Oh, really? Then why'd you print this?

I had to send it into the printer last Wednesday.

Uh-huh.

Okay. Uh, let's get started.

I think we've talked enough about dirty campaigns.

Let's talk about the administrations.

[door opening]

Alan, that was a good speech you gave yesterday.

And you're good at ducking food.

Stop trying to cheer me up.

Well, you know, Alan, um

Abraham Lincoln was defeated

in four major elections

before he made the presidency of the United States.

But I'm not Honest Abe.

It's true, but you're, uh

you're on your way.

Here, Alan.

I thought you might like that for your scrapbook.

Oh. Thanks, Sarah.

I'll give it to my mom, I haven't told her yet.

Well, don't worry, Alan, your time will come.

No, I don't think so.

You're not gonna have Alan Pinkard

to kick around anymore.

I've waited my whole life to say that.

[instrumental music]

Okay, two more grams of sorbitol. What's next?

Sodium hexametaphosphate.

[chuckles] Okay. What is this from anyway?

Well, let me put it this way.

Dennis is gonna be rubbing marshmallow nougat

into his upper lip.

Here he comes.

Hi, Dennis. Uh, you got the money?

Yep, you got the formula?

Yep.

[chuckles] I can't believe it, Arvid, I did it.

I outsmarted you again.

Ha, not so fast, Dennis, look.

There is no secret formula. Ha ha!

I made it up! It's a phony.

[both laughing]

Finally, 200 and..

[laughing]

[instrumental music]

[theme music]