Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

Put the luggage on the red bus.

Spasibo. Spasibo.

Thank you very much. Da, da, da.

Okay, listen up, here's your schedule.

We check in at the hotel

study, dinner, study and lights out.

'Tomorrow, we study, lunch, study'

and then a reception where we meet the enemy.

'The day after that we study, study, study'

'right up until the academic meet.'

Alright, let's move it out, gang!

Move it, move it, move it!

'As we drive through Moscow'

'I'll be pointing out places of interests from my guidebook.'

[indistinct chatter]

(Samuels) 'On your right is a typical Russian building'

'with a typical statue in front.'

(Simone) 'That's the poet Mayakovsky.'

(Charlie) 'That must be the Kremlin.'

(Samuels) 'Not so fast. Let me check the guidebook.'

'Yes, yes. On your right, the Kremlin.'

(Alan) 'Dr. Samuels, can we stop and walk around?'

(Samuels) 'You get a better view from the bus, trust me.'

It's beautiful here.

(Samuels) 'Here we have the famous Bolshoi Theater.'

- 'Dr. Samuels, can we--' - 'Forget it.'

'We're probably out of time, anyway.'

Hey, Dr. Samuels, room service is complementary, right?

(Samuels) 'Wrong, Blunden.'

(Arvid) 'It's the entrance to the space museum.'

'Dr. Samuels, we gotta stop.'

(Samuels) 'It looks closed.'

'Our hotel, built by Stalin.'

(Charlie) 'Scary times, politically and architecturally.'

[indistinct chatter]

(Samuels) Okay, everybody, stick together.

Let's have a light lunch and start cramming.

Excuse me, Dr. Samuels, but, uh

when are we actually gonna get to see Moscow?

- Yeah. - You just saw it, comrade.

Let's go, team!

- Here you go. - Come on, let's go.

[instrumental music]

Uh, uh, heat cannot flow

from a cold body to a hot body

with-without, uh-uh..

[indistinct chatter]

You guys, uh, still studying?

We've got today, tonight, tomorrow

and then the morning of the meet.

It won't be easy, but it's what we do best. Right, guys?

- Yeah, right. - Yes.

Is that all you want out of this experience?

I-I-I gotta visit the space museum.

If I don't see my relatives, my mother's gonna kill me.

[indistinct chatter]

Where is Dr. Samuels?

He went back to his room to get more books.

- Okay. Hi. - Hi.

- Come with me. - Oh.

[knocking on door]

- Dr. Samuels? - Dr. Samuels?

(Charlie) 'Dr. Samuels, we need to talk.'

Uh, listen, are you.. Ah.

Dr. Samuels, uh, we only have three days in Moscow

'and you've got these kids'

'locked up in the hotel, studying.'

Uh, what are you doing?

Shh! This place is bugged.

Bugged? We're from a high school not the Pentagon.

There's a microphone in here somewhere.

- 'Really?' - I just haven't found it yet.

- I think you can relax, sir. - Right. Yes.

When are you two gonna grow up?

These Russians will do anything to win.

Dr. Samuels, you are being bit paranoid.

Oh, yeah? Look at this.

Hah!

Who's paranoid now, huh?

[chuckles]

Dr. Samuels, you have to give them one free day.

You know...for a while there

I was beginning to listen to you.

But now, after finding this microphone..

[chandelier rattling]

Look at these wires.

They play hard ball, we play hard ball.

[crash]

[panting]

You heard nothing, you saw nothing.

Capeesh?

[clears throat] Free day tomorrow?

Free day tomorrow.

- It was the right thing to do. - Get out of here.

[instrumental music]

(Charlie) 'This is the most extraordinary building'

'in Red Square if not the world.'

'I wanna get a little closer. Come on.'

Well, this is it. St. Basil's Cathedral.

It was built for Ivan, the Terrible.

And historians tell us that when it was finished

he liked it so much that just to make sure

there would never be another one

he had the architects blinded.

I think they're all working for Donald Trump now.

[students laughing]

Anyway, after this, I'm gonna check out the Kremlin

and then maybe Cathedral Square

Tomb of the Unknown Soldier.

- Anybody wanna come along? - Uh, Mr. Moore.

Sarah and I wanna get started on our video.

- Right. - You did say a free day.

That's right and that's what it is.

You're free to do whatever you want.

I do wanna remind you of two words.

- Gaston.. - Gaston..

Those are the two words.

That's the name of our hotel.

Be there by 6 o'clock, okay?

- Okay. - Enjoy yourself.

[indistinct chatter]

Have fun.

So, I guess it's just you and me.

What do you wanna do?

Let's go see how the other half lives.

- The other half? - Come on.

[instrumental music]

Wow!

I can't believe I'm standing

in the middle of the actual Kremlin.

What good is it doing us, Arvid, huh?

I mean, look around here. Would you just look around?

Do you realize we could be makin' a fortune

sellin' blue jeans and sellin' tapes of Ringo

singin' "Octopus's Garden?"

God! A man without a mission.

You're a man who owes me $250.

Whoa! Look at this prehistoric missile launcher.

Whoopie.

"This canon was the largest in history.

"Built by the son of Ivan, the Terrible

as-as a deterrent to his enemies."

It was never fired.

Wow. This is the H-bomb of the 1500s.

- Take me with it, okay? - Tourists.

We've been reduced to being tourists.

Smile.

'Hold it right there.'

- What? - Babeskies.

Babeskies.

Arvid, babeskies. Russian women.

Right over there. Would you look?

Hey, maybe they can tell us how to get to the space museum.

Arvid, could you think? Would you try to do that for me?

Those are Russian women over there, okay?

They've never seen a nerd before.

- Virgin territory. - Oh.

[chuckles]

Um.. Excuski. Excuski.

Um, we are, uh, American-ski.

Me, Dennis.

Him, Arvid.

How do you do? My name is Natasha.

This is Sonya.

Oh, you guys speak English. That's great.

A little.

Do you know what a nerd is?

Nerd? No.

[chuckles]

Um, it's American slang

for cool guy.

- Oh. Cool guy. - Cool guy.

[chuckles]

Hello.

I'm an American student.

I'd really like Mr. Gorbachev to autograph my book.

Could you direct me to his office?

[chuckles] Oh. Thanks.

Thanks. I'll ask somebody else.

[instrumental music]

This is nice, you know?

- You and me together. - Yeah.

Kinda romantic of being so far away from home.

Well, what do you wanna do first?

Well, I don't care in what order

but I wanna go to the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier

and then see where Tolstoy lived

and put some flowers on Chekhov's grave.

Does anything interests you that also breaths?

Oh, I also wanna go to where Gogol was buried.

He wrote one of my favorite novels.

- "Dead Souls." - "Dead Souls."

- Right. - Yeah.

Listen, can we..

...maybe do something a little more exciting

than watch grass grow on people's graves?

- Eric, they were great artists. - I know, I know.

I love to read what they wrote

not what's on their tombstones.

Okay. What do you wanna do?

Normal stuff.

You know, Eric, i-i-it wouldn't do you any harm

to absorb a little culture.

Oh, so you think I'm a slob.

- No, I-I didn't say that. - Ah, yes.

Well, I'm gonna call up my relatives and pay 'em a visit.

We're probably, like, gonna sit around

and watch the "A-Team" in Russian.

Well, that sounds like a lot of fun, Eric.

Well, why don't you go do that?

- Okay, I will. - Okay, fine.

- Fine. - Fine.

[instrumental music]

[bell tolling]

The changing of the guards at Lenin's Tomb

every hour, on the hour, every day of the year.

Impressive, yet, to the Soviets

who spend hours online here

an incredibly moving experience.

Cut. Not bad.

Can you believe this?

A propaganda poster store.

Alan, please, don't go in there.

I know what's gonna happen, you're gonna get aggravated

and you're gonna get into a fight.

They're even proud of it. It's incredible.

Alan. Alan!

(Alan) 'This is completely unfair.'

Everything is written in Russian.

Alan, you're gonna get us arrested. I just know it.

How can we tell what mess they're spreading about us?

Excuse me, what does that one say?

[speaking in foreign language]

"All power to the Soviets."

[scoffs] Tell me about it.

Okay, I will tell you. Who am I telling?

I'm Alan Pinkard.

Young Americans for Freedom.

I believe in free enterprise in the Republican Party

which, someday I hope, will nominate me

to run for president.

Oh, my opposite number.

I'm Peter Rybakov.

I am a Komsomol secretary in my school.

And someday I hope to be a chairman

of the Supreme Soviet.

Whatever you're believe in, I don't.

First of all, I would like to congratulate you

on your rudimentary knowledge of English.

And I would like to sympathize with you

on your complete ignorance of Russian.

[instrumental music]

I guess they're talkin' about us.

Do you think it's good?

Sh-sh-sh.

- Did you hear that? - What?

I distinctly heard Natasha say "KGB."

Dude, they're callin' the KGB?

W-what did we do? We didn't do anything. We didn't touch them.

- Not yet. - Yet?

You know, Arvid, sometimes I think you're a little bit slow.

Those are Russian women.

I know that, Dennis.

Well, obviously they know we're American science prodigies.

They would love to own us.

'You're space, I'm weapons research'

those girls are on a mission.

They were probably sent here to pick us up.

Do you know how ridiculous that is?

These are perfectly nice Russian girls

who also happen to be very attractive.

Oh, yeah, and when was the last time

two attractive girls like that tried to pick up on us?

Maybe they think we're sharp dressers.

They want information, Arvid.

Would you grow up?

Their mission is to have sex with us

and then blackmail us for information.

Sex? Oh, God, how do we get out of it?

Get out of it?

Isn't this incredible, Mr. Moore?

A real Russian high school.

That was a great idea, Janice.

I've always been curious what they're like.

Well, there's no graffiti. That's a good start.

Yeah. Use a spray can, go to Siberia.

I hope we're not intruding too much.

I mean, coming off the street like this.

Oh, not at all.

Our tenth form English class

will be very glad to meet you.

- Tenth form? Great. - Yes.

- Please. - Alright. Yes.

[speaking in foreign language]

- Good morning. - Good morning, Ms. Belevo.

- Hello. - Hello.

(Charlie) 'We're from Fillmore High School'

in Manhattan, New York City.

Am I going too fast?

(all) No.

Well, we wanted to visit your high school

and we wanted to say hello.

Well, if you can stay a few minutes

I'm sure my student would much rather practice their English

by asking you about America

than listen to me talk about transitive verbs, yes?

(all) Yes.

Yes.

[instrumental music]

- Laura? - Eric?

- Yes! Yes. - Ha-ha-ha!

Wow, I mean, it's a good thing

you wore that Twisted Sister thing

or else I, uh, would've never noticed you.

Really?

No, no, not really.

I, I never expected this.

- What? - You're beautiful.

Oh.

This is definitely not the Russia

I saw in National Geographic.

You're beautiful, too.

Are you looking forward to meeting the rest of the family?

No, I'm not in any rush.

Good. Because today everyone is working.

Tomorrow would be better.

Oh, no, no, no. No. Tomorrow I can't.

Tomorrow I have the meet.

But they are making a big party for you.

Everyone will be there.

Well, maybe I can get away for just a little while.

[chuckles] They will be so happy.

Good.

So, what-what-what are we gonna do now?

If you like I can show you a little bit of Moscow.

That's great.

[upbeat music]

Are you sure that we're related?

Do American people like to laugh at themselves?

What Russian national food is most popular in America?

Who will you vote for, Bush or Dukakis?

Uh, what Soviet films have you seen in America?

I want to ask you what Michael Jackson's doing now?

What problems of the young people do you have?

Would you like to see Gorbachev

as, uh, the President of the United States?

In your opinion, which, uh..

Which women are most beautiful?

American or Russian?

Well, when in Rome

uh, I-I think in this case

uh, Moscow, Russian women, definitely.

- Oh, thank you. - Oh, it's my pleasure.

Believe me.

[laughing]

[instrumental music]

Dennis, I'm worried. We have to get back for the reception.

- We can be late. - No, we can't.

Listen, think of this as an ideological struggle.

If they want our minds, they gotta crawl

over our bodies to get there, so be it.

What if you're wrong?

What if they're just trying to be nice?

Arvid, please, this is no time to get soft on communism.

Who do you think they're talking to over there

on the phone, their mother?

They made contact and now they're checking in.

Sh-sh-sh.

We have had a fun time with you.

Is it possible to see a game tomorrow?

Oh, see, tomorrow's our academ--

We'd love to. Sounds great.

Tomorrow, we're all yours.

Perfect. Is there anything special you'd like to see?

Uh, well, I..

You know, I'd like to see the space museum.

Fine. We'll show you the space museum.

What about refuseniks?

- What about blacks? - Aha.

Jessie Jackson was almost nominated for president.

Almost. Sounds good.

Means, pff, nothing.

You know what you oughta try?

- Try having free elections. - Oh, my God.

Thanks for the good advice.

Can you see that we don't need you

to tell us how to run our country?

- Oh, I'm late. - Wait a minute.

You're not walking out on me now.

Alan, we're late, too. They're gonna be waiting for us.

- Perhaps we will talk again. - When?

In 30 years..

...if you actually convince your people to elect you.

Goodbye.

[instrumental music]

Remember, this is a reception

just to say hello to the other side.

Be courteous, but beware

they'll try to intimidate you.

Especially since they've spent the day

preparing for tomorrow's meet

instead of traipsing all over town like a bunch of tourists.

Welcome, Americans.

I'm Anatoli Kirov, school administrator

for the Moscow Central District.

This is our team's coach, Vesales Nanev.

May I present Mr. Samuels.

- Dr. Samuels. - Ah, Dr. Samuels.

Charmed.

- Mr. Moore. - Hi.

- Ms. Meara. - How do you do?

- Ah. - Excuse me.

- I'm smitten. - Oh.

Spasibo.

Ladies and gentlemen

this year's Moscow academic team.

[instrumental music]

[crowd applauding]

You're on the team.

It's going to be a piece of cake.

Eat borscht, Ivan.

Darlene, that's a whole new team.

Excuse me, this is not the team we played against in New York.

- These are all different kids. - Yes, you're right.

Well, where are the kids we played against in New York?

Unfortunately, none of them were good enough

to make this team.

- Uh-oh. - Uh-oh.

[speaking in foreign language]

- What does that mean? - Uh-oh.

Oh.

[theme music]

[music continues]

♪ Oh oh ♪

♪ Oh oh ♪

♪ Let it begin ♪♪

(Charlie) Next, on "Head Of The Class.."

Gang, you need to rest.

- That's good thinking. - Is this a lucky break or what?

Oh, you're not kidding. Lead me to that pillow.

Are you crazy?

Do you realize what's waitin' for us at the space museum?

Yeah, trouble.

Dennis, we'd never make it back.

My cousin's comin' to pick me up in a few minutes.

- I'm gonna see my whole family. - Ah, that's great, Eric.

Yeah, it's gonna be great for my article

in Scholastic Digest, too.

"A day in the life of a Russian family."

- Day? - Yeah.

T-the bus leaves in three hours.

Well, Mr. Moore, I'll be back.

It was nice meeting you.

I hope you go back where you came from, soon.

Oh, N-Natasha!

Natasha, I was only kidding! Would you come on?

Sonya, I-I'm sorry about that.

I-I didn't know that y-you--

Oh, no, oh, no, it's not your fault.

Wait, no, wait, girls! Sonya!

Girls!

Well, how do we get back?

[indistinct chatter]

All I'm saying is that, two, maybe three

of our members are missing.

We want the right to bring him into

the game as soon as they get here.

- Mm, nyet, nyet, nyet. - Da, da, da.

- Nyet, nyet, nyet. - Give me a second.

- Nyet, nyet, nyet - Da, da, dum.

[indistinct chatter]

Arvid, Arvid. Cops! Cops! Cops!

'They're lookin' at us.'

- Maybe they speak English. - Yeah. W-wait.

- What? - No.

They're after us. They're after us, Arvid.

Natasha turned us in.

- No! - Yup.

Yup, I could see it right in the eye.

They're gonna send us to Lubyanka Prison.

- Prison? - Or Siberia.

- Siberia! - We better split up.

Look, you go that way, I'm gonna go this way.

- Okay. - I love you, buddy.

Me too.

[instrumental music]

[crowd applauding]

[indistinct chatter]

[buzzer buzzing]

That's correct!

[applauding]

Is this how it ends?

Our team going down the tubes

and me longing for the sight of Eric and Dennis and Arvid?

Oh, Arvid!

[speaking in foreign language]

Hey, come on! Hey, help me out, guys!

Help! Hey! Oh, this is just like New York!