Original subtitles

[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

W-w-well, listen to this, I had another dream about Russia.

It's April 1961.

Yuri Gagarin is in Vostok 1

in the middle of the first man space flight

when he discovers me hiding in the capsule of the stowaway.

'All of a sudden, we're in the middle of a huge meteor shower'

and Yuri needs my help. I push the wrong button and boom.

We're ejected into space. Then I woke up screaming.

What do you think it means?

It means your pajamas are too tight.

[laughs]

- Oh, come on, guys. - It's obvious, Arvid.

You're worried about whether or not we're going to Moscow.

- Who isn't? - Me. I'm not worried.

You're also not going.

But I can let you in on a little something.

Arvid and I have found a way to realize

the true potential of our trip

and help the cause of world peace at the same time.

That's right. What?

I'm talkin' about foreign aid.

Blue jeans, Beatle tapes.

We smuggle them into Moscow.

We sell 'em and we make a fortune.

Smuggle? Smuggle!

Do you know what smuggle means in Russian?

- Yeah. It me-- - It means Siberia. Prison.

Okay, okay. We don't smuggle. We...import.

- Come on, what do you guys say? - You can count me out.

And-and besides, what if you don't go to Moscow?

You lose all that money.

I'm covered. I got side bet.

If they don't choose our school, we win our money back.

But don't worry, we're goin'. I can feel it.

Come on, Eric, how much do you wanna invest?

Zero. I got other things on my mind right now.

Simone? Would you give it up?

Queen Carrot Head will never go out with you.

Now why don't you invest in somethin'

that's worth your time?

I tell you what, Dennis, I'll give you a call.

What's the area code for the Gulag?

- Arvid-- - Get away from me.

- Arvid. Arvid! - Get away from me.

- Hi. - Oh, hi.

- Am I interrupting? - Um, no.

I was just rereading "Uncle Vanya."

Chekhov writes with such depth and sensitivity, I--

Yeah, so did F. Scott Fitzgerald of Saint Paul, Minnesota.

It's like everybody around here has got nothing

but Moscow on the brain.

Well, the possibility of going there is so exciting.

I mean, if we go.

I mean, for those of us who might be going.

What-what about an exciting time right here in America?

You know, New York City, beautiful night..

[sighs] ...a guy and a girl, movie, pizza.

Finally, Simone.

- Yes. - Alright.

As soon as we're back from Russia.

If you'll just listen.

We are actually witnessing contemporary history.

Some of the most exciting changes

to occur within the Soviet Union since the revolution of 1970.

Now two of the words most commonly associated

with Mr. Gorbachev's policies are?

Glasnost, which means openness and perestroika--

Which loosely translates as restructuring.

Thank you, Janice, it also doubles

as the title of Mr. Gorbachev's book.

[yawns]

You have a, uh, problem with this, Eric?

Look, Mr. Moore, yesterday you said we were gonna finish

our discussion on the presidential debates.

Now all of a sudden, here we are in Russia.

And just 'cause the brain express here

might be goin' to Moscow for an academic meet

doesn't mean the rest of the world has stopped.

- Oh, Eric-- - Eric, you're negative--

Maybe you're just jealous 'cause you're the only one of us

that's not going.

Janice, show a little compassion.

I call 'em as I see 'em.

Hey, believe me, I'm not jealous.

I don't wanna be on your team

and the last thing I wanna do is be stuck on an airplane

with Dr. Samuels for 12 hours going

"What's the atomic weight of beryllium?"

9.0122.

Is this boy a winner or what?

He gives the answer before I ask the question.

[chuckles] Excuse me, Mr. Moore, I hope I'm not interrupting.

Well, actually--

I hold in my hand a telegram from Moscow.

- What does it say? - What does it say?

I don't know, it's in Russian.

[laughs]

Well, it's between us and Andover Academy.

So stay prepared to kick the Russian bear

in his own backyard.

Well, naturally, Dr. Samuels, but there are people

who plan to do a few other things in Moscow as well.

Like what?

I'd like to visit the space museum.

W-well, I'd like to find Chekov's grave.

I don't know, put a flower on it.

[speaking in Russian]

Well, for those of us who don't understand Russian

Janice, perhaps you'd translate.

Oh, I said that I cannot wait till I get to Moscow

so that I can converse in Russian with some real Russians.

I knew that.

I'm going to get, uh, Mr. Gorbachev

to autograph a copy of his book.

Anybody else have any plans?

Sarah and I have requisitioned the school's video equipment.

We're gonna tape a documentary on Russia

and hopefully sell it to PBS.

Yeah, I'm real sorry I'm gonna miss all this.

Excuse me, I'm not hearing anything

about beating the Russians here.

Sir, if I may? Not only do I plan to destroy the Russian team

I'm happy to say I'll be giving a full report

to the Young Americans for Freedom

on what a bummer it is to live there.

I already have it half written.

Yeah, Alan, uh, maybe you could try to keep a half open mind

until you actually get to Russia and talk to some people.

You know, see what they think.

Some of 'em might actually enjoy living there.

It must be tough being you, Mr. Moore.

So sincere, yet so misguided.

I'm next, I know what you're gonna call on me

and I don't have any plans. I don't wanna go.

- Well, what-what's the problem? - Flying, Mr. Moore.

It's unnatural, besides, my analyst thinks

that I suffer from a severe case of xenophobia.

- You hate strangers? - No, they hate me.

Maria, the Russians are not going to hate you.

You don't know that.

Well, everything I've heard so far sounds like stuff

Mr. Moore has obviously been encouraging you to do.

Now hear this, if we go, it's not for a vacation

it's butt-busting time. Carry on.

Uh, Dr. Samuels, wait.

I'd just like to wish you and your dream team here

a great trip and just remember, while you're in Moscow

gettin' the borscht beat out of you

I'll be at Izzy's doing some remedial loafing.

That's reason number 15 why you're not going.

Mr. Moore, I return the class to you, sir.

[bell rings]

Thank you. Nice timing. Okay, see you tomorrow.

Maria, let's talk about your phobias for a minute, okay?

- Eric. - Yeah.

If you really don't care about going to Russia

why do you keep making such a big deal of it?

I'm not making a big deal of it.

Well, yes, you are.

You're sarcastic and you keep putting it down.

I'm just your basic, shallow, insensitive type guy, so well.

I'm trying to understand you, Eric.

There's nothing to understand. It's just like Janice said.

I'm jealous.

Okay, you don't wanna talk to me, don't talk to me.

Simone, wait.

[sighs] You won't tell anyone?

No.

- I got family over there. - Really?

Yeah, my mom's side.

I mean, it'll be great to go over there and meet them, but..

Well, I don't wanna beg anybody for anything.

Well, I-I'm sure if Dr. Samuels knew--

Oh, especially Samuels.

Why is it such a big secret?

I have my reasons.

[sighs] Look, I told you this but I don't want anyone else to know.

Now promise me you won't say anything.

- Promise? - Yeah. I promise.

[instrumental music]

Trust me, I have this worked out to a science.

You will not get caught.

T-that's what Haldeman told Nixon.

That's what Poindexter told Oliver North.

That's what Leopold told Loeb.

Ah, yes, but you're forgetting, those guys

weren't as smart as you and me.

Okay, I'm gonna go out on a limb here

and personally guarantee your safety.

In a worst-case scenario, only one person gets caught.

Who?

Dr. Samuels.

- Interesting. - Ah-ha.

But how do we carry all that stuff?

Easy. We sneak it into the school

we put it in the trunk with the school's video equipment--

- Good morning, boys. - Good morning.

- Morning, Dr. Samuels. - Lovely day.

- Very nice day. - Yes, it is.

The Russians are suckers for the fab foreign blue jeans.

Arvid, we can triple our investment.

Well, how much is my investment?

It's the same as mine.

- How much is yours? - Half the total.

How much is that?

[scoffs] Arvid, I'm afraid when you hear the figure

you might get a little squeamish.

- How much? - A thousand bucks.

What, a thousand do.. You, you're insane!

You're nuts. You're a menace. You should be locked up!

Okay. 250 bucks.

[sighs] That's better.

- Yeah. - What? $250.

- You're crazy. - Arvid, I just saved you $750.

- Oh, um, Mr. Moore? - Yeah.

Can I ask your advice about something?

Sure.

Well, what do you do if you made a promise to someone

not to tell something, but if you broke that promise

well, it might help the person you promised?

Well, that would depend on what you promised.

If I tell you what it was I promised

you promise not to reveal that I broke my promise?

This is where I say I promise, right?

- I promise. - It's about Eric..

Mr. Gorbachev writes in his introduction

"We value the American's contribution

"to world civilization and realize that

"without that country it is impossible to remove the threat

"of nuclear catastrophe and secure a lasting peace.

We have no ill intent toward the American people."

Oh, right. Mr. Moore, that is so naive.

Alan, uh, even President Reagan has stopped calling Russia

the evil empire, okay?

On the other hand, maybe he forgot it exists.

- Excuse me, Mr. Moore. - Are we going?

Team, I just got off the phone with Mr. Kirov in Moscow.

- 'Yeah?' - I've learned two things.

One, I owe the phone company $79.

[laughs] And two, we're going!

[cheering]

So it's time.. Listen, listen.

It's time to fill out these applications for visa

and have your photos taken.

Now listen, Dr. Samuels, now that we are definitely going

don't you think it's time to start choosing a substitute

for the team in case somebody gets ill?

(Dr. Samuels) 'Absolutely. You-you're right. Yeah.'

But it'd have to be somebody who's pretty good, right?

- I'm already ahead of you. - Eric Mardian, huh?

(Dr. Samuels) No, I don't need him. I've already signed up a sub.

Jerry Herscovitch.

He's a, uh, Rambo in world lit.

'He's the sub, not Eric.'

March 16, 1830. Jawaharlal?

New York Stock Exchange's worst day in history.

We're gonna bury them. Dasvidaniya!

[indistinct chatter]

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

Well, congratulations. It's almost all good news.

"Almost?" Mr. Moore, this is terrific.

- We're off to Moscow. - Yeah, it's great.

Yeah, the nine of you

plus Dr. Samuels' mystery protege.

Jerry, whatever his name is..

Don't you think it would be nice to keep this whole class intact?

Mr. Moore, don't do me any favors, okay?

- It's okay. - It's not a favor.

I think we should all go to Dr. Samuels

and insist that Eric come with us.

- Yeah. - Absolutely.

No, I don't agree.

Eric has always laughed at our team.

He calls our meets the Nerd Bowl.

Now that we're being honored for our accomplishments

why should he be included?

(Alan) I agree with Darlene.

All Eric would do is laugh at us in Russia and ruin our trip.

Let him stay here.

You know something, they're right.

- Absolutely. - Definitely.

- I agree. - Hey.

Let me make this real easy for you.

I'm not on your team, I don't wanna be on your team

and I don't wanna go on your stupid trip.

Who needs you?

[indistinct chatter]

Well, congratulations to all of you.

Once again, your emotions and your petty pride

triumph over reason and simple human kindness.

I mean, I'm, I'm amazed at how quickly you forget

that you would have lost to the Russians the first time

if it had not been for Eric.

But as they say, that is history.

[bell rings]

Eric.

Look, I think I know how important this trip is to you.

- It means nothin' really. - Really?

What about your, uh, Russians relatives?

- Simone told you? - Yeah.

She promised.

Well, I promised, you promised, she promised, so what?

The important thing is that..

...if you had mentioned something to me earlier

I might have been able to help.

Look, uh, I don't wanna force myself on anybody.

- I'll talk to Dr. Samuels. - Mr. Moore, don't do that.

Look, kid, I mean, give up the act, okay?

We're runnin' out of time.

Look, there's another reason why I haven't pushed this thing.

Even if Dr. Samuels said yes, it still wouldn't work.

Why not?

[sighs] It just won't work, okay?

I don't have what these kids have.

You certainly got the brains.

[sighs] But I don't have the money.

- That's the problem. - Okay, I tell you what.

Just for fun, fill out the visa application

get the photos taken, okay, just in case.

In case of what? I win the lottery?

Well, uh, you know, Eric, I'll come up with something, okay?

Oh, Mr. Moore, don't go offering me money, please.

[chuckles] I-I have something else in mind. Believe me.

Just fill out the visa application.

[instrumental music]

- So? - I did it.

I convinced my dad to take me to the bank

and open my safe deposit box

so I could visit my petrified wood collection.

You went to visit rocks in a bank?

Well, that's what I told my dad.

Oh.

And then when he wasn't looking, I smuggled out

the savings bond I got from my Uncle Morty.

- Yes! - That was for my college fund.

Oh, oh, talk about petrified.

Don't worry, Arvid, you're gonna be able to buy five bonds

with the profits we make. I'm the one who needs to worry.

What if that pawn shop sells my dad's golf clubs

before we get back?

Oh, you've got guts.

Yeah, well, it was kind of a defensive move.

I figured if something goes wrong

he won't have anything to hit me with.

So when do we get the contraband?

Okay, we pick the stuff up the morning before we leave.

Then we sneak it into the trunk with the video equipment.

After that, it's learning the Russian phrase

for Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band

and we are rich.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

[bell rings]

- Morning, everybody. - Morning.

- Morning. - No, no, warning, warning.

Alan, do me a favor.

Take one of these for yourself and pass the rest around.

It'll be an honor, sir.

And we're in for a special treat this morning, campers.

Class, as you all know, we leave for Moscow on Saturday.

I have here my "What You Need To Know About Moscow" pamphlet

which you've all been waiting to see.

Great. I hadn't been able to sleep for a week.

Blunden, pay attention.

When we land, this pamphlet will be your lifeblood.

There are chapters such as Maps, Money Exchange

and on page 7, my favorite.

Handy Russian Words You Should Know.

On page 12, there's a suggested list--

Uh, excuse me, I thought this was a history class

but since it's turned into Moscow On The Hudson

I'd like to go to the library.

Well, it's, uh, alright with me

if know one else has any objections.

No objections.

Anyone in the class have any objections

to Eric's leaving?

With all due respect, Dr. Samuels

I think we all object to Eric being excluded.

- Yeah. - That's right.

We've all talked it over

and we don't want Jerry Herscovitch to be our sub.

- We want Eric. - 'That's right.'

- 'Yeah.' - 'Yeah.'

Why?

He's not part of the team, but he's part of us

a-and if we're gonna have a sub, we want it to be Eric.

- Yeah. - Right.

Wait a minute. Is this unanimous?

- Yeah. - Yes.

It's unanimous.

Mr. Moore, you put them up to this.

Look, Dr. Samuels, I don't think you can exclude Eric

from this trip. I mean, he's got family there.

This could be the most important trip of his life.

But I promised the Herscovitch kid.

What am I gonna do about that?

Well, what are you gonna do about team unity?

What are you gonna do about team spirit, huh?

What are you gonna do about proving

that you're not a petty uncompromising bureaucrat

but rather a, a big, big man with a..

...heart to match?

You're right.

Class, I've reconsidered. I think Eric should go.

- Alright! - Alright!

Unfortunately, there's a problem.

- 'What?' - 'What?'

- What's the problem? - Eric doesn't have a visa.

And it'll take at least a week to get one

so it's too late.

Well, the visa, filled out replicate with a photo attached.

- Alright. - Hey!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. Congratulations.

Haven't even left yet and already you've ruined my trip.

Oh! My pleasure, sir.

- Alright! - Yeah.

Mr. Moore, thank you

but I still can't afford to make the trip.

Actually, Eric, I think you will be able to pay for it

with the money you'll earn from the article

you'll write about Moscow for the "Scholastic Monthly Digest."

Welcome aboard.

How do I say thank you?

Well, I believe it's pasibo

but you can check on page seven.

Now we'll continue with our discussion

of significant changes within the Soviet Union.

[instrumental music]

Jawaharlal. Janice.

Sarah. Maria.

Wh-where's Maria? Is she here yet?

Oh, I saw her go in the bathroom.

Uh, Darlene and Sarah, could you go up and get her for me please?

- Sure. - 'Thank you.'

Dennis, what if they have dogs in customs?

Don't be stupid. Dogs can't smell blue jeans.

[sighs] How does the "Criminal Element" do this day in, day out?

Arvid, would you relax? Just take deep breaths, okay?

We're home free, all we gotta do now is make sure

that you and I are the only ones who load and unload this truck.

Look, I wasn't hiding. The door accidentally locked, honest.

Look, hey, the bus is here. Everyone ready?

- Yeah. - Yes, sir.

Let's head 'em up and move 'em out! Yo! Yo! Yo!

Dr. Samuels, uh, they're high school students.

They're not a herd of longhorns.

Alan, Jawaharlal, help me move this video equipment.

Hey, no problem, Dr. Samuels, we got it.

Yeah, I'm ready for this. I've been working out all week.

Blunden, no way would I let you near school equipment.

- Alan, Jawaharlal. - Uh, Dr. Samuels, wait a min--

Get out of here.

- Whoa, this is really heavy. - No, it's not.

What's in here? A dead body?

It shouldn't weigh that much. Open it up.

Don't do that!

Dr. Samuels, these guys are wimps.

Would you let two real men carry this, please?

- Yes, please. - You're up to something.

Open this trunk!

Oh, my God.

Blue jeans and Beatle tapes.

Jawaharlal.

Uh, but-but-but--

I don't know what came over me.

I think I was possessed.

You're in big trouble, Blunden.

Why? J-just because Arvid and I were gonna bring

uh, because we were gonna bring, uh--

- Gifts? - Gifts to the Russian people?

- Gifts? - Gifts?

Well, it's not an unheard of concept, Dr. Samuels.

You go to a foreign country, you take gifts

for your new friends, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Arvid and I were just abandoned room for hospitality.

Well, I'm very impressed by your thoughtfulness.

- Thank you. - Gifts.

Well, let's go before we miss the bus. Come on.

Uh..

Arvid--

I don't want to hear

the sound of your voice.

Well, ah, ready or nyet, here we come.

(Charlie) Next on a special one hour "Head Of The Class."

You've got the kids locked up in this hotel studying.

Shh. This place is bugged.

Do you know what a nerd is?

No.

[both laughing]

This is completely unfair.

Everything is written in Russian.

[speaking in foreign language]

Is your heart broken?

Well, it's a little bent.

[applause]

All I'm saying is that two, maybe three

of our members are missing.

- Arvid! - Dennis!

- Arvid, come on! Come.. - Dennis!

No, you guys got the wrong guy.

I'll get you blue ski jeans, Beatle tapes..

♪ Faraway lands ♪

♪ Faraway places ♪

♪ Used to be oceans separatin' our shores ♪♪

[theme music]