Original subtitles

[theme music]

[music continues]

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[instrumental music]

Dr. Samuels, can I go now?

I'm thinking about it.

What did I do that was so bad?

You tuned Mrs. Goldfarm's hearing aid

to the police radio.

Now, move the filing cabinet, now.

So nice of you to help out, Dennis.

- Yeah, right. - Oh, Mr. Moore.

I have a great idea for the living history competition.

Oh, I can hardly wait to hear it.

What if Attila the Hun replaces Gertrude Stein

in the discussion of the French revolution?

- Well, it sounds rather-- - See you at rehearsal!

Ridiculous.

Why did I agree to direct his

entry into this living history fiasco festival?

Well, because you're getting out of three faculty meetings

and the field trip to the Kosher slaughterhouse.

At the time, it seemed like a good trade-off.

[grunts]

[exhales]

You're mine. You got that?

Oh, God, I saw this in a prison movie.

Dennis, this is Mr. Finelli, the new football coach.

- Hey. - Hi.

You're like a white William Perry, aren't ya?

- Who? - The refrigerator.

- The fridge. - Oh, oh, yeah.

God made you to play football.

(Dennis) 'Well, thanks, coach. I appreciate that.'

But MIT wants me in one piece.

Don't you see who I am?

- No. - Now I am opportunity.

It's my mission in life to see

you fulfilled as a person.

'Excused from classes Friday afternoons.'

Uniforms, cheerleaders?

The smell of blood, huh?

Oh, you had me till you said the B-word, coach.

Right. Don't make me beg.

- Ah, it's up to you, really. - Okay, I'm begging.

- Coach, I appreciate it, I-- - Ah!

I can see you're tempted. Sleep on it, huh?

- Oh.. Okay. - Huh!

Oh, what a jerk.

No, it's, uh

sounds new and interesting.

Dennis Blunden, jock.

It's not new and it's not interesting.

Coaches have been hitting on me ever since I was in junior high.

Come on, Mr. Moore, football? It's stupid.

It's made for guys who count on their fingers

and walk on their knuckles.

So, all jocks are dumb.

Uh, okay, I will grant you.

They did come up with that

innovative idea of smashing

beer cans on their foreheads.

You know, it's not inventing a new antibiotic..

Listen, while you're busy running down

people with athletic ability

I'll run down a few more.

Is it Paul Robson?

Senator Bill Bradley?

- Congressman Jack Kemp. - Exceptions.

Well, Dennis, what's wrong with being an exception?

Because, Mr. Moore, I like myself the way I am.

Chubby, charming, and free of jock itch.

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

No way! This goes against every fiber of my being.

I am a Republican. I can't play Karl Marx.

(Samuels) 'Alright, attention, gang.'

There'll be a slight change.

Who's playing Attila the Hun?

I am.

- Who's playing Gertrude Stein? - Me.

Your lines about the French revolution

will go to Attila the Hun.

Alright, excuse me, Dr. Samuels

but there-there is

considerable difference between

Gertrude Stein and Attila the Hun.

Hm. Not in the pictures I've seen.

Dr. Samuels

what are we doing here?

- Yeah. - Everybody get down.

[indistinct chatter]

Kids, you are playing famous people

from different eras in history

having a conversation.

Is that so difficult to grasp?

No, you ripped off that Steve Allen show

"Meeting of the Minds."

That's right.

Alright, alright, listen.

I've slaved over this for months.

Every piece fits.

If we'll just do it my way

there's not a school that can beat us.

Dr. Samuels you had me saying here "Let them eat cake."

But Marie Antoinette never said that.

The judges don't know that.

They wanna hear what they think she said.

[indistinct chatter]

What about historical accuracy?

- 'Yeah.' - Yeah.

What about winning?

Dr. Samuels

this is supposed to be a history...something.

Now, if we can't be accurate, why are we here?

[indistinct chatter]

Alright, alright, alright. Look, I'm no Shakespeare.

You know, I'm just trying to do this..

Alright, come on, come on.

Look, we'll talk about it outside.

I don't think you should see this.

[indistinct chatter]

Look, Dr. Samuels is gone

why don't we just leave?

- We don't need this. - Yes, we do.

We need extra-curricular activities

for our college applications.

What are you talking about? I got a 4.0 average.

Oh, Dennis.

MIT gets hundreds of applications a year

from people with 4.0 averages.

Uh, for them 4.0 is like a

is like a height requirement.

Well, what else do you have?

I don't.. I gave blood once.

- Dennis.. - Face it, Dennis.

You're gonna be borderline...at best.

- Mm-hm. - What? I'm in this.

Are you kidding?

This is borderline.

Now, wait just a second.

You trying to tell me

that some schlub who drags a microphone out

for assemblies is gonna have a better shot

at getting into MIT than I do?

As a matter of fact, Dennis I think I do.

You better get something, Dennis.

Yeah, Dennis, where it says, "Other activities"

you're gonna need something more than class clown.

[instrumental music]

Oh, look at this, a back field in slow motion.

Laugh now, leather boy.

I am joining the football team.

[indistinct chatter]

(female #1) 'Are you serious?'

Dennis, you don't like bending down

to pick up a pencil, how are you gonna play football?

- Yeah, exactly. - Let me explain, Sarah.

You see, we're using each other.

I need extra-curricular garbage for my college applications

and they need a towel-snapping target.

Oh.

Dennis, football will not

get you into college.

And why not?

[chuckles] Because you'll be dead.

[laughter]

No-no-no-no-no, you guys don't understand.

See, here's the plan.

I show up at their stupid practice

I suit up, I kid around with the coach a little bit

'maybe I run a half a lap'

'you know, just to show I care'

I take a rub-down, I go home.

Brilliant.

Yeah, I don't think it's quite that easy.

I know, I know, but I can

take care of myself, Mr. Moore.

If things get tough, I fake an injury

I put on a neck brace, I sit down on the bench

I fill out some college applications

I think this may be my greatest scam to date.

It's too bad they don't give out letters for scamming.

[all laughing]

Yeah.

[instrumental music]

You can't cut the Julius Caesar bit.

It's my wife's favorite.

Look, Dr. Samuels, I..

Even if Julius Caesar

were speaking with Ulysses S. Grant

I don't think he'd be saying

"Beware of the Ides of March."

'Cause Caesar never said that, Shakespeare wrote it.

The judges don't know that.

[bell ringing]

Your exit cue.

Oh.

Looking good, Dennis.

Yeah, well, you know..

...I'm on a program and everything

working out a little bit.

Burnin' some laps, lifting some weights.

Thought maybe after practice tonight

you might like to go out with me.

[chuckles] Dennis

I said, "You're looking good"

I didn't say I'd forgotten who you are.

Hey, Mr. Moore, I was wondering if I could

leave rehearsal a little bit early today?

I want to get out on the field and bang

the old blocking sled

before the practice starts.

Well, Dennis, if you're that dedicated

uh, I have to say yes.

- Thanks. - What?

Am I-am I hearing things?

Dennis Blunden tackling something

that doesn't come with fries.

Dennis, it's unbelievable the way you've changed

from a complete dweeb to a...semi stud.

Thanks.

I can't believe you haven't been

kicked off the team.

What are you guys talking about?

They love me.

Dennis, how does it feel

to pound your opponent

into the ground

jam your knee in his chest

and leave him for dead?

Feels good, Janice.

That's what I thought.

Gee, I wish I could play football.

If there's a way, I'm sure you'll find it, Janice.

[instrumental music]

Hey, guys! What's up?

Marcus, what's happenin'?

'Hey, Randy, what it is?'

Jean, dude!

Speak English, dummy.

Just don't speak at all.

Uh..

Hey.

I'll catch up with you guys later.

Ah, it's football, Mr. Moore.

You know, give the rookies a hard time

toughen us up, those guys love me.

Yeah, yeah, I mean, I could feel the warmth, you know?

It's almost blistering.

Yeah.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

[grunts]

[coughs]

[panting]

How you doin', Dennis?

Mr. Moore.

[grunts]

- Great to see you. - Yeah.

Uh, need some help?

No, no, I'm just, uh

breaking into a new set of knee-pads, you know?

- 'Ah.' - Whoo!

Yeah, these will work.

You sure I can't give you a hand?

I need a whole body.

[chuckles]

Thanks.

Oh, gosh.

[grunts]

[exhales]

Whoo! I feel good.

I'm, uh, sorry about

having to leave rehearsal early

but you know

I really feel that

the more extra work I do around here

the more I really feel the closeness

growing between me and the other guys.

'Bond, you know.'

[inhales] I think I'm starting

to gain their respect, Mr. Moore.

You know?

Hey, you guys. Good to see you.

Randy, Marcus.

Take it easy.

I'll catch up with you guys later.

[chuckles] Locker room hijinks.

Dennis, you know, I talked to Coach Finelli.

Great guy, huh?

[sighs]

He's cutting me from the team, right?

Better you should learn from me

than off an bulletin board, huh?

Hey, I knew it would happen.

I thought this whole thing was just a joke to you.

Uh, yeah, yeah, it's just, I, uh..

I-I never expected to be

humiliated by a bunch of guys

that I laugh at and make jokes about, you know?

Oh, yeah, the guys that smash

the beer cans on their foreheads.

Yeah, those are the guys.

And I can't be on their team.

I got a higher IQ than most of their weights.

[scoffs] But you know what?

I-I'll get over it.

You know, uh, who wants to hang around

with a bunch of guys whose lips move

when they read a stop sign?

[chuckles]

[inhales] You know, Dennis..

...the more you joke about this

the more I know you're hurting.

Hey, come on, Mr. Moore. I mean, come on.

These are guys who throw a party

every time they get a nosebleed.

That is what I mean.

Uh..

...Mr. Moore..

Uh..

Actually, uh, I don't feel too good about this.

I know.

It's like, those guys have something I don't.

You have any idea what that is?

[inhales] There's a guy..

...half my size

a-and he's coming at me

and he's got this look in his eye, like

like-like he doesn't care what happens to him.

'And-and-and I start thinking to myself.'

I start thinking and thinking, you know

this guy could really hurt me.

And, and I want to stop him, Mr. Moore

I.. But I-I just, I become a human turnstile.

You know, I tell myself, "Oh, it's okay, Dennis.

"You know, you know, you're just being cautious

you're just being careful, but.."

But..

...I-I am a wimp.

I guess I just don't have any..

[sighs]

Any what?

I'm even afraid to say it.

Guts, Mr. Moore. I'm a coward.

'You know what though?'

Who needs it, huh? Who needs it?

I'm going to MIT, Mr. Moore.

So, you know, courage, I mean, come on!

Who needs it, anyway?

Well, it's just not

your kind of courage, okay?

What are you talking about? I just told you I don't have any.

Sure you do, you walk around saying

you're smarter than everybody else.

That takes, uh, some kind of guts.

- Come on. - Okay.

You, you sneak into

the principal's office.

You stuff his file cabinets

full of rubber snakes.

That takes some...nerve.

- That's good. - Yeah.

But football is a little different.

See, this takes a, a kind of pure

raw physical courage.

That's something that not everybody has.

- You're right. - 'Hm.'

You're right, Mr. Moore.

[chuckles]

I mean, anybody who is stupid enough

to stick around when they know they could get hurt

deserves what they get.

Yeah, like, uh, police and firefighters

search and rescue workers.

People that deal with AIDS patients.

Alright, alright.

I guess I'm not like them.

Well, Dennis, you have your own kind of courage.

- Really? - Sure.

It's inside you and you just

have to find it.

How?

Well, if not here

then somewhere else.

(Finelli) 'Blunden.'

See me after your shower.

Yeah, sure thing, coach.

You got a few minutes?

Sure, Chuck.

Charlie.

[instrumental music]

Cleopatra, you watch your voice level.

Everybody concentrate.

Maybe we'll be outta here before midnight, okay?

Abe Lincoln, you're speaking to Marie Antoinette.

Madam..

...you've been described

as frivolous, vain

contemptuous of your people

a traitor to your country

isn't that right?

Mr. Moore, isn't that a little harsh?

I mean, I don't think she saw herself as a traitor.

She was as much a prisoner of her class as anyone else.

Her class just happened to be royalty.

Okay, the thing is..

Where's the joke? W-what happened to my joke?

You don't wanna do that joke.

Oh, I gave up "The Ides of March"

I'm not giving this up.

Okay.

Uh, Mr. Lincoln, once again please

from "Traitor" and do the joke.

A traitor to your country, isn't that right?

Yes, and I was beheaded at the Bastille.

Well, young lady

beats being shot in the theater.

Alright, you win.

Thank you.

(Sarah) 'Dennis!'

I'm sorry, is this where I do the kite bit?

[indistinct chatter]

I hate him.

You know, it's bad enough we have to do this.

No, I love it, Dr. Samuels.

Bu-but, Dennis, if we don't know our lines by now

we're gonna look really stupid.

Uh..

I'll just sit down now.

You got a problem here, Dennis?

I got a lot on my mind, Mr. Moore.

Are you ready for this?

Coach says I might play on Friday.

Congratulations.

[indistinct chatter]

Gee, Dennis, you must be really good.

[exhales] I don't know, Jawaharlal.

Coach said Madison has a really-really brutal team

and there might be a lot of injuries and..

...I might come in handy.

- Oh, no. - No.

Forget football.

Concentrate on Franklin.

He can't.

Obviously, he's terrified.

Every time he starts to think of his next line

he hears bones cracking

tendons snapping, ankles twisting

teeth losing--

Janice, shut up.

Well, you don't have to worry about that, Dennis

because the contest has been changed to 5:00 p.m.

'That's in conflict with the game.'

I just saved your life.

Wait a minute, uh, Dennis

is that what you wanna do?

Uh, actually, it's-it's not--

Now, you've been talking about wanting

to find out a few things.

This'll be a great opportunity.

You're right.

Dr. Samuels, I'm sorry.

I gotta play football.

- Oh.. - Oh..

Guys, you see..

I gotta get out there

and play on Friday.

[inhales]

I-I gotta prove to myself that I-I'm not a..

[sighs]

I gotta prove to myself that I'm not a wimp.

You understand?

- Lots of luck, man. - Thanks.

Dennis, I order you to be in the show.

Now, wait a minute, maybe I can do both.

You know, if I take the right trains and everything

No way.

Excuse me, Dr. Samuels?

I think, in this case

the director outranks the writer.

Um, can you get here, Dennis?

- Uh, yeah-- - 'Yeah, sure you can.'

All you gotta do is, after the game

you get on the D train

from King's highway to 42nd street.

You get off and take the Grand Central across town.

- I take the Lexington Avenue.. - Right, get off the 86.

'Boom, you're there, on the dot.'

Sounds like a good plan to me.

Thanks, guys.

- It's done. - Thank you, Mr. Moore.

Whoo!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Anything goes wrong

guess who I hold responsible?

[instrumental music]

My hands will close around his neck.

I will squeeze gently at first.

My fingers tightening

ever so slowly.

And that's for Mr. Moore.

You can't imagine what I'll do to Dennis. Hah!

I can't believe he's not here.

Well, what are we gonna do now?

Just study your lines!

You're on in five minutes.

Where's Benjamin Franklin?

He's right where I said he'd be. Missing!

Tell them to put some other school on next.

But we'll lose points for not being ready.

Blown away by Dennis Blunden.

Uh, not necessarily.

"Not necessarily."

Do you realize

what a disaster this is?

Well, if you stop screaming maybe

we could solve the problem, okay?

How?

As Ben Franklin might have said

to Martin Scorsese

"God helps those who help themselves."

[instrumental music]

At Versailles, we celebrated the events of the day

by our hairstyles.

When your American revolution

was a topic of conversation in Paris

Madame de Pompadour and I

wore wigs three feet high

with red, white, and blue flags.

I'll drink to that.

How appropriate.

Trash like you

celebrating rabble like them.

Hardly rabble, Your Majesty.

The American Revolution

was an aristocratic enterprise.

The country was stolen by..

...greedy merchants, land owners

and...politicians.

[clattering]

I can explain everything. Where's my costume?

Don't worry about that now. Wh-what happened to you?

Huh? Oh, I dislocated my shoulder.

- What happened? - Well..

It was late in the game.

Players were dropping like flies.

I'm sitting on the bench, hyperventilating

I'm telling you, Mr. Moore, it was

the scariest afternoon of my life.

Dennis, I can see that. What happened?

Well, coach comes up to me and he says

"Blunden" and before I can say "He left"

he goes, "Get in there!"

So, I'm walking out on the field.

I can't feel my feet

I can't see, I can't hear

it was like, it was like

everything was in slow motion.

'Next thing I know, they're running a play'

they hand the ball off to this guy

I'm telling you, Mr. Moore, he had to be

Arnold Schwarzenegger's big brother

and he's coming right at me.

And-and there's a voice inside my head screaming

"Run, run, get out of the way!"

But there's 2000 other voices screaming

"Stop him, stop him!"

- Right. - I was outvoted.

Next thing I know, my body

smashes into his head on.

And I hear the screaming

and it was awful, Mr. Moore

'cause I realized it was me.

And that's when I found out I dislocated my shoulder.

A real football injury, ain't it great?

Did you stop the guy?

You bet I stopped him.

Dennis, I am so proud of you.

[grunts]

God, does that hurt!

- I'm sorry, really. - Ah!

Look, I better get into my costume.

They're probably waiting out there.

No, somebody else is using

your costume at the moment.

- Come here. - Who?

[knocking on door]

After three days

fish and house guests begin to stink.

Oh, no, you didn't.

I had to.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Last place.

Can you believe it? Last place.

What makes me really angry

is that Dr. Samuels got an honorable mention.

He was good.

You guys promise you're not mad at me?

Are you kidding? I'm jealous. You got out of the play.

And all you have to do is wear that sling for a while.

I'll live in shame for the rest of my life.

Morning, everybody.

- Morning. - Mr. Moore.

I, uh, assume

we've all recovered from last Friday.

- Well.. - Yeah.

I hope so, because you're gonna

need your energy today.

We are beginning an exciting

period in American history.

The Eisenhower years.

Uh, Mr. Moore, if you don't mind, I'd like to take a minute

to say something to say to the class.

I-I just wanted to tell you guys

that I really appreciate you guys

understanding about my having to miss

the living history thing so that..

...I could play in my first and last football game.

I'm also really glad that I got a chance

to see the end of your performances, because..

...that gives me the opportunity to say..

[laughing]

Would anyone like a shot at his other shoulder?

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[music continues]