Original subtitles

[theme music]

So it is difficult to imagine

the shock felt by the British public

when King Edward VIII announced his abdication

to marry the love of his life, Wallis Simpson.

I've always thought that was the most romantic event in history.

A king giving up his throne for a woman.

I wouldn't give a woman my seat on the subway.

Of course, you wouldn't. Where would you sleep at night?

Actually, marrying for love is relatively trendy.

Until this century, marriage was primarily

uh, an economic institution.

Parents arranged marriages, uh, often there was a dowry.

And even in India, uh, the bride might come with

uh, a water buffalo, a chicken, and a couple of jackasses.

He just described my sister-in-law's family.

Mr. Moore, are you trying to say that our socio-economic system

evolved from the fact that our forefathers didn't believe

in foreplay with our foremothers?

Uh, I'm saying that their concept of romantic love

might have been little different from ours.

You know, that's right.

I asked my grandma if she loved grandpa

and she said there was no word in her language for love.

Aw..

But there were nine words for headache.

Thank you, Arvid.

I'd rather die than not have love in my life.

As far as I'm concerned, it's the only reason to marry.

Not in India, Simone.

Before I came here, a marriage was arranged for me.

No way!

Though it does solve one problem.

You might meet somebody nice, with no fuss, no muss

and well, let's face it, no rejection.

Mm-hmm. And at least you don't have to go through the hassle

of tryin' to meet new people.

Interesting people, right?

People we can relate to, who has time

who knows where and who knows which people to meet.

Well, but now I'm stuck, so--

I-I know that you're not the world's most social group

but you're not living in a vacuum.

There are other people out there, and I'm sure that some

of them would like to meet people like you.

[chuckles] Well, tell me about it.

One of them came to my door a few weeks ago.

She needed a nerd for a scavenger hunt.

Mr. Moore, we have agendas.

We can't afford to spend our time trying to meet new people.

Although, I did get lucky once, with Martha Cabot.

You call that lucky?

Now, speaking of Martha Cabot, what about all the people

that you meet at your academic competitions.

I mean, the science fairs, the debates you're in?

Well, we just compete, and then we get on the bus

or they get on the bus, and it's over.

Right! By the time our palms stop sweating, they're gone.

Did it ever occur to you that maybe their palms

are sweating too?

Well, this is a marriage made in heaven.

Put your sweaty little palms together.

Make contact!

[indistinct chatter]

Look, you have minds. Use them.

I.. You have a computer.

- Use it. - Oh, hang on.

You're suggesting a computerized

dating service for us?

I love it. Date a doofus.

- Come on. - Not a dating service.

Merely a means of getting acquainted with other students

like yourselves from different high schools.

It's just a suggestion. You don't have to do it.

Of course, I don't have to be sympathetic to your problem

if you're doing anything to solve it.

[indistinct chatter]

Yo! Guys, guys! Let's see it. This is doable.

[indistinct chatter]

Ah, could we do it on your own time, please?

[instrumental music]

(Dr. Samuels) 'So you're the new teachers' union rep, huh?'

Let me tell you the way we do things

around here, Mr. Moore.

The teachers complain to their chapter leader.

"Too much this, not enough that."

- Espresso? - No, thank you.

- Cappuccino? - No.

Cafe-au-lait.

No, merci.

Anyway, the chapter leader comes and tells me

"Too much this, not enough that."

I say, "You're absolutely right. I'll look into it."

Great. Now, what we need now is a, a new coffeemaker

for the teachers' lounge.

- I'll look into it. - No. no.

I'm-I'm just asking you to okay a requisition

for a new coffeemaker.

W-what's wrong with the old one?

There is no old one. It's dead.

Okay, you got it.

Thank you.

Uh, so how long does that take?

Uh, it usually takes six to eight weeks.

- To get a new coffeemaker? - 'No.'

Before they start processing the request.

But.. Wh-wh-what about.. What about this one?

I mean, you got it in a week.

Unfortunately, this was procured with an administrative request.

Uh, as opposed to yours, which was a faculty request.

How long does a faculty request take?

Don't hold your breath.

Well, that's outrageous.

You're absolutely right. I'll look into it.

[instrumental music]

Okay, Arvid, we got your likes and dislikes down.

Now, in ten words or less, who are you?

Well, I'm, I'm lonely.

Uh, but outgoing.

Shy, yet assertive.

Uh.. Needy, and giving.

Unusual looking.

- Good. - Yeah, that's right.

Though some say I'm handsome.

Arvid, this isn't gonna fly. Um, let's go with, uh..

- Classy Manhattan intellectual. - Yeah, yeah.

- Eclectic interests. - Okay.

Uh, discreet. Maybe sensual.

Little witty. And, um..

- Desperate! - 'Yeah.'

Girls! Girls! Girls! Girls! Free computer time.

Who wants to be the first one to line up for my computer?

No, thanks. Not interested, Dennis.

Whatever life holds in store for me is not on your floppy disk.

- Suit yourself. Darlene? - Forget it, Dennis.

I don't believe in advertising for love.

I do. Here.

- Sarah? - Great.

May as well cover all bases.

Okay, oh, Jawaharlal

I realize you're on the Indian layaway plan.

But, uh.. Are you interested?

Why not? Besides, how can you cheat on a five year old?

- Simone. - No, thanks, Dennis.

I'm really not good at blind dates.

Come on, Simone, this program is the cutting edge

of male-female compatibility.

I can guarantee you, I'll find you a soulmate.

Hey! If you don't mind, she's already met her soulmate.

It's just the question of when it sinks in, right?

Okay, Dennis, what do you need to know?

Need to start with your favorite things.

That would be, uh, "Raindrops on roses or whiskers on kittens?"

I don't believe this.

You won't go out on a date with me

but you're gonna go out with some guy from Bronx Science

who eats bananas with his mouth open?

All I'm doing is answering a few questions.

What's the big deal?

[school bell ringing]

Okay. Ah, that's enough of "The All-New Dating Game."

Back to the good ol' game of dates.

I like to call it history.

[instrumental music]

Okay, Dennis, you've had enough time. Give me a name!

Come on, Arvid, you can't rush this kind of thing.

Romances aren't made overnight.

Dennis! A guy from Brooklyn Tech called me. He sounds nice.

I may even try goin' out with him. Thanks.

[laughs]

Well, how come she found someone so quickly?

I'm more selective with you, Arvid. I mean, come on!

There's not that many girls out there who like Mr. Rogers.

Dennis! Dennis. I apologize.

I was certain this computer thing was just

another one of your fiascos.

But Muffy Van Pendleton wants to meet me.

Um.. Uh, him too.

How come everybody is getting fixed up except for me?

Hey, come on, Arvid. I got you a date, remember?

Right here, "5'9", blond, math-freak, astronomy buff

chess-player," but no, wasn't good enough for you.

It was a guy!

It doesn't mean he was a bad person.

- Oh! - Arvid, co..

Oh! Simone! Simone! I have found you the perfect match.

Look at this. "Loves Yates, Mahler, Jeanette."

Huh? Not only that.

You also both love mung beans

and hate biker movies. Could it be more perfect?

Um, Dennis, I changed my mind.

I-I don't think I wanna go through with this.

I just can't get used to the idea of going out

with a stranger.

Simone, deep down, we're all strangers.

[indistinct]

I'd like to keep it that way.

Uh, Simone, I'm gonna have to ask you to reconsider that.

No, Dennis, that's my final decision.

- Let me put it this way-- - Excuse me.

But judging by your description you must be Dennis Blunden.

- That's right. - The name's Oswald Bletch.

I'm here to meet Simone Foster.

- You what? - Is this timing perfect?

This lovely creature right here happens to be Simone.

[laughs]

Wow! Simone!

Hubba hubba.

[hissing]

Uh, well, now that you two have met

I suggest you get better acquainted. I have to go now.

- Dennis! - I have to go. Hi, Eric.

[chuckles] I'm sure you two will be very happy together.

[laughs]

Hey, listen, my mom is waitin' in the car

so I'll just run down the vital stats for you.

Four point O average at Bronx Science.

Astronomy club, debate

poetry club, starter on the ping pong team.

Two years Arthur Murray.

Ballroom and disco.

Princeton, Yale and Harvard all want me. How about you?

It was nice meeting you. I hope we meet again someday.

- So, how's tonight? - I don't think so.

Hey, Simone, look at this.

Two tickets to the Kabuki Theater.

- I don't know. - Simone.

These people came all the way from Japan.

I'm having dinner with my family.

Great! I'd love to meet them.

I'll sell the Kabuki tickets.

Family is important. They should get to know me.

They're very shy. You'd be uncomfortable.

Not to worry. They'll love me.

It's a bad time. We're having family problems.

Lean on me.

We're Dutch, we don't lean.

Okay. Saturday night?

I can't. I'm having surgery.

On Saturday night?

Well, early, but not that early.

Simone...look at me.

You're not comfortable with lying, are you?

- No. - No. So why lie?

You're not doing anything Saturday night.

And you're not doing anything tonight.

No, not really.

Great, I'll pick you up at 7:00.

Oswald!

Simone, one of my greatest qualities

is that I'm tenacious.

- Did you see the movie "Alien?" - Yes.

Remember the creature that stuck to the guy's face

and wouldn't get off? Like this.

- Yes. - That's me.

Right there. All the time.

In your face.

I thought I knew you from somewhere.

So I'll see you tonight. Hoo-hoo!

Oswald!

Uh-oh!

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

- Morning! - Hi, guys.

Hey! Made contact with Muffy last night.

She sounds like a real snob.

(all) Aww.

I think we're gonna hit it off.

So, how's things with Oswald Belch?

That's Bletch, and don't ask.

Oh, you didn't actually go out with that poindexter, did you?

I don't want to talk about it.

Simone, you went out with him?

I didn't mean to.

Oh, what do you didn't mean to?

How do you accidentally go out on a date?

He.. I-I can't describe him.

He showed up at my house with these Kabuki tickets

and he wouldn't leave.

I tried to get rid of him. My parents liked him.

And next thing you know, we were at the Kabuki.

He spent half the night under his chair

looking for nasal spray.

Afterwards, he dragged me to a coffee shop for a veggie burger

and the next thing you knew, we were at the all-night

Lina Wertmuller Film Festival.

Yup, and that's when you realized

that the two of you were perfectly matched.

- Am I right? - Wrong.

I hated every minute of it.

I couldn't wait to get rid of him.

So, how'd you do it?

I didn't. I agreed to go out with him again tonight.

- Aw. - Tonight?

- What? - It's the only way he'd leave.

I don't believe this.

All this time, you've been turning me down.

Now two nights in a row, you're gonna go out

with the lead singer of the Chipmunks?

Eric, I-I can say no to you. I like you.

Is that supposed to make some kind of sense?

You're strong. You're confident. You can take rejection.

But this Oswald, he's a manipulative, devious

annoying creep.

He's so pathetic, I feel sorry for him.

I guess I just want to let him down easy.

Simone, this is sick, guys like him, you don't let down

you push off.

Look, there are some people who are a little more sensitive

about other people's feelings than you are.

- Yeah. That's right. - What about her feelings?

No, no, no. What about my feelings, huh?

[indistinct chatter]

Excuse me.

Excuse me. I guess I should've anticipated this.

Just naive, I guess.

My, uh, suggestion to have you meet other IHP kids via computer

seems to have degenerated into Blunden's dating service.

And it's not working. Am I right so far?

Oh, no, no. Mr. Moore, it's working out great.

Simone won't go out on a date with me, but she's gonna date

some guy she hates.

I am not dating him.

You're goin' out with him tonight?

- No, I'm not. - You just said you were.

I know. But I've got it all planned.

I'm gonna hide at Maria's tonight.

- You are? - Okay?

- Fine. - That's not gonna work!

Oh, sure, it'll work. That is a very, very bright idea, Simone.

(Moore) 'Excuse me again.'

Uh, Simone, what's the matter with telling this guy

that you're not interested?

[instrumental music]

Simone, you're going about this the coward's way.

I know what I'm doing.

As long as I avoid Oswald, I'll be okay.

Hello, you goddess of love.

- Hi, girls. - Oswald..

What are you doing here?

I just couldn't wait until this evening to see you.

Besides, this way, we can make the African Insect Exhibit

before it closes at 5:00.

I don't.. Oh.. We've got a lot of homework.

(both) Homework, Oswald.

Homework? Homework's no problem.

I'll help you do it over root beer and cheese doodles.

Well, what's the worse that could happen?

Their kids could have his voice and his looks.

- Dr. Sam-- - Ah-aah!

If this is about the teachers' lounge

believe me, I've have a lot more

important things on my mind at the moment.

I'm sure you do, sir, and I know your faculty does too.

So we can just drop those as conversational topics.

Let's talk about, uh, a simple, yet symbolic gesture

that only you could make.

Just slicing right through the bureaucratic red tape

to get us that coffeemaker for the teachers' lounge. Hmm?

Your way of saying to your faculty members..

"Hey! I care."

Hey! I don't care.

[instrumental music]

Um, Mr. Moore?

If a girl told you she loved you on Thursday

but that she fell out of love with you on Friday

would you believe her?

Is this about you and Oswald?

Yeah, I-I can't stand him

but I don't want to hurt his feelings.

- Know what I mean? - Yeah.

I mean, sometimes it's hard

to give someone an honest no for an answer.

Believe me, I have received my fair share

of fake phone numbers in my time.

I've given him every signal girls give guys

to let him know I'm not interested.

- But he just doesn't get it. - Well, I understand that.

I mean, one thing I've learned from my gifted students

is they don't always get the message.

I get it.

No more Miss Nice Guy.

I've gotta be brutally frank, and just tell him

I don't want to see him anymore.

And I'm gonna do it tonight.

- Good. - At dinner.

- Good. - After the ballet.

Okay, okay, okay, Alan. I'll agree with you.

Aaron Burr had a right to be annoyed with Alexander Hamilton.

Not enough to waste him in a duel.

Excuse me.

Don't you have a school of your own to go to?

Well, I'm working on a transfer here to Fillmore

and I'm here to drop off my grades.

- Oh, no! - Yeah, yeah.

It'll be great being in class with you guys

and let me tell you something, you could use the competition.

We could use some bug spray.

And I brought a little something for my heart-mate.

It's a picture of me for your locker.

Oswald, there's something I need to tell you.

Uh, Simone, don't you and Oswald want to step out in the hall?

(all) Oh! No!

Oswald, it's over.

What's over?

- I fell in love with you. - Of course, you did.

But then, I fell out of love with you.

I want you to know I'll never forget you. Goodbye.

[chuckles] You won't forget me.

I'll be sitting right next to you in class.

(all) Oh, no!

I haven't been fair to you.

See, the truth is, and I don't want it to sound harsh

but I don't like you.

I never liked you. I seem to have a problem saying no.

It's the only reason I went out with you.

When I told you I loved you once

it was a lie just to get rid of you.

Now, I want this to be perfectly clear.

It's not because of another guy or anything else.

I just don't like you.

Maybe we should seek counseling.

Oswald! Didn't you hear what I said? It's over.

You realize of course this could affect my decision

to attend school here.

(all) Yes.

Uh, Oswald, it's a tough break

but I sense you're a real fighter deep down.

I know you'll-you'll probably find someone else.

- I'll get over it. - Sure.

I have superior recuperative powers.

Oh, I'm sure you do.

I'll tell you somethin' else.

This computer dating is a crock anyway.

Dennis, I want my ten bucks back.

What?

Look, Ozzie, I got you the date. I don't guarantee results.

- I want it back. - In your dreams.

Did you see the movie "Alien?"

Remember the creature that stuck to the guy's face

and wouldn't get off, like this?

That's me! Right there! All the time.

Simone, I'm out of your face.

And I'm into his.

Wow! What a nerd.

Dennis, you sold me to him for $10?

Personally, Simone, I thought you were worth a lot more

but the market's a little soft right now.

(all) Oh, Dennis.

Dennis, that is not the point, and you know it.

Now, my suggestion was simply an attempt

to expand everybody's social horizons

not to establish a profit-making enterprise.

And I'm sorry that it turned out this way.

No, no, no. Wait a second, Mr. Moore. It wasn't all bad.

Yeah. Some of us met some pretty nice people.

Mm-hmm. And just think..

...Muffy Van Pendleton paid money to meet me.

I'm thrilled.

Sorry, Alan, Muffy stopped payment on her check.

[instrumental music]

[slurping]

I tell you, this machine makes

a great cup of coffee every time.

No, thanks.

Time to talk about the teachers' union.

I have here a list of items

we'll be discussing in our next meeting.

I thought I'd give you the chance

to preview the agenda.

Class sizes. Teachers' schedule.

New coffeemaker. Unnecessary faculty meetings.

New coffeemaker.

- Administrator rating system. - What?

Oh, we're gonna start rating the administrators including you.

- You gotta be kidding. - No, no. Where was I?

Uh.. Docking the paychecks.

New coffeemaker. Lunch hour duty.

- Alright! You win. Take it! - Thank you very much.

Incidentally, if you could order about a dozen more

of these little cups.

Wait, wait, wait a minute!

[theme music]