Original subtitles

[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

- After you, my dear. - Why, thank you, darling.

May I help you to your seat, Mrs. Engen?

Must've been quite a weekend.

We start our two-week marriage and family class today.

We had to stop at the office and get our reading list

and course outline.

And we got a peek at the list

of our assigned spouses.

Right, for our trial marriages

w-we have to, um, do budgets

plan meals, do household chores.

Mm-hmm, and there's stuff for the men to do too.

- Eric. - Sorry!

Well, I know you two are linked for life.

What about the rest of you? Who is, uh, hitched to whom?

I'm very proud that Sarah has been assigned to be my wife.

I couldn't have asked for a more agreeable

well-mannered, considerate husband.

I can't believe my luck. I am Mr. Darlene.

I can't believe I'm married to a guy

that dresses like a chemical spill.

Maria?

I'm stuck with Alan.

Hey, this is no bowl of kumquats for me either, you know.

Well, some marriages are made in heaven.

This one was made in a classroom.

Dennis.

This whole assignment is a farce.

I mean, come on, marriage is just an institution of the state

created to produce work units.

'I mean, personally, I'm opposed to the way'

that it reduces women to the subservient roles

of reproductive and domestic slaves.

Morally and ethically, I don't even think

I can participate in the assignment.

- Dennis, tuck in your shirt. - Make me!

I take it that's the little woman.

Yeah!

[school bell ringing]

Well, good luck, uh..

No marriage, not even a trial one is easy.

Is that based on your marriage, Mr. Moore?

Well, I didn't have a chance to practice the way you do.

Ma-marriage is difficult.

It's just a problem to be solved like any other.

Look, there is more to it than that.

Uh, marriage is like the foreign legion.

If you haven't been in it

you'll never know what it's like.

So, when President Carter decided that..

...we.. Huh.

- See you tomorrow. - Later.

- Bye. - Bye.

[indistinct chatter]

- Hi, Charlie. - Hi.

Well, I suppose you heard.

Uh, heard, about what?

The new IHP class.

The one about marriage, yeah.

You can't teach marriage.

I mean, that is like, uh, trying to learn

how to play the trumpet by mail, you know.

Whose crazy idea was this class anyway?

Mine.

Well, uh, pardon me while I

extract this foot from my mouth.

Charlie, I happen to have extensive training

in marriage and family counseling.

Well, I happen to believe that this is an area

that requires a little firsthand knowledge.

Well, pardon me for saying so, but I think that no marriage

is better than one that didn't work.

Well, pardon me for saying so, but, uh..

...I think it's a mistake to teach a course in marriage

from a naive and unrealistic point of view.

Better than bitter, angry and disillusioned.

I don't think I ever said my marriage was like that.

Oh, you broke up because you were too happy?

Look, Bernadette, I..

Two people at the same time

are going in the opposite direction.

The only place they're gonna meet

is in a divorce court.

And this is supposed to be my free period.

So I do need to finish grading these tests.

Oh, gee, Charlie, you know, I think

you'll be a lot more comfortable..

- In the teachers' lounge. - Why?

Because this is where I'm teaching my class.

[chuckles]

Delicious sort of irony at work here.

I am being evicted by the newlywed game.

[instrumental music]

Hi, there, hey. Hello.

It's impossible to have a life on this budget.

Darlene, it's an imaginary budget.

Right, I can't imagine living on it.

O-obviously, you know, I didn't even know

you could use Perrier in a steam iron.

Look, here's an idea that's gonna save us a lot of money.

- What's this? - Coupons.

Look at this. Ten cents off on duds.

Fifteen cents off on pot pies

and 25 cents off on odor eaters.

- Morning, everyone. - Morning, sir.

Mr. Moore, did you have problems with money?

Doesn't everybody?

No, I mean when you were married.

Well, on what an off-off Broadway actor made back then

now there were a lot of things we couldn't afford..

Uh, we worked it out.

I bet your wife didn't spend 90 percent

of your budget on food.

I don't have a husband.

I have a vacuum cleaner with teeth.

Well, I got a wife who skips to the market.

Well, at least I'm getting some exercise.

Excuse me.

So, if we could, uh

start talking about the NATO Alliance.

Remember it?

[instrumental music]

(Bernadette) 'Compromise is so important in a marriage.'

And we're gonna start talking about compromise

in our schedules now, okay?

Sarah and I don't need to compromise.

That's right, we don't need to compromise.

(both) We agree on everything.

Okay, uh, Alan and Maria

why don't we hear your weekly schedule?

Okay, well, I think ours is pretty good.

Mm-hmm. "Monday 7 a.m.

"Alan at Harvard Club for power breakfast.

"Maria cleans house, gets Lincoln town car waxed

'picks up cleaning, washes the dog--"'

Wait a minute. Where did that all come from?

I didn't agree to any of that.

- I did a few revisions. - I'm your wife.

I'm not your slave.

This is good. This is good.

They're airing their disagreements.

But, um, next time you might try

planning your schedule together.

And then try following it. Alright?

- 'Umm.' - Excuse me, Ms. Meara.

My attendance book.

No, no, no, it's okay. Why don't you join us?

You might find it illuminating.

Uh..

Janice, Dennis, how's yours coming?

We don't have a schedule.

Our schedule is perfect

and we are not changing it.

- "Monday--" - Don't read that out loud.

"Monday, up at 6 a.m., Dennis jogs to the gym

I follow on my bicycle--"

You wake me up at 6 a.m., you'll be following me in a hearse.

It sounds like you two also need

to try a little compromise.

Uh, ah..

Eric and Simone?

Weekdays are okay, weekends, no.

The weekend's family time.

Friday nights, we have dinner with my folks

and play charades.

And Saturday is a family symphony tickets

and Sunday, we read aloud at grammy's house.

This week, it's Jane Austen.

And while Simone's doing that, I'll be at Izzy's.

Being with my family is very important to me.

And being with my pool cue is very important to me.

You're supposed to be married.

I'm not supposed to be dead.

[school bell ringing]

Well, we have had a very nice head start here

in our scheduling, and as you can see

it's not all fun and games after the honeymoon.

So, for tomorrow, if you could please

bring in your revised schedules.

- Yes, thank you. - Okay, you're right.

- Maria, I want to talk-- - Don't talk to me.

- Maria.. - Well, Charlie.

What do you think?

Well, uh, I've been thinking

about several things I said to you here yesterday

and I-I thought I should apologize.

Oh..

But I don't think I'm going to.

Your class bears no relationship to reality--

Oh, Charlie, tell me.

Oh, swami, what is reality?

Reality is, uh, one out of every two marriages ends in divorce.

Oh, well, probably because they haven't taken my class.

Bernadette, really, I..

You know, teaching the kids schedules and budgets

may help them get a job in a bus station somewhere

but I don't think it's gonna prepare them for marriage.

Oh, what would you teach them, Charlie?

Well, what about love?

Uh, what about two people

growing mutually interdependent?

And there are larger commitments like having kids.

Oh, I-I'm gonna get to kids.

Oh, you're gonna teach them about kids?

- Yeah, I'm gonna teach them-- - How are you gonna teach them--

You wanna know how I'm gonna teach them--

Yes, I wanna know.

I'm not gonna tell you.

I knew it!

[instrumental music]

[school bell ringing]

- Good morning, everyone. - Good morning, sir.

- Well, what have we here? - We're parents.

Meet little Egbert. Can you hear me, sweetheart?

Isn't it great?

- Have a cigar. - Well, thank you.

Cuban Chocolate, my favorite.

So, uh, she gave you these eggs...for babies?

Uh-huh, e-each couple's assigned an egg

to take care of during our trial marriage.

Yup, a real egg with a real baby chicken inside

and they're almost ready to hatch.

We have to keep them in these incubators.

One member of the couple has to be with the egg at all times.

Well, an egg is hardly a substitute

for a real-life human baby.

You'd be surprised. We have nighttime feedings.

Everybody should get up every three hours

and turn the egg.

And just to make it real warm up a bottle of formula.

And you're actually going to do this?

- Yes, sir. - Yes.

Janice, that, uh, reminds me..

Excuse me, Mr. Moore.

[sighs] Sweetheart..

...I was wondering if you could take care of our kid

our egg child tonight?

I, uh, got something important to do.

No, Dennis, the whole point of the assignment--

Yeah, yeah, sacrifice, I'm aware of that.

But-but we're talking about a future chicken

versus the last night of the Star Trek convention.

A Treky convention?

Why can't you people get a life?

Janice, this is important. Lieutenant Uhura is the speaker.

No, it is your turn. The subject is closed.

- Excuse me.. - Excuse me, Mr. Moore, I just--

Excuse me, Ms. Meara.

I was just curious to see how my little

IHP-ers were doing as parents.

Well, you can't actually call them parents

um, perhaps, farmers.

This farmer's not too happy.

I do not have time to babysit a future omelet.

I have an important meeting to attend tonight.

At a Star Trek convention.

Dennis, you're a married man and a father.

It's time to switch from Mr. Spock to Dr. Spock.

That's right, Blunden, maybe this will teach you

a little responsibility.

How do you expect to be a role model to your egg?

He already is.

- Humpty-Dumpty. - Ooh-hoo.

Okay, that's really great.

You wanna ruin my life? Go ahead.

- Fine, I don't care. - See, I-I like this.

This is what marriage is all about.

Ruining your life.

No, no, no. No, it's not, Eric.

Well, I think they're learning something

from this assignment, don't you?

[instrumental music]

Eric, that's not what marriage is all about.

What happened to your marriage, Mr. Moore?

- Yeah, what happened? - What happened?

Well, what happened to my marriage was personal.

Let's not argue in front of the children.

Right, well, we wouldn't wanna ruffle any feathers

before they hatch.

Outside!

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

I realize what we have here is a conflict.

Between a man whose wife obviously dumped him

and a lonely spinster.

- Excuse me. - Just are you--

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The point is

regardless of how this thing started

I want it stopped.

Ms. Meara is teaching her marriage class

and I want no further interference from you. Capeesh?

If they will keep their marital squabbles

and their grade A large offspring

out of my history class

I'll try to overlook this foolishness..

...temporarily.

Oh, I accept that...grudgingly.

Fine.

Now, can we all get back to work..

...enthusiastically, huh?

[instrumental music]

Eric! Eric!

- I'm in a lot of trouble, man. - What?

Your mother changed the lock on the refrigerator?

Last night, I took our egg to the Star Trek convention

and I don't know how, but I lost it.

Well, maybe your egg has gone where no egg has gone before.

Well, what's that?

I had to buy a new egg from

the poultry store this morning.

I borrowed this incubator

from the science lab.

Yeah, so, why tell me?

I need an alibi.

In case our kid doesn't hatch

I need you to swear that you were

with me and my kid last night

for a father and egg kind of evening.

I was gonna ask you to be my alibi.

- Perfect. Okay. - Great.

- Oh! Where were we? - Where were we?

Wow, look at this.

Twenty cents off on industrial strength bleach.

Arvid, you woke me up to tell me that?

Well, I like my whites as white as they can be.

Come on now, Darlene, staying up with the egg

is part of our new lifestyle.

My lifestyle with Arvid is missing two things.

Life and style.

Oh, oh, oh.

Arvid, what is that you're taking?

Gelumints.

Don't you mean Gelusil, Arvid?

These do the same job for ten cents less.

Staying up with the egg gives you such

a wonderful sense of accomplishment.

And you know, last night, I could hear the egg

scratching on the inside of the shell.

And then when the egg falls back to sleep

you have that quiet time

on the phone with your spouse talking about

the surprises the next day holds.

Oh, shut up.

I'm just glad tomorrow is the last day.

I couldn't spend another day with Chicken Little.

Oh, well, maybe you should have married, Eric.

Last night it was his turn and he wasn't there.

Hey, hey, hey. I left a note.

[sighs] Later?

[school bell ringing]

- Good morning, everybody. - Good morning.

- Oh, excuse me. - Oh, excuse me.

I was up all night burping our egg.

Why doesn't it just hatch already?

God, I hate being pregnant.

Okay, I'd like to start today on the farm labor movement.

Uh, excuse me, Mr. Moore. Can we speak?

Excuse me.

I've been thinking, Charlie. This is so silly.

I mean, we're friends, so we had a disagreement

and I think we can get over it, huh?

You know, you're right.

Good, and i-if you really wanna know, I, I understand.

Yo-you understand what?

Well, last night, I, uh, I talked all about you

in my psychology class.

You talked about me? Why?

Well, it-it came up.

And we all agreed that your intentions are probably good.

But that you're projecting the hostility that you still carry

with you from the unresolved conflict of your divorce

that you haven't fully worked through.

And, Charlie, I-I, I forgive you.

[scoffs] Bernadette, uh, I'm over my divorce.

Charlie, it's okay.

You do not have to deny those inner feelings.

Cou-could we drop the psychobabble for just a moment?

Charlie, this isn't psychobabble.

- No, it is. - No, it is not.

- Cha-- - Please?

Look, I'm willing to admit

that, uh, a marriage and family course

could be valuable.

Well, thank you.

If...the approach was different.

Oh?

Do you happen to have an approach in mind?

Yes and no.

Well, Charlie, if you have something

useful to say to my students, by all means say it.

And if not, I don't know how to put this tactfully

but put an egg in your shoe and beat it.

[instrumental music]

They're getting close. I see two beaks.

Okay, okay, come on. Let's finish this up.

Um, Eric and Simone?

How did your marriage work out?

Well, our marriage started out great.

- But then it hit the rocks. - And it went down from there.

But you know, we talked about it and we tried

to isolate our biggest problem.

Um, family.

See, Simone's got a big one

'and I'm not used to having any.'

I also didn't like the idea of sitting around

reading Jane Austen on Sunday nights.

Well, what would you do?

Well, if I loved the woman, I guess I'd go

and say I had a great time.

But-but then afterwards, we'd go to Izzy's

and play pool. I'd probably like it.

That's pretty good.

- Uh, Dennis. - What?

How would you categorize your marriage?

Hell. She tried to make me over.

All she kept talking about was clothes and diet and exercise.

If I'd wanted that, I would've married Richard Simmons.

So you're saying that your marriage didn't work?

The only good thing that came out of this marriage

was a little chicken I get to raise.

(Bernadette) 'Darlene, Arvid?'

Well, I'll say this for Arvid.

He may be cheap, but he never lost his temper.

I don't know how he keeps his composure.

Arvid?

Well, Ms. Meara, let me put it this way.

This is a note from my doctor.

"Please excuse Arvid from being married to Darlene.

She's giving him an ulcer."

It's more than he ever gave me.

Uh, I guess we don't have to ask

how Jawaharlal and Sarah did.

Well, he-he certainly was nice.

- She was pleasant. - Uh-huh, he was considerate.

- She was gracious. - We had no arguments.

- No disagreements, no fights. - No egos, no traumas.

- No sparks. - No excitement.

It was like being trapped in a greeting card.

I guess our relationship works better as friends.

I guess so.

Well, at-at least you learnt

what doesn't work for you. Hmm.

And, uh, finally, Alan and Maria.

You mean oil and water.

Yeah, I'm surprised it lasted this long.

- It was terrible. - It was awful.

- All we did was fight. - Like cats and dogs.

But I must admit she put up a good fight.

She even won a few.

- "A few?" - Okay, maybe half.

I never figured a woman could be such a worthy adversary.

I never thought that underneath his dumb male chauvinist front..

...Alan actually has an open mind.

As strange as it seems, it was kinda...fun.

- I think we were happy. - Yeah.

I think we were too.

Let's call that a success.

(Bernadette) 'Um..'

- Ms. Meara. - Mr. Moore.

Listen, uh, I know I've been quite critical of your class

and in many ways, I still am.

'But in thinking it over, I also realized'

that instead of taking potshots

maybe I should try to help out.

Well, if, uh, knowing what happened to my marriage

is still of any interest..

- Yeah, sure it is. - Yes, of course.

Sometimes things come up in a marriage

that you just can't work out.

No matter how much you love someone.

Like what?

Like children.

'I wanted them, she didn't.'

She didn't think it was the right time.

I kept trying to explain that it would

never be exactly the right time.

The next thing I knew, we had separated

and I guess it just took.

[scoffs] But didn't you love each other?

Very much.

But sometimes that is not enough.

We married very young.

And each of us believed

that the other was immature.

[sighs]

I accused her of being in secret training for "Suburbia."

And then she accused me.

Looking back, we-we had a lot of silly arguments.

You ever hear from her?

Yeah, she's, uh, married to an orthodontist

in Scarsdale.

She has four kids with great teeth.

- I have ten with great minds. - Aw!

Thank you, Charlie.

[chirping]

Hey, look, my egg, it's hatched.

- Oh! - Alright!

- 'Mine too!' - 'Mine too!'

- Look at them. - Oh.

Look at them.

- 'Oh my God.' - 'Oh, let's see.'

Janice, Dennis, where's yours?

Our child is a duck?

- It's a miracle. - Dennis!

[indistinct chatter]

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Oh, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep.

Aww, isn't that sweet? He already knows your name.

Dennis, we have to find that egg.

I know, I know.

Excuse me.

My name is Nichelle Nichols.

How do you do? Uh, my name is Charlie Moore.

(Nichelle) 'How do you do?'

I think this might belong

to someone in your class.

Lieutenant Uhura!

Could this be yours? It was left at the convention.

At first I thought it was a Klingon's breakfast.

'But then I saw it said'

Fillmore High School.

Don't touch that!

Hey, listen. Think you could beam her up?

(Nichelle) 'Oh.'

Scotty, come in, please.

[instrumental music]

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