Original subtitles

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Come on, come on. Read it!

"Dear Mr. and Mrs. Blunden..

"Woodburn Condominium Estates cordially invites you

"to a complementary champagne brunch

on the site of our beautiful vacation home development."

"And at no obligation.

"Just for being our guest, you will receive a free gift.

A 19-inch color television set with remote control."

Wow!

"In addition, there will be a drawing

"for an all-expense-paid snorkeling vacation for two

to the island of Bermuda."

Mm-hmm. "We hope to see you and Mrs. Blunden this weekend."

Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

Yeah. So?

So...I need a wife by next weekend.

Forget it. You couldn't support me in the manner

to which I am accustomed.

Besides, they'll never believe you're married.

Oh, really?

Fake driver's license.

Fake marriage certificate.

Fake wedding ring.

Uh, but-but, Dennis, uh..

Are-are you really gonna do all this j-just for a TV set?

No, it's not just for the color TV.

Imagine me, Dennis Blunden

floating over the coral reef in Bermuda, snorkeling--

I-i-isn't that dangerous?

- Dangerous? - Yeah.

You could get harpooned.

[chuckles]

Well, let's get started here.

I've got your essays on

"Important Historical Assassinations"

and Simone's paper on "The Murder Of Napoleon"

was very impressive.

Especially since Napoleon died of natural causes.

Not quite, Alan. Arsenic.

- Really? - How's that?

She cites a lot of medical evidence indicating that

Napoleon's illness while in exile on the isle of St. Helena

was due to his being slowly poisoned.

One of the officers in his entourage

was secretly working for the French Royal Family.

Hm, sure. You know, you're always ready to blame

everything on the rich.

Oh, Janice, uh, you find Napoleon boring

or are you just a royalist?

- Hi. - Hi.

Oh, I'm sorry! I'm going over Dvorak's "Cello Concerto."

Well, I'm sorry, I was going over history.

Um, since it is my class, I guess I win.

But, Mr. Moore, I have to be one hundred percent ready.

I'm challenging Christina Reed for first chair today.

She's first cello and I'm second.

If I win, it's the other way around.

Isn't she pretty good?

I can take her.

Oh, come on, Janice, Christina Reed

is gonna blow your doors off.

Yeah, she's some kind of musical prodigy or something.

- She's practically a genius. - Mm-hmm.

But I am a genius.

I'd be first chair by now

if I'd been rigorous enough with myself.

Rigorous enough? Hmm.

Mr. Moore, face it, I'm a gifted child.

If I apply myself, I can do anything.

And today at orchestra practice

I'm gonna kick some butt.

[laughing]

Now this, I've got to see.

- Good luck, Janice. - Yeah, Janice, good luck.

Okay. Today, I would like to begin discussions

about the women's movement.

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Amazing! Almost everyone played almost all the notes.

Hm. Next time, we'll try to play some of them together.

Now, before you go

we have a challenge for the first chair

in the cello section.

Our second chair, Janice Lazarotto, is the challenger.

And the piece is, uh, Dvorak's "Cello Concerto."

I think we'll start with Christina.

I'm ready, Mr. Kimble.

[cello music]

Thank you. Christina, thank you very much.

It was very nice.

- Janice? - Wait.

- Okay. - Go ahead.

[cello music]

- Ugh! My string broke. - That's okay. Really.

It wa-it was very nice. Thank you.

- I didn't finish! - No, really, it was fine.

Th-the part I heard was lovely.

You mean I win?

Uh, no.

- That's not fair. - No, it is fair.

I-I had heard enough from both of you to make a decision.

I want to do it again. I can borrow her instrument.

No, really, uh..

Now I understand the situation.

I was blind, but now I see.

Janice.

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(Dennis) 'Come on, we'll get out of the city for the weekend.'

We'll have a nice champagne brunch. We'll mingle.

Well, what's in it for me?

Uh, I understand they're giving the wives

complimentary wrist corsages.

Dennis, come on, do you honestly think that

anyone's gonna believe I am your wife?

Simone!

You know, when you and I get up to Woodburn Estates

we may actually decide to buy one of those condos.

Dennis, I couldn't go.

I couldn't lie about being your wife.

You don't have to. Just stand by my side.

Look pretty, nod a lot, agree with everything I say.

Just like a real wife would do.

[Dennis clears throat]

I probably shouldn't have said the part about the real wife.

Probably not.

Not if they threatened to stick a steel spike through my eye.

There's an interesting no.

Uh, forgetting someone, Dennis?

Pfft. Why?

What kinda cruel rejection do you have in mind for me?

Heh-heh, none. I'd love to go. I think it'd be fun.

- What's in this for you? - Nothing.

I just think it'd be nice to spend a day in the country.

- You mean it? - Uh-huh.

Sarah! Thank you! Thank you!

You know, this could be

a very interesting weekend.

Back off, bubba.

- Morning, everybody. - 'Good morning!'

Okay, let's get, uh, pencils and papers ready.

I've got a lot of statistics to get through today.

Don't make me use the bullwhip, alright?

Statistics that reflect the changing status

of women in America.

"Percentage of men who say they are happier

since divorce or separation, fifty-eight percent."

(female #1) 'Wow!'

"Women who say they are happier since divorce

eighty-five percent."

- Hmm! - 'Wow!'

All that proves is that women are better liars.

- Oh, yeah, right. - Come on!

"Percentage of women who think

"they would do better than average

in a fist fight, 27."

Eh, great, try sellin' tickets to a fight

between Mike Tyson and Oprah Winfrey.

Janice, uh..

I don't read while you're talking, so..

Oh, sorry.

- Law book? - Yes.

I'm filing a civil suit against the school board

Mr. Kimble, Dr. Samuels

the music department, and ten John Doe's.

And I'm filing for an injunction to have the concert stopped

if I don't get another challenge.

[indistinct chattering]

- That's ridiculous. - Oh, really?

Cooper versus Tuskedini.

Crams versus Mentovani.

Mingus versus Tezal.

There are lots of cases where musicians

had to seek justice in the courts.

I'm fully prepared to file these

before the close of business today.

On your own time, okay?

I can't. I have to finish filling out these forms.

Okay, Janice. Uh, outside, please.

I know the lawsuit is a long shot.

But it is a way of making my point.

- I'm a victim. - A victim of what?

Favoritism.

I popped a string.

He used it as an excuse to stop my challenge.

I could've won.

He just likes her more.

It's a clear-cut case of prejudice.

That's a serious charge, Janice.

Mr. Moore, you're always telling us about justice

and standing up for what we think is right.

Well, here is an injustice that won't go away.

In the words of Martin Luther..

[speaking foreign language]

I really don't know how I can argue with that, Janice.

So, in an attempt to lighten the case load in court

why don't I talk to Mr. Kimble?

Mr. Moore, please

this is my fight.

Well, I'm not going to hit him, I'm just gonna talk to him.

Did she, uh, really have a chance at all?

Well, she's good. She's outstanding.

But she just doesn't have that extra..

...something that-that Christina has.

- The gift? - Yeah, the gift.

It's like, uh, it's like magic.

I-I don't-I don't know.

You know...playing second cello

in a large orchestra, even-even this one

is not too shabby.

Yeah, did you try pointing that out to her?

Oh, yeah, tell that to little Miss Lazarotto.

You mention second to her, she turns into the bad seed.

Charlie, I love Janice, I-I'd like to see her happy

but, uh, I've got 60 kids here.

I gotta think of the big picture, you know?

I-I got a concert coming up next week

and I have to be more concerned with the music

than the, the juvenile genius.

Yeah.

- Janice, wait here. - Okay.

Excuse me, Mr. Kimble.

Uh, I hate to throw my weight around

the dictatory over authoritarian

but, uh, every once in a while, as principal

I'm put in a position where I have to.

Afterwards, he, he feels dirty for weeks.

Would you excuse me, please?

Mr. Kimble, you run a fine orchestra here.

It's a genuine source of pride to me, and to the school.

Well, uh, thank you, Dr. Samuels.

Actually, it's the best thing in my life.

I can't imagine what I'd do without it.

Good, I'm glad to hear that.

And that's why my ultimatum will be so effective.

'I want you to give Janice another audition.'

'I'm not saying she has to win.'

But if it's close..

...you do what you think is right.

You can't be serious.

I have the psyche of a future Nobel Prize winner

at stake here.

Look at it like this, Kimble.

If Janice doesn't get the audition, hey..

[chuckles] Life goes on.

But we might see Mr. Waffing conducting the orchestra here.

'And you, sir'

coaching the girls' hockey team.

'So, uh, all I want'

is a nice fair rematch.

It was fair.

Well, more fair. Capisce?

- Okay. - Everybody happy?

Sounds fair to me.

Janice.

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- Ms. Meara? - Yeah.

This is a hypothetical question.

Could you imagine yourself married to me?

Uh, do you mean now?

Mm, say by, uh, next weekend.

Well, D-Dennis

I-I guess it would cause quite a scandal.

I mean, well, can you imagine

assistant principal weds high school student?

I mean, we'd be social outcasts, pariahs in the community.

No friends. Our families would turn against us.

I'd lose my job.

Of course, you'd have to quit school, get a job to support us.

But we'd live quite simply and quietly.

I mean, no movies, no TV, mostly just you and I sitting around

talking about where we went wrong.

Dennis?

Forget it, Dennis, I am not dressing up as a woman

and pretending to be your wife.

Arvid, this is the '80s! Live a little.

Janice? Psst.

I think we ought to have a little talk.

I know, you thought that was really slimy of me

going to Dr. Samuels.

Well, let's just put that aside for a moment, okay?

See, they play hardball, I play hardball.

That's one way of looking at it.

Christina's got Mr. Kimble

wrapped around her little finger.

I've got Dr. Samuels wrapped around mine.

Wasn't pretty, but I had to defend myself.

Ah.

Well, what's the one thing

I've always tried to teach you about history?

History isn't just what happens.

It's who tells you what happens.

Right.

So, maybe we should look at this thing

from a slightly different point of view, huh?

- Mr. Kimble's? - Mm.

He hates me.

Especially now.

Damn! He likes you a lot.

I think he's just afraid that, uh

you won't be able to handle the truth.

Mr. Moore, I can handle anything.

Okay.

You know, Janice, you're a, a very good cello player.

- Thank you. - Mm-hmm.

Christina, on the other hand, is a brilliant cello player.

Hmm?

Now, she is probably gonna make it her life's work.

Juilliard, New York Philharmonic.

See, she..

Well, she has something that you don't quite have.

Yeah.

Mr. Kimble's ear.

[chuckles] No.

It's a, it's a little more than that.

You know, if you would stop competing with her

and just listen to her play..

I mean, really listen.

You'd understand what I'm telling you.

Mr. Moore, I've made my decision.

At the challenge today, I'll waste her.

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[orchestral music]

Um, before we begin, there's been a new development

in the ongoing soap opera within the cello section.

As you recall, Miss Janice Lazarotto

broke a string during her challenge for first chair.

And since I'm a heck of a guy

I'm gonna break my long-standing rule

'and allow her to challenge again.'

So, Janice, uh, you can begin.

Mr. Kimble..

I've changed my mind.

I've been sitting here thinking about it, and I've decided

I'm not gonna challenge Christina for first chair.

I'm gonna leave the orchestra.

Janice, come on!

[all sigh]

Janice..

Listen, I'd hate to think it was something I said

that made you quit the orchestra.

I guess that because of what you said

I really listened to Christina play.

And for a change, my ears weren't plugged up

with jealousy, envy and spite.

Yeah, she's pretty good, isn't she?

Good?

I don't want to get too technical

but next to her, I stink.

Second chair is, uh, quite a distance from stinking.

Doesn't matter anymore.

I will never play the cello again.

Well, that's a shame.

Look on the bright side

it'll be a lot easier getting a seat on the subway.

Yeah, I guess that is a, a pretty good reason

to quit the orchestra.

I just can't stand being next to Christina

knowing she's better than I am.

Janice..

Look, Christina's on her way

to being a professional musician.

Now, you're on your way to..

...running a space program, but, uh..

You're an amateur musician.

Not only an amateur, a has-been.

Okay, you're the Latin scholar.

Now, you think about "Amateur."

Well, it comes from "Amator"

meaning someone who loves something.

Right.

Somebody who loves something.

Not somebody who's lousy at something

but loves something, like you love playing the cello.

I can't believe you would really give that up.

[scoffs]

I'd tell you what would be important to me.

It's not whether I was number one or number two

or...or number six, but just..

...being in the middle of that orchestra

and playing that, that beautiful music.

It's..

[Beethoven's "Fifth Symphony"]

That was, uh, what we in the music world

refer to as a train wreck.

Yeah. Okay?

Let's try to get this thing back on the rails. Okay?

[Moore clears throat]

I-I think, uh, Janice has a couple of words

she'd like to say.

Go ahead, Janice.

I, um..

I don't really wanna leave the orchestra.

I love the orchestra.

And I don't pl-plan to challenge Christina

for first chair anymore.

I heard her practice, and I realized

what a fantastic player she is.

And so, if you'll take me back

I'd be proud to play next to her.

Maybe I can learn something.

Back in that chair, you big lug.

[cheering]

[applauding]

[Beethoven's "Fifth Symphony"]

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[applause]

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- What are we supposed to do? - Yeah.

Just help out. Add a few pointers.

Give the female mystique.

Okay, come on. Let's try and be helpful.

- Okay. - Alright.

Okay. Alright, Dennis, come on out.

How do I look?

[all laugh]

So, you don't think it'll work, huh?

Dennis, there's no way you can pass for a girl.

Sorry, Dennis, you just weren't made for high heels.

Arvid, I feel so sorry for you having to play his...husband.

Still here, huh?

- Goodnight, Arvid! - Goodnight!

- Girls! - Goodnight.

- Goodnight. - Goodnight.

- Goodnight! - Goodnight!

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