Original subtitles

[theme music]

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[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

A car? Nobody drives a car in New York.

Yeah? Then explain all that traffic out there.

Why did you buy a car?

Because we're gonna be checking out colleges

every weekend.

And in order to do that, you need a car.

And we will, beauty.

- We got a car! - We got a car!

[giggling]

You, uh.. You-you bought a car?

- We're partners. - It's an old--

It's a vintage Volkswagen bug.

Four-on-the-floor, tape deck, the works.

Does the color match your nail polish?

I bet it has a make-up mirror on the sun visor.

[screaming]

You're, uh, you're sharing this car, huh?

We got it worked out perfectly just for the two of us.

- You're certain of this? - Well, yes. Why?

Well, I just wanna be certain

you know what you're getting yourselves into.

I think he has a childhood memory

that may apply.

[chuckles]

It so happens that Eddie Stoner and I

did buy a '49 Merc together when I was in high school

and it was terrific for one week.

- One week? - Yeah.

Ah, it seemed that on the same night

we both had a...big date.

Now, he had to have the car, I had to have the car.

So words were exchanged and fists flew..

He lost a tooth and I split a lip

and we both remained virgins.

Thanks for the warning, Mr. Moore

but we're not two farm boys from Weiser, Idaho.

That's right. We've got this covered from every angle.

We've researched prices, maintenance records

'insurance rates, parking.'

Not only that, but the car we bought is special.

How so?

The engine is in the back.

Dr. Samuels, you wanted to see me?

Yes, I did. How are you?

Fine. And you?

I'm gonna be just fine, I'm gonna be just great.

No problem. Please.

So, uh, what did you wanna talk to me about?

You're the only person on the faculty, I feel

with the human understanding

to help me get through this.

Last night, Mrs. Samuels and I had words.

She had the last two. "Get out."

Well, I'm sorry to hear that, I..

I'm sure it's temporary, it'll blow right over, you know.

I, I don't wanna be late for class.

The woman and I have had the same argument for months.

Well, why, why don't you and I

talk about this further at lunch?

You're a modern guy.

Do you understand the feminist movement?

Yeah, I mean, it's about

pursuit of fulfillment, careers, independence..

I mean, you have to be sensitive to that.

I am.

I told her to get off her fanny and get a job.

I don't think that's what they have in mind.

[bell rings]

Wait!

You didn't ask me where I was staying.

I hope this isn't inconvenient.

No, come on in.

Here, I'll get that for you. I got it, I got it.

[grunts]

So, this is my new home.

Uh, for one night.

- Can I get you a glass of wine? - No, thank you.

Alcohol is a depressant.

I'm already there.

Well, that's something that happens in most marriages

you know, they're just minor setbacks.

What do you know?

You've only been married once, this is my third.

[sniffs] What is it about guys like us and women, Mr. Moore, huh?

- Guys like us? - Yeah. We're losers.

They chew us up and they spit us out.

I read this.

Hated it.

It's so obvious the brother-in-law

killed her, isn't it?

Well, it is now.

Listen, I-I don't wanna be any trouble.

I'll just sack out right here on this couch, huh?

(Charlie) 'Fine, I'm gonna hit the hay myself.'

Ah! Oh, boy!

Back pain, ha. Yeah.

Oh, acts up in times of stress.

But, hey, don't worry about my back.

It'll be alright here.

Where are you going to sleep?

In my bed.

Ah, nice, nice.

So, I get the couch and you get the bed?

(Charlie) 'Right.'

How's your back?

[instrumental music]

Well, so much for Sarah Lawrence College.

Can't believe we never even made it across the Triborough Bridge.

I never wanted to buy that car.

You did, too, and you know it.

That's not true, I wanted the red one.

The red one was a $50,000 Ferrari.

Well, at least it wouldn't throw up its transmission.

Don't worry about it, it can be fixed.

Good. I was hoping you'd say that.

- I'll need about $200. - What for?

- The mechanic. - Mechanic?

You said you could fix the car, remember?

I said I could fix it up, remember?

New seat covers, my baby shoes hanging from the mirror.

A cute little sign in the back which says, "No bozos."

Sarah, I don't have any more money to put in this car.

Oh, sure, tell me about it.

What am I, Gloria Vanderbilt? What about you?

I have a dollar-sixty.

Great. That will buy air for the tires.

Didn't see you girls drive up this morning.

What happened, you stripped the gears already?

[chuckles] The car is fine.

We just didn't feel like driving it to school.

Yeah, so people like you don't sit on it.

Sit on it? I wouldn't sit in it.

You couldn't sit in it.

You're just jealous because you don't have a car.

Not yet, but when we do get a set of wheels

we're not gonna buy an old piece of junk

like two gullible little school girls.

Yeah!

That's it. It's a matter of honor.

We have to get it fixed.

Forget about fixing it, let's just dump it.

We can't dump it until it's fixed.

Don't you think I know that?

God, I hate owning a car.

Yeah, I know. All we do is argue.

Mr. Moore was right.

This is destroying our friendship.

Well, I'd be a lot friendlier if it was at least running.

I've got it.

- Timeshares. - Timeshares?

We raise the money to fix it

by selling timeshares in the car

to everyone in the class.

Timeshares?

You know, it's like a vacation house

in the Hamptons.

You pay X amount of dollars

you get to use it X amount of days.

If we sell all our Xs, we can't drive it.

We can't drive it now.

Right.

By that time, of course, he'd been exposed as a liar.

Uh, Mr. Moore, may, may I ask you

a question about the assignment?

Sure.

Who is "Nichard Rixon?"

Late date last night, Mr. Moore?

With your new roommate?

Mr. Moore, I know the rest of the class joins me

in wishing you and Dr. Samuels every happiness.

Okay. Let's talk about this for a minute.

Dr. Samuels is a man in trouble.

He's a man in pain.

A man who snores.

I, uh, I-I'm simply exercising a little compassion

which I'm sure any of you would do.

And right now, I think we should respect his sense of privacy.

I doubt that Dr. Samuels would appreciate

our discussing his problems.

Excuse me, Mr. Moore, I won't take up a lot of your time.

I just wanted to talk to my best and brightest kids.

Mrs. Samuels and I may have had a parting of the ways.

Now, I know this is not easy for you to hear

but these things happen to adults.

The good news is, I'm okay.

I'm still your academic coach and your principal

so concentrate on your studies

and please

try not to worry too much about me.

I don't know, I'm pretty shook.

This is your personal life, Dr. Samuels.

Why are you sharing it with us?

Because you are special, because you're all compassionate

and you care.

So, what happened, you caught her in the sack

with another principal or what?

I want him re-tested, he-he doesn't belong here.

Thank you, sir.

Charlie.

- I ordered a bed delivered. - Bed?

Well, it's just a small cot, uh..

Pay the man, it's COD.

And don't worry about dinner tonight, okay?

[chuckles] I got it covered.

Like Spanish rice?

[instrumental music]

[Harold humming]

Yeah, Harold, have you seen this morning's "Time.."

[Harold humming]

[sighs]

Good morning, Charlie.

Good morning, Harold.

What a great night!

I feel like a, a new person.

♪ Bum bum ba-ba-ba bum.. ♪♪

Who would have ever known I could get by

on just an hour's sleep?

Not me.

Yeah, you-you know what's weird?

I almost got her out of my mind.

Not me, you know, I-I can't stop thinking about her.

- Like now. - Yeah?

I mean, I see her waking up...alone.

Teary-eyed.

I mean, she misses you, Harold.

Your sound, your smell

your body.

Do you really think so?

Nah. It's over!

I heard it in her voice, I saw it in her eyes.

Believe me, we are finished.

Don't say that.

Charlie, you're just going to have to face it.

The marriage is over.

Please don't say that.

I think it's time for me to start

playing the field again, huh?

Harold, playing the field is not what it used to be.

Oh, don't give me that.

I see you come to school in the morning with that glow.

[chuckles] I want that glow!

- What're you doing? - Oh, it's a new diet.

Worked for Rakim.

[grunting] Hyah!

I'm coming back, Charlie. All the way back.

Uhm. Hut-two, hut-two, hut-two, hut-two..

[grunting]

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

(Sarah) 'So for only $30'

you become part-owner of the automobile.

And the automobile is at your disposal

for one full day a week.

Is Monday available?

Monday, Jawaharlal, done.

- Who's next? - Well, oh-oh, come, on.

You got to Jawaharlal, because.. Well, he's vulnerable.

He's new, he's from India.

He's dazzled by American materialism.

In-in my world, the world of, um, pure intellect..

...who needs a car?

Arvid..

Picture this.

It's Saturday night.

With some miracle, you've got a date with Lori.

Now, without a car

you're standing in a crowded subway

face-to-face with Bernard Gats.

With a car, you're 50 miles up the Hudson river.

You're parked.

You and she are all alone

and you're out of gas.

- I'm in. Saturday night? - You got it, Arvid.

Nice fold, Arvid.

Stop it, Alan. Simone?

Oh. What can I possibly want with a car?

Al-all my free time is taken up with charity work.

That's right.

Always thinking about yourself.

'You know, those senior citizens'

you take to Central Park every Tuesday?

Do you ever think about them?

'You think they might like to take a trip'

up to the Adirondacks?

Or see the leaves change colors in the Poconos?

Or maybe go up to Connecticut

and feel the snow on their weather-beaten faces

just once, before..

No.

I've been so selfish.

I-I'll take a share.

Great. Janice.

A car?

My mother won't even let me have a training bra.

So you'll grow into it.

Alright, forget it.

What's the matter with you people? Can't you see?

If they're trying to raise money

there must be something wrong with the car.

- 'Well, is there something..' - You're right, Alan.

Sarah?

There is something wrong with it.

It's not perfect, and that's why it's in the shop.

Sarah, no.

I wanna tell the truth.

The car is a classic.

And we're raising the money

to restore it to its original condition.

And then, we can sell it for two or three times

what it's worth at the moment.

- Two or three times? - Mm-hmm.

- Thirty dollars? - You in?

- Alright. - Sold.

[bell rings]

Five shares, we're getting close.

- Alright. - Okay.

Today, Martha Mitchell as a visionary

after you fellows take your seats.

Excuse me, Charlie, um..

Dr. Samuels wants you to add

fabric softener to the shopping list.

Can't he buy his own damn fabric softener?

- Sorry. - 'It's alright.'

I'm sorry.

[sighs] Okay.

The, uh, Attorney General John Mitchell..

I'm sorry, excuse me.

Sorry.

B-O-U-N-C-E.

Bounce.

- Sorry. - Smell.

[instrumental music]

- Ah. - Hey, good news.

Extra-large, medium charge.

Dinner's on me tonight, pal.

Extra anchovy.

Your wife called. She's coming over.

- She is? - Yeah.

I think she wants you back.

Sure, she does

now that I'm on the rebound and available.

You're not available!

Look, Harold.. Sorry, uh, but..

Deep down in my heart, I know

how much you wanna get back together with her.

What? And give up what we have here?

What do we have here? We have two adults males.

One of them hates anchovies.

Well, there's no problem.

They're removable.

Harold, that's not the problem.

Look, I don't know how to tell you this

but, uh, the magic is gone.

You're starting to sound like Louis.

See.

You can't stop thinking about her.

Now, you miss her, right?

Sure, I miss her.

But I would rather spend the next ten years

living in this apartment with you

than admit it to her.

- Is that.. - Probably.

Ah. I'm not ready!

Just a minute.

- How do I look? - You look fine, Harold.

- I need a shower. - Come on, open the door.

Act your age, okay?

Louis, if you're here to beg me to come back

let me just say, I'm fine here.

I'm happy. I'm picking up the pieces.

Really?

Well, here are a few pieces you forgot to pick up.

Come and get the rest of your stuff by Saturday

or I'm sending it to the Goodwill.

Goodwill? You wouldn't know the meaning of the word.

You think I'm miserable here? I'm not, I'm happy.

- Charlie, tell her. - He's miserable.

I get respect here. Friendship.

Charlie and I are doing some serious male bonding.

- Well, it's not that serious. - Yes, it is.

I'll let the two of you work that out by yourselves.

- I'm leaving. - Now, hold it.

Nobody leaves here without her husband.

[instrumental music]

Okay, so we have no financial problems.

We're still both attracted to one another, physically.

Uh, let's talk about common interests. Any?

Folk dancing.

Travel.

Meet by mail.

You have pen pals all over the country.

He belongs to the Steak Of The Month Club.

Well, nevertheless, I-I-I see

a-a terrific marriage here.

What is the problem?

The problem is him!

Oh, I'm leaving.

- Say, "Louis, don't go." - Oh, let her go.

- Say it! - Louis, don't go!

Louis...is the fact that

Harold wants you to get a job..

Does that have anything to do with this?

That has everything to do with this.

Look, I've had a job for the last 18 years.

'Raising our kids.'

Harold?

They're in college, they're gone.

Moved on to greener pastures, she's still grazing.

I want to graze, I need a rest.

She has a brilliant mind, it's going to atrophy.

Oh, look. I'll get a job.

I just need some time to figure out

what it is I wanna do.

Raising kids takes a lot out of a person.

She has a good point, Harold.

Of course, she has a good point.

She has a brilliant mind, too.

Well, you keep saying that to me.

Well, I mean it. That's what I love about her.

I have a Ph.D. in, in attendance

not communication.

It's what I love about you, honey.

Your mind, your intellect.

I really missed you, you know.

Well.

It sure is nice to hear you say that.

Goobs.

Okay, I guess we're communicating now, huh?

Isn't it great? Don't let me interrupt.

I'm gonna slip out, I'll go to a movie or something.

No, no, no, we'll go.

We'll work the rest of this out at home, okay?

Come on, Harold, let's go.

What about my stuff, my clothes?

I'll pack it up, I'll bring it to school.

Thank you. Nice meeting you--

Okay, nice meeting you.

- Thank you. - See you tomorrow, doctor.

[sighs]

- What happened? - Ev-everything's okay.

I just wanted to say something.

Oh, sure.

This past week, y-y-you and I

have been very close.

As close as only two lonely man can be.

And, and, uh, I..

Well, you-you know more about me personally

than any person on the faculty, and, uh..

...I don't want you to take advantage of that

you understand?

- Dr. Samuels-- - No, no, no. No.

That's not what I wanted to say.

I know why the kids like you.

You-you make it easy to-to

to say things that are hard.

Oh.

You're there for people

and I appreciate that.

Well, I'm just glad that

when this one-time-only situation came up

uh, I was able to bend

my really rigid rules

and, and help you out.

Just this once.

- Thank you. - Sure. You're welcome.

- Oh, one other thing. - What?

Do you mind if I take that pizza home with me?

Oh, be my guest. Uh, figure of speech.

Just a figure of speech.

- Ciao. - Bye-bye.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Alright. Let me get this straight.

You're selling us a $300 car

and you're just gonna give us a $210 rebate?

- Yeah. - What about the other 90 bucks?

- You owe us 90 bucks. - Why the sweet deal?

We just decided we really don't wanna own a car.

Yeah, Eric.

You know how girls are.

I don't trust them.

Watch this.

Girls, tell you what I'm gonna do.

You give us the rebate upfront.

- Minus the $90. - And then, we'll buy the car.

Deal.

- Here's the money. - Uh, okay.

Here's the title, the registration, the car keys

your timeshare partner schedule

and the bill from Satnick's garage.

- What bill? - Transmission.

Two hundred and ten dollars, see ya.

Yeah!

And what timeshare?

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