Original subtitles

[theme music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

- Morning. - Oh, Charlie! Charlie..

- I got a letter here for you. - Thanks!

It's from the Tanglewood

writer's workshop summer program.

Great!

You know, just holding this envelope

I can't help but think of all the great

great writers who've found inspiration there.

You know, I think of Hemingway

and I think of, of Dreiser and Thomas Wolfe.

I think of Lillian Hellman

and Katherine Ann Porter and I..

Do you ever think of just giving me my mail?

- Yes! - Thanks!

Welcome!

[instrumental music]

Hey, Dennis, I heard a great joke in biology.

How can you tell a boy chromosome

from a girl chromosome?

Look at their genes.

- Good morning, everyone. - 'Morning.'

(Charlie) Hey, Eric.

They want to meet you.

Mr. Moore, that's great! Thank you.

[bell ringing]

Okay, everybody. Ah!

Today we're gonna start by talking about

the Taft administration.

[laughs]

Uh, admittedly perhaps

not our most memorable president.

Nevertheless, William Howard Taft

elected in 1908, succeeded Roosevelt

and carried out many of his policies.

[laughs]

Arvid, uh..

...would you mind sharing that with the rest of the class?

Uh-uh, I'm sorry, Mr. Moore. I was just reading this letter.

Uh, listen to this joke.

"How can you tell a boy chromosome

"from a girl chromosome?

You look at their genes."

[chuckles]

Hey, come on, that's funny!

Arvid..

Oh, no! She's coming here!

- Who? - Nancy!

Nancy, who?

Nancy Mayer, she's Arvid's pen pal.

From California.

They met through the personal ad's

in the Junior "Menzo" magazine.

Arvid's been writing to her for six years

but they've never met.

Yeah, Arvid don't you think that's carrying safe sex

a little bit too far?

Well, she's going on a European cruise with her folks

she'll be in New York for a day until her boat sails

and she's coming to Fillmore to meet me.

T-tomorrow! Oh! Oh!

Look, Arvid, uh, any friend of yours is a friend of yours.

Now, she's free to sit in the class, okay?

[indistinct chatter]

Say, um..

Mr. Moore, uh, can I talk to you about a personal matter?

- Of course, after class. - I'll just sit down then.

[instrumental music]

So, Arvid, what's on your mind?

I'm desperate, Mr. Moore. It's Nancy.

- Mixed feelings? - 'Huh.'

Sure, I mean, it is anticipation

ecstasy and panic and nausea.

It-it's an emotional salad.

You don't wanna meet her?

Mr. Moore

look at her, she's beautiful!

And she wouldn't go for me in a million years.

Go for you?

I-I thought you were just pen pals?

Well, uh, we are, but I mean

now we're gonna meet and I don't know

if she's gonna like me.

But, Arvid, you're-you're already friends.

I mean, at this stage, looks are practically irrelevant.

I don't think so.

I sent her a picture too.

So, what's the problem?

It was a picture of Eric.

[chuckles] Sorry.

[instrumental music]

You sent her my picture?

Well, I got it from the yearbook!

Hey, it's a public domain.

Oh, c-come on, help me just this once.

All you have to do is be me for a few hours.

I have everything you need to know

about me right here in my locker.

Here's my, my baby album

my birth certificate

dental X-rays.

You keep this stuff in your locker?

It's finally paying off.

And here is my personal diary.

"September fourth, big day.

"Astronomy club party to celebrate Galileo's birthday.

"I brought the Milky Ways.

"Ate too many

"pigged out, got sick

was asked to leave."

Whoo, you really live on the edge

don't you there, Arvid?

I think I'll pass.

Eric, she's a terrific girl!

I've got all the terrific girls I can handle.

Here's a picture of Nancy on a beach at Malibu.

[sighs]

I guess one more couldn't hurt.

[instrumental music]

I just wanna thank everybody

for helping me get Eric ready.

- Sure. - No problem.

Oh, okay, look, simulated situation.

Uh, Darlene, would you go first?

Okay.

You're Arvid Engen.

You're meeting Nancy for the first time

what do you do?

- I kiss her! - No, Eric!

No, you're Arvid.

You blush, you hyperventilate

you throw up on her shoes.

Okay! She asks you about

the second law of thermodynamics.

What do you say?

I don't like it but as long as

it's on the books, I gotta obey it.

- Come on, Eric! - You can't be serious.

Okay, look, in a letter last October

you revealed your innermost secret

which was?

My bed has sides.

No!

I cried when they canceled "The Brady Bunch?"

[chuckles]

"Misfits of Science!"

Eric, listen, this can work!

Look, it's just like a presidential press conference.

If we do our job right

she'll have never guess you have no idea

what you're talkin' about.

- Yeah! - Yeah!

Look, Eric, you better get it together

this is no fun for us either, you know.

Trying to give you an instant personality transplant.

Hey, I'm trying, you think it's easy being boring?

(Dennis) 'Alright, come on now! You're Arvid, you're Arvid.'

You're not Eric, you're Arvid.

Now, your underwear's pressed

you need Novocain to get a haircut.

Come on now.

- 'You ready?' - 'Ready.'

Your mother's maiden name?

- Sheffield. - Yes!

- Favorite writer? - E.E. Cummings.

Uh-uh, Carl Sagan.

Shoe size?

- Uh, nine. - Nine what?

- Nine brown? - 'Oh.'

Recurring nightmare?

I'm in it now.

Eric, your favorite Jackson?

- Michael. - No!

- Janet? - No!

- Who? - T. Joe!

Why?

(all) Yeah, why?

Come on, you all know he's the sensitive one.

Arvid

why don't you just tell her the truth?

I can't.

[bell rings]

Oh. Okay, everybody.

The chapter on teapot dome scandal.

Uh, we're gonna have a little pop quiz!

Arvid, I'd like to speak to you in the hallway, please.

[sighs]

So..

...you're, uh, actually going to

go through with this charade?

Well, Mr. Moore, I have no choice.

I-I made my bed, now I have to lie in it.

I-I spilt my milk, now I have to cry over it.

You burned your bridge and now you have to cross it.

I made a pact with myself.

If I can just get through this one horrible sweat-filled day

I'll never lie again.

Hah, well you're in some fabulous company

Nixon, North, Pinocchio

or Cyrano de Bergerac.

Well, I know what I'm doing though.

Right now, I don't think you know who you are!

Hey, it all worked out for Cyrano de Bergerac, right?

Well, as a matter of fact

Cyrano lived a sad and lonely life

until eventually he was trampled to death

by a runaway team of horses.

Ooh!

[instrumental music]

So, the Harding administration gave us

the teapot dome scandal.

Which interestingly enough

gave us the expression

"The fall guy" or taking a fall

and this is because the Secretary of the interior

Albert Fall, took the blame for almost everyone.

[knock on door]

Mr. Moore, we have a visitor.

Uh, this is Nancy Mayer from Malibu.

She's here as a guest of Arvid's.

(Charlie) 'Welcome, Nancy.'

(Nancy) 'Thank you.'

Hi!

Hi!

That was fast!

Well, Nancy, I, I guess you'll wanna sit next to..

- Arvid! - Um, allow me.

Uh, Mr. Moore this is quite a memorable occasion

so if you don't mind, I-I'd like to give my pen pal

a real Arvid Engen welcome!

- 'Oh.' - 'Oh.'

[chuckles]

Uh! It seems to be working!

Okay, now, ca-can we get back to work?

Yes, let's.

So, all through history

from, hm, teapot dome to Iran-Contra

there have been political scandals

and fall guys.

Men, who for a variety of reasons

most of which were not very well thought out

chose to close their mouths

not say anything and suffer the consequences.

Excuse me, Mr. Moore.

Uh, Mr. Kurts called for Eric.

'He's coming by this afternoon.'

'Do you know anything about this?'

Yes, I do.

[chuckles] He's, he's from the, um

Tanglewood writer's workshop.

I submitted some of Eric's work

'and they're interested in him for their summer program.'

Very good! Try not to blow it, huh!

Oh, hey, no problem!

Who's this?

This is Nancy Mayer.

She's, uh, a friend of Arvid.

She's visiting us from California

and this is Dr. Samuels, our principal.

Really?

Then why is she sitting next to--

- Jawaharlal! - Yeah, Jawaharlal!

It's a very comfortable chair.

Oh.

The atomic weight of nitrogen?

My main man Arvid.

Uh, 14.0067.

Since when are you my main man?

You didn't get the memo?

Uh, w-why don't I explain this to you later, Dr. Samuels?

He said he was my main man.

He's not my main man!

[bell ringing]

Well, okay, we'll, uh, start with 1923 tomorrow.

Thanks a lot and, Nancy

it was nice meeting you, I hope you enjoy your visit here.

Thank you.

So, what do you wanna do now?

Whatever, uh, this is our free period on Fridays, um..

I know a place we can go and talk.

That'd be perfect.

Say, Arvid, don't you wanna introduce me to your friend?

No.

Why not?

Alright, Nancy, this is a friend, uh, Eric!

Oh, yeah, the writer!

Right! I write! Right.

- Hi! - Hi!

Well, uh, we better get goin'.

I don't wanna waste a minute here.

Hey, hey, how about the three of us

go out for a Slurpee?

Uh, on me!

Thank you, but I'd really like

to spend some time alone with Arvid.

Hm.

Well, looks like it's, uh

Slurpee for one, huh, Arvid?

Oh, what have I done?

She's only here for a little while

and I don't even get to see her.

Oh, no, that's not true.

You get to see her, she just doesn't get to see you.

But that is what you wanted.

No!

I don't know!

I-I-I, Mr. Moore, I can't tell her the truth, now!

She'll hate me for making a fool of her.

Do you have any ideas?

Huh, fresh out.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Look! Nancy, I've been goin' through a lot of changes lately.

Um..

For instance

I've quit playing the accordion.

You quit the accordion? Why?

Well, basically, I found I was more

popular at parties without it.

But, Arvid, you never cared about parties before.

I know, I know.

I've been lookin' at my life lately

and I realized that I'm a pretty boring, dull guy.

Some people might even call me a, nerd.

You? A nerd? Uh, no.

Hi, again!

Listen, Arvid, I thought I'd better warn ya.

My game wants to rumble.

Your what?

Uh, well, listen.

You stick with me, you'll be okay.

[chuckles] He's, he's such a kidder!

- Ah! - He doesn't look that tough.

Oh, well, these are my school clothes.

I don't like to get blood on them.

He is kidding?

Yeah.

Well, so sorry, I hate to break this up

but Mr. Kurts is here to see Eric.

He's waiting in the classroom.

He's here?

He's early. He's not supposed to be here till this afternoon.

Does this present a problem?

- Yes. - No!

Uh, I mean..

Who needs some phony writer's workshop?

Are you crazy?

Eric, you can't pass up an opportunity like this.

- Yeah. - Yes, I can.

Alright, look, we're gonna get somethin' clear right here.

No! don't, uh.. You guys are absolutely right.

- I'll talk to him. - Eric!

Don't worry, I'll-I'll handle it.

Ah, Eric's just not himself today, is he?

Hope he doesn't blow this interview.

Of course, it's none of my business.

'I just set up the interviews.'

After that, it's upto the student.

Whoever he may be.

You know, Eric, we, uh, very rarely take

high school students into our summer writer's workshop but, uh

I was very impressed with your work.

Uh, hey! I-It's a gift.

I saw a lot of, uh, Mailer and Kerouac in your work.

Uh, now, I assume that they were a big influence on you.

Oh, yeah, them too.

But, um, well, nothing like Lobachevsky.

Uh, correct me if I'm wrong

but, uh, isn't he a mathematician?

Hey, good writing's good writing.

[chuckles]

[exhales]

Arvid, is something wrong?

Yeah, look, I-I just remembered

my genetics experiment.

I, I gotta go rotate my fruit flies.

I'll be right back, okay?

So, what are you working on now?

Uh, it's a gritty urban piece.

About this relationship

between a young tough biker

and his orthodontist.

Eric, A-Arvid! W-What are you doing here?

Mr. Kurts, I'm Eric Mardian.

Um, and this is, uh

a very sick young man.

He has this habit of posing as other students.

Lucky I got here when I did.

Look, Arvid, the nurse is waiting for you down the hall.

- What nurse? - Nurse Mayer.

Nurse Nancy Mayer.

- Oh, that nurse. - Yeah.

Hi.

So, how'd your interview go, Eric?

Oh, fine. Piece of cake.

Good.

Arvid went to go rotate his fruit flies.

Oh.

Hey, it must be pretty excitin'

meeting a-a-a pen pal after so many letters.

Yeah, I've been looking forward to it for a long time.

Arvid's great.

But then you probably already know that

'cause you guys are good friends, right?

Hey, we're practically interchangeable.

Well, that's nice to hear.

Y-you must be pretty impressed.

I mean, you know, a lot of the girls in the school

would kill just to have lunch with him.

Uh, it's not what impresses me.

N-no?

What then?

[exhales] Well..

It's his writing.

He has a way of expressing himself that is just..

...that's very very special.

Well, um..

He thinks you're very special too.

Really? Does he talk about me?

A lot.

Oh, a guy who's that sweet and sensitive

and at the same time such a babe. I mean..

Well, you think he'd just be too busy

fighting off the girls to give me a second thought.

Well, I-I can tell you that he thinks about you all the time.

W-when I met him today

I mean..

'Well, he's not like he is in his letters.'

I can't explain it, but he's just..

Well, he's different.

How?

Well, in his letters..

[giggles] ...he's kinda like this weird little pixie.

[both chuckling]

But between the brilliant scientific observations

and the dorky jokes.

I can tell that he really likes me.

Oh, he more than likes you.

I-I know that he does.

He does?

'Cause-'cause it's hard to tell.

Well, that's because he's shy.

He can put things on paper, but he just can't say it.

If he had the guts, he would tell you

that he has palpitations

every time he gets a letter from you.

And-and how he saves every one.

And how when he got your photograph

and you were this, this glamorous beautiful woman

how it changed everything.

And h-how he said when you were coming here in person

h-he got very nervous because..

Because..

Because, he sent me

Eric's picture.

Well, I wouldn't put it that bluntly, but..

Yes.

So you're Arvid?

More-more or less.

How could you do that?

Why did you send me Eric's picture?

Did you think that after six years

all I would be interested in are looks?

And do you know what carrying on this stupid charade has cost us?

No.

Time that we could've spent together!

I came all the way to New York to be with my pen pal.

And he turned out to be a phony creep!

You made a fool out of me

in front of your whole class, Arvid!

Boy, I guess you're pretty mad, huh?

Let me put it this way.

Oh!

And if your gang is looking for a rumble

I'll be outside waiting for a taxi!

- Oh. - Arvid, you alright?

I'm okay.

I had a light lunch.

Well, what happened?

I told her everything.

Good.

And she belted me.

This, uh, sweet young thing, belted you?

Hey, I could've taken her, but she sucker punched me.

Arvid.

You were right, Mr. Moore. I, I-I blew it.

Well, she hates me now.

She, she won't, she won't even write me again.

She'll-she'll rip up my picture.

You mean, Eric's picture?

No, no, don't try to cheer me up.

Look, Arvid, I..

You had a perfectly good relationship

going with Nancy

based on who you really are didn't you?

Well, why don't you wait a couple of weeks

until she's come back from her vacation

and then try writing her again?

No cabs.

I have to call one.

Um..

Could, could I borrow some change?

Sure.

- It's on me. - Thanks.

Listen. I hear you, uh

you're pretty fast with your fists.

I lost my temper.

Think it's time that we, uh

sorted out some things here.

Uh, well..

I know who's who.

Well, If you don't mind

I'd like to sort out what's what.

I just thought that I would know him

after six years of letters.

Well, you do know him.

It's just that he forgot to be himself

for a little while.

[sighs]

Thank you.

Sure.

[chuckles]

Thanks.

Arvid.

Nancy.

Uh, listen, I..

I did something really stupid.

Really stupid.

But I-I..

If you're gonna let one stupid thing

get in the way of three hundred..

...very smart letters..

[laughs] Arvid.

Uh..

About hitting you..

No, no. Listen, I, I deserved it.

[sighs]

So, what do we do now?

We could start all over.

Hello, Arvid.

Hello, Nancy.

[laughing]

Oh, Arvid!

Hi, Nancy.

[laughing]

Oh, I've waited a long time to say that.

Mm, well, some things are worth waiting for.

Come here.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Mr. Moore, they accepted me.

- Yeah, you're in. - I'm in.

Yeah. Well, congratulations.

- You did it. - No, no, no.

You did it, thank you.

No, no, I did not write all that, you did.

I just stuck it under the notes.

So, come on, tell me what happened.

Alright.

Arvid, do you know what I've been

wanting to ask you?

What?

Well, would you do the pencil trick?

Oh!

Well, hey, I cou-I couldn't.

Please!

Well, okay!

- You see the pencil? - I see the pencil.

You're concentrating on the pencil.

Concentrating.

- That's gone! - Ah!

[giggles] Where'd it go?

Ta-da!

You really can do it.

H-hey, would I lie?

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[music continues]