Original subtitles

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

(Charlie) John L. Lewis..

...Walter Reuther, Jimmy Hoffa--

And the question is, name two labor leaders

and an underwater statue.

Thank you, great swami but there's a little more

to it than that, you see

before men like this organized labor unions

people could be asked to work incredible hours

under dangerous conditions for practically no pay.

[scoffs] Oh, sure, Mr. Moore, take the worker's side.

Alan, uh, labor unions can offer some benefits.

Okay, uh, say that there is an aspect of my job

that prevents me from doing my work.

An example of this might be--

Mr. Moore, this is really important.

I have an invitation for one of my lucky IHP students

to appear on television.

- What? - Why?

And the important part is the name of the show.

"Open Forum."

"Open Forum?" That's the Lawrence P. Whitley show.

- I love him! - 'Who doesn't?'

Intellectual, novelist, mountain climber.

The king of conservatism.

Fool, not only that, he's robust.

He's repetitive and redundant.

He says the same things over and over again

and again, and again, he keeps repeating himself

on and on, and on.

Thanks, anyway, Dr. Samuels, but if you don't mind

I'll wait for David Letterman to call.

I don't think you'll have to worry, Dennis.

You're right.

There's only one person in this class

who belongs on "Open Forum" with that right wing

crypto-fascist, plutocratic sleaze bag.

(all) Alan.

Thank you. Thank you, everyone.

I humbly accept the invitation.

Ah, but there is one little technicality.

'The "Open Forum" people have requested essays'

from each of you stating why you would like

to appear on the show.

Oh, but I thought that I was--

Alan, this is a democracy.

Everyone gets a chance.

Of course, when Whitley reads your essay

he'll think he's growing another right wing.

[laughs] Go, team!

Anybody else who wants one of these applications

come and get it.

- Nah. - No.

So nobody else is gonna apply?

Uh, you heard Dr. Samuels. It's a, it's a pointless exercise.

Mm. Yes, Alan's got it all sewn up.

- Yeah. - I'm pleased.

At least your greed didn't drive you to try to get the $400.

- Four hundred bucks! - I'll take it.

[all clamoring]

[instrumental music]

[yawns]

- Good morning. - Good morning, Charlie.

You wanna try that again with a little more conviction?

I'm sorry, I'm a little worn out

from going to classes every night.

Well, think of the professional advantages

of having a doctorate in teenage psychology.

- Hm. - I mean, I envy you.

You'll be Dr. Meara. That'll drive Dr. Samuels crazy.

Yeah. Well, he'll probably change his title to Emperor.

- Well, has the mail come yet? - I'm just sorting it now.

Well, don't sort. Look!

Well, well.

"'Open Forum,' Lawrence P. Whitley."

Oh, don't you stand there. Rip the thing open.

[bell rings]

Well, better go to class.

Uh.. Well, I'll tell you what.

Why don't we share it with the class, hm?

[indistinct chatter]

- Good morning, everybody. - Good morning, sir.

- 'How are ya?' - Morning. How are ya?

You all know Dr. Samuels, of course.

- 'Yes.' - Will you get to it?

[chuckles] Oh, yeah.

I tell you what. Dr. Samuels, be my guest.

This is a letter he's very curious about.

I'm gonna let him open it.

[grunts] Class

I hold in my hand the envelope..

...with the name of the student who will appear on "Open Forum."

Whoever he..

...or he..

...maybe and the winner is..

[grunts]

[sighs]

Dennis?

What do you want?

They picked Blunden.

[indistinct chatter]

(Alan) 'Uh, uh, tell me it's a mistake, please.'

Huh. "Selected to appear, Dennis Blunden.

First alternate, Alan Pinkard."

Oh, hey, they're right.

After Dennis, Alan is the funniest.

- Congratulations, Dennis. - Thank you.

Whitley picked Dennis? That joker. That buffoon!

I prefer to think of myself as a comedic engineer.

I'll check on this.

Well, I think we should congratulate our winner

and our alternate.

- Alternate? - Mm-hm.

[scoffs] That means nothing. It's like vice president.

Right.

Alan, you can't win more.

Mr.-Mr. Moore, this is insane.

I worked ten hours on my application.

I defended Reaganomics, nuclear arms

and I even came out in favor of acid rain.

Now, Dennis, what could you have possibly written to top that?

Yeah, Dennis, I'd be curious to hear this, too.

- What was it? - Uh, let's all hear it.

Uh, do you mind reading it loud, Dennis?

Sure.

[mumbles] It's not that big a deal.

"Dear Mr. Whitley

"if warmth and human compassion were strength

"you wouldn't have enough to tie your shoes.

"Your every appearance is living proof that the phrase

"conservative thinker is an oxymoron.

"I find more political interest in one episode

"of the new "Leave It To Beaver" and..

"...I wouldn't be on your stupid show

"for 1500 double cheeseburger whoppers.

Respectlessly yours, Dennis Blunden."

Bite?

That got him on the show? This is crazy.

No. It's obvious.

Alan, uh... Whitley's show is about confrontation.

I mean, you agreed with everything

that the man has ever said.

Naturally, he wants Dennis on the show.

No, we cannot let Dennis represent the IHP on television.

Hey, senator, listen up.

I wasn't pulling Whitley's chain.

I don't wanna be on this stupid show.

Oh, that's a relief.

A-a relief? What is that supposed to mean?

Well, you know how you are, Dennis, I mean

I don't wanna sound, like, negative or anything

but you're a jerk.

- What? - 'Yeah, Dennis.'

You'd try to be funny and you'd end up

embarrassing the entire IHP.

- That's true. - Yeah.

You'd probably show up in a chicken suit.

Or have Chinese food delivered right on the show.

Oh, yeah, remember, like the time you accepted

the Junior Astronomy Award in a Darth Vader mask.

Well, maybe the show does need a little lightening up.

Mr. Moore, we are not talking about lightenin' up.

We're talkin' about humiliation.

Dennis can't be serious.

All we'd be getting is a loose cannon

that would sink the reputation of this class.

- 'He's right.' - Oh, wait a minute, Alan--

No, that's okay, Mr. Moore. They're right.

They're right. I'm crazy.

I've been given a golden opportunity

to pull some classic stunts on Whitley

and I was thinkin' of not goin'.

- Look, Dennis-- - No, thank you.

Thank all of you.

The chosen one will appear on TV!

Mr. Moore, you can't let him do that.

Mr. Moore, here is a deeply troubled young man

who desperately needs some help from you.

Well, that's what teachers are for.

- Tell him. - Uh, Mr. Moore.

Why is it that bad things happen to good people?

Or in Dennis' case, why do good things

happen to despicable people?

We've got to keep Dennis from appearing on the show.

Now you go talk to him, you hear me?

Misfit, the misfit.

Look, they-they picked Dennis.

For whatever reason, they liked his application.

- 'Oh.' - They chose him.

Now I happen to think that a battle of wits

between Dennis and Whitley could be interesting.

It's not gonna be a battle of wits.

It's going to be a wit against a halfwit.

Now I'll tell you exactly how he's going to do it.

He'll start off by telling a joke.

[laughs]

[laughing]

So then, Admiral Poindexter says

"The answer is two of us.

"One of us to screw in the lightbulb

and the other one to deny it."

[laughing]

I am at a loss, sir

to ascertain the purpose of this facetiousness.

Well, so am I.

But then who cares?

It's not like anybody actually watches

your show anyway, huh?

[laughing]

Excuse me, won't you?

Oh! There was supposed to be mustard here.

I ordered mustard. Am I right?

Didn't I order mustard, huh?

What is the reason for this behavior, sir?

Boredom, Larry, sheer boredom. I think that's the reason.

You know, at least Oprah Winfrey deals with real issues.

[imitating Oprah] Hi, I'm Oprah Winfrey.

Today's subject, men who wear animal suits

and the women who love them.

[laughing]

- Enough, enough. - Whoo!

Who is responsible

for this living, educational malfunction?

Charlie Moore.

Do you want that on your head?

Stop worrying, Dr. Samuels. Dennis is gonna be terrific.

Excuse me, Mr. Moore.

I need your opinion about the show.

- Sure. What do you need? - What do you think?

- With or without the tie? - Uh, uh, without.

Yeah, I think you're right.

Besides it'd clash with my hat.

Uh, Dennis, hold on. You're in luck.

During lunch hour, I found..

[chuckles] "...1001 Tasteless Jokes For Any Occasion."

- Could come in handy, huh? - Thanks, Mr. Moore.

Mr. Moore, you're helping him.

It's what teachers are for.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

- Here it is. - Dennis!

- Okay. - Here it is.

We are laying it on the line.

If you promise not to go in "Open Forum"

we will, one, do all your homework

in our various areas of expertise

from now until the end of the school year.

Two, any financial obligations you have with us

on an individual or collective basis are hereby forgiven.

Three, no more derogatory remarks

about your glandular condition.

- Come again? - No more fat jokes.

[laughs] Sounds real tempting, girls. But sorry.

Go on, go on, go on. Ping, pang!

Hey, hey, hey, you got it?

- Is it beautiful or what? - Whoo! Perfect.

Now listen, you gotta hurry up

'cause my cousin's waiting outside for me--

Don't worry, this isn't gonna take long.

I'm just gonna go in there for..

- Hi, Mr. Moore. - Hi, guys.

- How are you? - See you. Good to see you.

(Bernadette) 'Come on. Again. Breathe in, breathe out.'

'Breathe in, breathe out. Isn't it better?'

- 'Um.' - 'Come on, once again.'

In, out. Keep it going. Keep..

Dr. Samuels is experiencing a little anxiety.

Over Dennis appearing on "Open Forum," huh?

It's the end of that small pocket of civilization

I call the IHP.

Mr. Moore, they'll it take away from me.

- Dr. Samuels. - Dr. Samuels!

Dennis' behavior is normal for the mid adolescent years.

Uh, teenagers assert their individuality

by acting in ways that are most at odds

with the expectations of authority.

Thank you, Miss Meara.

It helps so much to know that Dennis

is supposed to be a jackass.

Dr. Samuels, did you ever think

that the Blunden you see is not the Blunden you see?

Mr. Moore, your lights are on, but no one's home.

Dr. Samuels, meet Dr. Samuels.

- Huh? - 'I named him after you, sir.'

I thought I'd take him on the show to argue

against Whitley's Latin American policies.

He's from there, you know.

- Dr. Samuels? - Dr. Samuels?

- Shut up. - Shut up.

- Get out! - Get out.

- Get out of my office! - Get out of my office.

Come on, Dr. Samuels.

Let's go learn our jokes for Mr. Whitley.

- Mr. Whitley. - Dennis, nice bet.

- I'm impressed. - Stop encouraging him!

My God, I feel like I'm trapped in a horror movie.

Charlie, I think that you're upsetting the patient.

- Uh, give me the bag. - Thank you. Come on.

- Give me the bag. - Breathe in, breathe out.

Breathe in, breathe out. Cool it.

Hey, Dennis, uh, you got a minute?

- Sure. - Yeah, I was just curious..

About what else you had cooked up for the show.

You're really interested?

Nobody likes a good joke better than I do.

Okay.

I thought I'd start with, uh, knock, knock.

- Who's there? - Omani.

Omani who?

How many missiles did Reagan sell the Omani?

- Ha! - Pa-dum pum.

Then we do foreign affairs.

When I'm old enough, I hope to have one.

- Whoo. - But I wanna tell ya.

No, seriously.

Okay, if he starts in on "Star Wars"

I counter him with a slightly more traditional weapon.

The old pie in the face. What do you think of that?

[chuckles] I love it.

You're sure? I mean, I don't wanna overdo it.

This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

Oh, you're right.

- Mr. Moore, what's the catch? - There's no catch.

[scoffs] It is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

If you wanna use it to hit Whitley in the face

with a pie, uh, I'm all for it.

I think if I had the opportunity though

I'd, I'd wanna leave him standing there

with a little reason and logic dripping off his face.

And you're subtly suggesting I try do that?

Not at all. I think you should do what you want to do.

Okay, okay, let's just say for laughs

I decide to take Whitley on. What am I gonna say?

What would you say to get through to a guy like that?

- Me? - Yeah.

Well, I'd probably start out by outlining some..

But, uh, Mr. Moore

surely among our rights is the right to fail.

'In a free society, there are winners and losers.'

Businesses go bankrupt every day.

Should we shed tears?

Now they don't go bankrupt

if they're Chrysler or the Continental Bank.

Who bails out the little men?

Government protection for all, Mr. Moore.

Well, if not protection

at least a level playing field.

I mean, individual freedom is freedom of opportunity.

- Is it not? - Well, I suppose so.

So, therefore, society is responsible

for guaranteeing each of its citizens

'an equal opportunity'

to be self-supporting and to live with dignity.

Yes. I think you're right.

The changes that you propose

would benefit all people.

- I think you see my point. - I do, darn it, I do.

Mr. Moore, never in the 20 years that this program

has been on the air has the liberal viewpoint

been explained so succinctly yet eloquently.

How could I have been so blind?

So, I can now at last see

that liberalism may..

Nay, let me go so far as to say

does have a profound

and unequivocal value.

Because of what you have said here today

I feel compelled to re-evaluate

all the thinking of my entire career.

Mr. Charlie Moore, I surrender.

- May I shake your hand? - Oh, yeah.

[instrumental music]

- So I think it could be done. - Okay.

Um, I-I'm not suggesting

that you do anything other than what you want to do.

Why not?

Why aren't you tryin' to stop me like everybody else?

Well, let's just say I'm the only one with a sense of humor.

Or maybe you're just trying the old psychological trick

where you keep agreeing with me till I come to my senses. Mm-hm?

I'm a little too smart for that, Mr. Moore.

Dennis, I'm agreeing with you because I know you're smart

and because I think you know exactly what you're doing.

- You do? - Mm-hm.

I think it's about time we let the class know.

[sighs]

Mr. Moore, you can't let him do that.

There's no way you can let him on the show.

Okay, okay, everybody, just relax.

Okay?

I'm gonna tell you a little story.

"Weezer, The Early Years?"

Yeah, well, I was a senior in high school

and, uh, I grew..

...a really ugly beard, okay?

Not a single day went by when someone didn't say

"Charlie, shave off the beard."

I mean, my parents, my teachers, my friends.

Even my girlfriend.

One day I come to school and somebody says

"Charlie, the beard's gone. How come?"

I said, "Because yesterday nobody told me to shave."

- You got it? - Nuh-unh.

What I don't get is why you guys thought I was such a dope?

I mean, do you really think that I would waste

a golden opportunity to tell off a guy like Whitley

by pulling a bunch of childish pranks?

Well, what would you say, Dennis?

I don't know.

May-maybe I'd start off by telling him

that there's two and a half million gifted kids

in this country

a-and a lot of them end up dropping out of public schools

'cause they can't get into classes like ours.

'And why? 'Cause there's not enough money.'

'Or at least not for education.'

Maybe then I'd remind him of something Thomas Jefferson said.

That this country's greatness depends on an aristocracy

of achievement arising out of a democracy of opportunity.

Got it.

Dennis was acting like a clown

because we all expected him to act like one.

- Mm-hm. - Uh, Dennis, we, um..

I should have had more faith in you.

Sorry, old buddy.

- Sorry, Dennis. - Sorry, Dennis.

(Janice) 'We all are sorry.'

Dennis...Mr. Whitley is my personal hero.

I guess I was just a little jealous

when he picked you instead of me.

What I'm trying to say is, good luck to you on the show.

I'm sure you'll do a fine job

and I'm proud to have you represent the IHP on television.

Alan, I said I didn't wanna go on the show and I meant it.

I still don't. Alan, it's yours.

[sighs]

Dennis, that is the greatest, most unselfish thing

that anyone has ever done for me.

Well, I guess when it comes to judging people

we all learned something about making assumptions, huh?

And I've learned something special about faith.

- Which is? - Huh?

I-if you have faith and you hang in there

eventually you get what you want.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Well, at least everything worked out for the best.

Not what I expected.

All's well that ends well.

[music on TV]

Hello, I'm Lawrence P. Whitley

and this is "Open Forum."

Today, we're addressing the question

of what kind of educational programs

best serve high ability students?

With us today, Yolanda Stein of Brooklyn Tech

'Robert Wu of Oak Hills Academy'

'and Darlene Merriman of Fillmore High.'

Alan Pinkard originally scheduled to represent

Fillmore's individualized honors program

will not be appearing today

due to an unpropitious attack

of, um, measles.

I have never had the misfortune of acquiring that malady

and I would prefer to maintain the status quo.

He mentioned my name.

How can you not love this guy?

[theme music]

[music continues]