Original subtitles

[theme music]

(Dennis) 'Come on.'

[sighs] 'Come on, let's go!'

Come on.

[laughs] There it is!

- There what is? - Eddie Murphy's phone number.

What? How'd you do that?

I'm watching "Saturday Night Live" the other night.

I figured they got computers, right?

Computers? Phone numbers? I broke in.

But you can't do that. It's not allowed.

Are you kidding? Come on, Eddie will love this.

Uh, yes, I'd like to speak to Eddie M..

Eddie Murphy?

[laughs]

Yeah, it's Dennis Blunden, your main fan.

How are you doin'?

Oh, um, I was at the Hard Rock Cafe the other night

and, uh, Dan Aykroyd gave me your number.

Uh, he's in Paris?

Uh, yeah, well, that's why I called you.

There's a guy who looks just like Dan Aykroyd

going around givin' out your phone number to people

and I thought..

Hello?

[sighs] I got Eddie Murphy.

- Wow. - Name anybody. I can call them.

- Uh, uh, Dan Aykroyd. - Why Dan Aykroyd?

We gotta tell him about the imposter.

Oh, yeah.

[laughs]

[bell rings]

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.

I give you a man

whose commitment to education is secondary

only to his love of announcements.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Gang, I have an announcement.

A psychologist is testing all IHP classes

in the New York City school system

and you're next.

Of course, I expect you to make the rest of them

look like a bunch of garbanzo beans.

Dr. Samuels, a psychological test is not a contest.

No, of course not. It's for research only.

- We don't have the time. - Yeah, we-we don't have it.

- 'Exactly.' - 'That's right.'

Sir, you're my immediate superior.

If you say take the test, I'd take the test.

- Oh, sit down, Alan. - Alan.

Well, there you have it, Dr. Samuels.

It's nine against one.

I think that's democracy in action.

Fortunately, democracy has nothing to do with education.

You will all take the test tomorrow.

Remember, it's a psychological profile test.

I will wanna see the scores of well-adjusted, happy

socially adept personalities.

- You got that? - Yeah, sure.

I can't hear you!

(all) Yes, Dr. Samuels.

Sorry, I had to get ugly.

[indistinct chatter]

What is the big deal?

I thought you were test junkies.

Yes, usually tests that get you into college or a job.

Uh-huh. Why waste all this time on a personality inventory?

[indistinct chatter]

Yeah, I know what my personality profile is.

I took a test in "Cosmo."

Turns out I'm easily manipulated

and the kind of person men just walk all over.

"Cosmo?" Y-you don't take a personality test in "Cosmo."

- I know. - You take it in the "Enquirer."

Yeah, how you tie your shoelaces reveals your personality.

Okay, I give up. How do you tie your shoelaces?

- Ooh. - 'Oh.'

Uh, well, why don't we talk about the real reason?

What are you afraid of?

Well, I guess it's just that people have always

looked at us like we're freaks or something.

- 'Mm-hmm.' - Yeah, you know, oddballs.

Weirdoes, dweebs, nerds, gummies.

Well, first of all, uh, you're exceptional.

You're not freaks.

At the very worst, you're mildly eccentric.

But I see nothing wrong with taking a test

that gives you some insight into your own personality.

[sighs] Maybe he's right.

It says on the Temple of Apollo at Delphi

Gnothi seauton.

- What? - What does that mean?

That's Greek for know yourself.

- 'Oh.' - Exactly.

Well, you know, it's also written

that ignorance is bliss.

- Where? - I don't know.

Look..

...the more we know about ourselves

the better equipped we are to deal

with the rest of the world, right?

- Sure. - Right.

So relax. Just take the test.

Morning. Oh, uh, Charlie Moore, this is Dr. Beth Westin.

She's gonna be testing your IHP class.

Hi. Beth Westin?

Please, no motel jokes.

Oh, yeah, I understand.

I have a friend named Tower Johnson.

Now after you complete the written portion

the individual interviews will begin.

The most important thing to remember is that

there are no right or wrong answers.

They all come down to your own perception and choice.

- Yes? - So what's passing?

This isn't a pass-fail situation.

Then you'll be using A, B, C?

You're missing the point.

These tests are to be measured only against those

of other students with your capabilities.

So we're being graded on a curve, right?

I'm trying to tell you--

Uh, Dr. Westin, if I may?

- Be my guest. - Okay, everybody.

It's showtime.

Eyes on the textbooks.

Pencils in hand.

Deep breaths.

Ready? Begin.

Okay, Maria, this portion of the test

is the oral personal profile.

Fine.

Are you nervous about something?

- No, why do you ask? - You're twisting your hair.

Well, this is just an old habit. I could stop anytime I want.

It's not like I have to do this or anything

or some neurotic behavior.

I mean, do you want me to stop?

- Yes. - You're kidding?

I guess I was about three when I discovered

my aptitude for perfection.

Not that I don't have flaws, you just can't see them.

Well, I'm really a, a passive person.

I abhor violence.

I love delicate poetry.

Poignant moments in life.

I cry easily.

Well, of course, you can tell I'm oversensitive.

Okay, what does this ink blot remind you of?

A dead puppy.

Okay, Eric, what's your favorite color?

- Red. - Red?

- Really, why red? - Okay, blue.

Okay, Sarah, what do these three playing cards mean to you?

Let me see. A jack, a three and a deuce.

That makes 15. Hit me with the little one.

Dennis, what is your earliest childhood memory?

I don't remember anything.

Okay, why don't you tell me about an unusual dream?

I don't dream.

Okay, what's missing from this picture?

Nothing.

Are you nervous about something?

I don't get nervous.

Are you afraid you're going to reveal something about yourself?

[chuckles]

Yes.

Yellow.

These various geometric shapes fit somewhere into the puzzle.

You have three minutes.

Begin.

Would you like to see it again?

This is called the TAT.

Oh, the Thematic Apperception Test?

Ambiguous stimuli, where you invent a story

based on a picture and I tell you what happened

before, during and after the picture.

How did you know that?

Lucky guess.

Suppose I start a story and then you take over.

Okay.

There was a young man named Steve

who more than anything else wanted to..

Tell a certain girl that he loved her.

And one afternoon

while they were walking through the park

he picked a flower and put it in her hair.

And as they were about to kiss, it suddenly began to rain.

Steve..

...turned into this bloodsucking one-eyed zombie

who terrorizes an entire class.

Steve placed a magic spell on them

which caused them to get younger as she got older.

I mean, he.

Even his parents..

...couldn't understand how their son

managed to win all 50 states

the Virgin Islands and Guan

in his first quest for the White House.

They would always think he was basically..

Superwoman.

That's what Steve was looking for.

He wanted..

...nuclear war.

And worse..

...leather pants making him a groovy dude

that his friends would like to hang out with.

He even tried to grow a mustache

so that he could look more like..

Laurie.

Well, she's the one who's always chasing

after...Steve.

She's hooked on him.

And-and Steve appreciates that because..

...well, shy men with low self-esteem

like women who are..

...inflatable

because they don't have a brain.

The Steves of the world want women to be helpless

on one hand and independent on the other.

It's confusing.

Why can't we just be ourselves?

Why can't we just be..

...pregnant

with ideas filled with creativity.

I mean, he wanted to write stories.

You know, stories that make people think and feel and..

...cough.

And with his dying breath

he whispered in her ear..

Could you lend me five bucks till tomorrow?

I didn't think so.

Television let people see McCarthy in action--

Excuse me, Mr. Moore. I came here to see Dr. Samuels

and I wanted to stop by and thank you all

for taking the time for my test.

You're welcome. When do we find out how we did?

That's confidential.

Oh, so you want us to call you at home?

I don't think you're getting this.

You don't see the results.

- Why not? - That's rather technical.

Are you telling us that we don't have the mental abilities

to comprehend our own test results?

I'll comprehend them for you and make my own interpretation.

Your interpretation? What about our interpretation?

- Yeah. - That's irrelevant.

[clamoring]

Listen, I bet just this once

you could bend the rules a little.

I mean, we're not gonna tell anybody, are we?

- No. - No, we won't say anything.

Bend the rules? Don't make me laugh.

No one sees this but my computer at NYU.

Well, I, uh, have a horrible ride on the subway coming up.

I might as well get it over with. Goodbye.

Mr. Moore, can you think of any reason

why we shouldn't know the results?

- Yeah. - 'Yeah.'

- Not really. - I can.

The stuff she found out about us is too frightening.

Yeah, you know, that meeting with Dr. Samuels

was probably about us.

- Yeah. - It could be about us.

W-why don't I have a little talk with her, okay?

Dr. Westin, I understand your rules

or at least the reasons behind them.

But I think in this case, you could make an exception

and just let them in on it.

Look, th-they have a lot of anxiety about being strange

and it would help if they knew they were fine.

They're fine.

Well, you see, with these kids, uh

you have to be a little more specific.

They're fine.

Relax, guys.

She said the magic words.

NYU and computer.

Hey, you know, he can do it.

I can get it, but you gotta be cool.

Don't say anything.

[indistinct chatter]

Shh, shh.

Great news. Everyone's fine.

[indistinct chatter]

It's fine? W-what's going on?

N-nothing. We're just relieved, that's all.

- Oh, yeah. - Fine.

Great. Fine.

[indistinct chatter]

- This better be good, Dennis. - Good?

To get us here half hour early, it better be fantastic.

[bleep]

Bingo! Ladies and gentlemen

I present to you Dr. Westin's files.

- Oh, my. - Dennis, you are amazing.

- I'll take amazing. - There it is.

"Westin Beth, panic test, Tuesday."

Look, the whole class.

- Yeah. - 'Whoo!'

B-but there's no names. Just numbers.

It's alright, we can figure it out.

'Okay, "subject 324.'

"Displays signs of neurotic anxieties.

"Unusually fearful.

Most likely prone to fits of depression."

- Who could that be? - Maria.

Oh, sure, you guys. Guess me.

Whoa, whoa, listen to this one.

"Subject 331.

"Represses anger, full of hostility

"and capable of striking out

in an unprovoked adolescent manner."

- Who's that? - This is horrible.

I mean, what if we're all crazy

but we don't know who's got what?

Here, listen to this one.

"Feelings of inadequacy.

"Problems with individualization.

"Minimal self-esteem.

Unfulfilled fantasy life."

What's wrong with that?

Oh.

Wait, there's a little voice

inside my head saying this isn't possible.

I mean, everyone in the whole class can't be insane.

A little voice? Like the Son of Sam?

We're in trouble.

[bell rings]

Good morning, everybody. As soon as you take your seats

'we'll pick up where we left off yesterday'

with World War II.

I think you are gonna love today's lesson.

As, uh, strange as it sounds, this is a true story.

Seems that early on, American psychologists..

'...discovered that Adolf Hitler'

'was borderline psychotic'

'with severe sexual problems.'

'So the CIA, which was then called the OSS'

'wanted to drop tons of pornographic material'

'on the Nazi headquarters'

'in hopes their Fuhrer would freak out'

and the war would be over.

But the Air Force refused to do this

saying war is dirty, but it's not that dirty.

Any thoughts, comments?

Okay, what's wrong?

Oh, nothing, except that I found out

I'm nervous, anxious, fearful

and the winner of the most likely to be

manic depressed award.

Don't complain.

That's not as bad as being a paranoid schizophrenic

with a passive-aggressive personality division.

What are the two of you talking about?

The secret is out.

Well, we're beyond eccentric

and into the valley of the rubber rooms.

- 'Yeah.' - Yeah.

This is, uh, angst over these tests?

- Mm-hmm. - Well, computers don't lie.

- Arvid. - 'Shh.'

Did you hack into Dr. Westin's computer files?

I cannot tell a lie. No.

(all) Dennis!

Apparently, I can. Yes, I did it.

I realized it was wrong, but come on.

It's our mental health we're talking about here.

Yeah, now we know why she didn't tell us.

- Uh, this is absurd. - 'For you, maybe.'

They're not about to take away your shoelaces.

Well, I-I-I think you are overreacting

to whatever it is you may have found.

Overreacting?

There isn't one mental illness you can name

that someone in this class doesn't have.

Okay, so you're a little different.

I mean, psychologists put labels on people.

You take me. You think I'm crazy?

(all) No.

Okay, well, I am unconventional

I'm creative, I, I'm a theater director

and I'm an actor and I'm a history teacher.

But that sounds like multiple personalities to me.

See, if I were to take one of these tests

and I didn't come out a little daffy

I think I would be worried.

- That's a great idea. - 'Uh-huh.'

- What? - You taking the test.

- Now, I don't-- - Yes, Mr. Moore.

Mr. Moore, it's the perfect solution.

If, if Mr. Moore takes the test

and it shows that he's cuckoo, we know we're fine.

- 'Yes. Why don't you take it?' - He's right.

Listen, I don't think it's a good idea for me to--

Why wouldn't it be a good idea? We took the test.

- Please take this test. - Oh, come on, Mr. Moore.

(Maria) 'Mr. Moore, we took the test.'

'Why can't you take it?'

'It's only fair.'

A fly.

A fly.

Fly.

Screen door.

- Why a screen door? - Too many flies in here.

Mr. Moore, I came in here early for this.

Yes, I know and I appreciate it.

- Wanna start again? - Please.

Fly.

- White. - Chalk.

- Door. - Open.

- 'Mother.' - Teresa.

My mother's name is Teresa. Really.

Okay, Charlie. I'm gonna start a story and you take over.

Like improvisation? Great.

- I love it. I'm good at it. - Okay.

There was a young man named Steve

who more than anything else wanted to..

Steve, right?

Just kidding.

Uh, more than anything else

Steve wanted to feel secure in the world.

Steve was a, was a very bright student in high school.

He was in a class for the gifted.

But he felt different.

Words like geek and nerd

schnoid had been thrown on his face for so long.

Naturally, he was a little nervous

when he was asked to take a psychological test.

- Steve? - 'Steve.'

Anyway, Steve is, is very anxious

to share this newfound insight into his personality.

But it's denied him

by a rather rigid authority figure.

'And so he feels betrayed.'

So much so that he, he broke

into the authority figure's computer files.

He broke into the computer?

Well, this is just a story.

Oh, yeah.

What he finds in the computer, ah, really alarms him.

Because it wasn't explained to him.

It's a common overreaction.

A-are you always this clinical?

- I'm just stating a fact. - Oh, forget facts.

I mean, you could say something human.

Look, it really isn't that hard.

I mean, if you wanted to make 11 instant friends.

Y-you're aware of how I've done on this test so far, right?

Mm-hm.

I think my class would be very reassured

to know that my psychological profile

is just as bizarre as theirs

and that they have nothing to fear.

I really enjoyed giving Mr. Moore his battery of tests

just as I enjoyed yours.

How did he do?

Yeah. Are his screws loose or tight?

The subject Charlie Moore

while evidencing

certain passive-aggressive defensive structures

'and histrionic traits--'

That's a relief.

He's just as batty as the rest of us.

- 'Yeah.' - A relief?

Everyone in this class is mentally disturbed.

- You call that good news? - 'Wait, wait, wait.'

You, uh, you didn't let me finish.

Um, he is also a well-adjusted

emotionally stable, mature individual

with strong positive socialization.

Just like the rest of you.

Normal? Like the rest of us?

What about terms like paranoid, neurotic and repressive?

- Uh.. - Yeah.

Dr. Westin explained to me that

buzzwords like this show up in every profile.

I mean, guilt, hostility

mania, phobia, regression.

For example, the test doesn't show

if you're paranoid.

It indicates your level of paranoia

'and everybody has some.'

But the bottom line is here, you're all nice, normal

reasonably well-adjusted teenagers

with a few interesting quirks.

And a reasonably well-adjusted, pleasantly weird teacher..

...who along with your help

taught me something very important.

I should have been more sympathetic to your anxieties.

I'm supposed to be in the business of relieving anxieties

not spreading 'em.

If it's alright with everyone else

I would like to apologize for us breaking into your computer.

It was wrong, unethical, and even against the law.

But it just seemed like a neat idea.

Apology accepted.

I wasn't too surprised.

I knew you all had latent criminal tendencies.

- We do? - What?

She's just kidding.

Right. I'm trying to relate here.

Mr. Moore, it's been a pleasure.

Thank you, Dr. Westin.

- Bye. - 'Bye-bye.'

Oh, Mr. Moore, incidentally, I tested Dr. Samuels.

- And? - Oh, boy.

Well, that's settled. Let's get back to work.

Okay.

What's the matter, Maria?

Well, I don't know. I mean, before I was afraid

I was a neurotic psychotic with paranoia.

And now I'm just ordinary.

- It's like-- - Boring.

Yeah, to tell you the truth, uh, I feel a little disappointed.

I always liked to think that I was something

more than pleasantly weird.

It's depressing.

It is kind of depressing. Yeah.

Wait a minute. Depression.

It's not ordinary to be depressed, right?

That's interesting.

Well, yeah. I mean, everyone in a room depressed.

- That's kind of unusual. - Uh-huh.

Well, you do have to be a little bit crazy

to get depressed about not being crazy.

You know something, Mr. Moore?

- We're gonna be okay? - Yeah.

I think you are. I know I am.

Help me, mommy.

[theme music]