Original subtitles

[theme music]

[knock on door]

Come in.

You wanted to see me, Dr. Samuels?

Yes, Janice. Please have a seat.

Thanks.

Janice, I want you to think of me

as more than your principal and your academic coach.

I want you to think of me as a friend.

Can I call you Harold?

No, no, no, no.

But I want to have a little talk.

Just the two of us alone.

- That sounds pleasant. - We are alone, aren't we?

Oh. My parents called you.

Yeah. They said you were being followed by a ghost.

- I'm not. - Good.

[chuckles] Because I was worried about you.

- It's a poltergeist. - Huh.

You know, the kind of ghost that smashes things.

Yeah, your parents told me about the smashing.

They're both psychiatrists.

They don't know how to relate to paranormal phenomena

like the rest of us.

Right, right, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But, but, Janice, just between the two of us

we both know there's no such thing as poltergeist, right?

Well, you and I know that.

Unfortunately, he doesn't think so.

You mean he's here?

Well, I can't exactly see him.

I can only feel his presence.

[laughing]

You almost got me.

[bell rings] Oh, excuse me, sir

but we're gonna be late for class.

You're going to be late for class.

Right, I'm gonna be late for class.

He's just a visitor.

[sighs]

Honey on my pencils!

- Miss Meara. - Yeah.

Dennis Blunden been around here this morning?

No, no, I haven't seen him anywhere.

Argh!

[screams]

- Sorry? - That's alright, Dennis.

I hear, uh, Dr. Samuels was looking for me?

- Is he in? - No, no, he just went--

I gotta go. I gotta go.

So we could sum up

what World War II taught Americans about isolationism

with the words of John Dunn.

"No man is an island."

With the possible exception of Dennis.

Okay, uh, with the few remaining moments

we have left, let's preview tomorrow.

Canada.

I'm gonna hear the cliches.

Ah, our neighbors to the north.

The world's longest friendly border.

A-a common language, a common purpose.

A prime minister who believed in ghosts.

- What? - Ghosts?

(Dennis) 'I read ahead. Sorry.'

Uh, William Lyon Mackenzie King.

- Right, Mr. Moore? - Well, it's true.

Uh, Mackenzie King used to sit on a park bench in Ottawa

and have long conversations with his mother

before he made major political decisions.

Oh, that's sweet. Was she helpful?

Well, it's not very likely.

She'd been dead for several years.

Come on, Mr. Moore, a public figure

dumb enough to believe that stuff?

Well, I don't believe it and you don't believe it

but there have always been

many otherwise brilliant people who did.

Arthur Conan Doyle, William Butler Yeats--

And how about..

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe...Janice?

I don't know how you found out, Dennis, but it's true.

I have a poltergeist.

[laughs] A poltergeist?

That's right, a poltergeist.

And he won't be too happy about you laughing at him.

- 'Oh, hard to believe you.' - Oh.

It was bound to happen.

That giant brain and that little head

something had to give.

Janice, you mean a poltergeist like in the movies

who smashes things and terrifies people.

Lowers real estate values.

Don't worry, Mr. Moore. He likes you.

I wish I could say the same for these glurbs.

You hear that, Mr. Moore? He likes you.

The brown-nose from beyond.

Come on, Janice.

Yeah, stop it, Janice. That's creepy.

Yeah, we better be careful or we'll get slimed.

Ooh.

I have a poltergeist

and if you get him angry enough, he'll come here and prove it.

- Come on, Janice! - Shh.

Quiet.

Can you hear him?

He's trying to communicate.

If you're very, very quiet, you can hear him.

[bell rings]

[indistinct chatter]

Janice, nice timing.

Well, they were makin' fun of my poltergeist.

I had to do something.

Uh, you're not really serious about this, are you?

I wish I weren't.

You will clean up every pencil, my doorknob, my telephone

and you will add six weeks to your detention.

Dr. Samuels, that puts me into my freshman year at college.

Oh.

- Goodnight. - Goodnight.

Mr. Moore, anything happen

with the little monster?

Dr. Samuels, Janice is a child

in Charlie's class.

I'm talking about her poltergeist!

We-we-we do know two things are true.

There's no such thing as poltergeist

and that small children do things like this sometimes.

Yeah, he's right.

I can't help thinkin' back to when I was a--

No kidding. Get out of here.

Listen, I love that kid.

You know, she's one in a million.

Now all of a sudden, she's two in a million.

We gotta do something to get her out of this.

I want you to take charge. She'll listen to you.

You-you saw "The Exorcist."

You want me to go one on one with the "Prince Of Darkness?"

And now Canada is our largest trading partner.

She sends us oil, lumber, minerals.

- And what do we send her? - Acid rain.

Draft dodgers.

- And worse. - Worse?

Mm-hmm. I think they also get

"Lifestyles Of The Rich And Famous."

Thank you, Eric.

Uh, Janice, help me out, okay?

Well, each of the different provinces has a different need

and they all have their own distinct identity.

Ontario is very industrialized.

[speaking in foreign language]

And our own Louisiana Cajuns

originated in French Canada

where they were called the Cadians.

Why is everyone lookin' at me like that?

You don't know?

We just had trouble

understanding a part of your answer.

He did it again.

That old poltergeist, huh?

Every now and then, he possesses me.

You guys, I wouldn't laugh if I were you.

I've seen stuff like this happen before.

I have an aunt who thought that she was possessed

by the ghost of her poodle and no one believed her

until she got stuck in the doggy door.

I'm telling you, he's real.

Janice, if your friend is real

would you, please, tell him not to interrupt

in the middle of class?

[bleep]

Hey, hey, guys, look at this.

'"I am here. I am real.'

'I am watching?"'

I don't like what's going on around here.

Now just relax, folks.

There's gonna be a logical explanation here.

Look, all we have to do is access the index menu

to see if there's a new program that correlates to the display.

- Yeah, right. - Yeah, try that.

You're wasting your time.

Well, we just access here.

Check its directory and..

There's no program.

Oh, well, like Mr. Moore said

there has got to be a logical explanation.

[screaming]

[clamoring]

He's back.

Janice, I'd like to see you after class.

[bell rings]

What's goin' on, Janice?

Nothin' much outside of being haunted.

Yeah, I can see that would keep you busy.

Mind my asking, uh..

[sighs]

...how long have you been haunted?

A few days.

How did it start?

Stuff began flying around my bedroom.

Your bedroom?

- Must have been pretty scary. - It was.

I mean, not "Texas Chainsaw" scary

but I've gotten used to it by now.

You see, I'm the medium

through which my poltergeist can face his unhappiness.

And what is he unhappy about?

- Life. I mean, well, things. - 'Hmm.'

Are you trying to show what happens

when somebody is very unhappy?

No, Mr. Moore, I'm fine.

But you have to face it.

I have a poltergeist and he's not going away.

Well, if I could prove that he didn't exist..

...well, would he go away then?

You can't do that. He's real.

And I think we're gonna be seeing a lot of him in class

for a long, long time.

- Bye. - Bye.

- I've got the explanation. - Okay, explain.

She calculated the density of the globe.

Then she sets up a high intensity sonic beam

creating a sympathetic vibration in the globe.

Shatters.

She wouldn't do something that obvious.

That's obvious? What's your idea?

She must have somehow put

platinum filament wires through it

and then activated them with a battery-controlled

electronic remote-controlled detonator.

Please, junior high school time.

Listen, guys, we'll never figure it out.

She's a genius.

Last week we were discussing the meaning of life.

She knew it.

It could be a miracle.

In India, we have seen things

for which there is no logical explanation.

Yeah? Like what?

Such as the Maharishi touring

as the opening act for The Beach Boys.

So what are we gonna watch, Mr. Moore?

Nova Scotia, Land Of Locks?

No, this is something else.

Oh, better watch out, Mr. Moore

or Janice will blow out your TV screen.

Mr. Moore, we still can't figure out how she's doing it.

How is no big deal.

Look, most paranormal stuff is just old-fashioned magic.

You know, psychic surgery is just a little slide of hand

with some chicken blood thrown in for effect.

'Uh, mind readers, faith healers'

they-they use accomplices called shills.

There are all kinds of tricks

with miniature wires and magnets.

I think Janice probably used something simpler.

- Simpler? - Yeah.

Uh, the map

probably set up and held with bubblegum or something.

- 'Oh.' - Okay, explain the globe.

- Yeah. - I don't know.

Uh, slingshot?

- Oh. - Slingshot?

Look, I'm not a rocket scientist like you guys.

But, uh, if I wanted to figure out what she was doing

I would probably watch her.

That's right. Nobody take their eyes off her.

Yeah, we have to catch her in the act.

We expose her, we humiliate her.

We hold her up to public ridicule--

- Dennis. - With sensitivity.

Look, the point is not how she did it.

It's why she's doing it.

[bell rings]

[indistinct chatter]

- Ho, ho, ho, ho. - Shh.

- Hi. - 'Hi.'

Okay. Uh, in my continued attempt to convince you

that Canada is more than hockey sticks and Eskimos

let's talk about Quebec

the second oldest city in North America.

That old?

Wow. Probably has a lot of ghosts.

Yeah, I'm sure Janice's little gargoyle

would like to hear about this.

Or did he not come to school today?

You're getting him angry.

- 'Oh, I'm scared.' - Ooh.

Can we go to work?

Quebec was founded by the French in 1620.

And it was captured from them by the British in 1759.

- You watchin' her? - Don't worry.

- I'm keepin' an eye on her. - Keep all four eyes on her.

(Mr. Moore) 'The, uh, most recent result of all this'

'is the secessionist movement called the separatists'

'made up mostly of French-speaking Canadians'

who want to end all connections with English-speaking Canada.

[screams]

[all clamoring]

[crash]

[shatters]

[shatters]

What, are you berserk? You could have killed us all!

I didn't do anything. It was him.

Oh, come on, Janice!

(Alan) 'Yeah, we-we know you did it.'

'Who saw her do it?'

[indistinct chatter]

Okay, enough, alright.

Listen, everyone, as long as you're all alright

I know you're very thirsty.

So with the exception of Janice

I'd like you to all grab a hall pass

go out, get a good long drink of water.

- Take about ten minutes. - Mr. Moore--

(Mr. Moore) 'Go, go.'

I told you he'd be back.

This wasn't my fault.

Well, uh, somebody, either you or your poltergeist

is gonna have to pay a lot of money for those windows.

You know ghosts. They have no conception of money.

Apparently, they have no conception of danger either.

'Somebody might have been hurt with all that flying glass.'

He's sorry.

Okay, that's somethin' I want you to see.

What is it?

Smile, you're on "Candid Camera."

Uh-oh.

[all clamoring]

[glass shatters]

How did you do that?

Pretty clever, Mr. Moore.

Well, I was inspired by a master.

So..

...what do you think?

I think I should call my lawyer.

You know, I know you must have been in here pretty early

to set up this strobe light

but what I can't figure out is how you made the lights go off?

I used a folded $5 bill.

Yes.

I gave it to Jawaharlal

and he turned off the lights.

But he didn't know I was gonna break the windows.

Mr. Moore, what are you gonna do?

Well, I think that's up to you, Janice.

Whatever you do, please don't tell my parents.

Please?

[sighs] Whatever is wrong

I can't help you unless you tell me.

I wanna hear about that unhappy poltergeist.

Well, that's me, of course.

Well, you see, my parents have been fighting a lot lately.

And a couple of nights ago, I was in bed

and I couldn't stand it anymore.

Mm-hmm.

So I took my lamp and I smashed it

against the wall.

And when my parents came running in

I couldn't tell them why I threw it.

Could I?

So you made up the poltergeist.

Yeah.

What do your folks think of this?

Well, they believe that I'm believing it.

And they've been so worried about me

they haven't any time to fight with each other.

And that's why you can't tell them, Mr. Moore.

I found a way to make them stay nice to each other

and I was gonna keep it at home, but Dennis told the class.

Yeah.

How long do you think you can keep this up?

Until I go away to college?

I realize that might be only a matter of days, but..

...I don't think it's your best plan, Janice.

Now, see, you're making

a difficult situation for yourself

and it's impossible for everyone else.

I'll tell you something about parents.

Now they, they do argue with one another sometimes.

I mean, even Freud and Jung argued.

I know.

That's one of the things my parents argue about.

Well, they're understanding people, Janice

and they love you.

You know, you could talk to 'em

and tell 'em how you feel about this.

Would you like an 11-year-old kid

interfering with your marital squabbles?

Well, you're not the average 11-year-old kid.

And you are a card-carrying member of your family.

So that gives you the right to tell your parents

that when they argue, it upsets you.

Okay, Mr. Moore.

- I'll give the truth a try. - Okay.

And no more poltergeist.

To tell you the truth, I'll kind of miss him.

Well, to tell you the truth, I won't.

Mr. Moore, can I ask you a favor?

'Sure.'

As far as the kids in the class

do we have to show them the tape?

What tape?

So while you were on your break

Janice and I performed a small exorcism

and I don't think we'll be seeing the poltergeist again.

- Good. - He's history.

But it's gonna take me a long time to forget him.

About a year's allowance for the windows

and maybe six months' detention.

You're a first offender. You'll be out in three.

I'm sorry I caused trouble in the class.

But I'm young and I do bizarre things I regret later.

Forget the apology. Give us the explanation.

- Yeah, Janice. How'd you do it? - How did you do it, Janice?

I can't remember.

Janice, you have a photographic memory.

So sue me.

Mr. Moore, can you tell us?

Well, I thought I'd figured all the answers out

but then I realized that there are some things

that perhaps shouldn't be explained.

- Right, Jawaharlal? - Yes.

Yes.

[sighs] Let me tell you how it is here on the rock, kid.

You see, you got two kinds of time.

You got your easy time and you got your hard time.

Hard time's when you and me don't get along.

Easy time's when you do exactly what I tell you to do.

So you start mopping

and I will supervise.

I don't think so, Dennis.

I think we both mop or you'll be sorry.

[shudders] I'm shaking all over.

Now just start mopping and make sure you use lots of soap.

[thud]

[theme music]