Original subtitles

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Well, hey, listen, here's my ad.

"Hi, my name is Arvid.

"If yours is too, write Arvid

PO Box 4-7-5-8-6-2 etc, etc.."

W-what do you think?

I think it's a lousy way to meet girls.

Well, what's wrong with trying

to meet other people named Arvid?

I've met one. Believe me, it's no big deal.

Okay, Blunden, this is an official locker search, open up!

Dr. Samuels, that is an invasion of my privacy.

Come on, come on. I have a graffiti vandal to bust.

I'm looking for spray cans.

I wouldn't do this if I were you.

Don't threaten me!

What's the combination?

Twenty-seven, right. Fourteen, left.

Dr. Samuels, would you listen to me for once

this is a big mistake.

The third number?

Five, right.

Hup. There's still time to call this off.

[clattering]

I had this completely organized.

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Good morning, history fans.

- Morning! - Good morning!

And congratulations, Darlene, on another

splendid edition of the "Fillmore Spartan."

[cheering]

Thanks! If you think that one was good

wait till you see the next one. The lampoon issue.

[laughs]

- Satire! - 'Yeah.'

Yes, we did one with my, uh, college paper

when I was at Idaho State.

Tried to find something to offend everyone.

Came up with a, uh, parody of "Life" magazine.

"Life in Idaho."

All the pages were blank.

[laughing]

Uh, yeah?

You had to be there.

That reminds me, for the lampoon issue

I'm gonna need contributions from everyone.

- Okay? - Okay.

And I have an announcement to make.

Sarah Nevins, constant contributor

peerless proof-reader and friend

has been appointed assistant editor

to take some of the load off

the overworked editor-in-chief, me.

That's great.

[bell rings]

Okay! And speaking of moving on.

Let's discuss Gerald Ford's "Pardon of Richard Nixon"

Do we know the whole story?

(all) Yes.

Really?

And please, no more 50-page essays.

(all) Oh..

I'd like to have time for a social life.

[bell rings]

Mr. Moore, can I talk to you?

Sure. Uh, your desk or mine?

- I need a small favor. - Maybe.

Well, state insurance law

requires that there be an adult present

in a room full of students.

And Mr. Warren's sick.

And Mr. Medford volunteered to fill in for him, but..

Yes?

Well, this is our parody edition

which is supposed to be funny.

And Mr. Medford, well, let me put it this way

if you're an animal, he'd be a flounder.

We need somebody with a funny bone.

A little irreverence. A sense of rebellion.

And you want me to..

Be faculty advisor to the paper

for this one edition.

[inhales] I'll try.

- Great. Thanks. - Sure.

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[indistinct chatter]

Alright, you guys, what about this?

What about doing a parody of the "Enquirer?"

- Good! - I like it. I like it.

I like it, it's something like, uh

Dr. Samuels outbids elephant man

for remains of Michael Jackson.

I've got it. I've got it.

Oliver North to be spokesman

for shredded wheat.

Jeff is funny and adorable.

Uh, if I may, uh..

God needs a million dollars by Friday

or he'll let Oral Roberts live.

[laughing]

You guys, doesn't this whole thing

just sound a little frivolous?

- Well.. - Come on, Alan!

Maybe, Alan, but it needn't be.

I mean, if-if, if you have serious points to make

satire's a great way to do it.

You know, I've got something.

I've already tried two pieces protesting

Dr. Samuels searching lockers.

Let's do it. El Hefe searched mine this morning.

Hey, hey, hey, what's wrong with an occasional locker search?

[indistinct chatter]

Uh, it might just be a violation

of the fourth amendment of the constitution

of the United States.

[scoffs] I suppose, if you wanna take it literally.

Listen, Dr. Samuels won't print it.

I've done everything short of begging him.

He's now censoring the newspaper?

You have met Dr. Samuels, haven't you, Mr. Moore?

Well, this gives you another shot.

You can go after him with humor.

Nothing is as powerful as a joke whose time has come.

Mr. Moore, can I have a word?

Sure, I'm not using plethora at the moment.

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[indistinct chattering]

- He's looking at us. - Who?

Jeff. Don't look.

Sarah!

[giggles] He's so cute.

Yeah, he is pretty cute.

I didn't notice it before, but there's something about him

that dials my area code.

Here he comes, he's comin' over!

- Oh, my God. - You got that right.

I just remembered, we've got a date.

You what?

Darlene, I've gotta run. I'll see you at 7:00, okay?

Let's try to get there early.

I wanna see the Celtics shoot around.

I think we should get our hotdogs

before the line get too long.

- But, Jeff-- - And plus, it's cap night.

The first 10,000 people get free Knicks caps.

That's great, Jeff, but...I can't go.

- Darlene! - No, I'm swamped.

I've got papers to edit, advertisers to call

and I've got a meeting with the printer.

Are you losin' it? This is the Knicks and the Celtics.

Cap night, him.

Shh!

I'm sorry, um, can you sell the other ticket?

But I got the tickets for us. I wanna go with you.

I know and I feel terrible.

Maybe somebody else would like to go.

Anybody here want a ticket to tonight's basketball game?

'Twelve bucks.'

- Eric? - Nah, you go ahead.

No, would you lend me the 12 bucks?

How 'bout you, Sarah?

Oh, I don't know, I got a lot of stuff to do.

But it-it seems a shame to let it go to waste.

Great! Then it's settled.

Well, I guess so.

I'll meet you in front of the Garden at 7:00.

Okay, I'll be wearing--

No, I-I know what you look like.

Oh, gosh, I feel funny, Darlene. I mean, it was your date.

I'm not that crazy about basketball, anyway.

Yeah, but you got be crazy about Jeff, right?

Well, he is cute. Hmm, I'm not sure.

No. Mnm-mnm, I'm not going.

Our friendship is too important to me.

Sarah, it's not like you're sneaking behind my back.

As a matter of fact, you're helping me out.

Alright?

Oh, do me a favor..

Would you read this?

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[chuckling]

Alright, so I'll see you later.

You better.

Stop the presses.

I always wanted to say that.

Listen, you two, uh, I found what we were talking about.

All here.

I mean, uh, Trudeau's "Doonesbury"

Jules Feiffer all the way back to Al Capp.

Al who?

You don't remember "Li'l Abner?"

I barely remember Little Richard.

Well, the late Al Capp used to draw

this strip called "Li'l Abner."

Now, on the surface, it's about a hillbilly family

but between the lines, it's full of political satire.

And the same is true of Walt Kelly's "Pogo."

- Yeah, we could do a cartoon. - Yeah.

Well, more than just cartoons.

I mean, you can do articles, stories, I mean

Will Rogers, uh, Will Rogers said

"I belong to no organized political party.

I'm a democrat."

- Think about it. - I'm already thinking.

Mr. Moore, can I ask your opinion?

I'm not sure I'm right for this parody thing.

You have to be mean a-and put people down.

It's not me, but I tried.

Well, let's hear what you have.

Okay.

"Jim Bakker's not broke, he still owns

the mineral rights to Tammy's face."

You're doing well.

- We have to talk. - 'Mm-hm.'

It's about Jeff.

What about him?

He asked me out.

Jeff asked you out again?

Say the word and I won't go.

It's alright with me. I just hope you don't get hurt.

Come on, Darlene. Give it to me straight, okay.

You don't want me to go out with him.

Don't be ridiculous. Do you think I'm worried?

Nothing's gonna happen between Jeff...and you.

Oh, really?

Well, I'll tell you what'll happen if I go out with Jeff.

We'll go out again and again and again.

And we'll go steady, we'll get engaged.

We'll get married. We'll have children.

We'll have grandchildren.

And then you'll really get angry.

Sarah, is that what you think of me?

Jealous and possessive?

Come on, Darlene. I know you.

And I know how you're gonna be.

And right now..

...our friendship is more important

than anything between Jeff and me.

What do you mean by, "Right now?"

See, you're already defensive.

Okay, Sarah, do me a favor.

Go out with Jeff.

Get it outta your system.

Alright. If that's the way you feel about it, I will.

Good.

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Janice, Jawaharlal, my first Arvid letter!

Listen to this..

"Dear Arvid, I attend the Bostwick school

"in Brooklyn Heights, where I maintain an A average.

"Except in gym, from which I'm exempt. Weak ankles.

"My extra circular activities include the Stalagmite club

"larva watches of America.

"And during the summer, I attend Accordion camp.

"Looking forward to meeting you for the purpose of exchanging

"ideas and microscopic slides.

Warmest personal regards, Arvid Snurge."

Well, isn't that something?

Amazing how two Arvid's can be so different.

Hey, you guys ought to try this.

You know, Jawaharlal, wouldn't you like

to meet other Jawaharlals?

You know, that's a pretty unusual name.

Are you kidding me?

Half the people in India are named Jawaharlal.

Oh...wh-what are the other half named?

Mrs. Jawaharlal.

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(Dennis) Alright, check this out.

Fillmore chess club suspended for using steroids.

- Look at that, huh? - I like it.

- You like it? - Yup.

Listen up, everybody, I think I found a way

to put the locker search thing into this issue

in kind of a funny way like Mr. Moore was saying.

Our principal as a Latin American dictator.

"Papa Doc Samuels, Strongman of Fillmore."

Amnesty international protests human rights violations

in South Africa, Chile and Fillmore High School.

That's great, Sarah.

Then I go on to a whole thing about the censorship

the locker searches and all that kind of stuff.

So what do you guys think?

[indistinct chatter]

It's clever, it's clever.

I don't know if it's exactly what we're looking for.

[indistinct chatter]

No...I don't think so.

Darlene, it's right on the money.

I mean, i-it's, it's fresh, it makes some strong points.

And I-I know it's funnier than anything

we came up with at Idaho State.

Thank you.

Of course, I'm just your faculty advisor

one you practically begged to take this job.

When are you people gonna get real?

You know, even if I did like it, which I don't...face facts.

Dr. Samuels won't print it.

Darlene, you know this is good.

And since when do you fold so easily?

- Yeah, Darlene? - Why?

Why don't you try to get it past Dr. Samuels?

You and Sarah.

It's your job.

It's not worth fighting for.

Oh, come on.

Listen, I will, uh, I'll fight for it, uh-if that's okay.

- Sure. - Oh, great.

Give it your best shot.

Yeah, well, this is brilliant.

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- Problems, huh? - Problems?

On the paper.

I heard that Darlene was going with Jeff

and then Sarah was going with Jeff.

And that Jeff was hung up on Darlene.

Now, it looks like Jeff is hung up on Sarah.

And as we all know, when a certain person

gets her nose out of joint, you got trouble.

And that starts with a 'T' and that rhymes with 'D'

and that stands for Darlene.

- I see. - Plus, you got Sarah.

Starts with an 'S', that rhymes with mess.

How do you know this?

Janice told me.

Mr. Moore, you wanted to see me?

Yes, sir.

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"Bits and pieces, Ivan Boesky to address ethics, Garber.

"John Collins to undress ethics, Garber.

'A-art class's wax dummy of Mayor Koch wins fourth term."'

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

T-they do this every year.

Uh, w-what's on the front page?

It's sort of an-an affectionate tribute

to the man who makes it all work.

No kidding. Let me see it.

It's kind of a nice picture, I think.

This your idea of a joke?

No, it's their idea of a joke.

It's, uh, it's satire, Dr. Samuels. It's just fun.

You know, that's, uh, respectful joshing.

(Harold) I look like I'm in the cast of "Evita."

Well, they're-they're kids, they paint with broad strokes.

- This is not going in. - Oh, come on, Dr. Samuels.

I-it's not your newspaper, it's their paper.

I won't be portrayed as a tyrant. As a despot.

As the man who tramples on the rights of people.

Yeah, they're probably reacting to random locker searches

and arbitrary censorship.

I'm not looking for pastrami sandwiches in there, you know.

But you are violating their rights

under the fourth amendment.

And they do have a right to complain about it

under the first amendment.

Well, let them complain! This is a free country.

Thank you very much.

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[cheering]

Alright, Darlene, that settles it.

- Let's print this copy. - Alright.

No, Sarah, it's settled when I say it's settled.

And I don't want to do it.

- Why not? - Come on, Darlene.

Darlene, I just went three rounds with Dr. Samuels.

- Let's not waste that. - Yeah.

I can appreciate that, Mr. Moore, but I thought it over

and I don't think that it's-it's something

that we should print.

Come on, Darlene, this is important.

Not just to me, but to the whole school.

You have to print it.

I'm the editor. I decide what to print.

Well, print this. I quit!

Sarah, come on, don't do that!

Uh, would you all excuse us for a moment?

I-I kind of like to hangout and see how you handle this

if you don't mind.

Why don't you tell me about it later?

Look, Mr. Moore, I'm not in the mood for a lecture.

Well, that's okay, nobody is ever really in the mood

for a lecture except the lecturer.

This isn't about the paper, it's other things.

Really?

Let me just take a blind stab at guessing, okay?

Uh, it's, uh, maybe boy meets girl?

Boy meets girl's best friend.

Girl's judgment is clouded by jealousy.

I'm not really jealous.

(Charlie) I know.

You look at Jeff with about as much interest

as you look at...Arvid.

I love Sarah.

I just can't help myself.

I'm ruining our friendship over a guy

that I don't even care that much about

because I'm so hung up on winning.

That's crazy.

Are all teenagers this messed up?

I know I was.

When does it go away?

When you die.

Let's look on the bright side.

Now you're smart enough to know

that you are messed up about this.

Most people would blow the friendship

and the newspaper without thinking about it.

But not you.

See, that's one of the benefits

of being really smart.

You don't let your emotions rule your work.

You're telling me to ask her back.

I don't grovel, Mr. Moore.

Fine. You don't have to like her.

You just have to get the newspaper out.

Right, editor?

I'll talk to her.

It's a good idea. Yeah.

Gives me time to catch up on those "Pogo" strips.

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You want to get Darlene?

We'll ostracize her.

We'll pay people not to talk to her.

We'll put crazy glue in her nail polish bottle.

Maria, please.

Just trying to be nice.

Sarah, can I talk to you for a minute?

Bye.

Look...I don't like having to watch

you and Jeff make goo-goo eyes at each other.

But I do think that I overreacted.

Personal feeling aside, I think that your idea was a good one

and I would appreciate your help in finishing the paper.

Personal feelings aside, I'll be happy to help you.

Good.

See you downstairs.

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(Dennis) Janice Lazaretto leaps into puberty.

I've decided to concede to majority opinion

and print Sarah's story.

- Alright! - Here we go.

- Well, start the presses. - Yeah.

Sarah, do you think Dr. Samuels' picture should go

above the piece or beside him?

How about this?

- Think so? - Yeah, I think it looks good.

Look, um...I know I've been awful.

[telephone ringing]

Yeah, well, everybody is entitled once in a while.

It's not irreversible, you know.

- Hm? - What about there?

It's good.

So, is there anyway that I can apologize

without actually having to apologize?

I'll think about it.

[telephone rings]

[chuckles]

There!

- That's it! - That's it.

We did it.

We did it.

(Dennis) Yes.

Alright, I got it, I got it.

Okay, everybody, he's got it.

Elvis speaks to Dr. Samuels

tells him

"You're the king now, baby."

I think he's got it.

Thank you very much.

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Congratulations.

[cheering]

And the best part is Dr. Samuels is going to find one

in every locker.

I really want to thank all you guys for helping me out.

I realize I wasn't the easiest person to work for.

Or with.

[knock on door]

(Charlie) 'Come in.'

Excuse me, is there an Arvid Engen here?

- Uh, I'm Arvid. - I'm Arvid.

I-I-I'm Arvid, can I, can I help you?

I understand you're looking for Arvids?

- Yeah. - I'm one.

My name is Ingrid Arvid.

Oh, oh, oh, no, see..

'Oh, oh..'

No, uh..

[sighs] The last names don't count.

- Arvid! - What's wrong with you?

I-I can make an exception in this case.

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