Original subtitles

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

Arvid, are you okay?

- For a dead man, yes. - Arvid, what happened?

Mrs. Ramires' English lit final, that's what happened.

Arvid, that test was a piece of cake. Don't tell me you blew it.

[sighs] I-I think so.

I-I said that "Ode To A Skylark" was written by Shelley.

- It was written by Shelly. - Winters.

I-I went to pieces and I know why too.

Okay, I'll bite. Why?

- In a word, Lori Applebaum. - That's two words.

Oh, see, even my math is going.

Yeah, what about history day after tomorrow?

The most important test of my life. I'm serious, Eric.

Nothing can deter me from my goal.

You're looking at Arvid, the single-minded.

I-I am resolute. I am committed.

Hi, Arvid.

[sighs]

You are jelly.

And remember, the exam covers everything

up to and including

Woodrow Wilson's Fourteen Points for peace.

Uh, uh, Mr. Moore, I-I didn't study

Wilson's Fourteen points.

I studied the formation of the League of Loris.

- League of what? - The League of Nations.

Arvid, you said the League of Loris.

[chuckles] No, I didn't.

Mr. Moore, I'm a dead man if I don't get an A

in Contemporary Lori. My grades are just going--

- He did it again. - What again?

Look, Arvid, just relax. Do your best on the test, okay?

[sighs] But how, how can I do my best? I'm a basket case.

I-I can't think, I can't eat.

I-I'm throwing my life away thinking about Lori.

Okay, let's try to keep our mind on this, shall we?

'Here's the first demonstration of radio.'

'Sigmund Freud writes "The Interpretation Of Dreams."'

'Joseph Conrad writes "Lord Jim."'

'And the World Exhibition opens in Paris.'

'Friedrich Nietzsche dies..'

Yes, sir?

Let's take a little walk.

Arvid, I don't know how to say this.

- But we've got a problem. - We have?

You have.

I really like you, son.

That's why this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

W-what is, sir?

I'm removing you from

the individualized honors program.

What? Well, why? I've been with that program all my life.

You're just not cutting it anymore, Arvid.

Your grades are slipping, you're blowing it.

But you can't mean this.

I created IHP.

I set high standards. You're not living up to them.

But-but-but it--

I know what you're going through.

Maybe when you get this thing with Lori Applebaum

out of your system

I'll consider letting you back in.

Right now, I'm sorry.

B-b-but, Dr. Samuels, I have a history test on Friday.

- I'll do great, you'll see. - Forget it, kid.

Here's a pass. Go home.

Tomorrow morning, you start the regular curriculum.

Check with Mr. Whittier in shop.

[instrumental music]

But, Dr. Samuels.

'Please.'

Give me another chance.

- Oh, I.. - Are you alright?

Oh, I, I.. Am I still here?

O-of course, I'm still here. I..

This is, this is silly. Just..

Okay, so these are just a few more points that one must take--

Uh, M-Mr. Moore, can I just say something?

Yeah.

I-I don't think we realize what a-a precious opportunity

it is to be here in the IHP.

I mean, what-what a privilege it is to be

amongst a class of one-one's peers.

See, I-I just don't want this moment to go by

without saying to each and every one of you

I love you.

You're my whole world. I don't ever wanna leave you.

Are you sure you're okay?

Oh, yeah, I-I-I just wanted to tell the class how I felt

and I, I thought this might be a good time.

That's good.

Just so I feel okay about how you feel

I'd like to talk to you after class.

- Sure, fine. - Okay.

[instrumental music]

[bell rings]

Tomorrow I will continue

but don't think that's going to be enough.

You're gonna have to do a lot of work on your own

if you wanna ace this one. Arvid.

I'd like to just review

the last 40 minutes from my perspective.

Well, uh, first, you're talking with Lori

in the hallway on your way to class

and then you inadvertently mentioned her name a few times.

I-I believe it's called a Freudian slip.

While I'm teaching, you glaze over for a while

you wake up screaming

and you tell the entire class you love them.

You find that strange?

I find it very understandable.

You have this crush on Lori

and it's interfering with your concentration

and you're worried about blowing your finals.

Wow. I-is it that obvious?

Look, Arvid, I know it's tough

but these next few days are important to you.

So maybe

you can try to put her out of your mind

until finals are finished.

Put who out of my mind?

Attaboy.

[instrumental music]

- Hey, Arvid. - Hi.

How are you doin' today?

Much better since our talk.

I also had a talk with you-know-who this morning.

What did you say?

I told her she was ruining my concentration

my grades and my future.

I also told her not to take it personally

but that she's gonna have to do

without my attentions for a while.

- Oh, great, Arvid. - That's great.

- What did she say? - Uh, nothing.

She was kissing Barry at the time.

Arvid, let me tell you what I know about women.

Oh, this will only take a couple of seconds.

I'm just trying to give the guy a clue, that's all.

Alright, well, I have a clue.

I mean, right now in my life

Lori represents trouble, pain and heartbreak.

But I keep thinking she'll change.

[bell ringing]

Okay. Tomorrow the test.

Today we wrap up our review, alright.

[sighs] Okay, I'm-I'm here

I'm together, I'm concentrating.

Live long and prosper.

I'm flipping out.

Okay, could we come back to this planet, please?

World War I, the war to end all wars.

Until, of course, World War II

'the Korean War, the Vietnam War'

'"Star Wars."'

[instrumental music]

This does not compute as one of the Federation's

authorized frequencies.

Nevertheless, it happens to be a very clear audio wave form

from somewhere within this galaxy.

What is this audio vector, Mr. Spock?

I logically say the sound frequency's

emanating from within this ship.

[bleeping]

[whistles]

Oh, jeez, sorry, guys. It's just my beeper.

They're calling me to unclog the astro john.

[rumbling]

[groaning]

- What happened? - We're stopping, sir.

The Enterprise stops for nothing.

Full thrust, Scotty.

I'm already giving her everything she's got, captain.

If I push her any harder, she'll blow herself apart.

[grunts]

We are now stopped, sir.

Mr. Spock, what's happenin'?

There is only one logical answer.

We are surrounded by an immense force field.

Origin, unknown.

It's destroyin' our integrated holographic proportion system.

- Were the IHP destroyed? - Butt out, mister.

You never finished high school.

[rumbling]

Captain! Spock!

- Oh. - Arvid!

- Oh. - Are you alright?

I think so. What happened?

Everyone else is knocked unconscious.

Arvid, only you can save us now.

There must be a way out of this.

Wait a minute.

The force field has to be expressed

in a mathematical equation.

If we can just reverse that equation

we can use the force field itself

to propel us the heck out of here.

Arvid, you're a genius.

Well, it's a slim chance, but it just might work.

Hold on tight.

Tighter.

[whoosh]

[groans]

[sighs]

You've done it.

Arvid, my hero!

[beeping]

What happened?

You were unconscious, but look

Arvid got us out of the force field.

I underestimated you, janitor.

I'll put in a good word with the StarFleet commander.

There might be a high school diploma in this for you.

Why, thank you, captain.

You've made me the happiest mop jock in the galaxy.

Speaking of galaxies. Uhura, where are we?

Vector 75YQ243, sir.

Isn't that Denon territory?

[dramatic music]

Yes, sir.

Lori, it's because of you, uh

that I flunked out of high school in the first place.

But now that I might get my diploma

well, I could be captain of my own starship.

We could travel to distant planets together.

What do you say?

I have to wash my hair.

Oh, level with me. Is that the real reason?

[instrumental music]

Don't be naive, Arvid.

I tried to warn you, Arvid, but you're just a dumb space nerd.

Uh, I don't understand!

Lori is a Denon double agent.

Thanks to her, our little ruse worked perfectly.

Don't thank me, thank Captain Arvid.

[laughing]

I-I don't get it.

And you never will.

[instrumental music]

[echoes] Lori!

How could you do this to me?

Do what?

Oh, God, I-I was just talking to, to Lori.

Uh, I-I mean to myself.

'Uh, I mean, I'm sorry, Mr. Moore.'

It's no use. I can't concentrate.

Um, I-I was light years away.

'Did I miss anything important?'

I reviewed the first 20 years of the 20th century.

[bell ringing]

Uh, in your usual concise, incisive

and illuminating manner?

Thank you, yes.

Uh, all of which will be on the exam tomorrow?

- I'm afraid so. - Ah, great.

I'll tell you what, Arvid, why don't you use my notes?

Really? Oh, thank.. Th-that's a big help.

You're great, Mr. Moore, you know, I-I don't know

how to thank you. I can't thank you enough.

- It's okay. - Thanks.

Arvid.

Oh.

[instrumental music]

(Charlie) 'Please take your seats. All books off your tables.'

Now you have exactly one hour to complete this test.

- You're with me, Arvid? - I-I'm trying.

I didn't get any sleep last night.

Studying my notes?

Actually I was thinking of ways

to not think about you-know-who.

I-I couldn't think of any

so I just gave up and watched reruns all night.

Well, you know all this.

You just have to keep your mind on it.

Now there are no multiple choice questions.

Just five essays.

Tough but doable.

[bell rings]

In the words of the great one. And away we go!

[instrumental music]

[dramatic music]

Alice, I'm home.

You're just in time for supper, Ralph.

You call this supper?

Well, sit.

And that's another thing.

You don't go orderin' me around.

You know why, Alice?

Because I am the king and this is my castle.

I am the king, Alice.

I am the king and you are nothin'.

I am the king, Alice. You're nothin'.

King, nothin'.

You know what that means, Alice?

Yeah, you are the king of nothin'.

Alright, Alice.

A regular riot.

One of these days, pow! Right in the kisser.

You know, Ralph, you are not the only one I could have married.

There were a lot of guys after me.

Har har hardy har har.

There was this one guy and he was really brilliant.

So where is this Alfred Einstein now, huh?

Hey, hey, Ralphy boy.

You're lookin' at him.

Norton? Norton?

He was a genius in high school. Right, Norton?

She's right, Ralph. I could've been a rocket scientist.

Instead I'm a subterranean effluvial engineer.

What are you talkin' about? You work in a sewer.

Well, let me put it this way. I go with the flow.

[laughs]

With the flow, huh? You wanna know where I'm goin'?

Do you wanna know where I'm goin'?

I'll tell you where I'm goin'!

I'm goin' down to the Hong Kong Gardens

to get a number four and an egg roll.

And when I get back, I don't wanna find you here.

When I get back, you are gone.

- You got that, Norton? - Sure, Ralph.

Say, could you bring me back some egg foo yung?

[grunts]

You are a mental case.

Sheesh, what a grouch.

Sometimes I feel like I made a mistake marrying Ralph.

I should have married someone else.

I know. I-I mean, I know why you married Ralph.

He's a, he's a bus driver.

He could give you all this. I couldn't.

You couldn't because you flunked outta high school.

Well, that's 'cause I-I-I was bonkers over you.

- Really, Norton? - Well, yeah.

I-in fact, if, uh, if it's not too late to--

- To what? - Uh..

Well, you know, you and me

bobbin' along to sew our life together.

We could take the plunge.

Norton, do you really think I'll leave Ralph for you?

Ralph's in transportation, you're in sanitation.

There's a big difference.

Well, I-I know he-he, he gets people

where they're goin', I get 'em after they went.

Alice, they had a special down at the Hong Kong Gardens.

The great wall of rice. Wait till you taste it.

Now what's this malarkey about you and Norton?

I was just kiddin', Ralph.

I just wanted to see if you still care about me.

Baby, you're the greatest.

[dramatic music]

[instrumental music]

Keep your hands off her, Ralph. She's mine!

- Arvid. - 'What?'

Oh, uh-huh. W-w-what's happening? I..

It's you and me out in the hallway, Arvid.

That's what's happening.

Okay, the rest of you, you're on the honor system.

Now, Arvid, this problem of yours

is starting to affect everyone else.

I-I'm sorry, Mr. Moore, I can't help myself.

What can I do?

I think it's apples and oranges.

You're an orange and you're a great orange

but no matter how terrific you are

she is interested in apples.

Now you can't change yourself into an apple

and you can't spend the rest of your life hurting

because you're an orange.

Either way, it's the pits.

Arvid..

[sighs] ...the only way for you to win

is to face reality head-on.

Now she is not for you.

Not right now anyway.

When?

I don't know.

Maybe never.

But the only problem you can deal with right now

is this test. So what do you say?

Shall we?

W-well, Mr. Moore, uh, intellectually

everything you're saying makes sense.

I'm letting Lori mess me up

and if I don't pull myself out of it

it could be a total disaster.

But, uh, emotionally, this orange is crushed.

So if I could have a minute or two to pull myself together?

Sure.

What's with the mop? You're moonlighting as a janitor?

Huh?

Arvid, why aren't you inside taking your history final?

Oh, uh, I-I'm working up to it. I-I hope.

Arvid, you can't just stand around in the halls.

This is a school. This is finals week.

You're never gonna get into MIT if you just stand around.

(female #1) You can't go on like this. I can't go on like this.

'You gotta shape up or shift out.'

'Are you listening to me?'

'I hope you are because well, it is time that you got..'

[telephone rings]

Murder, theft or just in trouble

we will help you on the double.

Hello? No, I'm Miss DiPesto.

Maddening Hayes is having a screaming fight

with Mr. Addison right now.

No, you can't come right over.

Hello?

When I say that I'm coming right over, I mean it.

Wow, lady, you don't take no for an answer.

Arvid Addison, this is a professional detective agency.

You don't show up here late, you don't show up drunk

and you don't show up dressed like that.

- Like what? - Like that.

- What's wrong with like this? - What's wrong with like th--

I don't know why you're so hung up on this--

You're unkempt, you're disheveled, you're a disgrace.

Now how are we gonna get new clients if you look like that?

How are we gonna make an example

for ourselves when you look like that?

Arvid Addison, would you, please, put your pants on?

Maddening Hayes, will you, please, keep your shirt on?

Excuse me!

We have a client.

'This is Mrs. Heartbreak.'

- It's you. - Yes, Arvid.

- It's always been you. - You two know each other?

It was a long time ago.

Before I married the late Mr. Heartbreak.

- Oh, of Heartbreak Steel? - Make that Heartbreak theft.

He was embezzling, not a very good idea

if you're in partnership with the Mob.

- They killed him? - Who else?

- She's lying. - We'll take the case.

- We're not taking the case. - We're taking the case.

- We're not taking the case. - We're taking the case.

Here's a check for a million dollars.

- We'll take the case. - We'll take the case.

I always knew you'd marry into big bucks.

You're that kinda woman.

I never thought you'd end up

bein' a sleazy detective.

[laughs] Lori, Lori, Lori.

Don't you know why, you of all people?

I was so nuts about you in high school

I couldn't concentrate on my work.

- I flunked out. - You did?

Didn't you think it was a lie

that I just suddenly disappeared?

I didn't notice. But I'm noticing now.

Me too.

Uh, when you're through with the tonsil massage

we got a case to solve.

- How did he die? - He was stabbed to death.

Here's the murder weapon.

(all) She's lying.

How about poison?

Oh, forget it, doll face.

Arvid, you have to help me. You're my last chance.

- You killed him, didn't you? - Alright, I did it.

But I did it, so we can be together.

- Just the three of us. - The three of us?

You, me and his money.

Oh, I'm sorry for all I have done, Arvid.

I wanna make it up to you.

Oh, forget it, babe.

Sure I took the fall for you in high school

but I got a hot flash for you.

We're through.

History, old business.

If the phone don't ring, you'll know it's me.

Am I good or what?

(all) What?

Come along, miss.

Arvid, when I get outta prison, will you still be there for me?

Forget it, doll face. You're apples, I'm oranges.

Wrong, you're bananas.

(all) Bananas.

But not without a peel.

Mr. Moore, friends, I'm back.

No more dreams. I'm into reality now.

Reality number one, Lori was not meant for me.

Reality number two, I have a test to take.

And reality number three, I have to pass that test.

So let's go, Mr. Moore.

There is one more reality, Arvid.

What's that?

[bell rings]

Time's up.

What? Uh, Mr. Moore, a make-up exam.

You gotta be giving me a make-up exam, please.

- Please, Mr. Moore. - Okay.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Oh, Mr. Moore, I-I just have to know. How did I do?

Well, it's only my opinion, Arvid

but I think you came through with flying colors.

Well, is that an A, a B, what?

Oh, the history test. Ah, you did well enough.

I thought you were talking about the real test.

Oh, oh, the thing with Lori. Well, what can I say?

I-it was like two opposing forces

fighting for possession of my soul.

It was like academia on one side and compassion on the other.

- Hi, Arvid. - Compassion wins.

Lori, Lori.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[music continues]