Original subtitles

[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

- 'Morning, everybody.' - Morning.

- Good morning, sir. - Morning.

Sorry, I'm late.

You're not gonna believe this

someone stole my bicycle this morning.

Sorry, Arvid.

Arvid, not again!

I stopped by Neiderman's on Amsterdam

to pick up some floppy disks

they cut through all three locks.

Next time, don't put the locks on the training wheels.

Come on, Eric, back off.

That makes it the second bike he's lost.

Actually it's the third.

Don't worry, you can borrow mine.

Now, the Weimar Republic, 1919.

Does the name Hugo Preuss ring any bells?

The democratic politician

who wrote Germany's new constitution.

Correct, and what was the main topic

of conversation in the Beer Halls?

Inflation.

You know what a new bike's gonna cost me?

Unemployment.

Oh, I have to get a new job to pay for it.

What else?

The mood was ripe for a power crazed

little man with a funny moustache.

Oh, right, my father's gonna kill me!

Arvid, could we talk about this after class?

And because of the--

[bell ringing]

Okay, tomorrow Hitler's attempted coup d'etat, 1923.

Till then, have a good one.

Arvid.

Why don't you, uh, fill me in on the details?

Well, I-I need money

but I don't like the idea of going back to ATS.

- ATS? - Uh, uh..

Advanced Tutorial Services.

Doesn't sound like the worst job in the world.

Well, it's okay but, you know, I was thinking

it might be fun to have a real job for once in my life.

Well, just to see how real people make a living.

Eh, behind these Einsteinian glasses

could be the next Studs Terkel.

Uh, I know a guy that runs a dance club.

He mentioned looking for weekend help.

I'll take it!

I've to call him first.

It might not be the most glamorous position.

Hey, as long as I don't have to bring my calculator.

Is this man great?

Not only is he a great teacher

he also gets my buddy a job.

- Uh, thank you, Dennis. - Got anything for me?

What're you lookin' for?

I want a job that will give me lots of money, power, travel.

Lots of vacations

but it's important that I don't overtax my brain.

If you can wait a couple of years, there'll be

an opening in the White House.

[instrumental music]

I, I appreciate it, Jeff.

Yeah, he is a terrific kid, he could do anything.

Okay, I'll send him over.

His name is Arvid.

Arvid. Yeah.

Thanks again.

- Finding Arvid a new home? - No, I'm finding him a job.

Oh, Charlie, that's really nice.

- Where's the job? - Club Zirkon.

But, oh, wait, Charlie, you know people there?

Well, I know the guy that runs it.

I've never actually been there.

But aren't you even curious?

I'm not real big on the club scene.

But I'm curious, Charlie. I..

Bernadette, is there something you want me to ask you?

Me first, Miss Meara.

Have you seen my Sea Captain's mug?

Oh, uh, yeah, it's right over here.

What is it, Mr. Moore?

I don't know, it's green and foamy

and it smells like low tide, uh..

Swamp juice?

- I wish it tastes that good. - Hmm.

Powdered yeast and wheatgrass.

Doing penance?

Worse. A diet.

The other night my wife and I were listening

to Nostalgia Radio, do you remember that

detective story called "The Fat Man?"

"His name, Brad Runyon.

"There he goes now into that drug store.

He is stepping on the scales, weight, 200--"

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

My wife says, "You think that's fat?

He weighs less than you do."

[scoffs]

What else can I do?

You could listen to the "Thin Man."

Yeah..

[instrumental music]

Arvid, very cool shirt.

It's actually nice.

What is it, Carl Sagan's birthday?

My new shirt for my new job.

I spent the weekend as part of the labor force.

I now work behind the scenes at an actual club.

- Club Zirkon. - 'Zirkon?'

- Zirkon? - Club Zirkon?

- Are you kidding? - Arvid..

Are you sure you'll fit into a place like that?

Arvid is fine.

Do you realize you work in the hottest club in the city?

Yeah. People line up around the block to get into that place.

So what's you job, Arvid?

You stand out front as an example

the kind of people they won't let in?

Hey. Hey! It's not nice.

- Sorry.. - Not nice.

That's not your job, is it?

No. Y-you know, you know when you wash lot of dishes and pots

and you have to reach in and clean out the stuff

at the bottom of the sink?

- Yeah. - That's me.

Oh.

Well, hey, I also, I also mop up.

I clean the ice machines.

And I, uh, put the blue stuff in the toilets.

But hey, the job's educational.

I've already learned how to put out a fat fire.

Arvid, let's get to it, how's the money?

Well, n-not bad, I-I get minimum wage

but, uh, free food and-and-and free admission to the club.

- I'm, I'm welcome anytime. - Can you bring friends?

- Yeah. - I've never been to a--

I-I-I.. I'd have to ask.

(Charlie) 'Okay. Okay! Okay!'

We know you all want to get into Club Zirkon.

Now how many of you wanna get into college?

[instrumental music]

Hi, Janice.

How's the donut?

To tell you the truth, Dr. Samuels, it's awful.

I-i-it's not like really working.

I-it's more like hanging out.

Uh-uh, last night I met Sigourney

uh, Treat, Shawn.

- You mean the Shawn? - Oh, yeah.

You know, he's actually not a bad guy.

You know, I saw him save a person's life.

- Really? - Uh-huh.

A couple of his bodyguards were beating up this photographer

and Shawn said, "Cool it, guys, he's had enough."

[chuckles]

I'm just kidding. It's-it's a joke.

Oh.

Rodney told me to check, he said it about Frank.

Uh, anyway, Lori, you know, uh, I can probably get you in.

You could?

Uh, y-yeah.

Uh, m-maybe even tonight, you know

the-the whole IHP class is going.

Oh, the IHP is going.

Oh..

I know what you mean. Uh..

Maybe you and I'll go alone another night, huh?

Yeah, maybe.

He-hey, Mr. Moore, my man, what's the haps?

The haps is we ought to get to class.

Let's hit it. Another day, another A.

Oh, check it out, Uptown Arvid.

[chuckling] Well, come on, Arvid, tell us about your weekend.

H-hey, what can I say? They love me there.

They started calling me, "The Wizard."

[indistinct chatter]

I fixed their computerized sound system

and I helped them with their laser lights.

They told me, the beautiful people would be lost

without The Wizard.

'Mr. Moore, I cannot thank you enough.'

I haven't enough words to describe the Zirkon Club.

It's the, uh, hippest..

...hottest..

...happeningest.

And I'm getting to know the most important person there

Lance, the door man.

[laughs] The door man?

Oh, yeah, he's really smart.

You know, and he knows something I will never know

how to let the right people into the Zirkon Club.

The right people?

Who are they?

Oh, people he lets in.

Oh-oh, and-and by the way, I spoke with Chip, the owner

and it took a little arm twisting but

you're all invited to Zirkon tonight.

- Alright! - I can't wait.

- What should I wear? - Pajamas kid, you're not going.

[chuckles]

'But the rest of you are gonna have to do'

the all Wiz a few favor-os.

First of all, don't ask for autographs

and please, no cameras and no staring at the celebrities.

I mean, the main thing is just to, uh

watch me and do what I do.

Arvid, we can't all put blue stuff in the toilets.

Uh, what..

I'm just saying that, uh, why, you're all, uh

different from the people who usually go there.

Uh, and try not to act like an..

[chuckles] Don't take this personally. Nerds.

"Don't take it personally?"

[chuckles]

You know what I'm talkin' about, Eric, right?

No, I don't, Arvid.

Well, I just mean that you girls try to act a little, uh..

...older, you know, and not so smart.

Oh, Alan, uh, loosen up a little, huh?

And, uh-oh, Jawaharlal, try not to have an accent.

Dennis, Dennis, Dennis..

Wizard, Wizard, Wizard.

What're you gonna wear tonight?

You're lookin' at it.

[laughing] Darling, do you think you could try to like

uh, put yourself together a little better?

I could get a bikini wax.

[laughing] That's cute.

Well, maybe you could wear black.

Anyway, you know there's a, there's a two drink minimum

but for us they're making an exception..

...a no drink maximum.

[chuckling] Kids.

Oh, Mr. Moore, feel free to drop by

if you're in the...neighb.

Maybe some other time.

[bell rings]

Mr. M, you're on.

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Miss Meara...pizza.

Well, what about pizza?

(Sarah) 'We made some pizza last night'

'a thick sauce of fresh tomatoes.'

Two kinds of cheese, with chunks of sausage--

Bell peppers, black olives, sauted mushrooms

garlic, guacamole--

And we were wondering--

Don't you girls have some place to be?

Oh, yeah, we have to go to lunch.

What're you gonna have, Maria?

Oh, I don't know, I was thinking about pastrami or something--

Get outta here!

- Hi, Mr. Moore. - Hi.

Dr. Samuels, don't you think you're hitting the, uh

swamp juice a little hard?

Oh, shut up.

'Miss Meara!'

Oh, Mr. Moore.

- Can I ask you a question? - Yeah.

I'm a little short this week, Dennis.

No, no, no. It's about Arvid.

What's with the guy lately?

I-he used to be this nice, well adjusted nerd.

And now he's not.

My best friend in school was Billy Chimerinsky..

Oh.

We used to do everything together.

You know, we'd go bowling every week

and we used to go to Tarzan movies.

We'd swim at this old quarry outside town--

Yeah, that's sounds great, Mr. Moore.

I'm sure America was a happier place back then.

Dennis, I'm getting there, okay.

So, one summer Billy's mother ships him off

kicking and screaming to some tennis camp, you know.

Comes back and, uh

looks the same but somehow he's different.

All of a sudden I'm not good enough for my best friend Billy.

So what did you do?

Well, I ranted and raved and screamed.

- I was, I was angry about it. - Uh-huh.

Pretty soon I got tired of doing that in front of my own mirror

so I decided I better talk to Billy in person.

Got you, Mr. Moore.

I'm gonna take care of my own Chimerinsky tonight.

Listen, Dennis..

Miss Meara, I..

- Bernadette. - Yes, Charlie.

Are you still interested in going to Club Zirkon tonight?

Wait a second, Charlie.

Uh, my social calendar may not be filled

for the remainder of the year and men

may not be dueling over me in the streets

but I do not need a mercy date.

I mean, my name isn't exactly on the "New York Times"

most desperate list.

I am not a needy women.

- Eight o'clock? - Perfect.

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[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

- Yo, line on the left. - Uh, Charlie Moore.

- The architect? - The teacher.

- Nope. On the left. - Oh, this is outrageous.

This is Charlie Moore, the man behind The Wizard--

- Bernadette, please. - Oh..

Hey, Charlie Moore.

You finally made it.

Well, I almost made it.

I still have to make it past your bouncer.

Oh, no. He's okay.

Lance..

[chuckles]

- So, this your new lady? - Ah..

- Chip Russell. - Not exactly.

Oh, somebody else's lady, huh?

Hey, don't worry, no photographers inside.

Come on. Oh, by the way, I love The Wizard.

- You got anymore like him? - Well..

[instrumental music]

- Here you go. - Thank you.

You park it here.

- We'll chat later, okay. - Okay.

- Uh.. Hi, there. - Oh!

You made it.

Well, uh, everything cool?

- Table okay? - Fine, Arvid. Thank you.

Well, anything you need just whistle for The Wiz.

Oh, Arvid, you smell so nice.

- What is that? - Uh, Sani-Flush.

Yo. Can I help you?

Yes, if you'd move a little to your left, I could get in.

Not unless your name's on this list.

Oh. John Candy.

[laughing]

[laughing] I don't think so.

But if I were John Candy, I'd be on the list?

If you were John Candy you wouldn't have to be on the list.

Oh, so, some people don't have to be on the list?

- That's right. - So who'd I have to be?

- On the list. - Oh.

Hi. So, what's your sign?

Sagittarius.

Not yours, him.

Taurus.

Oh, my God, you guys, isn't that, um..

- No! - Yes, it is.

- No, it's not. - Yes, it is.

No, it's not.

Okay, fine, who is it then?

- It's what's his name! - No, it's not.

[laughing]

Okay, okay. I'm Sam Kinison.

[imitates Sam Kinison]

- That's it. You're out. - Okay. I'm not on your list.

I'm just an average guy who's got the price of admission

who would like to go inside and maybe dance with Molly Ringwald.

Now, do I get in or not?

Not.

My name Jawaharlal comes from

Jawaharlal Nehru himself.

So, I guess you're not from around here.

This is great, now I think

I may have talked to cue ball heads

into playin' at benefit for the contest.

They really are cue ball heads.

Well, big baby Blunden didn't show up.

Are you surprised?

I figured he wouldn't have the nerve to mix with this crowd.

The night is still young.

Oh, look who's here, the anti-boogeyman.

You actually showed up.

I'm not here to talk to you, munchkins

I'm looking for The Wizard.

Oh, Wizard, Toto's here.

- Not too tough, just enough. - Mm-hmm.

He-he-hey, my man.

I'm not your man.

Well, it's good to see you, buddy.

I'm not your buddy either.

Hey, hey. Why you coppin' a major attitude?

You-you're bringin' me down, man.

Arvid, why don't you just cut the jive talk.

You're about as hip as Abe Vigoda.

Whoa! Now wait a minute.

No, just let me just finish, so I can get out

of this snob factory.

Why? Just 'cause I asked to change your shirt?

Yes, as a matter of fact.

Don't you realize that without Arvid you people would have

about as much chance of getting in here as me?

You are here remember?

Yeah, but I didn't get in here the way you did.

- I didn't play their game. - Meaning what?

Meaning, I sneaked in.

I had to tell their bouncer his car was on fire.

Well, why didn't you just tell him you were on my list?

Well, why didn't I just tell him

I was a Nobel Prize winning chemist

who just invented fruit flavored gasoline?

Yeah. Why didn't you say that?

That would've worked.

- Okay, wise guy, let's go. - Hey, no. No rough stuff, okay.

Charlie, we have rules. He snuck in here.

But, Chip, wha-what's gonna happen?

Is he gonna take photographs of the place

and sell them to the Iranians?

[laughing] Uh-uh, Chip, Dennis is okay.

No, I'm not.

[laughs] You're gonna love this guy.

Arvid, you're ashtrays, I'm clientele.

Arvid, it's okay. I don't want to stay.

I just wanted to come down here and tell you to your face

what a jerk I think you've been.

And if this is the new Arvid Engen, no thanks.

Don't touch my T-shirt, it's rented.

[laughing]

Alright, Wizard, forget it.

Let's get back to work, okay?

Um, I don't think I want to work in a club

that wouldn't let me in if I wasn't working there.

You're quitting?

I-I guess so.

Oh. That's too bad.

He's a smart kid.

Smarter than I thought.

[instrumental music]

Well, I want to say that I'm very disappointed

that all of you are supporting Dennis's

childish protest against social realities.

Oh, Alan, really!

(Alan) 'Look you have to have rules.'

Having rules about getting to Club Zirkon

is no different from having rules about

who can get into this class.

Are we all snobs because we're smart?

I-it's not the same thing, Alan.

Look, say I, I decide to try-out for the Knicks

and they tell me that I'm too short or too slow or..

My jump shot is not good enough.

Well, I have no complaints

but if I have the money in my hand

and I wanna see a game and they refuse to sell me a ticket

because of the way I look or what I'm wearing

then that is a whole different ball game

and it's not one I want to see.

Hey, uh..

Listen, I..

Dennis was right, I..

I acted like a jerk.

I-I'm sorry, everybody, and, uh..

I-I-I guess, I guess, I got caught up in the glamour.

Yeah, I guess we all did.

I didn't.

Dennis..

...I-I like to make it up to you.

How?

I might be able to get you into the chess club.

You could get me into the chess club?

Well, I, I can't make any promises but you know

a few words in the right direction..

- Arvid. - Oh..

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Off the swamp juice, huh?

Between you and me, Mr. Moore, yes.

Between me and my wife, no.

She's bound to find out.

Yeah, yeah.

She'll scream, she'll yell.

She'll say I'm weak, spineless, cowardly.

But then within an hour, she'll forgive me.

She'll make me a nice roast beef sandwich.

We'll kiss, we'll make love and best of all

I won't have to see that swamp juice for the next year.

You know, Dr. Samuels, it takes a big man

to admit his weaknesses.

[grinder whirring]

Who's in my office?

This isn't bad.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]