Original subtitles

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Eric, you gotta help me quick.

I need some money. Five bucks, ten bucks, credit cards--

No, no way, man. You don't pay back.

- Come on, it's only paper. - No.

Oh, God, here she comes.

Dennis, you can run, but you can't hide.

Come on, Janice. I'm gonna give you the money.

- I just need some more time. - Okay, five boxes of cookies.

That's $10.

If you don't have the money, just give me my cookies back.

I can't.

Those cookies were girl scout property.

Ooh, you're in trouble now, man.

You're dealing with a very tough organization.

Green Berets.

Mr. Dorfman, I can't keep giving you new time cards.

You're gonna have to relax a little.

I'm trying!

- Alright. - But I can't.

My doctor's gonna have to give me something.

- Oh. - Drugs?

Oh.

Don't get me wrong. I mean, the legal kind.

- Prescription drugs. - Oh, right.

Basically the kind of stuff that helped kill Elvis.

At least Elvis doesn't have to face these kids every morning.

Oh, come on, Mr. Dorfman. I mean, they're not all bad.

- You have IHP, third period. - Yeah?

Well, all they're worried about is where they're next good grade

is coming from.

What about that Eric Mardian?

How'd they let a hoodlum like him in the honors program?

Oh, there, you gotta look pass the image.

I mean, he's a bright kid.

[scoffs] Maybe he's got you fooled

but not me.

- Mr. Dorfman. - Thank you.

And so begins another day in paradise.

[imitates bugle call]

Whoa! Big day, huh, Arvid?

- Don't start, Dennis. - I'm not starting, Arvid.

Come on, Arvid. You're among friends. You can take it off.

No, you-you're gonna laugh at me. You always do.

Don't be silly, we're not gonna laugh. We've seen it before.

Yeah, how many times can it be funny?

- Yeah. - You promise?

- We promise. - Promise.

[laughter]

You said you wouldn't laugh!

Arvid, why do you need all those badges, anyway?

Well, a-a long time ago, I set a goal for myself.

I said I'll get every badge there ever was.

Well, and-and now I only have one left to go.

Wait, l-let me guess.

Midwife?

[laughter]

No. Bugling.

- Bugling? - Well, I have weak lips.

Fortunately, bugling is no longer necessary

to the space program.

- Morning. - Good morning, Mr. Moore.

[bell rings]

Is that Arvid Engen or General Patton?

Janice and I are in uniform for special assembly.

We lead the pledge to the flag.

Ah. Well, you shame me, Arvid.

I earned only one really easy badge before I quit scouting.

- Which one? - Bugling.

Okay, uh, today I'd like to start

by talking about the Cold War.

How cold was it?

It was so cold that the US and Russia

were doing everything they could to mess each other up

except they're actually using weapons.

Kind of like my parents.

No, seriously, it's my favorite time in history.

I love all that spy stuff.

Uh, the books by John Le Carre, Ian Fleming, Len Deighton.

I've seen every movie.

Well, the Cold War is about more than just spy stuff, Eric.

It's about economic comparatives and spheres of influence--

Right. I, I know the whole period backwards and forwards.

[chuckles] You never fail to surprise me.

Thank you.

- Alright, excuse me. - Yeah?

Oh, listen, I lost my lucky pen.

Or maybe that's good. I don't know anymore.

But I thought maybe you accidently picked it up

after we talked in the office.

(Charlie) Uh, no.

I don't wanna see you smirk like that

when you're in my class, mister.

Don't worry, I've got a special smirk just for you.

Sorry to bother you.

Later.

What is going on between you two?

[chuckles] I can't help myself.

Man, the guy's got no business being a teacher.

Oh, you're the judge of that?

Mr. Dorfman just loses control of his class sometimes.

- He's a nice man. - He used to be.

But lately, he's been kind of frazzled.

And you-know-who isn't helping things.

Yeah, Eric, sometimes you go too far.

Hey, wait, I'm not the only one.

Uh, what about the time Dennis gave Dorfman's number

to that Armenian dating service?

You did that?

Okay, I allow myself one Dorfman a month.

But Eric is the worst offender.

[scoffs] Okay, you know, I can't believe I'm hearing this.

I mean, Mr. Dorfman is doing his best as a teacher.

I mean, he's going through a tough time right now.

So there's no reason to make it worse.

You understand?

Gee.

Then maybe I should give him back his lucky pen.

Ah, Dorfman, I, uh, found your lucky pen.

- I had it all along. - Ah, thanks.

- Sure. - Or not.

Listen, uh, this may be none of my business, but, uh..

...you've problems and you feel like talking.

I can't face another day of them. I'm going mad.

Well, maybe you should think about a new line of work.

No!

I love teaching and I'm good at it.

Well, that's right. It's right, you are.

So you gotta start looking for the positives again.

The positive part of my day is now gone.

The IHP ruined by Eric Mardian.

- Well, how? - Uh, uh, he-he's a wise guy.

He's disruptive, he makes jokes, he drives me crazy.

Listen, I, uh, I talked with him about it.

Just give him a chance.

Oh, yeah?

What about my other classes?

I just can't handle it anymore.

Dorfman..

[bell rings]

...you can handle it.

You gotta step back occasionally, you know

get a new perspective.

But how do you do it?

Well, uh, you know, they're smart kids.

Uh, you gotta be a little creative.

You know, keep it interesting.

Now I know it's harder with the tough ones.

But you gotta be more creative.

And you have to maintain your authority.

Go right after the worst offender, you know?

Once you get him in place, the rest of them will fall in line.

Try it.

- Okay. Thanks. - Sure.

- I'll give it a try. - Okay.

I've done a million of these PTA dinners.

I always tell them the same thing.

High school is a seething cauldron of raw human emotion.

My job is to keep the lid on.

They love it.

Excuse me, Dr. Samuels, uh, raw human emotion?

Uh, if it was a seething cauldron

wouldn't it be cooked human emotion?

[gasping]

Mr. Dorfman, something wrong?

- I took your advice. - What advice?

I went after the worst offender.

- Well, what happened? - I think I attacked him.

You struck a student?

You told him to strike a student?

- Of course not. - I didn't hit him.

I put him in a headlock and took him to the mat.

Oh, no.

Then I walked calmly in here

and began shak-shaking--

Sit down, sit down, sit down.

You're in trouble, Dorfman.

He just attacked me for no reason.

Dorfman, that's gonna be a very expensive headlock.

Ooh, you twisted my spine, Dorfman.

I-I-I could be in a neck brace for months.

I figured the least I'm gonna get out of this is a Corvette.

My party will be in touch.

- Eric, wait a minute. - 'Let him go.'

Alright, everybody, step outside for a few minutes.

Come on.

You heard nothing, you saw nothing.

Last thing we need right now is an eyewitness.

Wha-what are you doing?

I'm taking charge. That's my job.

Covering this up is your job?

Covering what up? We don't know anything.

What? He-he just told us what happened.

It's true. It's all true.

Look at him. He's hysterical.

A man in his condition could imagine almost anything.

Well, Eric just walked in here and confirmed everything.

If I believed all the garbage that a hoodlum

in a leather jacket told me, where would I be?

I have the classroom incident form

the assault on a teacher form

and the assault on a student form.

Good. Lose 'em.

Mr. Dorfman, I want you to go home

take the day off, get in the bed, watch TV.

- I feel sick. - Watch "General Hospital."

- Miss Meara. - Hm.

- Get Mr. Dorfman a taxi. - Okay.

[exhales]

Uh, look, Dr. Samuels

you can't pretend this didn't happen.

I mean, I've talked to Dorfman.

This is a teacher who feels he's losing it.

Now even the IHP is starting to gang up on him.

It'll blow over.

B-but-but you have a real problem.

What problem?

Well, you have a student who was assaulted.

You have a teacher who was driven to assault.

You can't just sweep that under the carpet.

Look, first, I'll let everybody cool down.

Then I play the odds.

- What odds? - I call the parents.

I tell them their kid has been involved

in a situation with a teacher.

The teacher lost his temper and hit the kid.

Nine out of ten times, the parents will say

"Good, he deserved it."

To the other 10%, I say, "Come in, we'll talk it over."

Most of them won't even bother showing up.

You-you call that handling a problem?

Well, we have the lowest ratio

of teacher-student incidents in the city.

Well, yes, because you don't report the incidents.

What can I tell you? It works.

Uh, guys, I'm-I'm sorry. You can't go through this way.

You have to go around.

Uh, please, go.

- Hi, Arvid. - Hi. Oh, I'm sorry.

I-I can't let you through.

[laughs] Come on, Arvid.

Don't be such a boy scout. Just let us in.

We're not gonna eat anything. We just want some ice cream.

I keep thinking about Eric and Mr. Dorfman.

- Yeah. Come on. - Oh, yeah.

Well, I'm-I'm sorry, I can't let you through.

If I let you through, I have to let the others through

and it's not fair. Uh, you see this badge?

I got it for integrity.

That's a pig.

This one here.

Well, I'm sorry. Don't ask me. I-I can't let you through.

Well, can you just go and get us some ice cream then?

- Yeah. - I-I-I can't leave my post.

Let's go.

You have a badge for wimp?

- Hi, Arvid. - I can't..

Lori.

I love the uniform.

Yeah? Hey, thanks.

Yeah, I, uh, I Eagled out a year ago.

That's great, Arvid.

- What comes after Eagle Scout? - Um, shaving.

[chuckles]

Listen, could I just slip in for a teensy second

to get some Jell-O?

Sure, Lori. Yeah, right over here.

Hey, you want me to, uh, would you like..

[crash]

Would you like me to, uh..

...pay for the, pay for your Jell-O?

Oh, that's sweet of you, Arvid. Thanks.

Sure. Here you go.

Arvid, you are such a creep!

- Hi, Arvid. - Oh, hi, Mr. Moore.

Uh, you, uh, seen Eric?

- Oh, not since the fight. - What happened?

Uh, I looked up and-and Mr. Dorfman

had Eric in a headlock.

- That's all I know. - Scout's honor?

[sighs] Well, you play hardball.

Okay.

Mr. Dorfman was trying to teach us

about the International Monetary Fund.

Uh, but he kept messing up

and we had to correct a few of his mistakes.

But Eric didn't know when to stop.

Mr. Dorfman couldn't get a word in edgewise.

And all of a sudden, he just snapped.

He turned into the Hulk Hogan with a tie.

- Thanks, Arvid. - You have to go around if you--

Yeah, I will.

- Hi. - Hey.

Okay, let's talk.

I don't feel like it.

Well, you don't feel like talking, I'll talk.

Um, Mr. Dorfman's going through a rough time.

You knew it. You provoked him anyway.

Hey, he attacked me.

Oh, you weren't doing anything, right?

Alright, I ragged on him a little bit.

- But he deserves it. - Why?

He bugs me.

It's so easy to walk all over him.

- I feel it's my duty. - Oh.

This is a whole new Eric I'm listening to.

Hey, he's like my father.

He sees my shadow and he starts yellin' at me.

What about me?

You're the only teacher in this school

who ever has anything to say to me.

Ever occur to you to give Mr. Dorfman a break?

You know, give him a chance to teach his class.

Perhaps you might learn something from him.

I can't learn anything from the teachers in this school.

I mean, it's bad enough I'm stuck in the IHP

now I gotta put up with a lame-o like Dorfman?

I could teach a class better than him. Anybody could.

Excuse me, Mr. Moore, would this be a bad time

to ask if I could borrow $10?

Yes, it would.

Five dollars?

Why don't I just go?

Anything else you wanna talk about?

Yeah, a few things.

Uh, we'll save it for class tomorrow, okay?

- Fine. - Okay.

Uh, excuse me. Oh, uh, sure, sure.

Mr. Moore..

Ah, oh, just go..

I thought we'd begin today by discussing

how our culture reflects our politics.

And this is clearly evident in terms of the Cold War

and movies of the '50s and '60s.

'We have to ask ourselves how accurate were these films'

and what was the purpose.

'Did they reflect a legitimate fear of the Russians'

or did they contribute to it?

When you think about movies like "Behind The Curtain"

which most of you have probably

never stayed up late enough to see..

Um, see, can anybody think of a movie that speaks to this--

- '"Diplomatic Courier."' - '"Diplomatic Courier."'

- "I Married A Communist." - 'Yes.'

- "The Manchurian Candidate." - Mm-hmm. That's good--

There are also a lot of science fiction movies.

Science fiction.

Eric, why don't you take over and teach this section, huh?

You want me to teach the class?

That's right, I knew you wouldn't do it

when it came right down to it.

Well, no, no. Okay. You want it? Sure, okay.

- Come on, Eric. - Eric.

Why don't I sit down here for a change?

My name is Mr. Mardian..

...but you can call me by my first name.

Mister.

Now science fiction played a big part

in the paranoia of the times.

People were afraid of the unknown, the different.

'I mean, McCarthy was telling us'

'there was a communist under every bed.'

'So it was real easy to score big bucks with any movie'

that played upon that kind of fear.

The enemy could be your own girlfriend or your mother

like in the "Invasion Of The Body Snatchers."

"Invasion Of The Body Snatchers?"

[chuckles] Are you kidding?

- Wait, let me finish. - Why?

Because you may not know this, but there is a ton of opinion

that says "The Body Snatchers" is an allegory

of the Communists taking over America.

Imagine my chagrin.

Oh, you don't think "The Body Snatchers"

was intended to tell us something?

Yeah. Don't buy giant vegetables from Russia.

- Mr. Moore, what's going on? - What's going on?

A class. I think you should pay attention to the teacher.

Thank you.

Now even the writer

of "The Body Snatchers" knew the significance--

I, I get it, "The Body Snatchers," of course

and-and "The Blob," right?

Communist expansion.

"The Fly," perfect..

[imitates The Fly] Help me, I'm a communist.

Mr. Moore, you wanna let me get through this or not?

Mr. Moore, please?

I'm not able to follow what Eric is trying to teach.

Oh, I know what you mean, I can't make any sense

out of it either.

Mr. Moore, am I teaching this class or no?

Yeah.

So will you button it and let me teach?

Well, i-if you want me to shut up, just tell me to shut up.

Mr. Moore, shut up, okay?

- Okay. - 'Now this next--'

I will. I'm not gonna say another word.

- Will help me prove my point. - Question.

- What? - What is your point?

If you give me a chance, I'm gonna tell you.

Well, you-you had your chance.

I mean, you're up there, Mardian.

Okay. I get it.

This is all about Dorfman, right? Very good.

I'm not playing this game anymore.

Well, uh, you said you could teach a class.

- Why don't you teach it? - I can teach it.

But not with this noise coming at me.

No one said it was easy.

Uh, you're gonna wimp out?

Okay, let-let's get off science fiction.

We're gonna talk about the Bond movies, which is--

[humming]

I love it, you know. But it is gratuitous.

Sex and violence and gadgets and jokes and TNA.

I mean, I don't know how we're supposed to take

this guy seriously, really.

Mr. Moore, am I the teacher or not?

- Yes. - Okay.

Then get out of my class.

Why? I-I like it.

I mean, you're funny.

- I'm warning you. - You're warning me?

Alan, you better get the women and children under cover.

This hombre smells like trouble.

Mr. Moore, back off!

[laughs] You know, you're not just funny

you're also ridiculous.

I mean, you don't know diddly.

[all clamoring]

- I'm gonna-- - You're gonna what?

You're gonna hit me, right?

Look, I am not like that!

- Am I? - Well, you're close.

But I'm funnier.

Okay, look, I know I..

I've been a little rough on Dorfman, but the guy's a jerk!

Uh, Eric, Mr. Dorfman is just like you and me, you know?

He's got problems and he's trying to work 'em out.

But this is a turning point for him.

And you can just push him out of teaching forever.

Or you can turn him into the kind of monster teacher

that we all hate.

Hey, you can also help him become a better teacher

by trying to get what he's offering you.

So you got all the power here.

Now how are you gonna make it pay off for you?

I guess I owe Dorfman an apology.

I'll give you a tip.

When you offer it, try saying Mr. Dorfman.

I heard a commotion. Everything alright?

Yeah, uh, it's fine. Problem solved.

What problem?

Me and Mr. Dorfman, it's gonna be okay.

Was I right?

Give these classroom problems a little time.

They work themselves out.

- Dr. Samuels. - 'Yeah?'

You're a class by yourself.

Well, thank you.

It's not gonna work, Dennis.

- Of course, it will work. - I'm dubious.

Arvid, you need practice, I need money.

- Let's give it a shot. - Okay.

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