Original subtitles

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- Lori is alone now, Arvid. - Oh.

Go talk to her.

If you got the guts.

Yeah, I've got the guts.

Hi, Lori.

Oh, hi, Arvid.

- Is something wrong? - Yeah, uh, no.

Actually, I was just, I was just, uh..

- Ad-admiring your feet.

- What? - We-well, really..

I just was wondering

would you like me to take a test for you sometime?

Arvid, that's so sweet.

Hey, Lori, Daryl and I just saw you standing here all alone.

And we thought you might need some human company.

Arvid was talking to me.

I-i-it was an accident.

I was-I was standing here talking to myself

and-and-and she stepped in front of me.

Now, what's an Arvid?

This must be one right here.

(Arvid) 'Yes, I'm an Arvid.'

C-can you wait here one second?

This is the guy. This guy right here, officer.

Are you guys with him?

- No. - No.

Thank you. Thank you very much. Really.

Let's go.

Oh, hey, Eric, thanks.

I don't like anyone picking on you guys, except me.

- What happened? - Oh, nothing.

Just the usual "Pick on the egg-head" routine.

Does that happen often?

Only on those days when I leave the house.

Those people make me so sick, I mean, they treat us

like we're weirdos or something.

Although they do help lower the grading curve.

What people?

Lori's boyfriend and the rest of those jerks

on the basketball team.

You've seen them, the ones with the big letters

on their jackets to help them remember the alphabet.

Sounds like we're doing a little stereotyping of our own here.

And you're speaking about these people

as though they're not human beings.

[scoffs] Biologically, yes.

Humanistically, the jury's still out.

It's your basic eternal conflict "Nerds versus the jocks."

Right, it's as old as the Arcadians versus the Sumerians.

Or the Impressionist versus the French academy.

The Newtonians versus the Leibnizians.

Hm, why nobody ever mentions

the ranchers versus the sheepherders anymore.

Let's face it, Mr. Moore, athletes, athletics

it's all basically pointless.

You can definitely count me amongst those

who don't wanna do anything for the Gipper.

Whatever happened to the ideal

of a sound mind and a sound body?

I mean, that goes all the way back to the Ancient Greeks.

Yeah, but the Ancient Greeks didn't get

towels snapped at them when they got out of the shower.

Yeah, thank God, we only see the athletes in the halls now.

Oh, what happens in Phys Ed?

It's not a problem.

[scoffs] If you get along with them in the gym

why can't you get along with them in the hallways?

We don't take gym.

You don't take gym?

(all) No.

- 'None of you?' - No.

Huh, call me goofy, but I thought

that P.E. was a requirement for graduation.

We're special.

In Dr. Samuels' words "Our time is too valuable

to waste sweating."

So, he approved our medical excuses.

- What's wrong with you? - Well, he gave us a choice.

We can either have flat feet or hernias.

I took both.

I mean, a-a-and this is okay with you?

I mean, the only exercise you get is opening books

and sharpening pencils?

I swim at the Ivy League Club every Wednesday.

- For exercise. - No.

Connections.

I plan to take up jogging in a few years.

Please, not on the streets. We got enough potholes.

This is ridiculous!

If you're not taking P.E.

I-I think you'd wanna spend a couple

of afternoons a week in the gym

just getting some exercise.

Oh, well, we can't. A teacher has to be present.

- You got it? - What?

- What? - I'll do it.

I will make the supreme sacrifice.

I'll stay after school with you.

- It's not necessary. - You don't have to do it.

Nice idea, Mr. Moore, but I don't think you can find a game

that's co-ed, non-violent and doesn't require

thousands of dollars of heavy equipment.

Volleyball anyone?

(all) Oh!

Great! I'll see you after school tomorrow in the gym.

Bring some sneakers and, uh, whatever

you think you'd wear in a gym.

Good.

Okay, uh..

Dennis, do you wanna try stretching?

Please, Mr. Moore, some of us may wanna have children.

Okay, uh, before we get started, does anybody have any questions?

Only one. Do we've to get started?

(Charlie) Yes.

Now, does anybody know anything about volleyball?

I do, volleyball is a six-a-side court game

invented in the United States in 1895

in which an inflated ball is hit with the hands or arms.

The rules are fairly simple and I have a few changes

that I would like to suggest.

Oh, thank you, Janice. Maybe later.

Uh, Jawaharlal, join us, please.

Okay, uh, Alan swims.

Uh, has anyone else ever played any sport?

I took a tennis lesson once.

Okay. Uh, the two of you are captains.

Darlene, you pick first.

I pass.

I'll take Eric.

(Alan) 'Sarah.'

(Darlene) 'Jawaharlal.'

(Alan) 'Maria.'

Dennis.

(Alan) 'Simone.'

[whispering] Janice.

Janice.

What? This is volleyball.

I-if you haven't noticed I'm a foot taller than she is.

Okay, okay, let's, uh, let's try a volley.

Your team's over there, Darlene.

Alan, you guys are over here. Spread out.

Cover the court, okay?

Give me that ball! Get over there.

Let's go. Heads up now.

[instrumental music]

Oh, this is worse than gym.

Now I'm being humiliated on a voluntary basis.

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Good one!

Real good.

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Yeah.

Uh, Dr. Samuels..

I, uh, wanted to talk to you about this gym situation.

What gym situation?

Well, my-my IHP class says none of them take gym.

♪ Pa-pa-pam-pam-pam-pam-pam-pam pam-pam-pam-pam-pam ♪♪

Mr. Moore, this is a school matter.

There is a time and a place for this discussion.

Wouldn't that place be school?

Mr. Moore, stick with History.

Leave gym to the experts.

Physical Education is not for everybody.

I've never, uh, exercised a day in my life.

It's hard to believe.

Listen, Mr. Moore, it's bad enough

that you meddle with their minds.

Don't meddle with their bodies.

Well, I'll just go back to doing what I do best.

Whatever that is.

- Hi, Lori. - Hi.

Hey, listen, I was thinking if you weren't busy Friday

we could go to a Broadway show, a cup of coffee

maybe a movie after, uh, dinner like Harness Wrestling.

- "Harness Wrestling?" - Uh, "Harness Racing."

Sounds good, Arvid, but can you afford all that?

Hey, I-I won't go to college.

Sorry, Arvid.

But I like the way you came right out

and asked me this time.

Yeah, well, uh, I don't know.

I've been kinda getting in touch with my body lately.

So, I figured, well, you know

maybe my body could, you know

get in touch with your body and, uh..

- Arvid. - And then we--

[chuckles] Did I hear what I just thought I heard?

Barry, leave him alone.

Oh, sure, Lori.

I don't know, why I'm messing around

with this four-eyed freak of nature.

Oh, yeah, well, for your information

I happen to be a part of a pretty hot volleyball team.

- Oh! - A what?

We're looking for a game.

Are you serious?

Uh, yeah.

You want it? You got it. Tomorrow after school.

Be there.

- Tomorrow? - Yeah.

- Uh, tomorrow good for you? - Yeah.

Uh, how about you? Tomorrow okay?

Fine.

Okay.

You're on. Tomorrow!

Yeah, I-I-I-I'm flexible if you..

[instrumental music]

- You what? - I couldn't help it.

They had me backed into a corner.

You just made a new scientific discovery.

The mouth is quicker than the brain.

Arvid, I can't even believe you did that.

- Well, let me just explain. - The answer is no.

[stuttering] You didn't hear the question.

I don't have to, if you wanna challenge

the basketball team to a volleyball game

play them yourself.

I-I did this for our honor.

No, you did this for a date with Lori.

That would be an honor.

I think we should stand behind Arvid.

I-I mean, when they insult him

they insult each and every one of us.

- She's right. She is. - Yeah.

And after we play them they'll have one more thing

to insult us about.

Wait a minute. We're not that bad.

Actually, we made a rather good start yesterday.

Yeah, you all got your sneakers on the right feet.

Wait a minute. Listen to me for a second.

We're all high achievers.

And we've the definite advantage

because we can do one thing

that those jockstrappers can't do.

We can think.

Can I say something?

Are you people missing some chromosomes?

We'll get annihilated out there.

You see, this could work to our advantage.

They're so overconfident, they're bound to blow it.

It's only if they didn't think they could cream us

that they could cream us.

Come on, what do you say?

I don't believe I'm saying this

but Arvid might be right.

I don't believe you saying it either.

Well, hold on, we're not thinking about this properly.

Volleyball is a game of strategy and not muscle, right?

- Right. - Right.

Well, if it takes strategy to win

who can out strategize us?

I see it. I see it.

The basketball team looks better in tank tops

but we've got the brain power.

- We can do it. - Yeah, we can do it. Come on.

[bell ringing]

Good morning, everybody.

Good morning, Mr. Moore.

- Mr. Moore. - Yes.

Arvid got us a volleyball game

with the basketball team.

Whoa, sounds like fun.

You guys friends now?

No, we're gonna get even.

- Get even? - Revenge, Mr. Moore.

Whole calculated revenge.

For years of name calling, humiliation..

- What else? - Indignities.

"Indignities."

Well, uh, correct me if I'm wrong and I'm sure you will.

But, uh, wasn't that Machiavelli who said

"In order to exact revenge one has to win?"

We thought of that, Mr. Moore.

You haven't seen us in action.

You've been seeing the academic Olympics

speech and debate competitions, science fairs.

- We are winners. - Yeah.

We don't know how to lose.

Besides, American mythology and popular culture

tells us the underdog always wins.

Horatio Alger, Walter Mitty,

"Rocky" one through four.

"The little engine that could."

That's mythology. I'll give you history.

It's, uh, "Custer's Last Stand."

"The Alamo."

"The Air Traffic Controllers."

"Mondale."

- Alright. - No, no, no, no.

All we've to do is to buy us a strategy

that will optimize our abilities

while neutralizing theirs, simple.

What about a little thing like knowing how to play?

They've books for that stuff.

What about being in shape?

It's all up here, Mr. Moore. We can do it.

I can't wait for the opening throw up.

- When is this game? - Tomorrow.

- Can you be there? - To be a coach?

Oh, we can't use the gym unless a faculty member is present.

Well, given that and your obvious enthusiasm

I feel honored, I feel proud and I feel somewhat trapped.

Great! Practice today after school.

- Oh, yeah. - We're gonna do it!

[knocking on door]

You wanted to see me?

Mr. Moore, I'd like a word with you.

Just one?

- Volleyball, Mr. Moore. - That's three.

You told me you were through with your athletic program.

Now there's rumors of a big game.

So, I've heard.

Heard, Mr. Moore or instigated?

Arvid challenged the jocks to a volleyball game.

Why?

Well, it's an old story.

- Remember the Trojan war? - Yeah.

Same thing.

Refresh me.

Two guys. One girl.

I knew this would happen.

They're delicate instruments.

Amateur shouldn't be tampering with them.

They're supposed to be getting ready for an academic meet

instead they're obsessed with volleyball.

No, they're obsessed with winning.

That's because they're winners.

Let's stick a pin into volleyball, okay?

I don't know, Dr. Samuels

it maybe a little too late for that.

- See that plaque up there? - Yeah.

It says "Principal."

No, it doesn't.

- Yes, it does. - No, it doesn't.

- Yes, it does. - 'No.'

Janice, great, look, I found this in the library.

It's called "Winning through intimidation."

- Perfect. - Intimidation. Look at this.

My SAT scores.

Okay, smile everybody, we're gonna be

on "Wide World of Wimps."

What's that for?

Why, I thought I'd tape the practice

then you can take a look at yourselves.

Okay, everybody, you're ready to have some fun?

(all) Yeah!

What do you mean fun? We're here to win.

- Take no prisoners. - That's right.

IHP. First Blood. Take one.

- Whoa. - Show me some action.

Alright, servicing my side.

- Let's throw the ball. - Let's do it.

- Watch this, Mr. Moore. - Watching.

- Whoa. - Yeah.

[instrumental music]

Okay, everybody, here it is. Yesterday's practice tape.

- 'Whoa.' - 'Alright, put it on.'

Yeah, let's see what those jocks have in store for them.

Yeah, come on.

[indistinct chatter]

Oh!

Oh!

Nice miss, Darlene.

- She was in my way. - Okay, okay.

There's nobody there to get my pass.

You kicked me!

Oh, get under it, get under it.

- Oh! - Ouch.

- Oh. - Damn!

Oh, my goodness!

Mr. Moore, did you edit out our good stuff?

This is your good stuff.

Are we really that bad, Mr. Moore?

[chuckles] Yes, you are.

I think, maybe we better have another practice.

- Yeah. - That's a good idea.

It's about three minutes till game time.

Which means it's time for my pep talk.

Pep talk? It's gonna be a disaster.

- Embarrassing. - A nightmare.

Come on, you're gonna go out there

something very exciting is gonna happen.

You're gonna lose.

That's exciting?

Yes, you've never done it before.

It's not because you didn't try hard.

It's not because you're not smart.

You're gonna lose because they know

really how to play.

Uh, you call this a pep talk?

I call it the truth.

I mean, you maybe brilliant

but you're in over your heads.

Look, you take the smartest chicken in the world

and you put it in a cage with the world's dumbest lion

you got instant McNuggets.

- Right. - We-we don't have a chance.

What's the point, we're just gonna lose.

Oh, another psychological scar.

Now, wait. Wait.

Just take another look at yourselves here.

Oh, Janice, I'm sorry I landed on you.

It's okay.

Watch, this is where Dennis, uh..

Look there, we look like three girls in one outfit.

Hey, hey, look at this one.

[laughing]

Mr. Moore, that was so much fun.

Yeah, fun and exercise.

And it was nice when you turned into a team to help Arvid.

But then you, uh, you had to get into revenge.

Competition.

You forgot all about cooperation

which can be fulfilling

and a lot more fun as you just observed.

So, in these final fleeting moments

before your humiliating defeat

let me give you a little tip. Just go out there and have fun.

Just play the game.

Enjoy yourselves and when it's over, be gracious.

Shake their hands. Thank them for a good game.

They won't know what hit them.

Okay, now you've worked hard. You've done very well.

And I'm proud of you.

So, go out there and get your butts kicked.

Yeah.

- Alright. IHP! - IHP!

[all chanting] IHP, IHP, IHP..

[instrumental music]

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No. Oh, God. It's Lori.

I don't want her to see me after yesterday's fiasco.

Wh-what's the matter? I mean, you did just fine.

I think you probably impressed Lori.

How? By hitting the ball with my face?

That took guts and imagination, okay.

Say hello to her if you want.

You know what, you're right.

[sighing]

Well, go ahead.

Now?

Okay.

Eh, hey, Barry. Great game!

You guys were beautiful. Learned a lot.

Lori...later.

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