Original subtitles

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[indistinct chatter]

- Morning. - Oh, hi, Charlie.

- Moving in, huh? - No. Why?

The tulip. You're, uh, you're moving in.

No, this is not a moving-in tulip.

This is a teaching-economics tulip.

Mm. Last week a baby crocodile, this week a tulip?

You must lie awake nights thinking of stuff like this.

Well, this and Cybill Shepherd.

- You're getting involved. - No, I'm not getting involved.

I'm a substitute. I know better.

Mr. Moore, I wonder if you'd mind

stepping into my office for a moment?

There's something I'd like to share with you.

Well, if it's the lunch your wife fixed for you

I think you should be man enough to eat it yourself.

Please join me.

I'm happy to announce that today is the first day

of your last week in the rest of my life.

I didn't quite follow that, Dr. Samuels.

Mr. Thomas, the teacher you've been subbing for

will be back and starting next week.

So soon?

Just in time.

As of next Monday, I won't have to put up

with your weird teaching, your undermining my authority

your perverted sense of humor

and your subversion of my honors program.

Perhaps this would be a good time

to tell you what I think of you.

On the other hand, let me just say

you filled in adequately, you kept the class occupied

nobody got hurt.

I'm not going to go as far as to say

there will always be a job for you, but--

Spare me. Uh, do the kids know?

- I haven't had the pleasure. - I'd like to tell them.

Be my guest.

Think of it as your final history lesson.

Just walk in there and say I'm history.

[indistinct chatter]

What? Where did you hear that?

Come on, Arvid, it's only a rumor.

Well, it's-it's not a rumor.

My-my father's on the school board. He told me.

- When is it going to happen? - I heard next week.

First, Mr. Thomas is gone and now Mr. Moore is leaving.

I'm getting separation anxiety again.

- Does Mr. Moore know? - I-I don't think so.

- Maybe we should tell him. - I don't do bad news.

I just think it might be nicer if he heard it from us.

I mean, we're all gonna miss him, right?

Yeah, but is he gonna miss us?

Believe me, he will be thrilled

to be released from the nerd world.

Maybe we should all just play dumb.

I think Arvid's right. We shouldn't tell him. Agreed?

(all) Agreed.

[bell rings]

- Good morning. - Goodbye.

Well, I guess the cat's out of the bag, huh?

- You know already? - We're really sorry, Mr. Moore.

More than sorry.

Well, let me tell you a little anecdote.

Uh, this one's about Mookie Wilson.

The 28th president.

But I think Woodrow Wilson deserves

a little bit more respect than to be called Mookie.

Baseball, Alan. The Mook man?

Center fielder for the Mets.

Well, uh, it's first week spring training

and, uh, Mook catches a ball in the eye

so he's out for six weeks

and they bring in a center fielder

from the minor leagues, I mean, and this replacement knows

that he's just keepin' center field warm

till the old Mook returns.

'So Mookie's better, he comes back.'

He says, "Thanks, man. I'll take it from here."

'So no hard feelings.'

He's just a guy doin' his job.

Do you understand what I'm getting at?

Even though you're just standin' there, I miss you already.

Oh, well, that's very sweet, Maria.

You know, all the other substitutes

have been really dumb.

You're not half as dumb as they were.

Half a thank you, Janice.

There is an old Hindi saying.

[speaking in Hindi]

It means, may the road rise up to meet you

may the wind be at your back and until we meet again

may God hold you in the palm of his hand.

Well, that's very beautiful.

But isn't that an old Irish saying?

Picky, picky.

Uh, w-what is that in English?

It is English. Picky, picky.

Well, I'm, I'm gonna miss all of you too.

You're a great group of kids

and I'm grateful for the opportunity to have known you.

But we still have a whole week together

so let's enjoy it, okay?

We'll try, Mr. Moore

but we're all gonna feel a little misty-eyed.

Well, thank you.

But believe me, next Monday Mr. Thomas will be standing here

and it will be as though he never left.

Okay, let's get started.

Now what does this simple plant, the tulip

have to do with the great stock market crash of 1929?

[indistinct chatter]

Excuse me, Mr. Moore. Everybody, surprise!

(all) Mr. Thomas!

[chuckles] Janice.

- Hello, my dear. - You look so good.

- 'Good to see you, Mr. Thomas.' - 'Good to see you.'

- 'You look wonderful.' - 'You look good, Sarah.'

- It's good to see you. - Good to see you.

- Namaste, sir. - Namaste.

You don't look so bad.

You don't look so bad yourself.

Eric.

Mr. Thomas, this is Mr. Moore. He's been sitting in for you.

I won't say he's been your replacement

because you can't be replaced.

(Mr. Thomas) Delighted to meet you, Mr. Moore.

Well, I'm glad to see you're feeling better.

Thank you. So is my insurance company.

We weren't expecting you until next week.

Well, I'm not here officially.

I'm just sort of walking around the pool

getting ready to dive back in.

I wanna thank you for all your wonderful get-well cards.

Did you guess which one was mine?

Yes, Janice.

No one else would write me a get-well card

in Egyptian hieroglyphics.

Did you like the part where they were taking

the mummy's brains out through his nose?

Well, actually, they were doing something like that to me

at the time.

But my doctors had a good laugh.

So tell me, how have you been doing in the Academic Olympics?

- Perfect, sir. We're 8 and 0. - Great.

Although we did have to win one in triple overtime.

- At the buzzer. - Yeah, I was weak at the knees.

Really? Eric was there?

No, I read all about it in "Dorks Illustrated."

[Thomas laughs]

Well, you all look wonderful.

And I can't wait till next week.

Neither can I. Neither can anybody.

Moore, I wanna thank you for allowing me

to borrow a few minutes of your class time.

- Anytime. - Thank you.

Till Monday.

- Bye, Mr. Thomas. - Goodbye, Mr. Thomas.

Great to have him back. Isn't it, gang?

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, um, gee, sorry, Mr. Moore.

Yeah, it's just that we hadn't seen him--

It's okay.

I mean, he seems like a great guy

and it was obviously great for you to see him.

You have a great rapport and it's great.

Uh, don't feel guilty because you like Mr. Thomas.

You should.

If you didn't, I couldn't leave here feeling so great.

- Morning. - Oh, hi, Charlie.

I hear that you met Mr. Thomas yesterday.

Yeah. Seems like a nice guy.

The kids really like him.

Personally, I-I don't think that he's that great.

Well, alright, he is great. He is, but just--

Uh, Bernadette, it's okay.

I'm.. Uh, I'm really gonna miss the kids.

I got into teaching this time and I really liked it.

Okay, it's over. I can live with it.

Um, are you sure that that's all, Charlie?

What else could it be? I mean, Bernadette, I'm fine.

I'm happy to move over for Mr. Thomas.

He seems like a, a very nice man.

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The first day, he really threw me.

He said that baseball caused the Cuban Missile Crisis.

- Seriously? - It really shook me up.

Ah, Alan, you haven't changed.

Actually, I think I've loosened up quite a bit.

Yeah. Every Wednesday he doesn't wear a necktie.

- 'Oh, boy.' - It was just an experiment.

Well, talk about loosened up.

I went to a dance and I, I liked it.

Well, next time I may actually dance.

[chuckles]

He had this really crazy way

of explaining the Spanish Civil War.

You, too, Eric?

If you're interested in that stuff.

Well, he always teaches us these things

that sound weird at first

but then makes sense if you think about them.

Well, a very wise man once said

"Smart is believing only half of what you hear.

Genius is being able to figure out which half."

Morning, everybody. Listen, I had a great..

Mr. Thomas.

Oh, I beg your pardon, Mr. Moore.

I was just looking for some of my old lesson plans.

Go right ahead. Well, it's been your desk for years.

I've just been subletting.

I don't mean to encroach upon your time

but the students and I fell into conversation.

I understand, really.

[bell rings]

Well, have fun.

Yeah, thanks.

Where was I?

Excuse me, I forgot just one thing.

[instrumental music]

Well, maybe Mr. Thomas can help us.

I'll try. What's the problem?

Well, we can't think of the right going-away present

for Mr. Moore.

Well, what are his interests?

- Right, the theater. - Oh, sure.

There you have it.

If I were he, I would enjoy

a video cassette of a great play.

That way, whenever he watches it, he'll think of you.

Mr. Thomas, that's a great idea.

You always have great ideas.

I knew you'd come through for us.

- Oh, hi, Mr. Moore. - Hi.

Uh, the ladies and I were, uh, sharing memories

about some of the more fiercely fought battles

in the Academic Olympics.

Of course. War is hell, isn't it?

[bell rings]

Why is this plant so significant?

Well, we have to start with the idea

that anything people consider valuable

is based on something else people consider valuable.

So in the case of..

Come in. Mr. Thomas.

- I hate to bother you, but-- - Oh, it's quite alright.

I just wanted to leave these with the students

but I can do it another time.

No, no, go right ahead.

Alan, would you take one, please, and pass them on?

Sure.

It's just a little reading list

for my lesson on Monday.

Oh, please, go ahead with yours.

No, by all means, you finish what you're doing.

What is this, Mr. Rogers meets Bambi?

This is quite a list.

Well, on Monday, we'll be discussing

what these books have in common.

"Fahrenheit 451," "The Scopes Trial"

"Catcher In The Rye," "Areopagitica."

We've read most of these.

Mr. Thomas, if next week's class is about censorship

we've already covered it with Mr. Moore.

Oh, really?

Seemed like such a natural.

- Hi, Charlie. - Good morning.

Oh, I need you to sign these forms.

- You okay? - Okay? I'm thrilled.

I can hardly wait to get outta here.

- Two more days and I'm free. - Oh, yeah?

Yeah, as matter of fact, I'm not only getting out of here

I'm getting out of New York for a week.

- Mm. - You know, the Caribbean.

Club Med deal.

Any place where I can lose the taste of trot from my mouth.

Good morning, Mr. Moore. Lovely day.

[bell rings]

Charlie, you know, there-there are some people

that are gonna miss you around here.

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Behold, the humble tulip.

[chuckling]

Not so humble if we are magically transported

back to Holland in the 17th century..

[knock on door]

Come in, Mr. Thomas.

- How did you know it was I? - Oh, just a lucky guess.

Well, don't mind me.

I just wanna get something from a book here.

Oh, please, go right ahead as though I were not here.

- Tulip-- - From the Turkish.

Turban where it originally came from.

Good.

By the early 1600s

this little beauty had become the standard

by which the entire economy of Holland was measured.

This is absolutely true.

People decided that all you needed was tulip bulbs

in order to get rich and you could get richer quicker

if you bought and sold tulip bulbs

on the commodities market.

So people mortgaged their homes.

They sold their wooden shoes.

They rented out canals.

Anything just to get into that market.

And at its peak, the record price for a single tulip bulb

in today's money was close to two million dollars.

- Really? - No way.

- That's crazy. Why tulips? - Why platinum?

- Why gold? Why diamonds? - But it's just a flower.

Not just a flower, Alan. It's a tulip.

So what? I mean, look at it. It's nothing.

Now unfortunately

somebody in Holland said those very words.

And then somebody else said, "You know, he's right."

Everybody panicked.

The entire economy started to collapse.

I mean, people were jumping out of their windmills.

Holland went straight into what was called

The Great Tulip Depression

and it stayed there for 20 years.

[sighs] That's ridiculous.

I mean, Americans wouldn't flip out over tulips.

In 1929, we flipped out over paper.

You see, the underlying reasons

for any major economic disaster

are really simple human psychology.

It's, uh, greed followed by panic.

Doesn't make any difference whether it's tulip bulbs

or stocks or bonds or baseball cards.

Oh, of course.

That's the purpose of fiscal regulations.

To protect us from mass hysteria.

[bell rings]

Exactly.

We'll get to those regulations tomorrow.

- Hello, Mr. Thomas. - See you, Mr. Thomas.

- Bye, dear. - Bye, Mr. Thomas.

- Bye. - Bye.

Glad to catch you alone finally.

I wanted to say something about your teaching.

- Oh, please, Mr. Thomas. - Uh, call me Vernon.

- Sure, Vernon, but-- - Mind if I call you Charlie?

You can call me whatever you want.

Just please don't give me any notes on my teaching.

I may be strange, maybe different.

Maybe you think I'm not good enough

but I'm pretty good.

Now on Monday, they're yours.

Until then, they're still mine.

And so tomorrow I would like to teach without interruption.

If that's not asking too much.

I have another class to teach here. You leave.

- All I wanted to say-- - Please!

Very well.

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[indistinct chatter]

Mr. Moore, what are you doing here on time?

- 'Early.' - Oh, you surprised us.

We were suppose to surprise you.

Should've warned me.

Well, surprise.

(all) Surprise!

Oh, gee, for me?

Is this man an actor or what?

Thanks.

Here's your gift.

It's from all of us, but I picked it out.

[bell rings]

Well, I guess this is it.

Our last class together.

I'm already starting to cry and it hasn't even started yet.

Well, I hope I was able to teach you..

[all chuckling]

I know you taught me something very special

or at least you reminded me of it.

Teaching can an exciting and rewarding..

[scoffs]

You know, I, I walked in here a few weeks ago

and I started making demands that you be honest

and share your feelings and thoughts about things and..

For the last week, I haven't been doing that.

I should be thrilled that you're being reunited

with a truly fine teacher.

Someone you deserve.

And instead, I feel a loss.

I just keep thinkin' about that guy

that had to leave center field when Mookie Wilson came back.

I don't know if he said anything, but

I think I know what he felt.

Well, I was just startin' to really enjoy this.

Damn it. I'm sorry, I have to leave.

Because this team was starting to show some real potential.

'I've taught a lot of kids'

and I don't think that I have ever in my..

[knock on door]

...entire career been interrupted so frequently.

- I'm sorry to interrupt. - Do you mind?

- It's important. - I'm sure that it is.

But if you'll just give me one more moment

the rest of their high school days will be all yours.

I don't think so.

- What? - Wait, what?

Christopher Marlowe said

"Nature does teaches us all to have aspiring minds.

'Still climbing after knowledge infinite."'

He was, of course, referring to you.

Anatole France wrote

"The art of teaching is the art of awakening

"the natural curiosity of young minds

for the purpose of satisfying that curiosity."

I hope he was referring to me.

I know he was referring to Mr. Moore.

Which brings me to my little confession.

I'm not really a pest, Mr. Moore.

Forgive me for disrupting your class

but you see, I was, as they say, checking you out.

I can't tell you what a relief it is to know I can retire.

[indistinct chatter]

- Retire? - Retire?

You mean you're not comin' back?

I hadn't planned to.

But Dr. Samuels called me everyday

to tell me that you were destroying the honors class.

Well, he was wrong.

In the Talmud, it is written find thyself a teacher.

Well, my dear friends, it seems you have.

In the "Village Voice" classifieds

it will be written wanna buy a cheap ticket to Club Med?

[laughs] No. I shall first visit Egypt.

The palace of Ramesses III, which is also topless.

[all laughing]

- Well, Vernon. - Thank you.

You're a difficult man to follow, but..

...I feel honored to take a shot.

Thank you, Charlie.

We hope you remember us whenever you watch this.

Janice, how sweet.

"Eraserhead."

I was hoping for "Henry V."

Janice.

Well, they didn't have "Henry V."

So I thought "Eraserhead" would be suitable for a teacher.

Oh, Janice, it's alright. I love it.

A joyous day for the IHP.

The teacher's teacher returns.

Mr. Moore, I know we've had our differences

but to demonstrate that I have no hard feelings

I offer you heartfelt good wishes for your next job

'and present you with these lovely, uh'

Fillmore High School cufflinks.

Mr. Thomas, Monday.

Mr. Moore..

...Godspeed.

Hit the road, Jack.

Why spoil his weekend?

[laughs]

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