Original subtitles

[theme music]

[music continues]

[upbeat music]

- Good morning, Dennis. - Good morning, Jawaharlal.

[gasping]

- Good morning, Eric. - Hey, Jaws.

Uh, Dennis

have you seen my notebook?

Uh, what notebook?

[school bell rings]

- Good morning, everybody. - Good morning.

- Good morning. - Okay, let's get right to work.

[snaps fingers]

Mr. Moore, if you keep doing this

he's never gonna develop a sense of humor.

I'll risk it.

Okay, uh..

...I've noticed in this class

uh, we have a tendency to get sidetracked.

Now, I know that I'm partially responsible.

Partially?

Well, it's not always my fault.

Uh, let's just all keep that in mind, okay?

Now, uh, yesterday we were talking

about the fact that history isn't just what happened

it's also who told us what happened?

So, truth and history.

Now, I realize that it's sometimes hard to see

the connection between these words.

You take the case of Theodore Roosevelt.

He.. Arvid.

Um, Mr. Moore, I, I think I see

the connection between the two words.

Well, th-the last letter of the first word is the 'H.'

And-and, and the first letter of the second word is an 'H.'

The second to the first letter of the first word is an 'R'

and the second to the last letter

of the second word is an 'R.'

The fourth letter of both word is a 'T.'

Which it does, it gives us matching combinations

of H-H, R-R, T-T.

Which when said quickly sounds like hurt

and that's the connection.

When it comes to history, the truth hurts.

[chuckles]

(Charlie) Very good, Arvid.

Well, to get back to what I was saying

or we can say it Arvid's way

"The truth hurts."

Now, in the case of Teddy Roosevelt

in San Juan Hill.. Sarah.

Let's get a little more contemporary, Mr. Moore.

'Listen to these headlines.'

"The Times."

"Waldheim elected President of Austria

despite World War II allegations."

"The Daily Post." "Nazi wins."

[laughing]

"The Midnight Star."

"Psychic says, Kurt killed Elvis."

[laughing]

And thank you, Sarah.

So, there we have three extreme versions

of the same event.

And that's something that newspapers will do.

Particularly in a society like ours

that supports a free press.

Now, in the case of Theodore Roosevelt

the Hearst's.. Alan?

I see your point about newspapers and a free press.

Well, you're saying what those so called reporters

Woodward and Bernstein

did to Mr. Nixon was clearly irresponsible

and, well, let's face it, shabby.

That's not my point, my-my point is that history

is not always the truth.

Excuse me, Mr. Moore but I've been thinking

about two words myself.

Who cares?

I mean, truth, history, bananas

hot fudge, i-it's all the same.

You guys take things too seriously.

Is there a point to this, Dennis?

Alright. San Juan Hill.

Yeah, maybe it wasn't Teddy Roosevelt

who charged up that hill.

Maybe it was Eleanor Roosevelt.

But who cares, I mean..

We're here, we're gone, lighten up.

Dennis, that is the dumbest thing you've ever said.

And we've known you since you were six.

That's not the dumbest, the dumbest is when he tried

to get on the "David Letterman Show"

by saying he was a tap-dancing sumo wrestler.

[laughing]

No, no, no, the dumbest is when

we were at the International Science Fair

and he told people he was defecting from Poland.

[laughing]

I was bored. Anyway, what difference does it make?

But.. Yes, Dennis. Life is a joke.

It's one of my all-time favorite cliches.

Now, if we could just get back to..

What was I talking about?

Woodward and Bernstein.

No, it wasn't, I..

But while we're on this subject..

Yes, Alan, uh, newspapers

sometimes are pretty rough on people.

That's the price we pay for a free press.

- Oxymoron. - And I lose control.

- Janice? - You can't pay for free press.

It's an oxymoron. A phrase that contradicts itself.

Yeah, it's like, military intelligence.

Brilliant, Mr. Moore.

There's another one.

Thank you, Janice.

If we could just get back to what I'm trying to teach.

Sure thing, Mr. Moore.

Hey, you know me. I'm not one to interrupt.

- Teddy Roosevelt in.. - Mister, um..

Mr. Moore, aren't you supposed to be

the lunch room monitor today?

No, I'm excused. I-I guessed last Friday's mystery meat.

Mr. Moore.

Hi, remember me?

Uh, the Palladium, we danced till dawn?

Stop stalling, Dennis.

Where's your story for the school paper?

Okay, I haven't written it

but I promise you're gonna love it.

- It's my funniest yet. - What is it?

Uh..

An exclusive interview with Doctor Samuels' dog.

He tells all.

That's funny?

Darlene, he's seen Doctor Samuels naked.

What could be funnier than that?

Dennis, I guess you just don't

wanna write for the school paper.

Oh, what do you mean? Of course, I do.

Come on, I'm the funniest guy in the school.

I gotta write for the paper.

Besides, I need it for my college applications.

Okay, but interview someone at the school.

Alright, no problem. I'll interview Mr. Moore.

Charlie, my bud.

Great, but not some typical boring teacher interview.

No, I promise, this one will be different.

You'll love it.

I'd better.

[barking]

[instrumental music on stereo]

[knocking on door]

You're early.

Naomi?

(Dennis) 'No, it's Dennis.'

- 'From your honors class?' - Who is it?

(Dennis) 'I'm the large portly one.'

That Dennis.

Okay.

- Hi. How are you? - Hi, Mr. Moore. Okay.

Hey, I hope I'm not disturbing you.

[sniffs] Nice, smells good.

Uh, listen, this is kind of embarrassing.

Could I use your phone?

I have to call home.

Uh, sure, be my guest.

Thanks.

Nice place you got here. Really.

Uh, hi, mom. Yeah, it's me.

So what, you think you and dad are going

uh, fifteen rounds or ten tonight?

I'm kid-I'm kid.. Ma, it's a joke.

'Mom?'

My own mom, can't even take a joke.

Well, what's going on?

Uh, she and my dad get into these fights

I-I don't like to go home till they're over.

- Sounds pretty serious. - Uh, it's in our blood.

- Hey, we're a volatile people. - You're Italian?

Swiss.

I'm kidding. Sometimes it helps.

Uh, listen, I-I know this is gonna sound a little forward

but could I borrow 30 bucks?

What, what is going on, Dennis?

I thought I'd get a hotel room. Do you like the Waldorf?

- Is 30 bucks enough? - No.

I'll skip room service.

- I'm kidding. - You-you really can't go home?

[sighs]

No.

You sure?

Alright, tell you what.

Fifteen bucks, I'll get a room at the Y.

You don't have anywhere else to go?

I've tried the bus station, but ugly people

keep trying to use me as a pillow.

Right, let's just cut through this, Dennis, uh..

You wanna talk?

[sighs] Hey, my timing's off.

That says dinner for two.

I better get out of here.

Alright, Dennis, uh, sit down.

Mr. Moore, I don't wanna disrupt your evening.

No problem. Simple phone call.

Naomi will understand, maybe.

Well, I really appreciate this, Mr. Moore.

You know, this could really help me get things off my mind.

You know, we can talk, watch TV, play cards.

Sure, Dennis, it's more or less what I planned to do with Naomi.

'Hi, ah, it's Ch..'

'Well, something has come up actually.'

'Uh, it's kinda difficult, it's one of my students.'

Well, tomorrow night, I promise, okay?

I.. It's just..

You eat like this all the time?

No, uh.. When I'm alone, I don't bother with the candles.

I might have a lesser wine.

Oh, and I think we should let this breathe.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

You have to be a blonde to drink this.

Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Moore, you know

you really don't need me messin' up your life.

No, it's quite alright, Dennis, I don't mind.

Uh, but, I must say

I think you and your parents have some real problems

that, uh, need to be dealt with.

You're right.

You're right.

Could I...have another slice of salmon mousse?

You ever been in trouble?

You know, like with the police?

- No. - Come on.

You can level with me.

Well, once, uh..

Back in the '60s, you know, it was an anti-war rally.

The cops charged us with night sticks.

We showed them just how effective non-violence can be.

How'd you do that?

We ran like hell.

Whatever your most embarrassing moment was

- I could top it. - Don't be too sure.

- Alright, you go first. - Well, it's, uh, 1969.

I'm just starting out as an actor.

I'm working for peanuts, you know, and I

I get a role in "Hare."

So, there's a nude scene.

I'm a little nervous, but..

...I take off my clothes and I dance out on stage.

Unfortunately, it's the wrong scene.

That is major embarrassment.

No, major embarrassment was that no one applauded.

Well, divorce, marriage.

- You've been there, right? - Uh, yeah.

It's all part of life, Dennis.

Was yours a bad one?

Did you catch her with somebody?

Dennis!

We were young, out-of-work actors

it couldn't get much worse.

And then her sister moved in with us.

I hated her, she hated me.

My wife grew to hate both of us.

I know.

I saw it on "The Colby's."

I know you don't like Dr. Samuels.

I mean, let's get real.

Well, his heart's in the right place.

Yeah, but Geraldo Rivera

is looking for his brain.

- Right? - Sometimes maybe.

Uh, let's talk about some of the kids in the class.

Aren't they great?

Let's take Maria, for instance.

[instrumental music]

"Maria's problem is she doesn't think."

"Arvid looks at the world through nerd-colored glasses?"

"Darlene is an uptight snob."

Man's got a point.

Dennis, Mr. Moore actually said this?

Do I deliver or what?

I can't believe a nice man like Mr. Moore

would say these things. I just can't.

I knew he hated me. It's because of my politics.

I'm gonna die. I-I'm gonna faint.

Are you happy, Dennis?

You've got everybody hating Mr. Moore.

Just when we thought we had a good thing going.

- Dennis. - What?

What did you think you were doing by writing this?

Oh, come on, Darlene, they're overreacting.

You just better be sure he said all this, Dennis.

You are sure?

Well, yeah, I'm sure. He said 'em, in a way.

The problem here is that nobody sees the humor in this, Darlene.

Here comes Mr. Moore. Maybe he'll see the humor in it.

[scoffs] I'll go handle this. You stay here.

I'll be right back.

Good morning. Naomi says hi.

Ah, swell, listen, Mr. Moore

I don't think you ought to go in there right now.

- No, I teach here, remember? - Yeah, I know.

But everybody is a little confused in there.

Confused? About what?

[chuckles] It's funny actually.

I wrote this really fun profile of you for the school paper

and they're all kind of takin' it the wrong way.

- About me? - Um..

They're babies, Mr. Moore. I-it's wimp city in there.

- Really, you don't wanna go in. - What's in the profile?

Look...you're not like them, Mr. Moore

you've got the old funny bone.

It takes a high intellect to appreciate...parody.

So, I think if you like it, they'll back off.

So, read it.

Like it, and, uh, me..

I'm just..

[chuckles]

[indistinct chatter]

I don't understand why..

And good morning to you, too.

Well, uh, rumor has it I am featured in an article.

Is that it?

'Let's hear it.'

Out loud?

Well, sure, we have no secrets in this class, do we?

Not anymore.

Okay.

"Sub. Portrait of a drifter.

"Charlie Moore, a man who has been on the run from the police.

"A man who has appeared naked on stage for peanuts.

"A man who has shacked up with...two women."

Did he say that?

Mr. Moore, I can't even believe you'd say this things about us.

- What things? - "Maria doesn't think."

I'm a stuffed shirt.

"Arvid looks at the world

through nerd-colored glasses."

I said that? I-I would never say those things.

Mr. Moore. "Sub. Portrait of a drifter." Ring a bell?

Uh, yes, beginning to, yes.

Mrs. Hanratty, the, uh, faculty advisor to the school paper

brought me an advanced copy. She thought I should see this.

You amaze me, Mr. Moore.

You make self-destruction an art form.

Well, I gather I totaled you too.

What did I say?

You said, "Dr. Samuels heart is in the right place

"but Geraldo Rivera is looking for his..

- Thank you, Janice. - "...brain."

Did you ever stop to think I might be misquoted here?

The people at the school board read these things.

Tell Dennis I wanna see him.

Everything straightened out?

Not quite, Dennis. Come in.

Come in.

Now, you made up that story

about your parents fighting, didn't you?

You never mentioned that you were writing an article.

And you distorted everything that I said, right?

You know, the stuff that you gave me

was a little on the dull side.

Mr. Moore, did you or did you not say that I don't think?

- What did I say? - What difference does it make?

I said, "Marie doesn't think she should have any fun

unless she gets straight A's."

Dennis, you're such a complete sleazoid!

You are a total low-life.

How can you look at yourself?

He needs a very large mirror.

You people are all too uptight, you know, I tried to spread

a little levity, and everybody goes nuts.

Levity isn't what you were spreading, man.

Dennis, I think you and I need to have a little talk.

Okay, I'm free Friday after third period.

- Now. - Okay.

Show no mercy, Mr. Moore.

Look, I was kidding around and it backfired.

I'm sorry, okay, it's no big deal.

No, Dennis, I think it's a big deal.

- You don't think it's funny? - I'm not laughing, Dennis.

You see, that's the difference between you and me.

I take the existentialist point of view.

And life is a joke.

Do you know about existentialism?

No, Dennis, I just got here from Mars.

You wanna play funny philosophy?

Do you know Dante's "The Divine Comedy?"

Because Dante says there are nine levels of hell.

That's a comedy?

I would say right now you're at about level five

and you work your way up by redemption.

Redemption?

Dennis, the only way out is for you to face up

to why you do things like this.

Okay. Why?

Why not? The world is a joke.

If we can't laugh at each other where are we?

Okay. Level four.

What are you talking about? I'm not doing this.

Oh, Dennis, you're doing this.

Okay, I admit it.

I've got the disease, I can't help myself.

When I see an opening, I go for it.

- How am I doing? - Stuck at level four.

I need strokes.

I'm crying out for attention.

- Who isn't? - Yeah, but I admitted it.

Okay. Level three.

Only three? Oh, come on, that's gotta be level one.

I don't get any closer to the truth. That's my best shot.

Dennis, you can do better than that.

Level two, let's go.

Okay.

I'm overweight, alright?

I get it. You did this to lose weight.

Betray a friend, lose unwanted pounds.

The Judas diet.

Come on, Mr. Moore, give me a break.

Okay.

- You want all of it. - Mm-hm.

You may find this a little hard to believe..

...but I'm insecure.

I just want people to like me.

And I figure, if I'm funny..

...they'll like me.

Okay, that's it, that's as far as I go.

How do you feel?

I feel terrible.

You know, my head is pounding, my stomach hurts

and my palms are sweating.

Is there MSG in truth?

- Dennis. - Mr. Moore.

I don't say these words too often.

But seriously..

...I am sorry.

Don't get mushy on me, Dennis unless you mean it.

I really am.

Okay. So, you told me.

Now, tell them.

Yeah.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Okay, let's take one more run..

...at San Juan Hill.

Mr. Moore. The truth has arrived.

You are gonna be so proud of me

I didn't fudge one word. Read all that.

Come on, let's hear it.

"Charlie Moore, lonely at the bottom.

"Charlie Moore, relic from the '60s.

"The lonely divorcee..

"...disappointed actor who supplements

his meagre earnings.."

Dennis, you, me, in the hall, talk.

Uh, Mr. Moore, I think you might like the last sentence.

"However, even if his life has been an unmitigated disaster

"we in the honor's program are grateful for that

because otherwise, he wouldn't be our teacher today."

I really had to struggle to find an upbeat ending.

Dennis..

...the hall, you, me, talk.

[theme music]