Original subtitles

[theme music]

[theme music]

[theme music]

[bell rings]

Where's the principal's office?

- Yes? Can I help you? - Oh, yeah.

I'm Charlie Moore. I'm substitute teacher.

Bernadette Meara. Uh.. Assistant principal.

You're late, Mr. Moore. You missed the pledge of the flag.

I did that at home.

- Room 19. - 19. Thanks.

Oh, Mr. Moore..

Look, I-I'd better warn you about your first period class.

Warn me? Heh.

I've taught in the toughest high schools in New York City.

[exhales]

Morning.

My name is Mr. Moore. But you can call me by my first name.

Mister.

Contemporary history. Great!

"Cuban Missile Crisis." Good, I know this one.

Cuban Missile Crisis.

I assume we do know where Cuba is?

Would you like the political, diplomatic or economic version?

Stop showing off, Alan, and just give him the facts.

1962, Castro let the Russians put offensive missiles on Cuba

and Kennedy cites the Rio Treaty. Article 5.

It's Article 6, not five, Maria.

And that's not even important.

You gotta talk about the boarding of the Marucla

the letters from Kennedy to Khrushchev.

- On the 28th. - On the 29th.

The missiles were removed and Kennedy pledged

not to invade Cuba.

Now, of course, that is just a simple overview.

Are we saying we do know where Cuba is?

What we're sayin' is, if you don't mind

we'd rather use the class time to get ready

for the Academic Olympics.

We have a big meet on Saturday.

- Top drawer. - What?

You can read a magazine.

There're some in the top drawer.

I can read a magazine?

Didn't they tell you? This is IHP.

"IHP?"

Individualized Honors Program.

Our principal, Dr. Samuels

doesn't like the subs to try and teach us.

- It's a waste of time. - Oh, really?

Hmm.

You think you know everything about

the Cuban Missile Crisis, huh?

It so happened you left out

probably the single most important factor.

Little item called the baseball.

"The baseball," the class wondered.

"Tell us more," they cried.

- What does that mean? - Thank you.

It doesn't mean anything. He's blowing smoke.

So far, we're four minutes into this class

and we've accomplished zip.

I'm going to the library.

Um, don't mind Alan.

He-he's very intense.

Who are you?

Oh, I'm, uh, I-I'm Arvid Engen.

Uh, my Grade Point Average is 4.0. And, uh..

My nickname is Badges, because I won so many awards.

[chuckles]

And, uh.. Oh, I like squash.

- You play squash? - No, I eat it.

Uh, and you are?

Oh, uh, uh, my name is Jawaharlal.

I'm new, from India.

I was very worried about being accepted

by my new friends in New York.

[chuckles] But already everyone tells me

I'm just one of the geeks.

Hi. Janice Lazarotto. Sorry I'm late.

Late? You look about five years too early.

Uh, are you sure you got the right room?

I'm ready for college, but my parents said

I've to be in here with these num-nums

until I'm mature.

Only kidding. I'm a genius!

It bugs 'em.

You must be, uh, the graduate student.

I'm Dr. Samuels, I'm the principal.

I found Alan in the hall without a pass.

He said you were wasting time schmoozing.

Why aren't you reading a magazine?

I was about to try a whacky new concept.

Teaching.

Didn't they tell you about the Academic Olympics?

They have work to do.

They, uh, mentioned, uh, some competition on Saturday.

Competition? We're already 5 and 0.

Next week, we're going to level Brooklyn Tech.

Look at this team.

Dennis, chemistry, physics.

He can solve any problem that you can think up.

Darlene, the speech and debate monster.

Put her in a room with William F. Buckley

she'll break both his legs.

Jawaharlal, natural science.

'Alan, political science.'

'Arvid, mathematics.'

'My cleanup hitter.'

My big man, my enforcer.

Without Arvid, forget it.

And little Janice.

What can you say? She knows everything.

She's spooky.

They all are. Watch this.

Thirty August of 1980?

Ozzy Osbourne eats his first rat on stage.

That's why you're not on the team, Eric.

I'm not on the team, because I don't wanna be on the team.

Let's keep it that way. Alan?

Poland officially recognizes Solidarity.

Three-tenths of one percent?

The density of oxygen on the planet Mars.

Pick a poem, any poem.

Uh, "Margaret, are you grieving

over Goldengrove unleaving?"

Simone?

"Leaves like the things of man

"you with your fresh thoughts care for, can you?

"Ah! As the heart grows older

it will come to such sights colder."

Gerard Manley Hopkins, "Spring and Fall."

Is she a killer or what?

Okay, anybody. You have a six-inch mercury thermometer.

You are wanting to know the height of a nearby building.

How will you do it? The big "A."

Algebra, two equivalent triangles.

Simple ratios, B equals D times C over A.

Which is the height of your thermometer.

It's physics. Air pressure decreases as you go up.

It is 1 X psi for every 250 feet.

That's how you use a thermometer.

What about you, Mr. Moore?

You think you could answer that?

Oh, I can give it a try.

- Give it your best shot. - Okay.

Uh, I'd find a building superintendent

and I'd say, uh

"Hey, man, you tell me how tall the building is

I'll give you this thermometer."

Can I talk to you outside?

Mr. Moore, in the rather dull galaxy of my life

there is one bright, pure, beautiful shimmering star.

My honors program, which I put together personally.

Those kids represent culture, education

fine arts, the future of civilization.

Don't mess with them.

I'm only here for two days.

How much damage can I do?

Just babysit, Mr. Moore.

Babysit.

[exhales]

[sighs] Look, at the risk

of destroying Alan's life

uh, let's talk some more about Cuban Missile Crisis, okay?

Now, why was the common baseball so important?

I'm glad you asked.

See, history is not just names and dates.

It's made up of moments

relationships, turning points.

Interruptions.

Sorry to bother you, but I have to get the names of the kids

that are going to the dance tomorrow night.

[chuckles] That's what I thought. Bye.

Hey, Arvid? She's gone, you can breathe now, man.

So, we're too smart to go to dances too, huh?

Dances are for airheads.

They're non-productive.

The music is simplistic.

People are really dumb.

I don't like the kind of statement it makes.

Statement?

Well, yeah.

Uh, the statement that women are sexual objects.

I mean, dances force 'em to dress up

and compete against each other for the attentions of men?

I'm sorry, but I personally find that de-humanizing to women

and I'm not gonna have any part of it.

Who was your sub yesterday? Donahue?

He's pulling your chain, man.

Don't you get it?

They don't go to dances 'cause they're nerds.

That's all. This is a room full of freaks.

But you're different, right?

I happen to be cursed with brains.

But if it were up to me, I wouldn't even be in this class.

- So, who is it up to? - My mother.

Well, she took a course in tough love.

Hey, it's either this or live in the garage.

With my father.

So, uh, you're going to the dance?

No.

But I'm not going 'cause I don't wanna go.

They're not going 'cause they're lameos, man?

Is he right?

Is that how you see yourselves, as lameos?

Simone?

(Charlie) Darlene?

Arvid?

Well, hey, let's face it, if a guy

landed from Mars, and said, "What's a nerd?"

they'd bring him to me.

Nah, I'm-I'm smart and funny looking.

It's a deadly combination.

Okay, Albert Einstein. Smart and funny looking, right?

Marilyn Monroe said that he was the sexiest man

she ever met.

Yeah, unfortunately, Marilyn Monroe

is no longer in the dating pool.

Come on, Arvid, you've got a lot goin'.

I mean, you're, you're smart.

- Yeah. - You got wit.

- True. - Charm.

- Sure. - Charisma.

I don't think I have the charisma.

You do have a certain aura, hmm?

You know how to dance?

- Yeah. - Well, what does that tell you?

Well, yeah! I could see myself going to the dance.

Okay, there must be somebody out there

that you could ask.

You know, Arvid..

Lori just broke up with Barry. Ahem.

Why don't you ask her?

[Darlene laughing]

Who's Lori?

The girl that just came to the door.

Oh.

- Well, ask her. - Okay.

- I will. - Okay.

- So, go ask her. - Now?

Come on, I'll give you a hall pass.

Wha.. I can't just go up and ask her!

Arvid, what's the worst thing that can happen?

She might say no, right?

Better yet, she says yes.

Then, at the dance

she makes a complete idiot out of you.

So, you use your unbelievable mental powers

to blow up the place and kill everybody

like in "Carrie."

Janice, grow up.

Here, Arvid.

Go for it.

Arvid, wait!

Better.

Okay, who's next?

Come on, somebody.

'Simone!'

- Never mind. - Listen up, class.

Tomorrow night, an extra practice.

I wanna be razor-sharp for Saturday.

Everybody up for that?

I think some of 'em may be going to the dance.

I can't conceive of one person on my team

who'd be so irresponsible

as to jeopardize our chances by going to a dance.

See you at practice!

(Arvid) Yippee!

I did it! She said yes!

Let's boogie!

Woo-hoo! Yippee!

Woo-hoo!

[laughing]

Is there a problem?

[theme music]

(Charlie) A simple sphere.

Elastic filament, wrapped around a cork center

covered with horse hide

hand-stitched on the Island of Hispaniola.

If not for this, the entire Cuban Missile Crisis

might have been avoided.

[tapping on board]

Okay, Arvid, we're all on pins and needles.

What are you gonna do?

Well, I've-I've analyzed it

and th-th-the choices are simple.

I.. Well, I could alienate a, a beautiful girl

who, who normally wouldn't give me the time of day

or I could, uh, totally enrage an..

well, an unattractive man

who, uh, could get me into Yale.

Where would you kids be without Dr. Samuels?

Every time you're in a situation you don't wanna cope with

you say, "Dr. Samuels won't let me."

My problem is not Dr. Samuels, it's my parents.

Oh, your parents won't let you go?

No, it's just that, they'll go with me.

Everything I do, they're there.

Supporting, encouraging.

Videotaping.

I mean, would you go to a dance if you knew

your father was gonna be there

following you around with the camera?

And your mom was gonna be interviewing your date?

Gee, you're breaking my heart, Darlene.

Okay, Dennis, what's your reason?

Oh, I believe it has something to do with

his deep commitment to feminism.

Oh, yeah?

I believe it has something to do

with his deep commitment to lasagna.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right.

Take a cheap shot. Make fun of my weight.

It's okay.

'Cause I'm not stupid.

I know why I am overweight.

It's anxiety.

As a future physicist

I, I'm on a collision course

with destiny.

They're probably gonna use me to create

some sort of super weapon to annihilate mankind

and I won't be able to stop it.

Now, wouldn't that keep you up at night

getting it on with Sara Lee?

"Collision course with destiny?"

What is this, "Days of Our Lives?"

Can we get back to learning something and be quiet

so I can study?

W-w-wait, this is, this is getting good.

I like this. Maria?

Why aren't you goin' to the dance?

'Cause I'm grounded.

Oh, you're grounded? Why?

I did something really terrible.

Well, how terrible?

It's beyond talking about, let's just forget it.

Car theft? Bank robbery? Shoplifting? What?

I got a B.

[gasps]

So your parents grounded you because you got a B?

No, I grounded myself.

You grounded yourself?

Well, it's the only way I'm gonna learn.

Alright, I-I-I've.. I have made a decision.

Excuse me, Mr. Moore.

Listen up, gang, practice tonight at my house

seven o'clock sharp.

Free pizza, on me.

Uh, I can be there.

We all will be, won't we, Arvid?

No.

What do you mean "No?"

I'm going to the dance.

What are you saying, Arvid?

Well, well, say I-I-I..

Up-up until now I saw myself as a nerd, you know?

But, well, it's like Mr. Moore told us.

History is made up of-of-of moments.

And yesterday, because of what he said..

...I made history.

What did he say?

I said, I thought going to the dance

might be as important as trashing Brooklyn Tech.

[scoffs] Look at Arvid.

I mean, yesterday, he knew he was smart.

And today, he knows he's attractive.

And all of a sudden, I've-I've a totally hot babe

dying to go to the dance with me.

I mean, t-to turn that down, would be totally dumb.

Totally. We were just talking about you.

- Uh-oh! - Just a minute, young lady.

Do you usually barge into a classroom like this?

I'm sorry, I had to give someone a message.

What message?

Well, it's kinda personal.

Out in the hall would be better.

[indistinct chatter]

Uh, e-excuse me, she, she probably wants to tell me

what color corsage to buy.

- 'Oh!' - 'O-oh!'

Over here, please.

Two days you've been here, people are wandering in the hall

the class is confused

and I'm about to lose the best brain on my team.

What are you teaching them?

I'm teaching them they're humans.

It's a high school dance.

I don't want their minds cluttered

with boy-girl problems.

Leads to anxiety and rejection.

They're not like you and me.

They can't handle it.

Oh! I see.

If they try to handle it then we as, uh..

...adults and educators should just try to crush it, huh?

What are you talking about?

You just saw Arvid turn into a man

right before your eyes.

Didn't have anything to do with the density of oxygen on Mars.

Hey, hey, great news!

Lori and Barry made up.

She is going to the dance with him.

[chuckles] Oh, it's okay.

I, uh, I-I had a feeling we were drifting apart anyway.

So...problem solved.

[laughs]

I'll, uh, see you at practice.

No.

Well, I'm still going to the dance.

What?

Well, I mean, just because the princess

has a change of plans doesn't mean

I go back to being a frog.

You know, Mr. Moore..

I will always remember your words.

"I'm only here two days. How much damage can I do?"

You know, even a pessimist like myself had no idea.

[bell rings]

Try saying goodbye without screwing up.

I can't tell you how nourishing this has been.

Well, uh, I don't know what the odds are

we'll see one another again.

I do, sir.

If you compute the number of schools

with the number of substitute--

Not now, Janice.

I just wanted to say I really enjoyed this.

And you have a great time at the dance, okay?

Rest of you, uh, good luck.

Do well on the competition.

See ya.

Well, Mr. Moore, uh, before we go

what did the baseball have to do with the Cuban Missile Crisis?

I mean, in case it shows up on the final or something.

[scoffs] Yeah. The baseball.

Back in the '50s, uh, there was a young Cuban pitcher

named Fidel Castro.

He was good, so good that he got some attention

from Major League scouts and..

...the Washington Senators gave him a try-out.

They handed him one of these

and he threw it as hard as he could.

And they said..

"Sorry, Fidel..

you just don't have a big league fastball."

So...he went into politics.

That's ridiculous.

I mean, it's like saying if Ronald Reagan

had been a better actor

he wouldn't have a strategic defense initiative.

[mouths] Wow.

[bell rings]

- Thank you. - Deeply.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

- Buh-bye, Janice. - Bye.

- Thanks a lot. - Bye.

Alan..

Mr. Moore, um..

I'll, I'll never forget how we came this close

to getting me a-a major date.

Well, someday when you win the Nobel Prize

maybe you'll remember that..

...you learned how to take a stand right in this room.

They might put up a little plaque.

Yeah, i-it'll say, "On this spot

Arvid Engen made a friend."

[laughs]

[theme music]

- Morning, Charlie. - "Morning, Charlie."

What am I doing here?

He told me to make the call, I make the call.

- Who? - I did.

- Why? - I could say..

Because as a teacher, you are innovative,

creative and dedicated.

Or I could say, it's because Arvid's father phoned me.

He's on the board of education.

You will be taking over IHP for the next couple of weeks

until Mr. Thomas gets back.

That is, if you want to.

[bell rings]

- Okay! - Hey!

Alright!

[chuckles] Okay.

Tell me what happened? I wanna know.

What do you think? We slaughtered Brooklyn Tech.

I know, of course, you won the meet.

I'm talkin' about real life.

What happened, Arvid?

Well, I was cool.

Looked pretty good.

Danced with a dozen or so babes.

Few of 'em, uh, asked me to call 'em later.

What a geek!

Simone?

I didn't go to practice Friday night.

I went to the dance.

You-you, you were at the dance?

Yes.

- I was watching you. - Oh, oh, you were?

You looked pretty cool to me, Arvid.

[theme music]