Original subtitles

* (jazz music)

(whacks golf ball and lands)

Bill Johnson: Aww, I think it's a little short.

Parker Tyler: You hit it really short. What did you use?

Bill: That was a six-iron Parker.

Parker: A 6-iron. Anyway, let's see what we can do about that.

(bop, bop, bop, bop)

Parker: Uh, uh-hum.

(scraping)

(whacks golf ball)

Bill: Looks like you got a bad bounce there.

Parker: Thanks Bill.

Bill: Tough luck buddy.

Man: You were right Parker.

Parker: Yeah, but my partner too, anytime you want

to clean your balls during my backswing, anytime.

Bill: Well maybe it's sitting out there.

Parker: Uh, it's buried in there.

Bill: Well the high grass can be deadly.

Parker: I want to thank you a hundred thousand times.

(chattering)

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Parker: All right I got my wedgie here.

Bill: I'll be there up on the green Parker

lining up my birdie putt.

Parker: Show thyself ball, show thyself.

* (upbeat music)

(rattlesnake hissing)

Bill: Did you find it Parker?

Parker: Sweetheart you just stay right in that position.

If you'll forgive the expression. (laughs and sings)

Man: Parker is going snake hunting.

Bill: Parker get out of that grass.

(gunshots)

Parker: Ow! Whoa! Whoa! Ow!

Bill: He shot his foot.

Parker: OW! I shot my foot. I shot myself.

Bill: Come on let's get him in the cart.

Jefferson: Come on somebody. Lift him off his feet.

Man: Breathe deep. Breathe deep Parker.

Jefferson: You're going to be all right.

Just don't give into it. Just don't give into it Parker.

It will be fine. Just hold on. Hear me. Hold on.

* (U2 singing The Beatles' "Happiness Is a Warm Gun") *

* She's not a girl who misses much *

* Do do do do do do, oh yeah

* Happiness is a warm gun

* Happiness is a warm gun

Man: And so it was exactly one year ago to this day

that we at Buena Vida Country Club

lost our fine and upstanding president Parker Tyler.

And as I stand here before you all,

his loving wife Frances and his daughter Phyllis...

Phyllis Tyler: Mom. (thunder)

Jill Johnson: Who's going to be president now dear?

Bill: Well he'll have to be elected.

Jill: That will be you. Huh?

Bill: Well those are awfully big shoes to fill,

but if elected I'll serve.

Sally: You know, daddy, he wasn't a very nice man.

Jefferson: A rattlesnake knows what to bite.

Paula Simmons: Well just tell him I'm at a funeral, okay.

(thunder)

Genny: Hi Bill.

Man: So it is with great honor that I hereby declare

the Parker Stanley Tyler memorial hole.

Paula: How is it? It's boring.

Phyllis: (moaning)

* (Country music)

Bill: (moaning)

Phyllis: Bill could you please...

Bill: How was it honey? Phyllis: What?

Bill: Making love to a president.

Phyllis: Oh! Oh Bill, you are fantastic.

You were so good, you were so fast, it was really great.

Bill: Was it any different?

Phyllis: Different. What do you mean?

Bill: Well different?

Phyllis: I'm not quite sure what a president is

supposed to feel like,

but it was almost just about perfect.

I guarantee you that.

Yes, unlock me.

Bill: Well I guess I'm not really

officially the president yet.

Phyllis: Bill, do you mind to unlock me.

Bill: It won't be long now.

Bill: Four-and-a-half more days.

Phyllis: Four-and-a-half days.

Bill: On July 19th you will be lying here

next to the new president Amarillo's finest.

Phyllis: Well, won't that be something.

Bill: Buena Vida Country Club. (laughs)

Phyllis: Yeah, (laughs) (knocking)

Phyllis: Uh, where's the key to this thing?

Bill: Jesus, who is that?

Phyllis: Unlock me, unlock me.

Bill: Oh Jesus (indistinct chatter) sorry.

(loud knocking) Bill: Here, here, here.

Bill: Hold on, hold still, hold still.

Phyllis: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Bill: Who is that? (loud knocking)

Phyllis: It's my mother I'm sure of it.

She always has to come and check up on me.

- (knocking) - (opens door)

Phyllis: Hello.

Julio: Package for you Miss Tyler.

Phyllis: Oh. Hold on a second. (shuts door)

Julio: Got it?

Phyllis: Thanks Julio, Hooleeo.

* (soft music)

(whispers) Bill: Phyllis.

* (louder soft music)

Bill: Phyllis.

Phyllis: What's your hurry big boy? (chuckle)

You taking some medicine or something?

Got to get home to wifey maybe?

Bill: Phyllis.

Phyllis: Oh! What's the matter?

Are you scared of little old Phyllis?

Bill: Come on now.

Phyllis:(yelling) Say it, say it. I am scared of Phyllis.

Bill: Phyllis come on put that down.

Phyllis: Say it! Say it! Say it! Say it! (mischievous chuckle)

Phyllis: Oh God! Oh man! I love that.

You look so stupid when you're scared. (Pow, pow, pow, pow).

Bill: Give me that. This is not a toy.

Where did you get this?

Phyllis: Julio sent it out from the front desk.

Oh, it came in a box.

See I thought maybe mother sent it to me,

but I'm not so sure.

Bill: Your mother? Phyllis: Mmhmm

Phyllis: Oh, you know what?

I know she didn't because mother doesn't read the newspaper. (sniff)

Bill: This is Parker's gun.

Phyllis: It is? Oh, cool.

Somebody sent me daddy's pistol.

Bill: Look there's no clip.

Phyllis: Clip? What's a clip?

Bill: A clip goes in here, see. It holds the bullets.

Phyllis: Oh! Well I don't need any bullets.

I'm not planning on shooting anybody.

Bill: Honey, now quit playing around with that thing now.

There's nothing more dangerous than an unloaded gun.

Phyllis: All right. Okay.

Bill: You remember that!

Phyllis: All right.

Bill: I got to get out of here.

Phyllis: Oh, no Bill don't go. Bill, Bill stay.

Bill: Will you stop that. Phyllis: Kiss.

* ( seductive music)

Phyllis: (moaning)

Bill: Phyllis, Phyllis, no, honey.

Bill: Would you just...

See you at the club tomorrow.

Phyllis: Pow!

* (country and western music)

(sizzling)

(door closing)

Bill: Sorry I'm late honey.

I had to go over some stuff with Cliff.

Jill: No prob.

- Bill: No what? - Jill: No prob.

Like problem. I just finished Kinky Friedman's book

a little bit ago Elvis, Jesus and Coca-Cola.

It's about a private detective and that's what he says.

No prob, no prob.

Bill: I thought you had meetings at the club all day today.

Who the hell is Kinky Friedman?

Jill: You know. Jewish country singer.

Uh, we saw him in Waco once. Remember?

"Ride 'Em Jewboy"

"Get Your Biscuits in the Oven and Your Buns in the Bed"

Well he also writes detective novels,

and Richard says on the back cover

he's Texas's greatest natural resource,

and Joseph Heller compare him to Shakespeare and Mozart

so I canceled my meetings.

Bill: What are we having?

Jill: George Washington's favorite meal.

Bill: Oh.

Jill: Cream of peanut soup, ham with oyster sauce,

sweet mashed potatoes with coconut,

string beans with mushrooms, spoon bread

and whiskey cake.

It's almost ready.

Bill: How do you know so much about

George Washington's favorite meal?

Jill: I read about it in a book called

Hail to the Chief about eyeball presidential trivia.

Did you know that Thomas Jefferson

was horribly bored by being president.

Did you know that Jefferson, John Adams and James Monroe

all died on July fourth.

More presidents bit the dust in July than any other month.

In 1974 when the Judiciary Committee

recommended impeaching Tricky Dicky

guess what month is was. July.

LBJ had the best nicknames though.

He was sometimes called Little Prince Lyndon

and Uncle Cornpone and his aides liked to call him

the great guided-missile.

Did you know Jefferson invented that swivel lazy Susan thing?

Also the dumbwaiter and the swivel chair.

Harrison liked to do his own grocery shopping.

Taft was our fattest president.

They had to build a special bathtub for him,

and Garfield he was our smartest president.

He could write Greek with one hand,

and Latin with the other at the same time.

Bill: That book say anything about Bush?

(timer buzzing) Bill: Goddamn.

Jill: Chow time.

* (guitar music)

(squish)

Bill: What's this?

Jill: I don't know.

It came today addressed to me, but it must be for you.

* (western music)

Jill: So did you order that for one of your guns or something?

Bill: Yeah, yeah, I did.

It's funny they addressed it to you though.

Mrs. Bill Johnson. Oh well. (laughs)

Jill: To George Washington who never told a lie.

Bill: (quiet chuckle)

Marcy on Intercom: Mr. Johnson.

Bill: How long have you been working here?

Marcy: Um, three days Mr. Johnson.

Bill: Well I think that's long enough

for you to start calling me Bill.

What do you think?

Marcy: Sure Bill.

Bill: Did you buzz me for something?

Marcy: Oh yeah. Paula Simmons is here to see you.

(shuffling)

Paula: Only three days. Huh?

Gosh! And she seems so incredibly on top of things.

(footsteps)

Bill: Hi Paula. So what did you find out for me?

Paula: You know Bill, sometimes being your lawyer

is more of a headache than being your ex-lover.

So your friend Dumbo Jim managed to get his ass

in a major (unintelligible) but it doesn't appear

that he actually broke any laws.

Just read the file carefully

before you go into the hearing, okay.

I don't think you could get yourself into any trouble

or him if you just stick to the truth,

but of course, you and the truth (laughs)

Marcy: Bill.

Marcy: Now how many cows do you put in a pen with one bull?

- Bill: Uh, that would be 20 Marcy. - Marcy: Thank you Bill.

-Bill: Are you doing a breeding report? -Marcy: Uh-huh

Bill: Well make sure you say heifers instead of cow.

Marcy: Oh cool. Thank you Bill.

Paula: Well what is a real corporate cowboy anyway

without a little jail bait around to keep his

chaps soiled

Right Bill? Just remember the basics of the trade.

Virgin heifers always breed the easiest.

By the way I'm returning these to you.

I'll just leave them over there.

(thuds)

Might come in handy with Einstein Ella in there

you might have to restrain some of that unbridled intelligence.

* (jazz music)

(bullets clanking)

(shuffling)

Paula: Listen honey, you just tell him

Paula Simmons is on the line and he'll take the call.

Bye. Thank you. That's right.

* (harmonica country music)

(camera flash)

Elliott, photographer: Okay. Again, and (flash)

Elliott: Jefferson would you move that flag

a little bit please for me.

Jefferson: Yep.

Elliott: No not that one, the other one.

Bill: It is a little warm in here.

Genny: (laughing)

Jefferson: How's that?

Genny: Is that all right?

Elliott: Great, thank you Genny.

(laughing and giggling)

Elliott: Now one more like this Bill

then we're going to do you in the other outfit.

Bill: All right.

Elliott: Okay now. Smile for me now Bill.

Elliott: Great, you can go change now.

Genny: (giggling)

Bill: Do I have to change the pants too?

Genny: Oh Bill (giggles)

Get going. I don't think we have time for that.

Bill: After all this rigmarole is over with

and I'm the president maybe we'll make some time.

What do you think?

Genny: Oh, I don't know. (giggles) Whoa! Mr. President.

Phyllis: You know what mother?

(chattering)

Jill: Genny. Have they shot Bill yet?

Genny: Yeah, about 100 times.

He's already to the last outfit.

Here's the photographers's invoice and a copy.

Jill: Could you that to me?

Jill: Okay, what I need right now is for somebody

to nail down some bartenders for me.

Frances, who are those guys you always use?

Frances: Magic Beverages. They make the Houdini Martini.

Jill: Oh yes. Bill just loves that drink.

Okay, so who wants to wrangle these magic guys for me.

Make a few points with the new president.

Phyllis: Oh, I can do that.

Jill: All right Phyllis. You're on.

Try to get them lined up by today though.

It will give me one less thing to worry about.

Also, a little good news to excite Bill when he gets home.

Surprises always make Bill so attentive.

Genny, I thought you were helping with the portrait.

Genny: I am, but Bill went to the bridge room

to change his clothes.

Jill: Do me a favor.

Remind him to get measured for his tuxedo.

Phyllis: You know something Jill.

I think I'll make these phone calls

in the little hallway in the office.

Um, that way, um, you won't be bothered

by my talking on the phone.

Jill: Okay, no prob.

Frances: Bye bye darlin'

* (harmonica country music)

Bill: Jesus. Phyllis: Gotcha! (laughing)

Bill: Phyllis, don't scare me like that.

Phyllis: You got to get braver Bill.

The president isn't supposed to be such a scaredy-cat.

Bill: Look honey, being in here together like this

is kind of dangerous.

Phyllis: I know...

Bill: They're waiting on me out there.

Phyllis: Who's waiting on you?

Bill: Oh come on honey.

Phyllis: Come on Bill, come on.

Bill: By the way did you ever track down

who sent you Parker's gun?

Phyllis: I don't care who sent me Parker's gun,

quite frankly, honey,

I've been a little bit sneaky myself these days. (laughs)

- Phyllis: (laughing) - (knocking)

Bill: Oh geez!

Sally: Oh, Miss Tyler.

Phyllis: Hi Sally.

Sally: I was looking for Mr. Johnson.

Bill: Sally. (chuckles)

Sally: I called out.

Bill: Yeah-yeah, I just finished dressing

and Phyllis, Miss Tyler, she just came in here to...

Phyllis: Well I just came here to show Bill what showed up.

Look at this Sally. It's daddy's snake pistol.

Can you believe it?

Somebody must have just found it.

Look at this Bill. Feel it. Feel how heavy it is.

Bill: Oh yeah, would you look at that.

Phyllis: It's big too, isn't it. Pow! Pow! Pow! (laughs)

Pow! Pow! Pow! All right I got to go. Bye.

Bill: Bye. Can you believe it. (chuckles)

It's funny how nobody ever figured out

just how that gun up and disappeared like it did.

I guess somebody finally ran across it

out there in the grass.

Sally: I guess so Mr. Johnson.

* (guitar country music)

Jill: Genny will be waiting for you out front at 6:30

and she'll show you where to get dressed.

Okay. Bingo! We just got Mariachi Escondido

What a great stroke of luck.

How on earth did you know they were in town?

Frances: Well they are shooting a commercial out

at my brother's place.

Jill: Oh! Hi Paula.

Listen, thank you so much for coming,

but I just did not know who else to call.

Jerry is out of town and well Bill said.

Paula: So I'm here.

Of course, there are a lot of male lawyers

that belong to this club too,

but hey, a problem solved with a woman's touch

is much less likely to jump up,

and bite you in the ass, again. Now isn't it?

Jill: Especially if it's man-made.

Paula: (chuckle) Most are. So what's the...

Jill: I think it was Ike who once said

that "since all our problems are man-made

they can therefore be solved by a man

since man can be as big as he wants to be."

Paula: Yeah, and meanwhile Mamie is back

at the White House taking care of the plumbing.

So, what do you need from me?

Jill: We're trying to get the new floodlights

installed by Friday and the county said

the city should do it and the city says

that we're in the county's territory.

Paula: Oh, and the Amarillo city limit line

runs right down the spine of this clubhouse. Doesn't it? (dialing)

Paula: (on phone) County commissioner.

Jefferson: Oh hang onto this. Turn it off.

Genny: There, let me fix that for you.

Bill: Got anything else that needs fixing?

Genny: (laughs) Yeah, just the police report

if your wife finds my lipstick on your collar

Bill: (laughs) Does the word spinner mean anything to you?

Genny: Oh Bill. Are you a fisherman too?

* (guitar country music)

Paula: Oh thank you so much.

Jill: Well that was easy.

Paula: I used to date the county commissioner.

Phyllis: Hi mother.

Phyllis: What you doing?

Frances: Just trying to help Jill with this light problem.

Which reminds me I brought you

a little something for the apartment.

Jill: Phyllis, any luck with those bartenders?

Phyllis: What? (coughing) Oh yeah-yeah.

I'm waiting for an answer.

Oh my God that is so cool. What is it?

Frances: It's a clapper.

Phyllis: A clapper. What's a clapper?

Frances: One of those devices you hook up to your lights

so if you don't want to walk all the way

to the switch to turn it on and off,

you just clap your hands real hard

and the noise makes it happen. (claps)

Phyllis: Wow!

Frances: I'll come over to your apartment tonight,

and I'll show you exactly how it works

and I'll fix your garbage disposal.

Phyllis: Well if that isn't the cleverest thing.

You mean you just clap your hands like this (claps)

Elliott: Excellent. Well that about does it.

Bill: Good. Well that was painless.

Elliott, thanks a lot.

- Bill: Fred. - Fred: Yeah.

Bill: I appreciate it. Fred: My pleasure.

- Bill: Jefferson. - Jefferson: Yes sir?

- Bill: Thanks a million. - Jefferson: You're welcome

Mr. Johnson

Bill: Got you off that grass-cutter

for a while. Didn't I?

Jefferson: Yes sir, you sure did, Mr. Johnson.

Bill: Hey partner, put it there.

I appreciate it. (chuckle) Yeah.

Genny: Here I'll take that for you.

Sally: Your wife says don't forget

to get measured for your tuxedo, sir.

Jefferson: six foot two, 195-196, Jacket 44 long,

Bill: That's amazing Jefferson. How'd you know that?

Jefferson: Something my daddy taught me.

He said he could always judge a man's weight by his handshake.

Bill: Oh yeah. What did your daddy do?

Jefferson: He was an undertaker.

* (guitar music)

Bill: Buenos noches, Senior. Habla English.

Julio: What can I do for you?

Bill: I'm here to see Miss Senorita Tyler.

Julio: She's not here right now.

Bill: First, I have a question for you. Por favor.

There was a package delivered here

last noche about oh two o'clock.

Julio: It was Tyler 202 I ran it up.

Bill: Oh, oh great. It's Julio. Right?

Julio, do you know anything

about that package who delivered it?

Julio: I can't say. I got here about 7:45.

The box was already on the table.

Bill: I appreciate it. Thank you. Muchos gracias.

Julio: No prob.

* (country music)

(opens door)

(door creaking)

(silence)

(door slams shut)

(footsteps)

- Bill: Phyllis. - Frances: Phyllis?

Frances: Who's there? (scoff) Uh, who's there?

Bill: Who's there?

(cricket noise)

(click)

Frances: Bill, (deep breath in) what are you doing here?

Bill: Frances. (nervous chuckle) (deep breath) It's you.

Frances: Yeah. (chuckles)

Bill: Phyllis wanted me to stop by on my way home,

(lowered voice) and take a look something here.

Wanted me to take a look at Parker's gun.

Seems that somebody sent it to her,

and she wasn't sure if it was his or not

so she wondered if I could come by and take a peek.

I know that gun like the back of my hand, you know.

Frances: Is it this one?

Bill: Um, (clears throat) yeah, yeah, that's the gun all right.

Frances: Phyllis gave it to me at the club today.

She knows this is her daddy's gun.

Bill: Oh, good.(nervous chuckle) I'll just go on home then.

Frances: Well, uh, how did you happen to have a key

to my daughter's apartment?

Bill: Um, well she gave it to me.

Yeah, it seems that she said that I'd probably beat her here,

so, you know, she had to stop for gas or something

and she gave me the key (nervous chuckle) to open that...

I'll just leave it right here.

Frances: All righty.

Phyllis: Bill. Oh my God. What a great surprise.

I wasn't expecting you.

Bill: Phyllis, there's somebody there. (clap)

There's somebody here Phyllis. (lights go on)

(crickets)

- Phyllis: Mother. - Bill: (nervous chuckle)

Told you.

Phyllis: Oh wow. Hi mother.

So, mother, that um clapper thing,

I see what you mean. What a cool idea. (claps - lights go off)

(laughs) Oh I love it. (claps - lights go on)

You know, how many times are you really, really

tired on the sofa and you're halfway into a nap

and then you have to get up and turn off the lights,

and you are so bummed out because it wakes you up again.

Or better yet think of the fun you can have at parties

with this, Halloween for sure.

(door closes and Bill leaves)

Phyllis: Oh mother you are so clever. (cries)

* (harmonic jazz music)

Phyllis: (crying)

Frances: Phyllis. I just don't know what to say.

Phyllis: (crying)

Frances: I just, I just don't know what to say.

* (harmonica jazz music)

I really don't know what to say.

Phyllis: (crying)

(silence)

(door closes)

* (Bruce Henderson "Swimming Through the Ashes") *

Bill: Hey the clicker on that garage door is not working.

Jill: Well you're early.

Bill: Yeah.

Jill: You said on the machine that you were...

Bill: I changed my mind.

I'm a little too tired for tennis.

* I can't hate you for the things you do *

Bill: Damn this lazy Susan thing.

I mean it's not the ideal liquor cabinet.

The guy was definitely not a drinker.

Jill: What guy?

Bill: That John Quincy Adams or Rutherford B. Hayes

whoever the hell invented... (mumbling)

Grover Cleveland, Warren Harding,

yeah that's it little teetotaler Warren

got to be one of his... (mumbling)

Jill: No dear. It was Jefferson.

Bill: ( deep sigh) Well whatever, okay.

Jill: For the record Harding wasn't a teetotaler.

He was a huge drinker.

Famous for staying out all night carousing around

getting tanked up with his pals.

He died suddenly, you know,

on a vacation train trip with his wife.

She wouldn't let them do an autopsy.

Cool as a cucumber at the funeral too.

It was never really determined what Harding died of.

I think the wife just got tired of his messing around,

and she poisoned him. What do you think?

Bill: What's for dinner?

* (Mexican music)

(chatter)

Bill: How y'all folks tonight?

Hey Steve. Thanks a lot. Good to see you.

* (Mexican music)

- Waiter: (gives notes to Bill) - Bill: What's this?

(laughing)

* (jazz music)

(chatter)

* (jazz music)

(chatter continues)

Frances: (cries)

* (jazz music)

(louder chatter)

Bill: Yeah. Boys, I got to go see a man about a dog.

(keys clanking)

(toilet flushes)

(zipper up and down)

Bill: (laughs) You scared me Sally.

Sally: I didn't think anything scared you, sir.

Bill: Oh come on, we'll all grown-up people here.

Sally: So what are you doing up here missing your big party?

Bill: Well I'm... What are you doing up here?

Sally: Well somebody's got to keep all the ladies dry.

Bill: (mumbles)

* (Mexican music)

* (jazz music)

(door closes)

Sally: Well, how's it going out there Miss Tyler?

How are you and all those First Ladies making out. Huh?

Phyllis: Oh, everybody is having a blast.

But you know something Sally,

a certain one of us might be a little bit more first

than what appear to the naked eye.

Sally: The only problem about being first is staying first.

- Paula: Phyllis. Sacred Rose? - Phyllis: Huh?

Paula: Your lipstick.

That's the name of the color. Isn't it? Sacred Rose.

Phyllis: Uh, yeah.

Paula: How long have you worn that Sacred Rose color Phyllis?

Phyllis: I don't know. Why?

Paula: Well what a pity.

Even sacred roses eventually

fade, wilt, and die a sad death in time. Don't they?

Phyllis: I don't know what you're talking about Paula.

Paula: Well let me explain it to you Phyllis.

While you've been sitting there flashing

your adorable little Scarlet smile

your sacred president, it appears has developed

a certain little fondness for a new shade of pink.

Pink Surrender, I think it's called.

Genny: Hi girlfriends! (closing door)

Paula: Sit here honey. It's still warm.

Genny: Oh thank you.

Phyllis: Genny. What an adorable shade of lipstick that is.

* (jazz music)

Bill: God, oh crap, damn coots.

* ( jazz music)

- Frances: Hello Bill. - Bill: Frances.

Frances:(breath out) Nice night isn't it?

Bill: Yeah.

Frances: Oh yeah. It's a perfect night

to feel the fresh air on your skin.

The moonlight, the breeze, to be naked under the stars.

Bill: I'm just out here thinking about Parker.

Frances: Oh, isn't that wonderful

because I was just thinking I'd caught me a rattlesnake.

(rattlesnake hissing)

(silence)

* (jazz music)

Bill: Frances put that down.

Frances: Shut up Bill. Shut up and listen.

Bill: Look, if this is about Phyllis.

Frances: I said shut up. (silent lull) Good.

Now that you understand me, here's what you're gonna do.

Take off your clothes.

Bill: (laughs) Look honey, I don't know what you...

Phyllis: Now Bill. Take your clothes off, all of them

or I'll shoot you sure as I'm standing here.

Phyllis: That's just a little bolder

than what you normally wear. Isn't it?

Genny: I just bought it last week. Isn't it to die for?

Genny: Lacy's has a whole new line.

They got this whole rack that they call

smashing virgin lip shades for the real woman.

Phyllis: Oh well that is a fabulous lip color.

It's just perfect for your skin tone I think.

Oh wait a second.

You missed a little bit of your bottom line.

Do you mind if I get your lips for you?

Genny: Oh well thank you. Be careful. Not too much.

Phyllis: All right. It will just take a tad more.

Genny: You know (unintelligible mumbling)

Phyllis: I just think you need a little more lipstick.

- Genny: Wait a minute, no. - Phyllis: (yelling) Hold still!

Paula: Oh, y'all don't want to go in.

Somebody just got sick in there.

Frances: Sacred number seven hole. Oh my.

Let me see. Oh wait a minute.

Bill, I think we better clean you up first.

Isn't that the routine? Sure.

We need to clean you up.

* (jazz music)

Bill: Are you kidding?

(chatter)

Man: Paula, you look great.

Paula: This seat is reserved for the new president.

So move along.

Frances: Oh don't be such a crybaby Bill.

It's not the first time you've had your pants off.

Bill: Look Frances.

I can understand you being upset about Phyllis.

Frances: Sure I'm upset. Who wouldn't be?

Bill: Okay, then let's just talk about it then. All right?

Frances: What is there to talk about?

What's done is done.

Bill: Okay, I know that I'm partially to blame. Okay?

But you got to understand it. Phyllis was the one...

Frances: What makes you think this is about Phyllis?

Oh my, my, such a short memory.

And what else could this possibly be about?

It's about that night. Isn't it Bill?

You know which night I'm talking about. Don't you?

Bill: (silent lull) Yes.

Frances: So tell me Bill.

What happened at the Christmas party that night?

In your own words. Your version.

Bill: Frances (sighs) it wasn't any big deal.

You just had too much to drink.

Frances: You wouldn't even hold me.

You didn't even have the decency

to put your arms around me and hold me.

You pushed me away.

You looked at me like I was crazy,

and then you pushed me away,

walked out the door and left me there.

You can put the rest of you into anywhere,

and into anything that crawled or breathed,

and after all that you turn around and go after my daughter.

How could you do that to my little girl?

How could you do that to Parker?

Did my little girl fight like that when you handcuffed her?

Bill: (yelling) Oh go to hell Frances.

Your innocent little girl.

She delighted in every minute of it.

She couldn't get enough as a matter of fact.

Taught me a few new tricks.

And as for your perfect husband Parker, the model president,

the president that Bill Johnson could never be.

Well let me tell you something.

Maybe you and everybody else

didn't know the real Parker Tyler like I did.

Frances: I knew Parker Tyler.

I loved Parker Tyler.

Parker Tyler was my friend.

And you Bill Johnson I know Parker Tyler.

* (jazz music)

(footsteps)

Bill: (yelling) Frances!

Bill: Frances come back here. Don't treat me like this.

Frances please.

Phyllis: I'm going to show that Mr. President a thing or two.

I'm going to show him just how the cow chews the cabbage.

You know what I mean?

Paula: Well I think you should do that honey,

Phyllis: That's right.

You can only walk on the worms so often.

I'm telling you the hogs have left the pigpen Paula.

I'm telling you that.

- Paula: (laughing) - Phyllis: (laughing)

What is so funny?

Paula: You're right. You're absolutely right.

Phyllis: (yelling) And I'm going to be an independent,

liberated, uptight woman like you Paula. Hallelujah!

* (jazz music)

Genny: Mr. Harlan what are you drinking?

Mr. Harlan: This is whiskey dear.

Genny: Can I have some of that?

Mr. Harlan: You sure can.

Genny: Thank you.

Genny: Hi girlfriends. (silent lull)

Why y'all looking at me like that?

All right. I know what you think

that I'm dumb or immature or something.

Like I just fell off the turnip truck. Go ahead.

Phyllis: No Genny we don't think that.

I'm so sorry. I don't know what happened.

Something just came over me.

Genny: Phyllis I swear to you, I'm not even mad at you at all.

I swear to you I'm not mad.

* (jazz music)

Bill: Jill. Oh Jill. Oh God. I am so glad to see you.

(nervous chuckle) Oh Jill honey. Jill. Oh thank God it's you.

Honey, listen, I really need you to help me here.

You know, honey, I just need you to help me.

I can explain everything. I can and I will,

but first I just need you to get this...

Jill: The president needs me, huh. (chuckle) Imagine that.

The president suddenly needs me.

You know Bill, President Wilson was a very needy president.

For that reason he much preferred women to men.

As a matter of fact, all his best friends were women.

He said they were more admiring of him,

sympathetic, (sniff) and they never argued or interrupted.

Bill: Honey.

Jill: You know he was madly in love with his first wife.

- he was despondent when she died. - Bill: Jill.

Jill: He sat by her body for days,

and he just wrung his hands.

(water splash) Bill: Baby.

Jill: But he married someone else right away

because you see he really needed a wife.

Bill: Jill, Jill, I love you and you know that.

(heavy breathing) Now honey I know I made some mistakes.

I mean and I'll never...

Jill: You'll never what Bill? Lust again?

You know, I bet there are some presidents

who never lusted at all like maybe that walrus Taft

or might have been Buren or maybe Nixon,

the poor dear, he was just so pitifully sexless. Wasn't he?

Bill: Jill, I'll do anything you say.

Jill: On the other hand you got total hounds

like Roosevelt and Harding he was the worst,

but you know what honey, I think that Carter

was the one who had it all figured out.

Bill: Carter?

Jill: Yeah. Carter got it right.

Go on. Lust in your heart. Tell Playboy about it,

and then go on home to supper,

and save yourself the sloppy consequences.

Bill: Yeah, well it does make the most sense, I guess.

Jill: Oh shoot. It's almost midnight Bill.

You're going to miss the surprise I had planned for you.

(sad voice) Gosh what a shame. (sighs)

So Bill, you know what Andrew Jackson said

on his way out of office.

Bill: No honey. What?

Jill: He said, quote, I only have one regret,

that I have not shot Henry Clay

or hanged John C. Calhoun, unquote

They just don't make presidents like they used to.

Do they Bill?

(fireworks)

Man: Okay folks, it's time for the candle light celebration.

Come on let's go.

(Cheering and fireworks)

* (patriotic music)

(chatter)

Paula: (laughing)

Genny: I can't believe how (unintelligible chatter)

Phyllis: (unintelligible chatter and laughs) That's so funny.

I wish I could think of things like that.

Like I wish I could think of a really cool way

to give Bill back my handcuffs.

* (patriotic music)

(chatter)

Phyllis: I wish I could think of some really brilliant way

to give them back to Bill.

Frances: Is the search out? Where is everybody?

Phyllis: Where's my handcuffs?

Frances: You mean I got to make my own drink.

I will then, I certainly will.

Phyllis: Are you having fun out there?

Frances: If I was having any more fun

my heart would fall down from the clouds. (laughs)

Now girls, you silly things,

shall we say hail to our new chief.

Phyllis: No, I say the hell with our new chief.

* (patriotic music)

(drops gun)

* (patriotic music)

Sally: Well, hey there partner. (laughs)

I had a hunch you'd get put back together.

And then end up with Mrs. Johnson.

Oh well, maybe next time

I'll send you to Saddam Hussein's babes.

Get a little world peace started around here.

Jefferson: Sally.

Sally: Oh Hi, daddy.

Jefferson: You've got some explaining to do young lady.

Your mother is out in the parking lot crying her eyes out.

Sally: Mama? What happened? What's wrong?

Jefferson: Well, she went by your apartment

to surprise you with a cherry pie,

and guess what she found hanging on your bed post.

I don't know who he is, but when I find out,

I'm going to kill him.

(rattlesnake hissing)

* (U2 singing The Beatles' "Happiness Is a Warm Gun") *

* She's not a girl who misses much *

* Happiness is a warm gun

* Happiness is a warm gun

* Yee haw.

Subtitles Diego Moraes(oakislandtk) www.opensubtitles.org

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