Original subtitles

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I came for the 45.

Name.

Boothe. Jack Boothe.

Oh, yeah, this is it.

Just came back yesterday, Mr. Boothe.

She's all yours.

This is my first gun.

Awesome, Dad.

Cool, can I try it, Dad?

If either one of them touches that gun,

I'll throw it and you out of the house.

What?

And then we had an earthquake yesterday.

Of course, which means we're still getting aftershocks today.

I don't know if you felt it this morning.

On the freeway, the shaking was so bad

a lot of people couldn't even hold their gun straight.

According to a survey...

And it's hot, the grill is sizzling,

the hamburgers are cooking.

Looks like we're in a shooting war. Oh hell.

Please listen.

If you don't, if you won't, if you fail to understand and the same...

I've taken all the riding from you I'm going to take.

Get up and shoot it out.

I wish you were the wishing well.

You talking to me?

I could tie a bucket to you and sink you.

Pow!

What was that? What happened? Whoa, Dad.

Shhh.

Out.

Come on, man, hurry up!

Just get in the car and drive.

Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, oh, yeah

Are they going to torture me all the way to my last on ramp?

Harvey, do want to get us shot?

Hey, way to go, Dad.

Pull around and I'll flash him signs.

Just keep your hand in your lap.

You keep yours off the horn.

Unbelievable.

How can you live in a place where a little toot on the horn

or a respectable little flip-off is going to get you killed?

What have I been thinking all these years?

You don't have any regrets do you, honey?

No, I gave it my shot.

I've never lived any place this long in my life.

What have I got to show for it?

Two episodes of Dynasty.

Don't forget Murder, She Wrote.

That was a cameo.

No.

Yeah, it was just a cameo.

How can you call it a cameo?

You're not a celebrity.

What?

Dad, it's called an extra.

Whatever.

Dora, you put up with this place for the best 10 years of your life.

Buck, you gave me all the years of your life

and now it's payback because I am ready to go.

I'm like one of those oil tankers out at sea.

Once you get me going in this direction, you cannot turn me around.

Like the Exxon Valdez?

That's a good Angelino name, isn't it?

Valdez?

Why don't you call me Valdez?

Until we get out of California, you call me Valdez.

Then what will we call you?

Then you, well, you can call me Beauregard.

That's a good Virginia name.

Well, Beau, I would be most obliged

if you would kindly pull over at the next Minimart

and purchase me a mint yulep, I have a terrible thirst.

Oh, lovely.

Burn this memorable image into your brains, my friends.

I'll leave the car running in case you have to make a quick getaway.

Lock the door.

Need change, man?

What's the matter with you?

And 36 and 58...

In Virginia you have to actually be able

to add 7 and 11 to get a job there.

What a concept, huh?

Whoa.

Count your pennies.

I don't got it.

Three, three, three.

Take it from the "take a penny."

Two.

For God's sake, man, just give it to him, huh?

No, sir, I can't.

This man is coming here every day asking for two pennies,

three pennies, two pennies, every day.

No, this is business, two pennies.

Next week, I'll come in next week.

Hey bud, keep the change.

Thank you.

How much are these red licorice?

Oh, that looks good, very attractive.

Can't wait to pop one of those in my mouth.

I took the ones I dropped on the floor.

Thanks a lot, man.

And a pack of smokes.

Must be 18.

I am 18, man.

Must have ID.

Bull! You never asked for it before.

No, I know, it's new rule.

Must have ID.

Oh, you are a loser, dude.

No, I'm not loser.

It's not my fault, it's the law.

No ID, so sale.

Just give him the cigarettes. Just give him the cigarettes!

No, it's the law.

I will buy the cigarettes, OK, I'll buy then.

What do you want, filtered, non-filtered, huh?

You want a carton or something?

Yeah.

Give him a carton of anything, all right?

Let's move this along here.

Here you go.

I hear they're no more addictive than milk.

Smoke your lungs out and die!

All right, just be on your way.

Thanks for coming by, all right, take it easy.

Yes!

Everybody put their hands up!

Do it now!

Get out the way!

Do you know how long I've been waiting in line?

Shut up, man.

Damn, man, there's only $200.

I put the rest in the bank.

Do you realize how easy it would be to make $200 legitimately,

with very little down side?

I said shut up, man!

Oh, boy, I don't know what could be taking him...

You stay here, Buck.

Hey, pick me up some red licorice.

This is exactly why I am moving the hell out of this town!

The crime and the stupidity!

You talk too much, white boy.

White boy.

Oh. great, now it's a racial thing.

Is that this is about, huh?

The oppressed black man seeking retribution

for the sins of my great-great-grandfather, huh?

Well I'll tell you, pal, my great-great-grandfather

was a lousy tailor in Latvia, so it's not my fault!

Ahhhh! Harvey, Harvey, are you all right?

Come on, man, let's go!

Buck!

Dad!

Buck!

Stop the car! Stop the damn car!

Pull over!

Freeze!

Come on. Hey, call 911, call 911!

Way to go, Dad!

There it goes, my good luck piece.

We're going to need you to stick around

a few extra days, help us identify the other perp when we get him.

We were just on our way to Virginia, actually,

to get away from crime.

There's crime everywhere, Harvey.

When a bullet's got your name on it,

there's no dodging it.

Detective Jimenez is going to get you a room at the Pink Motel.

It's on us.

Hello, hello, hello.

Harvey, I'm Kathleen Sullivan.

Kathleen Sullivan! What are you doing?

Aren't you an anchor?

Well, you know how it is.

Got bumped by some little blonde from Buffalo or Syracuse.

But enough about me.

Harvey, Harvey Hockhelder, isn't it?

Hochfelder.

Hockhelder. You are a bonafide, certified hero.

Now, tell me, how did it feel?

What was going through your mind when you were

chasing after that thug?

I don't know, nothing.

I mean, my son was in danger, my dog was in danger.

Everything that I love was in that car driving away

and I just wasn't going to lie down and take it anymore.

"I wasn't going to lie down and take it anymore."

Those fighting words from this mild mannered family man,

dog-lover, an out of work actor who acted,

by everyone's account, as a hero.

Now, Harvey, on our local hero scale of 1 to 10,

of course 10 being the best, Harvey you get a 10-plus.

Nice job, Dad.

You look great, Harvey.

You think?

I don't know, they had that light straight on me.

That's not really my best angle.

That was you?

Yeah.

Right on, my friend.

You're something else. Muy bueno.

No wonder you got all these messages.

Messages?

Yeah, all of a sudden the phone started ringing.

Too much.

Look at this. KNX, KFW, Michael Jackson.

Whoa, whoa, wait, Michael Jackson?

No, honey, not that Michael Jackson,

the radio Michael Jackson.

Oh.

You know, in a weird way, after all these years,

this could be the shot I've been waiting for.

Hey, Dad, the 11:00 news is coming.

Yes? Yes, this is she. Really? Okay. Okay.

Harvey, hurry up. It's The Today Show on the phone.

Yes. Oh, yes, Miss Couric. Oh, Katie.

Well, hang on just second, Harvey's in the bathroom.

Coming up, the story of Harvey Hochfelder.

You have to tell Katie Couric

I'm in the bathroom?

Sorry.

Hello?

Yeah, sure thing, Mr. Leno, tomorrow night.

Yeah, that'll be great.

Hey, say, Jay, look, if it's not too much of an imposition

I was wondering, kind of cramped for space here.

It's hard to sleep and I just thought it might go better

if we had a place that had, you know, like maybe a spa

or massage or... Wow, the Hilton?

Dad, watch this.

Buck, don't jump on the other people, honey.

Would you stop screaming?

It's a classy place here.

Mr. Hochfelder.

Thank you.

Hello?

Mr. Hochfelder, I think you are

incredibly brave and I think you're incredibly handsome.

Oh, what show did you catch me on?

Agent.

Oh.

All of them.

But my favorite one is The Harvey Show, live, right across the pool.

Oh, God.

It's a talent artist agent, TAA.

I'm in room 214 and it's big and lonely

and I can get up there any time that you can get away.

Oh, gee, golly. I don't know what to say.

Say you'll come.

Oh, God. I'm going to have to talk this over with my people.

I'll get back to you.

I'll wait for you, Harvey.

Okay, bye.

Harvey, TAA.

Yeah, well, I told them I'd think it over.

What's to think?

That's what she said.

What's her name?

What?

What's her name?

Oh, I forgot to ask.

Oh, well, I'm sure she'll call you back.

I am sure.

Buck, woohoo! Good one!

Mr. Hochfelder.

Me again.

Hello?

Second from the left, that's him.

You sure?

100%. I was standing right next to the guy.

Take him out.

Does he know I'm here?

Yeah, he knows you're here.

He's been through the routine before.

What's he doing?

Mad-dogging you.

What's that?

Well, to be honest, in gang speak,

that means you're dead.

Buck, get the door, will you honey,

but ask who it is first.

Hey, Buck.

Who is it?

Dad.

It's me.

Well, Harvey, where have you been?

You look good.

Thank you, honey, you've been gone so long.

It was him. They got him.

Harvey, I'm so glad, ow, Harvey, what have you got in your pocket?

Cool line you're supposed to say is,

"Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"

Oh, wow, Dad, can I try it?

This is not a toy, okay?

This is a lethal weapon.

Many a person has been killed for failing to realize that.

Why do you have it, Harvey?

That's why I was late.

After I ID'd the guy, he practically confessed in the lineup.

They got the whole thing on video.

So the police thought, 'cause the guy's in a gang,

and just to be safe, that I should carry.

So I asked Detective Jimenez, our friend, I said,

"Could I have this gun? 'Cos this is my lucky gun."

He said he didn't know 'cuz it's evidence.

I said, "Let me talk to the DA, I want it."

So I went down and talked to the DA and ta-da!

Harvey, you talked to the DA?

Yeah.

Wow, Dad, can I shoot it once like out the window or something?

No, Buck.

This is for our protection, okay?

Consider yourself lucky if we never fire this thing.

Harvey, are we in danger?

Not if we're careful.

Hello? Oh, yes, yes, just a minute please.

It's TAA.

Hello?

That's great, Harvey.

We were thinking along the lines of a TV movie.

A TV movie?

Yup.

$100,000, huh?

Yup.

Why not a real movie, huh? A feature.

Harvey, Harvey. This is perfect for TV.

TV ratings are generated by current events.

Hot topics. Look, they did the OJ movie even before he was innocent.

They put Fox on the map.

They did baby Jessica before she was taken out of that damn pipe.

You know what kind of ratings those things pulled in?

It's huge, you hear me?

But you got to act on this now, Harvey, okay,

because there's no tomorrow in TV.

Okay, okay, all right.

And, I'll star, huh?

You out of your mind?

We need a real star.

See, ratings are generated by stars.

No, no, no, no, no.

They're generated by current events.

Development is generated by current events, Harvey, okay?

A movie is nothing without a star.

Then we'll get a star, okay, to play my wife, Dora.

We'll get Michelle Pfeiffer or Meg Ryan or Meryl Streep.

Look, you can have the rights for free, okay?

For free?

No, no, no, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second, wait a second.

Harvey, Harvey, for free is ridiculous.

You don't make any money, we don't make any money.

Nothing is for free in this town.

For free?

And background!

Michelle Pfeiffer is not going to do TV.

Meg Ryan.

Not going to do TV.

Wait a minute, this isn't just TV, okay?

We're talking the cover of Newsweek here.

Harvey, they're not going to do TV.

What we need is a serious TV name here.

You know what's the problem with you guys?

No guts, no glory.

Just make an offer to Sharon Stone or Michelle Pfeiffer.

We got to get a beautiful woman.

You know who'd be perfect?

Kathy Ireland.

Oh, my God.

My son was in danger, my dog was in danger.

I didn't know what to do.

I just knew I wasn't going to lie down and take it anymore.

I just knew I wasn't going to lie down and take it anymore.

My son was in danger, my dog was in danger.

I didn't know what I was going to do.

I just knew I wasn't going to lie down and take it anymore.

I just knew I wasn't going lie down and take it anymore.

Hello? Hello, Kathy?

Yo, you gonna die white boy.

Hello. Hello?

Havey, Harv, open up, Harvey.

There's someone here I want you to meet.

Kathy Ireland!

Hello, Harvey, it's wonderful to meet you.

Oh, I'm so excited to meet you!

You're playing my wife!

I mean, this is almost better than the real thing!

Oh, God!

Harvey, is that a gun in your pocket

or are you just happy to see me?

Oh, I'm so happy.

First they get us the Hilton,

now they get us this house.

Here, boy.

Hey, Buck, go check it out.

Wow, awesome, Dad.

Now, don't get too attached to this place.

No problem.

Harvey, is that lipstick on your collar?

No, that's nothing.

That's not nothing, Harvey, that's lipstick.

Well, I met the actress who's going to play you

in the movie today, she gave me a hug that's all.

Guess who's going to play you in the movie?

Oh, Harvey, we were going to move to Virginia.

We were going to buy a farm.

We're still going to move to Virginia,

but now when I get you there, we're going to be so rich,

I'm going to buy you Monticello.

You gave up your salary to star in this thing.

It's a down payment on my career.

What was the last 10 years?

Dora, look, I've been waiting for this my whole life, okay?

This is my shot, I can feel it.

What happened to the tanker who couldn't turn around?

It didn't turn around,

it just stopped to pay a call on Port of Paradise here.

Port of Paradise. Honey. Honey!

That's our man right there.

Harvey!

Hi, Kathy, how are you?

Oh, it's beautiful.

You know, this scene is really pretty good.

Yeah, but the bedroom stuff is all clich�.

Why does every movie have to have the man and woman in bed?

We are husband and wife, I mean in the movie.

So what?

Everyone knows what husbands and wives do behind closed doors.

Nothing.

What are you talking about?

My wife and I do lots of things behind closed doors.

I mean, we used to, anyway.

When the scene takes place, most definitely we did.

It doesn't advance the plot.

What are you talking about?

He would not risk his life if he wasn't in love with his wife.

We have to establish their torrid feelings for each other

to motivate the act of heroism at the end.

Are you saying if your wife wasn't putting out,

you would have let your son be kidnapped?

No, Kathy, Kathy, we have got to let

the audience see how much fun they are.

We got to let them see Harvey as a viral, vital man

who's desirable as well as incredibly adorable.

How do I know he's desirable?

How do I know this before the act?

Just the way he carries himself.

The way he provides for you.

The way he satisfies your every need.

The way he desires you.

The way his heart pounds when he's near you.

The way his hands burn when he touches you.

Oh, oh...

Harvey, wait.

Let's save ourselves for the scene.

Our feelings will be so intense, so incredibly real,

we'll explode on the screen.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I see it.

It'll be incredible.

They'll be talking about it on all the shows.

Did they? Didn't they? All America will want to know.

Hello? It's for you.

Thanks, hey, hello.

Better get home, white boy.

For crying out loud.

Where'd you learn to drive, Sears?

Yo, man, you got our homies locked up,

so now we want to kill you, man.

I did not get your homies locked up.

Man, you got him fingered.

Yeah.

Technically, I fingered one.

I collared the other.

Technically, we gonna bust a cap up in you, bust a cap.

Wait, wait, wait. That doesn't make any sense.

You're just going to get in trouble.

Man, we're already in trouble, man.

We pop you it won't make no damn difference.

Are you kidding?

Do you know who I am?

Do you know how famous I am in this country?

If you kill me, they're going send the FBI.

They're going to send the National Guard.

No, no, you messed with our homies, man.

So you got to get that, all right?

Word up!

It's as simple as that.

That's the way it goes down in the hood, baby.

That doesn't make any sense.

How is getting me got going to help your friends, huh?

Now kidnapping, that would make sense.

I mean, I don't have a lot of money.

They studio's got a lot of money and maybe, you know?

Now you're making some sense, fool.

Yeah, but kidnapping's a very difficult crime to get away with.

Look at Leopold and Loeb, for instance.

Those guys are geniuses, they couldn't even get away with it.

What you trying to say that makes us?

Yeah, what, what, you heard him.

I got it, hey, I got a way you guys

can really make something out of this.

You can be in my movie.

What?

You guys can play your homies in the show.

That way you don't have some stupid actors screwing up the part.

You guys will be there, you'll get it right, right?

And you can make a lot of money in the process.

Picture it, huh?

You guys are out there, it's the climactic scene, right?

You're the agents of change, you're the antagonists.

Why would you call us names?

It's a good thing.

Every movie has an antagonist and a protagonist.

Protagonist, that's me, right, I'm the star,

and the guy who screws with the protagonist,

that's the antagonist, that's you guys, right?

Like Hepburn and Tracy, Bogart and Bacall, we'll be co-stars.

Hey, don't be screwing with us, man.

No, no, no, nothing can happen without me.

No one can sneeze without me.

I'm in charge.

You sure?

Hey, we're there, huh?

Okay, right there and right there.

Now you do realize the agency collects 10% off the top.

What the hell you mean 10%, man?

Okay, fine, 5.

Okay, man, what up, what up?

How about that, the next Wesley and Denzel

are going to be in my movie, huh?

Boys, boys, you've got to go straight over to the studio

for a fitting, you shoot day 3.

We don't want those girls working overtime.

All right, you're gonna be great, guys, really.

Okay, call the police.

What? What are you talking about?

Those guys, they kidnapped me right out of my car.

I just promised them a part in the movie 'cause

they were going to kill me.

What?

Why would they kill you?

Because it was their homies that held up the Minimart.

This is payback time.

What's the problem?

Harvey, we have a contract with them.

We can't just break a contract.

What? Are you kidding me?

Harvey, we just made an arrangement with those two boys.

We can't go back on our word.

What do you think this is?

This is Hollywood.

Get someone to take Harvey to his car.

I got to tell you, Harvey, I'm with him.

Those boys are sensational.

They could be the next Wesley and Denzel.

Are you out of your minds?

They tried to kill me.

Yeah, but now they're clients.

Harvey, you're a genius.

Hello?

Dora?

Dora?

Dora. Dora! You okay?!

Hey, you scared me.

Wait till you hear what happened to me today.

I don't want to hear about your day, Harvey.

I'm sick of hearing about your days.

I was kidnapped at gunpoint, that's why I was late.

I just don't care anymore.

You don't care?

Well, let's just say, I don't believe you.

It's all lies.

Lies? I'm telling you the truth.

Lies, Harvey.

Just like moving to Virginia was a lie.

That was never a lie.

Okay, you were there.

We were headed for the freeway.

You're the one that wanted the damn diet soda.

So now it's my fault.

No, it's nobody's fault.

Events beyond our control have taken place, okay?

Oh, Harvey, that's bull!

Nothing's beyond our control.

We can walk away whenever we want.

What? And give up everything I ever worked for?

Dora, this is God.

This is God standing before me and saying, "Harvey,

here it is, this is your big shot."

You deserve this, enjoy it while it lasts.

And he's telling me and Buck to stuff it?

We have to give up everything that we've worked for?

Is that fair?

I can't, I can't do anything about that, okay?

God's plan is a secret.

Your plan is a secret, Harvey.

You think I don't realize that you've been

carrying on with that actress?

What are you talking about?

You smell of cheap perfume.

Cheap?

Go ahead, Harvey, defend her perfume.

Make my day!

Honey, we were rehearsing.

It's called method acting, okay?

We have to be comfortable with each other

or else it's going to look phony.

All the great actors do it.

You should be honored that I care enough

to make sure that our relationship is depicted correctly on film.

People are going to say, "Gosh, they really, really loved each other."

I'm doing it for you, honey.

Don't think that it's easy.

Well, I'm going to spare you

ever having to go through that ordeal again.

You see her one more time and we're through,

Buck and I are gone.

What?

You heard me.

I have to see her.

We're doing a movie together.

Choose, Harvey.

This is ridiculous.

That's my bottom line.

I have to get some sleep.

We film tomorrow!

This could cost me zillions and zillions of dollars.

I could be sued!

Sued for money or sued for divorce,

either way you're sued and screwed.

You can't do this.

Choose!

This isn't fair.

Life isn't fair, Harvey.

Okay, you win. You win! You win.

Change the oil every 3,000 miles

and send me a postcard when you get there.

Harvey, Harvey, where you been?

Come on, we got a whole set waiting here.

Wait, wait, what's the shot?

Lay the shot out for me.

Okay, we're going do it all in one.

We start in tight on a snow scene.

It's a little New England village.

We pull back to reveal it's a child's toy, a snow shaker.

We pull back further to reveal you're holding it,

staring at it.

You're in bed with Kathy Ireland.

Kathy looks at you and says, "What's going on?"

You say to her, "We're moving to Virginia."

She's overwhelmed by this knowledge.

She makes mad, passionate love to you.

I love that.

Great, let's go do it.

Wait, wait, wait, why New England?

Why a New England snow scene?

Because that's what's in the script.

But we're moving to Virginia.

Virginia, New England, they both have seasons,

they're back east somewhere.

Okay, think of it as an homage to RKO, an homage to Wells.

It's a snow shaker, right?

It's a rose bud.

That's great, that's great, that's great.

Kathy!

Kathy, please.

I want you I need you

Harvey, control yourself, would you, please?

Save it for the shot.

Clear the set!

Clear the set please.

Everybody clear out, here we go.

Let's go people.

Here we go, lover boy.

And lights.

Camera, and action!

The Harvey Hochfelder story, scene 1, shot 1.

Ah!

Aaaaahhhh! Aaaaaahhhh!

Tonight, startling footage that will shock you.

Graphic videotape of a convenience store robbery

that left one man dead and a family fatherless.

Also, Bongo the chimp has twins

and the Dodgers and Padres head-to-head in a southland slug-fest.

It's all coming up at 11.

Yee-haw!