Original subtitles

- This one, here,

got the automatic.

- Hi, Melanie. - Hey, Jim, I'm sorry.

I can't believe how late I'm running.

I'm early.

- Come on, Billy.

- It's like a war out there.

- Well, stay warm. - 'Night, Marty.

- Bye, Jim. - 'Night.

- Hey, Jim, Howard can't make it tonight.

- Why, he's working overtime again?

- No, his wife is sick.

He was gonna speak for me tonight.

- Hey, listen, man, you don't wanna know

what's goin' on with me.

- When was the last time you spoke at a meeting?

- About seven months ago, why, you don't remember?

- You need it.

- Hey. - Hi, how you doin'?

- Okay, I'm okay, how you doin'?

Doing good.

- Yeah. - I'm doing good.

- Doing all right, you look great.

- Hey, Marty.

- Hey, Tony, well, it's day 25.

- 26. - 26, great.

Your sponsor's in the kitchen. - Okay.

- Get the fuck outta here, fucking way.

Hey. - How you doing, Jimmy?

- How you doing, good to see you.

Listen, I called you back, but I got your machine

so, you know, it didn't pick up or something, you know?

- Yeah, well, I didn't get the message but--

- No, no, I called you. - All right, whatever, you--

- How you doin'? - I'm all right.

Well, I'm upset, I'm angry, I'm, I'm nervous.

I'm angry, you know-- - Why, the resume again?

- The resume, man, you know, the resume already,

you know, I'm like I go to the computer place

or the printing whatever the hell it is, I go there

to pick it up, I hand over the 25 bucks.

- Right. - Which is ridiculous.

Then I go to a diner to pick up my 579th cup of coffee

you know, I gotta refuel, gotta refuel,

another cup of coffee, it's 11 o'clock and I'm still tired,

but I'm wired, tired and wired.

So, I leave, I walk two blocks, look at this hand,

then I look at this hand, shaking, oops, no resume--

- Hey, Tony, let me ask you-- - Back in the diner--

- Tony. - What?

- You wanna hear this? - Yeah, I heard it already.

- You don't care, then I don't care.

- Tony, hey, did you drink today?

- No, but I'll tell ya, I'd love

a nice Mexican with a lime, you know,

I just wanna get wasted, man.

- So what, you're an alcoholic.

- Yeah, definitely. - Yeah.

So then why don't you go out there and put

some fuckin' ashtrays on the chairs, all right?

Go on. - Yeah.

- Hey, Tony, help me out here.

Let's move the chair. - No, no, no, leave it--

- You're just, you're making it harder.

- Leave it, leave it.

- Hey Marty, what's up?

- Debbie, glad you made it.

- Yeah, right. - Hey.

- Hey there, how you doin', Jasmine?

- I'm doin' good, what is this?

- It's a cotton animal that I slaughtered and--

No, I don't like fur.

I don't wear fur, I'm against it, I love this lame.

- Child, isn't it nice? - Jasmine, I'm,

I'm reading the Bible. - You readin' the Bible?

Where, where'd you start?

- In the beginning. - Good.

- Yeah, you think that's good?

I'm still smoking though, Marty did you

bust out and buy some hot cocoa--

- Put some more in the baskets.

- The little packages, they're very cheap.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, Marty, she's readin' the Bible.

- Well, don't tell her how it turns out.

- No, they've known since this morning

that Dr. Rubin was gonna cover for me,

Now I'm sure he's there, yes, just page him.

Yes, I'll be back in an hour, okay.

- Hey, skinny, you spare some change for alcohol research?

Fine, you can keep it.

- Come on. - All right.

- Carol, can you read the preamble for us?

Shelley, would you?

- Yes.

- These always go first, you know?

- Yeah. - Get a long black coat.

- Change your mind yet?

- Marty, no.

- Why?

- 'Cause I'm not in the mood, that's why.

- What's eatin' you?

- I just don't feel like talkin' about it, all right?

- When you're asked to talk, you say yes, you know that.

- Yeah, there are no rules in AA.

- Now come on, help me out.

I need, I need to hear a real war story tonight.

- Then go fuckin' rent Apocalypse Now,

really, get off my back. - Shh.

- Come on, Marty.

Jesus Christ, all right, happy?

- Gotcha.

And here to share his experience, strength

and hope with us tonight is Jim.

- Come on, Jim.

- Hi, I'm Jim, and I'm an alcoholic.

- Hi Jim.

- And there's no escaping from that because that's who I am.

Yeah, you know, I could, I could take a little kid

to the zoo or I could make an egg cream

or I can even ride a fucking camel if I wanted,

but what I can't do is have a fucking drink, and that's all

that matters, one drink, just one, you know what I mean?

I've been a drunk and a drug addict for 25 years

and I'm sick of it, I really didn't wanna be up here

tonight, but Marty cornered me, so what's my story?

I was born an only child to a really,

really sweet angelic Italian woman

and to a poor, fucking embarrassed-to-be-Jew father,

Saul, or as he preferred to be called in the neighborhood,

Sal, when I was nine, I made a xylophone

out of Saul's empties.

I took them to school for show and tell,

and that was the very first time and the only time

that my father beat the shit out of me,

pulled the belt right out of his pants,

had a Joe DiMaggio buckle on it.

Imagine that, Joe D, and he whipped the shit outta me.

That night, I stole a bottle from my dad, a whole pint.

Scotch.

Man, did I sleep, like a fucking top.

By the time I got outta high school, I was a daily drinker.

Thank God I landed a job at a steakhouse

in the Theater District, I could drink around the clock.

I was hiding it, you know, I'd be pouring it

in a fucking styrofoam cup.

You know, we figure like no one ever fucking knows.

Trust me, by, you know, midnight, I was seating

people on the fucking roof.

I started getting up to about a quart a day

after about three years, a quart a day,

that's all, that ain't nothin', you know why?

'Cause I wasn't even gettin' drunk anymore

on a quart a day, I mean I wasn't even gettin' high,

where is that at?

That's when I started doing heroin.

I wasted 10 years of my life, strung out, broke, alone,

except for my only friend, some Ninth Avenue hooker, Tanya.

I mean, I knew about AA and all that shit.

I had some little shit-faced neighbor of mine,

he took me to a meeting, fuck that.

I thought it was for boozers, man.

Holy rollers, Bowery bums, I didn't need it, fuck that.

Do it on my own, man, kick dope.

Shit, I once went a whole month, just to prove to myself

that I could do it on my own.

I didn't even smoke a fucking cigarette,

that's how cool I was and then, I met my goddess.

Man, did we fall in love.

It was the greatest, the greatest feeling.

Gawd, we started going out, couple weeks,

boom, moved in with her.

I mean I was still drinking and she didn't know

that I was an alcoholic, I mean she used to drink champagne

with friends and I used to join her, you know,

it's a celebration, she didn't know, what did she have

to know, you know what I mean?

I wasn't druggin' or anything, just drinkin'.

Then I asked her to marry me.

She said yes, wow, Jesus Christ,

I was in heaven.

Till I had one of those disasters.

She took me to meet her family, all 200 of them.

I couldn't deal with it, I guess I just freaked.

I go upstairs and I never, ever come back.

I passed out, boy, that pint went fast.

She got me into a cab, we got back to New York

and she looked at me and she says,

"I love you, I'll marry you, but you're going

"into rehab or I'm history."

Well, I checked right in.

I had no choice, I loved her.

I was sober, we were like a regular married couple.

We went on picnics and took rides

on the Staten Island Ferry.

That was almost three years ago.

A lot of you know about eight months ago, Janie died.

Just like that, brain aneurism.

Man, sometimes I go home now

and I still expect to see her there, you know?

Gawd, I wish I would've made love to her a little more.

If only I woulda known.

You know, I guess I'm just fighting it today.

Christ, you wanna know the truth?

I just wanna get high!

I just don't understand it anymore, you know?

I just don't get it.

I mean I know that Janie just had to go, I guess, you know?

But I mean I, I never knew love like that,

before her.

I just don't wanna be with anybody else.

Fuck!

But, hey, you know, the guy that brought me into this room,

he said you know don't think,

don't drink, and go to a meeting.

And that's, that's worked for me

a day at a time.

Thanks.

- In accordance with the seventh tradition,

it's time to pass the baskets, so give what you can.

If you can't, keep coming back.

We need you more than we need the money.

Okay, now, any visitors from-- - Gonna get some air.

- Visitors from out of town or anybody new

that's been in these rooms that wants to say hi?

- I knew you had money. - Hi, my name is Rachel.

I'm an alcoholic and an addict.

- Hi Rachel. - Welcome.

- Anybody counting days?

- Yeah, my name's Tony and I'm a drunk and I have

26 days today.

- Yay.

- Thanks.

- Yeah, hi, my name is Dennis and I'm an alcoholic.

- Hi, Dennis. - Hi.

And I have 72 days.

- All right.

- Look, Jim, I just want you to know that I know it,

I know it was hard for you, but it meant so much to me.

You spoke the truth.

- It was fairy tale.

A big lie. - Wait a minute.

What can we do, all right, we got one day at a time,

that's all we do, c'mon.

Substance abuser.

- Hey, put those cookies back, shame on you.

- Debbie, alcoholic, I got 90 days.

Rock, rock!

- Anybody else counting days?

- Hi, my name is Charlie and I'm an alcoholic.

- Is anybody else celebrating an anniversary tonight?

- Hi, my name is Terry and I'm an alcoholic.

- Hi Terry.

- And I'm confused about my anniversary

because I'm not sure if I should count the days

I was tied up in a straitjacket or not.

If not, tonight's a year.

- I think it counts.

- Joseph, drug addict, alcoholic.

By the grace of God, one day at a time, I got two years.

- All right.

All right.

- Now, okay, according to the 12th Tradition,

anonymity is the chief spiritual foundation

of our program, ever reminding us

to place principles above personalities.

What you see here and what you hear here, leave here.

Where the hell is Jim, hey, Jim!

All right, we'll continue the meeting with a show of hands.

- Hi, I'm Shelley and I'm an alcoholic.

- Hi Shelley.

- My mother is in town and she is staying with me

in my bedroom in my bed with me.

I'm just a little too old to be sleeping with my mother.

You know, if I could crawl out of my skin, I would.

I would, I would, I would, and as it is, I hardly breathe

and I pray to God that she's not able to hear me

when I'm lying down next to her.

Today, I am running all over the place

'cause is my mother's birthday coming up

tomorrow and she doesn't need anything.

She's loaded, loaded.

And you know what I'd like to get her?

I'd like to get her exactly, I would like to get her

chocolate-covered Valium--

Or I know what,

a good hit of Ecstasy, now that, that, I would like to see

on something like that.

I know I'm overreacting, and she tells me enough times

that I'm overreacting, so but I'm in the middle of it

right now and I can't see my way out, you know?

So but I have to remember that I am a survivor,

that I survived alcoholism and not to mention

the tender loving care of my mother,

so I can survive this, right?

I'm shaking like crazy.

I think, I think, I think, I think, I really think

that my, my parents are fine people

and they're just not the way that I wanted them to be.

Thanks.

- Thanks for sharing. - Thanks.

- I don't know what's going on with Jim.

- Yeah, yeah, I'm sure he's fine, I'm gonna find him.

I'll find him. - Okay, well,

let's go back to the show of hands.

- Jimmy, Jimmy, it's Tony, pick it up, pick it up.

You screen your calls, come on, pick it up.

Okay, listen, do me a favor, I want you to call 555-1234

when you get in, it's the phone booth in the hall.

Just wanna know that you're okay, all right?

- Hi, my name is Jim and I want a pint of bourbon.

Fuck, fuck.

Man, fuck!

Son of a bitch.

It's the first drink that gets you drunk.

It's the first drink that--

Fuck you in the ass, you fuck.

- See, two years ago today, I had my last drink,

my last blackout, and it was the last time

I saw my wife and little boy.

I, was drinking all morning

and I had to go up to to the Bronx, check my little boy

and drop him off with his grandmother

and then I had some business to take care of.

Next thing I knew, I,

I woke up in jail in a cell by myself.

I, I, I said shit, when I woke up,

you know, like fuck, done got picked up

for drunk driving or some shit like that,

so I walked over to where, um, the guard was standing

and I said, give me a cigarette

and he wouldn't turn around and he wouldn't say nothing.

So I said, come on, man, give me a fucking cigarette!

He still wouldn't, turn around,

so I said, okay, man, let me make my fucking phone call.

Let me call my wife, she don't know where I'm at.

She's worried, she don't know where the fuck I am.

Let me call my wife and my little boy.

Then this motherfucker turned around

and he looked at me and he said,

"What the fuck are you talking about!

"Don't you remember what you did?"

I said, remember what?

He said, um,

he said, "Your little boy was in car with you

"and he went through the windshield and now,

"he's at the ICU at Bellevue."

Now, I love my little boy.

I used to put him in a stroller, push him around for people

to see and now, I had his blood on my hands, you know?

I am feeling fucking crazy tonight.

I am scared!

I'm scared, Jim freaked the fuck outta me.

We used to get fucked up together,

and now, I'm afraid I'm gonna do something crazy to somebody

or maybe to myself and I don't wanna do that.

I just don't wanna do that, goddamn, my little boy.

He was only five years old.

I'm just so mad

at my fucking self 'cause I cannot drink!

Dammit.

I think I better stop talking now.

I think I better...

it'll be better if I just listen to y'all talk

because if I hadn't a-been a fucking blackout alcoholic,

none of this would've happened, am I gonna pick up again?

Fuck if I know.

I'm gonna try, I'm gonna try not to, that's all I can say.

Just thanks.

- Hey, Jimmy. - How are you?

- Long time. - Yeah.

- Good to see you. - Give me a pint, will you?

- You don't need it, Jim. - Don't tell me

what I fucking need, come on.

- Why are you gonna do this to yourself?

It's been two years. - Come on.

I don't need a fucking lecture.

- Take your business somewhere else, I don't need it.

- Spare me the bullshit.

What the fuck is this

all about - What's the magic word?

Holy mackerel.

- What are you doing, Jim? - What am I doing?

I'm comparison shopping. - Well, you're not drinking

I lived, Harry.

I fucking lived, you wore that vest every day

18 hours behind that fucking register, man, not me.

You're the sucker. - You're a lousy

fucking drinker and a pain-in-the-ass drunk, Jim.

- Yeah?

Holy Christ, you got that good shit from Passaic,

New Jersey, you son of a bitch, Harry, you motherfucker you.

- You wanna walk out or you wanna bounce out, Jim?

- Come on, let's celebrate, you motherfucker.

Happy new year, Harry, happy fucking new year.

- All right, come on. - What?

- His machine machine.

- Yeah, hello, Jimmy, you boob.

What did you go running outta here for?

Come on, man. - Yeah, come on, man.

We get, go. - Go, you--

- People here love you, man, I mean, but, you know,

I can't handle these whiners without you, man, so come on.

You gotta call.

- We love you.

- We love you. - We love you.

- Yeah, so call 555-1234, all right?

Shelley's here. - Bye-bye, bye-bye.

- Bye-bye.

I'm worried, you know?

I'm worried about him.

- It's okay. - Yeah.

- It's okay, we're okay.

- Hi, I'm Francine and I got a drinking problem.

I'm also a spend-aholic and I'm fun at parties.

I'm really in a tizzy today.

I was at Strawberries today twice and I couldn't find

anything to buy, I mean, I'm just looking

for that perfect pair of boots and the salesgirl

was useless, but I was nice to her

'cause I'm such a people pleaser.

I mean, I did, I wanted to yell at her,

but I'm trying to keep the focus on myself.

I mean, this is a selfish program, and through this program,

I've gotten to know me and frankly, I love her.

You know, it feels really good to be here tonight.

It feels like a party actually, I mean, since I've been

coming to AA, I haven't been to any parties.

I haven't needed to, I mean all you people,

you're like my entertainment committee.

I mean I hardly even watch TV anymore, I used to.

I used to tape all of my soap operas 'cause I'm such

like a drama queen, but I don't need to anymore

because of all the drama that goes on in this room.

Last week, I was at a meeting and I saw, you know,

what's that George guy, that hunk who plays

that brain surgeon guy on General Hospital?

I mean in the flesh, right?

And the way Jimmy is struggling with a tragedy

in his life, it's just horrible, it almost,

it's like too much for me sometimes, like I can't bear it

'cause like I never drank like that.

I mean I was like, what do you call where I was

a social imbiber, that's what I was.

Hey, but since I've been coming to these rooms,

I haven't touched one drop and I've got a couple of months.

I love listening to all your stories.

They're really, they're so sweet.

I wasn't that bad of an alcoholic.

Actually, to tell you the truth, sometimes, I think

I'm not really an alcoholic at all, I was just born,

you know, thirsty, you know what I mean?

Like thirsty.

- Right now,

I'm living with my mother.

My little brother Malik, he's 16, and my daughter,

she's four and we're one on top of each other.

It's a railroad flat and the bathroom is in the hallway.

And I'm out of the house most of time at least.

I go to school at night and I try to work

at Macy's as much as I can

and I'm even taking singing lessons.

It's something I always wanted to do.

But I, I, I came home early last night though,

and when I went into the bathroom,

I saw my little brother Malik sitting on the toilet bowl

and he had his belt tied around his arm

and he was shooting up.

He's using my mother's needles, she's a diabetic

so she uses the needles for insulin and it threw me back,

you know, 'cause I used to steal her needles too

when I was using, she knew, but what she gonna do?

She told me she loved me and she's gonna find out

about Malik, you know, it's just a matter of time.

It's gonna break her heart, you know, she doesn't need

this kind of problem, but so I slapped him

and we had a fight and he hasn't been home since last night.

My mother's mad at me.

I don't know what I would say to him,

you know, when I see him.

Well, what hurts is that I feel responsible

because I remember when he was a kid,

he, he busted me in the same situation in the bathroom,

you know, he saw me, threatened to tell

but he didn't because he said he loved me.

He thought his big sister was cool.

Well, his big sister is not cool

because his big sister is HIV positive.

He knows, you know, I want him to stop,

but he won't listen to me 'cause I'm, I'm,

no example to listen to, you know.

I'm not afraid of dying, you know.

I'm afraid of getting sick 'cause I know what that's like.

I seen some of my friends go through that

and I don't wanna go through that, you know?

I want the cycle to end here, you know?

I want it to end with me.

I don't know how I got it, you know, it could've been

through sex, it could've been through needles, who knows?

It doesn't matter, you know, all I know

is I keep thinking, you know, why not have a drink

when you got AIDS right, you know?

But that's just my alcoholism talking, you know,

looking for any excuse to have a drink, you know?

But the fact is I'm gonna die, you know, so is everybody.

I feel good, you know, right now.

And I wanna watch my little girl

grow up, and drinking's not gonna cure me, you know?

It's only gonna make me die sooner,

so I mean, you know, I don't have time, you know,

but, but you know, I do know

that I wanna die sober, that's it.

- Tanya, Tanya.

Come on, you know who this is.

It's your knight and shining vodka, baby.

Tanya, come on, it's Jim, let me in.

I'm in love with you again, Tanya, come on, come on out.

I'm having a party, Tanya, come on.

Come on, I meant to call you, but I lost your hallway,

Tanya, honey, that's a joke, remember me?

Tanya, Tanya.

- Jimmy, Jimmy, it's Tony, pick it up.

Come on, pick it up, hey, listen.

Do me a favor, want you to call 555-1234

when you get in, it's the phone booth in the hall.

Just wanna know that you're okay, all right?

Okay, gave us a little surprise there.

- You boob what did you go running outta here for?

- Come on, man, go. - Go.

- People here love you, man, I mean, but you know,

I can't handle these whiners without you, man, so come on.

You gotta call. - We love you.

- We love you. - Love you.

Love you. - Yeah, so call 555-1234,

all right, Shelley's here. - Bye-bye, bye-bye.

- Bye-bye.

- Shit.

- You wanna talk about bad blackouts?

I was married in one.

I was married in a blackout, I'm serious.

I was 19 years old, I was married for six weeks, yeah.

I was married to this guy named Wild Bob.

That was his full name, Wild Bob, so I guess

I was Mrs. Wild Bob, hi everyone, welcome to my life.

Do you, Debbie, take Wild Bob

to be your lawfully wedded husband, I do.

Gawd, he was a rock musician

like Gregg Allman, now what could I do?

I'm a sucker for musicians, yeah, so I've been in

and out of these rooms about four or five times now.

I'd say it took me 2 1/2 years

to get 90 days of sobriety.

That's a lot of drinking.

I don't know, I think I was pissed off

that I didn't grow up in the '60s and partied

with Janis Joplin, you know what I mean?

And everyone had that long hair and the music was great,

peace, love, the clothes, you know?

You know what pisses me, hi, hi, how are you?

Good, great, you're late, you know, I wanted to speak

about this two weeks ago and no one called on me

and now, whatever, so what was I saying?

I think what I was doing, I was trying to relive the '60s

in the '80s and it just didn't work out for me, you know?

I got stuck somewhere in the middle, but gawd,

I wanted to be Janis Joplin so bad, so bad, man.

She was great, she was so great, gawd.

She was incredible, but whatever, whatever I did, I did,

you know, I had a good time doing it and now, it's over.

My god I'm so sad, no I'm strange.

I'm a strange bird, I know, I'm weird.

I've started doing physical things to relieve the stress.

I've gotten into sports now, watching them.

I love NFL football, I love NFL football.

Jerry Rice of the 49ers, he is so great.

He is so great, and Barry Sanders, I love him.

Gawd, he's great, I love watching football

and I've become political for the first time in my life.

I went to the march in Washington, the pro-choice march.

It was exhilarating, Helen Reddy sang I Am Woman.

I freaked, I freaked, it was incredible.

I swear, I'm such a dyke sometimes, I'm such a dyke.

You know, I mean I'm not attracted to women,

but I feel like politically that I could be a lesbian,

you know, that whatever, but yeah, the march was great.

The march was really great, I think it was

like the closest thing that I ever got

to living in the '60s, you know?

And I met some people in these rooms

who were active drinkers and users in the '60s

and they said that all that peace and love

that they were looking for and, and, whatever,

hoping to find, that they found in these rooms.

I think I know what they mean, you know,

I see what they mean, I mean I can,

I could be the Janis Joplin

of the Holiday Inn circuit if I want to.

If I want to, I'll just be her clean and sober, you know?

♪ When you pass by, my pulse starts beating fast ♪

♪ My love's so strong that it just lasts and lasts ♪

♪ I can't help myself for the way I feel ♪

♪ Help myself for my love is real ♪

- Dangerous. ♪ Help myself for the way ♪

♪ I feel about you ♪

♪ I must be mad ♪

♪ I must be mad ♪

♪ I must be mad ♪ - Janie.

♪ I must be mad, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, ♪

- My son got, um, got caught yesterday walking out

of a record store with seven CDs in his backpack

and Steven's 12 now and he has a record of misdemeanors.

His therapist, who's known him since he was six,

and whose children I think I've put through school

several times

thinks that maybe he should go live with his father.

I'm scared out of my mind

that if Steven moves out that I'll drink.

When I got sober, I made a secret vow to myself.

I promised myself that I would stay sober

as long as Steven was there and I did.

One day at a time, I did, you know?

But there's a wall calendar in my head

with, um, very big red letters, it says:

when he leaves, you can drink.

You know, I used my, I used my boy, I used him

to hang on to my husband, I used him

to stay sane when I was I was drinking.

I used him to get sober and stay sober.

What about him?

You know he was life to me.

And I'd come home and I'd feel his warmth and I,

it'd take away some of the emptiness that I felt

I could read him a nursery rhyme

or I could cuddle with him, you know.

The trouble was that I was drunk,

you know, four-year-old boy cuddling every night

with a drunken mother.

I remember him sitting at the kitchen table,

you know, me coming in, guzzling big bottle

and his face,

you know, his face looking at me,

I knew it wasn't right.

Even after all this time, I find it so hard,

so hard to accept this.

I mean why, why do I have to be powerless.

Why do I have to?

Why do I got to go to AA to tell me how to be

with my son, you know, it's an instinct for Christ's sake!

All I wanna do is love my son.

They said I have to walk through the fear, innit?

Do the thing you fear and dread to do the most,

my sponsor says.

I'm a mother.

I'm a sober mother,

and I have to do what's right for my son.

How can I be of service to him?

I think I'll ask him what he wants to do.

What a concept.

If it would be better for him,

I'm willing to let him go.

♪ It doesn't strain my ear ♪

- I didn't think you were gonna come over.

- A long time.

- Well, I've been out of it.

- Hi, I am a...

my, my name is Kathy and I am a...

this is my first time, I'm,

I don't, I don't know what to do, um.

I, I don't know,

I don't wanna talk,

really, okay?

Sorry.

- Hi, I'm Carol, I'm an alcoholic.

- Hi Carol.

♪ Baby if you'll pardon me ♪

♪ I just can't relax ♪

♪ When you're talking to me ♪

♪ I keep turnin' the table ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm so unstable-- ♪

- program ♪ When you talk to me ♪

- Yeah, fuck the program, man.

We just need to loosen up.

♪ And no meaning can be had ♪

♪ When you talk to me ♪

- We're just wasting love.

♪ Please try to make yourself clear ♪

♪ So when you talk to me ♪

- You're so fucking

- It does feel good.

♪ When you talk to me ♪

♪ Please try to make yourself-- ♪

- I get too thin?

- No.

Looks like you ate a meal this year.

- My ass get too skinny?

- No, your ask looks perfect.

- My breasts. - Christ.

- They get too small? - No.

- You wanna put your mouth.

- Please, please.

♪ Please try to make yourself-- ♪

- You sure, you sure? - Please.

Yeah, yeah. ♪ So when you talk to me ♪

♪ It doesn't strain my ear ♪

- It's it's.

- Baby, feel me, feel me.

- Where's your shit? - I'm getting it, baby.

- Where's your shit? - I called.

It's coming. - Who did you call?

- I called fucking Felix.

- The asshole in the park?

- No good, I need it, I really need it.

You really gotta get it for me, you've gotta get it

for me, please, please.

Jimmy, please, I really need it, no!

- Talking about. - please.

- I called him, baby. ♪ Talk to me ♪

- Give me some shit, please, please, I need it.

- Just fucking kiss me.

♪ Please try to make yourself clear ♪

- please, please, no!

- He's calling me. - I called everybody.

You gotta do it for me.

- Calling me, what are you doing?

I called, come back here.

- Hi Rachel.

- I'm working 18 hours a day.

Most nights, I just sleep on the sofa in my office,

but, um, last night, I, I wanted to go home

and um, so I left the hospital about 2:00 a.m.

And I walked across the parking lot to my car

and um, I got in the car and um, the next thing I know,

a policeman is rapping on the window saying,

"Let me see your license, let me see your registration, what

"are you doing in the parking lot at 4:30 in the morning?"

I was freezing cold, I just sort of felt numb

and I couldn't think and I couldn't talk

and flashlight, you know,

searching the car and looking at me and finally, he noticed

the sticker on my windshield, he said,

"Are you a doctor at this hospital?"

I said, yep, that's it,

that's what I'm doing here, I said, yeah,

that I was a doctor at this hospital.

I've been working long hours and I fallen asleep in the car.

He walked me back to the hospital

and then gave me a long lecture on the danger

of parking lots and get some coffee

and get some sleep, so I was sitting in my office

this morning and I was thinking a lot

about the last time I passed out in a car

and I thought of this man here, Joseph,

because I had two kids in the back.

I wasn't driving, I just passed out

but the windows were rolled up and the car was locked

and the kids were screaming and it was sweltering hot

and the people who heard the kids couldn't wake me up

and the police woke me up that time too.

I, turned myself into the hospital and I told them

that I had been stealing Demirel from my patients

for about two years and I had always been

a big scotch drinker.

In the hospital, put me in detox and they put me

in rehab and they put me in a halfway house

with other doctors like me

and then they took me back.

They put me on probation but they took me back

to the hospital and I worked, I worked, I worked, I worked.

I stayed straight, stayed clean,

I stayed sober and I worked.

Now, I was thinking that I lost

my children and I lost my husband,

I lost my home

but I've always had my work.

It's never let me down, but this morning,

I was thinking about the similarity

between what my life is now

as a well-respected doctor

and what my life was then and it came

sort of clear to me that I have isolated myself,

um, in this crowd of doctors and crowd of patients

who were always needing me

that I've isolated myself the same way

as I used to do when I was taking Demirel and scotch

and then I thought to myself, you know, why would I do this?

Why would I do this?

And then I thought to myself, well, I think the reason

is because I have not done the work of AA.

I have not done the thing of looking

at how I blew up my life.

And um, I guess that's why I'm here

because I need help to get back

to my sponsor and I need help to get back home

to my home group and I need to do the real work,

the real work, which I had never done.

Thank you, that's my purse.

Those are my cigarettes, thank you.

Thank you.

♪ Well, here in my heart, there's a story untold ♪

♪ Of a girl I wanted for my own-- ♪

- Excuse me, I reserved this three years ago.

- Yeah, holy shit, man how you been?

I thought you were dead. - I was dead, you didn't hear?

Yeah, I was dead and I requested I be reincarnated

and they fucked up because they sent me back as myself, man.

What happened to this, where the fuck

is Jack Dempsey's picture, man, what do they do here?

- New management. - New management.

And we are powerless over it, makes our lives unmanageable.

- What kind of shit is that, man?

Barkeep!

Barkeep!

Hey, I'm looking for the barkeep.

Who are you? - My name's Rich.

- That's nice, where's the bartender?

No really.

Where's the fucking bartender?

You look like a fucking clothes designer, man.

What is this shit, no, really, who are you?

Who is he? - This is Jim.

- Hey, Jim. - What are you, a matchmaker?

What is your name? - My name's Rich.

- No, really, where's Anthony?

- I bought him out six months ago.

I take he opened a strip club out in Jersey.

- But he's happy, though?

Okay, that's good.

Well, listen, I really have to make sure

that you're an experienced mixologist, my friend.

- Drinking since I was 12. - You have?

Good for you, okay, 'cause I need a proficient,

proficient booze mechanic, okay?

Are you available for that job?

Set him up.

Doubles for everybody, okay, I'll have a whiskey

and I'll have a beer, in fact, how does that sound?

- That'd be great. - Whoo.

Gawd, look, they have charities now.

Does Mother Teresa hang here too?

I knew she drank.

Thank you, okay, here is to everyone

and fuck everything.

- No good.

- I, um, feel like I should say something, I

my name is Louis Tingley and I'm not,

I don't, I think I'm an alcoholic.

I'm, I'm stunned, actually, by this.

I came to this church for a choir practice

and when I came, I guess I was a bit fuzzy on the dates.

No one was there, so it was only second, second time,

so my eyesight isn't the greatest and I wandered downhill

looking for the men's room and well, I thought

all of you were the choir taking a break at first, you see,

and I got drawn into the stories.

I have to say, I've never, they're so real

and honest, they're, they're, I mean nothing compares

to it on television or in most movies.

I got pulled in and I thought, my god, I had no idea

that the choir had so many problems.

And then the more I listened

to your stories, the more I realize

that, well, I'm really not a drunk.

I'm not a sober either, I'm, I'm, I guess I'm a fuzzy.

That's what I'd call it, I drink to get fuzzy

and I like getting fuzzy every day.

It's not that I don't don't know what sober is.

I mean I come from New England, I come from a long line

of sober people, when they're drunk, they're sober.

Most of them are a little drunk every night

after five, but I have to say, um,

I will be honest, I admit it, I'm a hophead.

I like beer, sometimes boilermakers,

you know, one or two shots Irish, not on the side,

but I like to drop the shot right into the mug

and watch it boil and foam up.

And if there's a higher power, I can't believe

that higher power didn't create barley and hops

and allow them to sit there and ferment

and God created beer, but not light beer.

It's the devil's work or man's work.

Actually, I grew up with the Bible, you wouldn't believe it.

My mother read the Bible to me and I like that.

I remember that stuff in the Bible.

There is a season for everything under heaven

and a time and I think there's a time for drinking,

you know, every day between five and 10:00 or six and 11:00,

but I never drink alone, no, I drink at the,

around the corner at the Pegasus.

They have, gawd, I think they have seven draft beers there,

including the queen of beers, the Guinness Stout,

but you see, it's so nice to have an activity

to keep me away, to celebrate, like I,

that's part of why I'm staying here, why I wanted to go

to choir practice, I needed something, you know,

like in the Bible or in the beer ads on television,

we've had a great ballgame,

now let's have a cold one to celebrate.

A cold one is a euphemism, I guess.

I don't imagine having one beer.

I can't imagine anyone just drinking one beer

if it was any good, what am I saying?

Everyone's quiet, I'm thrown back on myself.

Perhaps I'm saying that I need like an objective constraint

outside of myself to stop me from, you know,

like in the case of the choir, a singing super ego

to stop me from rushing off to the bar

and then I'll have something to celebrate.

I, I, I, what I'm saying, I think,

is that I prefer your narratives to their hymns.

I'd like to come here every night and listen to stories

and tell stories, I really never talked like this before.

You see, what I wanted to ask if I could stay on here

is, well, I know you're supposed to be special

and I do have that feeling, I wanted to be

a nondrinking drinker, I'm not drinking now, you see.

I don't have any, it's, I don't, it's not on me,

but I will drink, I will, after I leave

this special occasion, I will go

onto the next special occasion around the corner,

the Pegasus, and watch Henry pour a slow draft

of Double Diamond and watch its amber head foam up

and lift it to my lips and feel its foam on my mustache

and slide down like liquid bread

and then to bed and...

but thank you for letting me talk.

I'm, I didn't,

if there's a donation plate that I missed,

I'll give something before I go out the door.

♪ Here's a heart for you ♪

- Ready for this shit?

This fucking bill, okay, it ain't the fucking Sox, man.

Look at this, transfer of remains.

Transfer of remains, 500 fucking dollars.

If I knew it was 500 fucking dollars,

I would've carried her my fucking self, man, how dare they?

How fucking dare they, and now they're sending

some fucking jackass collection agency after me, fuck them!

Fuck them in the ass, I ain't fucking paying it.

And I'm an alcoholic, you know?

- Really? - You know, I went

to that AA shit and those fucking zombie asshole

motherfuckers, I mean, it's unbelievable.

You can't drink anymore after you go to that shit.

I mean I wanna fucking get loaded and I can't.

It's driving me fucking nuts.

I never used to count my fucking drinks

before I went to those fucking places.

I mean you go in these fucking meetings

and there's like, I don't know, 100 fucking people there

and all they talk about is fucking booze.

That's all they fucking talk about, drinking and drinking,

but they don't fucking drink.

What the fuck is that all about?

It's like a bad fucking Polish joke.

Well, you walk into a bar, you know,

don't set 'em up, Joe, fuck that shit.

I am getting loaded tonight, how are you?

- I gotta get going.

- You got kind eyes, man, you know?

I see in, in, in your face and in your smile,

You're, you're a good guy, you're a good guy.

- I'm late. - You're what?

- Late. - What the fuck does,

don't you understand? ♪ To let you go ♪

Don't you understand what I'm saying?

I got sober and my wife fucking died.

Pretty awful.

- It's pretty awful, I'd say it's pretty fucking awful.

Hey, who's playing the fucking jukebox?

Pretty fucking awful, I mean am I laughing?

- No. - I'm not laughing.

I'm not even fucking smiling.

- I know, I know. - People drink

and they fucking having a good time

like those fucking assholes over there,

I mean they have a good time, party, get down.

- Listen, I gotta go.

- Why the fuck did she have to die, you know what I mean

why her, I mean why not that fat fuck over there?

- Who are you calling fat fuck?

- Eat my ass. - I really think,

I gotta go. - Don't you understand?

Really, don't you understand what I'm saying?

- Please, I gotta go, please.

- How about you?

♪ I love, love you so ♪

- Do any of you ever feel like you'd rather be dead

than be sober I mean it's just a glass

with liquid in it, right, so why can't I control it?

Why does it have to be so good?

You know, but it's okay because, um, see, somewhere

in the back of my head, I think, someday,

I am gonna be able to control it.

Someday, I'm gonna be able to have a few drinks

and I'm gonna be able to walk away from it.

And yeah, yeah, I know that's the wrong way to think.

I know I'm just at the beginning of something, okay?

I know that, but you know,

I have to sit here and I have to listen to all you guys

talk about how grateful you are,

and it, it, it makes me just, you know,

pray for the day when I can sit here

and I can be grateful too, you know, when I can be

just right where, where, um, where you are.

I don't feel any better today than I did the first day

I walked in here, like right now, more than anything

in the world, all I really wanna do is I wanna drink.

I just, I wanna drink, I wanna drink, I wanna drink

and then I wanna drink some more.

And, yeah, you know, I know that it's,

it's my choice, but it's not really

because I need it.

I mean me sitting here right now is really just a bunch

of horse shit 'cause

I picked up this morning.

I drank, I had a shot, I smoked a joint.

I had to, I had to get through it, you know?

And you know what, I hate to tell you this,

but it helped me, you know, I only had one.

I didn't black out, but I needed that one to just get me

through it, you know, to calm me down.

And I don't think

anybody can really understand me for that.

See, I was gonna go out and I was gonna get drunk

tonight but, you know, I had this plan, but for some reason,

I came here and I guess I'm here

because I really want somebody to stop me

because I just can't do it.

You know what?

You know, don't fucking stare at me like that,

all right, because I do not need

your goddamn pity.

- Hello.

You know where Felix is?

Did you see, you know who Felix is?

Did you see Felix?

All right.

- Yeah, what's up, homes?

- You see Felix? - Felix who?

- You don't know who Felix is?

- I said Felix who, right, I say, home, you sure

I can't help you out with?

You sure?

- Excuse me, princess, Jesus fuck, honey pie.

- Yeah, baby. - You know where Felix is?

- Yeah, Felix got busted last week, he's in Rikers now.

Unfortunately.

- He's in Rikers? - Yeah.

- Fuck!

- Before I came to these rooms, I was afraid

I was afraid of my own shadow.

- You okay? - Yeah, yeah, I'm okay.

I feel like a jerk I'm sorry I acted out.

- You know, you said you wanted us to stop you.

We can't stop you.

- Yeah, I know.

- We can help you, but we can't stop you.

Been making meetings? - Yeah.

- Got a sponsor?

- Yeah, I have a sponsor, I have an idiot

for a sponsor, I have myself.

- You can't sponsor yourself, that's my number.

Instead of picking up a drink, pick up the phone

and call me.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Thanks.

Look at you, you're so together, you're so fucking perfect.

- I'm just a garden-variety drunk

and in one day, same as you.

- Gawd look at me, I look like shit.

- No, you you look fine.

I mean, listen, mirrors, you can't trust this mirror

and these lights no, make everybody look horrible.

Squint, you look beautiful, try it, come on, squint.

Say, I look fabulous.

- I look fabulous.

- You look fabulous. - You look fabulous.

- We look fabulous.

- Do I put money in for this or?

- No, no, no, no, this is free.

Yeah, free.

- You know, actually not an alcoholic.

- Yeah, you said that. - So I don't know if I--

- Would you like some?

- It's all right to-- - Yeah.

'Cause it's just tea.

- Of course.

Well, I'll be having beer afterwards--

- Right. - As I said at the meeting.

- So you want it or not? - What?

- The tea. - Yeah.

- Okay. - Make it herbal, it's fine.

- All right, now-- - Something different.

I haven't had that since I was a hippie.

I like it at night though 'cause I don't like to get wired.

That's-- - Here.

- Thank you. - Keep coming back, okay?

- For tea? - At meetings.

- Meeting, yeah.

- I'd like to thank you all for being here tonight

because I needed you, okay, I'd like to end

the meeting with, yes?

- Hi, my name is Kathy and I'm an alcoholic.

- Hi Kathy.

- I came here tonight because, um,

not knowing if I was, um, you know, an alcoholic and stuff

but, after listening to all of you,

I'm pretty sure that I am

or, I think we've done

a hell of a lot of the same things,

like blackouts and everything and, um, or felt

a lot of the same way or something.

We, um, we definitely drink a lot.

I, I came here tonight because, um,

I didn't know where else to go.

I don't really have friends because I drink.

I don't, I don't have a home because I drink.

I, I live in a women's shelter and,

and I'm pregnant and I don't know what I'm going to do,

but I know that, um, that I need to stop drinking

and I wanna be able to keep the baby

because I have so much inside me, I just,

I just need someone to give it to, that's why I'm here.

The father, he left.

I woke up and he was gone, that hurts.

I was sleeping in a car, he drinks.

I was, um, I was sleeping in doorways

and I don't want my baby like that but it's like I keep

drinking with any money that I get,

I can help it and I need help.

I'm scared.

But um, who knows, I mean I'm here tonight

and, um, I don't really like to talk because I know

that I don't talk right.

I'm done.

- Kathy, all you have to have to come here

is a desire to stop drinking and you've got that, okay?

I don't know what's gonna happen to me.

This meeting hasn't given me all the answers,

but I know when I'm here, I won't drink,

Okay, all right, let's end the meeting with a moment

of silence for those still sick and suffering,

both outside and the other rooms,

followed by the Serenity Prayer.

- God. - God.

- God, grant me the serenity to accept

the things I cannot change, the courage to change

the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Keep coming back, it works if you work it,

so work it, you're worth it.

- You wanna get a coffee? - Yeah, a coffee sounds good.

- You wanna hit the diner? - Yeah.

- Jasmine, Jasmine, Jasmine?

- Yeah? - I'll walk.

- Okay, okay.

- Yeah, yeah, I.

- You know, why don't you stop fucking lying about it?

♪ The way you make love all day, yeah ♪

♪ Bo, bo, bo ♪ ♪ Bohemian Daddy ♪

♪ You all in my dream ♪

♪ You've got me out, love, love me ♪

♪ Whoo, ooh, ooh ♪

- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Fuck one day at a time.

It's one night at a fucking time.

Happy, joyous and free,

there you are.

♪ Down where we met ♪

♪ And where you make love ♪

- Hey Ricky.

♪ Bohemian daddy, I love you so ♪

- Some of the guys told me about what happened to your wife.

Sorry, man. ♪ I love you so ♪

♪ I love you so ♪

- How long ago did she, die?

- lie anymore.

- Sorry.

- I couldn't live the lie anymore.

- What lie is that?

- The fairy tale.

I'm a hero.

I stopped drinking and I become,

I become the ideal fucking husband for two years

and my beautiful darling Janie, I am,

like Father Knows Best, man, I mean I'm talking breakfast

in bed, kisses on the Staten Island Ferry.

I did it all, you know?

And then the little lady dies.

Poor Jimmy Epstein.

Pity the poor sober martyr.

That's what I told myself.

It is a lie.

I mean I didn't drink, but I didn't know who the fuck I was.

I didn't know who the fuck she was.

I didn't even know what to say to her.

I mean I had to just, I was just sorta hanging around.

I was just staring at her with this blank fucking expression

All I was thinking about was drinking.

- That can't be true, man, I mean you turned your life

around, she must've been proud of you.

- Don't tell me what was true, what was true.

It was too goddamn late, I mean I turned into a ghost,

come on, I mean I might've been sober, okay,

but I tell you something, I was sober,

but we had two of the most painful,

empty slow years anyone could ever have.

We never connected

and that was so fucking true that you couldn't even say it.

We were a hoax.

I couldn't even help her 'cause I didn't even know

who I was, I got lost somewhere.

And you know what?

I don't even care.

- Richard, honey, you can't get too involved.

People need you.

- Hang tight, man, I'll be right back.

- He's cute but he's a mess.

- Yeah, right, there's nobody else to talk to.

♪ Sweeter than ♪

♪ The honey dew ♪

♪ Sweeter than sugar ♪

♪ From candy too ♪

♪ This is my love ♪

♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ This is my love ♪

♪ This is my love, this is my love ♪

♪ Always beside me ♪ ♪ Run, run, run ♪

- Hey, Rich, fucking guy is shooting heroin in your bar.

- Fucking I'll deal, I'll deal with--

- All right. - Hey, Jimmy, Jimmy,

come on, man, this is no fucking answer, okay?

Come on, hey, come on.

Sit down, hey, sit the fuck down, you wanna help?

Clean this shit up, come on.

- Come on, man. - Jimmy, let's go.

Let's talk a walk. - Keep that fuck away from me.

Shit.

♪ Pain in my heart ♪

♪ All my dreams are forsaken ♪

♪ My, baby ♪

- Hi, I'm Toby.

I'm a drunk, I got three days now.

- Hi, I'm Freddy, I'm an alcoholic.

By the grace of God, one day at a time,

I'll have six months tomorrow.

- All right.

- Hi, my name is Lucy, I'm cross addicted

and it's seven days.

- My name is Tom, I'm an alcoholic and a pothead

and I have 10 days back.

- Jim.

I'm an alcoholic.

I drank last night.

I'm back where I started again.

In 24 hours, I'll have one day.