Original subtitles

MALE REPORTER: AN ACCIDENT ON THE Q.E. WEST AT TRAFALGER HAS TRAFFIC...

YOU GUYS ARE ON YOUR OWNFOR BREAKFAST.

AND LUNCH,AND SUPPER.

AND EVERY MEALAFTER THAT.

WE COUNT ON YOU, EM.

I COUNT ON YOU.

AND WHAT A SUPER JOBI'M DOING.

SPIKE:YOU ARE.

LOOK, I GOTTA GOOR I'LL BE LATE

GETTING JACKTO DAY CARE.

SNAKE CALLED AGAIN.

HOW NICE FOR HIM.

I... AM... SO... FAT.

DON'T EVEN TALKABOUT FAT,

I'M THE FAT ONEIN THIS HOUSE.

ALL THIS FAST FOOD,

NO WONDER I'VE GAINEDALL THIS WEIGHT.

TELL ME ABOUT IT.

I HAVE A MEETING WITHBERNICE FEIN ON FRIDAY

AND I CAN'T EVEN FIT INTO MY LUCKY JEANS.

"DUMP THE LUMPS"BERNICE FEIN?

AS IN THE AGENT FROM HELL?

[SIGHS] IF SHE'S SATAN,

THEN THAT EXPLAINS WHYSHE'S THE BEST AGENT IN TOWN.

SHE CALLED BECAUSE SHE SAW MEIN THE KEVIN SMITH MOVIE,

WANTS TO AUDITION ME AGAIN. [GRUNT OF EFFORT]

CRISIS DOWN HERE!

LOOK AROUND YOU.

"CRISIS" IS ACTUALLYAN EPIDEMIC.

MY THIGHS ARE AN EPIDEMIC.

AND THEY'RE TAKING OVERTHE WORLD.

WE ARE GOING TO TAKE CONTROL.

I AM GOING TO TAKE CONTROL.

? Whatever it takes

? I know I can make it through

? If I hold out

? I know I can make it through

? Be the best

? Be the best I can

? And I say to you

? Whatever it takes

? I know I can make it

? I know I can make it

? I know I can make it through

MANNY.

PIE CHARTS?

WE'VE DONE PIE CHARTSEVERY YEAR

SINCE GRADE FOUR.

IT'S A CHORE WHEEL.

MANNY: [SIGHS] OKAY, DOES IT HAVE LAUNDRY ON IT?

BECAUSE I'M OUTOF UNDERWEAR

AND THIS COMMANDO CHAFINGIS KILLING ME.

NOT UP TO YOUR USUALSTANDARD.

OKAY,MANNY YOU ARE ON LAUNDRY.

I'M ON HOMEWORK

AND EXERCISE

AND GROCERY SHOPPING AND CLEANING

AND MOM MANAGEMENT.

THAT SHOULD BURNA FEW CALORIES.

I SINCERELY HOPE SO.

YOU'RE A STICK,AND YOU'RE INSANE.

MOM! I'M HOME!

MANNY: SHE'S WORKING LATE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

BABY PEDICURE?

DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH FATIS IN ONE CHIP?

I BROUGHT YOU CELERY.

CELERY HAS NEGATIVE CALORIES

BECAUSE YOU BURN CALORIESWHILE YOU'RE CHEWING.

AND THIS...

I'M NOT EATING PAPER.

NO MATTER HOW MANYCALORIES IT BURNS.

IT'S A DIET DIARY.

WE MARK DOWN EVERY MORSELTHAT GOES INTO OUR MOUTHS.

GREAT.MORE HOMEWORK.

DO YOU WANT TO GETTHIS AGENT?

THINK OF IT AS FUN.

THINK OF IT AS A CHALLENGE.

[UNENTHUSIASTIC] WOO-HOO,LET THE FUN BEGIN.

[BACHMAN TURNER OVERDRIVEPLAYING]

? 'CAUSE YOU AIN'TSEEN NOTHIN YET ?

? B-B-BABY, NO,YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHIN YET ?

WITH A VOICE LIKE THAT?

IT'S NO WONDER "THE ZITS"NEVER WENT ANYWHERE.

DIANE AND SIMPSON:OHHH!

I'VE HEARD HIM SINGIN THE SHOWER, SNAKE?

AND THE POTSHOULD REALLY STOP

CALLING THE KETTLE BLACK.

SAUCY...

BUT A KEEPER.

ALL RIGHT,

LET'S KEEP THISPARTY GOING.

I'VE GOT JUST THE NUMBER.

IT'S A CLASSIC LITTLE DITTYI LIKE TO CALL

"ROCK THE CASBAH".

[GIGGLES][ENGLISH ACCENT]OY! KICK IT, MATE!

["SOMETIMES WHEN WE TOUCH"PLAYS]

WHAT?

I DIDN'T...

THAT'S "SOMETIMESWHEN WE TOUCH".

[SOFT CHUCKLE]

ABORT! ABORT!

HEY, WHAT'S WRONG?

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

IT'S OUR SONG.

STUPID MACHINE.

SORRY SNAKE, UH...

BUTTONS GET MIXED UPSOMETIMES.

[MUSIC STOPS]

IT'S JUST THAT UH...

I MISS HER SO BAD,YOU KNOW?

I MISS MY FAMILY.

TOTAL CALORIES: 110.

TOTAL GRAMS OF FAT: 2.

TOTAL FLAVOUR: ZERO.

HOW AM I SUPPOSEDTO DO MATH

WHEN I'M STARVING?

I THINK MY STOMACH'SDIGESTING ITSELF.

BUT WE ARE NOTFEELING HUNGRY,

WE ARE FEELING LIGHT.

AS IN L-I-T-E?

OKAY, YOU NEEDTO JOG ONE MILE

AT SIX MILES AN HOUR

TO BURN OFF110 CALORIES.

OKAY, I'M GOINGTO GET A DIET POP

AND PRETENDIT'S A MILKSHAKE.

PAIGE:OW!

UH... TWIGS AND BERRIES?

YOU GIRLS PRACTICINGTO BE ON SURVIVOR?

IT'S CALLED A DIET.

MM... TOTALLY WISHINGI HAD YOUR WILLPOWER.

WHEN BATHING SUIT SEASONCOMES AROUND,

PREPARE TO BE HATEDBY A JEALOUS ME.

SUDDENLY I'M STUFFED.

[LAUGHS] WHEN ARE WERUNNING THAT MILE?

OR FIVE? [LAUGHS]

EMMA AND MANNY:[LAUGHING]

BOTH:[PANTING]

[LAUGHING]

WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

NOTHING.I JUST FEEL ALL... FLOATY.

[LAUGHING]

ME TOO.IS THAT GOOD?

SOMEONE WANNA TELL METHE PUNCHLINE?

SEE YOU INSIDE.

WHOA! EMMA.

YOU OKAY?

YOU GOT THE NEWBORNCOLT LEGS THING GOING.

WE'RE TRAININGFOR CROSS-COUNTRY.

OH, WOW!

THAT'S-THAT'S GREAT,I HAD NO IDEA.

YEAH. THE THINGS YOU MISSWHEN YOU LEAVE YOUR FAMILY.

SO HOW'RE THINGSAT JOEY'S?

GOOD. OKAY.

NOT TOO BAD.

TERRIBLE, ACTUALLY.

[EXHALES]I MISS YOU GUYS.

HAVE YOU TRIEDTELLING MOM THAT?

I WOULDBUT THAT WOULD INVOLVE

HER ACTUALLY RETURNINGMY PHONE CALLS.

SO WHY DON'T YOU TELL HERIN PERSON?

COME OVER TONIGHT.

THINK YOUR MOMWOULD LIKE THAT?

MAYBE IF YOU MADE US DINNERLIKE YOU USED TO?

EMMA!

YOU ARE A GENIUS!

NOW THIS I COULDGET USED TO.

WHAT'S THE AH...WHAT'S THE OCCASION?

YOU HAVE A SURPRISE GUESTFOR DINNER.

A GUEST CHEF ACTUALLY.

SNAKE.

EMMA?TELL ME YOU DIDN'T.

WHAT, I THOUGHTYOU MIGHT LIKE

A NICE HOME-COOKED MEAL,FOR ONCE.

[KNOCK AT THE DOOR]I'LL GET IT!

SIMPSON:DUNH-NA-NA-NAH!

ONE ORDEROF VEGGIE MOUSSAKA.

EMMA'S OOEY-GOOEYFAVOURITE.

ACTUALLY UM,

MANNY AND I ARE GONNA GOFOR A WALK.

NO, GIRLS,

STAY.

WHY DON'T YOU TWOSET THE TABLE.

[SNIFFS]OH MY GOD, RICOTTA!

CREAM AND BUTTERAND EVERYTHING ELSE

THAT I SEE IN MY DREAMS.

WE HAVEN'T STARVEDFOR TWO DAYS

JUST TO RUIN IT IN10 MINUTES OF GLUTTONY.

SO WHAT DO WE DO?

WE SIT AT THE TABLEWITH MOM AND ARCHIE

AND TRY TO MAKE THEM HAPPY.

AND THE FOOD WE JUST PUSHAROUND YOUR PLATES.

[WATER DRIPS]

KITCHEN FAUCET'SSTILL LEAKING, HUH?

I SHOULD GET MY WRENCHAND UH...

IT'S FINE,ARCHIE.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH WATERYOU'RE WASTING?

MY WRENCH IS DOWNSTAIRS-

JUST LEAVE IT!PLEASE.

THIS MOUSSAKAIS AMAZING.

EMMA, I HAVEN'T SEEN YOUTOUCH YOURS.

EMMA: SURE I HAVE.

YOUR COOKING IS SOMETHINGWE'VE REALLY MISSED AROUND HERE.

SIMPSON: WELL, I MISS COOKING FOR YOU GUYS.

I MISS A LOT OF THINGS.

SITTING HERE AT THIS TABLE,

I REALIZE THAT THIS IS WHERE I BELONG,

AND I NEVER SHOULD'VE LEFT.

YOU DIDN'T LEAVE,SNAKE.

I KICKED YOU OUT.

REMEMBER?

IT'S BEEN LONG ENOUGH, SPIKE.AND I...

I THINK I'VE LEARNEDMY LESSON.

I'M READY TO COME HOME.

OH, AND THAT'SYOUR DECISION TO MAKE?

NO, IT'S OUR DECISIONBUT YES, I HAVE A SAY IN IT.

YOU HAD YOUR SAY

AND IT INVOLVEDANOTHER WOMAN!

GIRLS...

I THINK YOU NEEDTO GO TO YOUR ROOM.

SIMPSON: SPIKE, I CAME OVER HERE WITH A PEACE OFFERING

AND THIS IS WHAT I GET.

SPIKE: YOU THINK A PAN OF MOUSSAKA

IS GONNA MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER?!

SIMPSON: NO, I DON'T!

I THOUGHT MAYBE WE COULD TRY TO BE CIVILIZED-

FIGHTING.ONLY FIGHTING.

FIGHTING'S A START,RIGHT?

IT'S BETTER THANNOT TALKING AT ALL.

I GUESS.I JUST WISH I KNEW

HOW IT WAS GONNATURN OUT.

I HATE NOT KNOWINGWHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN.

[DOOR SLAMS SHUT]

I'LL TELL YOUWHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN.

I AM GOING TO EXPLODE

FROM ALL THAT OOEY-GOOEYMOUSSAKEEY.

I WISH I WOULD EXPLODE.

WE COULD TRY AND RUN IT OFF.

IT'LL ONLY TAKEOH, SIX HOURS.

IF I MOVE,I'LL BARF.

IT CAN'T BE HEALTHYTO BE THIS FULL.

WE COULD GET RID OF IT.

LIKE HOW, PUKING?

ISN'T THAT KINDOF EXTREME?

DESPERATE TIMESCALL FOR DESPERATE PURGING.

MANNY; IT'S NOT CALLED PURGING,

IT'S CALLED BULIMIA.

DON'T BE SO DRAMATIC.

THESE ARE SPECIALCIRCUMSTANCES.

YOU'LL FEEL BETTER, MANNY.COME ON.

COME ON.

[ANXIOUS SIGH]

NOW FOR THE MOMENTOF TRUTH.

MANNY: COULD I GO TO THE BATHROOM FIRST?

THAT'S GOTTA BE HALF A POUND.

[GASPS]

EM, I LOST THREE POUNDS!

THREE POUNDSIN FOUR DAYS!

[CHUCKLING]

I LOST THREE,THREE, THRE-

FOUR... POUNDS.

I LOST FOUR POUNDS?!

EM, YOU ARE OFFICIALLYMY LIFESTYLE GURU.

LIKE BOB ON OPRAH!

OKAY, SO IF WE RESTRAINOURSELVES TODAY

AND WORK OUT AFTER SCHOOL,

WE MIGHT BE UP TO FIVE POUNDSBY TOMORROW.

AH, NO-NO-NO.

THERE'S A BUTTER TARTIN THE CAF

WITH MY NAME ON IT.

MANNY, NO.

IF WE'RE HAPPYWITH LESS THAN OUR GOAL,

WE'RE ONLY DISAPPOINTINGOURSELVES.

YOU'VE GOT AN AGENTTO IMPRESS.

THIS IS SERIOUS.

OKAY, BOB.

JOEY: OKAY, I GOT IT.

CHANGE HER OIL.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

YOU REALLY THINK DOINGAN OIL CHANGE ON SPIKE'S CAR

IS GOING TO WINHER BACK?

SNAKE, I'M SPIT-BALLINGHERE, OKAY?

WORK WITH ME,BUDDY.

OKAY UH...

THE ROOF'S A MESS.

I COULD HELP REDO IT.

YES! AND YOU CAN GETALL HOT AND SWEATY

WHILE YOU'RE DOING IT.

CHICKS DIG THAT!

SEXY SNAKE!

SNAKE THE SEXY ROOFER!I LIKE IT!

DIANE: [EXASPERATED GASP] COME ON!

WOMEN DON'T WANT AN EPISODEOF "THIS OLD HOUSE".

THEY WANT A LITTLE ROMANCE.

THEY WANT TO KNOW THEY'RE SPECIAL.

SPIKE IS SPECIAL TO YOU,RIGHT?

SO PROVE IT.

SHOW HER WHAT'SIN YOUR HEART.

I DON'T KNOW THAT SPIKE'STHAT INTERESTED

WHAT'S IN MY HEART,RIGHT NOW.

DIANE: SHE WILL BE.

TRUST ME.

JUST REMIND HER WHYSHE FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU

IN THE FIRST PLACE.

WOO HER.

PLEASE STOP SAYING MY NAME.

[LOUD WHISPER]STOP!

MANNY...

[EXHALES]MANNY...

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

UM, A LITTLE KNOWN FACT

IS THAT PEPPERONI SQUELCHESAUDITION STRESS.

THAT'S A LIE.

OKAY...

I'M JUST PLAINNAKED HUNGRY!

HUNGER IS A FEELING,MANNY.

THIN IS A SKILL.

DAMAGE CONTROL TIME.

[LOCKER SLAMS]

MANNY:NO!

I'LL COVER FOR YOU.

MY JEANS STILL FIT,GENERAL.

MANNY, YOUR BODYIS A REFLECTION OF YOU.

THE AGENT IS GOING TO SEETHAT YOU'RE UNDISCIPLINED.

THE AGENT'S GOING TO SEETHAT I HAVE ENERGY

AND ROSY CHEEKS,

AND THAT I DON'THAVE PUKE BREATH.

THIS IS SO"TYPICAL MANNY".

GIVE UP WHEN THE GOINGGETS TOUGH.

IT'S ONE SLICE OF PIZZA,EM!

IT'S FAT AND STARCHAND GREASE.

WHY NOT JUST POUR POISONDOWN YOUR THROAT?!

[DRY CHUCKLE]OKAY.

THERE IS JUST A LITTLETOO MUCH CRAZY IN HERE.

[HARD THUD]

GIRL: WHAT'S GOING ON?

SOMEONE GET A TEACHER.

HATZILAKOS: EMMA?

CAN YOU HEAR ME?

EMMA?!

MAYBE YOU SHOULDJUST SIT STILL.

NO, I'M JUST DIZZY,I THINK.

I THINK IT'S THE FLUOR SOMETHING.

WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!

DID YOU EAT TODAY?

YES!

WHAT DID YOU EAT,EMMA?

EMMA...

IT'S OKAY,YOU CAN TALK TO ME.

I'M HERE FOR YOU.

THAT'S FUNNY.

[EXHALES]

[IRRITATED SIGH]

THE GIRLS AT THE SALONTOLD ME YOU WERE ON BREAK.

ARE YOU SELLING ROSESIN RESTAURANTS?

WHAT'S WITHTHE PENGUIN SUIT?

I WAS WEARING A T-SHIRTON OUR WEDDING DAY.

AND I WANTED TO MAKE SUREI DID THIS RIGHT.

SPIKE,YOU ARE MY EVERYTHING.

AND IF YOU LET MECOME HOME

I'LL BE WORTHY OF YOUTHIS TIME

BECAUSE YOU DESERVEEVERYTHING.

YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.

YOU HURT ME.

I KNOW.

NO.YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW.

I LOVED YOUSINCE I WAS SIXTEEN.

YOU WERE THE ONE GUY I THOUGHT WAS GOOD,

THE ONE GUY I WAS SUREI COULD COUNT ON.

COUNT ON ME NOW...

BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.

BECAUSE I'LL NEVER GIVE UPUNTIL YOU TAKE ME BACK.

[EXHALES]

? YOU ASK ME IF I LOVE YOU

? AND I CHOKE ON MY REPLY

? I'D RATHER HURT YOU HONESTLY

? THAN MISLEAD YOU WITH A LIE

? AND SOMETIMES WHEN WE TOUCH

? THE HONESTY'S TOO MUCH

? AND I HAVE TO CLOSEMY EYES AND HIDE ?

? I WANNA HOLD YOU-

OKAY.TWO CONDITIONS.

DONE.

NO KISSING ANYONEBUT ME -

EVER AGAIN!

AND NO SINGINGEVER AGAIN.

[APPLAUSE]

HOW'D THE AUDITION GO?

SHE SAID I HAD "MOXIE".

WHICH MEANS...?

I HAVE AN AGENT!

I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU.

AND I'M SO WORRIEDABOUT YOU.

I HEARD YOU FAINTED.

AND THESE DISMEMBEREDMODELS ARE DISTURBING.

IT'S INSPIRATION.

FOR WHEN I WANT TO LOSEA POUND.

OKAY, BUT YOU'VE LOST,LIKE, SEVEN.

YOU'RE STARTINGTO SCARE ME.

I'M GROSS, MANNY.

I LOOK DISGUSTING.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIMEYOU ATE?

A COUPLE DAYS AGO.

I FEEL GOOD.

BUT YOU LOOK SICK.

AND THE WAY YOU'RE TALKING,YOU MIGHT BE SICK.

OKAY. SNAKE'S BRINGING HISSPECIAL LASAGNA OVER TONIGHT.

I'LL EAT SOME.

HE'S COMING BACK?

THAT'S THE JUICE.

AND I'M ALL OVERTHAT LASAGNA.

MAY THIS DIETREST IN PEACE.

MANNY: GOOD.

BECAUSE I NEED YOU HEALTHY,EMMA.

YOU'RE MORE THAN JUSTMY LIFESTYLE GURU, YOU KNOW.

ALL:[LAUGHING]

HEY, EVERYONE, CHEERS.

YOU ARE AN AMAZINGFAMILY.

ALL:CHEERS!

OOP!

OH W-W-W-WAIT!ACTUALLY,

I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT.

ARE YOU GUYS GONNA FINALLYSTOP CALLING EACH OTHER

BY YOUR HIGH SCHOOLNICKNAMES?

MANNY:[CHUCKLES]

NOT A BAD IDEA,BUT NO.

UH, AS YOU ALL KNOW,

I STILL HAVEA MOTORCYCLE FUND.

WHICH I WOULD LIKE TO USE

NOT TO BUYANOTHER MOTORCYCLE WITH,

BUT TO TAKE US ALL

TO THE SHOPPING CAPITALOF THE WORLD -

NEW YORK CITY.

NEW YORK?ARE YOU SURE?

I'VE DONE ALL THE BORING,PRACTICAL MATH

AND WE'RE GOING, BABY.

SPIKE:ALL RIGHT!

WAIT.WHO'S INCLUDED IN "WE"?

WELL UM, YOU ARE PARTOF THE NELSON-SIMPSON CLAN,

ARE YOU NOT?

I LOVE YOU!I LOVE YOU GUYS!

HOW MANY EMPTY SUITCASESCAN I BRING?

HEY, WHOA! HEY.

EMMA: OKAY, THIS IS- THIS IS BEYOND ANYTHING.

IT ACTUALLY MIGHT BE ONEOF THOSE MOMENTS.

SO I'M GONNA GET THE CAMERA.

SIMPSON: OH YEAH! CHEERS GUYS!

SPIKE: CHEERS!

MANNY: CHEERS!

SIMPSON: WOO HOO!

[TOILET FLUSHES]

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