Original subtitles

♪ Christmastime in the city

♪ Christmas...

Marcus, here you go.

You're gonna love it, I'm sure.

Oh, Chew-- Chewbacca.

Thanks, Dad.

I don't think that's Chewbacca, Marcus.

Yeah, well, it's better than your presents, grub.

Your presents are coming up. Don't worry.

Now this is the present we've all been waiting for.

I hope it's what I think it is.

Well, don't shake it. You'll break it.

I'm sorry. I'm just excited.

Huh?

Oh.

It's for the whole fam. Merry merry.

What is it?

Binoculars?

God damn it, Nance. All your shaking made it go on.

No way!

Oh, wicked... a video camera.

It's pretty swishy, Gordon.

Yup, she's a top of the line refurbisher, barely used.

Oh. Let me see it, Ma.

Let him see himself.

This thing's magic. What is it?

Oh, this is the coolest thing ever.

Zoom in on Marcus's face.

Well, yeah, not too close. Eww.

Quit hogging the camera, Ted.

Look how small it is too. It's so rad.

Some presents.

How much was that thing?

I didn't exactly buy it.

Bill Davidson had two of 'em.

Okay, that man is a crook... He is not.

and a pervert.

Well, that pervert got me a pretty sweet deal on her.

Okay, but he...

Oh, hey.

owes us money, Gordon.

Well, not anymore. He gave us this instead.

That thing cost $2,000?!

No.

Yeah.

Yeah, but this thing has

zooming power and... Mm-hmm.

AF and...

It's awesome.

What the hell else did he say it had?

You know, I can...I can...

I can pay you what I owe you

or I can enrich your life with this. Yeah?

This is a beautiful beautiful camera.

This is the beast, Huh?

This is it, yeah. Do you want to try it out?

Just get a feel for it.

Yeah, let me take a...it's heavy. Yeah, it's got ...it's got...

Yeah, you want it to be heavy.

You want...that makes... it makes you feel secure. Right.

It's got all the bells and whistles,

all the features you want.

It's got the AF. yeah.

The AF's on that.

Oh hey, man, I'll even throw in a whole box of VHS tapes...

barely used. Barely used.

I mean, in fact...Baby, tell him.

Oh Jesus.We made This superhot sex tape.

Just before you got here, we were making it.

Baby, tell him about the superhot humping tape we made, huh?

Tell him. You know it was hot.

You know it was hot.

Gord, who's wearing the pants in your relationship, huh?

I just...Who's wearing the pants?

I don't know. I just...

Nancy still wearing the pants?

She loan 'em to you so you can come over here...

I don't know.

so your pussy doesn't get cold on your way over?

Is that it, Gord?

The money means a lot to Nance, okay? And me.

Money means a lot to me too, Gord.

You don't think money matters to me?

Baby, show him that ring I gave you.

Show him that ring.

That's a nice ring.Huh? That's a nice ring.

Yeah. See? I've got overhead.

This camera is worth way more than the 2 Gs I owe you.

Tell you what I'll do.

I'll throw in these Arnold Palmers... Oh Yeah?

absolutely free, except for the tax.

Going once. No.

Going twice.Don't do this.

Going three times, Gord.

Going six times, Gord.All right, All Right.

I got you on six.

I was sold.

I thought that money was for our secret vacation

to O-R-L-A-N-D-O.

Yeah, we can spell, Ma.

Where is the secret vacation?

it was supposed to be Orlando.

Calrissian?

Marcus, just...look, we've got it

and we're gonna tape the best Christmas ever, right?

With me giving out presents to Marcus,

one up to Mommy, All right?Ow.

And when people watch this later,

they're gonna love it.

Who the hell is gonna watch this?

Oh, language!

Yeah, you don't want to piss off God

on his baby boy's birthday.

What's Marcus got there?

Whoa. Jabba the Hutt. Hmm?

That's not Jabba.

Of course it is, Teddy.

Just... open your present.

Uh-oh. I wonder what that could be.

Ho ho ho!

It's...it's...it's the car from the show you wanted.

This isn't K.I.T.T.

No, it's the "Facts of Life" girls' car.

You know, Tootie drives it,

going around, solving mysteries.

13-80-61.

Assistance at 2-4-13-Victor-6.

that Tootie?

It's Mrs. Garrett.

It's fine. Just play with it.

So what do you think of the camera, huh?

Do you like it?

Well, I don't know.

Say you like it.

I like it. I knew it. I knew it.

Oh! What's Marcus opening?

Oh.

Come on, Marc. Hurry up.

I'll do it.

Look at that.

You can use this in the driveway.

Oh, man. I would've loved one of these as a kid.

Nancy!

Gin!

Uh-oh.

Look who crawled out of her bed,

It's old Nana bear.

the hell is that? Nana in 3-D!

Ted, what are you doing? Give me that camera.

What? You're not working the gizmos right here.

All right. What have we got here?

It's Marcus playing with his...

Teddy, what the hell did you do to it?

You're the one working the gizmos, Pop.

It's all blurry with the...

Oh, there We go. there We go.

All right, Marc.

Tell the folks in TV land

who your last present's from.

It says "To older boy. From Nana."

What?

Oh, look, you can comb her mane too, Marcus.

Well, your father said you like horsies.

I never said that!

you told me you wanted a horse.

I said I wanted a tauntaun.

It's a Hoth horse, not an Earth horse.

It looks pretty good to me.

But I can't return it, so just use it for something.

I don't know. Maybe Chewie can ride it or...

There you go.

Now give your nana a kiss.

Oh, Dad, be sure to get a good shot of this.

I wanna watch this.

All right, hold on. Whoa!

Ease up, Romeo.

Let me get a good shot...

down here.

Eww! God! Get away from me! Oh yeah.

Your breath smells like a barn.

Oh yeah. Jeez!

That's a fascinating shot there.

Thank you.Okay, Gordon,

are you filming up my mother's nightgown?

God No.What the hell? He was!

Why would I film up your mo...

Cool Your jets with the camera, Gordon.

What's the matter with you?!

Why would I film up...Chewie don't fit!

What?Chewie don't fit on the stupid-ass pony!

I said I wanted a tauntaun!

The tauntaun! Duh!

God. take a chill pill.

Marcus. Jesus Christ.

Keep it together, boy!

It's Christmas!

Big time issues. Marcus!

I hate Christmas.

I hate my presents.

Why didn't Santa get me anything on my list?

Marcus, you're 17 years old, okay?

I think it's time you learned the truth about Santa.

He don't always bring you what you want.

He can't afford it.

But he got you that nice Christmas shovel, didn't he?

So?

So go on out in the driveway and use it.

Maybe sprinkle around some rock salt

you got in your stocking.

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

No. No?

Just...

go do it.

Die!

Oh. Hey, Ted, what do you think?

that look like a corn dog to you?

What? You're nuts.

This...this needs some mustard.

Go on. Get lost.

You're gonna ruin the surprise.

No, it's gone...

all of it...

for a GD movie camera.

No.

Orlando's gone.

I'm never gonna get to see Mickey or Ducky.

The duck character.

And it would've been our last chance to go on vacation

before...you know what.

No, Gord doesn't talk about it.

He's in complete denial.

You know, he's not afraid to make cute comments

about how much weight I've gained.

Quit eating so many cheeseburgers, Dom DeLuise.

Yeah, that's his little nickname for me.

I guess he thinks he's Stroker Ace or something,

living on Fantasy Island.

You know, honestly...

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Teddy!

♪ Mrs. Claus is coming to town

♪ Mrs. Claus is cleaning up presents

♪ And Mrs. Claus is...

What's wrong?Nothing, Gordon. Nothing.

It's Christmas.

Mm-hmm.

Are you still mad about that vacation thing?

Well, it was disappointing.

We can go next year, all right?

It's no big deal.

And we'll show 'em the "Hoop-Dee-Doo Revue" moves.

♪ I love you

♪ Hoop-dee-doo.

Then maybe you can show me some of your moves.

Hey. Oh. Ooh.

Whoa! Don't pressure me, Nance, okay?

It's Christmas.

Sorry.

There's Ma Christmas, having a ball cooking.

And here's the happy family

noshing on some Christmas brekkie.

Mushrooms on toast.

Mmm mmm mmm.

Why do we gotta eat this every year?

It's gross.

It's...

tradition.

There you go. Listen to your nana, guys.

Tradition from the old country.

Yeah? Where's that?

It's Germany, smart guy.

Welsh. What? Welsh!

There you go.

Welsh, Germany.

Okay.

All right.

Now I know you all loved your Christmas presents this year...

I didn't. I hate my presents.

Marcus!

but I've been saving the best for last.

So any guesses? 20 guesses.

Cheez Whiz.

No. That's one.

Gert?

I hate games.

Okay. Two.

Nance?

I...I don't know, Gord.

Why don't you just tell me?

Well, we have got a very special guest coming for dinner.

Hint hint.

All the plates are spoken for.

I don't have room for anyone else.

Well, you've got to make room for Tim.

Tim's coming.

That's the surprise. Surprise!

Tim's coming!

Oh God.

Whoa Whoa whoa. Wait Wait wait.

The Uncle Tim?

Who's Tim?

Tim is my brother

who I have not spoken to in 17 years.

But tonight brothers unite.

Gordon, may I please speak to you

in P-R-I-V-A-T-E?

Pirates? Where?

I don't need this, Gordon! It's Christmas!

How could you invite that son of a bum

into my house?!

He's my brother.

He's gonna touch everything!

No, he's not.

Oh my God, I'm gonna be sick.

Again? Come on, you've been ralphing for two months.

take Some Gravol already.

You hate your brother!No.

He tormented you growing up.

Quack quack, water off a duck's back.

Oh my God. Oh my God.

What are they doing?

Well, they're arguing about Uncle Tim.

Apparently on their wedding night,

Tim grabs Mom's tits and had sex with them or something.

You can do that?

Apparently.

What was Dad doing?

Oh, He was passed out drunk

in a puddle of his own urine, or so the legend goes.

Dad don't drink.

not anymore.

Just get out!Fine.

Are you All right there, Pop?

Of course I'm all right. never better.

Let's get out of here. Let's make a movie on this thing.

I've already been making one.

Yeah? Not with me you haven't.

That's Tarzan, you yard ape.

Let's go.

Okay.

Establishing shot...

Gord and Tim.

Like semen in a sweat sock,

so goes the days of the Coopers' lives.

Seamen.

They're called sailors, Ted.

Whatever you say, Dad.

Anyways, this week's episode

Gord Cooper is reunited

with his long-lost brother Tim Cooper.

Oh yes, Marcus,

you can play...you can play

So how you doing, Tim?

Don't look at the camera, Dad.

What?

So how you doing, Tim?

Pretty good.

Shh!What? Oh Jeez.

So how you been, Tim?

This is stupid.

just keep going.

With wh...this shot is dumb.

Pretty good.

How...how's it going?Teddy, what are we...

What?How's it going?

What the hell are you doing?

Rolling.

Yeah, 3:00 or so.

Pretty good, Dad... or Gord.

No No, great.Making a movie right now.

Gord, my long-lost brother.

He's got his camera here.

keep going.What?

No, it's great. keep Going with the scene.

Oh, He loves it.I don't know.

Pretending he's a director.Sorry for grabbing your wife's tits, Gord.

What did you just say?

What...dare you?!

He told me to say it!

I don't care! You don't use the T-word

in reference to your mom's tits!

I was acting!

Zip it!

Teddy, turn it off.

Ted, turn off the ca...

turn it off, Ted.

off, Ted!

is it off?

yeah.Good, sit down.

Now where'd you hear this stuff

about your Uncle Tim and...

Why is the red light still on?

It's the off light.

Okay. Good.

Poppy told Teddy.

Okay, he said that Tim and Mom did some stuff

in the bathroom of your hotel room

on your wedding night

when you were drunk in the tub.

Is that true?

Look, the truth is, boys,

no one really knows what happened that night

except your ma and Tim.

All I know is

every time I bring it up, your mommy has a nit fit.

Okay? But we've all got skeletons in our closet, right?

not me.

Right.

So let's forget all that bunk

and put our smiley faces on. It's Christmas!

Boys, get dressed.

Company's coming.

Gordon, tell them!

You heard Your mommy. time to get dressed.

But we've gotta finish the movie.

Eh? You've gotta get dressed.

Come on, Dad. We've gotta finish the movie.

Please.

Rolling.

see you later, Tim.

get dressed.

and cut.

♪ Good King Gordy answers the door

♪ For all the Christmas people

♪ Gonna answer the door and see who's there.

Happy happy!

Hey!Ooh, hi.

Look at that. Is that a camera?

Merry Christmas.Merry Christmas.

You look great. Oh, thanks.

The camera's new.

I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. McDill.

All Right.Uh-Oh. No no no, back up.

That's my better half.

can you grab my coleslaw for me?

Coleslaw? That's doesn't sound right.

It's real good.

Yeah, it's got beets, marshmallows and raisins in it.

And the anchovies, they really give it a zip.

Mmm. That sounds inedible.

Here Come the kids. Uh-Oh.

Is that my Dougie?

Oh my God!

Who do We got there?

Cute as a button.

Oh, the pitter-patter of little feet.

Don't you just love it?

Get the hell off the couch!

Oh, look who's here. It's Heather.

Merry Christmas, Uncle Gord.

They're getting pretty big, aren't they?

Holy smokes. I'll say.

Teddy! Hey, look who's here!

Hi, Aunt Joan.Oh, my... Teddy, Merry Christmas.

Hey. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas to you too.

Well, give her a kiss.

Give her a little peck.

Uh-oh, someone popped a baby boner for his cousin.

Gordon! I told you to get dressed.

Gordon, do not film that, please.

You lucky jerk.

Embarrassing.

Oop. This...

Hey!

Hey!

What the f...

Whoo!

Oh no, where's my basal thermometer?

I guess I'll just have to improvise.

Ooh!

Wahoo!

Maybe, yeah.That'd be good.

Let me take that for you, love.

Oh, thanks.

Oh! Got your purse there. Sorry about that.

Oh my God. Teddy, get back!

Get back!

Excuse me, can I help you, sir?

Sweetheart, that's okay. It's my new fella Okeke.

I got him from Nigeria.

Oh. Oh. Oh, welcome.

Look at the camera, hon.

Look at that camera over there.

I love you, Joan.

I taught him his first words.

Nancy, look at this.

Isn't this great?Oh, look at that.

look at that.

Oh, that's...

very festive.

Okay, all right.

Okay, Teddy, turn the camera off, please.

The camera goes off now.

Mmm. Okay.

Why is that guy here?That's...

That's Joanie's new...

Joanie's new boyfriend, Mom.

What was that?

Oh, I thought you said something.

No. No.

I've got an idea.

How about some Christmas carols?

Oh, What a Good idea.Hmm?

yeah. yeah. Fun.

Okay. Why don't you go drag out the organ?

You get it, Dom.

Mmm.

That's funny.

All right.

I'll help her.

♪ "Come," they told me.

♪ Thy kisses sing...

♪ He's like a drummer boy.

♪ My kingdo... it doesn't matter...

♪ BA RUM PA PA BUM...

Okeke, you want to join in?

♪ Bing-bong, bing-bong.

♪ Christmas is here, children will cheer...

No. No, that's no good.

♪ King of kings, forever, forever.

♪ And Lord of lords

♪ King of kings, forever and ever!

♪ And Lord of lords, hallelujah, hallelujah!

Oh, I know Who This is.

Great...Uncle Nick.

Merry merry!

Where the hell is he?

Merry merry!

Hey!

Oh Jesus!

♪ Have a humpty humpty Christmas!

♪ It's the humptiest time of year!

Hey, How you doing, Gord?

Teddy! Teddy! Hey! What are you doing?

I'm kidding!

Merry Christmas.

Happy happy!

Oh, Bev.

Sorry we're late.

We had to pick up Wayne at juvie.

Oh, that's great.

They let him spend Christmas with his family this year.

Yeah, that sounds safe.

Hey, Wayne.

How's the penal system treating you?

And I don't mean in the shower.

Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit.

Shit Shit shit. Oh shit.

What happened?I was moving fridges with this new guy...a fucking Polack...

Uh-Oh.

and He drops it on my back.

Hey, did you hear the one about the Polack

who crossed the street with his rooster?

No, I haven't.Have you heard it?

He couldn't get his cock out of the chicken.

Did you get it? get it?

Oh, because he... 'cause he was in...

Holy shit.

Oh, stupid commies, Huh? Yeah?

Oh. Lining up in the streets for buttwipes

like a bunch of gooks.

You know, Ronnie should just nuke the bastards.

Who needs 'em anyway?

Nice Christmas story, asshole.

There's children present.

hey. Oh, hey look! I'm in the movies!

Oh, hello! Hello!

♪ I'm a man-atic... There you go.

♪ Man-atic at the door, and I'm gonna...

Watch this! Watch this!

Whoo!

The worm. Wow.

Do the worm!

Russian dancing. Here We go.

Here he goes, Nicky's here. Nicky's here.

Jesus Christ!

The party's started!

Dad!

Tada!

Hey, Poppy's here.

Looks like he needs some help.

The party's started!

Someone should really help him.

Okay, Teddy, I want you to get your nana and poppy...

want to get them both on camera before one of them passes on.

I wish.

All Right.

Now, Mom, why don't you open Dad's gift?

Here you go.

God, it's so sweet.

You still give her a gift after all these Christmases.

Aww. That's so nice.

Oh God, that's so thoughtful.

What is it?

Oh, a watermelon.

That's...Watermelon?

Watermelon doesn't grow in December!

What? Watermelon!

Where would you get a watermelon in December?

What?! Watermelon!

No one waited for Santa.

Let me see here. That's right.

♪ Santy Claus is here.

That's from little Joanie.

Ooh.

Oh, I won't wear this.

What's the matter, Mom? That isn't your size?

It's pink!You love pink.

I'm a redhead! Redheads can't wear pink! Okay.

Here, Mom.

Oh. Oh ho ho.

Towels? What the hell am I gonna do with towels?

I already have towels.

Huh?What is that?

That's a jumper, just like the one I got Nance

from Bill Davidson.

He makes them out of horse blankets.

All right.

Oh.

yeah.

That's very nice, Okeke.

Oh. Just ...oh.

Beautiful.

Now that is pretty.Now that is nice.

This is just awful. These are the worst presents ever.

You're never pleasant.

Oh, shut up! Shut up, you deaf old bat!

I'm going back to bed.

I don't even know why the hell I got up this morning.

Where the hell's my drink?

Just slip some turkey under my door

and make sure it's well done.

Night Night, Nana.

Night, Nana.What is it, noon?

Well, that was festive.

Yup.

I do not know.

I mean, doesn't it seem like

she's more depressed than ever?

Oh, come on. What do you expect after 45 years of neglect?

Okay, that's... that's not fair.

Dad was very good to her for a lot of years

and you know that.

Are you kidding me? He's a fucking bozo.

He treated her like a second-class citizen.

No, he didn't. No, he did not.

yes, He did. yes, He did. Well ...okay, sometimes.

You know what would be the best thing for her?

What? If He choked on a turkey bone and died.

Quit picking my nuts.

What? My nuts.

What's that? You want something, Dad?

You want my nuts? Huh?

These are my nuts.

Why don't you get your own nuts, you selfish pig?

Can you hear me?

You're a fucking pig.

Go get your own fucking nuts.

Somewhere else.

Ted, What are you snickering at?

Get your Uncky Nick a beer. He's thirsty.

Okay.No no, don't worry about it, Gordo.

I'm off the booze. What?

Damn near killed a dog the other night.

Jesus. What happened?

Well, I'm driving home from Bugsy's, right?

Oh.All hooched up,

tanked to the tits, right?

And I'm retching out in the back.

Retching out my pancreas, right? Right.

And then wouldn't you know it...

this stupid mutt runs right under my tires.

Oh God. It's like...

And I'm all like, Uh, I think I just killed Benji.

Oh Jeez. Jesus.

Holy Toledo, I nearly pissed myself. Oh.

How was the pooch?

Oh shit, you don't know the half of it.

Guts and blood's everywhere.

Oh God. Leg over here.

Hoof suctioned to the grill.

Oh, God damn, was it ever gory.

It makes you think though, huh?

Yeah yeah.

Killing a little kid like that.

Kid?! I thought you said it was a dog.

Dog? Kid? Who are you, Shylock Holmes?

Quit riding me and get me a drink, you little nip.

What?!JD and Coke.

None of that new shit.

Have you tried that stuff?

Hello!

Knock knock!

Brr!

Door was open, so I...oh, hello.

Hey, are you our Uncle Tim?

What? Uncle?

That's a new one. That would be new.

I never heard... Hi.

Hi, How you doing, Tim?

Hi.You remember me?

Little Joanie? We danced to "Suzie Q"

at Gord and Nancy's wedding.

you remember me?

No, I don't. I'm sorry.Okay.

But I trust you. You have an honest face.

Yeah.

Do I know you?

I'm her sister Bev.

Sisters? yeah.

Wow. I feel like Elvis here.

Feliz Navidad, Bev. Oh.

Hey, aren't you forgetting something?

Uh, bad luck if you don't.

Good laugh.

That's funny. I love that.

Give me this.

That's how we do it in Acapulco.

That's gotta be my favorite place on earth.

You know, you can do Mexico by rail now for $600-- $599, actually.

I know this. I'm actually a professional travel agent.

whoa. whoa.

Oh, Calgon, take me away.

I love you, Joan.

Whoa! Hello.

I'm sorry. This is my boyfriend Okeke.

He's from Africa.

Africa.

What is it? $1599 on Air Mauritius.

Yes. yes, Mauritius.

Mauritius.

Mauritius!

Huh?

Whoa!Come on. Come on.

Oh, I'm in the tribe here.

Oh my God!

What did you do?

It's Christmas, Bev.

Hi, Tim. long time No see.

Hi. Wow.

You are glowing.

Oh, thank you.

It's so wonderful to see you.

hmm. you too.

Where else have you been, Tim?

Well, I think my favorite place on earth has got to be what?

Umm, Orlando.Orlando, the Magic Kingdom.

Contemporary resort for $599.

Or better yet, Fort Wilderness, $499.

With the Hoop-Dee-Doo Revue.

Corn, ribs and potato salad...

all you can eat for $12.99.

It's...how you say? bon appétit.

Oh, you speak French too, Tim?

That's Japanese.

I know this from my karate class.

Wax on, Wax off.

Ah!

"Karate Kid."

I love that movie.

What's all the hubbub up here?

Yakov Smirnoff is up here with all the...

Gordon, Merry Christmas.

Just hold on. hold on. Dad!

Hey, Gordo, where can I fill This up?

Ooh.hold on, Nicky. hold on.

Hoo hoo hoo hoo. Look at this.

"Brothers unite."

Aw shit.

Ted, out Of the way.

Anything worth Going up there for? Yup.

Dad, Wait up.

Back up, Ted. back up, back up.

Tada!

I don't know what he was thinking.

Hello.

Tada!

Tada!Oh, what's this?

Tada!"Brothers unit ."

Okay. What is that, a picture of my cock?

is that What that is?

No, it's a...it's a corn dog.

You remember? A What?

Why is it smiling?

'Cause he's happy.

'Cause...'cause he's tasty.

He's got mustard coming out of him.

It's a very, um...

it's a very sweet gesture.

I just think maybe it's a little...

it's just a little misguided maybe.

I think that's a sweet way of saying it's stupid.

You, uh, drinking again, Dad?

A little Christmas cheer.

Does Mom know you're drinking again?

Fuck off.

Shut it off, grub.

Turn it off.

Why are you always filming?

It's cinéma vérité...

Ordinary people, unbiased realism.

Hey, boys!

I need one of you to show Heather how to play Twister.

Oh yes.

I'll do it!

Okay.

Marcus, I am putting the camera here.

That's nice.

Film something.

I don't want this stupid thing.

Hello.

Don't know what to...

say to you.

Is this recording?

Hey, how's it going?

Everybody thinks I'm a dog, but I can fix spaceships.

Oh, who's that over here?

Hi there. I'm Marcus the wookie.

We don't care.

But I...I just want to be your friend.

What is that you're riding?

It's...it's my ... it's my tauntaun.

That's no tauntaun, idiot.

But...but...

Get him IG-88.

Yeah.

Bam. Rip his pants off, probe droid.

No, not my pants!

Not my pants!

Now don't tell my wife,

but this chick had a big fat ass that I just plunged.

I just took advantage of it.

Some would call it rape,

but I'm sure she would say yes if she was awake.

In 10 minutes we're gonna close.

We have to close the bank at 4:00,

but of course who's lined up outside at 4:15?

Oh, Joanie Bologna talking about nothing

with, uh...

Nicky's wife.

My name's Bev.

My apologies, Mev.

Merry merry.

Asshole.

What the...Bev.

Didn't deserve that.

Nice Christmas tree.

Left foot blue.

Uh-oh!

Tedster's on the loose,

feeling up his kissing cousin Heather.

Oh. Now that is a marvelous dress

you've squeezed yourself into, Heather.

Why don't you stand up,

give us a little Christmas twirl?

Uncle Gord, we're trying to play.

Just do it.

Is that straight scotch you're drinking, Dad?

Hey, when you're born in Scotchland,

you drink what the Scotchmens drink.

Yeah, well, you were born in Rochester.

Hey, nothing gets past little Flash Gordon here.

Hey, get up. I'm gonna play.

Oh God!

Get up and get dressed, yard ape.

Here We go. Merry Merry merry.

Hip...hip...

Bevie, Joanie, Heather.

Hip-hip...

Hooray!

Bevie. Change this up here.

Oh No. No No No.

Christmas songs.

Whoa, there We go.

Guess what, Mrs. Claus!

You need a spanking!

You need a spanking, Mrs. Claus!

Oh, you've got to write that down.

Excuse me. Gordon, please!

Gordon!

Oh Jesus.

What? just drink this. drink Some water, please.

Oh God. water makes me sick.

Okay, I do not understand you at all.

Your poor brother is upstairs all alone

waiting to talk to you.

Yeah?

Where'd you get those?

Oh, just get out Of my top.

That isn't even yours.

Just go upstairs please.

Come on, Teddy. Let's go talk to Uncle Tim.

Oh.

Okay then.

Mmm. Ah! Ah! Not you, you dough-headed dude.

fill me up, Gordo.

Mm-hmm.

one more, one more. Oops, spilled some.

Oh my God.

We was hauling ass up there in North Tonawanda, right?

Mm-hmm. I'm driving, drunk as a skunk.

Right. Filled to the rim with Brim and Baileys.

Right?

And then all of a sudden all these mooses

jump straight out in front of me.

Oh Jeez.a whole herd Of Bullwinkles

whistling Dixie.

So I swerve, wind up clipping two of them.

And these...you should've seen that pickup truck.

It just falls right into a ditch

tumbling ass over applecart.

We're smacking into everything. Mmm.

Smash, crash, windshield shatters,

splits my ear in two.

You see this?

Gordo, you remember how I told you about my ear?

Oh yeah. yeah.remember this?

I can't...I can't hear that so good.

Hey, you see this?

That's all muffled sound there.

Yeah, that's what I said. So there I am.

I'm lying there deafer than Ray Charles, right?

Nance. Nance in here?

Na...Dougie, What the hell?Ow! Dougie!

That's a nice smile you got there.

When you smile like that, I can invite you...

Oh! Oh damn it!

Is the camera all right?

What are you doing, Dougie? You almost broke the camera!

Ah!I'm sorry. That's kind of his new thing.

What, bagging people?

I'm sorry.Oh, What happened?

Little midget get you right in the pills there, Gordo?

Whoa whoa. Hey Hey, not me.

Hold this.

You little turd.Now Now, Come on.

No no, he's a child.

He's a little turd. Are you okay there, Gordo?

Where's Nance?

Uh-oh! Busted!

Oh, I thought I was gonna catch something.

There's nothing on the end of the line.

Where were you two?

Oh, I was... was just upstairs with Tim...

Wrapping presents for everyone.

Wrapping presents.

And there's yours, Gordo. look at that.

It's nice. Thank you.

Why are you on the ground?

I bet you I know What This is.

Do you?

The Love Pump.

Hmm. What is it? Like a bike pump?

No, that would be a penis pump for your lazy love muscle.

That's good.

I don't get it.

That's what Nance was saying.

Shut up.

That's for you, Nance.Oh.

Oh.

That won't fit old Dom here. Huh?

Oh, Tim.

Tim, you shouldn't have.

I wanted to.

Is that... is that for a baby?

Oh, that is a beautiful dress.

Oh, well, I guess I should make a little announcement.

No, it... For those of us who don't know,

and for those of us who do,

the Coopers are going to be having another baby.

No shit? yeah.

Oh, right on, Gordo.

Finally we can talk about it.

How can anyone not know?

It's official!

That's great.

How...how did you know, Tim?

Lucky guess.

Well, it's just beautiful.

Okay, let's have a family picture.It's beautiful.

Okay, let's get in there, Marcus.

Hey, Gordo, congratulations, Huh?

You too. Hey, Gord.

Okay, everybody.

Say cheese. Queso.

That's in Mexican.

Damn it.

Hey, there he is.

How you doing, buddy? Eh.

Huh? Feeling good?

No. No?

What's wrong?

Oh, Tim and Nance...

Oh, yeah yeah.

Problems in the bedroom.

Heard about that.

I'll tell you...this is what you've got to get her to do.

You've gotta take Nancy, right?

Bend her over like this and get her going like that.

And then you flip her over

and give her one of these, like that.

Right? Get the thumb going like that.

This is Good, right?

Well, that's part of the problem.

When I go to do one of those

my little guy presses the snooze button.

What's that?

My peter, he's sleeping on the job.

Who's Peter?

My dink! All right?

It's limp all the time.

I just...I...

I wish there was some sort of magic pill you could take

and give you a lift.

What, a penis pill?

What guy's gonna go to a doctor and go,

I need a penis pill for my little dinky

'cause I can't get it up?

That's fucking ridiculous. That would never sell.

Now what you want to do, all right,

is get some yarn, tie up the wedding tackle tight.

Cinch it in there good, get all the blood

all gushed up in there.

And you give it a few flicks and slaps,

maybe a little bit of that.

then that little thing will be all raring to go.

Then big fucking boom!

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Yeah?

Let me get a pen. Okay.

Hey, get me another drink.

a double This time.Yup.

Get my cigarettes too, Gord.

You know, in Florida, in Orlando,

you can get one of these all in silver.

Oh, that would be pretty.

You know, that was a very...

terrible gift you bought Gord.a What gift?

can I just Say... just terrible.

Terrible? Oh, I thought you said charitable.I was So embarrassed.

you are So bad.Useful.

Yeah. Yeah, you want to play music now?

Oh yeah. Here you go.

You're fine.

The other thing I did... done to me.

I don't even know who he is and he's grabbing me.

Fuck you!

Fuck you!

Oh yeah, there he goes!

Hey hey! Come on out and see what Gordo's doing.

I'm fine.

Put it up.

So who'd you dress up for, Nance?

Honest to Pete, Bev, I don't know why you have to be so cynical.

It's Christmas time, thank you.

I wish you would've told me he was coming.

I would've put on my good jeans.

Those are great.

Yeah? you think?They're very slimming.

You both look great. I just love you both.

Just give me a hand. Just give me a hand.

Okay. just open up the microwave.

Oh, I broke a nail again.

Okay, I've got some glue up in the...

I hate that.Here We go.

Do you need any help?

No, I've got it.

Potatoes are boiled. Okay.

Well, you could get them.

You don't have to send her over... No, it's fine.

So this girl is barely 17 but, oh, she was a dynamo.

Oh, I got my rocks off good that night,

I'll tell you right now.

Ugh.

I can't tell you the last time I got my rocks off.

Okay, wait wait. Hold on.

I want to know something... straight up.

Are you a faggot? What? No.

Huh? NO! Come on.

No. No, I'm just into different things.

Hey. Hey, nobody's perfect, right?

It's okay. What are you into?

Hot dump on your chest?

No No. No?

I just... What?

You ever go to the mall and you pick up one of those...

Hookers? yeah.

No No No No No.

The other girls.

The girls from Sears.

Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

Sometimes I like to go there and I touch them,

you know, the mannequins.

Right? You know? 'Cause if you think about it,

the mannequin is the perfect girl

with her body and always wearing the latest fashions.

You know, but not in a snooty way. you know?

you know? right Right.

They really look classy.

And when you touch 'em on the knee

or somewhere else, they don't say boo.

Yeah, it's 'cause they're plastic.

Plaster, actually.

One time I went back to Sears

and I seen one sitting in a dumpster, right?

So I took her home, cleaned her up real good.

Had a little bath, put on a nice new dress,

lit some candles and we had a blast.

But lately Shelly's been...

Shelly's what I call her.Ah.

She's been crammed in the closet next to the furnace

and she's warping from the heat.

It breaks my heart.

You know what?

You're a fucking weirdo.

I wish you was into hot dumps on your chest.

Maybe we'd have something in common.

Fucking weirdo.

"A mannequin.

I fuck mannequins."Teddy, fuck off!

What's under here?

It's a punching bag my dad got me last Christmas.

I haven't used it.Oh Yeah?

That's too bad,

'cause I can teach you to do one of these.

Hyah!

Wow.

That was pretty cool, I guess.

I have a black belt four times over.

Wow. You're like Mr. Miyagi.

That's right.

Paint the house, sand the floor, huh?

What?

and every time it happens... Yeah?

he is just so embarrassed, and I don't blame him.

I really don't.

Well, the thing is, I think it happens to a lot of men.

I wish it would happen to Nick.

Sometimes that man doesn't know what hole he's raping.

Well, you take the good with the bad.

What the hell does that even mean?

I don't know. Six of one...

Okay, listen to me. If you're not getting laid,

the trouble... it just trickles down from there.

That's not true. Sometimes a little romance and some cuddling,

it goes a long way.

You know what? That's true.

Yes.Gordon can be very romantic.

Oh, that's romantic.

One time when we were younger, he rented out an entire theater

so we could watch "Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo"

all by ourselves.

Yeah, 'cause it would've been packed full if he didn't.

Oh, shush. Tell us more, Nance. Come on.

Umm...

You know, I think that's... I think that's about it.

Well, what are you gonna do?

Well, you're gonna leave him. You're not happy, right?

right?No, don't be ridiculous.

Oh, come on, Nancy. I've been telling you this for years.

You know what? I made a commitment to stick it out.

That's exactly what I'm gonna do, you know?

Yup, just like mom and Dad.Yeah

There are so many reasons to stay together.

Oh, Come on. name one.

the children.

Oh yeah, that's a prize. One wets his bed

and the other one thinks he's a fucking space monkey.

You Have a brand new one on the way.

You know What I Say you do?

I say you take the baby and run...far away.

Where is she gonna go? She can't even drive.

She'll go with Tim.

He obviously wants to nail her.

Oh my God.

Well, Now that I agree with. Hmm?

You should do it, Nance.

What are you filming, Dad?

Nothing. It's just your mom and sisters acting silly.

Are you all right?

Are you crying? Just...

No, I think it's on.It's on? Okay.

Ooh, I'm all tied up.

I'm helpless.

What you gonna do to me, Baby?

Oh, I don't know.What you gonna...

what...what the hell are those, Baby?

Baby? Ah! Ah!

Oh! Oh!

Not sexy! Not sexy!

Are you All right?

Ow! Boy, that's not good.

Oh, when does this get good?

For you, sir. There you go.

Nance, Come on. get dressed.Okay. Y...

It's tradition.

You Have never gone tobogganing before in Your life.

What are you... Tim and me used to go out.

Timmy! Let's go! Let's go, Tim!

Okay, just don't.

Dinner is almost served.

The turkey's in the microwave.

Just...please, I don't need this right now.

Quit Your nagging, Dom.

Hey, We need Some travelers.

It's in the liquor cabinet.

Hey, Wayner,

go get the booze in the liquor cabinet.

Teddy. Yeah?

Where's your dirtsy boots? Dirtsy boots?

Why aren't you dressed?

Hey, who does this kid think he is anyway, Hef Nefner?

Hey, listen, I'll tell you what...

why don't you guys go do your sledding

and I'll help the ladies finish dinner?

Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

No way. You're coming with me

and I'm gonna wipe the floor with you on that hill.

Well, can Heather come? I want Heather to come.

Yeah, she will if you use your fingers.

Gordon, did you hear that one?

That's gotta be the bestest joke I ever told!

'Cause he says, "Oh, you know, I want her to come."

And then I said... oh, what did I say?

I don't have my keys.I've got 'em.

It's all right. I'm driving.

No No No No.

Hey, friends don't let other people's friends drunken drive.

You're drunker than me, dude.

you wish, buddy.

Give me the keys. Give me the keys.

Nicky, that hurt!

Ah! Oh shit.

Give it to me.Wait wait wait.

Wait. How drunk are you out of 10?

About a C-.

Better than me.

Ah. Now you're talking sense.

Look at me!

I'm Vance Duke!

Hey hey! Get off!

Dad. Dad!

Get in the car.

Jesus Christ! What was that?

What is this, 20 questions?

No, just one... what did you hit?!

Hey, put a leash on that kid!

Hey, where's Tim?

Who's Tim? My brother Tim.

Who?

My goddamn brother!

He's been on Nancy like shit on fries all day. Where is he?

Hey, look at me. What?

look at my eyes. Uh-huh. Would I lie to you?

You're driving!

Oh shit.

Hey, you got something that he don't got.

What is that? a wife... Mm-hmm.

and she loves you. Don't she?

Watch... Look out!

Sorry. Here We are.

There He is.

You know, Nicky, you're really sweet sometimes.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm pretty sweet, huh?

Hey, look at this. Hmm?

Hey, fuck her! I did!

The guy's probably going,

Who is that, whore?

I'm gonna kick your ass now, whore.

Who the fuck gets married on Christmas anyway?

shit.

Hoggin' Hill!

You're awesome.

Hey, Wayner, turn up the music! Turn it up!

♪ Ow!.

♪ yeah yeah...

Okay, give me a push. hold it, hold it.

♪ I used to think Maybe you loved me, Now, baby...

Nicky! Nicky, look out!

Come on, guys! Come on!

Ted!

Come on down, Ted!

Yeah!

Whoo!

Now give her a kiss!

Uh-oh! Uh-oh!

Wipe out!

♪ I'm walking on sunshine...

Come on, kids!

Uncle Nick?

♪ Whoa, I'm walking on sunshine...

Oh, way to go, Uncle Okeke!

♪ And don't it feel good!

♪ Hey! is He okay?

Marcus, let's go! It's fun!

Looks steep.

What's the matter?Come on, Marcus.

Come on, give me a push.Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Go, Poppy!

I'm slipping.I've got him.

You've got Poppy?Yeah, I've got him. All Right.

Poppy! Poppy! Poppy!

No! Ah! Oh my! Oh my God.

Oh my God!

Poppy!are you okay?

I'm okay. I'm okay.

Come on down, you pussies!

No, I'm not doing this again.

You come up.

One two three!

Do it! Come on, Uncle Nick! You can do it!

Uncle Nick, are you okay? Yeah!

Uncle Nick!

Uncle Nick!

Hey! Hey!

♪ I'm walking on sunshine, whoa...

Go, Dad! Get him! Elbow drop.

Uh-Oh. Uh-Oh.

♪ And don't it feel good!Oh!

♪ I'll say it, I'll say it, I'll say it again now...

Do it. do it. do it.God.

♪ And don't it feel good!

Atomic drop!

He's crazy.

Oh God.

Marcus!

Marcus, let's go! It's fun!

No! Yes!

Marcus, come down the hill!

No! I don't wanna! Yes!

Oh, Marcus, Quit being a baby.

Nicky. Nicky, your son's taking the car.

Hey, Nicky, where's he going?

Are you going for a booze run?

Whiskey!

Whiskey!

Okay, come on.

Anyone?

Popeye. Popeye.

Looks like you turkeys owe me a buck.

There was a pay phone six miles back.

They're coming to pick us up.

Okay. Hey, here's another one, all right?

Grr, I hate fools.

Hey, look look.

He don't know who I'm doing.

Hey, if anyone should know who I'm doing,

he should know who I'm doing.

Hey, I've got one.

How do you get a racist pig to laugh on Sunday?

How?

You tell him a joke on Friday.

That's no joke.

I didn't get it.

Nice try there, Carson.

One more for the road!

Who's with me?!

Is this the wop car?

Hey, Chef Boyardee shows up!

You folks need a ride?

Cool, we get to ride in the Caddy.

Oh yeah, but not like that you don't.

Here, slip these on.

Garbage bags?

This good enough, grub?

Yeah. Yeah, that's good.

Perfect. Hop in. Come on.

Shotgun. ah.

Dad, Dad, watch the camera.

Gord, Gord, Gord, Gord.

Teddy, move Your hand.Don't force it, bro. Come on.

I'll make a shuttle run and I'll come back and get you, huh?

Huh? That's sweet, grub.

Well, great. Real nice. Thank you.

No no no, I'm not gonna let my friend

wait out in the cold by himself.

He needs a buddy, huh?

My friend Jack'll keep you company.

Okay, but don't you forget about me.

Count on it.

Don't you forget about me.

Ever been in a Cadillac?

Well, that was good times.

Shut up. look at me.

where is Wayne?

Well, he got in the car and went...foof!

Right out of sight. You can't keep that kid down.

Well, why didn't you run after him?

Run? Who am I, Buck Rogers?

He's gonzo.

The kid's a junkie anyway. Fuck him.

Okay, don't be stupid, all right?

We're family. Good or bad, we stick it out.

I'm gonna go find him.

Wait wait wait, get me some turkey.

Get it yourself, asshole.

Oh fuck.Tim, give me a ride.

Oh. Jeez, I would, babe, but I just got back.

Nance!

Fucking idiots.

Fucking idiots.

You want a hand there?

No, I'm fine, thank you.

Watch the paint. Watch the paint.

Watch the paint.

Way to go. You're good.Excuse me.

You're good. You're good.

Fucking asshole.

Fucking prick.

I'm coming for you, Wayne.

I'm coming for you.

Oh! Yeah. Here I go.

Looking good, Bevie!

Hey, aren't you going to pick up my dad?

Yeah yeah yeah, in a few minutes.

Actually give me that a second.

No No, wait.

Someone's in here!

Oh, don't I know it.

Hello.

Oh, Ti...oh God.

turn that thing off, please. Why?

Where's...where's Gord?

Gord decided to stay behind and get drunk.

What else is new?

Okay. Look at those. Yum Yum Yum yum.

Okay. Hey. Please, stop it.

What's under there?

Get out of there!

I'm a married woman with child.

Yeah. Whose child is that, I wonder, huh?

Okay, shh! Don't talk like that.

Nance. Nance.It's not nice.

I didn't come here for the coleslaw and mashed potatoes.

Why did you come here exactly?

Why did you think I came here, huh? Come on.

I've got a two-for-one deal that you wouldn't believe.

Fly away with me and we can lie naked on a beach

and make crazy, passionate love 24/7.

You know what? That sounds like

a little too much whoopee to me.

Ooh, that gives me som...ooh, hello.

Look at those.

Look at those jumbo jumbo...

Oh God, just turn it off. Yum Yum Yum Yum yum.

Could you just please...

and these buns are just begging for a buttering.

Rawr.begging for What?

Begging for this.

Oh Go...Tim, it's Christmas. Tada. Pull your pants up.

That's not what you were screaming four months ago.

Eh.

Oh, hello.

Merry merry, Gord.

We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish...

I don't think we're in the shot.

Trust me, Baby. I know what I'm doing.

The shot's beautiful. The shot's beautiful.

Okay, Good Good Good good.

Okay, in the living room.

Okay. Dougie, go ask Heather if she likes me.

Go. Go.

Here you go, door. Dougie. Dougie.

Dougie!Oh, merry merry!

Happy happy!

Noticed no one that I was gone?!

Well, Here We go.

You.

I've got something to say to you.

Gosh, the suspense is Killing me.

Shut up, grub.

Okay, all right. Gordon, you've had way too much to drink.

You're not yourself right now.

You're not yourself, Dom.just take off Your coat, relax.

You don't think I know what's going on?

All Right. Come on.

Sit down, Gord, before you break something.

I'll break something. I'll break your face.

What's that? What?

What's that? Huh?

I didn't...

What? You said something.

You want a fresh one? Hmm?

I'd kill you.

I kill Poppy!

Ooh!

Ooh shit!Oh my God.

Oh, Poppy! And Poppy goes down!

Oh Jesus.

Dougie, you little slugger.

We should take him to the hospital.

I'll take him, Nance.

Dougie, you get your boots on.

Marcus, could you help Uncle Okeke with Dougie's boots?

Uncle Who?

Teddy, turn that MF'ing thing off.

What?just give it to me.

Mom, careful.

Off.

There.

You know what, mister?

Some moments are not meant to be filmed.

Heather, sweetheart, are you coming?

Oh, wait wait wait wait wait.Ow.

Please, just stop. I ...I need you.

Eww. barf me out.

What? What do you want?

Turkey? Presents? Chocolate?How about money? Mmm.

money? you want money? I've got lots of money and you can have it.

put them on.

Okay, Mom, I'm gonna stay and Have Some turkey.

Okay. Well, Come and help with Poppy.

Okay. Okay.

Take your coleslaw with you.

Just gonna end up in the toilet.

You want a fresh one, grub? Hmm?

"I'll kill you."

Fuck you.

Let's do it then.

Hmm?

Come on, let's get it on.

It's been a long time coming

and you've been asking for it, bud.

You heard that?Yeah, I did.

Winner takes Nancy. Deal?

Fine, outside!

Let's do it!Come on!

Come on!

Ah!

Hey!

Get out here!

Oh fuck!

Oh, God damn!

Ugh.

Christmas bird is cooking.

Where is it? In the microwave. Stupid.

Here here here.

He's back here.

Oh. Oh Jesus!

Gord!

Oh, that's it. Christmas bird.

Dad!

Let us inside!

Bleh. This tastes awful.

That's where you go, friend.

What the hell are you doing? Oh Shit, Nana bear wanted some.

Open the door, Gord. Uncle Gord.

a little bit Of this. It's Christmas!

Ooh. Maybe Some coleslaw too.

Gord!

We got the Nana bear, gets her food

Nana bear, we get...

What did she lock it for?

Nana, open the... oh, shoot.

Some turkey under the door for Nana. There we go.

Stuffing the stuffing for Nana.

Nana, you're gonna enjoy this.

And some co...

never tried this.

Boy, that's...that's good.

Uncle Gord, open the door!

Dad!

Jesus Christ. What are you doing?

What are you doing?!

I can do What I want.

I am freezing!

Does nobody care that I am freezing?

Where the hell I put the coleslaw?

Oh Jesus.

Oh.

Now that is a fascinating shot.

Yes, they get...oh shoot.

La, gotta wash my feet.

See, there's nobody in the kitchen.

I'm going downstairs.

Jeez!

Aw, Jesus.

Ahh! Shit.

Ahh.

That hurt.

Now see, Nicky...

tell him what I done.

Here, Nicky.

There's Nicky! Taking a nappy.

Fuck off.

Oh Nicky.

You won't believe what I did.

I was eating turkey

and I fall down.

It's already 12:00.

Oh Jesus.

Nicky, you're snoring. Turn over.

Gordon!

Gordon!

Dad?

Dad.

Marcus, get inside.Dad.

You're gonna catch a cold.

Unc--Unc-- Uncle Nick?

Gordon, get up. You locked us outside.

Wake up!Okay.

Is he gonna be okay, Mom?

I do okay.

Everybody fine, Gord.

Okay, Nance, I'm going to...

Oh, Tim, I am sorry. I am just...

I am so sorry about this.

Don't worry about it now.

Me too, but...

I'm going to get going.

Oh no, no no no.

Stay.

Stay for dinner.

No, I'm staying at the Clarkson Motel

for $19.99 a night, actually.

And I'm going to take advantage of my American dinner plan.

Oh well, at least let Joanie drive you back

when she gets... when she gets home.

I mean, I think you're tipsy.

I don't want you on the road tonight.

Hm-mm-mm-mm-mmm.

I have my own car and I don't really drink.

No.

Okay then.

Well...

You wanna come with me?

Oh...

Of course she does.

She's always wanted to go with you.

It's fine. Go.

She's not my girl anyway.

I stole her from you in the first place.

You remember when you two were in high school and dating?

Oh boy. You were both so in love.

And remember when I told you

I saw him Frenching Tabitha Stapley at the movies?

Well, surprise-- I lied.

Oh my God, why would you lie about that?

How else was I going to get you to leave him?

Who are you gonna be with?

This guy who's better at everything

or this guy who's better at nothing?

Oh my God, we were teenagers then.

I don't care about that.

What do you care about?

This house? Our marriage...

built on routine and small talk?

That ain't a marriage.

That's...

Tim. Ahem.

It's good to see you.

Drive safe. Calling for freezing rain later so...

Nance...

just go.

Well, I guess I'll just go pack a bag.

Uh, what just happened?

Are you and my mom together now?

Yeah, how do I put this delicately?

Um... you know the beginning of the ride at Space Mountain

when you go into the tunnel...

No. you Ever been spelunking? No.

Screw this.

I had sex with your mommy on her wedding night

and she's been craving the old Timbone ever since.

Whoa, wait, does that mean Marcus is your kid?

Um, I don't know. Yeah, probably. Jesus.

Nance, I'll be in the car.

Why do you keep doing this to me?

Why do you keep doing this to me, Gord?

I hate you!

I hate all of you!

I wish I was never born.

Well, go kill yourself then.

Give it a rest.

Mom! Mom, wait!

Mom, wait wait wait!

What about dinner?

Out of the way, Ted!

Nance!

Nancy!

Nancy!

Nance!

Nancy!

Get dressed.

About right.

Um, all right, quick recap um,

this is the sad part of our movie.

Um, it seems the Coopers have been torn asunder.

Teddy?

Teddy, hey. I'm going to get going now, okay?

Oh no no no, don't go.

I've got your turkey right here.

Now do you want white meat or dark meat?

I wanted money. Oh yeah Right.

Look, I've got two bucks. That's all I could find.

Here.

Give it. Thank you.

Well, wait.

I thought... I don't get anything for that?

Pfft! What more do you want?

Oh, I don't know. Uh, can I see your boob?

For two bucks? Are you kidding me?

This is what you can see for two bucks, okay?

Uh, wait wait wait wait.

Um well, I've got, um, another $2 in here for you.

Wait!

there We go, Okay.

And go.

Yeah.

Are you serious? That's not even clothing.

Okay, here we go.

You want the rest off?

Yes!

But I think I'm out of money.

Aw, that's too bad.

Wait! Wait wait wait wait wait.

I've got money somewhere, I know it.

Okay. See ya.

Oh, wait wait wait wait wait, just...

uh, can I give you a kiss at least?

Ew, gross.

Well, as a thank you.

Okay, that's disgusting.

You're, like, my cousin.

Oh, ew.

I love you!

And then...

coleslaw.

It's delicious.

Joanie bologna made it.

It's got some raisins and beets and...

anchovies really add some zip.

First...

that's good.

To us.

Hmm.

You dropped your fork.

I don't belong here.

Another place, another time

where I will destroy all of you.

But first I must destroy myself,

for then I will become more powerful than you could ev...

but before I kill myself with this floor cleaner,

I will first clean my mind.

Get it together, Marc! Get it together!

Now I shall become more powerful than you...

Hey, Marc.

Have a seat for a minute.

I think we need to chat.

Oh Jesus.

What are you cooking here, Marc?

It smells like...

egg salad and blue spruce.

What do you want?

Marcus, do you remember the day you were born?

No.

I do.

I remember it like it was yesterday.

The nurse brought me into the delivery room and she said,

"Mr. Cooper, please say hello

to your beautiful baby girl."

See, you were born a hermaphrodite

with both sexual organs.

Over time a penis grew out of your vagina

and made you what you are today.

But I'll always remember that first moment.

It just hit me like a cannonball.

Love.

Pure untainted love.

The love of a father and a daughter.

And that's a special bond they'll never take away from us,

no matter what happens between your mommy and me.

I was a girl?

We called you Tiffany till you were three.

You had such a pretty face.

You know, you just...

Aw, Christ, Marcus, I don't know if I'm your dad or your uncle.

You know, what I do know is that family

isn't just in the blood.

It's in the heart.

Does that mean I can have babies?

Let's have that discussion another time.

Okay.

Why don't you clean this up?

It's... starting to trigger my tricky bum.

It was a good talk.

Teddy, get out of here. Why are you taping this?

I heard you wailing.

I'm working one out. Get lost.

So what are you gonna do, Pop?

I'm doing it.

No, about Mom and Uncle Tim.

He can have her.

They make a nice couple.

Oh Jeez, are you still bellyaching?

What is it, Grand Central Station in here?

What? Oh God.

I don't even know what you're complaining about.

You got Shelly.

I seen her up in the kitchen there.

I seen what you're talking about too.

Oh my God.

Top shelf, buddy.

Oh hey... let me tell you something.

There's an old saying...Oh Come on now.

Oh No No No No No.

Confusion... you want something,

you go get it. All Right.

You lose it again, you go fucking get it back again.

All right? Yeah, Dad, Shit or get off the pot.

Oh Jesus Christ.

Oh my God!

both Of you get out Of here.

No, you get out! Come on, get out.

No, it's halfway out. What are you doing?

Nicky! Nick!

Oh, boo-fucking-hoo.

"My wife left me.

My one brother's better than me."

I said I was Going to get her.

I said I was gonna go get her.

Shut up! Just drive.

We're going to get her.Damn it, Nicky.

Turn the key, start the car.

I'm trying to work out a plan here, okay?

I gotta know exactly what I'm going to say to her

that's going to make her come back home.

You say to her that family isn't just in the blood,

it's in the heart.

Oh, that's stupid. Get in the car, Marc.

Okay, so what does she want, huh?

Wants you to get it up, check.

Got your new pump.

What else?

Um, a trip to Orlando.

How much Does that cost?

$2,000.00.Well, go get $2,000.

Where the hell am I going to get...

Stay right here.

I'll be right back.

Okey-dokey.

Where is He going?

I know where he's going.Where?

He's probably going to get himself a hooker.

The guy's a single guy now. It's no big deal.

I go to hookers all the time.

So I'm ball-deep in this fat ugly one, right?

And this other guy, he's fingering my corn pop.

Well, fuck, I just go off like a fire hose, right?

You couldn't turn that shit off.

I'm like using my hand like this.

It's deflecting off that into her hair,

all over her nice dress.

And she's gotta wear that out later, right?

Not classy.

Huh. Disgusting.

Whose house is this anyway?

Heather, can you open the door? I want to get a better shot.

Brrr.

Shut the door. It's cold.

But he just told me to... Hey, isn't that Bill Davidson?

Oh forget it! Davidson? I know that heeb.

What is He doing?

Hey, Gordo! Go get him, Gordo!

Oh my God.What's going on?

What, is he taking their...

Oh, Ted, presents!

Look...he's like the Grinch.

What's Dad doing?

He's saving Christmas, that's what he's doing.

Told you! Single guy now.

Uncle Nick. Nicky!

Start the engine, Nick!Huh? What?

Why is He running?Start the engine, Nick!

get ready, open the door.Okay okay!

Start it up! Go go go, come on!

Get over, get over!Oh my God.

I got it!

Our vacation money back from Davidson.

Two grand at a pawnshop!

can We go home Now please?All right, all right, hold on.

Everybody buckled?

not me.Oh Jesus!

Who the hell is This guy?

Cooper, you son of a bitch!

Give me back Baby's ring.

What's the matter with you?

Give me Baby's ring and I want that camera.

Give me the goddamn camera.Rock 'n' roll!

Uncle Nick, go go go.

Drive!

Yeah, I'm driving, I'm driving.

Can We Please go home?

Just get rid of him.

Oh my God.

is He okay?

Jesus Christ. We just killed Bill Davidson.

Who?

All right, All Right.

I'm trying to save my marriage here, okay?

A little perspective.

Where the hell are we?

What are we looking for again here?

It's called the Clarkson Motel.

Oh, there it is. There it is.

Ha ha! Where?

Right here, we're passing it!

Jesus Christ.

Hey, is that Uncle Tim's car?

Yeah, I see it.

Hey, I'm scared. can you Please Let me out Of the car?

Heather, it's okay.

Quit your whining! You sound like my girlfriend.

Whoa, Nicky, Nicky, whoa.

Slow down.

Kids, kids, get your seat belts on!

Oh, God damn it.

Is anybody hurt? Or no?

That was awesome! Let's do it again.

Okay, one more time for the kids, huh?

No! Nicky, No.

Yes! Yes!

Let's get out.Jesus.

Christ.

Hey, Uncle Nick, don't you think that's a bit much?

Yeah yeah, you're probably right.

Should probably find him first.

Hey, Gordo, go find him!

Where do I start?

Let's just start knocking on doors.

Good idea, son. You go that way, I'll go this way.

Okay, your family is fucked, okay?

I'm leaving. Do you want to come with me?

I don't know. My family kind of needs me.

Come on. You know, I'll give you a special discount.

Uh, yeah, I can't really afford you, so...

see you next Christmas.

Uh.

I'm sorry.

Oh, Sorry. Wrong room.

Sorry, Wrong room.

What the hell?

Sorry, Wrong room.

Hey, Dad! Uncle Nick's stirring up something pretty good.

I think this is it.

I think this one's it.

Use the Force.

How about I just use my foot?

Aw fuck!

How does he do that?

Sorry, Wrong room.

Eh, I'll do it my way.

Here We go. Come on in, Gordo.

Oh Jesus!

Oh God!

Jesus Christ, perfect timing.

Do you mind? I'm trying to get my groove on here.

Hey, get out of here and leave my mom alone!

Oh, Marcus.

This is my room So you get the hell out of here

or I will spin-kick you out of here, you little pissant.

Hey hey hey!

No one talks to my son that way.

Your son?!

That's up for debate, buddy.

Hey! You may be my father, but him...this guy...

he's my dad.

That's real sweet, Tiffany.

Excuse me...Tiffany?

Am I missing something?Turn it off!

What are you doing here?

Sugartits, stay out of this, okay?

I'll handle this.Just please, I wanna...

look, I just came to Say that...

I'm sorry.

For What?

For...damn it, Ted!

I told you I should have planned out what I was gonna say!

Just tell her How you feel.

I feel like a lump of shit!

From the heart.

Shut up, Marcus, please.

Nance, I can't promise you much,

but I can promise you that.

What?

That I can't promise you much.

Oh, that's not very much, is it, Gord?

No. No, it's not.

Tell you what.

Let me put this baby to bed right now, okay?

I hold in my hand two coach-class seats

to Orlando, Florida.

Now I couldn't get any passes to Disney World,

but I did get the second-best thing...

three days at SeaWorld.

SeaWorld? Yeah.

Oh.

What, you don't like Shamu?

What?

The killer whale.

Nance?

Nancy, please,

just give me one more kick at the can.

No, she doesn't want to!

Just let me hear what he has to say, please.

Please, Nance,

I know I pushed you away.

It's all my fault, I know, but please don't throw it away,

for us, for the kids,

for this new beautiful baby.

Please please.

I've made so many mistakes in my life...

except for one,

and that was tricking you into marrying me.

Oh, Gord.

I stole this from Bill Davidson.

Oh, I'm so sorry too.

Sorry, wrong room.

Or, you know, you could marry me.

Where's your ring?

I don't need one. Why would I need one?

That's not what she wants.

This is what she wants. Hey hey!

Hey, nobody Does that to my wife anymore.

I warned you! I warned you, grub.

These hands are registered weapons.

Come on, Come on. Don't do this.

get him, Dad.hold This, Marcus.

Knock his block off.

Punch him right in the throat!

Get off, you pissant!

Dad, Dad, Tim's getting away. Tim's getting away!

Did He hurt you?Be right with you.

I'll go film him.Is Your head okay?

No.

What the fuck are you doing to my car?!

Hey, Gordo, you get your wife back yet?

Dad, are you okay? Dad, Uncle Nick is losing it.

Hey, why don't you go back to the old country,

you Italian-American?

Hey, you hear that?

I'm not racist, you little queer.

What?Hey Hey, Whoa Whoa whoa.

Oh my God.

Jesus Christ. Time for a barbecue.

Ba-badum!

Holy cra...

Oh!

There you go!

you getting All This, Teddy?

Uncle Nick, What are you doing?

Come on, blow up! Blow up again!

Are you nuts? What the hell is the matter with you?

you almost killed me.

You're fine.

Nick, Nick! Huh?

Your son is in a heap Of shit.

The police are after us. Get in.

Well, chip off the old block, huh?

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good...

Get in the car, asshole.

See ya.That's right, in the back.

Come on, Wayne.

Hey, Wayne, Did you get my whiskey?

Why the hell not?

Holy fucking hell!Ohhh.

What the fuck do We do?

Gordon, we're fucked.

Uh, Dad, What do We do?

I don't know about you guys, I'm getting the hell out of here.

No, wait, Ted, Ted, Ted!

Come back. Come here, come here.

We're gonna stick it out, okay?

We're gonna stay here and we're gonna be a family.

I'm hiding, I'm hiding. It's fine. God, it's...

the door is busted in.

Like all the others.

Let's go.

The light's burned out.

Yeah. Let's go.

Let's take a quick look.

13-80-61. 13-80-61.

Assistance at 2-4-13-Victor-6.

They're headed for the border... a two-door gray sedan!

You can understand that?

Are we good?

Yeah, we're good.

Oh, get a room, you crazy kids.

Okay okay, let's go, let's go, let's go.

It's...

Oh Jesus.

Who wants to grab some brekkie, huh?

Maybe head for the border?

I think that's a good idea. Yeah?

Okay, let's go this way.

All right, but...

Before we wrap up this cute little movie,

there's just one thing I didn't quite understand:

Dad, why did you call Marcus "Tiffany"?

Teddy, don't make me trot out the story of how Bill Davidson

might be Your Real Dad.

Ha Ha, yeah, very funny, Dad.

It's true.

We're gonna miss you, grub.

but I wanna be a part Of This family.

Ohhh. Yeah well,

you're welcome to come anytime you want.

Just... gotta get dressed.get dressed.

Come on, Nance, give me a hand.

Well, fuck...

Uh, you know, we can do this more than once a year.

Mm-hmm.

We can even do it in Orlando.

What are you talking about?

I snagged them From Tim.

Oh, I love you.

Oh no no no no, don't. Don't don't.

I want to be able to see you.

Sorry, muffin, I'm an old-fashioned kind of guy.

Oh. All right.

Start it up.

Where is it? Okay.

Uh-huh.

Oh.

Oh. Oh.

This thing really works.

It sure does. Ooh.

I've never seen peter so excited.

Uh-huh.

All right, Come here.Yep.

Ooh, is it in? I think so.

Oh, that has got to be a new record.

That was, uh...

that was nice.

Yeah, it sure was. Night-night.

No No No No.

No Night-night.

Oh there you go.Oh, you can.

See?

Who the hell is in the sauna?

Nice. Warm.

Hey hey!

What the fuck?

No, I think it's off.

Christmas songs.

Ohhhh.

So what do you think, Gord, huh?

I don't know if it's worth 100 bucks, but...

Yeah? All right, how about this...

Ow, damn it.

Ninja stars, huh?

Oh! How 'bout that? How 'bout that, huh? Huh?

I don't know. The angle's all off.

You know, Mr. Scorsese, I don't need your notes

on my camera angles.All Right.

I think I've done this a few times.

I think I know what I'm doing.

Hey. I apologize.

get back here.

Excuse me.

All right, that's a little better.