Original subtitles

Now, easy, boy.

Steady. Wait, whoa!

Fucking wings! What's going on?

Fucking white horse!

lt's not bad, dude.

Don't give up your day job.

ls he Milli or Vanilli?

You are a genius.

-Hey, Andy. -Yo, Eddie!

Drinks on the house!

Hey, baby!

Hollywood.

Hold it!

Hold it!

-Thank you. -No problem.

l'm in love. You're a fox, baby.

Not just a fox, but the fox of foxes!

lf l was a hound dog, you wouldn't stand a chance.

l'd be snapping at you day and night.

l'm a snapper.

Edward Dash?

-That's me. -Take a seat.

Well, Mr. Dash...

...for your probation, you owe us 1 00 hours of community service.

Let's see what we've got.

The L.A. Housing Facility needs help with bricklaying.

No laying bricks or stuff like that.

l don't do that lifting shit.

-Graffiti removal? -You heard what l said?

Does that preclude you from doing anything strenuous?

Yes, it precludes me.

We do have a few less strenuous activities.

But they involve helping the disadvantaged...

...and there are certain requirements.

l can have a degree here in 24 hours. From Harvard!

A degree isn't necessary.

lt's a matter of patience and kindness.

What they're looking for is a ''people person.''

That's me.

Are you telling me you are a ''people person''?

That's what l'm telling you.

How about spending some time...

...with a voluntary patient from the Rivington Clinic?

No lifting?

The Rivington is a sanitarium.

Your job would be to accompany the individual...

...to various therapeutic and cultural pursuits.

l guess that means taking a patient to the ballet or museum.

Museum? l know a great one of those.

I can handIe this.

I can handIe this.

George, you've been ready for months to go back into the world.

But you have to feel ready.

Do you feel ready, George?

l don't know.

He's not ready.

You're scared, aren't you?

You're scared a girl will ask to see your mickey.

That's enough, Brad. Let him talk.

No, no, that's not it.

He's just scared of lying. lsn't that right, Pinoc?

And then his nose starts growing. l hate when that happens.

Are you afraid you might start to lie again, George?

What's a pathological liar going to say? ''Now l'm going to lie''?

Yesterday, you couldn't wait to go. Do you remember?

You said, ''l'm a-ready, Teddy-o!''

What did you say yesterday?

l'm a-ready, Teddy-o.

Hit the deck! lncoming!

Why are you afraid, George?

Why can't l just stay here?

Why do l have to go? l like it here.

-l feel safe here. -American 357.

Why can't l stay?

Definitely U.S. Air. Excellent airline.

Flight 202 from Baltimore.

There's a nice young man coming here...

...to take you to find you an apartment and a job.

You're looking forward to that, aren't you?

He's afraid he'll see his girlfriend and won't be able to get it up.

-No, l'm not. -ls that it, George?

Anyway, she dumped me.

She dumped you because you said you were a brain surgeon!

l did not say that.

What'd you tell her?

A commando in the Navy Seals.

Why do you feel you always had to lie to her?

She wouldn't have looked at me twice if l said l was a Volvo salesman.

Excuse me, sir. l hate to bother you.

l know you're busy with the therapy.

l need to clear something up.

You're not the governor of California?

Did you fellows know he's been lying? l have egg on my face.

Hello?

Can you help me find Nurse Fletcher?

The dailies were great. l don't understand.

They said the dailies were great. l don't understand.

Your brother?

This would be a marvelous time to extract the present...

...for George.

Very well, Mr. Spock. Gentlemen, set your phasers on stun.

George, on behalf of my entire crew, Spock, Bones, Scotty...

...we'd like to present you with a gift.

Something we picked up on Rigel lV.

lt's our way of saying good luck out there in the world.

Show them what you're made of. Live long...

...and prosper.

Go where no man has gone before!

Phil, will you shut up! l think he gets it.

-l was simply saying.... -l'm very touched.

l must say, l didn't expect....

-A hat. -An Honest...

...Abe hat.

lt's to house your mickey after a busy day of lying.

l know it's insulting to you.

But the fellows did craft it.

l'm not insulted by this. Far from it.

l'm going to wear this hat.

l've earned it.

l'll treasure it.

l'm not afraid anymore, Teddy.

l'm ready for my new life.

Then say it, George!

l'm a-ready, Teddy. Go!

Have you ever worked with the mentally challenged, Mr. Dash?

Well, my sister's a loony.

What sort of work do you do?

A little bit of this, little bit of that.

Look! There he is, with the hat.

Can l have your Heath bars?

Wait, l got a lot of stuff to do, you know?

Places to go, people to meet.

You needn't worry about George.

He's not a lunatic.

Come on.

That must be him.

lf he starts having fits...

...l'll be across the street. l don't want to be around that.

Mr. Dash, l hope you'll be patient with George.

-He looks like a nice man. -l'll say hello and bring him here.

See you in a minute.

Eddie.

Eddie, hi.

Playing games already, Eddie?

This is Eddie, isn't it?

-George, this is Eddie Dash. -l knew it! Hello, Eddie.

Don't you kiss me no more. l'm going to kick your ass.

He's going to kick my ass!

Funny.

-l want you to meet the guys. -Don't touch me.

Come on.

He's not a lunatic?

-Don't touch me! -Motherfu--

Hi, everybody. This is Eddie, my new best friend.

Eddie, this is Teddy and Phil and Tim.

Appreciate it, but we got to go, you see.

My car's out front. Come on, let's go!

Eddie says we have to go now. l better get going.

So long, everybody. Goodbye, nurse.

Goodbye, George.

lf you need anything, just call.

-See you later. -Write me!

l can't tell you how wonderful it feels to be out on my own again.

l'm not sorry about my time at the clinic...

...because they did me a world of good.

l don't regret any of that. l wish l could tell you sometime.

But l mean reading articles, seeing newspapers...

...watching life and the world and everything on television--

l'm just anxious to be a part of it again.

l understand they put basil on everything now.

l'm very fond of basil.

Basil is an herb whose time has truly come.

l'm not letting you talk at all.

lt just occurred to me. l'm hogging the conversation.

l don't give you a chance to get in there.

Jabber, jabber, jabber....

l'm trying to make a good impression.

When l want to make a good impression, l talk and talk.

-Jabber, jabber, jabber. -Shut the fuck up!

Sorry.

There it is!

-What? -The museum!

This is going to be fun.

You'll have a good day and take care of your life.

Aren't you coming with me?

l'd love to, but l got a church group thing.

Eddie, you can't just leave me here.

Please, l circled the want ads. l thought you would help me find--

Culture. There it is!

Culture's all you want. Right there!

l haven't been on my own for over 3 years.

You're not alone. They got everything from Dolly Parton to the Pope.

Eddie, just give me a minute to get used to the idea, okay?

Ready?

No, l'm terrified!

Don't be terrified.

Hey, George!

Got any money?

l'm okay for money.

Give me $50 and l'll go in with you.

Me and you.

-l don't like it here. -Wait a minute.

-Did they only give you $50? -No, they--

Hi. How are you doing?

George!

Damn you! You see what you did to my friend, you big, green fuck?

-My cigar! -l'm so sorry.

You killed my cigar.

-Let me help you. -You broke my cigar!

lt's my fault. l shouldn't have been running.

Abe, it's you!

l'm not Abe.

What do you do, disappear, then come back to kill me, Abe?

You're mistaking me for someone else.

You mean, because of the hat. l'm not Abe.

You're not Abe Fielding? What is this, a joke?

l'm not joking at all. l think maybe you had a bad fall.

Shit!

You know, a lot of people would say...

...it's rude to bet thousands of dollars...

...then skip town without a trace.

You're making a mistake.

l got some of it.

What is that?

-Payoff of the bet. -What bet?

You won the bet. Dallas won.

l'm not Abe. You think Abe won a bet from you.

-l'm in the clergy. -Really? What church?

You want to give it to someone named Abe. l'm not Abe.

Holy shit!

That's what l thought.

You think it's me, but--

l can't take that money.

Abe!

This is my best friend, Eddie. He'll tell you.

You want to know about Abe?

You ask me, because Abe and l are best friends.

Not Abe Fielding. Big joke on me, right?

8:00, Shorefront Cafe. l'll have your money.

Abe will be there.

He's making a terrible mistake. He might have a concussion.

l hope he has it tonight.

l don't want to do this.

Look, the guy wants to give you money.

No, he wants to give Abe Fielding money.

l'm doing all this for you. What are you doing for me?

But you want me to lie, the worst thing l could do.

What good is telling the truth if you got nothing to say?

-l have things to say. -Yeah, about basil.

l know l'm not the most dynamic person.

My ass is more dynamic, okay?

You just be quiet. Let me do all the talking.

-That way, you ain't lying. -l'd feel more comfortable like that.

Monsieur Fielding!

How good it is to see you!

lt has been too long.

lt's been too long. Since he's eaten!

l'll move some people.

You a twin or something?

How nice to see you again!

May l take your hat?

How nice!

Mr. Fielding! Long time no see.

You can at least say hello.

-l don't want to lie, Eddie. -''Hello'' is not a lie.

You don't want to be around when l lie.

All hell breaks loose. Believe me, l become another person.

When l start to lie, even l don't know who l am.

Monsieur Fielding, how are you this evening?

Well, if l were Mr. Fielding...

...l guess you could say l was fine.

This way, sir.

May l bring the usual?

Two usuals. You know, we're expecting a friend.

A little old fat guy, kind of ugly. He owes us a lot of money.

l think he's at the bar.

Thank you.

Eddie, we have to get out of here. This is crazy.

You think l'm doing this for me? Don't make me laugh.

l'm doing it for Mom. You know, my mother.

Wish l had a picture to show you.

She's got what they call a heart thing.

The doctors, they call it a bum heart.

l was going to use the money that we get to get it fixed.

l'm sorry to hear that. l'd like to help you.

But you know, Eddie, l told you l mustn't lie.

Okay, forget l asked you. Just forget it!

You can send her flowers when she's in the hospital.

Nice note saying, ''Die, bitch.''

Abe, how are you? l didn't know you were bringing a friend.

l'm Al Sandrow.

So...

...not that it's any of my business, Abe...

...where's a guy like you disappear to for 5 months?

That's kind of a long story, Al.

l'm asking Abe.

Something wrong, Abe?

He's worried about my mother. Mama's at death's door.

Listen, shithead, nobody's talking to you, okay?

Eddie, Eddie.

l was just trying to tell you--

Don't tell me nothing. l'm asking Abe!

l don't like this. lt's not polite.

Maybe he can't talk about it, but l can.

Butt out, shithead! l'm talking to--

l don't like it when you call my friend a shithead.

lf you do it one more time, l'll cut your fucking balls off!

Which l'm very good at.

-Okay? -Yeah, sure, Abe.

Say ''okay.''

-You trying to tell me something? -No, no! Okay, Abe.

l don't want to be unreasonable.

l know you came to give us thousands of dollars--

Listen to me.

But!

Don't call my friend a shithead again, okay?

Now you can talk!

Shithead's okay.

Do you have any idea what this man has done for me?

lt was nothing.

Pulling me out of that explosion was nothing?

What explosion?

ln the lift at Lady Tushingham's.

Look at him. Look what it did to his brain.

Did you see that? Look at this.

Hello? Anybody home?

Don't worry, he's got a titanium plate in there.

When l hit him in the head, it actually feels good.

What the fuck?

Just don't call my friend a shithead again, okay?

-Okay with you, Al? -Okay with Al.

Maybe l had you pegged wrong, but don't ever call him....

l'm sorry. l didn't know.

So what happened in the lift?

What's a lift?

What happened in the lift?

Lady Tushingham, you mean? l'm glad you asked.

This is a wonderful story, Al.

l can't wait to tell you.

There we were, Eddie and me, in England, mind you...

...at this swellegant party--

--lords, ladies, everything--

--not far from Buckingham Palace.

And Lady Tushingham walks up to me, and she says:

''l challenge you to pull this finger.''

''l challenge you...

...to pull this finger.''

You say it.

''l challenge you to pull this finger.''

You're going to love this.

What are you going to do?

What do you figure? What could happen, right?

So l pull her finger.

She cuts one.

A rocket to Mars doesn't have this kind of thrust.

And her husband...

...was lighting his cigar next to her.

The place went crazy!

They weren't calling you shithead then.

Them?

They probably were. lf you want to call me shithead...

...and give me some money and say, ''Abe won this.

Here, shithead.'' You know, l'd say...

...''Thank you, Al.''

Where the hell have you been?

Where have l been? Where have you been?

That's the question.

Honey, Abe!

Oh, my God!

Hey, get your ass over here. Give me a wet one!

This is Fred and Ethel Mertz.

Sit down. Get a load off.

Bartender, some drinks over here for my friends.

-Were you expecting somebody else? -We were expecting you.

He wanted to start. l said, ''We're waiting till you guys arrive.''

So, what did we hear? That you were in South America?

El Salvador.

My God, what were you doing there?

Dropping live oxen from 30,000 feet...

...on the guerrilla forces.

Live oxen?

Why live oxen?

Because it hurts like hell when they land on you!

He was just kidding about...

...dropping oxen from 30,000 feet out of the plane.

Oh, sure.

As if you weren't with me in the cockpit when the missile went through.

l forgot.

lt slipped my mind.

l can never tell when you're serious.

l'm in a plane...

...with a dead pilot...

...and the cockpit thermometer says 30,000 feet...

...and you think l'm making jokes?

What's the matter with him?

ls he pulling my leg?

So what happened to Lady Tushingham?

Will you fuck Lady Tushingham?!

What's the matter with you? l'm telling you the real stuff!

40,000 feet. A terrorist burst through the door...

...put the gun to my head and he says....

How'd you like that, Al?

Holy shit!

Do you understand what l'm saying?!

Jesus!

What was l to do? Then they tore out their knives.

And started swearing--

We don't know what they're saying.

And Eddie says, ''Talk English.''

Good thing we didn't know the language.

''You don't talk English, we're going home.''

That really is an amazing story.

We talked about the money that Al owed Abe.

You know what l mean? Didn't we talk about that?

We were talking about all the money...

...that maybe Abe won gambling from this fat man.

l'm not the fat man like you're not the shithead, okay?

l'm not trying to offend, but l'm not a shithead.

But you're definitely pudgy. What?

Al's a little sensitive about his tummy.

lt's been 20 years since he had a tum--

Oh, my God!

lt's ruined.

Abe, it's your wife.

My what?

You're right.

lt's Elaine!

Eddie, l'm married.

Congratulations.

What am l going to do?

You son of a bitch!

Hello, darling.

You are not my husband.

l think l could explain--

You are an inconsiderate child.

You are an insect. You are a piece of dust.

How dare you humiliate me this way in front of our friends.

l'm very disappointed in you, Gail. You could've told me he was back.

l didn't even know he was gone.

Oh, like hell you didn't.

What have you got to say for yourself?

l missed you, dear.

-Come on. -Where are we going?

You've got some explaining to do.

The money!

You're the most beautiful woman l've ever seen.

l can't think of a single reason for us to stay together.

l can think of one darn good reason. How about the kids?

ls it fair to them to make them the innocent victims of this?

What kids?

We don't have kids?

Bear with me.

l'm a little-- l had a cocktail at the restaurant.

You are really starting to drive me crazy.

You are really starting to drive me crazy.

Honestly, l think you've made an awfully big mistake.

The big mistake was marrying you.

l mean a mistake that you think l'm someone else...

...than who l really am.

What you are is a lying bastard. Get your hand off my knee.

l don't think l lie that much anymore.

l lied a bit tonight, but l was under a lot of pressure.

Considering that this was my first night out.

Otherwise, l think l've made a lot of progress. l really do.

Just what did you catch this time?

l didn't catch anything.

You went fishing for 5 months and you didn't catch anything?

l guess l used the wrong bait.

Used the wrong bait? Will you please not insult my intelligence?

l happen to know you were with Angela Davenport the entire time.

Will you close the door, please?

And don't deny it.

Don't even try, because l got it right from the horse's mouth.

-You mean Angela told you? -No, Angela's husband told me.

Oh, gee.

What on earth have you got in that foolish-looking little bag?

My raincoat and rubbers.

He also told me when he found you...

...he would cut you up into infinitesimally small pieces.

Too bad he was bluffing.

l've been murdered.

Oh, my God.

Oh, little doggie.

Cute little doggie.

Nice doggie.

Yes, sit.

Be a good boy.

Nice doggie.

Sit! Be a good doggie.

l think something terrible may have happened.

What?

l have to-- l have to--

l'm honor breast, to tell you the tittie hooth.

Angela didn't forewarn you about her implants...

...did she?

Honest truth.

Did you find out in bed? Or did they rattle when you danced?

You know, it's very difficult for me to be honest with you...

...at a time like this.

Give it a whirl, Abe.

l like, l want to....

Want to say something to me?

Yes. l want to be completely honest and get this off your chest.

l mean, get this on your breast.

l mean, my breast.

-Get this off my chest. -Well, give it a try.

Give it your best shot. The truth, Abe. Let's hear it.

l am not your husband. l am a Volvo salesman.

You are really beginning to fray the edges of my patience.

l've never been to Yosemite.

Oh, man.

l'm landing in tall cotton. Hey, baby!

Holy shit, this is great!

They don't have this much acreage in the projects.

Oh, man!

Are you kidding me?

Holy shit!

Kiss my ass!

Coochie-coochie?

Come here, little puppy.

Come here. Suck your dick?

ls this 1 1 45 Stone Ranch?

Got some candy for you.

Goddamn it, you bit my--

Nice baby.

Good fellow.

Holy shit!

How you doing, Abe?

What, you eating breakfast?

Hey, another chair?

This yours?

You don't need this.

-l knew you'd find me. -Don't touch me, Abe.

-Just a little, let me hold your hand. -Don't touch me!

How did you find me?

You're in the phone book under Abe Fielding.

That was smart!

-Can l call you Abe? -You know my name is George.

George, right. Your name is George.

Yo, Abe. l mean, George.

-How many acres we got here? -None.

None? lt looks like more than that to me.

That's because you think l'm Abe Fielding, but l'm not.

l don't even know Abe Fielding.

But l think he was cut up into pieces by somebody's jealous husband.

What the hell you talking about?

You don't believe me. l'm not Abe Fielding.

You're at the Pearly Gates. Don't choose hell.

What will you say?

That l don't have a place to stay and l'm staying with you for a while.

Maybe you'll ask her for me.

Hello, dear.

Mrs. Honeybun.

Eddie wants to know if he can live with us for a while.

You know, just for a little while.

Till my mom gets better. Couple years, tops.

No? What do you mean, no?

Come on, Peaches.

Peaches?

Abe has something to say. Just hear him out.

All right.

What is it?

Eddie isn't who you think he is.

Who is he?

Did you ever hear of a prizefighter by the name of Joe Frazier?

You mean the ''Thriller from Manila''?

That's it.

The Thriller from Manila!

Right after that fight with Ali in the Philippines, Joe Frazier got malaria.

And he lost a lot of weight.

l mean, a lot of weight. He even shrunk a little bit.

Even after they got it under control...

...he thought if anyone ever saw him like that...

...his career as a prizefighter would be over.

No one would ever give him a shot at the title.

He decided he'd better change his name and his identity...

...till he could sort of work his way back into shape.

lt's been a rough road back, right, champ?

l'm not complaining.

l just want another crack at the title.

Save them. Save them, pal.

l'll help you, Joe. l mean...

...Eddie.

Sorry, champ. l won't slip again.

You know, Elaine...

...he's the best friend l got. He just needs a place where he can...

...lick his wounds for a while...

...and put about maybe 50, 60 pounds back on.

That is an amazing story.

l was very rude to you a minute ago. l'm awfully sorry.

l want you to stay. Really. Please do.

l feel so exposed.

Please, let me see if l can get the guest bedroom made up.

l'll be right back.

Shit, man!

Before l met you...

...the term ''bullshit artist'' was an empty phrase.

But working with you has made me a better liar.

You're just describing everything l don't want to be.

This is a Rolex. This is money.

Full of rings! My God!

What are you doing in here? You said you were...

...taking a walk. l was looking all over for you.

l was looking around in some of Fielding's stuff.

l was doing a little research, you know what l mean?

Like this pipe. You put this pipe in your mouth...

...and you'll feel like Fielding.

And a dash of his cologne.

Put on some of this.

Smell like Abe. Before you do the thing.

Before l do what thing?

The woman hasn't seen you in five months.

She's expecting something.

You got to give her what she expects.

A little padumph, padumph.

l can't do ''padumph.''

-That would be under false pretenses. -What false pretenses?

She thinks you're her husband. She'll turn the TV on.

What are you going to say to her?

Well, l'll say, ''Oh, gosh, Elaine.

-You look lovely tonight.'' -Hold it.

That's what Boy Scouts say on a trip, trying to sell cookies.

-l'm not going to be crude. -Nobody's talking crude.

l'm talking you be suave, debonair.

You got to be Cary Grant.

Cary Grant?

What, Cary Grant, on a date, he wants to do his thing and he says to her....

No, no. l hope not.

No! Cary Grant's smooth, debonair.

He says something like, ''Judy, Judy, Judy...

...you want to padumph, padumph?''

That's what he would say?

Either that or, ''You want to fuck?''

-This is your night. -l can't do it.

Let's see.

-l'm nervous. -This woman has a thing for you.

l saw it in her eyes.

Put some of this on. There you go.

Not bad, is it?

Look.

You go in there and you think ''Cary Grant.''

-Come on. -Judy, Judy.

Man couldn't get laid in a woman's prison with a pound of pot.

AII right, girIs. Now, this is your Iast chance.

If one piece of candy gets past you...

...and into the packing room unwrapped, you're fired!

-Let her roII! -What are you doing?

Judy, Judy.

Could l interest you in a little padumph, padumph?

Who are you talking to?

You.

l want to know if you'd like to have a little padumph.

Elaine, do you know how long it's been since l've done the thing?

Are you for real?

You--

Who could that be?

Look, Abe, there's a car coming up the driveway.

l don't know who else but you'd come barreling up at this hour.

My God. lt must be Abe.

Will you please not do that anymore?

l'm sorry. l mean it must be me.

Would you go see who it is? l'll be down in a minute.

There's someone at the front door.

So?

l'd like you to come with me.

What's this stuff?

This is stuff that l'm taking to get cleaned.

Yeah, looks pretty dirty.

l'd like you to answer it. Would you?

Hey, you're the maestro.

Well!

lf it ain't Mr. ''Finger on the Bell.''

How dare you! Open this door. Open it!

Just who the hell are you?

l demand to know, and l mean now, mister. Right now!

Who the hell are you?

Elaine, you all right?

l'm Abe Fielding's best friend, asshole.

You think you can come in and talk to me like l'm shit?

You wouldn't know Abe Fielding if you were talking to him.

Wait a minute. You Abe Fielding?

No, l'm not. Elaine!

My name is Rupert Dibbs. l run Abe Fielding's business.

Dibbsy!

Abe?

You old duffer! How's the boy?

My God, you're back!

Long time no see, pal.

l bet you thought that was Fielding for a while.

lt's kind of dark in here.

You know how l knew it wasn't Abe Fielding?

Because l'm Abe Fielding!

Remember?

-How you doing, you old duffer? -Fine!

Hey, Dibbsy.

-Give me a wet one. -A what?

Come on, come on!

-Have you lost your mind? -Look at that tie.

Not even a phone call in 5 months.

l'm not saying you didn't deserve--

Everybody deserves a vacation.

No lectures, no lectures.

But how am l supposed to run a business--

-Brandy still your drink? -l don't drink.

Still can't get him to drink.

-This is my best friend, Eddie. -Elaine!

-No, Eddie. -Rupert.

-What are you doing here? -l have some papers...

...that need power of attorney. But you can sign them.

l just need your signature.

-You want my ''Fielding''? -Sure.

-You bet! -l want it right there, and there.

How are you fixed for cash?

We're a little short.

-We? -We got some things to do downtown.

l understand.

There you go. l think that should take care of it.

Abe, why don't you tell him about the credit cards you lost?

-l don't know what l did with them. -This should take care of that.

Look at that! Dibbsy to the rescue.

Just like the old days. What a guy!

Looking in the pink.

-That's my color, pal. -You back for a while?

You better ask the little lady about that.

Going to be sticking around for a while.

Credit cards. Money!

Pussy!

-You bet your boots. -Elaine, you look great.

l'll see you soon, Abe.

-Welcome home. -Nice to see you again.

lt was a pleasure. Maybe l'll see you again.

You can bank on it.

Who is that bum? Why don't you get rid of him?

You know, Dibbsy, you're my business manager...

...and l respect you for that...

...but don't ever call my friend a shithead again!

l said no such thi--

Okay?

Okay, good night.

See you soon.

Hey, Dibbsy!

-Ready to turn in, sweetheart? -That was so rude!

What do you mean?

l can't believe you'd talk to Rupert that way.

-After everything he's done for you! -l didn't mean to be rude.

-l was just-- -Stop. Don't try and explain.

l'm going to bed alone.

What?

Can l say just one thing to you?

-What? -Goodbye forever, dear.

-Where are you going? -l can't stay in this house.

l mustn't be here alone with you.

What's the problem? Eddie's coming back.

-Look at me! -l can't.

lf l do, l'm a goner. l'll never leave.

You remind me of a girl l was in love with.

l thought l was in love till l met you.

l got her to love me by lying, and l must not!

-l mustn't do that again! -Look at me!

-Are you leaving me? -l'm not Abe!

l'm not married to you! l'm George!

l'm a Volvo salesman for Horst Mueller!

Look at me!

-Taxi! -Wait, wait.

Just give me a kiss goodbye.

-A kiss? -One little kiss.

Taxi!

George, if what you say is true, l find that admirable.

You were honest with her.

You left the woman you loved rather than lie to her.

How do you feel?

Who took my red?

l'm asking you--

l'll answer you, but who took my red?

l can't believe l had the red at the exact moment that you wanted it.

l should be stripped...

...and have scalding soup ladled over my genitals by Dolly Parton.

Philip, put a clam on it, will you?

Sorry.

George, how does it feel to be an honest person?

Where's my green?

Did you pump up your mickey before you showed it to her?

Who has the green?

Sometimes a patient's first day away from the clinic can be stressful.

ls it possible there was no Mrs. Fielding?

Wait a minute!

Maybe he is Abe Fielding, and he was lying to us about that too.

What do you think?

Just a theory.

Poor Mrs. Fielding.

l bet she's crying her eyes out.

That's enough. Stop it!

l'm not saying that you don't have some limited acting ability.

Limited acting ability? Listen, bud, these are real tears here.

When l hired you, you told me you were a professional actress.

l am! Sort of.

All right, l'm basically a vocalist, but l am studying acting.

l'm told by my teacher that l'm remarkably naturalistic.

That's not quite what you told me two Abe Fieldings ago, is it?

Excuse me, they both believed l was Mrs. Abe Fielding.

And let me also add this. l think that my accent was impeccable.

Despite your impeccable accent, they both chose to leave.

That's not my fault.

You can't take any nut and convince him he's Abe Fielding.

That was not the job!

l don't care if they think they are Abe Fielding.

The job was simply to entice him.

To make them want to be Abe Fielding. But they're running from you.

l will not be handled.

l told you that when l took the job.

And if that's changed, l don't want the job anyway.

Well, that is just fine!

Give my regards to the unemployment office...

...Miss Mimi Kravitz, ''professional actress.''

You'll be spending a lot of time there.

You've got an unerring instinct for the jugular.

l'd like that last Fielding back.

The liar.

The liar is perfect.

Not him. Come on, l felt kind of sorry for that guy.

Why on earth would you feel sorry for him?

Nothing bad will happen to him. Would you like a cappuccino?

All right. But not that poor chump.

l think he was a little soft on me.

Why wouldn't he be soft on you?

You're a beautiful girl.

Sit down.

What say you take another crack at that role?

He won't come back without his friend.

Don't worry about him.

His friend is mine for bail money.

He's in jail?

l had him arrested.

The schmuck stole Abe's credit cards.

Bail money? You want me to work your rinky-dink scam for bail money?

Bail money? You want me to work your rinky-dink scam for bail money?

No one is trying to get you to run anything.

l just want you to bring your friend back for one week.

Unless you want to stay in here, l suggest you do as l ask.

Tell me, is this a sink or a toilet?

Stick your head in and find out.

Let me explain something. l don't work with amateurs.

Like singers and actors.

There's only one singer involved, and that's Mimi Kravitz.

The rest of these people happen to be damn fine actors.

l cast them myself.

That's Jerome Handy as ''Al the Bookie.''

Did you see his Man of La Mancha last season at the Pasadena Playhouse?

l'm afraid l missed that.

lt was super.

You've never run a professional scam in your life, have you?

No, of course not. l'm a legitimate businessman.

l run Abe's business.

l thought so.

A professional would never use amateurs.

They crack out of turn.

l don't know what that means.

lt means that l'm a professional con man.

This is what l do for a living.

What you got here is not a professional con.

What l got here...

...is $1 0,000.

And it's for you if you just bring your friend back for one week.

You have to tell me more.

l will, in due time--

Excuse me!

Oh, please!

Just take five grand now as a down payment, okay?

l don't usually work with amateurs.

But you've caught me at the right time.

-Wish me luck! -Wait a minute.

What?

Nothing. l've just got to pave the way for you.

-What do you mean? -l talked to a psychiatrist.

You've got to take it slow and easy with this ''George'' shit.

She still thinks you're Abe.

All right? She's in denial.

She's got what they call, medically speaking, a bum head.

Oh, dear!

After l talk to her, you can come up and do your stuff, okay?

Don't be long.

Am l interrupting?

lt's the ''Thriller from Manila!''

That's me.

Fourteen rounds, you know.

l was scared to go fifteen.

Did Dibbs tell you l'm in?

Yes, he told me.

Zeppo, could you leave us for a minute?

Yeah, l'll take over from here.

What do you want?

To tell you l think the guy's in love with you.

He's downstairs.

Hey, Duane, give the man a break!

Come on.

l'll let you hump my leg. Come on, baby.

lt's all right. You can come out now.

Good boy!

Guess who's here?

Honey!

l'm home!

And l'm ready for love!

Honey, it's me.

Remember me from in the car downstairs a little while ago?

l made a joke, Eddie. Am l interrupting something?

No, we're just talking and-- Never mind.

You two keep talking. Get together.

-See you later. -You're damn right.

So, long time no see.

What are you doing here?

l brought you some candy and some flowers...

...and to tell you that you and l had something.

l saw it in your eyes, and Eddie saw it too.

Don't deny it.

What are you saying? That you'd like to stay?

Would l like to stay here with you?

Are you kidding?

lf l could stay here with you, l'd climb--

l would swim--

l would make myself into a--

l would stay forever if you'd let me.

Let's just see if we can get along, okay, doll?

For a week or so.

l want much more than that. l want to know all about you.

l'd like you to know all about me too.

We might just find out we have a lot in common.

What could we have in common?

-l love basil. You like basil? -lt doesn't sweep me off my feet.

My favorite color's brown.

l get Reader's Digest. l love yodeling.

My favorite food is Wiener schnitzel.

Do you like Wiener schnitzel?

You do!

l hit a bone! l hit a nerve!

l hit something. l can see it in your eyes.

l'm going to win you over. l'm going to romance you.

l'll wine you and l'll dine you.

One day, you're going to feel about me the way l feel about you.

You look really familiar.

How you doing, legs?

The name is Gloria...

...not ''legs.''

You!

l've been dreaming about you.

Why are you here?

l'm here to see Dibbs. l got an important appointment.

Yeah, right.

This report--

How's the boy?

l'm glad you could make it. This can wait.

Ever been to a brewery before?

How about a little tour?

That'd be great. Listen, you busy Saturday night?

Maybe, maybe not.

That's nice. l like that.

l'll see you Saturday night, okay?

-You paying? -That's cute.

Fine thing.

When Abe Fielding, Sr., died, everyone assumed l'd inherit the brewery.

lt turns out he has a son.

-Can we talk about Gloria? -Later.

So as l was saying...

...we finally track down this Abe Jr. 1 0 minutes after...

...an ugly accident during a Dance of Death.

The guy had gone off to Tibet.

-Could we talk about Gloria? -Do you mind?

Anyway, the only way to keep the estate out of probate...

...was to convince someone to be Abe Jr.

We found George in the loony bin. A liar. Get it?

We doctored up a photo, hired a couple of actors, and here we are.

Does she always look that good?

Sorry, I think I'II find out for myseIf Saturday night.

Maybe we could go and do a little padumph.

-Padumph? -Yeah.

-l've done that before. -l think you'll enjoy it.

See that guy over there?

He's one of the best sax players l've ever heard.

What's his name?

Eddie Dash, right?

Yeah, amazing.

Ladies and gentlemen...

...we have someone very special here tonight.

One of the greatest sax players around.

The one and only Mr. Eddie Dash!

They got the wrong--

Come on, man.

Oh, God, no!

Just go.

Just go?

What will it be?

lt really doesn't matter.

The guy's a pro.

lt's interpretation.

Everybody!

Oh, my God.

You know a lot of people here.

l used to come here all the time.

This is us, honey.

This is your table.

Would you excuse me for a minute?

Here's the music.

Good evening, honey.

You know...

...as we look towards the east...

...and see a united DeutschIand...

...it behooves us to stop and think...

...about what walls can do.

Walls between nations.

Walls between peoples.

Walls between you and me, Elaine.

But if that darned wall in Berlin town can come down...

...then maybe it's not too much to expect...

...the wall between us to come down too.

Who knows?

Maybe it just takes a dance.

Or a glance.

Or a chance...

...to sing a song.

l call this...

...''Yodelaine.''

Get off the stage!

Yo-deI...

...EIaine

My heart's afIame

YodeIaine

I'm not insane

YodeIaine

You screwed my brain

My EIaine

I Iove you

Oh, my God!

lt's Mimi Kravitz!

Don't tell anybody about this.

I'm in the mood for Iove

Damn!

Hey, what are you doing up there?

l know you're in the swing of things...

...but we got business to take care of.

What business?

We got to check him into the dentist as Abe Fielding.

-Why? -Dibbs wants to see his dental charts.

Mr. Fielding?

Mr. Fielding?

Are you still feeling the effects?

Can you say something, Mr. Fielding?

Don't call...

...my friend a shithead.

Of course he has.

Well, okay.

Now, Mr. Fielding...

...you just have one cavity.

So all you will hear is the sound of the drill.

Tragic.

Were there any survivors?

No one. The thing blew up!

How awful.

Says here that the bodies were charred beyond recognition.

Oh, my God!

At least they'll know who they're burying.

How will they know?

From the dental records. They'll check the dental records.

Oh, yeah, you're right.

Abe Fielding. What cubicle is he in?

-Who? -You don't know him?

lt's not what you think.

Then why does Dibbs want the dental charts?

l'll make a deal with George.

He'll hang out till the end of the week, and then l get my money.

But getting killed was not part of the deal.

Dibbs would never kill anyone. lt's not in him.

Excuse me.

Sweetheart, we're getting out of here.

We got to go.

Dibbs wants you dead, all right?

Get this. Listen carefully.

He wants you dead...

...so he can bury you as Fielding and inherit the company.

You must all leave!

No, she leaves...

...l leave, he stays.

No, no. l leave, you leave, he leaves.

No, he must stay!

He has a cavity.

You leave!

Show us the cavity.

Oh, you got a rise, Mr. Fielding!

Ride 'em, cowboy!

Of all the gall!

Did l ever say that anything bad was going to happen to him?

You never said it to me. He never said it to me.

Why did we take him to all those doctors and dentists?

Wait a minute.

lt was to establish that he was Abe Fielding, right?

Yes, that is right. And that is because...

...there are certain financial transactions l can't make...

-...unless Abe Fielding is alive. -He's right.

l want to tell you something.

Quite frankly, l expected...

...more support out of you, more gratitude.

For the money l'm paying, l could've hired a real actress.

That's it. That's the button.

You pushed it. l'm out of here! Sayonara!

-l'm going back to my old job. -What's that?

Yodeling in a hillbilly nightclub? Just what does that pay?

The man is just trying to reassure you.

By the way...

...what business is it of yours what happens to him?

l'm making it my business, okay?

Have we fallen in love with the lunatic?

No, the lady's not in love with him.

She don't want to get involved in a murder rap thing.

Murder.

Wait for me in the car.

You got his guarantee that there ain't going to be no hit.

There better not be.

Actresses, you know.

Can't live with them and can't kill them.

Everything's okay, right?

l mean, it looks cool to me.

Well, not quite.

Sit down.

There's one more thing l need you to do.

-Yeah, what? -l need you to dispose of the lunatic.

lce George?

l need Abe Fielding dead and buried.

lce George.

Now, please. Don't tell me that you're above this sort of thing.

l never iced anyone in my life. l'm a con man, not a hit man.

l think you have two qualities that are--

Don't touch me.

First, you love money.

And second...

...you have absolutely no moral character. What do you say?

-How much money we talking? -Name your price.

Look, Eddie.

Write down any figure you consider reasonable.

l'll pay you that amount in cash. Go on, knock yourself out.

Come on, we got to go. We're late.

l want to kiss her goodbye.

-She can't know about this. -l won't wake her. Just one kiss.

Look at that face. lsn't she cute?

Don't wake her up.

-Let's go. -What's that?

-This is your gun. -l could never shoot--

Holy shit!

What happened? You all right?

Sorry, honey.

Fucking lunatic!

-I've never been in the woods before. -What?

The woods! I've never been in the woods before.

The most important thing you need to know is, if you see...

...anything that Iooks Iike poison ivy, don't wipe your ass with it.

You old duck hunter!

-How's it going? -Fine. You?

Wouldn't miss it for the world!

Damn ducks! What the hell we need those ducks for?

What a day to kill a duck.

Maybe after the hunt we can shoot billiards.

What do you say? Here.

l picked this out for you myself.

This is your hunting jacket.

That is great!

-Thanks, Dibbsy. -lt looks wonderful.

You know who you look like?

Ernest Hemingway.

-Honest? -Doesn't he?

Look, l hate to rush.

Something unexpected came up. l can't go with you.

-Why not? -Business. That's life.

Emergency at the plant.

The ducks won't wait. They don't care about business.

Come on. Let's go.

Did you shoot all these yourself?

You did. And all the Fieldings before you.

-Ducks for dinner tonight! -Happy hunting!

Wait in the truck. l got to go to the bathroom.

-Happy hunting! -l got to talk to you.

You were supposed to come with us. What the fuck's going on?

Relax, will you? Just get him in the duck blind.

Blast a couple of ducks...

...and then you yell, ''Look out!

There's a bear! Run for your life!'' Then you blast him.

There are no bears in a duck blind.

lt doesn't matter if there are bears or not!

Just yell, ''There's a bear!'' lt'll all be over before he knows it.

l want the other half of my money...

...before people find out we're not burying Fielding.

There's no chance of that.

l have all the documents l need to prove...

...that he is Abe Fielding.

You don't have to worry about it.

Come on!

This is a nice jacket he gave me.

lt must've cost him a pretty penny.

You got to put the collar up. You got to be cool.

How do you mean?

Classy. l like that.

-CooI? -CooI.

CooI, man. Like you?

I Iook Iike Eddie.

-Very nice. -Ducks!

Not now.

Take it easy.

Easy.

Keep flying! Go home! There's people down here with guns!

Get out of here!

Go back to your families! Get out!

Get out! Get out!

Why'd you do that?

To keep an innocent creature from being killed.

To save you from a lifetime of heartache and guilt.

-They're just ducks! -They're not just ducks!

They're alive! They're like you and me!

They're not like you and me.

They fly around and they shit on people.

Be kind to your web-footed friends

Cause a duck couId be--

Could you freeze on the ''web-footed friends'' shit?

Sorry, l couldn't help think about those poor ducks.

-What was that? -What was what?

l heard something.

-Bird? -lt was a bear!

A bear!

Where?

l'm going to get it.

Do you see it?

-No, but it's a bear. -Where is it now?

-lt's a brown bear. -A big brown bear?

You were right.

l see it.

You put one of these....

Oh, my God.

He's huge!

He's a great giant bear!

Don't worry.

Don't worry.

Sit.

Sit, baby.

He's going to rip off your dick!

Hello there.

Say, you're...

...a big fellow, aren't you?

lf you understand what l'm saying...

...raise your left hand. Good.

Now both of them. Very good!

What the fuck are you doing?

We want to express...

...love for you.

Eddie and l come in peace.

Well, l see what you mean. You make a good point.

We saw your friends mounted on the wall at the lodge we just came from.

Tell you the truth...

...Eddie and l found it disgusting. Didn't we?

Get the fuck out of the way!

l'm going to shoot it!

Don't shoot.

Don't shoot!

Well, kids...

...it's time to ring down the curtain on this little production of ours.

l think we made a hit, don't you?

Leticia, l prophesy a big career for you. l mean that.

The memorial service will be in the Fielding chapel...

...which is just adjoining the brewery.

Brewery!

l will be expecting the three of you to attend.

Just think of it as a curtain call.

So you're saying that we're burying him...

...as Fielding, even though he wasn't Fielding.

Yes, l feel it's the least we can do.

You know, the poor guy had no family, no friends.

lt's a terrible tragedy, but accidents happen.

Don't they, Eddie?

lt was an accident.

Of course it was.

No one is saying it wasn't. Nobody blames you.

How do we play this?

Like we knew him as Abe?

Of course, Jerome. That's the whole point, isn't it?

Play it sad, but not morose.

Upset, but, please, no tears.

Poor guy. l feel awful.

Well, you use that, Eleanor.

Save it for later and use it. That's called ''method acting.''

Look, everybody, l just want to express my gratitude...

...to a very talented ensemble...

...of thespians. Bravo! Bravissimo!

For Pete's sake! lf we knew you were Abe...

...we might have been able to help you!

Now, that is a beautiful suit.

And that tie matches perfectly. But you need a handkerchief.

-Can l get a handkerchief? -Enough is enough!

Sit down in the pew, shut up and be good.

l always said you were full of shit.

We hardly knew you.

We knew your dad, though.

Many of us remember putting to rest...

...rather, preserving the great man right here, not so long ago.

And now father and son can freeze in peace together.

Abe's best friend, Mr. Eddie Dash, is here.

He's going to say a few words.

Eddie, come and say a few words.

-Mr. Dibbs? -What?

There's an extremely urgent phone call for you.

Hey, hands off!

Abe was a nice man.

Yes, he was. Good man, Abe.

He liked basil.

He loved basil.

He used to say basil was a herb whose time had come.

Unfortunately, Abe...

...it was you whose time had come.

We used to smoke basil together.

And you know, we'd get a natural high.

Smoked a lot too.

And he loved to yodel. Yodeling and magic...

...that was his thing.

He always said if he could combine the two...

...he would yodel from his grave. l know that's impossible.

lt's a miracle!

Hi, everybody.

l'm very touched that you all came to my funeral.

l know this must be a--

Honey!

What happened? What's the matter, sweetheart?

What the hell is going on?

-You tell me. -Did we rehearse this scene?

What are you doing?

Have you completely lost your tiny mind?

-You forget, we're playing my game now. -Really?

l've got news for you. l'm the one holding all the cards.

l can prove you're a murderer.

l've got the whole ugly business on tape.

Au contraire. There was no murder.

But there was a conspiracy to murder, which l have on tape.

Honey, can you hear me?

-Everything's going to be all right. -Eddie shot you.

That was part of the plan. He was supposed to tell you.

We worked it out on the way to the lodge.

This is our first meeting... our second meeting....

Here's something for you. Johnny Mathis.

To help you make it through the night.

And this file...

...proves that my man is Abe Fielding.

Your man is dead!

Wrong again, Dibbsy.

What does that mean? What does ''bogazine'' mean?

We got to get out of here!

But l saw him lying in the morgue!

Eddie's got connections.

The morgue attendant owed him a favor. Right?

That's right.

Hello, everybody.

l know you must be confused about what's going on.

The important thing is that l'm back at the brewery...

...and you're all in for a five-percent raise.

Don't listen. He's full of shit!

You all right?

Get me up!

Get me up right now!

You can't say we didn't try.

Cut him loose.

That man is an impostor!

Cut me out of this!

He's not Abe Fielding.

l knew Abe Fielding. Abe Fielding was a friend of mine.

And this man is not Abe Fielding.

But, Mr. Dibbs, you just eulogized him. You said:

-...''Abe, we hardly knew you--'' -Shut up. Sit down.

You! You!

Did you or did you not treat this man in your lunatic asylum?

Sanitarium! You told us he was Abe Fielding.

Right, but he's not!

l challenge anyone to say that he's Abe Fielding.

He's Abe Fielding! l've been his bookie for years.

Shut up!

He's one of our best friends. lsn't that right, honey?

-Not now, you idiot! -Wait.

l don't remember this scene.

Ladies and gentlemen, these people are merely actors.

Merely actors?

And not very good ones at that.

They're playing roles. They're being paid.

Point of order!

Help.

Ronald Reagan was merely an actor!

All right. Fine!

Are you the Equity deputy?

l don't know what to say.

l feel like such a fool. l'm sorry. l am.

l lost, you won.

Come on!

Let's bury the hatchet over a stein of Fielding in my-- your office.

-No, l don't-- -Don't be a spoilsport!

-We don't have time. -Abe or George, whatever....

Listen, George--

Run! Run!

He's going to kill him!

Bring the casket down here quick!

Come on, this way!

Onward!

This is my brewery.

l earned it! You wanted to be in beer?

Welcome to the business.

Dibbsy, l won't tell the police you tried to kill me!

The name is Mr. Dibbs!

Help!

Eddie, l'm down here!

Oh, God!

Get the valve!

Will somebody please tell me what's going on?

Boy, that was good beer!

Oh, honey!

Where's Dibbsy?

Guard!

Get him out.

He's not Fielding.

He's a liar. The man's a liar.

lf you lie about this, you'll be lying for the rest of your life!

Liar!

lf l don't tell the truth right now, will you ever believe me again?

l love you, George.

Walk like a man, George.

Don't do anything stupid!

We're pissing in tall cotton.

Sorry, everybody.

l want to tell you something.

Mr. Dibbs was telling the truth a little while ago.

l am a pathological liar.

l spent the last three years of my life in a sanitarium.

Shit, l'm broke.

l'm a Volvo dealer, and my name happens to be George.

-This Fielding's a beaut. -George. Get used to George.

George Washington, as a matter of fact.

Hey, everybody! Take the rest of the day off.

And forget about that five-percent raise when you come back.

lt'll be a ten-percent raise.

Stop fucking around! Okay, smile.

A little more. Great!

Can l have that card?

Thank you. And l need your lipstick.

l don't want to take a picture with no lipstick!

You'll like this one.

l don't want no lipstick.

They'll put me in a magazine. They'll take pictures.

Hey, what are you doing?

l don't like to be touched!

Just keep your hands off!

What's wrong with you?

Don't ever caII my friend a shithead again, okay?