Original subtitles

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(ROARS)

(CHAINS RATTLING)

(DOOR BUZZING)

Where do you want to begin?

MIKE: Dustpan...

Spoon...

Noodles...

Bear...

Frying pan...

Fire. Apollo Ape. "Marry Me."

Where did it all begin?

(INDISTINCT VOICES)

MIKE: Okay, it started three days ago.

In the town of Liman, West Virginia.

It's where I lived with my girlfriend, Phoebe.

She is the only good thing that's ever happened to me.

I honestly cannot even remember my life before her.

- (BLOWS RASPBERRY) - (GIGGLES)

We were the perfect fucked-up couple.

She was perfect, and I was the fuck-up.

And we were really, really happy.

And I wanted to make it forever,

so I saved up for the perfect ring.

And I planned the perfect romantic trip to surprise her.

And then I fucked that up, too.

WOMAN: (ON P.A.) This is the final boarding call

for Flight 1204,

departing for Oahu, Hawaii.

I repeat,

this is the final boarding call for Flight 1204,

- departing for Oahu, Hawaii. - (TAPPING)

Now boarding all rows and all zones.

All passengers should be onboard at this time.

(RETCHES)

(COUGHS)

God damn it, Mike, come on.

All passengers please proceed to the gate.

I really am sorry, Phoebe.

I really thought I could beat the panic attacks this time.

It's okay.

- It's not. - No, it's fine.

No, it's not fine.

This is something I really wanted to do for you.

Then I ruined it and now we're going back home.

- You didn't ruin this. - Yes, I did. It's my fault.

You should be mad at me...

- No. - Why not?

- You can't help it, Mike... - Okay. Thanks.

- (POLICE SIREN WAILING) - Oh, shit.

Jesus.

Are you holding?

No, of course not. We were going on a plane.

Why would I...

You holding?

Yeah. Sorry.

(EXHALES)

- Hi, Phoebe. - Hey.

- Hi, Mike. - Hey.

Heard you two were going on vacation.

Hawaii.

Get another one of your little episodes there, Mike?

You know, Phoebe.

I once had to drive your boy home

'cause he was having one of them

panic attacks up on the freeway,

trying to leave town.

Is there a reason that you pulled us over?

Hey, easy on the tone, Miss Larson.

I'd hate to have to search this car.

It's getting to the point where your boyfriend

should start leaving a toothbrush

at the overnight down at the station.

Ain't that right, Mike?

That's right, Sheriff Watts.

Well, just wanted to welcome you back to town.

(ENGINE STARTS)

I'll get the bags.

(SIZZLING)

Hey, Phoebe, do you want an omelet?

(HAWAIIAN SONG PLAYING)

This could be the right moment.

PHOEBE: Hey, Mikey?

(SIZZLING)

- Is this okay? I think this... - (FIRE ALARM BEEPING)

- Ow! - (CLANGING)

Oh!

(PHOEBE GRUNTING)

What the fuck!

Oh, Phoebe, oh, no, I'm sorry.

Oh, did you burn your hand?

Just let me do the cooking, okay?

- I will. I'm sorry. - Stop apologizing.

Okay.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)

Apollo Ape...

Pow!

I got you.

No, what do you think you're doing?

Hey, honey, no, I just wanted to tell you

I had, like, a really funny idea for Apollo Ape.

PHOEBE: (CHUCKLES) That's cool, what is it?

(MIKE COUGHING)

How the fuck am I supposed to read this?

- (SIGHS) - (TAPPING ON GLASS)

Hey. Hello there.

You're here late, Lasseter.

You're not my assistant anymore, Petey.

What are you doing down here?

I know, I just miss ya.

Oh, come on, you're not at the big desk anymore,

you can let a few things slide.

Enough, Agent Douglas.

Oh, okay, I'm leaving. Do you need anything

- before I... - (PHONE RINGING)

(BEEPING)

Lasseter.

MAN: (DISTORTED VOICE) The Ultra Program Toughguy

is active.

Wiseman asset Howell is the target.

What?

He'll be eliminated within 24 hours.

This is American soil, they can't do that.

We promised to protect him. Who is it? Yates?

The operation is in progress.

You're being informed as a courtesy.

Who is this?

Do not interfere. Have a nice evening.

So Apollo Ape and Chip the Brick are, like,

"Hey, what the heck happened?" You know?

And then they find out

that Spicy Tomato was in charge of the resistance.

Okay, but what they didn't find out,

which they'll find out in the next book,

is that Fido Astro is also in on it.

Oh, no. Dude.

I know.

I feel so betrayed.

Do you get it? It's because

he's man's best friend, not monkey's best friend.

Of course. I mean, in hindsight

it makes total sense to me. It's just that...

He's a dog.

You should write it down, I'm telling you.

I don't know, I mean, I really just like thinking about it

and like talking about it.

Apollo Ape and his adventures.

No, I love when you talk about it.

I think other people would love it, too.

Like, even...

Like they might love to read it

if you wrote it down, seriously.

(SIREN BLARING)

Do something really real with it.

MIKE: You know what skives me out, Pheebs?

What?

That car down there has moved so much.

Like it was built in a factory,

on a production line.

And then it was like shipped, like, here.

And then, like, this guy drove it all over the place.

Yeah, exactly.

But all that time, like for years,

or really for, like, decades really,

this one tree has been sitting in this one place

not doing anything until tonight,

when it, like, stopped the car.

Yeah?

Okay, so this car is always going.

And that tree is always just, like, stopping. You know?

Like, it's been stopping there for years

until tonight when it met something

that it didn't want to keep going,

and it was like, "Mmm-mmm. No."

"You're stopping, too."

And then this tree that has never done anything,

is fucking, like...

(VOICE BREAKING) Like, destroying this beautiful...

Like, really beautiful and fast-moving thing.

Why? Why are you crying?

Because, Phoebe, like...

Am I that tree?

No.

No.

I think I'm that tree. And I think...

I think you're the car. And I think I'm stopping you.

- You are not the tree. - Okay.

I love you.

Phoebe, I really am sorry about Hawaii.

It's okay, honestly.

I totally over-reacted. I was really upset.

It's not going to be like this always, you know.

Mike, you're like...

the strongest, kindest person

I've ever met in my whole life.

I fucking love you.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

- You're a fucking mess, man. - I know.

- Yates! - Oh, for Christ's sake.

Yes, Victoria?

I need to speak with you right now.

Okay, I guess we were pretty much done here.

Thanks, guys.

Stop avoiding me.

I've got word that Toughguy is moving in

on my old Wiseman asset. What is Toughguy?

- And where did you hear that? - Is it true?

It doesn't concern you. Okay?

Wiseman was my baby.

Yeah, and it's still-born. So, what are you crying about?

So you're coming after my still-born baby?

Let's finish this in my office.

I don't understand why you're so upset here.

Aren't you the one who shut down the program?

Yeah, because it was a flawed model.

Because we were hurting people.

I didn't expect your yuppie ass to come riding in

on a vulture and pick at the bones of my operation.

I was made supervisor fair and square.

You were made a temporary supervisor

because you kissed the right asses.

Because I'm the right man for the job.

According to who? Daffy Duck?

(CHUCKLES)

Daffy Duck...

Well, I guess I'm doing something right

because I've had the job for about two years.

(GROANS) Yeah, it should have been two months.

You're supposed to protect these assets. Not kill them!

Victoria, we're clearing the portfolio.

What?

Mike Howell keeps trying to leave town.

He needs to be eliminated.

You're going to kill him for trying to leave town?

That's a security breach. I'm just doing my job.

He's a human being.

- They're assets. - He's an American citizen.

They're government property.

Are you actually fucking insane?

Oh, language.

Listen to me, King Idiot!

If you think I'm just going to sit back...

No, you listen to me, you snipey overbearing bitch!

Howell dies today!

Yeah. And you can't do shit. What are you going to do?

Huh? You going to go over me?

You're my fucking dog here, okay?

Sit. Stay. Behave.

Now get the fuck out of my fucking office!

(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)

(MIKE COUGHING)

Mike, what's happening?

Oh. Um...

Nothing. Just, uh, something. I have to go to work.

Isn't it early?

Yeah. Yeah. But, um, they needed me to do a thing.

What thing?

Groceries.

I love you.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(ENGINE REVVING)

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

(MUSIC STOPS)

- Rose. - ROSE: What's up?

- How's it goin', man? - How you doin', baby?

What's up!

I really appreciate you doing this for me, man.

Come on, man. Come on, baby, you know I got you, right?

- Okay. - I got you.

You're my nigga-nigga-noga. You know that shit, right?

All right. Yeah.

All right, right. Now go open up your trunk.

- Oh, okay, all right. - It's all cool.

Casual like, no big D.

Stay chill.

You ready? Come on, come on, come on.

All right.

Yo', this is more illegal than the shit

you usually get, know what I mean?

- Yeah. - Feel me?

This is some fucking powerful fireworks, man.

This gonna light up the sky for ya bitch.

Oh, Rose.

Phoebe is going to love this.

This is perfect, Rose, this is so perfect. Oh, man.

I'm tellin' ya, this is some serious

proposal-engagement- wedding-type

life changing shit you're doin'.

- You know what I'm sayin'? - That's the plan.

Yo' you're a sensitive nigga, bitch.

Well I love her.

You got to give it all when you love like that, you know?

Yeah, exactly. Comes once a life, right?

Oh, serious. Yeah, yeah.

- All right, thanks, man. - Oh, you goin'?

- Yeah. - Where you goin'?

Gotta drop those off and I gotta go to work.

Wanna drop some acid and go inside the titty bar?

Nah, that's okay. It's 8:15 in the morning, Rose.

- Thank you, Nancy. - Thank you, Mike.

MIKE: Bye.

(BELL CLANGING)

Chariot Progressive. Listen.

Mandelbrot set is in motion.

Echo Choir has been breached, we are fielding the ball.

Is that a lyric from something?

Fuck.

No. Chariot Progressive. Listen.

Okay.

- Mandelbrot set is in motion. - Yeah.

Ma'am, are you going to get something?

Chariot Progressive, Mike.

Lady, could you please, like, stop it with...

Chariot Progressive.

- Are you okay? - Listen.

Mandelbrot set is in motion.

Echo Choir has been breached.

We are fielding the ball.

Chariot Progressive. Chariot Progressive.

Listen, Mike. You're not listening...

Listen. Chariot Progressive!

Chariot Progressive.

Chariot Progressive is in motion.

Motion...

(DISTORTED VOICE)

(SNICKERS)

Mike. Please listen to me.

All right, lady, enough with that stuff, okay?

You're in danger. You have to listen to me.

I've got to close up soon. So...

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

About all of this. I'm sorry, Mike. I tried.

It's cool.

(BELL CLANGING)

Do you want your soup?

(STEAM HISSING)

Hey, stop doing shit to my car.

- (HISSING) - (SCREAMS)

(CHOKING)

(GUN CLATTERS)

(CELL PHONE BUZZING)

- Hey, babes, what's up? - MIKE: Hey.

I just killed two people...

Two... Two gentlemen.

(LAUGHS) That's awesome. Why?

No, these two guys were trying to, like,

break into my car at work and they had guns

and knives and they were, like, being total dicks

and they just attacked me.

Shit, babe, you got mugged?

Then I took, like, a spoon

and I just like, mmm...

I, like, shoved it through this guy.

- Did you call the police? - No, I didn't call the police.

'Cause I'm the killer... I'm the murderer.

I also have, like...

I have, like, a lot of weed and mushrooms in my car.

I just killed two dudes in a parking lot, okay,

and Phoebe, if you don't come here right now,

I'm gonna start like pissing in my pants.

I swear to God, Phoebe, I'm just gonna

start like pissing.

PHOEBE: How did this happen?

How the fuck did this happen?

I shot those guys in the head.

And that guy, I, like, I spooned him in the neck

and his shit just, like, ended.

You just killed two guys?

They were trying to, like, stab me, Phoebe.

Why are people trying to stab you?

I don't know! Shh!

I don't know, but I am...

I am, like, freaking out all over the place.

Babe, I have, like, a lot of anxiety about this.

- (SIREN WAILING) - Get your hands in the air.

PHOEBE: Oh, fuck me! Yup.

WATTS: Oh, God, it's Mike.

- I'm sorry! - Drop it.

YATES: What do you mean, two casualties?

We lost two assets attempting to neutralize.

Wiseman-designate Howell.

How is that possible?

He was armed with a spoon, sir.

A fucking spoon? What?

Uh, we're not sure yet,

the exact nature of the confrontation...

He's been fucking activated! Do you not see that?

- Yes, sir. - This is Lasseter.

She's in the town. Lock it down and find her.

Shut down the bridge, nobody gets in or out!

Sir, yes, sir.

- Where's asset Howell now? - He's been arrested, sir.

Perfect. Okay, we go in. We take him out.

He's trapped in one place.

You cannot possibly fuck this up.

OTIS: Yes, sir.

YATES: Employ assets Crane and Laugher.

(LAUGHING)

Okay, so just lead me through this one more time.

Just so I'm clear. Just so...

No, no, no. Um, I hit him with a spoon

and his lungs exploded.

- It wasn't his lungs. - No, that's what happened.

'Cause he couldn't breathe, 'cause I got him in the neck.

Your lungs aren't in your neck, they're in your chest.

I know that, Phoebe.

No, I don't know that. No, I do.

Phoebe. It doesn't even make any sense to me.

Okay. Okay. So you said something about a lady.

- Yeah. - What did she say to you?

Okay, so she said...

I don't know what she said. Like, some bullshit. Like...

I don't know what she said.

- Babe. We're in jail. - Yeah?

So maybe just try and remember and focus

and put it together. What did the lady say?

Okay.

(CLEARS THROAT)

She said...

Mandelbrot set is in motion. Echo Choir has been breached.

- (MOUTHING) - We are fielding the ball.

Mike, what the fuck does that mean?

I don't know.

Phoebe, I don't know

but I remember it like it just happened.

I remember every single thing that happened

to me in the last 94 minutes.

94 minutes? How did I even get that number, Phoebe?

I remember literally every single thing

that happened, I can picture it.

- Mike, listen. - Okay.

Just slow down.

WATTS: Yeah, Mike.

You slow way down.

(NERVOUS TAPPING)

How many times have you been in this station, Mike?

Since you were 22?

Your probation officer must be

the Michael Jordan of bullshitters.

Because I've never seen you gone

more than couple of hours?

Mike.

Tell me you didn't kill these people.

They attacked him.

- He was defending himself. - Yeah.

- Excuse me? - What was he supposed to do?

You're his girlfriend. You're his mom.

You're his maid. You're his landlady.

- Now you're his lawyer? - MIKE: It was just a thing.

It was just a thing that happened.

Mike...

- I didn't mean to. - You didn't mean to?

Two men are dead, Mike.

There's no walking away this time.

(POWER SHUTS DOWN)

(ALARM BLARING)

- What the hell is that? - OFFICER #1: What's going on?

- (ALARM BLARING) - Shit, lock it down!

Hey, we've got a problem.

PHOEBE: Why is the power out?

Oh, hell, Phoebe, I don't know.

Just keep moving.

Hold on. Hold on.

Mike, I really don't want to go in there.

Mike... There we go. Just hold on.

OFFICER #2: All the lines out of the station are down.

Radio, Internet, the phone...

Who the fuck is that?

Mike!

(GRUNTS)

Mike, grab his gun!

WATTS: Move! Move! Move!

Get down! Down! Stay down!

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

(GROANS)

(RAPID GUNFIRE)

Ah!

(WHIMPERING)

No, no, get out. Phoebe, get out!

(LAUGHER LAUGHING)

- (GRUNTS) - (GROANS)

Oh...

Phoebe, the gun.

Just go!

(GRUNTING)

(POWER TURNS ON)

(RADIO STATIC)

(DOO-WOP SONG PLAYING OVER RADIO)

(GUNSHOT)

(STRAINING)

(HANDCUFFS CLICKING)

Get out of here!

(GUNSHOT)

Come on!

- Wait! - Hmm?

Huh?

- (BEEPING) - Uh...

(BONE CRUNCHING)

(NECK SNAPS)

(SIRENS WAILING)

(HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING)

(KEYPAD BEEPING)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

(CLICKS TONGUE)

Hi, darlin'.

LASSETER: Why is Liman on lockdown?

Why are there men in hazmat suits

walking around like extra-terrestrials?

What the fuck are you doing?

A dog with rabies got loose. A real old bitch.

Oh, you're all class, Adrian.

You activated Howell.

Now two of my Toughguy assets are dead.

I know what you're doing here. Don't fuck with my operation!

Your operation is murder.

This is the last time that you and I speak.

I'm taking you down, Yates. You understand me?

That's pretty big talk for a middle-aged woman

with a... What? A cell phone?

You can't touch me. Okay...

You can't even... Did you just hang up on me?

Please tell me you did not just hang up on me.

Yo, Phoebe, where are we going?

We are leaving, we are getting the fuck out of town.

No, I can't leave town, you know that.

Well, you didn't have people try to kill you before,

I was thinking maybe that could motivate us here.

Okay, fine. So where do you want to go?

- Fuck! - All right, listen, listen.

We'll take my car and we'll go to Rose's house, okay?

- What? - What?

You want to get high right now, Mike?

No I don't want to get... No.

Rose has like guns and shit, okay.

He can help us hide out and I'm still in handcuff.

Okay, you are not in any position

to be making the plan right now.

Really? Well, who is, all right?

- The cops are all dead. - The guy in the thing,

in the cell thing,

doesn't see the gun, you don't point at it and go,

"Gun..."

Okay. No, no. I recognize that now

as, like, a faux pas. I'm sorry.

Like, and if someone who's trying to kill you,

goes, "Wait..."

You don't go, "Oh, what do you want to talk about?"

Okay, you're right. Sorry. I'm sorry.

Please just don't yell at me, okay?

- I'm starting to freak out. - No. I know you are.

I just think that maybe we need to figure out

what the fuck we're doing...

Come here. You're fine. I'm fine. All right?

We made it out of there. Okay?

And nothing else is going to happen, I promise.

(BAG RUSTLING)

Let's just get in my car...

Oh, fuck!

MIKE: So that's what those guys were doing?

That would have hurt.

Okay,

let's take my car.

(TEXT MESSAGE CHIMES)

(MUMBLING)

Aw.

(CHUCKLES)

- Hmm. - (SHUTTER CLICKS)

(CELL PHONE CHIMING)

Hello?

I'm in Liman. I activated Howell.

What?

Yates' Toughguy assets are in town.

I'm here trying to save asset Howell

and derail this operation.

But something's not right.

I'm standing in front

of the sheriff station which is on fire.

I don't understand...

(STAMMERS) Why would you... I should not be talking...

Listen to me. I need a weapon.

Oh, my God.

There's an empty field. I'm going to send you

coordinates for the drop.

And I need to know where the fuck.

Yates is pulling the subjects for this operation.

If they're trained assets,

they should be doing this quickly and quietly.

This behavior makes no sense.

Okay, I'm sorry. I gotta hang up. I can't...

No, no, no. No, no, no. Don't hang up. Don't hang up.

He's boxing me in, in this town.

He's going to trap me like a rat and he's going to kill me.

Please, Petey, I really need you.

PHOEBE: Okay, here we go.

- (CRYING) - (GIGGLES)

Hey.

Hey, you seem, like, spooky quiet.

I am spooky quiet.

I'm like...

I think I'm in anaphylactic shock.

That's not what that's called.

Like, I'm trying to think of stuff, you know...

Phoebe, I can't remember anything.

Like I never even...

I can't even remember where I went to school.

- Maybe don't think about it. - Did I go to school?

Uh...

Did we even talk about my parents?

We walk from here. Is that what's happening now?

- Yeah. - Let's go.

- Shit. - What?

What if I'm like... Like a robot?

No. No...

With gigabytes of memory recall,

and, like, karate programming where I use

objects to kill people.

Mike, you're not a robot.

With advanced biological engineering.

Maybe I am.

- Mike. - Yeah?

- You are not a robot. - But how do you know?

I have the weirdest thoughts in my head right now.

I know. I know, babe.

Do you know what a M1 Abrams is?

- (DOGS BARKING) - Hmm?

It's a type of tank.

I could list like 50 types of tanks right now.

When did I learn about tanks?

I didn't.

I know nothing about tanks or guns or bombs

but I suddenly know, like,

everything about tanks and guns and...

- (COCKS GUN) - Freeze, motherfucker!

- Oh, shit, Mike! It's you? - Rose. Rose.

What the fuck you doing here, man?

- Can we come over? - Yo, yo, yo... Get inside!

Get inside right now, man!

Shit crazy tonight.

I ain't tryin' to die from no monkey disease.

Come on, get inside!

(INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)

What the fuck?

(RADIO CHATTER CONTINUES)

What the fuck is all this?

- Mr. Yates, sir... - I said subtle!

I said covert!

Not pitch a tent in the middle of the fucking parking lot!

- OTIS: Sir, this is... - YATES: Where are the assets?

YATES: You got them all just sitting in a dark truck?

You said as bare bones as possible.

Yes. Right, you're right.

Thank you.

Laugher?

What happened to you? I heard you were KIA.

We recovered him

from the sheriff station 30 minutes ago.

But you saw him, right? Howell?

He took my teeth.

But I got 'em back.

Oh.

- (MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKER) - MIKE: Yeah, thanks.

We just wanna, like, hang out here for a couple of hours.

'Cause things are like...

I don't know, but things are, like,

pretty dangerous right now.

Yeah, so why you come to my house, Mike?

Why didn't you go to your house, huh?

Crazy is as crazy does and you dragged crazy here.

And I don't even know what that does or what that is.

You see what I'm saying?

I don't know, Rose.

We just thought it would be, like, safer here. Ow.

ROSE: Safer from what?

Wait, why do you think it's dangerous?

Yeah?

Like I said to you before because of the...

(MIMICS MONKEY GIBBERING)

The what?

The monkeys. The monkeys!

And, yo, Mike, what you gonna be safer from, Mike?

What you gonna be safer from?

- Rose... I... - (DOOR OPENS)

Safer from what, Mike?

Perimeter's clear, man.

Yo, this is Big Harold and Quinzin.

Niggas, this is Mike and Phoebe.

Mike? Me and Mike know each other.

MIKE: Me and Quinzin know each other.

Ah. Ha-ha! Jinx, right?

Dude, it sucks,

you were in first place for like three weeks

- and your kickers got hurt. - QUINZIN: I know, man.

What?

We do Fantasy Football together, you dig?

And you ain't even tell me?

Shit!

Oh, everybody's got a Fantasy Football league but Rose,

is what you're sayin'.

I guess Rose just sits alone, I guess.

I don't know nothin' about no Fantasy Football.

Well that don't make me feel better, man,

nobody tell you shit.

So hurtful.

Sorry, man, sorry.

But it's all about conspiracies tonight.

Sorry, can I just ask about the monkeys?

And the gas masks? What...

You ain't heard? Town's under the government wildfire.

Outer-space shit, straight.

Andromeda Strain bacterial disease type shit!

I'm sorry?

You ain't seen it?

Fuckin' look at the TV, man!

Look at the fuckin' TV!

Look at that shit, right there!

FEMALE REPORTER: (ON TV) level six quarantine

around the town of Liman, West Virginia.

The CDC has said a breakout of what is being described as.

Super Typhoid began earlier this evening.

The bridge into town has been blocked

with access in or out of the town...

What did I tell ya? What the fuck I tell ya?

That's not real. That can't...

sources believe the beginning of the outbreak

traced back to these two individuals...

PHOEBE: That can't be real.

Anyone having knowledge of their whereabouts

should contact the authorities immediately.

MIKE: Shit, Phoebe. Fuck...

These two animal activist are highly contagious...

MIKE: That's that lady I was telling you about.

And should not be approached

under any circumstances.

ROSE: What?

Officials have indicated that Victoria Lasseter

is responsible for the outbreak.

Why the fuck y'all on TV, Mike?

Victoria Lasseter's inappropriate close contact

with several test monkeys.

ROSE: Yo, Mike, are you in on this?

You mean, this is the lady that talked to you?

- Yeah. - ROSE: What?

Why the fuck do you know

that monkey fucking motherfucker, man?

- Dude, calm down. - ROSE: Calm down?

I want fuckin' answers now.

Yo! Yo! Yo!

Okay, Rose, listen...

Things don't mean what you think they mean.

This is going to sound crazy.

(FEMALE REPORTER READING PHONE NUMBER)

Something very weird is happening to me tonight, okay,

and I don't know what it is,

but I keep, like killing people, okay.

And there's a chance I may be a robot.

Oh, shit.

You got the fuckin' monkey virus.

No, Rose. Stop...

You're fucking going to quarantine, Mike!

- Rose, mm-mmm, don't do that! - Wait, wait, wait! No, no!

You're going to quarantine, motherfucker!

HAROLD: Damn!

Whoa, whoa!

Yo, bitch!

Rose. I'm sorry.

(HAROLD MUMBLING)

PHOEBE: Okay, Rose, can you just,

whatever you do, not call that number that's on the TV.

You think I'm gonna call the government?

Bitch, I ain't trying to get neuralized.

MIKE: Rose, maybe we could just talk about this, okay?

Nuh-uh, Mike.

Nuh-uh!

MIKE: Okay.

(LOCK CLICKING)

- Hey, Rose. - ROSE: Yeah?

I think I could probably break this lock.

- ROSE: Please don't. - Okay.

- (MUSIC BLARING FROM SPEAKERS) - Wow.

Wow.

I've never been down here.

Hey, Phoebe...

Phoebe, do you really think I have that disease?

What? That fake monkey news-story disease?

How do you know it's fake?

I did meet that woman.

PHOEBE: Well, how do you feel?

You feel sick?

No. I feel kinda amazing.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

- Hello? - YATES: Hola, Petey.

Why am I hearing that there's a supply drop made over Liman?

Do you understand that you're assisting the efforts

of a rogue CIA operative

acting against national security?

What do we call that, Petey?

When someone is actively working against

the interests of their own country?

Treason.

Gosh, help me out here because I always forget,

what's the punishment for treason?

We take you outside and we shoot you in the fucking head.

Now I'm keenly aware

that you have a degree of loyalty to Lasseter.

That ends now. You're not to help her again. Understood?

(LINE DISCONNECTS)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

LASSETER: Thanks for the location on Howell.

I'm heading to him right now, but in the meantime

we've got to go public on this. Call Krueger.

I can't believe Yates has been training

mental patients for his program.

It is my duty to inform you

that should you go public with this operation...

It's your duty? What?

We have to stop this! He's completely out of his...

If you go public with this operation,

you're committing treason,

and will be treated as a traitor

to the United States of America.

No! Pete? Peter?

- I'm sorry. - Petey!

I can't help you anymore.

Fuck!

Phoebe, what are you doing?

We are escaping.

Phoebe. No, Phoebe, stop.

I really don't think we should do this, okay?

I think we should just wait here.

Rose is like a really good guy, he'll come around.

You'll see. He's just a sensitive and complex man.

Babe, I'm not going to sit around

and wait on the judgment of your drug dealer.

YATES: Do we have a location on Howell?

He's at his friend's house.

Okay, we roll in waves. Got it?

Employ Newton, Laugher and Bourbon.

Is the press package ready?

- Yes, sir. - Activate it.

And...

I'm clearing use of Riofloxin gas.

No more risks. No more mistakes.

Clean sweep.

PHOEBE: Fuck!

Do you know what you're doing?

I'm just going to scoot a little bit further

and see if I can get into the other room.

Just give me one second.

This is not the right moment.

(GAS HISSING)

ROSE: What do you mean, Quinzin,

I can't be in your league?

- I know football. Dang. - QUINZIN: It's too late, man.

ROSE: Too late? It's never too late.

Whoa!

What the...

Oh.

(LOUD THUD)

Oh, shit! Phoebe!

Oh, shit!

- (GUNSHOT) - (GRUNTING)

(SCREAMS)

What?

(GRUNTING)

(PHOEBE MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY)

(DOOR OPENING)

(YELLS)

(COUGHING)

Babe, come here. Hey, honey?

Mike... Come here. Come here.

Hey, wake up! Wake up! Come on, come on.

You have to stay awake, all right?

Hey, that Riofloxin shit,

it's going to make you really tired!

This is going to help a little bit.

Only if you stay awake for me, okay?

- I feel sleepy. - Don't sleep! Don't sleep!

Baby, if you sleep you die.

Okay? If you sleep you die, Mike.

That's how this shit works.

Shuts down your senses one by one. Keep your eyes open!

Baby, keep your fucking eyes open!

Honey? Honey? Babe!

Babe, wake up! Wake up! Wake up, okay?

Fuck! Babe...

No, what the fuck! No!

What about Chip the Brick? Hey! What about...

What about Apollo Ape?

I love them. I love them...

If you die, they die.

I don't want them to fucking die. I love you, babe.

(ECHOING) Babe! Please!

PHOEBE: Mike, wake up.

(ECHOING) I love you.

Look at me.

Mike, you won't remember this, but I love you.

New start, away from all this.

Just you and me.

You're free.

Away from all this.

I love you.

It's over. I love you.

Interview number 13985.

This is our last session, Mike.

Mike!

You won't see me again.

I love you. It's over.

Wake up. Please!

Wake up! Mike.

Mike, you gotta wake up.

Mike! Mike!

Please!

(MIKE RETCHING)

(COUGHING)

Okay.

Hey.

No, no.

How do you know what that gas was?

Okay... I...

No, no, no. What is going on? How do you know...

How do you know what that gas was?

I don't know what's going on. But, listen...

- Baby... - No. No.

Okay, Mike. Mike. Mike... Hey...

(STAMMERING) I don't know what's going on.

But I do know what's going on with you, okay.

If you just listen... Listen.

Okay, tell me then.

It's not going to make any sense right now.

What is going on? What's going on with me?

I...

I'm your handler.

I was assigned to you five years ago.

- And... - My handler?

Please understand... I'm CIA, okay.

- But... - Hmm? You're what?

- Listen to me. It's okay. - You're what?

I've been trying to tell you this for so fucking long.

Phoebe... Are you not... Are you not my girlfriend?

Of course I'm your girlfriend.

- Babe, that's what... - Please stop it.

That's what I'm telling you. No...

Please stop it. No. I can't even look at you.

No, no, no, I gotta go.

PHOEBE: Mike!

Mike, you have to let me explain!

- No. No. No... Mike... - No, no, no.

- Hey... - Leave me alone!

- Unlock the door, Mike! - Leave me alone!

Oh, shit!

No, no, no. Get off of me. Get off of me!

Mike, relax...

Look, I just need to know.

Am I real?

Yes, you're real.

Are your parents really dead?

Okay, how much of everything that you've ever told me

is just a complete lie?

Not everything is a lie.

No, please don't use your grown-up voice with me.

I'm not.

Okay... No. I was in love with you.

I am in love with you... I don't even know who you are!

Fuck, Mike!

No, you don't get to like, fake cry with me, okay.

They probably like train you how to do this, don't they?

Fuck with my emotions. Okay, well stop it.

Please stop it.

Hey! Hey! Stop it, okay! Fucking stop it!

I'm not lying anymore.

Just give me one chance.

I'm not going to lie to you, okay?

Get out.

No. No, Mike.

Phoebe, get out of my car.

I can't...

- Get out of my car, okay! - I can't...

- Get out of my car! - It's my fucking car!

- No! Get out of the car! Okay! - (CRASHING)

(ENGINE REVVING)

(LAUGHER LAUGHING)

(LAUGHER WHISTLING TUNE)

Phoebe...

(PHOEBE GRUNTING)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Phoebe!

- Phoebe! - (CHOKING)

(BLOWS)

(LAUGHING)

(GUNSHOTS)

(YELLING)

(LAUGHER) I'm supposed to bring you in alive.

Lucky you! (LAUGHING)

Oh, shit!

Fuck!

No, no, no.

Bang! Bang! Bang!

(LAUGHS)

Phoebe! Phoebe!

Phoebe!

I'm going to do something very bad.

- MIKE:: Phoebe! - (LAUGHER WHISTLING TUNE)

(GRUNTING)

MIKE: Oh, shit! What is that?

It smells like gas!

- Gas! - No! No!

Fuck! No! No! No, don't!

Oh, fuck! Oh, man!

I fucking hate you, man!

Well, I fucking hate you too, man!

Oh, shit!

(GRUNTING)

Hey, I wanna show you something! Hey, wake up.

Hey, wake up!

I said I wanna show you something.

Look!

(LAUGHER LAUGHING)

Mike! Mike!

OTIS: Sir!

Well, if it isn't Miss Stockholm Syndrome 2010.

Yates. What the fuck are you doing here?

Whoa. That's unprofessional.

Who's running this operation?

Since when did desk jockeys like you run field ops?

Well, I guess that's the problem

with going dark for five years.

You kinda fall out of the loop on a couple of things.

Do you have authorization at all?

Where's Krueger?

Phoebe Selburg,

she who'd rather suck some stoner's cock

than turn herself back in for debrief,

is going to question my authorization?

I've read your file.

You have no secrets from me!

Your boyfriend isn't real.

We made him.

Oh, I'm so sorry,

that some lab-rat made you cum a bunch of times

in the back of a Taco Bell!

Yeah, that's probably a good reason to throw away

your entire life!

Well, I guess it all worked out.

Because look where I am now.

In charge of a major operation.

And look where you are.

Under departmental arrest for insubordination.

And your face is all messed up.

And I'm gonna get a promotion.

Your pathetic stoner boyfriend has been burned alive.

(MIKE COUGHING)

Hey. Hey.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- It's okay. It's okay. Hi. - Hi.

Mike, do you recognize me?

Do you know who I am?

Yeah, you're the woman from the market.

Yeah.

Do you really know who I am?

Are you my mother?

No.

Okay, you know what, I gotta take you somewhere.

- No, no, no. - We got to go someplace safe.

No, we have to. You're coming with me. No...

No, I'm...

Stop. I'm not going anywhere until you tell me

what the hell is going on with me, okay?

Who are you

and what did they do with my girlfriend?

Okay.

Do you remember

when you were arrested when you were 18 for the acid?

That was when we first met.

I was recruiting people for a program called Wiseman.

Which was basically designed

to take third strike misdemeanor offenders

and offer them the opportunity to volunteer.

Volunteer? For what?

To be... To be an experiment.

An experiment?

Yeah.

That was a mistake.

No, but Mike, you worked.

All the other subjects that came in,

they were all failures.

But not you.

You were a success.

But it was driving you insane.

It was driving everybody insane.

The risks weren't worth the rewards.

So I shut it down,

and I gave you all new lives and new identities.

- A fresh start here. - Yeah.

So you erased my memories.

And you fucked with my head.

And you left me here with a fake girlfriend.

- No. - No, Mike, Mike, wait.

This isn't who you always were.

The slow thinking, the inability to leave town.

The phobias... We did that to protect you.

- To protect me? - Yeah.

Well tell that to the guys who are trying to kill me.

Who the fuck are those people?

- (DOOR CREAKING) - Hey. You're the lady from TV!

Hey.

You fuck monkeys!

What?

Mike, where are you going?

Sir, asset Howell is still alive.

He and Agent Lasseter

were spotted at the gas station near Chestnut Street.

YATES: Shit!

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

- Hello? - YATES: Hola, Petey.

I need a drone in the sky in less than an hour.

Call me when it's entering my air-space.

So you're going to blow up

- a civilian town? - YATES: If I have to.

To catch one guy?

This is it, Pheebs.

The kid gloves are off.

It's fine. Go back to work!

(INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)

HOME: Sir, new sighting.

Two subjects heading east on Perryman Way.

They're going back to the house.

He's not just going to go back to the house.

Mike can be a little slow sometimes,

but he's not a fucking idiot.

LASSETER: Mike, I can't believe

you're going back to your house.

MIKE: I'm going inside and I'm going to sleep.

LASSETER: He could have snipers

taking aim at us right now.

Really? Then shoot me, please!

- (LASSETER SHUSHING) - So what?

Why are you still here?

LASSETER: I don't want you to die.

MIKE: Why?

Because...

Because I care about you, all right?

Okay, well I don't care, all right.

If I die, I'm going to do it stoned,

and smiling in my bed.

And you can stay or you can go.

YATES: Otis, I need you and Beedle to go to the house

and confirm the location of Lasseter and asset Howell.

Now, thank you, now!

OTIS: Sir, yes, sir.

What the fuck are you looking at?

(HAWAIIAN SONG PLAYING)

Who's Apollo Ape?

He's a monkey astronaut.

I made him up. He goes on adventures.

Hey, Mike, you know Phoebe was supposed to come back in.

When you were in the program, she always looked out for you.

As all the other assets kept failing,

you kept succeeding.

She had so much faith in you.

You were real to her.

She was just supposed to get you settled into this town

and then she was going to be reassigned.

But she decided to stay with you.

She gave up everything,

her whole real life.

Just thought you should know that.

- (OBJECT CLATTERING) - (LASSETER GROANING)

Miss Lasseter?

(LASSETER CHOKING AND COUGHING)

(GLASS SHATTERING)

(BEEDLE GRUNTING)

Come here.

Asset Howell confirmed on site!

Sir, asset Howell confirmed on site.

Requesting immediate backup.

Copy that. Drone strike is a go, call it.

But what about Otis?

Drone strike is a go! Call it!

We are go for strike.

MAN: Roger, go for strike.

Agent Douglas, please confirm.

Go for strike.

Moving into attack position.

MIKE: Okay. There you go. All right.

Oh, shit! Okay, stay here.

- (GUN COCKING) - (MUFFLED GUNSHOT)

OTIS: Beedle!

(BEEPING)

Target lock in progress.

Waiting confirmation to strike.

Fire!

Agent Douglas, please confirm deployment.

YATES: Fucking fire!

What the fuck is wrong with you! Drop it now!

Drop it!

Now! Fire! Now!

Agent Douglas?

We're losing our target window.

- Do you copy? Agent Douglas! - YATES: Fucking idiot!

AUTOMATED FEMALE VOICE: Ten, nine, eight, seven, six,

- five, four, three, two... - No, fuck you.

AUTOMATED FEMALE VOICE: Target lock disengaged.

WOMAN: Predator satellite link down.

MAN: Ground station has lost communication with the drone.

(MUSIC CONTINUES ON RECORD PLAYER)

Wow.

The ol' frying pan bullet trick.

(MUSIC STOPS)

(LAUGHING)

Shit. Oh, shit!

(BREATHING DEEPLY)

(PHONE RINGING)

This is Krueger.

MAN: (DISTORTED VOICE) Hello, Mr. Krueger.

Um, do you have a minute?

(ALARM BLARING)

MAN: (OVER PA) All personnel evacuate.

All personnel evacuate.

Initiate immediate

non-combatant evacuation protocol.

All transport vehicles...

LASSETER: Otis,

how'd you get tied up in all this?

(PHONE RINGING)

Don't answer that.

What if it's the guys who have Phoebe?

It definitely is.

Okay, then I'm going to answer it.

No, Mike.

- Hello? - Hello.

Who's this?

You first.

Oh, fuck me. It's you, isn't it?

- It's Mike Howell. - Yeah. Who's this?

Is the house not all

on fire?

No. Man, the house is like basically normal.

Okay.

So what's the plan now?

I mean, like, like do you surrender?

Fuck! You got me.

I surrender.

Why don't you come on down to the Max Goods parking lot,

and accept my surrender.

- The Max Goods on Wilson? - Yeah.

Yeah, is that one across from the tire shop?

The Ten Minute Tires?

What? Yes! That Max Goods.

So what happens if I meet you there?

Like, how do you accept a surrender?

Do I need to sign something?

Uh, your girlfriend's here.

Would you ever like to see her alive again?

I don't know.

So if I just took out my gun and blew her fucking face off,

you'd be cool with that?

No, that wouldn't be cool.

Is she really there with you?

Mikey?

I'm sorry.

But I'm the tree.

I've been the tree the entire time, you're the car.

Okay?

I love you.

So you can leave, you can go wherever you want

and they will fucking never...

(LINE DISCONNECTS)

(SCOFFS)

That was really fucking lame.

LASSETER: Mike, what are you doing?

I'm going to save my girlfriend from Max Goods.

Get out! Get out of the fucking truck!

You're all now Code-3 right now!

Go! Go! Faster! Go!

Go! This is it!

This is the moment that I have trained you for!

This is not a fucking dress rehearsal, okay!

This guy is deadly.

He is silent and he will sneak up on us.

- Are we clear? - (FIREWORKS BURSTING)

Fuck!

(ALL GRUNTING)

Laugher, get out here!

(ALL EXCLAIM)

Hey, Phoebe! Phoebe!

- (OVER PA) Hey, Phoebe... - Mike!

I just wanted to say that, um, I love you.

And that everything is going to be okay.

I mean, not like perfect, obviously, but better.

Like we'll probably have to get a new house,

- and also cars... - You two, can you kill him?

- Please, kill him. - But I'm coming to get you.

And this will all be over.

Soon-ish.

(GUN SHOTS)

(GRUNTING)

(GUNSHOTS)

Oh!

- MIKE: Phoebe! - (MEN SHOUTING)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(GUNSHOT)

Yates, give up!

Just let me go, that's all he wants!

(GLASS SHATTERING)

Aah!

Go! Go!

- Laugher, grab her. - Fuck!

MIKE: Phoebe!

(MOANS)

(MEN SCREAMING)

Laugher, end this.

(PHOEBE STRUGGLING)

(GRUNTS)

Don't hide!

Come out. I really want to talk to you.

(EXHALES)

(LAUGHING)

Come out!

(PHOEBE GRUNTING)

Come here!

Oh. You know...

What? What do I know? What do I know?

Why don't you tell me what I know?

You're fucked!

Am I? How?

My pathetic stoner boyfriend...

He's going to kill you and you know it.

You know what?

Hmm?

- You... - (SPITS)

Huh?

(LAUGHER LAUGHING)

I think you're a lot like me.

Ah!

Ahh!

(SCREAMING)

Fuck this!

(LAUGHS)

Fuck you! They're going to be laughing at your pothead ass

tomorrow morning at debriefing!

You know what, Tarzan,

why don't you go burn with your fucking ape!

(YATES CHOKING)

(GRUNTS)

You're scaring me.

Will you please come out? Can we just talk?

I wanna talk...

(GROANS)

(LAUGHER GROANING)

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHS)

Oh...

I'm sorry.

I can't control

the things that they did to my head.

They made you like they made me.

But you're better than me.

Who told you what to do?

Nobody.

That must be nice.

(LASSETER YELLING)

(CHOKING)

(GRUNTING)

Who's the bitch now, fucker?

- KRUEGER: Enough, Lasseter. - (GASPS)

(YATES COUGHING)

Enough!

PHOEBE: Mike?

Mike?

(CLATTERING)

Baby?

Phoebe...

(SOBBING)

Fuck.

(SNIFFLES)

(DOOR CLICKS)

Do you want to go home?

Okay.

Okay.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(INAUDIBLE)

She said yes!

(POLICE RADIO CHATTER)

(CHUCKLES)

She said yes!

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

Oh, man, come on, just give us, like, one...

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

(TROOPERS SHOUTING)

(BANGING ON DOOR)

(DOOR KICKS OPEN)

- AGENT: On the ground! - Ah, perfect.

- (GUNS COCKING) - (AGENTS SHOUTING)

KRUEGER: Congratulations. In the fucking woods,

in the fucking rain!

That is the level of fuck-up you have achieved!

LASSETER: I just want to say, sir,

that Peter Douglas should not be held responsible

for any of his actions in the last 24 hours.

Douglas will be dealt with when he's dealt with.

You, on the other hand,

you directly interfered with a government operation.

And as a result,

you caused the death of innocent civilians.

Is that correct?

- Yes, sir. - You're absolutely right, sir.

Thanks to Lasseter activating asset Howell,

seven American citizens are now dead.

In an operation that wouldn't...

This is an operation that you created and spearheaded

without any authorization, is that correct?

Yes, sir, but you have to understand,

I was self-starting.

Excuse me?

Did I make some mistakes?

You know, I did.

Did I take some shortcuts? Sure.

But in the end, I was just doing what I needed to do

to create a cost-efficient exploit

of a system already put in place.

And if I pulled it off,

you'd be thanking me. Right?

Come on, you'd be fucking thanking me, right?

- Yeah. - Okay.

Thank you.

- Now I'm... - (GASPS)

(LASSETER WHIMPERS)

I don't know if this is appropriate,

but please, please do not kill me.

I'm your source.

When I called you to notify you

that the sweep was happening,

I did it out of respect and courtesy,

and you've made me regret that now.

It was not my intention for you to act like a child

and try to save your puppy.

The puppy was going down,

I was notifying you of the puppy's death.

But the puppy just shit all over everything!

You have a crazy,

scary rabid puppy that murders people

and will still need to be put down.

You understand that? Correct?

Yes, sir.

You better pray you can find a way to turn this into a win

and pull a miracle out of your ass!

Because if you can't...

That's you.

You already have your miracle, sir.

My program worked.

Wiseman beat Toughguy.

Mike Howell eliminated

17 Toughguy assets single-handedly.

That makes him the most effective asset

we've ever seen in any of the Ultra Programs.

Ever. In 60 years.

Pardon me for saying it, sir.

But that is a puppy worth saving.

That is a $400 million puppy.

And you have him sitting in a holding cell right now.

You're just going to put him down?

(DOOR BUZZING)

ANALYST: Where do you want to begin,

Agent Howell?

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

(BELL DINGING)

I'll be up in a minute.

Okay.

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

Hello. Hi.

They took the bait.

(SPEAKING MANDARIN)

(MAN SPEAKING MANDARIN)

(SNICKERS)

(MIKE CHUCKLES)

(IN ENGLISH) Something funny?

(SPEAKING MANDARIN)

(ROARS)

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(GUNSHOTS)

(SINISTER LAUGH)

(ROARS)

(GUNS COCKING)

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

(DINGS)

(ROARS)

(SNARLING)

(HAWAIIAN MUSIC PLAYING)

(ENGLISH - US - CHI - FIDEL33)