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1
00:00:02,903 --> 00:00:06,474
[ Soothing music plays ]
Narrator: It's the beginning
of a new season.
2
00:00:06,507 --> 00:00:09,910
Could this season
change things for you?
3
00:00:09,943 --> 00:00:13,814
Could it be your season?
4
00:00:13,847 --> 00:00:16,317
Yes,
I believe it could --
5
00:00:16,350 --> 00:00:18,152
[ Grunts, screams ]
[ Cup clatters ]
6
00:00:18,186 --> 00:00:20,988
Welp, I got laughed
out of the library again.
7
00:00:21,021 --> 00:00:22,523
What's wrong, my boy?
8
00:00:22,556 --> 00:00:24,692
It's my soft-ass
library card.
9
00:00:24,725 --> 00:00:27,561
Nobody takes me seriously
with this flimsy thing.
10
00:00:28,562 --> 00:00:29,563
[ Card squeaks ]
11
00:00:29,597 --> 00:00:31,031
A relatable problem.
12
00:00:31,065 --> 00:00:34,735
Naomi at the reference desk
asked if I took it for a swim.
13
00:00:34,768 --> 00:00:37,238
I tried countering with
a Jacques Cousteau joke,
14
00:00:37,271 --> 00:00:39,940
but I'll give you one
[bleep] guess how that went.
15
00:00:39,973 --> 00:00:43,344
No.
This must be laminated.
16
00:00:43,377 --> 00:00:45,213
Why do we
have to come help Steve
17
00:00:45,246 --> 00:00:47,881
get his douchey
liberty card laminated?
18
00:00:47,915 --> 00:00:50,017
Li-brary.
19
00:00:50,050 --> 00:00:52,720
Li-brary card.
20
00:00:53,554 --> 00:00:56,524
We should be taking him
to a speech therapist.
21
00:00:56,557 --> 00:00:57,791
Hey, look,
22
00:00:57,825 --> 00:01:00,128
there's a Langley Copy, Print,
and Office Services.
23
00:01:00,161 --> 00:01:01,562
Let's just go there.
24
00:01:01,595 --> 00:01:03,464
Where laminating is at best
third on the list,
25
00:01:03,497 --> 00:01:05,933
lumped in with
God knows what "services"?
26
00:01:05,966 --> 00:01:09,137
No, we need to go where
the job will be done right.
27
00:01:09,170 --> 00:01:10,604
Hayley:
Little Colombia?
28
00:01:10,638 --> 00:01:12,873
Nobody laminates
like a Colombian.
29
00:01:12,906 --> 00:01:16,244
You're about to see true masters
practice their craft --
30
00:01:16,277 --> 00:01:18,946
flat plastic
without a bubble in sight.
31
00:01:18,979 --> 00:01:20,047
I mean, some bubbles.
32
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:21,382
They're --
They're not wizards.
33
00:01:21,415 --> 00:01:24,051
But let me tell you,
those edges never curl.
34
00:01:24,084 --> 00:01:26,154
Well, over time, sure.
Oh, we're here.
35
00:01:26,187 --> 00:01:28,889
[ Latin music playing ]
36
00:01:28,922 --> 00:01:32,560
I had no idea there was a
Colombian District in Langley.
37
00:01:32,593 --> 00:01:34,295
Oh, it's
a thriving community,
38
00:01:34,328 --> 00:01:35,563
brimming with
the sights, sounds,
39
00:01:35,596 --> 00:01:37,565
and flavors
of authenticity.
40
00:01:37,598 --> 00:01:41,802
These bowls here are handmade
in the town of Boyacá.
41
00:01:41,835 --> 00:01:43,904
And, look.
There's a festival today.
42
00:01:43,937 --> 00:01:45,239
Fool's Day.
43
00:01:45,273 --> 00:01:46,574
Something's
always happening
44
00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:48,609
here in the land
of a thousand rhythms.
45
00:01:48,642 --> 00:01:50,578
Dad, how do you know so much
about Colombia?
46
00:01:50,611 --> 00:01:51,912
Did you do a mission there
or something?
47
00:01:51,945 --> 00:01:55,983
No! I-I...read about it
in a-a magazine.
48
00:01:56,016 --> 00:01:58,652
Cool.
Oh, oh, you need the name
of the magazine?
49
00:01:58,686 --> 00:02:00,288
To make it more believable
to you?
50
00:02:00,321 --> 00:02:01,689
I've already stopped
thinking about it.
51
00:02:01,722 --> 00:02:03,757
Fine. [ Sighs ]
[ Glass shatters ]
52
00:02:03,791 --> 00:02:06,927
Look, the truth is,
I do know about Colombia,
53
00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:10,831
for that country changed
the very core of who I am.
54
00:02:10,864 --> 00:02:14,101
It turned me from an arrogant,
flashy razzle-dazzler
55
00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:17,305
to the humble and hard-working
agent that I am today.
56
00:02:17,338 --> 00:02:20,508
That sounds worse.
It's a cautionary tale
I've never shared.
57
00:02:20,541 --> 00:02:22,276
That's okay.
We're really just focused
58
00:02:22,310 --> 00:02:23,544
on finding
a laminating guy.
59
00:02:23,577 --> 00:02:25,846
But I think I may
finally be ready.
60
00:02:25,879 --> 00:02:29,116
The story of my time
as a young agent in Colombia
61
00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:30,484
starts right --
62
00:02:30,518 --> 00:02:32,953
**
63
00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:35,223
* Good morning, U.S.A.
64
00:02:35,256 --> 00:02:39,293
* I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day *
65
00:02:39,327 --> 00:02:42,196
* The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face *
66
00:02:42,230 --> 00:02:46,900
* And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race *
67
00:02:48,602 --> 00:02:51,972
* Oh, boy, it's swell to say
68
00:02:52,005 --> 00:02:54,642
* Good --
* Good morning, U.S.A.
69
00:02:54,675 --> 00:02:55,743
Aah!
70
00:02:57,044 --> 00:03:00,314
* Good morning, U.S.A.
71
00:03:00,348 --> 00:03:02,149
It was the height
of the drug war.
72
00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:03,484
Steve: What about
my library card?
73
00:03:03,517 --> 00:03:04,918
Stan: As you know,
I cut my teeth
74
00:03:04,952 --> 00:03:07,154
in the Miami field office
of the CIA.
75
00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:08,489
Francine: Wait, Miami?
76
00:03:08,522 --> 00:03:10,691
I thought you were
talking about Colombia.
77
00:03:10,724 --> 00:03:12,593
Miami is not Colombia.
78
00:03:12,626 --> 00:03:14,995
I know that.
Don't you think I know that?
79
00:03:15,028 --> 00:03:17,598
[ Breathes deeply ]
80
00:03:17,631 --> 00:03:22,336
There's a place between here
and Colombia called Miami.
81
00:03:22,370 --> 00:03:25,005
[ Seagulls chirping ]
82
00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:26,574
Here comes the drop.
83
00:03:28,809 --> 00:03:33,113
Looks like they're trolling
for some blow-fish.
84
00:03:33,146 --> 00:03:34,382
Cargo is onboard.
85
00:03:34,415 --> 00:03:36,717
We'll monitor the delivery,
and then --
86
00:03:36,750 --> 00:03:39,520
Fly in
on a Jet Ski-i-i-i-i-i!
87
00:03:39,553 --> 00:03:41,555
Smith,
this isn't our mission.
88
00:03:41,589 --> 00:03:43,524
Save your mission
for the nuns,
89
00:03:43,557 --> 00:03:46,394
'cause I'm
a stone-cold sinner.
90
00:03:48,095 --> 00:03:51,198
[ Man screams ]
91
00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:54,234
[ Jet Ski engine revving ]
92
00:03:59,273 --> 00:04:00,908
[ Grunts, screams ]
93
00:04:01,642 --> 00:04:04,645
Screw it.
Let's nail these creeps.
94
00:04:04,678 --> 00:04:05,979
[ Jet Ski engines revving ]
95
00:04:06,013 --> 00:04:14,154
**
96
00:04:14,187 --> 00:04:22,330
**
97
00:04:22,363 --> 00:04:24,398
[ Jet Ski engine revs ]
98
00:04:24,432 --> 00:04:25,833
Stan: We got them.
99
00:04:25,866 --> 00:04:29,737
All: C-I-Ya-a-a-a-y!
100
00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:33,674
* Don't leave me this way
101
00:04:33,707 --> 00:04:35,309
* Ahhh
102
00:04:35,343 --> 00:04:36,910
* Baby
103
00:04:36,944 --> 00:04:41,315
* My heart is full of love
and desire for you *
104
00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:47,020
We did the job with style,
105
00:04:47,054 --> 00:04:49,256
but never lost sight
of the mission.
[ Sniffs ]
106
00:04:49,289 --> 00:04:51,091
That was all you today,
Smith.
107
00:04:51,124 --> 00:04:52,493
I love your passion,
man.
108
00:04:52,526 --> 00:04:54,928
I love it and I love it
and I love your fashion.
109
00:04:54,962 --> 00:04:56,029
It's like I say, man --
110
00:04:56,063 --> 00:04:58,932
I like doing good
and looking even better.
111
00:04:58,966 --> 00:05:01,602
[ Both grunting ]
112
00:05:01,635 --> 00:05:04,505
And we never did the drugs.
113
00:05:08,809 --> 00:05:10,644
While we no doubt
kicked ass yesterday,
114
00:05:10,678 --> 00:05:13,981
the objective was to track
the smugglers into Miami
115
00:05:14,014 --> 00:05:16,550
and figure out
their distribution process,
116
00:05:16,584 --> 00:05:19,487
not launch
a surprise Jet Ski attack.
117
00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:22,390
I wasn't surprised.
118
00:05:23,223 --> 00:05:24,625
-Bull's-eye!
-Whoo-hoo!
119
00:05:24,658 --> 00:05:26,694
Uh, settle down, boys.
120
00:05:26,727 --> 00:05:29,397
Now, this is a map
of Downtown Miami.
121
00:05:30,564 --> 00:05:32,733
Sorry.
I don't settle down.
122
00:05:32,766 --> 00:05:34,134
I get down.
123
00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:36,470
[ Jazz fanfare plays ]
124
00:05:36,504 --> 00:05:38,305
We know
where El Narco is.
125
00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:40,408
And by now,
he knows we mean business.
126
00:05:40,441 --> 00:05:42,342
I say we waltz
into his compound,
127
00:05:42,376 --> 00:05:44,177
and I'll straight-up
tell El Narco,
128
00:05:44,211 --> 00:05:47,180
"No blow north of Mexico."
129
00:05:47,214 --> 00:05:48,682
-Whoo! Yes.
-Whoo-hoo!
130
00:05:48,716 --> 00:05:50,684
I guess Smith's
action-movie ideas
131
00:05:50,718 --> 00:05:52,653
haven't gotten us killed yet,
right?
132
00:05:52,686 --> 00:05:55,055
Let's do it.
[ All cheering ]
133
00:05:55,088 --> 00:05:59,159
And so I was on my way to
Colombia to confront El Narco.
134
00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:00,661
I would need a translator.
135
00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:02,329
But more than that,
I would need some
136
00:06:02,362 --> 00:06:05,232
extra-pleated baby-blue slacks
to slide over
137
00:06:05,265 --> 00:06:09,236
my extra-extra bikini-cut
Calvin Klein underwears.
138
00:06:09,269 --> 00:06:13,340
Because when you look good,
you find good translators.
139
00:06:13,373 --> 00:06:15,275
...after which
I translated
140
00:06:15,308 --> 00:06:17,445
Chomsky's
"Syntactic Structures,"
141
00:06:17,478 --> 00:06:19,880
and received
the Leonard Bloomfield Award.
142
00:06:19,913 --> 00:06:21,782
Yeah, but how many chicks
have you slept with?
143
00:06:21,815 --> 00:06:24,117
Smith,
he's clearly qualified.
144
00:06:24,151 --> 00:06:26,954
Qualified to make us look
like a bunch of ass-butts.
145
00:06:26,987 --> 00:06:28,021
Look at his suit.
146
00:06:28,055 --> 00:06:29,923
We can't be seen in public
with this guy.
147
00:06:29,957 --> 00:06:31,892
Next.
Aloha!
148
00:06:31,925 --> 00:06:35,028
Oh, yeah, that was before
we really knew each other.
149
00:06:35,062 --> 00:06:36,797
Yes.
So sorry, Roger.
150
00:06:36,830 --> 00:06:38,899
This is a story
that doesn't include you.
151
00:06:38,932 --> 00:06:41,869
Wow, so you've never put it
together that -- You know what?
152
00:06:41,902 --> 00:06:43,871
I'm just gonna sit back
and enjoy the story.
153
00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:46,707
I'll say it again.
Aloha!
154
00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:48,542
Someone called
for a laminator?
155
00:06:48,576 --> 00:06:50,377
Actually, a translator.
156
00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:52,079
Close enough.
I'll take it. Aah!
157
00:06:52,112 --> 00:06:54,882
Geez, I thought there was
an elk in the room for a sec.
158
00:06:54,915 --> 00:06:57,084
That's a lot of brown
you got on, man.
159
00:06:57,117 --> 00:06:58,752
Kind of rumpled, too.
160
00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:02,890
[ Laminating machine whirs,
beeps ]
161
00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:04,391
Much better.
162
00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:06,393
Who is this?
163
00:07:06,426 --> 00:07:08,228
Hi. Stan Smith. CIA.
164
00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:11,264
Enrique Ruiz.
A Colombian man.
165
00:07:11,298 --> 00:07:13,834
I like the way your hand feels
in this handshake.
166
00:07:13,867 --> 00:07:15,402
Wish I could say
the same.
167
00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:17,638
Whoa!
Looks and attitude?
168
00:07:17,671 --> 00:07:19,740
Do you even speak
Spanish?
169
00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:22,576
Uh, does this answer
your question?
170
00:07:22,610 --> 00:07:25,445
[ Up-tempo Latin music plays ]
171
00:07:27,380 --> 00:07:29,683
Oh, mama.
This guy can salsa.
172
00:07:29,717 --> 00:07:32,586
He's actually dancing
what's known as bachata.
173
00:07:32,620 --> 00:07:35,789
[ Lighter clicks ]
[ Screaming ]
174
00:07:38,659 --> 00:07:41,294
Now, this
is a translator.
175
00:07:42,162 --> 00:07:45,499
No one could deny
Enrique's "it" factor.
176
00:07:45,533 --> 00:07:46,700
The job was his.
177
00:07:46,734 --> 00:07:48,035
And it was
a risky mission,
178
00:07:48,068 --> 00:07:50,437
but just the kind
I lived for.
179
00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:52,472
Hola, boychiks.
180
00:07:52,506 --> 00:07:56,510
The name's Stan Smith, and
I'm here to talk to El Narco.
181
00:07:58,746 --> 00:08:01,181
[ Crude Spanish accent ]
Stahn Smeeeeth.
182
00:08:04,151 --> 00:08:05,619
[ Keypad beeping ]
Hey, remind me.
183
00:08:05,653 --> 00:08:06,987
When we're done
with this mission,
184
00:08:07,020 --> 00:08:08,556
I want to know what
"la cucaracha" means.
185
00:08:08,589 --> 00:08:11,525
Whoa,
El Narco's got a rhino.
186
00:08:11,559 --> 00:08:13,794
[ Scoffs ]
It's not even an albino rhino.
187
00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:15,729
What's wrong with this guy?
All this money,
188
00:08:15,763 --> 00:08:17,798
and he's not even shoving it
in everybody's face.
189
00:08:17,831 --> 00:08:20,233
Yeah, this is tasteful.
Show me gaudy.
190
00:08:20,267 --> 00:08:22,135
I know.
Where's the night club, right?
191
00:08:22,169 --> 00:08:24,572
I bet he doesn't even have one.
-Doesn't have a night club.
192
00:08:24,605 --> 00:08:27,207
[ Scoffs ] Probably doesn't
even enjoy soft kisses.
193
00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:29,743
[ Both laughing ]
194
00:08:31,845 --> 00:08:33,513
[ Laughter continues ]
195
00:08:33,547 --> 00:08:37,084
I feel like I'm at college, and
I've just met my best friend.
196
00:08:37,117 --> 00:08:38,385
Wait.
What's your favorite movie?
197
00:08:38,418 --> 00:08:40,053
-Porn.
-I've seen that.
198
00:08:40,087 --> 00:08:43,423
-My favorite part is when --
-When the guy's like [grunting]
199
00:08:43,456 --> 00:08:45,559
Yes!
I'm here for El Narco.
200
00:08:45,593 --> 00:08:50,263
Tell him Stan Smith is here
and El Dumbass's time is up.
201
00:08:50,297 --> 00:08:51,498
Translate, my dude.
202
00:08:51,531 --> 00:08:53,066
-And I do a little of this.
-Yeah.
203
00:08:53,100 --> 00:08:54,835
-And that.
-Spell it out for them.
204
00:08:54,868 --> 00:08:57,504
-And a spin move, and...
-That's word-for-word, bitches.
205
00:08:57,537 --> 00:08:59,506
I'm El Narco.
206
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:03,276
Holy crap.
The translator was El Narco?
207
00:09:03,310 --> 00:09:05,045
Yeah.
Total betrayal.
208
00:09:05,078 --> 00:09:07,114
He was sitting in his throne,
flipping me off
209
00:09:07,147 --> 00:09:09,583
with his big, gray finger.
Gray?
210
00:09:09,617 --> 00:09:11,518
Yeah, he was a pretty
weird-looking dude.
211
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:13,020
And to make matters
worse...
212
00:09:13,053 --> 00:09:15,689
[ Cackling ]
This was a setup.
213
00:09:15,723 --> 00:09:17,858
You intercept one shipment
in Miami
214
00:09:17,891 --> 00:09:20,761
and think you can take down
my entire kingdom? Ha!
215
00:09:20,794 --> 00:09:23,864
Don't laugh yet 'cause my team
is surrounding the compound
216
00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:27,267
and ready to kick it
into high gear...now.
217
00:09:27,300 --> 00:09:29,069
-We're all dead.
-[ Gasps ]
218
00:09:29,102 --> 00:09:31,705
Dude, you asked me
to help you plan this.
219
00:09:31,739 --> 00:09:32,740
Kill him.
[ Guns cock ]
220
00:09:32,773 --> 00:09:35,108
Uh, daring escape.
221
00:09:35,142 --> 00:09:36,209
Smoke bomb.
222
00:09:36,243 --> 00:09:38,311
[ Coughing ]
223
00:09:38,345 --> 00:09:40,748
[ Panting ]
224
00:09:40,781 --> 00:09:42,415
Why doesn't he
spit it out?
225
00:09:42,449 --> 00:09:44,117
This guy makes me laugh.
226
00:09:44,151 --> 00:09:46,053
[ Laughter ]
227
00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:48,155
Now, fool,
go back to America
228
00:09:48,188 --> 00:09:50,791
and spread the fame
of El Narco.
229
00:09:50,824 --> 00:09:52,459
Oh, and one more thing.
230
00:09:52,492 --> 00:09:54,895
Of course
I have a night club.
231
00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:57,264
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
232
00:10:01,769 --> 00:10:03,470
An albino rhino.
233
00:10:03,503 --> 00:10:06,473
Oh, it was so hard
not to tell you in the car.
234
00:10:06,506 --> 00:10:07,808
It was so hard.
235
00:10:07,841 --> 00:10:09,309
I wanted to tell you
so bad,
236
00:10:09,342 --> 00:10:10,844
but I was like,
[nasal voice] "Err, yeah,
237
00:10:10,878 --> 00:10:13,246
uh, El Narco doesn't have
one of those."
238
00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:15,148
[ Grunting rhythmically ]
239
00:10:19,653 --> 00:10:21,822
So, El Narco sent you back
to the U.S.
240
00:10:21,855 --> 00:10:23,423
with your tail
between your legs?
241
00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:25,759
Ah, I could see
how that would humble you.
242
00:10:25,793 --> 00:10:27,627
Humbled? No, sir.
243
00:10:27,661 --> 00:10:29,596
But your whole team
died.
244
00:10:29,629 --> 00:10:30,764
What does that have to do
with me?
245
00:10:30,798 --> 00:10:32,299
Those agents
were dead weight.
246
00:10:32,332 --> 00:10:33,466
Now they were just dead.
247
00:10:33,500 --> 00:10:35,836
And my weight was lifted.
248
00:10:35,869 --> 00:10:39,006
Wow, you have a way
with words.
249
00:10:39,039 --> 00:10:43,310
Would you order for me?
I want a water and a bread.
250
00:10:43,343 --> 00:10:45,612
There was no way
I was leaving Colombia
251
00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:47,214
without taking down
El Narco.
252
00:10:47,247 --> 00:10:51,318
And I had my work cut out for me
because he was beloved by all.
253
00:10:51,351 --> 00:10:53,954
El Narco!
El Narco is here!
254
00:10:53,987 --> 00:10:56,790
Yes.
And bringing gifts.
255
00:10:56,824 --> 00:10:58,158
Chickens.
256
00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:00,327
And hams.
257
00:11:01,261 --> 00:11:03,831
What about the sides,
El Narco?
258
00:11:03,864 --> 00:11:05,565
[ People shouting indistinctly ]
Yes, yes.
259
00:11:05,598 --> 00:11:07,968
Only the best
for my people.
260
00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:09,737
Now we play soccer.
261
00:11:09,770 --> 00:11:12,339
Behold my golden leg.
262
00:11:14,942 --> 00:11:17,477
Uh, eh, goal!
Go-o-o-o-al!
263
00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:18,678
Yeah.
264
00:11:18,712 --> 00:11:21,148
[ People cheering ]
Yeah!
265
00:11:21,181 --> 00:11:23,984
He had the villagers
wrapped around his finger,
266
00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:26,820
the same gray finger
I mentioned earlier.
267
00:11:26,854 --> 00:11:28,688
Wait, y-you keep
mentioning that.
268
00:11:28,722 --> 00:11:30,190
You know who else
has gray fingers --
269
00:11:30,223 --> 00:11:32,359
Yeah,
probably El Narco's parents.
270
00:11:32,392 --> 00:11:34,594
But that's a story
for a different time,
271
00:11:34,627 --> 00:11:37,397
a story that I don't know.
272
00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:41,068
El Americano!
273
00:11:41,101 --> 00:11:42,335
Shh.
274
00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:45,038
Ha! You look ridiculous
hiding in the bushes.
275
00:11:45,072 --> 00:11:46,506
I thought
I sent you home.
276
00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:49,442
Good people, please,
this man is not your friend.
277
00:11:49,476 --> 00:11:52,279
He's responsible for death
and suffering in my country.
278
00:11:52,312 --> 00:11:55,215
He's an honest champion
of the village.
279
00:11:55,248 --> 00:11:56,616
He gives us gifts.
280
00:11:56,649 --> 00:11:58,351
You don't understand.
He --
281
00:11:58,385 --> 00:12:01,054
Mangos. Mangos, mangos,
mangos for sale.
282
00:12:01,088 --> 00:12:03,423
-Sir, I'm trying to --
-Juicy mangos.
283
00:12:03,456 --> 00:12:05,058
Eat what
the toucans eat.
284
00:12:05,092 --> 00:12:06,693
Forget
your stupid mangos.
285
00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:09,029
Now he judges
our mangos!
286
00:12:09,062 --> 00:12:10,898
[ Indistinct shouting ]
287
00:12:12,833 --> 00:12:15,735
Hope you're not planning
to drive anywhere.
288
00:12:15,769 --> 00:12:17,304
Car bomb!
[ Remote beeps ]
289
00:12:19,472 --> 00:12:20,808
[ Laughter ]
290
00:12:20,841 --> 00:12:23,543
Ah, does this please
my people?
291
00:12:23,576 --> 00:12:25,045
I declare
a festival tomorrow
292
00:12:25,078 --> 00:12:27,614
to celebrate my victory
over this fool.
293
00:12:27,647 --> 00:12:29,649
Car bomb!
294
00:12:29,682 --> 00:12:30,984
Car bomb!
295
00:12:31,018 --> 00:12:33,253
[ Chicken clucking ]
Ooh, a mean chicken.
296
00:12:33,286 --> 00:12:34,321
Get him, chicken.
297
00:12:34,354 --> 00:12:35,789
[ Clucking continues ]
298
00:12:35,823 --> 00:12:37,324
I needed a new plan
299
00:12:37,357 --> 00:12:41,294
to expose El Narco
for the criminal he was.
300
00:12:41,328 --> 00:12:42,295
It'll never work.
301
00:12:42,329 --> 00:12:45,732
You left those sunglasses
in Miami.
302
00:12:45,765 --> 00:12:47,968
Eat, señor.
303
00:12:48,001 --> 00:12:50,804
Why do you show
such kindness, Mango Man?
304
00:12:50,838 --> 00:12:54,141
Because I despise
El Narco.
305
00:12:54,174 --> 00:12:57,845
That idiot says
I have bad mangos.
306
00:12:57,878 --> 00:12:59,412
If they're so bad,
307
00:12:59,446 --> 00:13:02,449
why do the flies choose
to lay their eggs in them, eh?
308
00:13:02,482 --> 00:13:03,917
Their own babies.
309
00:13:03,951 --> 00:13:06,453
Mango Man
used the word "idiot"?
Yep.
310
00:13:06,486 --> 00:13:09,456
How does that make you feel,
Roger?
311
00:13:09,489 --> 00:13:10,657
Indifferent.
312
00:13:10,690 --> 00:13:12,159
You guys,
I'm telling a story.
313
00:13:12,192 --> 00:13:16,496
Mr. Mango Man, will you work
with me to take down El Narco?
314
00:13:17,831 --> 00:13:20,100
No, no, no.
Too dangerous.
315
00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:22,002
I have already said
too much.
316
00:13:22,035 --> 00:13:25,672
Mango, mango, mango.
Night mango.
317
00:13:25,705 --> 00:13:27,340
Everything set
for the festival?
318
00:13:27,374 --> 00:13:28,942
I know El Narco
wants to move product,
319
00:13:28,976 --> 00:13:30,477
but [sighs]
this feels risky.
320
00:13:30,510 --> 00:13:34,214
Just make sure Uncle Sam
is filled with the goods.
321
00:13:34,247 --> 00:13:36,016
We both have to make sure,
Dave.
322
00:13:36,049 --> 00:13:38,718
We are a team.
This isn't just on me.
323
00:13:38,751 --> 00:13:41,454
I didn't know what he
had planned for the festival,
324
00:13:41,488 --> 00:13:43,456
but I knew it would be
my best chance
325
00:13:43,490 --> 00:13:46,359
to expose El Narco
in front of his village.
326
00:13:46,393 --> 00:13:47,560
Uncle Sam.
327
00:13:47,594 --> 00:13:48,962
The float.
328
00:13:48,996 --> 00:13:50,630
The drugs are in the float.
329
00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:53,967
Time to do some good
while looking even better.
330
00:13:54,001 --> 00:13:55,335
Mango Man, now!
331
00:13:57,404 --> 00:13:59,306
Oh, yeah, he --
he said he wasn't gonna help.
332
00:13:59,339 --> 00:14:00,840
He was very clear
about that.
333
00:14:00,874 --> 00:14:03,877
Come on,
try and steal it from me.
334
00:14:06,013 --> 00:14:07,514
Hey, what's going on?
335
00:14:07,547 --> 00:14:10,483
Gather round, amigos,
as I expose El Narco
336
00:14:10,517 --> 00:14:13,320
for who he truly is --
a drug dealer.
337
00:14:13,353 --> 00:14:15,588
You'll never be able
to show your face
338
00:14:15,622 --> 00:14:18,058
in 1980s Colombia again.
339
00:14:18,091 --> 00:14:21,461
And now I give you
the real fool.
340
00:14:23,763 --> 00:14:27,534
[ Laughter ]
Ha-ha!
He's covered in rhino crap.
341
00:14:27,567 --> 00:14:30,337
What? No.
Where's the coke?
342
00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:32,605
Or -- Or is this
the uncut stuff?
343
00:14:32,639 --> 00:14:34,507
[ Spectators "ohh" ]
344
00:14:34,541 --> 00:14:36,009
Ack! Ugh!
345
00:14:36,043 --> 00:14:37,344
Why do people like drugs?
346
00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:39,779
Ya ate shit, dude.
[ Laughter ]
347
00:14:39,812 --> 00:14:42,549
I can't believe
you fell for my trick.
348
00:14:43,450 --> 00:14:45,919
[ Laughter ]
Aw, no way,
he fell back in!
349
00:14:45,953 --> 00:14:47,687
Oh, here,
let me help you up.
350
00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:49,056
No.
351
00:14:49,089 --> 00:14:51,624
He kissed the anteater!
[ Laughter ]
352
00:14:51,658 --> 00:14:54,861
The anteater loves him.
That's his girlfriend now.
353
00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:57,230
[ Laughter continues ]
[ Smooching ]
354
00:14:58,065 --> 00:15:00,968
And for dessert,
car bomb!
355
00:15:01,001 --> 00:15:02,635
[ Remote beeps, explosion ]
356
00:15:02,669 --> 00:15:04,871
Aw, man,
that was my Ferrari.
357
00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:06,239
How could I be
so stupid?
358
00:15:06,273 --> 00:15:09,476
It wasn't you, El Narco.
It was the fool's fault.
359
00:15:09,509 --> 00:15:12,212
-Don't call me that.
-Yeah, the fool made me do it.
360
00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:14,547
In fact,
from here until forever,
361
00:15:14,581 --> 00:15:17,817
I declare this festival
the Day of the Fool.
362
00:15:17,850 --> 00:15:19,819
[ People chanting "Fool!" ]
No.
363
00:15:19,852 --> 00:15:21,754
I'm not a fool.
Stop it.
364
00:15:21,788 --> 00:15:22,956
Hear that?
365
00:15:22,990 --> 00:15:24,891
You'll always be
a turd-slipping,
366
00:15:24,924 --> 00:15:27,560
anteater-kissing,
balls-hurting fool.
367
00:15:27,594 --> 00:15:28,628
My balls don't hurt.
368
00:15:28,661 --> 00:15:30,630
[ Winces ]
369
00:15:30,663 --> 00:15:32,565
El Narco was right.
370
00:15:32,599 --> 00:15:34,234
My balls did hurt.
371
00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:37,837
And arrogant Stan
was always going to be a fool.
372
00:15:37,870 --> 00:15:40,007
So I left that Stan
in Colombia.
373
00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:41,508
And who returned?
374
00:15:41,541 --> 00:15:43,243
The man I am today.
375
00:15:43,276 --> 00:15:47,347
A methodical, hard-working agent
who'd never be a fool again.
376
00:15:47,380 --> 00:15:49,782
-Fool?
-Not at this table, friend.
377
00:15:49,816 --> 00:15:52,085
It is.
It's you, the fool.
378
00:15:52,119 --> 00:15:53,420
[ Stan gasps ]
379
00:15:53,453 --> 00:15:56,123
Wait, you're the fool
of Fool's Day?
380
00:15:56,156 --> 00:15:57,590
The fool. The fool.
381
00:15:57,624 --> 00:15:59,092
The fool.
The fool.
The fool.
The fool.
382
00:15:59,126 --> 00:16:01,928
No, no.
I-I left all that behind.
383
00:16:01,961 --> 00:16:04,031
He kissed it again!
384
00:16:04,064 --> 00:16:07,334
Mm, get it, girl.
I ain't jealous.
385
00:16:13,406 --> 00:16:14,941
Get that away from me,
Roger.
386
00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:16,643
You're almost as bad
as El Narco.
387
00:16:16,676 --> 00:16:17,944
Dad, are you kidding?
388
00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:20,513
Roger is El Narco.
389
00:16:20,547 --> 00:16:21,714
No.
390
00:16:21,748 --> 00:16:23,116
Blowing up cars,
391
00:16:23,150 --> 00:16:25,718
publicly shaming you
for his own amusement.
392
00:16:25,752 --> 00:16:28,521
Being piss-poor
at soccer.
Tread lightly, bitch.
393
00:16:28,555 --> 00:16:31,491
Wait. Hold this.
394
00:16:31,524 --> 00:16:33,226
Damn it.
395
00:16:33,260 --> 00:16:35,462
Roger,
I should kill you.
396
00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:36,629
But you won't.
397
00:16:36,663 --> 00:16:39,566
'Cause I made you
the man you are today?
398
00:16:39,599 --> 00:16:42,869
[ Groans ] How did this stupid,
little holiday you started
399
00:16:42,902 --> 00:16:44,337
spread around
the dang world?
400
00:16:44,371 --> 00:16:46,506
Hey, it's one day a year
where people don't have to
401
00:16:46,539 --> 00:16:48,641
feel bad about
the stupid things they do.
402
00:16:48,675 --> 00:16:49,676
Who wouldn't want that?
403
00:16:49,709 --> 00:16:53,012
You.
You made me cheat on my wife.
404
00:16:53,780 --> 00:16:56,049
And he told me you're going to
make him do it again
405
00:16:56,083 --> 00:16:58,017
this year at Red Rocks!
406
00:16:59,519 --> 00:17:03,323
Roger, we're stopping
this holiday.
How are you gonna stop it?
407
00:17:03,356 --> 00:17:05,725
Well, it started
when I couldn't catch El Narco.
408
00:17:05,758 --> 00:17:08,661
But if I show the village
that I did catch him,
409
00:17:08,695 --> 00:17:09,896
I'll be de-fooled.
410
00:17:09,929 --> 00:17:12,232
Roger,
we're going to Colombia.
411
00:17:12,265 --> 00:17:13,666
Ohh, sorry, I can't.
412
00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:16,002
My improv group,
Pizza Party Weekend,
413
00:17:16,035 --> 00:17:17,237
has a cage match
tonight.
414
00:17:17,270 --> 00:17:18,838
No. We're leaving now.
415
00:17:18,871 --> 00:17:20,173
Oh, are we?
416
00:17:20,207 --> 00:17:23,276
Looks like we got ourselves
a standoff.
417
00:17:24,477 --> 00:17:27,080
I'm taking you
to Colombia.
418
00:17:27,114 --> 00:17:28,348
No way.
419
00:17:28,381 --> 00:17:31,017
My improv team needs me,
Stan.
420
00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:33,253
I do
all the Southern characters.
421
00:17:34,554 --> 00:17:36,423
This isn't happening,
Stan.
422
00:17:36,456 --> 00:17:38,691
Oh, it's happening.
[ Metal detector beeping ]
423
00:17:38,725 --> 00:17:41,594
Oh, don't worry.
That thing's always going off.
424
00:17:41,628 --> 00:17:43,630
No Colombia.
425
00:17:43,663 --> 00:17:44,964
Yes Colombia.
426
00:17:44,997 --> 00:17:47,734
Woman: Flight 718 to Colombia
is overbooked.
427
00:17:47,767 --> 00:17:50,237
We are offering vouchers
and hotel accommodations
428
00:17:50,270 --> 00:17:52,572
to anyone
willing to fly tomorrow.
429
00:17:52,605 --> 00:17:55,975
You'll have to kill me
to get me to Colombia.
430
00:17:56,008 --> 00:17:57,810
We can make that happen.
431
00:17:57,844 --> 00:18:01,047
I need the bathroom,
and you're coming with me.
432
00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:03,750
I'll go anywhere
but Colombia.
433
00:18:03,783 --> 00:18:06,886
[ Snoring ]
434
00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:09,889
Who's in Colombia now?
435
00:18:09,922 --> 00:18:12,392
Oh, no,
my improv group.
436
00:18:12,425 --> 00:18:14,161
[ Chuckling ]
Alright.
437
00:18:14,194 --> 00:18:15,728
Uh, did someone order
a pizza box
438
00:18:15,762 --> 00:18:18,298
with a bunch of comedy
inside?
439
00:18:18,331 --> 00:18:20,800
We just need a location
to get us started.
440
00:18:20,833 --> 00:18:22,602
Man:
The deep South!
441
00:18:23,870 --> 00:18:28,007
Okay, we're two hungry
out-of-town New Yorkers.
442
00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:29,809
[ Audience booing ]
443
00:18:31,211 --> 00:18:34,414
**
444
00:18:34,447 --> 00:18:38,151
It's your fault I crashed
my sister's car, fool.
445
00:18:41,554 --> 00:18:44,191
Mama, I'm sorry
I wet the bed.
446
00:18:44,224 --> 00:18:47,360
It's okay, Marco.
It was the fool.
447
00:18:48,361 --> 00:18:50,630
You made me wet my bed,
fool!
448
00:18:51,531 --> 00:18:53,633
No, he didn't.
It was you.
449
00:18:53,666 --> 00:18:55,935
[ All gasp ]
The fool walks
among us.
450
00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:57,604
The fool.
The fool.
The fool.
The fool.
451
00:18:57,637 --> 00:19:01,007
Maybe I was the fool once,
but I'm a changed man.
452
00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:03,443
And you'll all have to
start taking responsibility
453
00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:05,212
for your own mistakes.
-Why?
454
00:19:05,245 --> 00:19:08,215
Because after 20 years
of being a joke,
455
00:19:08,248 --> 00:19:11,951
I have finally caught
your famous El Narco.
456
00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:13,052
[ Laughter ]
457
00:19:13,085 --> 00:19:16,523
What?
I got him. I won.
458
00:19:16,556 --> 00:19:18,525
Roger,
why are they laughing?
459
00:19:18,558 --> 00:19:20,660
Whoa, you need
a new moisturizer.
460
00:19:21,694 --> 00:19:22,862
Oh, dang.
461
00:19:22,895 --> 00:19:24,864
[ Rhinoceros defecates,
water spraying ]
462
00:19:24,897 --> 00:19:28,835
I'm still the same fool I was
20 years ago.
463
00:19:28,868 --> 00:19:30,036
I thought I changed.
464
00:19:30,069 --> 00:19:31,804
I thought
I was a better man.
465
00:19:31,838 --> 00:19:35,174
But I'm a fool now,
and I'm gonna die a fool.
466
00:19:35,208 --> 00:19:37,076
[ Sobbing ]
467
00:19:37,109 --> 00:19:39,879
Mister, there's a fool
in all of us,
468
00:19:39,912 --> 00:19:42,815
and this holiday
makes us feel better.
469
00:19:42,849 --> 00:19:44,717
You know what to do.
470
00:19:47,354 --> 00:19:50,390
Oh, my God.
Throw it.
471
00:19:51,358 --> 00:19:53,260
Yeah, I knew that.
472
00:19:53,293 --> 00:19:55,595
This is all your fault,
fool.
473
00:19:57,196 --> 00:19:59,366
Whoa.
That does feel good.
474
00:19:59,399 --> 00:20:00,933
Give me another.
475
00:20:01,868 --> 00:20:03,670
[ Mango splatters ]
Oh, yeah.
476
00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:05,405
And I got
some other gripes.
477
00:20:05,438 --> 00:20:08,174
This is for the time
I accidentally said "I love you"
478
00:20:08,207 --> 00:20:10,209
to the DirecTV operator
as I hung up.
479
00:20:10,243 --> 00:20:11,344
[ Grunts ]
[ Mango splatters ]
480
00:20:11,378 --> 00:20:13,112
And this is --
-Stan, buddy,
481
00:20:13,145 --> 00:20:15,348
I'm sorry I lied to you
for 20 years.
482
00:20:15,382 --> 00:20:17,450
It's okay.
The fool made you do it.
483
00:20:17,484 --> 00:20:19,786
In fact, he deserves
worse than mangos.
484
00:20:19,819 --> 00:20:21,888
[ Bullet ricochets ]
Ah, you son of a bitch.
485
00:20:21,921 --> 00:20:24,257
[ Bullets ricocheting,
Stan grunting ]
486
00:20:24,291 --> 00:20:26,759
This guy's got
incredible aim.
487
00:20:26,793 --> 00:20:27,860
Smoke bomb.
488
00:20:27,894 --> 00:20:29,429
[ Coughing ]
489
00:20:36,336 --> 00:20:38,070
I'll take two.
490
00:20:38,104 --> 00:20:40,072
Wait. Is this you?
491
00:20:40,106 --> 00:20:41,808
It's all of us,
really.
492
00:20:41,841 --> 00:20:44,544
[ Statues shatter ]
Hey, you broke my statues!
493
00:20:44,577 --> 00:20:45,712
Blame it on the fool.
494
00:20:45,745 --> 00:20:47,647
You're not even
wearing pants!
495
00:20:47,680 --> 00:20:52,685
And yet my dignity's intact,
thanks to Fool's Day.
496
00:20:54,454 --> 00:20:57,089
[ Groans ]
What a [bleep] moron.
497
00:20:57,123 --> 00:20:59,759
[ Siren chirps ]
498
00:20:59,792 --> 00:21:01,928
[ Siren wailing ]
499
00:21:01,961 --> 00:21:03,796
Bye! Have a beautiful time!
35929
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