Original subtitles

Allen The Dog (2020) Brought to you by: RAYMANS Distributions Inc.

Look at me, mommy.

I'm running, yeah!

Woooo, yeah!

I found my ball, mommy, yeah!

Fuck this!

Mommy, get over here, yeah!

Oh, my goodness!

Good job!

Oh, I'm so proud of you.

Throw it super far this time, mommy.

Okay.

I'm gonna lose this darn weight, yeah.

I know you are, honey.

Okay, last one.

It might rain, okay.

Okay, ready?

Wait, it went that way.

Hi, mister.

What's your name?

Hey, why is your mouth so wet?

Oh, god!

No!

Oh, my god!

He just ate my fucking leg!

Oh, Honey Bear!

Why is it taking too long to die?

Honey Bear!

Honey Bear!

Oh, my Honey Bear!

Oh, my god!

Oh, no!

Oh, god!

With us now is our Doggone News correspondent,

Zoey Spencer.

Zoey, what do you know?

Well, the competition is refusing to roll over, Brett,

and it's been a rough start

for the highly favored Chester Pinscher.

He's not keeping his knees up, Zoey.

IF Chester keeps those knees up,

he's best in show this year.

We'll be right back after this.

Calloway dog treats.

Is this heaven?

Oh, man.

I would wreck that face.

Well, you're all set Mrs. H.

Oh, thanks, Matt.

I wish I can afford new shocks.

Ah, don't sweat.

I patched him up like new.

Oh, you are such a lifesaver, as always.

And to thank you, I wish I could,

I wish I could patch you up like new.

Oh, wow.

That's, that's, that's all right, Mrs. Higgins.

No, it was, it was, it was my pleasure.

It sure could be your pleasure.

Boom.

Just saying...

Full disclosure, I like to hit.

What?

Well, the course trot

is where our front runner is struggling.

Chester needs to raise those knees, Brett.

See?

Knees up, ass out.

How many times did I tell you that growing up?

Goddammit, dude.

Hey, Matt.

Check out my new baby.

Whoa, is this it?

Yeah.

She's beautiful, man.

Oh, thanks.

6.4-liter engine, eight-speed transmission.

She'll bring in more than the '88 Corvette.

Oh, she better.

I love the garage, man, but business is so slow.

It doesn't help that you give away free shocks, Matt.

I'm sorry, man.

She's an old lady.

I'll make it up to you.

You're a terrible businessman, but a promising mechanic.

Hell, the best gear-head I've seen

in over 10 years in the yard.

Thanks, man.

That means a lot.

That's the kind of talent you don't throw away.

It's the kind you partner up with.

Wait, are you saying what I think you're saying?

Yeah, running the garage, you and me as co-owners,

turning this place around.

What do you think, Matt?

Let me think on it.

Okay.

Don't make me wait too long.

What's up, Brenda?

Mike?

Yeah, no, no, this is Matt.

The mechanic?

Yes, yes the mechanic.

No, I was just calling to say how much,

I had so much fun.

It was fun the other night, right?

Uh-huh.

Sorry, I heard you say uh-huh

but then I didn't hear you say anything else.

That's all I said.

No, I got it.

That's all you said.

Okay, that's great.

That's great.

Well, anyways, do you wanna go for like a hike sometime?

I know you mentioned your weight.

You were trying to lose some.

Are you calling me fat?

No, I'm not saying you need to lose weight.

I just, you said you wanted to go on a diet.

And anyways, no, hike's a bad idea.

So, well, listen.

You have a have a blessed day.

Okay.

Bye, Mark.

All right, bye.

God, I'm off my game.

Your game?

Brenda?

Oh, yeah, no, you're still there.

That's, that's great.

We should totally hang.

Oh, Jesus Christ!

Although Chester has yet to win

his first blue ribbon, the Pinscher brothers

have dominated dog show competitions for years.

That's right, Brett.

And as you know, Chester is following the path

of older brothers Brutus and Aurelius,

all blue ribbon champions.

A remarkable family.

Well, and Brett, here is some trivia for you.

There's actually a fourth Pinscher brother,

but he was the runt of the litter

and he ran away at a young age.

Very fascinating, Zoey.

Well, I guess we can't all be superstars, can we?

Hmm.

In other news, another vicious coyote attack

has shaken Los Angeles.

Incredibly, somehow, the latest victim survived.

I may have had my legs taken from me.

But guess what.

You don't love with your legs.

You love with your heart.

And I still have that, so I'm gonna be just fine.

Allan, let's do this, buddy!

Yes!

It's showtime, baby!

I missed you, buddy.

I missed you, dude.

So how was your date last night, amigo?

I didn't hear you come in.

Well, I guess it wasn't a date.

When I dropped her off,

Brenda thanked me for the friend day.

What the hell is a friend day?

Apparently, it's the combination

of the words friend and day.

Goddammit.

She actually said that?

Yeah.

It didn't exactly set the mood for our first kiss,

so I just proceeded to give her the most awkward high five

in the history of the world and left.

Forget her, man.

We're focusing on our shit right now anyway.

You're not gonna be a grease monkey forever, yo.

Come on, Allan.

I like working on cars though.

Besides, we gotta eat, right?

Wow.

Hey, Matt, what's the first thing you're gonna do

when we're rich and famous?

Well, life isn't all about cash and fame.

I mean, sure, those are great things to think about.

But being happy and having each other

is more important than showbiz.

Exactly.

It's gonna be wall to wall sex for me too.

Pah, pah.

Yeah, work those Ps.

Peter Pan pumped it up with the P. Diddy jams.

That's what he does.

Yeah.

Peter Pan pumps it up with the P, Diddy jams.

You know what else?

What's that?

P. Diddy and Peter Pan are doing pushups in Kazakhstan.

Ooh, I like that.

Yeah, say it with me now.

P. Diddy and Peter Pan

are doing pushups in Kazakhstan.

And we are ready.

That was good.

Yeah, yeah.

All right.

All right, come on.

All right.

Oh, wait, listen, Allan.

Uh-huh.

Before we go in there,

look, if things go south in there,

just take it easy, okay?

We don't need another episode

- where you scream at the... - Oh, dude.

Not a chance, buddy, for real.

Got my emotions under control, like a eunuch.

What is this?

It's a river otter!

That sucks.

You're welcome!

And so this big elephant gets super pissed at the zebra

and says, "That was a terrible call, ref."

That was the punchline, kids.

Don't lock the joy inside.

That was a terrible call, ref,

like referee,

because zebras and refs both have white and black stripes.

You know, with like.

You know, they kinda look similar.

What the hell, parents!

They don't know their animals yet?

Go home and get your piano, Rowlf.

Seriously?

You think if I was a muppet, I'd be doing this gig?

You're either Rowlf or a bear took a shit on Snoopy.

Oh, laughter.

Maybe you and me should trade places.

Allan, calm down.

Screw this.

I wanna pet his anus with my thumb.

What do his eyes feel like?

No, no, no, no, not the shakes.

Allan, Allan, Allan.

It's okay.

It's okay, it's okay.

Allan, it's okay.

It's okay, it's okay.

So he was telling this joke,

but the kids, they weren't really laughing.

And I think it just was really...

They weren't laughing.

They weren't laughing.

Hey, shh.

I'm writing a prescription for Allan's anxiety.

But Allan is on the edge.

Call me immediately if this happens again.

I will.

Thank you, Dr. Williams.

Okay.

And listen, I was thinking,

maybe we shouldn't perform anymore.

Allan puts so much pressure on himself.

It can't be healthy.

This is my dream.

Laugh, you little fuckers.

You know about his family being famous show dogs

and him being the runt of the litter.

I just, I wanna be encouraging,

but I'm worried about his hopes being crushed.

You can't pet my anus.

Hey.

Shh.

You're doing great, Matt.

Don't beat yourself up over this.

You and Allan are fantastic together.

Look, Allan is gonna take one pill twice a day.

And he needs to exercise more.

I just wanna be rich and famous.

Ellie, she walks Mr. Wrinkles,

you know, my little Chinese Shar-Pei.

You'll both love her.

Thank you.

Where am I?

Shh.

Allan, you are in my office, and you are safe.

How are you feeling?

Okay, I guess.

It happened again?

Oh, it sure did, buddy.

But don't you worry.

We're gonna get you fixed up like new, okay?

I love you, Matt.

I love you, pal.

And Dr. Williams,

one more question while I have you real quick.

Of course.

Yeah.

Medically speaking, is my dick still growing?

Or is this pretty much what I have to work with?

Allan!

- I'm sorry. - What?

I'm not a puppy anymore, you know.

Hey, does that scale still work?

I'm getting little Allan up there and just...

Oh, that's enough, Allan.

Take care of business.

Okay, sorry, Dr. Williams.

Allan.

There are streets out there.

So what gives, dude?

I come in from the doghouse last night to snuggle

and I get the cold shoulder?

I didn't give you the cold shoulder, Allan.

Hmm, interesting theory, because it was your shoulder,

it was cold, and it nudged me away.

Allan, I nudge you because you laid across my face

in the middle of the night and I couldn't breathe.

Nudges are walls people build around their hearts, Matt.

Allan, I couldn't breathe!

I thought I might die.

That's a perfectly good reason for a nudge.

Well, I need,

thank you, sir.

I need a human companion who would rather die

than interrupt even a moment of my innocent slumber.

That's ridiculous.

Wait.

Are you still annoyed I asked Dr. Williams

to use her scale to weigh my dog-hood?

Well, now that you mention it,

in what world do you think it's okay

to ask another person to weigh your junk?

She's a doctor, god.

Just tracking my progress, dude.

Excuse me?

I said I'm just tracking my progress.

Why don't you just use a ruler like everyone else does?

The ruler method is flawed, dude.

If I shove the end into my groin, I can force an extra inch.

Ooh, that must be Ellie.

Who?

Your new dog walker.

But why?

Because you need someone

to get you to take your anxiety pill

in the middle of the day,

and an extra walk will do you some good.

I already hate her knock.

Allan.

Oh, I'm great.

I'm wearing my fox onesie.

Perf.

Be nice.

Hi, I'm Matt.

Ellie.

Yeah.

Oh, you wanna come in?

Yes.

Yeah, come on in.

And you must be Allan.

I'm full grown, you know.

Oh.

Yeah, you you look it.

Damn straight.

I only mention it

in case the pajamas gave you the wrong impresh.

I wear them for both comfort and nerd hipness.

No, the onesie's clutch.

It takes a confident male to rock a onesie.

Respect.

Mm, yeah.

Respect backsies to the maxies.

Flattery will get you everywhere, mah lady.

Oh.

Anyway, Matt is running very late

and has to leave immediately.

So that'll give us a chance to see if we're a good match.

Hey, who's nudging who now, huh, buddy?

It was great meeting you, Ellie, really great.

You too.

I like your glasses, by the way.

- Yeah. - Oh.

They're cool.

Do they

help you see?

Oh, yeah.

They are not just worn for style.

Cool.

I like your sideburns.

Do they keep your face warm?

Thanks.

Yeah, they do.

This one got burned off a couple of years ago though.

Allan and I were camping, got in a food fight,

and I got hit by a burning hot marshmallow.

Gah.

Not exactly a brush with death

but the story lives on somehow.

All right, my man, I know you gotta run.

I guess I gotta...

Have a great day.

Yeah, all right.

Get outta here.

- All right. - Bye, Allan.

Hey, Ellie, it was really nice...

Yeah, you, oh.

Okay.

Why don't you take off your jacket and step into my lair?

All right, let the interrogaysh commence.

That's shortsies for interrogation.

So official.

Let's start.

All right.

Let's get down to biz.

That's short for biznasty.

But you're got a hip Silverlakey kind of girl.

I bet you're down with the abbrevs, mah lady.

Oh, I love the abbrevs.

But you do seem to say mah lady a lot.

Do you not like it, mah lady?

Oh, no, it's fine.

I mean, I could see it

getting a little annoying after a while.

Well, I don't wish to call you mah lady

if mah lady does not like it.

Every now and then is perf.

Okay.

First quesh.

That's a question, and it's a pretty big one.

Are you a sociopath?

No.

Every time I murder somebody, I feel terribly guilty.

Witty banter, check.

Ha, that's great.

All right, second quesh.

That's question.

Wait, real quicksies.

Uh-huh.

Do you always say the abbrev version of a word

and then follow it up with the full word?

Because that kinda defeats the point of the abbrevs.

PTML.

Point taken, mah lady.

- Okay. - Okay,

question number two.

Oh, yeah.

So we're on a walk.

It's a hypothetical.

We're on a walk and, you know, I see a burden in a bush

or something like that, and I just go nuts.

Now, do you panic and drop the leash?

Or do you kinda take control a little bit?

Oh.

Well, I guess I would take control, rein it in.

Ooh.

Yeah, just, you know, a gentle tug on the leash

to remind you who's in control.

Ooh, message received!

Yeah, and if things got really out of hand,

maybe a firm pat on the butt

with an, "Allan, no," thrown in.

O,

M,

G.

I could hug your face forever.

Oh.

Well, you know, I think we're done here.

Anything you wanna tell me before a trial rub?

Run, trial run.

Sorry.

Trial run?

Actually, there is something I like to be upfront about.

Oh, please.

This is an indica vape pen.

Mm-hmm.

This strain is called Death Star.

And while I am totally anti dark side,

if I smoke this all day, I sleep like a baby all night.

Oh.

You know, I'm all for national legalizache,

but Matt and I, honestly, you know,

we've barely dabbled with the Mary Jane ourselves.

Blow that fucker in my eye!

Oh, shit!

Oh, yeah!

I love you, man!

I love you, my man!

I love you!

All finished?

No.

Well, you're obviously hired.

Oh.

You give me a sense of control,

and yet, I never forget who's boss.

Yeah, yeah, it felt natural.

You're very pretty, you know.

Oh.

Well, thank you, Allan.

Oh, is that you and Matt there?

Yep, that's him.

Hmm, cute.

Oh.

Well, hey, you know, Matt's great, but spoiler alert,

he's a bit of a boozer and a registered sex offender.

Oh.

Well, that's only two strikes, I guess.

Could be worse.

Oh, yeah, it's not a big deal.

I mean, you know, he was caught masturbating in a,

you know, a movie theater or an airplane.

I can't remember, but water under the bridge.

Right.

Oh, you know what?

After a successful walk, I usually like to take a nap,

but I would love to watch the movie Rocky for the 65th time.

Oh, big fan, huh?

Are you kidding me?

Sly wrote the script in two weeks.

That's redonk!

That is redonkulous.

And you know what?

I would love to join you,

but my boyfriend's about to pick me up.

Oh, but you would love him, mm-hmm.

And you know what?

You should meet my dog.

She's a big fan of Rocky too.

I mean, Rocky as well, not Rocky 2, the sequel.

Solid film, sure,

but it doesn't hold a candle to the orig feech,

which is short for original feature.

We have more candidates to interview,

but thank you so much.

Allan.

Ellie!

Do you really like the movie Rocky?

People forget how gritty and real it is.

And it has turtles.

Cuff and Link.

And I bet your boyfriend's super cool, huh?

Like a total alpha male badass?

Hmm, somewhere in that ballpark.

His name is Steve.

Sounds like a dick.

Well, that's okay.

You're hired if you still want the job.

Oh.

Yeah, I'll take it.

Fantastic!

Friendsies?

Friendsies.

Ooh.

Fuck you, Steve.

Mail man.

Neither rain nor snow?

Fuck you, man!

Allan, no!

Yeah, set me straight, baby girl.

I'm so naughty.

I'm so sorry.

Allan, drink your milkshake.

All right, I'm chilling out.

Oh, shit.

Dude.

Where do you think you're going?

Oh, little dude, you touch that ball,

I will eat you whole, poop you out and eat you again.

Yeah, beat it!

There you go.

That's right.

Tough guy, huh?

Let's see how tough you are when your number's up.

Right, Kev?

Food goes in here.

Oh, geez, Kevin.

What?

That's where it goes.

Shut up, Kevin!

We need to move!

Now!

I swear, if you're weren't my sister's kid,

I'd have you for breakfast.

I can play ball if I wanna.

Big dogs are just jelly.

You got this, Matt.

Come on, you got this.

Fuck, here they come.

I don't act on those impulses.

Sure, you know, I'd love to kill a squirrel, you know,

but that's somebody's mother or brother or sister.

And I'm not a dick.

You know what I'm saying?

Oh, hey, guys.

What are you doing here, man?

Oh, work was slow, so Stan cut me loose.

I was thinking maybe we'd go by the lagoon,

check out some ducks.

Do you wanna come, Ellie?

That sounds great

This day sucks.

The sun's reflection in the water is really pretty.

Totes.

The inherent beauty all around us

implies an underlying conscience

or even creator who loves us and wants us to be happy.

Or you're a nerd.

One or the other, I guess.

Hey, non-sequitur,

but Matt and I have a comedy show tonight,

if you're not hanging out with your boyfriend.

What, you have a boyfriend?

I, I mean, of course you have a boyfriend.

You're amazing.

What does he do?

Is he in a dangerous line of work?

Good thinking, dude.

He does drive a motorcycle.

Well, I don't know how dangerous it is

being a green juice barista but,

it doesn't matter, guys.

We broke up.

I'm so sorry, Ellie.

Oh, it's okay.

We were struggling for a while.

Nobody's to blame.

Well, Steve's lack of communication is to blame.

That and the fact that he sent

a dick pic collage to his neighbor.

A collage?

Yeah.

A lot of time and effort went into this.

It was a bunch of pics of his dick wearing tiny hats,

Indiana Jones's fedora,

one of those jester hats with the little bells on the end,

Santa's hat.

No!

I'm getting off track.

The point is I'm totally fine.

Oh, why am I crying?

Oh, it was the sorting hat from the Harry Potter

that really put me over the edge.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no.

It's okay, Ellie.

Everybody has a tipping point.

Terrible choice of words, my man.

But I know something that might help.

A hug from a super cute dog.

- Oh. - If only we had one handy.

Oh, thanks, Allan.

Yeah.

And Ellie, if you don't wanna be alone tonight,

you should come to our show.

Yeah.

I'd love to, guys, but I have my OPKC meeting tonight.

Oh.

OPKC?

Owl pillow knitting club.

My therapist said I should focus

on what makes me happy right now.

And frankly, I love getting high and knitting owls on shit.

I got nothing.

You?

No, I'm good.

Oh!

Vanilla Ice likes spicy rice!

Vanilla Ice likes spicy fucking rice!

Boom!

Yeah!

We are ready!

Yes, we are!

By the way, dude, owl pillow knitting club?

Oh, god, what was that?

I mean, at least you know the excuse is real.

Who would make something like that up?

I don't know.

Speaking of making shit up,

I told Ellie that you're a registered sex offender.

All right, let's have a great show now.

Wait, wait a minute.

What?

Why would you make up something like that?

So I look amazing by comparison, dude.

God, it's called being a good wing man.

God, that bums me out, Allan.

I don't want Ellie thinking that.

Calm down.

It's not a big deal.

I said you were caught masturbating on a plane one time.

Geez.

Dude!

What?

Hey, man.

What's going on, Tommy?

Henry's hanging it up.

What?

All right, all right, all right.

What's up?

Listen up.

After 30 years of running this club,

one of the things I learned is to make sure

that you love the journey,

no matter what happens on stage or off,

because life is about the road, guys,

not the destination.

I don't like change, Matt.

- Shh. - And while I still have

a little bit of road left in me,

I'm turning the reins over to my brother-in-law, Barrick.

And I'm hoping some fresh blood

will breathe new life into this whole place.

Henry, this is crazy, man.

You can't retire.

You mean too much to us, to the whole community.

Ah, it's just it's gotten so competitive, Matt.

I mean, people can get everything they want

right on the internet.

Why leave the house when you can sit in your underwear

and watch high definition porn?

Yeah, but people still need to socialize, man.

You can only masturbate so many times in a day, right?

You haven't met my brother-in-law, Barrick.

Barrick.

Take the floor.

Now, listen up.

As the new boss, obviously

I'm gonna be changing shit up everywhere.

So if you don't like change, you know,

get the hell out now.

Church!

Change is the shit!

Allan.

And there's only one opinion that matters from now on,

and that's mine.

FYI, this is me laughing.

Ha-hee!

This isn't me not laughing.

Okay?

Are you grokking the difference?

If you stop getting stage time, there ain't no mystery.

It's because you're not seeing enough of.

Huh?

Comprende?

All right, I got some mind-blowing news.

The Booker himself is gonna be coming to this club,

this very club next Friday night.

Judging by your impressed murmuring,

you all know how the Booker got his name.

You get managed by this guy,

hey, you're as good as booked.

His clients appear on Live Tonight with Kenny Baker

all the fucking time,

but you gots to make me first,

first.

Break a leg, assholes.

What a prick.

Good pep talk.

I know guys like this.

Deep down, all they need is a hug.

Yeah, I don't know, Allan.

This guy seems like a tough cookie.

My man, never underestimate the cuteness of this face.

What?

I'm gonna go schmooze this hurting soul.

Now, Allan, wait!

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

That is far enough, Garfield.

Garfield?

That's, that's not even a dog.

Yeah, not another step.

I got a serious medical condish over here.

You like abbrevs, dude?

I like to abbrevs!

And I don't give a shit.

I'm allergic to flea-ridden mutts.

Your fur touches my skin,

I could die.

But you haven't lived until a puppy's licked your face.

Yeah, pass.

Look at you, completely disgusting.

The fleas on you, fucking, pooping.

Picture that, fleas pooping and fucking,

rolling around in the poop.

It makes me sick.

Now, scram, Rick and Morty!

The cartoon?

I'm not sure...

I said scram!

All good.

I know what you're thinking right now.

Is this a little dude neutered or not?

Well, I'm happy to report that my sack is intact,

all thanks to this guy.

He let me keep my balls, people.

I sure don't want him licking mine.

Good thing he's a heavy sleeper.

What?

And now that you know I still have my dog-hood,

I feel obligated to warn the ladies out there

that once you to go furry,

oh, you'll never worry again.

What's the next joke?

Something about my dick.

Oh, yes.

So my dick walks into a bar.

This is bullshit.

We were funny tonight, Matt.

Yeah, well, funny is in the eye of the beholder, Allan.

If Barrick doesn't think we're funny, we're not funny.

That's why the comedy business is so risky.

What's that got to do with anything?

I don't know.

Sometimes I think

it's better to think of our thing as a hobby,

take some of the pressure out of the situation.

What's wrong?

Oh, nothing.

You just said I give up a million different ways.

I'm not giving up.

I'm just trying to be realistic.

What's going on with you, dude?

That's crazy talk.

Seriously, what is up?

Okay.

Look,

Stan offered me co-ownership of the junkyard.

It'd mean more responsibility, longer hours,

maybe even some weekends.

Oh, so kiss our hobby goodbye.

No, no, I'm not saying that.

We can still perform now and then.

It's just the junkyard puts a roof over our heads.

Fuck that!

Dude, we'll live on the streets

and drink our own urine if we have to.

Matt, I was born to make people laugh.

If that gets taken away, I'm nothing.

Hey, come on.

No, not now.

I haven't made any decisions yet, Allan,

because no matter what, we're a team.

It's you and me, pal.

We're partners.

You are such a pussy, it blows my mind, dude.

At least I have my date with Ellie tomorrow.

A date?

Don't get carried away, Allan.

She's your dog walker.

No, buddy.

She's more than that.

Ellie is special.

Yeah.

You know, it's funny.

I always get a little pleasure out of my walkers

watching me go number one.

Goodnight, Allan.

Hell, even number two.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

But I don't know if I want that with me and Ellie.

She's too pure.

Goodnight, Allan.

Goodnight, dick.

Ooh, dressed up a little bit today.

Ooh, very nice.

All right, game face, game face.

Oh, hello, mah la...

Buzz kill.

Who is this?

Allan, be nice.

This is Princess Leia.

I thought you two might like to meet.

Is she of drinking age?

She's 21 in human years.

Why?

So she can have a drink while she does her intruding.

Do you like booze, Princess?

Uh, yes.

He's cute

but kind of a dick.

Hmm, right up your alley.

Hmm, touche.

But we can't all have loving fathers

Hmm, no.

All right, P. Leia, feel free to get comfortable anywhere

on the floor and out of the way.

Allan!

You're being a dick.

Apologize to Princess Leia.

What?

This is me being nice.

All right, let's let the wine and conversation flow.

Allan, I'm your dog walker.

This isn't an appropriate friend day.

Oh.

I see what's going on here.

You wanted me to meet Princess Leia.

Translation, let's see if the mutts hit it off

because you're too good for a dog.

Wait, unless this is a menage a paw type of thing.

Allan, no!

That's it.

This walk is over!

I'll urinate on the carpet.

And you can forget about my goddamn anxiety pill, lady.

I'm kind of in the mood for a life-threatening panic attack.

This is my goodbye dance.

I know it looks like the robot, but it's totally original.

Oh, yeah.

It's how I celebrate the removal of poison in my life.

Goodbye, poison.

Bee boo beep.

Du du di du di du.

Ellie, wait!

Ellie, Ellie.

Look, whatever Allan just did, I'm so sorry.

It's okay, Matt.

I just wanted to introduce him to Princess Leia

because I thought they'd hit it off.

I guess I was wrong.

Hi, Princess Leia.

Hey.

You're right.

He is cute.

Shh.

Look, Allan's a sweetheart, most of the time.

Sure.

Allan always gets along with pretty girls

until he feels spurned, but that's not fair.

Oh.

Thanks.

What?

You just said I'm pretty.

Oh.

Yeah, yeah.

Sure, I was just,

it's not a compliment.

I was just stating it as relevant fact.

Oh, wow, he's a smooth one.

Look, don't sweat it.

Allan's just a little emotional.

It's okay.

It's like he has something big to prove.

Have you ever noticed that?

He did pretend to take a phone call

from Lena Dunham yesterday.

Exactly.

Yeah, why does he do stuff like that?

Allan comes from this big famous dog show family,

but he's the runt of the litter.

And I think he's insecure about it

because he never hit it big himself.

Oh.

Well, that does explain a lot.

Well, look, nobody's perfect.

I mean, who hasn't been arrested once or twice

for indecent exposure?

Allan told you I'm a registered sex offender.

Registered, so no big.

You know he was kidding, right?

Oh, yeah, Matt, we know.

Well, look, can I make it up to you sometime?

Maybe take you out for a meal

when you're not busy knitting owls and stuff?

Yeah, maybe.

Hmm.

FYI, Matt.

She's allergic to latex.

Leia!

I'm gonna go.

Okay.

Yeah, great.

It's too hard, Sly.

Talk to me.

What should I do?

Kid, life ain't about how hard you hit.

It's about how hard you can get hit

and keep moving forward.

That's how winning is done.

I hear you loud and clear, Sly.

Fuck her!

Yo, Allan, that's not what I'm saying.

No, no, no.

I got this, Sly.

You don't have to tell me twice.

Fuck her!

Damn it, Allan.

You were so rude just now, I'm speechless.

Then don't speak with your words.

Speak with your fists.

What?

Just spank me like you did that fateful day on March 19th.

Never forget.

Never forget!

Oh, yeah.

This is how it's done.

Hey, bro dog.

Allan.

What did I say

about not pissing on the bed!

I'm gonna put you down, you little fucker!

Die, you fuck!

That's not what happened and you know it.

Yeah.

This is how it's done.

Allan.

Hey, what's up, bro dog?

Come on, man.

Don't pee on the bed.

Jesus!

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I was mad, but I never laid a hand on you.

Oh, but you wanted to, pal.

I could see it in your eyes,

just like the time you were upset over the cable bill.

Oh, god!

That again?

I was out of a job and you signed us up

for a year's subscription to Hustler TV.

Do you know how expensive that is?

I've seen you watching Reservoir Doggy Style

more than once.

Well, I mean, yeah.

I already, I already paid for it.

Of course I'm gonna watch it.

Perv.

Listen, Matt.

My eyes are open.

Ellie was just a distraction.

I say good riddance.

Allan, you can't be mad at somebody

just because they don't like you back.

Hmm.

I'm sorry, buddy.

That was harsher than I meant it.

Oh, come on, dude.

Dude, say something.

Forget it.

But you can make it up to me.

Anything, name it.

Road trip.

Where are we going?

Barrick's.

But grab your phone, because we have an errand to run first.

Google radiation suit, midget, Hollywood, cheap.

Oh, god.

Allan, I just want you to know

that I am completely against this.

You do what you gotta do.

Hello, Barrick.

Got a sec?

What the hell is this?

You, sir, are getting a hug.

Is that you, Grumpy Cat?

Come on, dude.

Yeah, it is you, isn't it?

What are you, insane?

Insane for hogs.

I have the right to refuse service to anyone, you know.

You don't have the right to refuse hugs.

Tommy!

Tommy, will you remove this thing from the premises, please?

Knock knock, Barrick.

Can I talk to the hurt little boy inside you?

I know he's home, and I know he wants a hug.

No.

All right, look.

You, you stop saying hugs.

Hugs.

Hugs, Barrick.

Hugs!

Whoa.

Hugs, hugs, hugs!

Oh, no.

That's not great, Allan!

Give me a hug!

No!

Hugs.

Okay!

Your allergies are safe, Barrick.

But love, love gets through the suit!

Get away from me.

You're crazy!

I'm sorry, Allan.

Oops.

No!

You're fine, dude.

No!

You're not even allergic to dogs.

Oh.

Oh, wait.

No, I see it.

Oh, boy.

Tell my mother I love her.

Oh.

You okay, pal?

Sounds congested.

It might be a clogged fuel line.

All right, I'll take a look.

Ooh!

Hey.

No, oh!

Gosh, guys.

Ellie?

Oh, god, Chuck.

Hey, Matt.

Please don't die on me, bud.

- Ellie, hey. - Oh!

What's going on here?

Matt, hi.

I would like to confirm that everyone is still breathing,

- if you could. - Oh, my god, yeah.

Good god.

- Why did we go this way? - Great, here.

Here you go, buddy.

Oh, dear lord.

She'll kill us all.

You're all right, dude.

What a gentleman.

Hmm, yes.

Yes, you may pet me, good sir.

Yeah, ah, yeah.

Please tell me this young man is a romantic suitor.

Oh, he beats the hell out of that loser you're dating.

Was dating, Chuck, past tense.

She'll go back to him.

The weak ones always do.

They know too much.

Well, you're all clear.

Thanks.

I swear I'm not normally endangering their lives like this.

So,

this is where you work?

Oh.

Yeah, yeah.

I might actually become co-owner.

But Allan's not too big on the idea.

Look, about the other day,

I feel so bad about what happened.

No, don't.

It's okay.

It's partly my fault.

When I realized Allan had a crush on me,

I should have just talked to all about it.

I shouldn't have tried to deflect

by setting him up with Princess Leia.

I'm bummed though.

I really thought they would hit it off.

Please fall.

Please fall.

I won't kill you.

Please fall.

Oh, daddy likey!

But daddy has to be patient.

A lotta future poop out there, boss.

Kevin!

I was in a mood!

You pulled me right out.

Damn it!

When things cool off, maybe you can walk Allan again.

I would love that.

And hey, was I super high the other day,

or did you ask me out?

Oh.

No, you're right on both.

You were super high, and I definitely asked you out.

Look, why don't we just start over, hmm?

Why don't Princess Leia and I

have you and Allan over for a little tea party?

Like biscuits?

Yeah, that's what a tea party is.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's, I love. I'd love that.

But yeah, that sounds great.

Great.

Cool, awesome.

I'll say then.

- Great, yeah. - All right.

Bye, Matt.

Bye.

Oh.

Ow!

Sorry, I just hit you.

Sorry.

Yeah, I'll see you later.

Okay.

Bye.

Are we on, Tommy?

Matt and I need our big break, now more than ever.

Confirmed.

The Booker will be at the club

scouting fresh meat tomorrow night.

So I can get you into the green room, Allan,

but after that, things get hairy.

Oh, I wouldn't worry.

I'm a little hairy myself.

Get in here, big spoonsies.

Oh, right there.

Get in there.

Nice.

It's now or never, Matt.

Tomorrow's show is everything.

Allan, you're doing it again, my man,

putting way too much pressure on this thing.

Besides, we're probably gonna get kicked out

the second Barrick sees us anyways.

Just vibing some positive thinking, broseph.

I say we both think super positive stuff

while we go to sleep in the spoons posish.

We can do that, Allan.

But no matter what, we got each other.

Don't forget that.

I know.

You remember the last time I told you that?

Oh, the day we became furry buddy champions.

Ninth annual, baby!

Baby!

Mm-hmm.

Did I mention I ran into Ellie today?

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

It was cool.

She wants to hang out with us,

with her and Princess Leia.

Re-he-he-heally?

Yeah, nothing profesh, just over at their place,

maybe before Operation Booker tomorrow.

Re-he-he-heally?

Why do you keep doing that, Allan?

Because she digs me, dude.

I knew she'd come running back.

Allan, you can't do that, bro.

If you're gonna act like that,

then we're not going over there.

Okay, okay.

Don't get biz-zay with the tis-zay.

I'm cool.

All right, cool,

because you need to apologize, especially to Princess Leia.

She digs you, dude.

She's cool, and she's cute.

But Matt, the heart wants what the heart wants.

And if I don't wanna wreck your face,

I don't wanna wreck your face.

Goodnight, Allan.

Goodnight, buddy.

Hey, guys.

Mah lady.

Ellie.

Hi, guys,

Princess.

Would you two like some tea?

Oh.

Sure.

Yeah.

Weed scone?

- Not for me. - I don't really like scones.

I'm watching my glutes.

Yeah.

Low dose marijuana gummy bear?

Yeah, that sounds great.

You know what?

Before we enjoy tea and whatever drugs are laying around.

can I please address the elephant in the room?

Absolutely.

Great.

I would like to form apol, that's formally apologize,

for my behavior the other day.

I was hurt.

And you know, my emotions got the best of me.

And look, I get it.

You know, dogs and humans, they don't make the best couples.

But just FYI, I was doing some googling

and there actually was a case

of a canine-human marriage in Australia in 1907.

And apparently, they were terrific together.

But hey, it doesn't apply here,

but yeah, I just found it interesting, yeah.

Hmm, well, thank you for the form apol, Allan.

That's very big view.

Oh, well, thanks.

But, you know, I actually owe a special apology

to the Princess here.

Mah lady, could we have a word in private?

Um, sure.

What is it with this girl and owls?

Tell me about it.

Every month or so,

I utterly destroy something with an owl on it.

Keeps me sane.

And look, I am sorry for being a jerk the other day,

but I can't deny it.

I'm in love with Ellie.

What?

Why do you even care?

You know, for such a smart dog, you're really dumb.

She's human.

And I'm the runt of the litter.

I get it.

But this runt is gonna be big someday.

Fame doesn't make you special, Allan.

What makes you special is who you are and who loves you.

If you don't know that, you're in trouble.

Whatcha thinking?

Oh.

Oh, nothing.

Just that it's no use to argue

because I don't care what you think.

I'm glad you guys came over.

Yeah, me too.

Yeah, cool.

Yeah.

Oh.

Oh.

Not tongue.

Oh, god.

No, why?

That dick!

It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.

I'll kill him.

Yeah, I'm gonna kill him.

It's okay.

They've been in there a while.

Think they're hooking up?

I don't know.

Is Allan neutered?

Oh!

Leia!

Honey, what's wrong?

What's wrong?

I've been in here crying for 10 minutes,

waiting to be held and consoled!

I'm so sorry, honey.

We thought you were in here with Allan.

Yeah, where is Allan?

Wait a minute.

Oh, my god.

You don't think he saw...

Oh.

Fuck.

Allan?

Where are you, buddy?

Keep it together, Allan.

Don't do anything brash.

All right, buckaroo.

You got a lot going on right now.

Just concentrate on the task at hand.

Everything's gonna be good.

Just think about it.

When you're famous and your face is on all those magazines

and you're gonna have money coming out...

Success.

Allan?

Hello, Matt.

If you're listening to this message,

you've either found or will soon find

the present I left on the bed.

I'm sooo sorry.

I didn't know what I was doing.

I was just feeling so confused and anxious

after seeing you mouth rape the love of my life.

And don't bother coming to the show tonight, dude.

Your heart was never into performing anyway.

It's all good, because I don't need you.

I don't need anybody.

Indians, we deal with stereotypes, you know,

just like any other ethnic group.

My friends tell me, you know,

"Hey, but Indians, you guys got some positive stereotypes.

"So that's a good thing, right?"

I go, "Well, it's not positive

"if you're not living up to them."

I go, "People come up to me and be like,

'So what are you, like a doctor or something?'"

No, absolutely not.

Thanks for bringing that shit up.

Any baby comics you got your eye on?

Eh, one or two.

Somebody will surprise you tonight.

And I got you and I a couple of dates.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

All right.

Whoa whoa whoa, hey.

Big man, big man.

Say, after your set, maybe you'll favor us

with a round of the famous Manhattan, sir.

You got it, Barrick.

Excuse me, fellas.

It seems my lunch is...

Enjoy the show.

You might wanna check that out, bruh.

I think it's the altitude.

? And she likes my taste in art ?

? She can cook a mean roast ?

? She lets me suck her toes ?

? And she likes to have sex in cars ?

? She's perfect, except that the bitch has cats ?

? And I hate fucking cats ?

? Cue up the asthma attack ?

? All 'cause the bitch has cats ?

? Oh, the bitch has cats ?

Okay.

Oh, chicken taquitos!

I'm sorry, Tommy.

I get flatulent when I get nervous.

So what's the plan?

When they introduce my set,

you stroll out like it's Sunday afternoon, take the mic.

You know, Barrick is not gonna like it.

I guess we'll see how far he's willing to take it

in front of a packed house.

Is,

is Matt ready?

Oh, change of plans.

Matt won't be joining us tonight.

What?

What are you,

but guys are a duo.

Where is he?

Oh, you know, he's dead.

What?

Yep, yep.

No, long story, but he's dead

and you can just post it on your Facebook page.

We're good.

What happened?

You know, it's unclear.

But yeah, you don't have to think about Matt ever again.

My god, when is the autopsy?

Oh, you know, I don't know but...

You don't even know?

No.

What do you know?

You know what?

I'm getting game face for my set,

so it's kinda hard to like focus on the,

- on the past. - That's a fast turn, Allan.

Oh.

Well, it's a little brutal.

That's dark, man.

Yeah, yeah.

? And I'd give anything ?

? Just to get between her thighs ?

? Oh, but she ?

? She only likes black guys ?

All right, thank you.

I'm Brian Ports.

Let's keep it going for your next comic,

the very funny and well-endowed, Tommy!

I took a shit on my owner's bed tonight.

Yeah, like the horse head in Godfather.

Message sent.

Stop the show!

Stop the show!

You!

You get off the stage!

This thing is not supposed to be in the lineup.

Dude, what are you doing?

That was the biggest laugh so far tonight.

Booker, I'm allergic.

If he touches me, I could die!

He won't touch you.

Come on, let the dog have his day.

Relax.

Well, make up your mind, Barrick.

I got some dick jokes that people need to hear.

I could die.

So what, right?

Yeah, I'm gonna be making pushy pushy bouncy bouncy

with one of these young ladies later anyway,

so difference does it make?

Carry on!

Puss in boots.

Huh?

Well, okay then.

Let's talk about my furry dick.

Why do I even care?

This is what I get for lowering my emotional walls

for another self-centered jerk!

Oh.

May I destroy an owl pillow?

You know, to get my mind off things.

Oh, of course, honey.

Here, you can destroy this one.

Uh, no.

It kinda needs to be one you really care about.

Oh.

Okay.

Why?

I can't explain it, okay?

Just, I'm just, not a shitty one, okay?

I'm very, I'm very emotional right now.

Okay, okay.

Here, here you go.

You know, I like this one quite a lot.

- You can, you can destroy this. - Oh, yes.

Oh, perfect.

Thank you so much.

You better check yourself before you wreck yourself!

And then the elephant gets pissed

and turns to the zebra and goes,

"That was a terrible call, ref."

All right, that's my time.

Peace!

Hey, Allan, hold up.

I like your stuff, dude.

Hey, it's the infamous Booker.

Thanks, man.

You know, I saw you on stage tonight

and I said to myself,

that dog deserves a much larger audience.

I want you on Live Tonight with Kenny Baker tomorrow night.

Your life's about to change, Allan.

Are you ready for this?

I was adopted ready.

Hey, Allan, you got a place to stay tonight?

No, man.

No worries.

I'll send my car.

You can stay with me.

Sweet!

All right, brother.

Thanks, Booker.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

we have a real treat coming up, which is ironic

because our next guest absolutely loves treats.

Allan, the dog.

Who here likes cats?

And I want honesty.

With a show of hands, just go ahead and raise 'em up.

It's okay.

Who here likes cats?

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Now get the fuck out.

Welcome back, everyone.

Allan, so great to talk with you.

You are a really funny dog.

Oh, well, thank you, Kenny.

You're a funny human.

Well, before I forget, unbelievable guest coming up next.

The Italian stallion himself,

Mr. Sylvester Stallone will be with us.

Are you kidding me?

Oh, you must be a big fan.

Happy boners don't lie, Kenny.

Hello.

I guess we're gonna need the old black strip, huh?

Stay with us.

Sylvester Stallone, coming up next.

Is he coming out right now?

Sly!

Sly!

I gotta be at the garage early tomorrow.

I'm gonna accept Stan's offer.

There's nothing holding me back now.

Will you talk to me, Matt?

I can practically hear the walls

being constructed around your heart.

Matt, communication is very important to Ellie,

and I noticed a lack of it recently.

Ever since Allan left,

you've become increasingly distant and moody.

Look, I'm happy for him.

It's just hard because I always thought

I was the one keeping Allan grounded,

reminding him of the important things in life.

But all this time,

I was just holding him back.

Right now, I need to be alone.

I'm sorry.

Princess Leia.

I feel a cry sesh coming on.

Oh.

Okay.

I'll go get our blankie and our Lisa Loeb CD.

- Okay, thank you. - Okay?

Okay.

? You say ?

? I only hear what I want to ?

? I don't listen hard ?

? Don't pay attention to the distance that you're running ?

? To anyone, anywhere ?

? I don't understand if you really care ?

? I'm only hearing negative ?

? No, no, no, no ?

Cats are so dumb.

I don't have a joke.

I just thought that was interesting.

It's really great to be here.

But I have to admit,

I did not realize this was a strip club.

Daisy, nice work.

Meow means no.

It does.

Meow means no.

That's why I use duct tape.

Oh.

Hey.

Hey.

Good talk.

- See you later. - No, no.

Wait, Allan, look.

I saw you on Live Tonight.

You kicked ass, man.

Thanks.

I'm really excited for you

and proud.

Thanks.

I met Sylvester Stallone.

They had a black bar on my happy boner.

I know.

I'm super jelly, man.

So dude, the furry buddy games are this week.

What do you say you and I

go for back to back championships huh?

Ooh.

Unfortunately, this week is bad.

Besides the furry buddy thing, it's a little low rat.

Booker says I'm big time now.

Seriously?

That's how you're gonna play this?

For reals, dude.

Lots of auditions.

Gotta strike while the iron's hot.

Yeah, all right.

Whatever, Allan, fine.

Just make sure you're there for the award ceremony Friday.

It's tradition for the reigning champs

to hand over the trophy.

Or are you too busy having drinks with Sly that day?

LB, brother, LB.

LB?

YBAD.

I BAD?

YBAD if anything.

What?

How am I being a dick?

You're the one who's LHFM.

Oh, oh, oh, for having the balls to go out

and get the success I deserve?

At least I'm not a BS.

LB, brother.

That's an N effing F!

SBAOTP, brother man.

What?

Wait. SBAOTP.

Oh, yeah, that's right, stabbing backs all over the place!

How am I stabbing you in the back, Allan?

She's a human, and you're a dog, okay?

You're not right for Ellie, dude.

She's hot and she's smart and she loves owls,

and you're just an idiot

who's using our jokes to get famous!

What?

Dude, my stuff is brand new.

But if you wanna L up, let's L up.

You don't care about anyone, do you, Allan?

You've already bailed on two families

because the only thing you love more than yourself

is the spotlight, and that's SAF.

You're SAF.

Not as sad as being the ROTL.

You go there?

FU!

No.

Fuck you!

Oh, speaking of fucking, how's the DW?

You been inside her vagina yet?

FYIFI, asshole,

I haven't spoken to Ellie in a while, okay?

On your way out the door, you ruined that too!

FU, Matt.

Fu the fucking fuck you!

Wait, that's good news.

What up, El?

Not much.

Can I come in?

You completely bailed on me, Matt.

I mean, total radio silence.

And now you're swinging by unannounced to what?

What's going on with you?

You have any beer?

I have a six pack of The Hemperor,

a doseist vape pen and THC eyedrops.

Eyedrops?

Jesus, Ellie.

Yeah, well, it looks like

you've had enough to drink already.

what's going on, Matt?

Oh.

I saw Allan today.

How is he?

Oh, just, you know, living his best life

now that I'm not holding him back anymore.

Matt, that's ridiculous.

The fact is Allan's gone for good.

I really lost my little buddy, you know.

And that, that really just hit me today.

Oh, haven't seen her, huh?

Lying sack of shit much?

I'm sorry, Matt.

I really am.

I mean, if I lost Princess Leia,

I don't know what I would do.

But why are you here?

Look, I,

I don't know why I'm here, Ellie.

I don't know, you know.

One, one second, I have everything going for me, everything.

I mean, I got the best little buddy in the world

and I meet this cool ass chick

and I feel that excitement again in my life.

And,

I'm here because I lost Allan

and I can't bear the thought of losing you too.

Ellie, I,

oh, fuck.

I know I'm not some dangerous green juice barista

who rides motorcycles and makes dick collages.

I'm just a simple guy

who likes fixing cars

and watching the sunset with his best buddy, you know.

I promise I will always be there for you.

I'll even put THC eyedrops in my eyes.

Fucking crazy, but I'll do it,

because you are the smartest, coolest,

sexiest, owliest, best dog-owning, best kissing, loving...

Shut up.

Just shut up.

You had me at what up, El.

From hell's heart, I stab at thee.

For hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Whoa!

Oh, I'll find a way inside, and I'll kill you, Matt.

Hey, creeper.

Oh,

Well, hi, Princess.

Hey, nice job on TV.

Well, thank you.

I like when you go off on cat lovers.

It's funny, because cats suck so bad.

So yeah, it's a nuanced like that.

Totes.

Oh, what was Sly like?

Does he smell like victory?

Well, well, yes.

That's exactly what he smells like.

Are you, are you a Sly fan?

Oh, are you kidding?

Look, I know I sound like a crazy psychopath,

but Rocky V is my fave.

Like when Rocky is beating the crap out of Tommy Gunn

in the alley, well, it's more art than movie.

Wow.

Allan?

You okay?

Well, yeah.

I just,

geez, Princess.

Would you like to watch the original Rocky sometime?

I've seen it like 64 times with Matt,

but you know, he's dead to me now.

Yeah, sure, okay.

Awesome.

How about tonight?

We can watch it at the Booker's house.

Oh, great.

I can send a car for you.

Ooh, fancy.

Oh, but Allan.

Huh?

Is this a date or a friend day?

Oh, well, you know, we don't have to put labels on it,

but I'll take a bath.

Hmm.

Lei-lei.

Matt's taking me out for makeup drinks.

Yeah, I didn't know it was a thing either.

You good?

Yeah, you go, girl.

Yep, nothing to see here.

Just relaxing on the couch.

Okay, bye-bye.

Okay.

Catch you later.

Hmm.

I'd fuck me.

Are you gonna ask me in?

Oh, of course, I'm sorry.

Sure, come on in.

I got Rocky all queued up.

I just need to finish something up in the kitch-yeon.

Okay.

Yo, I'm telling you.

This never fails.

But I don't wanna burn you, dude.

Oh, don't worry about it, dude.

I got a high tolerance for pain.

Go for it.

All right.

Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot.

Let's do this.

All right, player.

Go ahead and do your business.

Oh, business.

Consider it handled!

What are you doing here?

Yeah, get in there.

Mm-hmm.

You're hungry.

Oh, yep.

Uh-huh.

Oh, yeah.

Say hello to my little friend.

I'm sorry, Princess Leia.

At least let me call you an Ubs.

Already on the way.

You ruined something really special here, Allan.

I was even gonna dress up like Adrian and let you spank me,

because I may be shy, but I've been bad.

Booker, she didn't go

for the whole dick in the bucket thing.

Yo, you got way bigger problems, bruh.

Your shit is cooked!

Let's take another look

at this shocking video breaking tonight.

Do you know who I am?

Dude, is that Allan the dog?

Do you know who I am?

Look, I don't care who you are.

You're not coming in this bar.

You're too drunk.

You're really not gonna let me drink in this bar.

No, I'm not gonna tell you again.

Get outta here.

All right, all good

'Cause guess what.

Now, this is happening.

You see that squirrel right there?

Yeah.

This is on you.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Whoa, whoa whoa, let go, let go!

Doggone busted.

Exclusive tonight, we are confirming here on Doggone News

that Allan the dog is the long lost brother

of the world famous, award-winning Pinscher brothers.

We go live right now to our correspondent, Zoey Spencer,

standing by in the field with Allan's brother,

blue ribbon champion, the magnificent Chester.

Chester, what do you have to say

about your estranged brother's recent fall from grace?

Yeah, we feel sorry for him.

If this is what Allan ran away to become,

we don't understand it.

I will say this.

He was right about keeping my knees up.

And what does Allan's original comedy partner

think of Allan's fall from fame?

The whole abbrevs thing is so played out.

Get some new material, Allan.

Do you still talk to him?

No!

No, no!

Allan, because Allan's not a real friend.

All Allan cares about is attention

and getting people to love him.

And he's got that now, which is great.

So (BLEEP) him, okay?

Hey!

Hey, no filming in here!

(BLEEP) you!

Give me that!

- You piece of (BLEEP)! - Damn.

Charlie Sheen ain't got shit on you!

Oh, man.

Come on, Booker.

We can beat this.

You, me and that bag of coke over there,

we can do it.

Together, man.

Good luck, Allan.

Man, if we ever pull your way back up to the top,

call me, bruh.

But, but.

Hmm.

Hello?

Allan, is that you?

Allan?

Time to crown the winners, Matt.

When do we expect Allan?

Oh, I'm sorry, man,

but Allan and I had kind of a falling out.

I think I'm just gonna have to crown the winner myself.

Ah, shucks.

That's a bummer.

Yeah.

Will you hold this furry buddy?

Just for the photo op after we announce the winners.

All right.

She's adorable.

Really?

You seriously missed the giant balls

at the base of this great pecker?

Oh, I'm sorry, dude.

Oh, yeah, they're they,

ww, those are not small.

You can look.

I like it.

Take a selfie.

Just use the hashtag my baby girls.

A true friend is somebody who thinks you're a good egg

even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.

Come on, who writes this cheese?

He let me keep my balls, people.

I sure don't want him licking mine.

Vanilla Ice likes spicy fucking rice!

Boom!

I love you, my man!

I love you!

Oh, god!

Yeah, all right.

All right.

Hey, I remember that.

Today?

I'm coming for you, Matt.

I'm gonna be there for you!

And now, for the moment you've all been waiting for.

The winner of the 10th annual furry buddy championship is...

Matt!

Matt!

Matt, it's me, Allan.

Chuck and Indiana Dan.

No!

Welcome back, welcome back.

You're listening to Chuey Martinez,

and this is a new segment we'd like to call

where are they now.

We've been talking to Matt and Ellie,

to people who care very, very much about Allan,

the dog, not the celebrity.

So I'm gonna ask both of you right now.

If Allan's listening, what do you wanna say to him?

Oh, thanks, Chuey.

Look, I just wanna say,

hey, Allan, please come home, buddy.

I didn't mean to call you the ROTL, all right?

It was messed up.

You're the best dog I've ever had.

You're the best dog in the entire world!

I just, I love you.

We miss you, Allan.

And I love you too.

Just not that way.

You know, I love you like a friend, 'cause we're friends.

Friendsies!

I'm sorry.

Hey, Princess, I know you're there too.

And I guess I forgive you

for the whole popcorn sitch.

I was just surprised, that's all.

It's not like I'm not DTF.

Don't be shy.

Come on by.

Pet a former celeb.

What happens at the pier stays at the pier.

Anybody?

Hmm, I wonder what washed up celebrity tastes like.

You can smell the desperation.

Ooh, I bet desperation

tastes good, boss.

Patience, Kevin.

Too many people around.

Can anybody help a dog out?

Hey, isn't that Allan the dog?

Oh, shit.

It's that birthday brat.

That is him.

You wanna pet him?

He looks kinda dirty.

Please.

You want me like quiet?

Like I'm sorta resisting but secretly like it?

Or just all in?

Resisting.

All right, let's do this.

Oh, no.

The 'gram is gonna love this.

No.

Really get in there.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, that's five bucks, dad.

Here you go.

This should cover whatever that was.

Just don't tell your mom about this.

All right.

Great job on the sign, dude.

How much you make out?

Oh, Fred, slow day.

I mean, do you,

do you know how much like a gun would cost?

Actually, you know what?

I think it's just cheaper if you just walk out

into the ocean with all your clothes on.

Let Poseidon sort out the rest.

Jesus Christ.

I don't know, Fred.

I guess, I guess I'll see you tomorrow.

Okay.

See you tomorrow, Allan.

Trust.

Hey, Allan.

Uh-huh.

If you do make it up to heaven,

will you ask my ex-girlfriend what the Netflix password is?

That's fucking crazy, Fred, but I'll do it.

Hmm.

I think he went that a-way dude.

Thanks, man.

Looky here, fellas.

I love it when I catch dinner eating dinner.

Yeah.

Don't worry, Princess Leia.

Once we find Allan, we're gonna...

Wait, wait, there he is!

Stop the car!

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

Princess Leia, wait!

Allan!

Ah.

Allan!

This day just keeps getting better.

No, Princess Leia, don't come over here!

Oh, god.

Come here!

Got you!

You lay one paw on her, and I swear to...

You were saying?

Oh, I see.

Is this your girlfriend?

How adorable.

Well, don't worry.

This will be a romantic ending.

Oh, yes.

You'll be together as one

in my poop!

Beautifully expressed, boss.

Leia!

Deal with her, boys.

I love an audience!

I love an audience too.

In fact, the more, the merrier.

Huh?

Princess Leia, go for the popcorn.

Give it all you've got!

Huh?

Oh, man, we're gonna get you now.

You better check yourself

before you go and wreck yourself.

Whoa, bitch!

Ooh, you go, girl.

Huh.

That's gonna leave a mark.

Boss, are you okay?

I don't think so.

Ain't gonna be no rematch.

Buddy.

Oh, god.

- Oh, my god. - Oh, buddy.

- Are you okay, buddy? - Oh, my god, I'm okay.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry.

No, it's my fault.

No, it's my fault.

Oh, god, Matt.

I was so scared.

Me too.

And I'm pretty sure I peed myself.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I'm soaking wet.

Oh, is Ellie and Princess Leia standing right there?

- Yeah. - Goddammit.

Oh, man.

That was crazy, Allan.

We kinda fucked those coyotes up, didn't we?

We sure did.

And you know, I was all man

up until the moment I wet myself.

Oh, 100%.

Good.

I missed you, buddy.

I missed you too.

You know what?

It was, it was more than that though, Allan.

Being away, I realized that I,

I need you, pal.

I need you too.

So how are things at the shop?

Ah, same old.

They're good though.

You know, Stan made me full partner.

Oh, dude, that's awesome, dude.

I'm proud of you.

Thanks.

What about you?

What do you have next?

Oh, man.

I might have a few reality TV shows left in me,

washed up celeb type stuff.

But, oh, bro, I'm finished.

Finished?

Come on, Allan.

You know better than anyone,

life isn't about how hard you hit.

It's about how hard you get hit and keep moving forward.

That's what winning is about.

Rocky Balboa, part six.

Well, okay, whatcha thinking?

Comeback show.

Oh, god, no.

All right, first day.

Take it easy, all right.

We got this.

I got this.

I'm killing it.

Three, two, one, go!

- Come on! - Oh!

Pulled a hammy, dude.

Pulled a hammy.

Come on, Allan!

Apollo Creed can't criticize Kanye...

For being a cool, cold, calculating...

Kanye is a cat!

No, he's not!

I suck!

Come on, Allan,

- you got this. - I can't do it.

- It's too hard. - Ready?

Go, start from the beginning.

Here we go, when I'm done with you,

you're gonna eat lightning and crap thunder!

Hmm.

For the love of god, can we please scramble these fuckers?

We got this!

We got this!

Yeah!

Oh, god, can you hold on a second?

I think I've got a boo-boo on my knee.

One.

- Go, go, push! - You always do this thing.

Come on!

Don't be such a little bitch!

Too far.

Sorry, yeah, that was too much.

Too far.

All right.

Yeah, hi.

Is the patient in 7B still alive?

Yeah, according to my record.

Oh, oh, great.

That is a relief.

I have a gift for the little guy.

Come on, three more!

Three!

Go, keep going!

49.

Come on, Allan!

50!

Yeah!

Apollo Creed can't criticize Kanye

for being a cool, cold, calculated cat.

Yeah!

Go!

You did it!

Yeah, my man, yeah!

Yeah!

Woo-hoo!

Let's go, Allan!

Yeah!

Thank you so much for coming out tonight, everybody.

And now, without further fucking ado,

are you ready for a comedy resurrection, huh?

Yeah!

All right.

Well then, I give you Allan the dog.

Oh, yeah!

Awesome.

Thank you so much.

Thank you, thank you.

I love it.

Thank you.

I have a big surprise for everyone here tonight.

Yeah, no, let it out.

It's all good.

I forgive Allan.

Give it up for Blinky, yo.

He's doing all right there.

And I've got great news.

100% of tonight's proceeds are going to Blinky's recovery,

so that's fantastic.

In just two short weeks, they're gonna remove the rod

holding his brain together.

Yeah, give it up for him.

Yeah.

Thanks, Blinky.

You are an inspiraysh to us all, for reals.

Holy schnikies, my brothers are here tonight.

Chester, wow.

Dude, congrats on the blue ribbon, my man, for real.

That's awesome, dude.

And how many times have I told you growing up knees up?

Yeah, nice work.

And guys, I owe you all a form apol for bailing on the fam.

You know, and from the heart, all I can really say is

now that I'm more famous than you guys, we're all good.

No, no, no, I'm just kidding, man.

You know, it's not about fame.

No, man, it's not about fame at all.

And there's way more important things in life.

And someone here that's very special to me taught me that,

my best friend, Matt.

Can you give him a hand?

He's right here in the front row here.

Yeah.

Love you, dude.

I, I've had sex with this guy's leg.

Yeah, if only it was consensual.

Thank god leg rape isn't a thing.

Yo, this dog just pulled up the PR job of the century.

Prepare a standard two-year and get down here now.

Wow, you guys have been such a great audience.

Yeah, thank you so much.

Thank you, Barrick, for having us.

Thank you, Blinky.

Peace!

We love you, Allan.

Whoo!

Oh, thank you, buddy.

Yeah!

I know you could do it.

Get ready for the next level, my friend.

Bang out an X right here

and you will be the most famous dog

that ever walked the earth.

Bigger than Snoopy?

Snoopy who?

Leave here with me tonight, Allan, and your life changes.

What about Matt?

What about him?

We'll throw some oil changes his way,

but we've got the world to conquer.

Come on.

Let's see here.

You know what, Booker?

I'll pass.

I'm gonna stick with the guy

who stands by me no matter what.

That's love, and there's nothing more important than that.

Damn.

Allan!

Excuse me, excuse me.

Allan!

Allan!

Princess Leia.

I love you.

I know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I write pretty much all the jokes, so.

Matt!

Hey.

Ow!

Oh!

I gotta admit, Allan's pretty damn funny.

I

forgive

Allan.

Yeah.

Me too.

Ugh.

Oh, fuck!

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